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The stairs to the third floor were too hard to finish. Nikita was shaking so bad she thought she was going to drop Reese. Near the top, she sat down and put Reese on her knees. "I think she knows who I am. Did you see the way she looked at me? Those eyes....it's like looking in the mirror. Only I'm a little girl again."
She looked down at the footsteps and smiled at Annie. "I thought I'd find you somewhere on the stairs. Quite a performance down there wasn't it?" Annie asked softly. Nikita nodded. "You saw her look, didn't you?" She placed Nikita's dufflebag at her feet. "Christine remembered to grab your and Reese's bag in the confusion the other day so if you want to freshen up..."
Nikita acknowledged it by nodding again and added, "She knows."
"I was thinking the same thing. What are you going to do?" She asked as she picked up Reese and headed up the stairs.
Shrugging Nikita twisted her head around to watch Annie go up the last couple of steps. "I don't know. Any suggestions?"
"You're her mother. You have to make that decision. Dinner will be in about an hour. Just sandwiches tonight. I'm too tired to cook. Get a shower, come down to eat and meet everyone."
"OK." Leaning back against the stairs and stretching a back she hadn't realized was stiff, she said under her breath, " My decision, that's what I thought you were going to say."
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Christine straightened the twisted sheet around Michael and stood up. He was sleeping on his own, a good deep sleep. She hoped a dream wouldn't interrupted his peace. After the one last night, she didn't want to see another one. Glancing at the digital on the nightstand, she saw it was time for dinner. Her stomach growled at the thought. *When was the last time I ate besides that apple this afternoon? I can't remember.* With a backwards glance at Michael, she slipped quietly from the room.
Almost instantly, Michael opened his eyes and looked around. His other senses hadn't given him a clue where he was. All he could figure out from what had been happening the last five minutes as he pretended to sleep was that he was alive. Hurt but alive and in a clean comfortable bed. Slowly recognition dawned on him. This was one of the bedrooms .... *How the hell did I get to Claude and Annie's? Last thing I remember was that bullet hit me in the chest and everything going numb then nothing. What in the world is going on?*
He sat up quickly as more memories flooded over him, only to be greeted with furious pain over his whole mid section and in his head. With a groan, he lowered himself back to the bed, struggling to breathe. He had been hurt more than he thought. He gently rubbed his forehead with his hand. Images from events floated through his head. Thinking about what Nikita had done felt worse than sitting up had. She had betrayed him, Reese and what he thought they felt for each other to Section. Lord knew where Reese even was at the moment. Probably already back with Jon Jae, a peace offering from Section One. How much of L' Araigne had rubbed off on him?
Michael had never even dreamed about Nikita doing something like this to him. Obviously Claude had though, he must have seen something that love and trust had kept himself from seeing. Maybe everything since he was rescued from Elouette had been a ruse. To test him to see if he was still worth being an operative. It would not be far fetched for them. And they had gotten the answer too. And with what had happened, their decision had been a clear one. They didn't think so and had sent the one person at him who he would have never suspected.....*Why did you do this Kita? Why?* He rolled to his side, ignoring the agony that spread through his body and the spinning of his head. They didn't hurt as much as everything he held inside.
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Dinner was not as ruckus as their return from the mall had been. Everyone was in the kitchen and on the back deck except Katie. She had told Annie her 'tummy' hurt and she wasn't hungry. That bothered Nikita a lot. Her daughter didn't even really know her; they hadn't even actually met yet and already she didn't want to be around her. Nikita hid her dejection though, and tried to be sociable.
Meeting all the boys was a good way to get to know Annie and Claude better though. Jerrod and Willie had been with them since they were almost newborns and considered Annie and Claude as their parents. Joel, Matthew and Collin were all younger than Katie but had been with them for almost 6 years each. They all acted and treated each other as brothers and from their comments definitely saw Katie as a creature called a 'sister'. Willie called her a pain but Jerrod that she was a 'girl' after all and younger than them. She didn't have much choice in the matter. It was beyond her control. "But she plays a great game of football!" Jerrod had proudly announced as Willie and the other three rolled their eyes.
Nikita was glad to see the closeness and warmth between them all. The feeling the kitchen had originally given her had not been a false one. This house was a home with a family. Just what Katie needed and as she looked over at the little boy in the high chair yawning widely, what he needed too. Getting up, she got Reese out of it and hoisted him up to her shoulder. He laid his head down, wrapping an arm around her neck. "Mama" he said softly.
"Annie, Claude; I'm going to take him upstairs and put him to bed. Then I'll probably go in myself."
Jerrod eagerly stood up, his eyes shining brightly. "Do you need any help?"
She smiled sweetly at him. "No, that's ok, Jerrod. I can handle it but thank you." She ducked out of the kitchen. As the door closed, she could hear the teasing start and Jerrod's rebukes. She chuckled softly as she went up the stairs. They were going to have their hands full with him.
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It had taken all of 15 minutes to get Reese to bed. He was almost asleep as she had gotten him changed to go down. *Have to remember to ask Annie about books. He needs a bedtime story.* Now Nikita sat on the edge of the bed in her room, staring at the closed door across the hall. Two things were running through her head, Michael and Katie. Two confrontations she was not looking forward to.
*Listen to yourself, stupid. Katie is not a confrontation. It's a meeting. An introduction so we get to know each other. But that look she gave me earlier...what does she think of me? Do she hate me? Is she scared I'm coming to get her and take her someplace unfamiliar? I'm afraid to talk to her. What the hell do I say? What can I say? Maybe she doesn't even ....maybe I'm just reading too much into that look. Maybe I'm thinking with my heart instead of my head.*
Nikita stood and paced around the room a little. Hands on both hips, as she walked she stretched her back and leg. Things felt stiff and had a tendency to cramp if she sat too long. She moved her shoulders as she found that the stretch made a thousand little itches start. Gingerly she squatted on the floor. Pain shot up the back of her thigh to the small of her back. With a "OW", she quickly stood.
