OprahShow

Jonathan and Jordan Knight

Jonathan's Story

On the outside, New Kids On The Block star Jonathan Knight appeared to have it all. On the inside, he was struggling to hold himself together. Here, he shares how panic attacks have controlled his life

Big Stardom, Big Problems
"The whole New Kids thing was crazy. The more it grew, the more I felt like I was trapped. I always had this feeling inside me of being nervous and afraid of situations."

How Does a Panic Attack Feel?
"You get shaky. Your heart starts pounding. You get dry mouth . [It's like] when somebody jumps out at you and screams, adrenaline goes through your body."

Leave The New Kids
At age 23, Jonthan left the band. He moved to a farm in the country and became a recluse. "We were in Spain and it just really hit me: This situation is causing me so much stress and so much anxiety. I don't want to be here. I want to be home. From 1994 to 1997, I did nothing. I slept and slept and slept. If I was awake, I had to deal with things. To avoid that, I would stay in bed."

Reaching Out For Help
"A lot of times, you feel ashamed. You go through the whole thing of 'I'm weird, I'm strange.' It makes your whole self shrink down even more, and that makes it worse. It wasn't until 1997 that I realized, 'Something is wrong here. I have to go talk to a doctor."

Jordans Story
Jonathan wasn't alone with his anxiety problems. Jordan, his younger brother and lead singer for New Kids on the Block, battled anxiety that almost ended his singing career.

Under Pressure
"There was a lot of criticism over whether we were talented. I had to prove to people that we were really good."

Performance Anxiety
"During performance, I wanted to run and get out. My heart would be pounding, my voice would tremble...sometimes it was hard to breathe."

Peace Through Meditation
"I bought books about how to get over anxiety. Some of the tips were to go into a meditative state to face your fears. Doing [meditation] daily puts you in the moment. The best thing to do is to try to be in the moment, to breathe, to take it all in. I wasn't able to do that before.

A Family Affair
"I recently learned that my father had panic attacks. I never knew that. It was through me talking to him about it that I found out in runs in the family."

Jordan continues to deal with anxiety, but he has developed the confidence to pursue a rewarding solo career.