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Get your own Free Home PageChapter 11
Katie had stormed into the house tremendously upset. She encountered Claude first and pushed past him. Then she came face to face with Michael. He and Claude had just come out of the den. Their conversation had been fervent and Claude himself was upset. Michael wasn't sure how he felt. He only hoped this was all going to work out. He had no way of knowing what he was going to face when he went back there.
The furious blue eyes that burned up at him reminded he intensely of Nikita. As he knelt down, she had let loose a torrent of angry words at him in French. From them he gathered that she and Nikita had connected but there was no bonding. The child was so enraged that she left many of her sentences unfinished before she plowed into the next. Whatever had happened, as usual, he was the culprit. He made several attempts to hush and calm her with words of comfort and understanding but they were futile.
The phone rang and Claude grabbed it. He began to make furious hand gestures at Michael. He was so intent on Katie that Claude's motions went unnoticed. Louder than necessary he said, "Yes, Madeline, everything here is fine."
Michael's head whipped up, frozen in mid sentence and eyes wary. Claude snapped his fingers at him, pointing to Katie. He knew Madeline could hear Katie. "Can you hang on a minute? Matthew has a friend over and they're fighting. Annie! Can you get these two?" He motioned for Michael to get her out of the room.
Quelling the rapid fire spread of fear for Nikita and the children, Michael grabbed Katie and pulled her into him. With a hand over her mouth he whispered fiercely in her ear. "You need to be quiet. It's the only way for you to be safe at the moment. I only understand a little of what Nikita told you. There is another side and the story is very long and complicated. I will try to make it clear for you but for right now you must be silent! Je te promettes la veritie mais plus tard. Maintenant silence!"
Carefully he pulled away, awaiting the outcome of his words. She looked at him with huge eyes and then at Claude who nodded at her. With sudden fear in her small face, she barreled past Michael and up the stairs. Within seconds they heard a door slam shut. Michael stood and Claude hit a button on the answering machine next to the phone.
"It seems quiet now, Claude..." Madeline's voice came over a speaker slightly distorted.
"Yes they went upstairs. Annie was just making hand motions at me. Something about the car.... Later, ok, Annie...I will...please...I am on the phone here..." Michael listened carefully at the stairs. Katie was definitely not coming back down at the time. He motioned for Claude to go on.
"Ok now, how are you Madeline?"
"Fine. You know why I'm calling."
"I can guess."
"Are they there?"
Claude looked to Michael who shook his head and mouthed 'not now' at him. "No they are gone. They left ..." He held up 2 fingers. Michael nodded yes. "2 days ago."
"Were they alright? Was Reese with them?"
"Of course, to both questions."
"I have heard otherwise. Intel was released that they were both dead."
At that Michael frowned. Red Cell was working overtime. There was a trap being laid and baited, he could smell it. In order to keep it from snaring them, he was going to have to trip it.
Claude looked down to the floor. Their conversation and Michael's warnings in it were becoming more and more accurate. The decision he had to make was now sitting on the table in front of him. "Far from the truth. Very far."
"I know you're being prompted Claude. Where is Michael?"
"I told you they were gone. They left with Simon and Christine."
"And what about Katrina?"
Claude watched as the mask fell over Michael's face and the hardness in his eyes appeared. "Who is that?"
"Don't make a fool of yourself Claude. I know she is alive and she is there. I could hear her when you answered the phone. She was speaking rather loudly in French and someone who was a little bit quieter and male was answering her back. You are the only one in that house who speaks it and you are on the phone with me. Please tell me the truth."
"Fine, here is the truth. I don't want to admit this but... I had the TV up a little loud. I am not hearing so well lately. I think I might be going deaf."
There was silence over the phone. Claude shrugged at Michael. It was a plausible excuse. "Thank you for talking to me Claude. I will see you late tomorrow." The phone was hung up on the other end. Slowly he put it down. "She knows. It starts." He ended his words with a straightening of his shoulders and a clearing of his throat. He thought he could hear pieces of his world thumping down around him.
Michael's face revealed none of the turmoil that raged inside. *Keep that away from him Michael, his life is falling apart...once again, thanks to me.* He walked over to Claude and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I guess this makes all your arguments moot points. You no longer have the luxury of time or choice. I am sorry for the mess I have created of your life. Somehow I will make it up to you."
"Not necessary. If I had only had the courage to die that day...we wouldn't be facing this." Suddenly he grabbed Michael in a fierce hug. "Toujours, mon ami....." he whispered.
"Oui, mon ami, toujours." Michael sadly replied.
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Dinner turned into a quiet, short affair. None of the adults were hungry and their moods subdued the children. Jerrod had tried to get to the heart of the matter but was cut short by Annie's curt reply. Michael watched the looks being exchanged between Christine and Simon. They seemed ill at ease being around the others at the table. And that was one mood he had never seen Simon in. That was one of the reason Michael had him on the team. He could adapt to any situation quickly. It made him wonder if something had happened between them or if he was reacting to what he knew was facing them.