Her plan to get Michael to come with her should have worked. She had thought it out, going over it step by step with the others. It had made sense. *That was a mistake. If I think with my head, I'm wrong....if I use my heart I'm wrong....ok then which way do I do it?!?!* Nikita stopped by the window and looked out. Nothing was sure anymore. Not even if this idyllic place was safe. She brought nothing but danger to Katie, eventually pain to Reese and well by the looks of things, anger and hate out of Michael.
"What made you change how you feel so fast? How many times lately have you asked me not to stop loving you and now you back out on me? Why are we playing this game again, Michael? How do you want me to react? I thought we were together in this. You were talking like there was a life for us and now there's nothing?" Nikita shoved the curtains back across the window.
*Damn it, if I have to sit in his room til doomsday for him to wake up then I will. We are not finished with this. I will not let it stop like this. No, he's going to tell me what is going on! And if this turns out to be one of their little tests, I'll kill him.*
Taking a deep breath, Nikita crossed the hall. She could hear the loud voices of the boys begging Simon to play football with them. There was a quieter voice that she thought was Christine urging him to do it. The screen door slammed open and then she could hear the voices coming from the end of the hallway where an open window was. The house was quiet.
Carefully she opened the door to Michael's room. It was dim inside. He laid curled on his side asleep. As her eyes adjusted she could see it was similar in design to hers. On the wall on the other side of the room was a window seat. Soundlessly she walked across the room and curled herself up on it, ignoring the protests of her body. Leaning her head so she could see him on the bed as well as look out, she pushed the curtains out of the way.
The football game was already started. Somehow the whole group had been drafted to play. She didn't see Katie which meant she was still in her room. With a sigh, she looked to see who was teamed up with who. She smiled as she saw the set up. Claude, Simon and Jerrod on one team, everyone else on the other which meant they didn't stand a chance. The first play was a disaster with Collin getting flattened and the ball ran back by Jerrod. The second play was almost a repeat of the first. Only this time, Simon got the ball and Christine, carrying them both off to a touchdown. She had struggled and laughed the whole way to the goal line. They landed in a heap together on the ground, Christine playfully beat on Simon while he lamely defended himself. Their laughter drifting up to her window.
Simon and Christine were becoming close quickly. At Section One, Nikita was not the only one who got the long looks from the other male operatives. Christine got more than her share but never noticed them. She was as closed off as her brother. Nikita had heard the comments and saw the looks but never saw any of the words followed by action. Well she supposed that Christine had seen most of then somehow in her position as CMO and that probably took the thrill out of it for them. Maybe for Christine too. *Why am I sitting here thinking about Christine's love life or lack of should I say....my personal life is not in the greatest of shapes. Probably because it's easier to look at her bad spots and fix 'em than it is my own.*
Simon would make a good match for her. He was protective like Michael and he loved to talk and listen. Sensitive was a good word for him. He would be a good one to pull Christine from her shell because he adapted to a situation quickly and easily. He would see a need and fill it. And from what she knew about both their lives before Section, they had grown up on the same rough streets. He wasn't hard to look at either but Nikita had never really thought of him in that way. He was too much like a brother. But others around Section did, just as they did about Michael and had about Mullin. Michael didn't even know about Mullin yet but she doubted it would change his mind about things..
She tried to imagine what life had been for Michael and Christine before L' Araigne had exploded into it. From what little Michael had divulged to her about life with his parents, it seemed to be very much like this place. Nikita remembered how deteriorated the cottage had been and what it possibly could have looked like back then. Michael obviously had not been there in years, maybe no one else had either. But back then it must have been a beautiful place to live and grow up in. Even with time and associated memories rotting it to the ground, its outline showed that.
Nikita shivered inspite of herself, recalling Michael's tales of life with L' Araigne. Ever since he had told her, and she thought about it, hatred for that animal bubbled up. The man had destroyed so many lives. The feel of the piece of wood hitting him and the sound of it still coursed through her hands and ears. She winced a little at the memory. Reacting as she had to the situation had been almost animal like. Just as the other one had been with her....
The shiver didn't stop either as she flinched from another thought that the image of L' Araigne always brought up....Bauer. Michael had told her he was dead. He said he had even pulled the trigger. But there was still fear and disgust inside whenever she heard the name or his face popped into her head when her guard was down. Her hand reached up to her face to touch where he had so viciously hit her. It had been bruised anew at Greg's house by that operative who had tried to kill her. The first one had taken so long to fade, how long would this take? It was almost like a branding.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she tried to prevent the burned in recollection of his hands and mouth on her from coming too close. But it was too late, it was there. She wiped a shaky hand across her mouth and gagged. She could still felt the touch of his hand and flinched at the memory. Nikita couldn't figured out why it bothered her so much. It wasn't like he had actually gotten anywhere but had just the try been enough to make her feel this way? She adjusted her shirt; feeling absolutely vulnerable, just like she had at the cabin when Michael arrived
This was all so strange and hard to understand. There had only been a short time between him leaving her to go back to Claude's with Reese and holding a gun on her accusing her of betraying him to Section. What had made him turn on her the way he had? It made no sense. He must have completely lost control. *I told them before he was in a tailspin and I think I got nicked with that tail. Damn it wasn't just a nick. It hit me so hard that I think I fell out of the sky.* There was a sound from the bed and she turned to see if he was awake. He was still asleep but mumbling. Whatever he was dreaming about must have been good because there was a smile on his face. She focused again on the football game and soon was asleep.
The slamming of something downstairs woke Nikita with a jump. Then she heard it again and discovered it was just the screen door downstairs. She could smell popcorn too. Looking out the window, she could see the game had ended. Jerrod and Claude were tossing the football back and forth. Annie and Willie sat under a tree with Collin and Joel. Their conversation had to be about something exciting because Joel jumped to his feet, stomped them times and sat back down. Hands and arms waved while Annie and Willie looked at each other and laughed. Nikita couldn't make out whether they were saying something to each other or what. Matthew was trying futilely to use a rope like a lasso on a tree stump. Simon and Christine were nowhere to be seen.
