The
Naked Story
18/05/00
My
name is Hammurabi, and i was in quite the pickle, let me tell you about it eh?
It
started off just as any other day does.
So
there i was, sitting on the can, lemme tell you it wasn't going very well. I was
flipping through the little miss section in the sears catalog, then this flyer
for a wicked rave fell out. I saw
the flyer and got so excited that i jumped up and farted. I though this rave
flyer to be a godsent, due to the fact i had nothing to do today.
Then i realized that the gods were mocking me, the flyer was from 1984,
and it had a phat love stain on it. After
an hour of doing my duty in the bathroom, and another hour on the bidet, I
walked out of the bathroom, and there was my transgendered bastard of a dad. He
had a billy club. He used the billy
club. I guess i deserved to get
whacked, since i did cut all the crotches out of his pants.
The next thing i know, i wake up in the huge arms of an insanely fat
manwhore, wearing a shirt 3 sizes too small.
He told me he found me in the dirty laundry basked of his apartment.
He said his name was paul and everything was gunna be alright.
Everything would be alright as long as i didn't push the big red
candy-like button on his shoe. I'm
not usually not one to go pushing big red buttons when I'm told not to, but i
did anyways. Paul let one rip as something
fierce, then turned into a ten foot tall bionic monkey, with sixteen rotating
heads. Then he ripped another one. I think he ate pasta egg salad for lunch.
Paul the bionic monkey started changing heads around and started rambling
on about stabbing me in the bum with a dead chicken.
Therefore i kicked paul in the groin, and ran like a little girl into
this warehouse full of "big woman band-aids". I'm not exactly sure
what they're used for, but my mom used to tell me that they were big woman
band-aids, not little boy band-aids, and not to stick them on my face.
All of a sudden, i heard a loud, blunt squishy noise as if someone
flatulated. Paul the bionic monkey
hurled himself through a dingy window. I made a run for it behind some big
band-aid boxes. I had to think
fast. As much as i love the idea of
getting stabbed in the bum with a dead chicken, by a ten foot tall bionic monkey
named paul, i had to think of a plan. Ten
minutes, and five whiffs of brown shoe polish later, all i could concoct was
some killer jokes about Bryson's mom. Then
it hit me, like a ton of dead babies. I will disguise myself. So i quickly
disobeyed my mothers words and stuck the big band-aids all over my body.
I slowly squiggled across the floor, and accidentally farted.
The bionic monkey must have heard my gastronemious expulsion, and yelled
"WHO GOES THERE???". Then
he also farted. I replied "just a big woman band-aid.".
The bionic monkey continued...
"Oh....
euhh... Ok....WAIT A MINUTE! Maxi pads cant fart!" I thought to myself,
"OH
SHIT!" so i jumped up and quickly constructed a mack-10 out of maxi pads
and capped his ass several times. I never thought that two day course i took on
making weapons out of feminine products would ever come in handy.
Paul the bionic monkey slowly changed into... Just paul.
Paul was ok, but was pretty choked about killing him and all, so he
farted, then he farted again, then several times after that.
After the air cleared, paul said he was sorry for turning into a ten foot
tall bionic monkey with sixteen rotating heads and that he would never do it
again. I accepted his apology, then
we started making out. I mean, no
we didn't! We just hugged. Then paul farted again and killed the mood, and my nose hairs
and every living creature in a 300 foot radius.
I hopped skipped and jumped all the way home. I don't think I'll ever see paul again, but I'm not
complaining.
I
come up to my house, but only it's not my house anymore, it's the playboy
mansion. So i walk in the doors and
there's Hugh Hefner himself and about twenty playboy bunnies crowded around him.
The weird thing is that all the playboy bunnies looked exactly like Bryson's
mom. Hugh hefner turned into
britney spears, so i did what any good catholic would do, i reached into my
pocket and pulled out a pair of Miss Bucholtz underpants, don't ask questions
you don't want to hear answers to. A naked back flip and a kung-fu chop later i
had thems underpants wrapped around britney's face so tight that she squeezed
out one last greasy fart and died. I
hit her one more time, then looked at Hugh and said
"Oops
...i did it again. Hugh replied
"you did what again??? I
violently said "shut yer pie hole old man, i have more than just one pair
of Miss bucholtz underwear".
Hugh
continued " DON'T EVEN!"
I
replied " YOU don't even!"