With a gruff "Excuse me", Simon pushed his plate away and left the table. He felt guilty and confused. He felt like he was betraying Michael and Christine at the same time. Michael because he knew who Christine really was and Christine because he had begun something with her that was dangerous for both of them. The air hit him as he opened the door. There was a storm brewing. He could smell the rain and by the look of the sky it would soon be there. The horizon was dark and almost looked like the clouds were boiling.
With a disgusted sigh, he sat on the stairs. Feeling the tension across his forehead he rubbed it then held his head up with his chin balancing on his hand. He stared out into the darkness that had rapidly gathered at the edge of the yard. Twilight held it back barely. He had hoped that by making love to her, it would ease the feeling inside. But that had been a terrible mistake. He should have just kept walking. Now she knew those feelings were there and had acknowledged them with her own. *How the hell did this happen? I swore after Melissa, there would never be anybody else. Not after what I did to her. I deserve whatever bad comes out of this. But Christine doesn't, she's blameless in this. God, I don't want to hurt her at all. I'm scared this will end up like Melissa and I did. Something will trigger me and I'll slide into that abyss again.*
Memories flooded him with images of that night 8 years ago. The smell of the fire, the heat from it, the flashing light of the police and the ambulances. The sobbing of the man as they loaded him into the ambulance. He could hear the gavel of the judge as it hit the block and the announcement of the jury foreman. He could recall the smell of the cell and the way the last room he remembered before waking up at Section One to see Michael. Melissa's scream echoed in his ears as he closed his eyes tight along with the sound of the screeching tires.....
And now he had allowed himself to give into what he had been fighting. The time with her had been more than he had expected. Christine had matched him in intensity of reaction and everything else. But he had felt the fear in her that he held inside too. They were playing with something that could burn both of them. He jumped as he felt the hand on his shoulder. His eyes jerked up with his head to see Michael sitting down beside him. "What's wrong?" Michael asked softly.
Shaking his head and returning his gaze to the yard, he answered "Nothing". His friend's presence only made the guilt inside seem that much stronger. He had no right to keep what he knew from Michael. But he also had no right to reveal Christine's secret. It belonged to her as did the telling of it. Michael's next question hit him like a fist to the jaw. Just like Melissa had kept their dirty secrets from her family.
Michael could see the trouble and cloud of memories in Simon's eyes. He knew something had happened to change the structure of the relationship between the man here on the stairs and the woman who had excused herself and hurried to her room off the kitchen. He was getting the same wave of feelings off of Simon that he experienced the first time.... He pushed that thought away. He had to be reading things wrong here. No, maybe Simon was just thinking about the past a little too much. Driven to it by being so much in the 'real' world lately. "Thinking about Melissa?"
"Yeah." Michael knew him too damn well. But not that well, he hoped. "What makes you say that?"
"Your eyes. That was another life. And another you...if that doesn't sound too 'feel good' for you." Eight years ago, Simon had been the most angry and destructive person he had ever met. In time and with a lot of hard work, the sensitive, serious and almost gentle side of Simon had developed. Not that it impaired his ability to do a job, but at times was the enhancement that made it work.
It was this person Michael considered to be the true Simon. Not that other one, even though Simon worried that the dark part of him that had been so strong would one day resurface. He was the only other individual who Michael thought he could completely trust besides Claude and Nikita. That thought pricked at him. He hadn't completely trusted a few days ago and almost paid the ultimate price for that doubt. He wouldn't make that mistake again. Simon's next words broke into his thoughts.
"Doesn't mean I couldn't be that way again." Nothing prevented him from being that man again. Only this time he wouldn't end up in a prison cell on death row. It would be a room in the bowels of Section One with a bullet to the head or a cold field in some remote location of the world. Taken down in a trash filled alley, just like he had been born. * Come in with nothing...go out with nothing. *
"You don't have it in you anymore. That part of you , for lack of a better way of putting it, is dead. I'm going to be very blunt here, Simon. I need to know this so please tell me the truth. What's going on between you and Christine? Is there a relationship developing?"
Simon pondered his answer. Should he be truthful, circumvent it with a vague reply or just lie? He had never lied to Michael before. There was absolutely no reason to ruin that record. The truth would be just as painful or worse than a lie. "Just something that may not be the healthiest thing in the world for either of us."
"And that would be?"
"That we didn't make the best choices in the world. It's bugging us both. But hey..." Simon stood and looked down at Michael. "...we've all made mistakes before. We've lived." He hoped Michael was preoccupied enough that he didn't read into the statement but accept the face value of it. *Think it's about you and Section, buddy. Not me and her....*
"This isn't your fault. You were dragged in. I dragged you in because...because they know..." Michael stopped and stood. "I sincerely meant that thank you for helping to try to get us out of this mess. You've put so much on the line this time."
Having closed his eyes so the relief in them at what he said was not obvious, Simon opened them and looked over at him. Then his eyes turned back out to the now dark front yard. "You've done it for me numerous times. Plus you're one of the few parts of that world that's human, regardless of how you see yourself. That's why I'm here. I was hoping maybe we could find a way. I thought I might be able to use this as a way for saying thank you. Guess I'm not as smart as I thought." He faced Michael. "When do you plan to leave? Don't sidestep it either. I know you're planning something."
"Tonight. I'd like you to stay here."
"No, I can't. Neither can Christine. We go with you. Nikita stays here."