Hearing the door open, she looked over and saw the bed was empty. Nikita froze on the spot. He had seen her and just got up and walked out. How in the world had they come to this so fast; she asked herself again. Michael didn't even want to be in the same room with her. The feelings she had experienced early flooded back over her, she drew her legs up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them. Fighting the tears, she turned her head back to the window. She had some tough decisions to make and no time to shed tears.
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Michael paused half way down the stairs to the second floor. Somehow he had gotten to Claude and Annie's. That much he had figured out before. Puzzled he looked around, the house was quiet which judging by the time of day was not unusual. He sniffed and felt his stomach rumble at the smell of popcorn. It had been a while since he had eaten. He came down a few more steps to the landing. He walked to the room at the end and knocked. "Claude? Annie?" There was no answer. Turning he ran a hand through his hair.
The first thing he saw was Katie. She had come out of one of the rooms. They studied each other for a moment. "Do you..." Before he could finish, Katie whirled like a top and flew back in her room. The door closed loudly behind her. Michael stood there dismayed. Katie had looked like a frightened rabbit. Had coming here been that upsetting for her? Or had seeing a strange half dressed man in the hallway outside her room frightened her?
He started down the next set of stairs. No one was in the living room. He pushed the door to the kitchen open. Simon and Christine stood in the dimly lit kitchen quietly talking.
"How soon before he can travel?"
"I took him off the sedatives this morning. Nikita is already healing up. She's not going to need me anymore. Physically he won't be able to handle a lot of stress. I couldn't repla..." Christine suddenly felt eyes and looked in the feeling's direction. She gazed into the stone cold face of Michael.
"I can see where I stand." He backed up and let the door swing shut.
Christine looked back at Simon. "We've got a problem."
"Ah, yeah. Let me go talk to him before this goes any further."
It didn't take Michael long to get back upstairs. He ignored the fire in his torso. All he wanted to do was find his clothes and leave. *First stop is Section One and Operations. I've had it. Cancel me or whatever, I don't care anymore,* He pushed the door open further so it banged against the wall.
Nikita jumped from the window seat, unsteady on her feet because of her stiff back and leg. Their eyes locked. She could see the fury in his and hoped he could see what she felt in hers.
"So are you proud of yourself? You learned your lessons from Oscar quite well. He'll be proud of you. I hope you'll enjoy your new status."
"Listen..."
His voice rose. "I told you I'm through listening to you. We are done. You betrayed us and you betrayed me. You sold me out and proved how unloyal you really are. There can be nothing else. You burned this bridge out."
"I didn't do anything to hurt you!"
"You lied to me. You betrayed me!"
"You're so blind, so STUPID!! YOU WANT TO SEE MY GOD DAMN BETRAYAL....." Nikita shoved him out of her way and left the room. Michael was right behind her. He wanted to make sure she wasn't going to pull some other trick on him. He saw her at the last door in the hallway. Neither saw Simon get to the top of the stairs and stop. She thrust open the door and hissed in his face. "Take a good long look at my betrayal, Michael. Then if you are still having a problem, you can take a good look at what my betrayal did to my back. An inch closer and my betrayal would have killed me. Try to make up your mind about the difference between betrayal and loyalty. Decide if I'm a liar you hate or the woman you love. If I don't get the right answer, I'm gone."
She brushed by him and he looked in the small room. Curled around his teddy bear and a small pillow was Reese. He pushed back the wave of relief that hit him. Reese being in that crib didn't make up for the two in the kitchen. Not by a long shot. They were from Section, even though he had felt some trust for them both, now it was different. She had brought them here. When there was two, there had to be more. She had plotted against him with Operations and Madeline, drawing in everybody he cared about. This wasn't proof. He didn't believe her. They must have promised her something fantastic to get her to do this. What had it been? Freedom from Section One so she could be with Katie? Probably. He would short circuit that for her. Only a few well placed comments were needed...
"She's right. You're stupid." Michael turned at the words to see Simon. "Can't you see what's been going on?"
"When do you plan to drag me back? What did you threaten Claude and Annie with to get them to cooperate?" Michael could feel his body start to protest the time on his feet and the emotions running rampant through him. It wasn't the time or place to give into them. It was time to shut down unneeded things. He would just have to bide his time. He knew there was no way to get past Simon in the condition he was in either.
"Man, maybe I hit you too hard a couple of weeks ago because you've got problems understanding what the truth is. Open your eyes, Michael! Paranoia and belief in illusion are not your usual traits. She busted her ass getting you and that little boy out of there. ALIVE. So it wasn't the neatest operation in the history of the world. So what? You 're alive, she's alive and you've got both the kids here. If Christine and I can get it together and figure out how to do it then you might even get out of it entirely. Have a chance to be a family."
Michael gave a short bitter sounding laugh. "You people are rich, you know that? What makes you think I'm going to believe any of this? I know what I saw."
Simon raised an eyebrow. "You know what you saw? OK, look at your chest. You took a bullet to the chest, didn't you. You know you did."
"Correct." *Where the hell is he going with this one?*
"Then where's the hole, Michael? Do you see one? No; you will probably find one huge painful bruise and a small incision where they drained the blood from your lung. God, man this isn't some freaking dream you've been having. Jesus, she took a bullet in the back for you. It was only a couple of inches from her spine. She could've died. As it is, her back looks like a freaking road map."
His words were greeted by Michael's silent but smoldering eyes. Simon went on. "You were tranq'd. So we could make you disappear. Operations and George are gunning for you two. They're out to kill you and her. Plus get their hands on that kid for some reason. Christine and I were sent here, that I admit to. But Nikita asked us to help too. It was just not at Madeline's command. We're here to make sure you're safe and protected. And if I have my way, you're not going back to Section. Am I getting through that thick head of yours yet?" Simon could tell by the blank look on Michael's face that he wasn't listening. So much for the friendship he thought they shared.
"Thank you for the review of my behaviour and thought processes. It was quite enlightening. I appreciate you pointing out my basic problems. But I got a tip for you. Be me before you judge me."
