04.07 thurston moore is like the kind of all-knowing, past the mess type of person you think you'll be like when you get old, and already you in a way already a little bit. So it's only natural that you'd be attracted to him, it only makes sense "When i'm exposed to that sort of sphere of conversation I can't help to feel both entranced + repulsed." 3.17 dwelling isn't good for you. delete delete delete. but don't do that either. i'm in the real deal. this isn't a haiku or anything. i think i'm so focused on getting at the main feeling with things, that i don't do anything un-pretentiously and just for the hell of it. Soi miss out on everything that i'm supposed to feel. Or some shit. I think when you know people are venturing off into worlds unknown. It's your job to let them go and not drag them back to earth with your thoughts. I need to work on this. Some times a name can become bigger than what it really is. And saying this name can bring about feelings you wouldn't normally get if this thing had no name and you only knew it with your experience. I know there needs to be a name for this. Because I try to live my life like this. Ignoring all the things that come with it, and seeing and feeling it for what it is. But you can't get away from a few folks you know living off of the mythological aspects of things. There's a thin line between friends and great entertainment. And you should only be scared of entertainment reading your thoughts. 00/02/15 i wish i got more things in the mail. I already get too much, but i need more. Whenever i go online now..which is becoming more and more often..it feels like everybody's either dead or 35 now. i feel like i've totally alienated everybody, but i really can't feel bad about it, i have to let my pre-online self catch up with my online persona and the only way to do that is be in a situation where my online-ness is comfortably transported in my real body. And hell, i'm there alright. I don't mean this to sound like i'm 2 different people or anything, it's just with my anxiety and whatnot i can't function anywhere near my full potential off-line. And the people i have finally got together with from online i feel i might have sorta cheapened the meeting because i'm very very very frozen unless i'm typing for some reason. Plus you gotta add in the online transported world i went to was already seperate from my old main one. So, on top of that distance when i meet other people, there's the whole other distance from being online so much you forget how you really work..so, it's gonna take time, but all three have to come together for me to be a perfectly comfortable person within my world. But where is my online world anymore? I hope it's still there. Maybe it wasn't ever there. But if it wasn't where the hell was I? I'm perfectly happy where i'm at right now, i guess what it boils down too is that you can't replicate those online community-esque feelings offline... you have to just save your people to people relationships. Oh yeah, don't forget yourself either. Once you start living online your offline self freezes in time, and once you get off, you pick up right where you left off. I hope you can accept your old self. And the person you picked to get off with appeals to both your old self comfortably, and your online additives too. I guess i just got lucky.. -- you dont have to worry about a text file thinking you're crazy. it's all in the mind of whoevers reading it i guess. it doesn't seem crazy to me..if anything it's just letting whatever ideas i have flow and not restraining them because i believe no real human thought would ever be dubbed sane if it came out as an actual person, they just get changed because of having to live for other people. because admit it or not, you always do things for other people. and the things you do for yourself are forged from the things you learned or learned feelings from other people or events if you boil it down enough. or maybe not. if you want 65 cents back then i guess i'll just have to give it to you then. i always feel weird when i have to make change for people. working in a store such as this i guess i have to expect things like this to come with the job. a store is just a place for people to bring their money to exchange it for things. acid breaks through all of that. i want to just lay there and think at you and have you absorb it. everything makes sense during. that's why i like it so much. all the things my brain wants me to do can finally be justified. like all my life i've been acting like an idiot and it's totally not my fault i just can't work with this weird shit i'm supposed to operate on. and i guess that's what you're supposed to do, like..learn to live with yourself, but why? isn't that going backwards? you're not learning to live with yourself you're learning to operate a thing that just gets you through the world. Most people just get stuck with that and whatnot..but i think there's many other things in your head you can learn to operate.. and you can just get alright at your personality vessel and get around on that while being a completely crazy nutjob on the side. and that's ok with me. just as long as i'm still evolving.