"Yes. I have to leave her here. She has to stay with them."
"You plan on coming back?"
"After I make good on a few promises I made to myself about Section One. I have a few here I need to keep, too. And they're the most important ones." *I just hope I can find the strength to do both.*
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*Would I die for you? No, I live for you.
You know I do...You know I do.
And though you never will be mine,
I will live to know that you have touched me,
Once upon a time....
You are all I am
And everything I feel
Your words are all I understand...
But you're not real...*
The song flowed softly from the radio. It fit perfectly with the events of the day. So perfect it was eerie as if somebody was telling her something. Christine looked at the door as she heard the knock. She had been enjoying the peace and quiet, reflecting on the earlier part of the day. Thinking about it had settled her and she no longer felt like she had been wrong. Yes, the decision had been hasty and poorly thought through. But she had needed him and he certainly had been in the same frame of mind. It had been the time and place, as the cliche went. Once back at Section One, there would be neither for it. It was time to put the white coat back on and hide it with that. She knew she could keep it like that but she wasn't so sure about Simon.
"Come in." Uncurling herself from the small window seat, she let her legs dangle to the floor as the door opened wider. The object of her thoughts for the last hour or so slowly came in and closed the door behind him.
Leaning against it, he studied her and debated what to say. She broke the silence. "You talked to Michael. Did you tell him?" Simon shook his head no which made Christine knitted her brows together. There was not a lot that Simon kept from Michael. "Why?"
"He doesn't need to know what happened...I mean what's happening with us."
Christine shrugged and with a sigh stood up. "No use the past tense. It's probably best." Grabbing her dufflebag from the bedpost, she pulled open a drawer and withdrew a few things. "We don't have the pull that they do. We aren't as valuable. A special time that lasted only a few fantastic moments. We get to keep it in our memories, no one else needs to have it in theirs."
"You're closing up just like he does. Damn it, why? Was I that bad? Or are you that scared?" He knew now what Nikita must have dealt with and how she felt. The scars ran deep in both Michael and Christine, choking and smothering the both of them.
"Yes I'm scared, cause you made me feel that good." She whirled away from his eyes, slapping her forehead with a palm. "I sound like a asinine love song. Listen to me carefully, Simon." Christine turned back to hold his eyes steady. She really didn't want to do this but this couldn't keep going. "The feelings came too easily. Reality is a hell of a lot harder. We can't get into this. We do, we die. Get it?"
Simon walked over to her and grabbed the dufflebag away. She put two hands palm first at him and shook her head. "Put your hands down and listen to me. We got into this fast. We're not getting out of this fast. I don't want out of it. We are human. We have lives beyond that place. I shredded my life and others before Section One with my actions. I've tried to make good out of all the bad I did. Don't make this more of the bad."
"We don't have that choice." She tried to go around him, shaking her head. *Men are so damn thick......* His words stopped her more effectively than his arm or hand could have. She had always known that truth had power. Living in the shadows of Section one she had forgotten about that.
"You did have a choice and you made it this morning. You chose to follow me this morning. You chose to make love..."
He was pushing the issue and she didn't want to hear it more. She had to get him to shut up and leave. "I gave up my choices a long time ago. Don't read more into this. We need a warm body every once..."
"YOU choose to make love with me out there! Don't deny it! This is more than just a warm body thing. You know it. As long as we're careful, this can continue. Choose to have some guts for yourself. Choose something to make yourself happy. After all this time, don't you deserve something for yourself?" The set of her face told him he wasn't getting anywhere.
"No." was her answer as she sat down and pulled on a boot. "When does he want to leave?" He yanked her to her feet. She almost laughed at the work boot that kept her from being totally flat against him.
"Don't change the subject, Christine. We're no where near being done with the one we're working on."
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Nikita stayed by the pond after the sun had set and the nighttime insects began to roam. Her back still rested against a tree not to far from where she had dropped to her knees. Her arms were wrapped around her legs in an effort to make herself as small as possible. She felt very empty and drained, the tears having long since stopped. Maybe the best way to describe it was numb. She was thankful that no one had bothered to come looking for her. She didn't want to see any of them.
She tried to think how life would have turned out if she had made better decisions so long ago. One of those decisions would have meant that Katie would have never come to be. None of this would be at all, and that meant no Michael either. Maybe she would even be like Momma... Well, looking back on them wasn't going to change or make up for any of them. *You can't change the past Nikita. You have to deal with it instead. Best thing to do is put it behind you, make the best of the present and try to keep focus on the future. Maybe someday...
Sighing, she stood and stretched. Sitting for so long had made her stiff and achy. She felt a lot of guilt and regret over how she had treated Katie. They made the walk back to the house seem to last a long time. When she got in, everything was quiet. No one appeared to be up. She could hear someone in the kitchen so carefully and quietly she made her way upstairs. She paused on the second floor landing, looking towards Katie's door. The temptation was too much.