"I'm not judging. I want you to see what is really going on here. You're throwing away the best part of yourself Michael. Don't be an idiot about this. Listen to us. We're not lying to you." The eyes only got angrier. Simon shook his head. "Yeah thanks for the friendship and trust in me too, Michael. Haul your own rear out of the next problem. I'm done doing it for you. " He retorted sarcastically. Stiffly, Michael walked back to the room where Reese was and went inside. Feeling like he had failed, Simon headed back down the stairs.
Christine was waiting for him at the bottom. As their eyes met, he shook his head. She chewed on her lower lip for a minute before she tried to go up passed him. He held out an arm to catch her around the waist. "Leave him alone. He's got his mind made up and the only one who's going to change it is Michael. Let him think for a while."
Her mouth formed a thin hard line. "I'll give him a few things to think about." Christine pushed his arm away and went up another step before he got a hold of her again. This time he swung her completely off the steps and against the front of him. The awareness of him she abruptly experienced shocked her.
His voice was stern and his eyes were hard. "I said to let him think for a while. If you're debating on dropping your little bomb right now, don't. Your timing is wrong. I 'm not going to let you do it."
"My life, my family, MY decision." Christine let her anger show, the other feelings that rose up inside, she pushed back on. "If you think I'm going to give in just because you're bigger and stronger then you're wrong." *And if you don't let go of me, I might just start to lose myself. *
Simon watched the flashing of her eyes and the way her fists were balled and held against his chest. There was a slight shake to her and her breathing was rapid. He felt ..... Quickly he released her and backed away. A hot streak of guilt flashed through him. *Melissa used to do that when she... he pulled back from unpleasant memories. "Yeah I guess it is your life. Who the hell am I to care? Do what you want." With a sound of distaste, he turned and stalked out the front door.
She watched his departure, swallowing hard. For the first time in years, Christine had forgotten to bring down with her the invisible white coat she kept wrapped around herself. Being without it left her feelings unshielded. It was a scary sensation especially the one she was having. She hadn't been ready for this. She looked up the stairs and thought about Michael. *So this is what was rolling around inside of you. Now I understand why you kept lashing out the way you did and still are. When you haven't allowed yourself to experience your emotions as they should be... There's more inside than you have room for and it just has to get out. It feels weird but I think I like it...*
Throwing herself down on the couch, Christine looked towards the ceiling. With opening up to herself the way she had, two problems revealed themselves. Not only was she unhappy but she was terribly lonely. Suddenly she realized she understood what had driven Michael and Nikita to each other. With a bittersweet smile, she wondered if she might be able to find her way to the same path.
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Chapter 6
Michael sat down hard in the chair in Reese's room. His face and eyes were blank as he watched the boy sleep. His mind was however caught up in the pandemonium of emotions that was coursing through him. Unconsciously his hand went to his chest. There was no hole, nothing to indicate a bullet had hit him there. But it was surprisingly tender and it dawned on him that when he moved, that was where the pain started. Then it traveled downward and radiated to his ribs which he knew were now healing from being broken.
He blinked rapidly as memories for the events in the woods outside Greg's house played out. He winced a little as he recalled the words he had flung at Nikita and the expression on her face. He remembered running from the house and seeing her fall. Then he thought she had tripped, the ground was rutty. But she hadn't tripped, that must have been when she got shot. If she had been in the front, it would have been him.
She had come into the house alone to get him. She had gotten help not only from Claude, which made sense, but from Section too, people who for the most part he trusted. And that place didn't have many that fit that category for him. Michael looked down at his hands. His words of rage at Nikita once again echoing in his head along with her pleas to listen to her and understand the job she had to do. It suddenly struck him how many times she had mentioned staying alive and being together. Simon had just said the same things.
Michael stood up, now agitation visible in his eyes. Comprehension of his actions swept over him like a wave. He had let emotions cloud his judgement, clearly endangering their lives and the children's. Section One didn't know about Claude and Annie, so they were in jeopardy now too. It was inevitable that they would come to look for them and Simon and Christine were here without backup....*Whoa, Michael, rewind. Christine ....on a mission....she's a doctor not a field op...Was Nikita that worried about this getting out of hand?* He remembered seeing her fighting with someone for a gun and almost holding her own. Then the cold reserved way she had held her weapon on him as if she had been doing it as long as Nikita. Had her friendship with Nikita gotten that strong that she would put herself as deep into the situation as she was? Or was something else behind it? There was no clear answer.
He cupped his hands over his face for a moment and then ran them over it and up through his hair. Things were starting to fall into place. The attacks...Nikita's premonitions...his own sense of something wrong...Madeline's appearance at Nikita's room...Operations' push to get moving on the mission... "Merde" he whispered. Pieces were now locking together. The mission had been for him to get pulled in like this. His guard was down and they knew he was vulnerable. They had known where his weakness was and how to use it. It would have been obvious that Nikita would have tried to keep him from slipping away. Operations had expected him to run, to take the baby and Nikita with him. It was a perfect excuse to get rid of both of them, wasn't it?
Jon Jae wasn't the cause of this. He didn't want Reese back and didn't care about the boy at all. Michael knew that. No, Reese was a weak link in Jon Jae's world, a vulnerable spot, the perfect pawn. It was in a way what he had first thought in the cabin. That's what Operations saw Reese and Nikita as. And Michael had unwittingly pulled Katie into the fray. For some reason, Michael had become a liability for Operations and he was trying to find an excuse or an easy way to cancel him. How long had Operations been plotting and manipulating him to this, to get him right where he wanted him? And Operations wasn't the only one after them, the Agency was involved somehow too. And Madeline had been trying to keep them out of it somehow and that was the way it seemed. What was there to indicate that she was not involved as well? Nothing.
The next thought hit him like a wrecking ball. This was because of the Directory. They were afraid of what he had seen on that disk while he had it. No, he shook his head, that wasn't it. This thing had been brewing for a while. It was about what he knew, what he had and who he was connected with. Who he was and what he was that was where the problem came from. That was it, like he had control over the majority of it. The past had made him and now it was going to obliterate everything else.
