Originally aired: Spring 2003
Transcribed from replay: July 21, 2003
[as Ryan�s walking out, Wayne holds up the picture from the 50 Most Beautiful People]
Ryan: Aw man!
W: I had to man, it�s a big deal.
R: [sitting] [to the audience] Wazzup wazzup!
W: [sitting] I wasn�t trying to embarrass you right out of the block, but this is a big deal.
R: Yes you are.
W: Well yes I was.
R: What do ya do? There I am�
W: This is a big deal for you. Look at this ladies and gentlemen. [holding up the picture again] Look at him just chillin on the couch with a lamp.
[audience applauds]
R: They clapped� I�m sitting on a couch and you�re clapping for that?
W: Oh yeah.
R: That doesn�t take much. Ya know what�s funny about this is I�ve never had that expression on my face EVER. [Ryan tries to make the face in the picture]
W: What expression really is that?
R: What is that? That�s like uh�
W: That�s like gas.
R: That�s, that�s, that�s indigestion. That�s um� I mean there�s a lot of things going on inside of me that you can�t tell. But� and the couch not mine, the house not mine, all rented for the shoot. You see, I mean you would think, �Oh that�s his, like, that�s his powder blue couch huh?� [shakes head] Not mine.
W: So what�s your place like?
R: My place?
W: Yeah, what�s your place like?
R: My place is pink� purple� mauve� all the thi� boas everywhere, all the things you would expect from me. No no no, it�s not. It�s uh� it�s like big wood. [making a shape with his hands] I have lots of uh� [turning to the audience and smiling] big wood. Yes� [audience laughs, whistles] I have� [Ryan laughs, turns to Wayne] Do you want me to rephrase that?
W: No no.
R: That scares me a little bit.
W: [laughing, looking at the magazine again] It says here, because ya know you really do get, not a hard time, but I think a lot of people go, �Ryan Seacrest, man, he always gets his hair done and he does this and does that.� You� you uh�
R: Oh no.
W: [reading from the magazine] You work out at least 5 times a week� [Ryan makes a face to the audience and holds up 3 fingers] [still reading] �And yes the 5�9� Seacrest gets his eyebrows waxed, his skin buffed, [Ryan touches his forehead] and his body soothed with regular massages and facials.�
R: You ever have those experiences where you say something and go, �Oh gosh, I hope nobody ever remembers I said that,� and then it ends up in the magazine? That was kind of the experience I had there, but� those things that, that I talk about, I don�t do all of the time but I have experienced at one point in time, sometimes multiple times, but the�
W: Every week.
R: Well some of the things, the highlighting every week, but some of the things that I talk about there and I talk about in real life are things that I�ve learned just by dating women, just by hanging out with women, ya know? I mean they�ll say, �Let�s go�� the first time I went to a spa, this girl I was seeing said, �Let�s go get massages,� and I said, [making a funny face] �Guys, we can�t go get� we don�t get massages, ya know, guys don�t do that.� I went� [slouching in the chair, head back, mouth open, eyes closed] oh my God� [moans] oh. [this is the part you really need to SEE *thud*] Ya know I�m laying there and I�m moaning and I, I�m in my robe and then there�s that whole awkward thing when you do something like that for the first time, do you wear your underwear or don�t you wear your underwear? Ya know what I mean, cuz no one really tells and it�s kind of awkward to ask.
W: That�s a good question.
R: So� you don�t. Apparently if you really know what you�re doing, you go in there and you�re 100% naked under that sheet. And you just pray that when they do the [pretends he�s holding up a sheet] �Time to flip, lift up� and you quickly cover [rolls over in his chair so his butt is towards Wayne]� and roll.
W: Well those guys, like if you�re in a really nice place, they will lift the sheet and look the other way, so I don�t know where you�ve been getting them done.
R: Yeah I go to the� [laughing]
W: I�m just saying that� [imitating a masseuse lifting up a sheet and looking at the person underneath] �Woo��
R: Really? They�ll do that?
W: [still imitating a masseuse] �Why, look at my little American Idol.�
R: [laughing] Do you have to say little American Idol?
W: [after everyone stops laughing and clapping] You did a behind the scenes piece for us, and in the piece you were talking about the fact that, uh, well I�ll just show it on the tape.
R: Uh oh.
W: You have a little gripe with me. Let�s see this.
R: Ok.
<video clip>
R: [standing in a parking lot] In Hollywood the parking space is a big deal, now, so who has a closer parking space to the studios? Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Ryan Seacrest, or Wayne Brady? I�ll show ya�. Wayne doesn�t have to cross the street, oh no, Wayne�s got a spot right here by the front door. But we�re not bitter about it, we�re fine with it, that�s cool! Cuz he�ll be sticking around for a long time, which is good and he should. He�s got his own name plate. [showing Wayne�s parking spot with his name on it] We�ve just got laminates on cones at ours. [showing laminates with the AI peoples� names taped on orange cones]
<end clip>
W: Well�
R: It�s the little things in life right?
W: Well I�ve got something for you. I want you to take a little walk with me. [getting up]
R: We�re leaving? Where are we going? [getting up]
W: C�mon, we�re taking a field trip. [walking]
R: Oh we�re taking a field trip! [walking with Wayne]
W: Because you�ve been such a good friend to myself and the show, I�ve got a little something for you. Folks I�m taking Ryan outside for a second.
R: Oh alright. Just don�t mind us, we�re just gonna go this way. [they walk out of the studio together]
W: Yeah you can check your monitors.
R: Ok.
W: Yeah but we have to hurry a little bit though.
R: Ok� so uh�
W: So, so we figured ya know that because Idol is such a big show and you are a household name yourself now, ya know, you can�t be treated with any old kind of disrespect, ya know?
R: [laughing] [they walk outside to the parking lot]
W: So I�m, I did something about your plastic laminates.
R: I see a Mercedes, did you get me a car?
W: No, no no, no I�d never do that.
R: Oh ok alright.
W: I know I�d never do that for you.
R: It�s a nice car right there.
W: Instead�
R: Uh oh!
W: �what we did�
R: [laughing as they approach Wayne�s parking spot]
W:� was� my space is right there� [lifting a red cover off another spot] and your space is right here. [Ryan�s name is mounted to the parking spot]
R: [laughing]
W: And that�s official, that�s not coming off.
R: Dude you are the man!
W: That�s official. So every morning we will be parked right next to each other.
R: You are the man! [shaking Wayne�s hand and hugging him] That is a whole nother step in the Hollywood ladder.
W: See?
R: I have an official� [bends down and tries to jiggle the name plate] Yeah that�s on there tight, perfect spot.
W: That�s on there. Ryan Seacrest has a spot.
R: Come here baby. [bends down and hugs his name plate on the ground, butt in the air]
W: He did it. Ryan Secrest did it.
R: [kisses the name plate]
W: Wayne Brady, Ryan Seacrest, see?
R: [getting up off the ground] Thank you, thank you. That�s beautiful, I love it.
W: Thank you so much for being so good to me and the show.
R: Thanks for having me on man.
W: Thanks bro. [they shake hands and hug again]
R: Good to see you Wayne. I appreciate it.
W: Ryan Seacrest, American Idol�
R: I�m gonna hang in my spot. [stands back looking at his name, hand on hips]
W: He�s gonna hang out in the spot, but he has to get a car next.
R: [makes a face like �Oh yeah� I need a car!�]
W: We�ll be right back.
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