The doorknob felt warm to her. The night air had chilled her. As if she was part of the shadows, she slipped in. Katie was curled in a ball in the middle of the bed. A smile on her face, apparently her dream was a happy one. Nikita wasn't fooled though. She knew that the hate was going to get bigger as she grew up. Maybe when she was older, Annie could make her understand why this decision had to be made. *I made a promise to you when I left you with Litta's friends at the hospital. I wanted you to grow up right. I've screwed that up a little here but Annie and Claude seem to be good at fixing that kind of thing. They're better for you than I can ever be. I wasn't cut out to be your mother. I don't know how.*
Reaching out, she moved some hair away from Katie's mouth, feeling the silky texture of it, a bittersweet smile tweaked Nikita's lips. *I hope someday you understand that the only way I can do this is by loving you as much as I do. Enjoy the chance at life I wasn't given. It's the best gift I can give you.* Leaning down she kissed Katie's head as gently as possible and slipped back out. Resigned to the distinct possibility of never seeing Katie again, she decided to find Michael. It was time to lose herself for a while.
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Lightning flashed in the distance as Michael watched the clouds ran in the sky. It matched his mood. Worry about Nikita jabbed him but considering what Katie had told him, maybe she needed the time alone to find some peace. Seeing this kind of strength in her made her that much more important to him. And that much more imperative to make sure that she would be unhindered to make sure both Reese and Katie were taken care of. That meant pacifying Section, and that was something only he could do. Reluctantly he had admitted to himself that this was not just a mission anymore to protect a child. It had become personal. Which meant he was protecting the most important things in his life. And to do that might take everything he was, had and knew.
Opening the window brought his thoughts around to his conversation with Katie. Explaining things to her had taken him awhile. It was hard to put his feelings and impressions of the situation into words that a child her age could understand. She was intelligent and perceptive but still she was only 10 and the situation was not be easy for any one to deal with. He had tried to remember what he had been like at 10. It wasn't hard to do. That was when he had met Claude. The difference in their lives was incredible. She had paradise compared to the hell he had been in at the time.
By the time he was done talking to her, Michael believed she understood what was going on. His inner voice warned him about telling her too much but it also warned him about not enough. Reese was a major concern for her. She felt he was too little not to have a mommy around and she didn't want him to be lonely like she got sometimes. Telling her that if she acted like his big sister and took care of him that wouldn't happen seemed to make her happy if that was what her big smile had meant.
Her asking of his feelings for Nikita, he had not anticipated and was almost tongue tied. He found it difficult to explain just how he felt. He just was sure that he loved her, he knew the how but not all of the why. And that was what she wanted to know. Somehow she had managed to get him to talk of them as a family. She was quick with words and how to use them. They didn't have the sharp edge that her mother's did but they were just a quick to nip you if you weren't careful. She knew exactly what she wanted to hear and she got it. Her declaration of him as her dad then was followed by a sudden hug. He hadn't been prepared for that either.
Her quick trust bothered him. She took all he told her at face value, never doubting the veracity of it. She believed everything without questioning. It wasn't good for her to be that way. But he had caught himself in mid-thought. That was an adult trait not a child's. Children didn't look for deception in adults unless they learned to from being hurt. But his mouth had spoken before he had totally thought it through.
Her pronouncement of "Adults lie with their eyes and their mouths. Your eyes don't lie." His speechlessness encouraged her to keep going. Solemnly she had looked at him and asked that he tell her mommy that she loved her and understood why she said "that dumb stuff" to her. She wasn't mad any more. And she was "starting to really, really like" him.
That statement had promptly been followed with another hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she had primly told him it was time for her to go to sleep. Michael has suppressed a smile at that. In other words, she wanted time alone. He understood and wandered back up here to the window, hoping a little to find Nikita here. She hadn't been and the storm caught his attention. He closed his eyes as he felt the breeze blow across his face. It would storm sometime soon. Sooner than he had hoped. Katie's comment about adults and lying had filtered back into his head and he realized that it meant more than he had thought at first.
Any further thoughts he put on hold as he heard a noise. The slight click from the door closing revealed itself in a pair of hands slipping under his shirt and around to his chest. Nikita brought her lips to the side of his neck. She felt cool to him but good against the warmth of his body as she pressed up against him. He took one of her hands and pulled it to his mouth. It smelled and tasted like grass.
"I talked to Katie this afternoon." she whispered. Even to her own ears , she sounded drained and lifeless.
Michael heard the emptiness and weariness in her voice. He needed to get rid of it. "I know, she told me. We had a long talk too. She told me she loves you and that she forgives you for 'the dumb stuff' you said. I think she feels a little bad about getting so mad at you."
"She's not mad at me? I denied her. I told her she wasn't mine." A tremour ran through Nikita as she remembered saying those words and the look on Katie's face. She buried her own against Michael's back, inhaling deeply how he smelled, using it to keep herself from breaking down again.
"Yes, she said you did that. I don't know how you found the courage to do that. You wanted her to hate you as a woman, not as her mother."
He felt her stiffen and pull away. Then he heard her bitter laugh. "Yeah Joan of Arc reincarnated. I'm so brave that all I do is hurt everybody I come in contact with."
Feeling she didn't believe in herself or him at the moment, he turned. She stood a few feet from him, arms across her chest. Her figure was barely lit by the lightning now coming more frequently through the window. "You're giving her a normal life. You're showing her you love her by doing that. I tried that with you and failed miserably at it. I wasn't strong enough. Look where we are now. If I...."