He had to talk to Nikita, apologize to her and get a plan together. They had to disappear and fast. The past was going after the people he cared most about. His past and his mistakes were almost like a living breathing creature that just wouldn't stay down. This wasn't how he had imagined things would end up. Not in a million years. On the run, hiding and always having to be careful. Even more than they had to be now. That breathing room Operations had promised Nikita was gone.
Michael stood up fast from the rocker and started for the crib when the world tilted. He almost fell as he caught his breath and balance. He knew he was pushing it. He had lost blood and had probably been in shock a while, guessing at the distance between Greg's house and here. What was that Simon had said...*'drained your lung'* . Forcing himself to be steady on his feet, he made it the rest of the way to the crib. Reese rolled over onto his back, his arm flopping out to the side. A weary smile appeared on Michael's face. Whispering softly as he gently touched the baby's face, "I'll try to make sure we don't have to do it too long. I promised to keep you safe and love you as if you were my own. I think I already do."
Then he turned and decided to go find Nikita. The anger towards her was gone. He still had questions but she wouldn't have the answers he needed. Those could only come from Operations and Madeline. At least the intense urge to lash out and hurt was gone. It had been replaced by a lot of guilt and a fair amount of shame for his actions.*It never should have been. I never should have doubted her feelings and my trust in her. I was wrong.* He had hurt her deeply and was ready to admit that he wasn't sure how to fix it this time. He could only try and hope she was willing to believe what he was saying and how he truly felt. The only way out was together.
Quietly he almost closed the door behind him, remembering how Merle used to instantly wake up if he heard the click of the door. Halfway down the hall, Michael felt dizzy again. He put a hand out to the wall and waited for the feeling to stop. The battle between what he wanted to do and what his body demanded was intensifying.. He'd been out for a couple of days at least and he had overhead Christine saying that she had only stopped sedating him earlier in the day. So what was he doing now, pushing...*Just a little longer...*
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A sly smile curved Christine's mouth as she sat with her head leaned back on the couch. *Yes, strong hands, the skin feels a little rough. He isn't the hand lotion type. And I already have a very good idea of what his body looks like. Firm with muscles proportioned and built just right. Some interesting spots to...whoa girl...don't think about that yet...that mouth and those eyes....the girls talk about getting lost in Michael's...they haven't looked in the deep ones Si...* Christine started guiltily from her fantasy as she heard footsteps on the stairs. They stopped and she got up to see why. Michael leaned with his forehead against the wall. Both of his hands clenched the railing not only for balance but to try and stop his shaking.. To her eyes and ears, his breathing was shallow and rapid, he had all the signs of being ready to pass out and topple over. As he heard someone approach him, he held out a trembling hand.
"I'm fine. Just give me a minute." His voice was low and rough. The words said slowly as if it took a lot of thought or effort to get them out. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the railing and turned. Just as had happened in Reese's room, everything in front of Michael's eyes tilted. A sound like air being blown through a tube filled his ears. Then the world started to spin and darken. He felt cold all over and couldn't tell which way was up. He put out a hand trying to find the railing.
Christine watched as all color drained from his face. She was at him as he started to crumble and pitch forward. Catching him with a shoulder under one arm before he got too far, she carefully lowering him to a sitting position. Christine knew he was out when his head slumped down onto her other shoulder as she changed position. She exhaled hard, angry at him for pushing himself and at herself for having not kept him under longer. "You always were a hard-headed little mutt," she murmured through gritted teeth. "No stress, your body can't handle it yet.
Impulsively she hugged him, wishing he could return it. Christine resisted the wetness behind her eyelids. It had been so long since he had done that. Sadly the memories of him covering her ears for her during thunderstorms and telling her the storm couldn't hurt her came to her. As a child she had been terrified of storms and as an adult did not deal well with them either. Even as a toddler, he tried to make her feel better and even try to protect her. His usual method was to stand in front of her bedroom window, arms across his chest as if daring the storm. Nothing ever scared him and he was still the same after all these years. Except now he protected Nikita from storms.
Nudging her reminiscences aside, she felt for a pulse at his throat and was grateful to find that it was slowing down. But it was still a little too rapid for her tastes. He was upset and stressed, he needed to calm down. Already though she could tell he was starting to come around. His first words were unintelligible. He started to lift his head and was forced back to his original position. Christine knew his head must have seemed to be spinning in a tight fast circle. "'Kita," he moaned. "Where is she?"
"She's up in her room, where you ought to be. Idiot, what were you thinking? You need to take it easy. Your body's not ready for activity or stress." She ran a hand along the side of his head and to his back. On his back, with a finger, she traced small circles along his shoulders. He was quiet for a moment, the tenseness in his shoulders almost melting away. Christine suppressed a smile. Mama's old trick still worked on him. She remembered Mama sitting there for an hour or more when he couldn't sleep doing the same thing until he did nod off.
"Forgot how Mama used to do...." He quickly leaned back, eyes narrowed and suspicious. "Why were you doing that?"
Christine looked at him with a puzzled expression. "I remembered how you used to like...." Immediately aware she had trapped herself in a very awkward situation, she got to her feet. "I'm going to go get Simon. Get you back to bed."
Michael wasn't about to let her walk away. That was how Mama used to help him feel better or fall asleep as a little boy. It had been one of those special things that a mother did for her child. The kind one remembered sadly as an adult when the mother was gone. His hand flashed out and grabbed her wrist. "How do you remember that? Who the hell were you before you came to Section?"
The carefully constructed shelter that Christine had created for herself was shaking from a potential avalanche. She had to think fast. "I saw Simone doing that once when you were hurt in Medlab. It seemed to relax you and calm you down that time, so I tried it. Excuse me for wanting to make you feel better. As for who I was. I was a stupid third year resident who tried to stop someone's suffering. I paid the penalty for others' misunderstanding of that suffering. Anything else you want to know, save it for later. I don't like talking about my life before Section. Now let go of me!"
