| ~*Funny Quotes*~ |
| Ah...I see the screw-up fairy has visited me again! |
| Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we? |
| I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. |
| I dont know what your problem is but I bet its hard to pronounce. |
| (thanks to Lisa Gilbert as from whom i got these) |
| If at first you don�t succeed, destroy all evidence showing you tried. |
| I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. |
| People say I shouldn't frown because it uses more muscles than smiling. Then I point out that Americans need their exercise. |
| There are ALOT easier things in life, then finding a good man... For instance, nailing Jello to a tree |
| Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject |
| I just remembered something... you are boring, and my legs work! |
| When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up I think it's time you kept your promises.... |
| I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. |
| Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" |
| People who say nothing is impossible have never tried to slam a revolving door. |
| I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. |
| My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' |
| Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I |
| Practice safe eating -- always use condiments |
| I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. |
| My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something. |
| My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. |
| If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. |
| "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields |
| "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -Matt Lauer |
| "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -Frank Rizzo |
| ~Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" ~Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest |
| "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey |
| Michael Jackson: *Giggles* Why do I grab my crotch? Oprah: You've got a thing with your crotch going on there. Michael: I think it happens subliminally. When you're dancing, you know you are just interpreting the music and the sounds and the accompaniment if there's a driving base, if there's a cello, if there's a string, you become the emotion of what that sound is, so if I'm doing a movement and I go BAM and I grab myself. it's... it's the music that compels me to do it, it's not saying that I'm dying to grab down there and it's not in a great place you don't think about it, it just happens, sometimes I'll look back at the footage and I go ... and I go did I do that, so I'm a slave to the rhythm, yeah, okay. |
| ~Oprah: how much surgery have you had? ~Michael Jackson: You know, let's put it this way, if all the people in Hollywood who have had plastic surgery, if they went on vacation, there wouldn't be a person left in town. ~Oprah : Mmm, I think you might be right. |
| "It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." |
| "Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell." |
| "Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. " |
| Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. |
| "When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." |
| "There are many paths to enlightenment. Sadly, none of them involve pizza""There are many paths to enlightenment. Sadly, none of them involve pizza" |
| "If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane." |
| Vegetarian (n): ancient native word meaning Lousy Hunter. |
| Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance. |
| The 3 little sentences that will get you through life: 1. Cover for me 2. Oh, good idea, Boss! 3. It was like that when I got there. |
| Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something. |
| The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. |