The kiss she gave him was hungry and he could feel the need in it. He ignored the guilty feeling that rose up and concentrated her instead. Her mouth, tongue and hands demanded a response from him. With a moan he did, pulling her up tight against his chest, ignoring the protest from his ribs and bruises. She managed to tug the rest of his shirt free from his pants and then pushed him back a few inches to wrest it over his head. She brought the shirt up to her face and inhaled deeply as she had moments before on his back. It still smelled like him, *..that's part of it....the way he smells.*
Slowly she moved back a few steps allowing him to become the aggressor. He moved forward the same amount of steps she had. Suddenly his hand shot forward and grabbed the waistband of her pants. With a swift yank he had her up against him again. Pulling the shirt away from her, he tossed it behind him. Both his hands slid up the side of Nikita's head and pulled her mouth back to his for another deep kiss. That accomplished he reached for the bottom of the shirt she wore drawing it up and off, dropping it to the floor.
Steadily Michael began to step forward again and she was forced to step back at the same time. The tall curved bed post stopped their movement. Breaking the kiss, Nikita moved her mouth to his throat and then along his shoulder. She felt his one hand tangle in her hair again, perhaps to bring her back up to kiss her again. Reaching up she grasped his hand and guided it down to her hip. She traced a line back to his throat with her tongue as she unfastened the button on his pants. All she wanted was to not think about anything but how he felt against her.
With a sharp intake of breath, he caught her hands with one of his own and her chin with the other. Michael forced her eyes up to his. Sense had finally trickled back to him and he understood what she was doing besides making it hard for him to think. She was running away from hurt and doing it through him. "There's nothing to run from." He could see the pain surface in her eyes along with the desire that was already there.
Hoarsely she whispered, "I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel the bad for a while. I want to feel you. I just want to feel us." She leaned up and brushed his lips with hers.
"You want to just feel us?" He dropped his hands back to her hips and pulled her up tight up to him again. If she was running fine, as long as it wasn't from him. *This might be my last time to make love to her. * After a lingering soft kiss, he moved to her jaw and then her throat and shoulder. He pushed the strap of her tank top away from the curve of it and let it slip down her arm.
Nikita entwined her fingers into his hair, giving a small groan as she discovered how thick and silky it felt to her. It wasn't that she didn't know it but for some reason it just made itself apparent. Just like the post of the bed that was beginning to dig into her still tender back. She moved to the right till she could feel the edge of the bed. Knowing she was no longer held up by the post, Michael pushed backwards and they fell to the bed. His tongue followed the line of the tank top. Once he got to the center, he stopped and moved back up to her throat.
"I love you," he murmured against her mouth as he kissed her again. His fingers worked at the tie on her pants as she hungrily kissed him back.
"Just words?" she softly asked.
"Hardly." he almost growled. It was the last thing either could coherently remember saying for a long while.
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Chapter 12
A loud clap of thunder yanked Michael to reality. Nikita was curled against him and he had his arm draped protectively over her. Fingers from one of her hands had intertwined with his own. Carefully he slipped his hand away, not wanting to wake her. The storm seemed to have mostly blown itself out. Stealthily he eased himself out of the bed. Nikita never stirred, her breathing was slow, deep and even.
The air coming in the window was cool. He dressed swiftly. Adjusting the jeans which were a bit snug, it made sense because they were Jerrod's. They were the same height but Jerrod was still wearing a young man's size. He shoved his hands down in the pockets to push the material down when he felt the small circle of metal. With a sigh he pulled it out and held it up in the dark close to his face so he could see it. Then he looked towards the bed where he was just able to make out Nikita's curled form.
Soundlessly, he crossed the room to her side of the bed and knelt down. One hand laid on top of the pillow, the other now tucked underneath. With the gentlest touch he could manage, he slipped it back on her finger. *You once wore it to remind you of loyalty to me. Please wear it now to remind you of my promise to come back. My promise for a someday .... Try to be happy with them till I can. I'm going to make everything all right. Somehow I will make this work.*
Stiffly he stood, feeling alone and far away from the ones that mattered most to him. *I hope you can forgive me for leaving you this way but I can't let this go unanswered. They've hurt us in name of greater good. Nothing is stopping them from using the same excuse against their lives. We can't allow that. I intend to give them an answer. I refuse to their weapon anymore. I refuse to be their punching bag. And I refuse to let you be used the same way anymore. We're done being things for them to toy with.*
Pulling in a shaky but silent deep breath, he started to turn towards the end of the bed but stopped. Moving back to where he was a moment before, he leaned down and lightly kissed her on the mouth. "Mon coeur, t'aime." he whispered as he slipped away from her and out of the room. Slowly he made his way to Reese's room. His body felt heavy and he knew that it was because he was going to leave the most important things in his life behind. And Michael was fully aware that he might not be able to come back to them. But he was going to try to make sure that he was going to do everything to make it possible.
The little boy laid in a tight ball against the far side of the crib. As he approached the crib, he inhaled deeply, trying to still his heart that has suddenly begun to hammer wildly. Michael's hand curled around the railing on the crib, a finger to trace a soft ear. His voice toneless at first began to get huskier and softer....