The flash of anger in her eyes and the way she looked at him reminded him strongly of Paige when they were children and his mother too. Paige would get furious with him for following her around all the time. He was the Mutt, because he always followed her like a lost dog. Weeks ago he could have sworn she called him that but she had insisted he had heard wrong. Things were starting to pile up and Michael didn't like the shape it was taking on. He let go of her wrist and she finished going down the stairs. He watched her go. *There was no way for that to be possible, Michael!*
The screen door slammed behind her and Michael flinched from the sound. He held his breath for a minute to listen for a cry from Reese. There was none. A headache had started and was getting stronger. He couldn't waste anymore time. Christine had said Nikita was up in her room. Good, they could talk in private and he could undo the damage he had caused.
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The door had no sooner finished slamming behind her when Simon was in her face. "What made him ask you that?"
Christine raised guilty eyes up to his angry ones. She didn't feel guilty for almost revealing herself to Michael. No, it was coming face to face with the person she'd been having the fantasy about. "Nothing." Her heart was hammering in her chest. Being so close to him after that scene in her head was almost overpowering.
"Then why do you look so guilty?"
"Never mind," she snapped. "I want your help to get him back up to bed. Now." Christine pulled on her invisible white coat. It was a great shield against the world. And she was grateful for its cover now. She had to regain control and give up daydreams which did her no good at all.
Simon made a sound of exasperation as he studied her. She could shut herself off just like Michael. Him, he could tolerate but from Christine, it not only annoyed him but bothered him. He felt slighted and pushed aside, as if she had reached up and slapped him. He only wanted the closeness he had earlier with her. He didn't understand why these feelings were coming on so strong or how to stop them, he had no problem before this fiasco all started. They had been easy to stifle but that had changed like a flash. "Fine, I don't have a problem with that. Where is he?"
"On the first flight of stairs. He passed out and almost fell down them. I want him back in bed. He's been up and on his feet for too long." She knew she was repeating herself but there was just too much swirling in her head. She didn't have the space left for being creative. Simon followed her back in. "Damn him!" she cursed softly as she stopped at the bottom. He looked over her shoulder.
"Piece of advice...tell Michael to do something for his own good, stay and make sure he does it. Otherwise, you are out of luck." He pointed to the stairs. "Case in point. He's not here so where is he? By chance, did he ask where Princess was?"
"Who?" Christine twisted around so she could see him. She felt annoyed by Michael and disturbed by Simon. She didn't make the connection.
"Nikita." Simon knew her head was elsewhere but wasn't sure where that was.
"Yes, I told him she was up in her room."
"Then that's where he is. And if I were you I would stay out of it until it gets quiet up there. She had a full head of steam a little while ago and I do not mess with that."
In anger, Christine hit the railing and looked up the stairs again. It was quiet. She turned to look at Simon again only to find herself alone. With a sigh, she sat down. "OK. Now Christine, what are you planning to do about both the messes you've got started?"
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It took Michael several minutes to reach the third floor but only seconds to determine Nikita's room. He didn't hesitate to knock on the door or to open it. He didn't want to announce himself and give her a chance to refuse to see him. The room was dim, except for the small bedside lamp. The door to the bathroom was closed and he could hear the shower running. He sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to figure out what he was going to say to her. His head still throbbed and it made it hurt more to think.
He still hadn't figured a way out of the situation they were in either. There was still that part of him that itched to go back to Section One and have it out with Operations. Just the two of them. Michael wanted to know how it had gotten to what they had now. Yes, there had been times over the years where he had been furious at the man but it had always gone away. He remembered one time accusing Operations of being jealous of his connection to Nikita. Could that be the answer? Could it be because he did not just follow the rules anymore?
No, he had started doing that before Nikita and even before Simone and the baby. Maybe it was when Operations had perceived the change Michael's outward attitude about Nikita. He felt it occur the day he was told to cancel Nikita while she was still in training. Because she wasn't 'progressing' fast enough. He nodded to himself. That was when the resentment that had always lingered at the back of his head started to grow. To the point where it actually manifested itself verbally, physically and violently.
Looking towards the bathroom door, he noticed the shower had stopped. She would be coming out soon. Maybe he should knock on it and tell he was waiting out here for her. But then again, if she knew he was out here, she might just stay in there. Life had gotten very complicated and the pathway very muddy since she had come into his life. *I wouldn't give up any of it except the times I hurt her. Even though it seemed best at the time, because that's where this came from. It came from old habits. Why the hell didn't I think before I opened my mouth? I know I was angry but I can't let my emotions keep me from thinking like that again. It could get me or someone I care about killed. I made that mistake before, why didn't I learn from it? It made me lose before, I don't want to go through that again. * He broke off his self-incrimination as the bathroom door opened.
Nikita padded out of the bathroom, wrapped in only a towel. She had another over her head and was gently squeezing it to make it absorb the water from her hair. With it over her head, she didn't see him but she sensed him. "Came crawling back to see the rest of the evidence?" Her voice was bitter and her tone sharp. She tore the towel off her head so he could her upper back.
Michael could see the vivid red slashes and cuts along her shoulder blades and the stitches that covered some of them. Some were short, others disappeared below the edge of the towel. He knew they hurt and wanted to make it better. But what could he do? He wanted to hold her and comfort her. Have a chance to feel the same comfort from her. Michael stood to approach her when she spun at him with the towel like whip. He just caught the edge of it with his hand. His reactions were slow and it took him a split second to get a hold of it. "Are you in pain?"
"My back is nothing compared to the way you made me feel. But I've chalked it up to a learning experience. I don't want you in here." Letting go of her end of the towel, she motioned to the door with her head. "Leave." Her face was composed and her eyes were cold. She refused to let him know how much she wanted him to reach out to her. But Nikita was afraid of what else he was going to show her next. Afraid of the anger he had thrown at her.
"We need to talk." He could feel the distance between them like it was a physical thing instead of just the foot and a half of empty space it really was.
"I'm not in the mood to listen. Go back to your room. If I change my mind I'll let you know. Don't hold your breath, though." Nikita kept her head even though she wanted to scream at him for what he has said to her. She walked stiffly to the door and opened it. "I mean it Michael."
