There is no greater love than a mothers love for her children. How do you write a few words about a child who brought a lifetime of joy and happiness. We often take for granted all the good times, thinking there will be many more to follow not realizing in the blink of an eye our lives can change. I never got a chance to say goodbye to my daughter Nina; she died in a traumatic car accident, riding in a vehicle in which Firestone Tires were on, with friends headed toward a picnic on the beach. From what I understand the girls were singing at the time of the accident never realizing their time together was soon over. Nina and I were much closer than most mothers and daughters; Nina suffered from an illness that brought us to our knees with pain and sadness. Maybe the Lord gave us that struggle so we could grow closer than I could of ever imagined. Its true during suffering our spirit and heart grows in ways we have never considered. I felt she was like a cat with nine lives as she was given another chance for life only to die due to a Ford Explorer with dangerous Firestone tires placed on it. Nina was always a lively child who really tried to live life to the fullest. She loved all living things even down to the most fragile, a butterfly she felt heartbroken she was unable to save. I still have the butterfly she tried to keep alive, she found it on the ground one day and felt compelled to save it. She was a very sensitive and caring child often putting the needs of her friends before her own. She was very depressed just before her death because she would have to say goodbye to her friends who would be graduating. We had a long talk on saying goodbye and how much it hurts to let go of people we love, although I never conceived she would be saying goodbye before them. At the end of every school year she would cry as so many of her close friends would leave to other areas of the world. Because we live far from relatives she developed the same type of closeness that would usually be found in relationships of close relatives. She was a beautiful child and she grew into a gorgeous young lady. The night before her death she played the part of Jackie Onassis for a school project and she looked very much the sophisticated young lady in one of my suits and a hat. Nina dived into this world one month early she was so tiny 5 lbs. 4 ounces and she left this world just as quickly. She was intensely close to her brother because they were close in age, they were more like twins, and she loved him dearly and was looking forward to attending the University with him. Because we moved to the MiddleEast when she was young she had to endure a lot of changes early in life. The years in Kuwait were not easy ones, nor the year waiting out the war. When we returned to our home in Kuwait it was robbed well by Iraqis and neighbors alike, the children lost many things that they valued. Although she did love the two years in the States where she had the freedom she so longed for. She loved Colorado and even wrote poetry about it. Nina was a talented writer, I am glad she wrote a lot as her poems and words give me comfort now. I think she used writing as an outlet for her emotions. She also loved to read she could explain Shakespeare's every verse. In fact in February she bought a number of the classics in which she intended to read. She also loved music and dance, she often spent all her spare money on C.D.'s she especially liked female artists like Sarah McLachlan, Jewell, Cranberries, Natalie Merchant. She made me many beautiful cross-stitch pictures, even though I don't think she really enjoyed sewing, she did it to make me happy. We learned when Nina was ill just how fragile life can be, this is why her death was even more tragic as she had just started to return to her old self and enjoy life once again. It seems like a cruel joke to take her now. After her death I learned how much Nina had been doing for other people she was kind to all people regardless of their status in life. I am very proud that I had a daughter who was able to reach out with such love and kindness. Even though she didn't live long in human terms she lived life to its fullest potential ' remembering the most important aspects to love and be loved. She wrote in one of her journals that she wanted to help rid the world of 99% of the pain and suffering she knew we still needed a small percentage of suffering so we would understand why we are blessed. Nina knew education was important she wanted to study to be a psychologist and help people. Nina suffered all her life with debilitating migraines, yet she never felt sorry for herself even though the migraines often kept her bedridden in pain. When I think of Nina I think of a butterfly who is very beautiful and fragile, gives us great pleasure but is not with us long enough to fully enjoy. Her memorial service in her school in Doha had butterflies decorating the hall and a huge butterfly across the front. They even put some purple tiles in the front foyer of the High School to remember her. The students also made a memorial garden for all the students who have died, we put a bench engraved with butterflies in the garden in Ninas honor. Most days I find myself still in denial, as the reality is just too painful to face. Like Nina I hope to carry on her love by helping others with the pain of losing their children. We flew Nina home to be buried in Denver, against the wishes of the relatives and the whole country we live in. But I knew Nina would never rest in peace unless she was home. God knows better than us what our futures hold and I guess we all must wait for him to explain his reasons for her untimely death. Never again will I tell people to wait to do anything, as now I know how precious every minute with our loved ones are. When Nina was young I used to tell her she could do certain things when she grew up, once she asked if she could do something when she became a human being. I had to laugh and tell her she was a human being what I meant was when she was old enough. I am glad she didn't delay things like the Prom she went to in 10th grade and just before the accident we were busy shopping for another prom dress, but we never got the chance to buy her one. Life doesn't get any harder than this, the ache for your loss never decreases, I feel so guilty for taking life so much for granted, it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

Midi "Despair" is used with permission and is copyright � 2000 Bruce DeBoer