"Nounours, I want to tell you how sorry I am for how I've helped to undo your life. I wish I could just forget this whole situation and let us live as a family. But I can't, inaction will be worse than failure. Dada..." Michael swallowed hard. He couldn't go on. He let go of the crib and in a burst of violent motion was half way across the room before he stopped.
Michael's breathing was rapid and his head was starting to swim. He felt panicked and shaky. Emotions were getting to him as well as still lingering effects of being hurt. "...loves you. Be a good boy for me. Momma loves you too. Remember to smile for her." His voice was barely above a whisper, the old fear of saying he loved someone was fresh and strong. The black hole that had been absent for such a short time was back with a vengeance. He felt himself losing his balance as he tittered on the edge of it.
Fearing losing what little control he had, he slipped back out of the room and back down the hallway. He felt the cool breeze from the window at the other end. He was going to need something warmer. Michael crept back into the room where Nikita still slept. He kept his eyes from her, not wanting to look at her and take the chance of being overwhelmed by his emotions. Carefully opening a drawer, he pulled out a dark colored hooded sweatshirt. He froze in place, the sweatshirt laying on top of the drawer as he heard her speak.
"You coming back to bed?" Her voice was sounded husky with sleep.
Steeling himself to keep what he was feeling inside, he turned and nodded. "Yes, I was just looking for a shirt to wear while I slept." He sat back down on the bed facing her as she sat up.
Puzzled she looked at him, he felt closed off to her. He was quiet and reserved, as if he was keeping something inside. "What's wrong?"
He shook his head, "Nothing, I am just not up to full speed yet and it has me a little worried. I can't afford to be this way." He reached out to touch her cheek. It was warm to his cool fingers and felt soft.
"We'll talk to Christine in the morning. There's time, OK?"
The calm sensible normalcy of her statement stabbed at him. Michael could see the concern and love in her eyes. *I can't do this. I can't leave her yet. I didn't want to lie to her anymore but look at what I'm doing....* He jerked her across the small space between them and kissed her roughly. Without words, he pushed her back onto the pillows. He wanted just one more time with her.
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"Mommy, look at what Daddy finds for me!" Reese held up his cupped together hands. "No be scared!" His face was lit with a huge grin
"Let me see it first and then I'll decide that." Grins like that on any of their faces usually spelled trouble.
"They were playing in the lake. Be careful, Mom." Nikita looked over her shoulder to look at Katie who was playing with something on the ground in front of her.
"You don't trust your Dad or your brother?" Nikita lifted an eyebrow in question.
"Not with that look. Remember the frog in the bread box and how they asked for toast?"
Nikita turned back to Reese. "No reptiles, kiddo." Innocently and with wide eyes, Reese shook his head. "OK, open them slowly." As he did a grasshopper popped out onto the front of Nikita's shirt. She jumped back, gently pulled it off and released it.
"Told you!"
Reese pouted and turned to shout behind. "Daddy you right! Mommy not scared!"
Michael's voice rang out clear as he came around a tall bush. "Warned you, Pieces. Mom doesn't scare easy." He had a sketch pad in his hands.
"Not fair Daddy!"
"Sais.....peut-etre puis temps....You three hungry?" Katie didn't answer but Reese's happy shout answered for all of them. Michael shook his head. "Do you ever stop eating?"
Katie and Nikita replied in unison. "No!" Reese responded with raspberries to Nikita and a stuck out tongue to Katie.
"Remember, you little brat, I can make you disappear!"
"Try dummy!"
Sternly Nikita started to say, "Don't star...." when her words were interrupted by a loud bang. She closed her eyes quickly in reaction and then opened them...
To find herself sitting up right and alone in the bed she had been sharing with Michael. She still felt him but was well aware that she was alone in the bed. The sounds of a car pulling away on the gravel drive caught her attention. For a minute she was a little bewildered did she hear a car or had it been in the dream? They had been ready to get something to eat. One of her fingers on the left hand dug into her face as she rubbed an eye. Holding her hand so it caught a little of the light from the window so she could see it in the almost pitch black room, she inspected her finger. She could see the band of metal around the top of the second knuckle.
*Why do I have this back? Something's feeling weird here. Maybe he went back to Reese's room.* Throwing back the sheet, she grabbed her clothes from the floor and pulled them on. Entering his room, she found him standing in the crib, bear tucked under his chin and sucking his thumb. "Mama? Dada..." he said sleepily around his thumb. With a soft smile, Nikita walked over and lifted him up. He snuggled into her shoulder, with one arm around her neck. Tightly she hugged him.
"Dada's around someplace but for this you're stuck with me. You better not think it's time to get up. Quick diaper check and you are going back down, got it?" He gave a little grunt as if he understood her. A check revealed a wet one and soon she had him ready to go back in. She kissed his cheek and could see the small smile around his thumb. With a free hand she tugged lightly on his fist, "Is this permanently attached?" A slight scowl was her answer which produced a small chuckle. "Mr. Comedian." Hugging him close again, she whispered in his ear, "Love you, little guy. Sleep tight." He went back down without a fight.