"Don't push me out. I want to apologize. I was wrong." He waited for a reaction from her.
"I think I've told you this before. Too little too late. The door is open. I would prefer you use it."
Michael walked over to her and grabbed the edge of the door. "No I think the door is closed." With a hard pull, he yanked the doorknob out of her hand and the door slammed shut.
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Claude and Annie were just coming in as the sound of the door reached downstairs. Christine was looking over her shoulder with a sour expression. "What was that?" Claude asked quickly.
"They're talking it out." Christine made another face. " Let me rephrase that. They're fighting." She propped her chin on her hands again.
"Should we..."
"NO!!" Christine and Annie said in unison.
Christine added sarcastically, "Because maybe if he falls flat on his face, he understand about what I mean when I say 'no stress'!"
Claude held up both hands. "OK. Fine. Swords down, please. I'll retreat. Geesh...Anybody thirsty?" He raised his voice a little. "Simon, a beer?"
"NO," came Simon's sharp reply from outside. Both women shook their heads as well. Annie gave him a stern look.
"That's it. I'm going to hide out on the deck. Maybe I'll be safe there."
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Silence followed Michael's slamming of the door. He could tell she was trying to keep her composure intact but her eyes told him how mad she really was and how hurt too. Nikita started to back away. His hand came up to the side of her head, fingers slipping into her wet hair. He didn't want her to pull away any further. "We're going to talk to each other. We're not going to yell. We're not going to scream. While one of us is talking, the other is listening. Really listening. Not just hearing the words, Nikita, but listening to them and the feelings that create the words."
"Aren't we fancy when we want to be? Get out of seduction mode, Michael. It's not going to work."
"I'm not trying to seduce you. I want you to listen to me. I want us to understand each other. I want you to forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you the way I did. I was out of my head. I'm sorry. I love you."
He wasn't ready for the slap to his face or the hard shove to his chest. He backed away holding his hands to his chest. It was painful. Michael looked over at her with slightly blurry eyes. The slap had made his head hurt even more.
"Love me?! You BASTARD! You say you love me and yet can say those things to me?"
"Like you've never doubted me? You've never lashed out at me in fear? How many times have you said something to alleviate your pain and particularly rip out my heart?! Like when you tore into me about knowing of Katie and telling Operations about her? That's not like this at all is it?"
"What heart?" She had to stop herself from wincing. It had slipped out and was exactly what he meant. "Damn you! Just shut up!" She hadn't thought of that incident. But at least it hadn't almost gotten them killed.
"No! You just proved me right and you know it. I will admit that I was wrong for the things I accused you of and the things I called you. I was not thinking and I wasn't listening to you. I was letting my emotions control every action. I was out of control and that loss almost got us killed. I can never make up for that. I let you and both of them down. The action is unforgivable but please forgive the man."
"You called me a bitch, a liar...You accused me of betraying you and that baby and in a sense my own daughter. I would die first before I ever betrayed any of you. Do you really think I would give up hope for tomorrow for Section? I haven't worked this hard and this long to throw it all away! I was trying to give you back what you've wanted for so god blessed long!"
"Please I am trying..."
"What did you think I was doing? I wanted to make sure you had a chance at what you seemed so desperate for! I wanted to give you back some semblance of a family. No, at that moment the perfect operative, Mr. Cold and Deadly goes freaking schizo on me!"
"You're the one who was begging for me to feel more often, show my feelings. I did! I showed you fear, anger, doubt, confusion! What else do you want from me, Nikita? You searched for my love. I've given it. Now, I 'm searching for your forgiveness. Will you give me that?" Michael could still feel his head pounding viciously. He needed to sit down but not until he knew he had her back in touch with him. She felt so far away from him emotionally and it bothered him a great deal.
Nikita could feel her resolve getting weaker but she refused to let go of the anger and the hurt. "Do you have any idea how much you cut into me with those words? I don't know where I bled more from. My heart or my wounds. You lost more than your control. You're very close to losing me." Threats, she didn't want to use them but they came easily when she got mad.
"Don't say that to me unless you really mean it. Unless you're completely prepared to turn your back on me and walk out that door. And if you are, I'll take my own chances with them out there."
"She's my daughter. She goes with me. As for your chances, try nil. You won't last out there. You never lived out there!"
"One doesn't have to live out there to know how to survive it. And if you really wanted to be smart, if we were both really thinking instead of fighting each other we would know that it would be best for them both to stay here. Walk away before they know who we are. Better than false hopes or empty promises."
She looked away from him and up to the ceiling. "Yeah right. Like the ones you've made me. You're going to leave it all behind and start fresh. The people, the past, the pain, memories, guilt, regrets....I can just see it. Michael the Perfect reigns again. How soon before you shut down? How soon before that they see that Section mask you keep in your front pocket to deal with situations you don't want to? Huh? I don't give it very long."
"My Section mask? When was the last time I was that way with you? That doesn't exist anymore between us. There is no place for it. I made that promise to you out on that highway when I put that ring back on your finger. That was neither false nor empty. We weren't going to revisit the past. That is part of it, not of now. Neither of them will ever experience that."
Nikita pulled the ring off her hand. "This ring? It used to mean something. Until you said I betrayed you. I wore it as a reminder of my loyalty to you. But since I don't have that anymore I don't need it. It's stupid for me to wear it anyway. It doesn't mean any... " She held it out.
Michael shook his head. "I SAID I'M SORRY!!! I don't want it. Put it back on. Wear it around your neck. Keep it in your pocket. On your dresser. Put in back into the jewelry box! Don't do this. I want you and I want your forgiveness. I made a horrible mistake. WHAT CAN I DO? GET ON MY KNEES AND BEG? GET ABSOLUTION FROM A PRIEST? Tell me what you want!"
"For you to get away from me. To stop wrecking my world! TO LEAVE ME ALONE! TO GET OUT AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" She flung the ring at him but he was able to catch it before it fell to the floor.
