It's 12:10 am on August 23, 2004. I should really be going to sleep soon because I haev work tomorrow and if I actually go to sleep now, as opposed to two hours from now, for one of the first times in my TD/Canada Trust working life I might actuallynot be tired for work. That's a thought --- then again, being tired might make for a slightly more sensorally numbed experience, less anxious about the superficial day-to-day events that occur in and around the teller wickets, and more down to earth for the importance of the existence I have while at work.
Teitur's in the backtground and it's good shit. He has a pretty lackadaisical style about him that I find strangely intriguing. To be lackadaisical... to be really, REALLY apathetic. That's sort of cool --- not in a clinically depressed, I don't care to get out of bed and take a shit and wash my hair sort of way, but in a totally not caring about what others think about you sort of way. There's something strangely fond about those who don't care about what others think about them, I think. It's so rare, maybe especially for this age? No... for every age. People are constantly afraid of what others are thinking about them, and it makes me so sad to see older people act that way because it seems to sap me of the hope that I might ever truly not care. Then again, for the most part, I don't really give a shit --- much of a shit, anyway --- about what others think of me. I'm confident enough that I'm a pretty good looking young guy, confident that I've got the brains to get me out of too tight a situation, and convinced enough by those trite little anachronisms like, "Life goes on!" and "The heart is young!" that there are silver linings on all sorts of immaterial things. Knowing that I guess it just makes me know I'm approved and not worry that I'm not. Perhaps that's not truly NOT worrying about what people think of you then? I don't know... maybe I've got to reassess things? Who knows...
I'm getting this sudden urge to update this website and I'm conflicted towards whether I should just be forgetting about it and getting that sleep I so badly needed, or doing something to edit it.
I edited it. 12:36. Arrghh...
I'm starting medical school in a few days and it all seems rather cool. I don't know if I should be overtly excited about things or not though... cuz' I'm not. Not that I'm NOT excited about it, but I'm not really sure what to think. I ran into Jer the other day on the street at Cactus Festival and asked him (more out of a sense of medical school obligation or something... like I had some role to fulfil or something) if he was "excited," and he sort of shrugged his shoulders and passed it off. It was pretty cool to hear actually. I was glad to see that it wasn't only me... I don't know. Like, you bust your ass off to get there, and reading some of the other entries I've made in my online journal and the angst I'd feel when I got a bad mark or something is evidence of how much I'd freak when my marks dropped below cutoffs on a test or something. SO, I made it through and everything, but it all just feels so anticlimatic right now! I just look at some other people and the things they're doing, and they are so unguided --- everything is so uncertain for them. But in some ways, I wonder if that feeling of ucnertainty is kind of cool and is exposing them to an understanding of what they want to pursue for the rest of their lives that's DEEPER than anything I could feel? I've always known I've wanted to become a doctor... well, "known," as much as I feel I can understand that word. But now that I'm GOING to become a doctor, well... that's just it! I'm starting to question whether my understanding of the word "know" is as deep as it should be, or if I'm missing something and never really "knew" nor gave myself the chance to "know?" I guess I just want to feel like this is my purpose and love what I'm doing. I feel proud of what I'm doing, for not only are the reasons that this is a noble profession obvious to me everyday, but it gets approval out the wazoo by every man, woman, hot status-conscious girl, and old indian parent I see. But I just hope that this makes me feel passionate as well --- I want this to work out. I think it will, but I'm worried a bit because I also feel like I'm at a point of no return. I'm here now ... and if by chance I don't end up enjoying it, I'm kind of screwed.
I'm feeling better about the ex-GF these days, too. I don't want to quote her name because I don't want to seem like I'm slandering her or something stupid like that. After I was finished at the gym today I layed down on the grass in front of Mac (the gym closed, I was as hard-up to find a place to lie down as a homeless man... only I was looking for flat ground to perform Ab crunches). Anyway, as I'm sitting on the grass, feeling oh-so-connected with nature and faking bicycle movements through the air in a flailing attempt to work my lower 4/6 of my stomach, I was thinking about what I did wrong, what she did wrong, and going through the whole fucking he-said/she-said scenario. It was rather stupid ... I've told myself I shouldn't do it because it doesn't lead anywhere, but I did it anyway for the first time in a long while today, and it was a bit of a pissoff. Didn't land me in the happiest mood really... You know? That whole little exercise only reemphasized in my mind how confused women are. Not to offend all you lady-folk, because there are notable exceptions, but most girls have so many other agendas in their heads. Guys are so straight up it's not even funny. They say what they mean, and when they're feeling especially tight-lipped and covert, well they're not terribly hard to see right through anyway. There's no secrets in a man ... he'll let you know exactly what he's thinking when he's thinking it. Girls? Even when they try to be straight up, they don't even know what they're thinking. So they basically end up living a big ol' fib to themselves and others. Not necessarily blameworthy I guess, but it's a damn pissoff, that's for sure. I felt like my little grassy exercise was going to elucidate some areas that I could chagne as a person, but there was so much inconsistency in my mental rehash that I just got all confused again. Ahh, the difficulties of love and relationships. Love hurts. Pain in the butt bugger of a thing, really. And yet I know I'm just going to get into something again soon. Looking forward to that I think, actually. Not the idea of necessarily dating again --- there's not much I feel I miss right now. Just the idea of not thinking I'm not missing anything, I suppose. Ahhh... too confusing. I might just land into something for the hell of it and see where it takes me. Maybe I won't throw caution to the wind and be brighter and smarter the next time around? lol... yeah right. Experiences, piled upon experiences!
It's getting late, and IKEA shopping and lofty plans are yet to be made for tomorrow. Must go. Glad to see that my thoughts are now online again though. I wonder who will stumble upon this drivel and call me on it! Time will tell…