Then she heard another car pull away from the house. Then it hit her, the ominous feeling was strong. Suddenly the fact she was alone and had just heard a car hit her. She threw open the door and hurled herself into the hallway and down the stairs. Claude was just locking the front door. Grabbing his shoulder, she spun him around. "Tell me that was one of your friends or Annie needed milk for breakfast or something..." Claude's face remained impassive and Nikita felt dread filling her insides. "Claude..."
"I'm not going to lie to you Nikita." His eyes were empty and so was his face.
"NO!!! HOW COULD YOU LET HIM GO?" Nikita screamed at him. Her next words were hissed in his face. "Do you have any idea what he probably plans to do? It's suicide and you know it. I thought he was your friend and you cared about him. Guess..."
Claude's face darkened and his voice lowered into a growl. "He is my friend. He helped me keep my life. Now I'm helping him keep his. You do not understand all the facts."
Nikita made a noise of disgust. "I know all the facts I need. They hung us out to dry. He knows it and that's the worst thing in the world to him. He wants payback. He's been spoiling for it for months. This mess was the last straw. Do you have any idea of the anguish he's been going through?"
Claude drew in a shaky breath, trying to control himself. Michael had warned him she would not take it well. He could feel the fury and yes, the fear too, radiating off of her. He wondered if she felt the same coming from him. "Do you mean how I sat in a room yesterday with the strongest man I know while he cried because of what he's been put through for the past year? Then yes, I do and it almost kills me! He wants you to stay here with Reese and Katie. He said to tell you that he promises to be back. He will be back for all three of you. He is doing this for his family...so he can have one."
"What good will it be if he's dead?" Nikita couldn't figure out why he was backing Michael up on this. Couldn't he see how it was going to end up? Suddenly a thought occurred to her. "Did they go with him?" He was silent. More infuriated than before, she slammed through the kitchen door and checked out the two bedrooms off the kitchen where Simon and Christine had been sleeping. They were empty and the departure looked hasty. On the dresser in Simon's room was a set of keys. Grabbing them she went back for Claude.
He was just starting for the stairs. Nikita viciously shoved him out of the way and barreled up them. Worried, Claude followed her. He had the sinking feeling she was going to do something rash that would endanger not only her but the children, too. Seeing her open the door to Katie's room only intensified that feeling. "Nikita NO!" He tried to pull her away from the room.
"I will say good-bye to my daughter." It was an effort to throw him off of her. Katie was awake and kneeling on the bed.
"What's wrong?" Her eyes were wide with fear. She switched her eyes back and forth. Mommy looked angry and scared at the same time. Uncle Claude looked the same way. As Mommy came closer, Katie could hear the jangling noise of keys. "Are we going somewhere...." she hesitated but then said it... "Mommy?" She started to stand up on the bed. Something weird was going on and she was feeling really scared.
Nikita reached for Katie who practically threw herself at her mother. They hugged fiercely. "Sweetheart, I love you but I have to go." She pulled Katie away from her. Tears started to roll down Katie's face.
"But Mommy..."
"Please Katie, I have to go. You're going to stay with Claude and Annie until I come back here with Michael."
"Where is Da....?" What does she mean come back with Daddy? Where did he go? She grabbed at Nikita.
"Please Katie, don't do this. I promise I'll be back.. I need you to be a big girl. Take care of Reese for us. He's going to need a big sister to help him over the rough spots." She grasped the small hand and brought it up to her lips for a kiss, reaching out with the other to touch the wet cheek. "Mommy loves you. I've always loved you. I always will." With another quick hug, Nikita was out of the room.
A flurry of motion followed her. Katie had moved so fast that Claude didn't catch her till she was half way down the stairs. "MOMMY!!!" Her screams echoed in the house. He had all he could do to hold her in his arms. She struggled and flailed like a wildcat in a trap.
Nikita slammed the front door closed on Katie's screams. *I'm going to hear those screams for the rest of my life. * She flashed a quick glance back at the house. *Keep them safe Claude.*
Claude looked up the stairs as he heard the voices on the landing. Katie had stopped screaming but was sobbing uncontrollably. He tried to ignore the hurt he felt as he held her. He knew exactly how what she was experiencing. Nothing hurt a child as much as losing their parents. Poor Katie has just gotten them in her grasp and now they were gone. Gritting his teeth he barked at Annie, "The three boys are taken care of?"
"Yes. Jerrod and Willie ready to go also."
"The truck's packed?" He started up the stairs. Katie struggled a little but seemed to comprehend she was not going to get Claude to release his hold on her. She went limp, whimpering through her tears for both Nikita and Michael.
"Of course, the boys did it earlier. Everything's in there except us." Annie gently took Katie from Claude and set her standing on the floor. She propelled the girl back to her room.
"Good, I'll get Reese. We've got to get moving." Claude sighed as he looked up the next flight of stairs. *Please let me have made the right choice. God, one day may they understand.*
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With a yell that ended up as almost a scream, Simon slammed his fist into the hood of the car. Christine flinched away at the display of temper. She knew he was beyond frustration at this point. They had already spent half an hour looking for Michael.
This time with a growl of disgust, he threw himself against the vehicle. "How could I be so fucking stupid? I should have ignored him and just kept going."