"If I'd stayed out of your life you'd be dead. And that little girl would be motherless. Reese would be God knows where. And you know what else, I'd have ended it all a long time before any of this even thought about starting." He looked down on the ring. His whole body felt heavy. He just wanted to sink to his knees. And if he started crying here in front of her, so what? "Someday this ring is going to mean exactly what it was meant to mean. You'll be able to wear it everyday and not have to worry about taking it off. Just like I want to and hope to."
She fought back the tears at his words. There he was talking about someday and a future again. "I'm sick of the talk, the words, the apologies all the time. That's all it's ever going to be. We aren't going to get and be allowed a future together. So who do you think you're kidding? Who are you trying so hard to convince? Me or yourself?"
"Both of us, so we keep fighting for it and for us." Michael wasn't sure if he was reaching her. He kept grabbing at wisps of hopes and dreams to pull her back. He had pushed her so far this time he was truly afraid of the consequences. She could walk out that door in a second and he would never see her again. For once he wished things would just be easy for them. That she wouldn't be so stubborn and headstrong.
Nikita turned her back to him. She didn't want to look at those eyes of his anymore. His pleading and need for her to understand him were revealed there. There wasn't a hint of Section Michael in those eyes. She wanted to be angry with him. But to see him look at her like that made it so hard. All she wanted was to be held right now. To forget what had happened. To turn the nightmare it had been away and push it aside.
She wanted to talk to him, to understand, to feel, to believe him most of all but she felt so far from him. All she wanted was the man who was her best friend, partner and lover. And that was who was standing here in the room with her. His eyes told her that. But there had been too much hurt. She stiffened as his hands touched her shoulders, both thumbs moving in unison with that motion he used to tell her everything was all right.
Michael leaned in to her ear. "Mon coeur, please believe in what is us and what you've made me feel. Believe in that not what my actions and words implied there. They weren't real. They came from hurt and pain. I was afraid, it made me wrong and cruel. I lashed out at the one person who is everything to me. Please..."
"Aren't these just words again?"
"Yes." He turned her around so he could looked into her eyes. He could feel the lightheaded feeling returning, he fought it back. He cupped her face with both hands as she looked away from him, bringing her eyes back to his. "But I asked you to look behind the words to the feelings that make them. You woke them up in me. I find it hard sometimes to shut some down or completely control them. I'm still practicing. Don't stop teaching me now. I know we've been through this before. How many ways do you want me to put it so that you believe me?"
"Don't blame this on me. I tried so hard. You didn't...." He slid a thumb across her lower lip. A shiver ran down her spine. Maybe he wasn't trying to seduce her but he was doing a damn good job at it. Her heart, head and body were all victims to it.
"There was a lot I didn't. There was a lot of I should have. Someday is sitting just outside. I don't want it to get up and walk away. I don't want to lose our chance, ourselves. We've got the chance of being a family. I've dreamed of one for so long. I've wanted a real one for so long. My first two chances I lost. I know you have too. Let's not lose this one. Please, Nikita. Forgive me. I was weak, and want to make up for it. But I'm scared, this is more than I ever thought it would be. Don't you want me to stop saying I'm sorry all the time? I just want to be able to say I love you. No, I don't do it right all the time, letting other things interfere. It's wrong and I shouldn't let it happen. I promise to try harder."
The honest emotions behind the words pushed away the last of her anger and he could see it in her eyes. There was something that lingered there but then that was always there. He knew he had that too, caused by memories and regrets. Michael had never found a way to completely make it go away just to make it dim for either of them.
He heard a soft "OK" as he lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss got hungrier as she responded. He let go of her face and pulled at the towel, only to find it longer than he thought. It was wrapped around her twice. She moved closer as his arms wrapped around her. They felt good as they closed around her waist, pulling her in against him.
Nikita pulled back as she felt his body suddenly sag and then a tremour as he tried to stand up straight again. He leaned his forehead against hers, it was damp and he felt suddenly cold to her He began to feel heavier, almost as if she was holding up his weight. "Michael?" Even from this close she could see that there was no color in his face.
It took him a moment or two to answer her. The tension he had felt had kept him going. Now without it, he found it hard to keep his head clear and his body from dropping to the floor. The throbbing in his head had seemed gone. Now it was back with a vengeance. He needed her strength for now till he could regain some of his own. "Dizzy, cold, numb."
"Come on," she said as she slipped an arm around his waist as he put his other one around her shoulders. "You're going back to bed." She got him over to her bed. Carefully she lowered him to the side and waited as some color came back into his face again. "Does Christine know what's going on?"
"Yes, she said I should be in bed."
"Stay there for a minute. Don't move." She grabbed a shirt from the end of the bed and shrugged it on after she dropped off the towel. Michael watched her even though his head felt like it was getting hit with a jackhammer. He wanted to close his eyes in hopes that it would let up but he couldn't stop watching her. *She's like a drug...I keep going back for more...like I'm addicted.* After she had covered up, she helped him swing his legs into bed so he could recline against the pillow and headboard. He leaned back, swallowing hard and wincing at the same time. Pulling the afghan from the foot of the bed up over him, she gave him another kiss. "Now rest. You need to gain your strength back, not will it back."
He nodded as he closed his eyes. Then felt her move away. He had expected her to sit on the bed. Snapping his eyes open, he reached for her hand, "Where are you going?"
"To brush my hair. It gets much drier, I'll have to wet it down again. Don't worry. I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you. Or either of the kids."
"Bring your brush here."
"What? Just rest. I'll be right over there." She pointed to the dresser.
He rubbed the side of his head as he repeated himself. "Bring your brush here, I want to do it."
With a puzzled expression she got the brush and handed it to him. He flipped back the afghan and moved a leg, pointing to the space he made. With some maneuvering, they ended up in a position similar to the one in which they had watched Reese sleep.
With the first few strokes, she felt herself relax and enjoy it. "Feels good." A smile spread across her face as she laid a cheek against his upraised knee. "I love you."
"Love you too," he replied softly with the same smile on his face. The hammering in his head was growing fainter and he felt comfortable. He had fixed the present, now for the future.
End of Part 3
continue on to Promises to Keep, Part 4
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