conanquotes

"That's a whole new KIND of dumb." - Conan

"I'm an ass." - Conan

"Early, crap. Late, good. That's our motto here at Late Night." - Conan

"Keep it cool babies. It's only a talk show." - Conan

"I was almost just murdered." - Conan

"You catch your child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do." - Conan

"I'm the master of the ZING ZANG ZOOM!" - Conan

"My ass is going to be deep-fried. With 7 herbs and spices." - Conan

"Well I guess that we all learned a lesson today. That it's what's inside a person that counts. And that on the inside, midgets are theiving little bastards." - Conan

"I'm going to say "gay orangutans" three more times tonight. That's my promise." - Conan

"Is this another dream you had?" - Conan

"We don't give out money. We depress and we alienate. That's what we do, and we do it well." - Conan

"Jay says, "Stay tuned for Conan," and then Conan comes crashing through your TV set like a freight train bringing the funny." - Conan

"When life gives you lemons, uh, make some fruity juice." - Conan

"If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk." - Conan

"All I ever wanted was a Barbie Dream House...a place that I could call my own, for me to share my joys and dreams with Barbie. That's when I heard it - those four words that would haunt me for the rest of my days: IT'S NOT FOR BOYS." - Conan

"I would be suspicious of someone like me." - Conan

"Have you ever had fruity pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!" - Conan

"Most people think we tape this show at 12:30. At 12:30, I'm at home watching porno." - Conan

~From the Conalogue~

"An imposter has been pretending to be one of the Hanson brothers over the internet. He has already been propositioned several times by someone pretending not to be Michael Jackson." - Conan

It's been reported that the same chemical that makes disposable diapers work may help put out forest fires. Which is really good news for Florida, because most of its residents already wear diapers." - Conan

"Yesterday in Queens, a priest was arrested on charges of cocaine possession. People got suspicious after his seven-hour sermon entitled, "Why I am So Cool.'" - Conan

"The post office is coming out with a series of stamps commemorating memorable moments from the 1960s. The stamps include the first man on the moon, Vietnam, and President Clinton smoking a bong in his dorm room." - Conan

"A man in Florida is suing a stripper, claiming he got whiplash when her 42DDD breasts hit him in the head. He wants either $100,000 or for her to do it again." - Conan

"A New Jersey man was arrested for smuggling 1,800 Beaniee Babies. The disturbing part is that authorities found the Beanie Babies during a cavity search." -Conan

"Nabisco, the makers of the Oreo cookie, is announcing that they're cutting over 3,000 jobs. It is all part of their new quota system where they'll have two black employees for every creamy white employee." - Conan

"For the past two days millions of beepers have been out of service because a satellite broke down, All across the nation, this has raised havoc for doctors, especially ones that sell crack." - Conan

~From 'The More You Know' Public Service Announcements~

"You're involved with a special person, but you find yourself attracted to someone else. You can't have both, right? Wrong! Do one in your limo and the other in your luxurious apartment downtown. It works for me!"
- Conan

"You're all grown up, you can't read, and you're keeping it a secret. Well, good, 'cause I don't wanna hear about it!" - Max

"You're injured at home and you need emergency medical help fast. How quickly can paramedics get to you? Well there's only one way to find out. Call 911 and report an emergency, then time how long it takes them to respond. When they do arrive, make sure you hide outside, or in a closet. They'll be pretty mad,. but at least you'll have gotten what you need: peace of mind." - Conan

"It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the Earth a sad, lonely, redheaded freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there." - Conan

"It's Saturday night? Your friends are all out? You've got a case of the nothing-to-do blues. Well here's an idea. Why don't you call the police and tell them your neighbor is shooting people. Within a few minutes you'll have a front row seat to the most exciting show in town!" - Andy

"Late night at the office, you wish your wife or girlfriend was there but she's not. Well just remember, when you're boffing the cleaning lady instead, watch out for the security camera, you'll be glad you did." - Max

"Hey, sometimes condoms break. Deal with it missy!"- Max

"So your parents are getting divorced. It's tough, I know, but it's important to understand that it's not your fault. You never cried, you never made demands, you never complained when they asked you to clean your room. Did you? Cause if you did...my God, what have you done?" - Conan

"Just cause all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to. Despite what everyone says, it's OK not to do it. In fact, I didn't have sex until I was 32 years old...can we not do this one?" - Conan

"The next time you get your kids in the car turn off the radio and tune into them.I think you just might find that your kids are boring as hell. They got nothing to say. I mean, they're kids! Then turn that radio back on, pump up the volume, and know that you're not missing a damn thing." - Conan

"The next time you and your wife are about to have a fight, stop for a second, take a deep breath, and look into each other's eyes. Take her hands in yours - that'll keep her from scratching you while you kick her in the shins." - Andy

"Having trouble in school? All those classes making your head spin? Well maybe you're just not very smart. Why not drop out and try interstate trucking? Because right now you're just embarrassing yourself." - Andy

~From 'In The Year 2000'~

"Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis."

"Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the most accurate phrase, 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'"

"Penguins will being having senior proms, but will surprisingly still rent tuxes."

"Television shows will become so hilarious that people will stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings."

"A desperate, sex-starved Monica lewinsky will be spotted licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore."

"Dr. Jack Kevorkian will die and go to heaven. The next day seven angels will be found dead in the back of God's van."

"Man will devolve back into apes, while apes will evolve into man. Women will not be affected."

"Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way."

"The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote, 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'"

"In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonald's will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace, Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets."

"The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice."

"With every conceivable name being exhausted, all hurricanes will be called, 'That Filthy Wet Son of a Bitch."

"Bob Dole will resign the presidency, after recording his hit single, 'That Bitch One Nasty Ho.'"

"The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with the lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action."

"Pornography finally gets accepted into the mainstream when the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Long Dong Hanks."

"After millions of years of stability the food chain will suddenly reverse. Zebras will hunt down lions, Pop Tarts will hunt down man."