Christine started to reach out a hand to touch him but then thought better of it. She resolved to stay calm and speak in a even tone. She was close to panic as it was and didn't see the need to add to his already high level of tension. "You could not have known he was going to take off. You've seen how he's been the past few days. He's been getting these dizzy spells and nauseous attacks since he first came out sedation. I couldn't figure out exactly why. I didn't even think he could be faking them. Maybe he wasn't, but just saw the value in faking this one."
"You would make excuses." Simon gave a snort of disgust as he pulled a hand through his hair.
Hurt, Christine knitted her eyebrows as she scrutinized him. "That was uncalled for and you know it!" she bit out at him.
"Kicking yourself for getting faked out too...Michael is one hell of a piece of work...that's what makes him the best. There is no way to catch up with him now. He's got almost 25 minutes on us now on roads he knows better than we do. Let's just get back there and see how much mop up we've got."
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Finding the Fiat in the bay of the garage at the rest area had been almost an unfathomable stroke of luck. It might have been 20 years old but the engine in had sparkled like it had just been built. And once he had gotten behind the wheel and looked over the console, he realized it had been totally rebuilt for one thing....speed, probably racing. The thing he needed more than that was time and maybe the car he could gain some.
Michael knew he was facing one of the biggest challenges in his life. He had not lied to Nikita when he said he was worried about not being up to speed. Every one of his senses had to be working perfectly and he had to be able to meet any physical challenge. But he knew he wasn't and he was not about to kid himself about that fact, either. He was in way over his head but there was no way for him to back down. Finally things had gone too far.
*I've been their pawn, their pet. I should have had the guts for once to say no. That he had ultimately gone too far. But no, I said I'm going...I told myself to do the job. And once again I've gotten an innocent person killed. Greg was just caught up in this...he didn't ask for this to happen. Why were so many people dragged into this? *
The blaring horn told him that he had drifted to the other side of the road. With a twist, he pulled the car back to his side of the road. An image of Greg drifted through his head. He still recalled the words as if they were being spoken for the first time. It felt like Greg was still right there with him.
*"Could you love Reese as your own son?...If something were to happen to me, would you take care of him? Could you be a father to him, Michael?...Promise me you'll do it. I'm committing like the ultimate act of trust here. I'm putting that boy's life and future in your hands." *
"And where is he now, Greg? And what am I doing? Who am I kidding? I can't be a father in this world I live in. Even if I were out would I have it in me? I don't know..." Words from a song or poem he had heard somewhere float into his head.....
*Peace is what they tell me
Love am I unholy
Lies are what they tell me
Despise you that control me...*
Michael stared hard at the road. He glanced quickly at his watch and then at the dark looming shape in front of him. It was only 5 miles to the pass and then he would be curving off the high roads here and down into the lake area. He knew Simon and Christine were not going to be too far behind him timewise but with the directions he had given them, the circuitous route would give him at least another hour. He tried to recall the rest of the words. For a moment his mind was a blank and then they became clear and intense in their meaning.
*The peace is dead in my soul
I have blamed the reason for
My intentions poor
Yes I'm the one who
The only one who
Would carry on this far.
Torn, I'm filthy
Born in my own misery*
"I've let this happen. Too afraid of the consequences of saying no...too weak. I've forgotten what I should be fighting for. What's important to me...not someone else. He always said I was a coward, time to prove him wrong. I have a right to the life I want. Not what they want to let me have."
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Taking the turns in the mountains at the speed she was would have earned her a dressing down by more people than Nikita cared to count at the moment. Getting turned around twice after leaving Claude's had only infuriated her. Claude was closer to Section One than she had thought. Coming back from here the first time, Michael must have deliberately taken a route to throw her off.
The first wrong turn had put her back almost at Claude's house. The second had her on a path more than a road. But bursting out of it had put her on the highway. Instantly recognizing the road, Nikita had spun the Jeep in a tight circle and sped back in the other direction. The highway was the one that stretch up to the pass coming to where the mountain lake was. And where Michael's cabin was as well. Would he stop there? Nikita shook her head. No he didn't need to.
In a way she was furious with him. He had left without telling her his intentions or saying goodbye. Her inner voice gave a brittle laugh in her head. *Has he ever made love to you like that before? He did say good bye, you fool! He just didn't use any words. He couldn't find a way to do it!*
With tires squealing in angry protest, she flew around another curve and saw the shortcut up to the pass. Tire marks left themselves on the macadam of the road as the Jeep hurdled onto the hardpacked dirt of the shortcut. She fought for control of the vehicle as it adjusted itself to the new road material. Nikita knew how it felt, that was what she'd been doing for weeks now. Trying to adjust to a new feel in the world. She was failing miserably at it, too.
Worrying about Michael was making her take chances on roads she had only tried once or twice. She didn't want to crack up the Jeep but she didn't have the luxury of being totally careful either. The blame for this she placed squarely on her own shoulders, though. She had pushed him to open himself up and this was the result. If only she had just backed off..."Well, then where the hell would we be?"
"OK Nikita, stop kicking yourself. Figure out what you're going to do once you get there. Concentrate on that!"
End of Part 6
continue on to Promises to Keep, Part 7
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