E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: G
Summary: The key thing is to *listen*�
Category: Daniel&Janet, mostly Daniel POV, Songfic
Spoilers: Minor `Forever in a Day'
Season/Sequel: Post-FiaD
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: "All publicly recognisable characters and places are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions.
Lyrics contained within this piece of fiction are the property
of `Train'. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment
not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks
was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this
story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons,
living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. "
Author's Notes: I was listening to my `Train' CD about, oh,
about a
year ago, and this song just struck me. Many moons later, I actually
get around to doing something about it ;)
Feedback: Pleeeease? I'll be your friend? ;)
*~*~*
#####
I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why,
Everything's gotta change, around me
I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way,
And I'd say it on the phone, if I thought you were alone,
Why do things have to change?
#####
It's dark in my lab, as I sit quietly, half-concentrating on the
book
in front of me. No, that's a lie�not even half-concentrating.
I
haven't been able to concentrate properly for a while now. How
else
could I explain the fact that that I'm alone in a shadowy room at
one
o'clock in the morning and I haven't been home for days?
Looking up,
my gaze is drawn to the telephone hanging invitingly by the door.
I should call her.
Sighing, I close the heavy volume, whatever it is, and turn to look
at the picture resting on the corner of my desk. The one I've
been
looking at again, more and more frequently lately. The photograph of
Sha're.
The memory is less painful now, even as it comes creeping back to me,
ashamed at having been away for so long. The day of our wedding under
the hot desert sky, the party that Kasuf threw for us later under
beams draped with the richest cloths his position afforded him. Me,
eagerly taking out my camera, desperate not to lose a single moment
of that night and snapping a photograph, right before I remembered I
had no way of developing it. At least they were impressed by the
flash. My lips curl into a smile at the memory. We were happy. And
then, everything changed.
I don't know when I first began to notice her differently. I had
been
so absorbed in my quest to find Sha're that I had no time for
anything else at first, for anyone else, particularly not another
woman. We met, one day, when I was in the infirmary getting one
injection or another, and we chatted amiably enough, and I went on my
merry way without a second thought. As far as I was concerned, she
was just another doctor - another face to frown at when I was hauled
into for a physical, or to apologise to when I was back in for my
third time in a week to get a random, easily-avoidable injury patched
up and attended to. I didn't think any more about it, and it
stayed
that way for years. Even when Sha're died, I kept her at a
distance -
we were friends, but I'd never really have thought of us as
close.
She was still my doctor, I was still the slightly annoying (but
endearingly cute, right?) man who wouldn't give her a
moment's peace
and quiet to get anything constructive done. Even when my visits to
the infirmary grew more frequent, even when I sought her out to talk
to, I still believed nothing had changed.
Until recently, that is.
I should probably call her�
�but she might not be there, or Cassie might pick up the phone,
and
then what would I say? Or worse, someone else might be there, and
*that* would be unbearable�
�I won't call. I can't. Not after today.
#####
You don't need my pictures on your wall,
You say you need no one,
And you don't need my secret midnight call,
I guess you need no one.
#####
I don't really know what I thought I was doing. I had just been
spending so much time in the infirmary recently that it seemed the
most natural thing to do - wander down to her level, drop by,
say `hi.' That's all I had any intention of doing. Really.
I cringe now, remembering.
*~*~*
She was sitting in her office, bent over her desk, working furiously
through some paperwork when I found her. Knocking lightly on the
door, I waited until she looked up at me and smiled. "Hi!"
"What have you done to yourself now?"
Thrown by her question and her openly amused expression, I stepped
back a little. "Ummm�nothing. I�umm�nothing." A
curiously raised
eyebrow only added to my confusion. "I just�uh�thought
I'd come down
and�and see how you were."
"Me?" she asked. "I'm fine." Indicating the pile
of folders in front
of her, "Busy."
"Sorry." I mumbled, turning to go, flustered and a little
embarrassed, though I didn't know why. She stopped me with a
laugh,
calling, "I didn't mean to shoo you! Come back a minute!"
Now
completely off-balance, I followed her instructions blankly, coming
to rest in front of her desk.
"Sit down!"
I sat, painfully aware that I must look like a complete idiot, trying
desperately to get back on track. She was grinning now. I'd never
been this disorganised around her before and I suddenly felt as if I
were on show, or under examination.
Maybe I was ill?
"So, what's up?" She smiled.
"Hmmm?" I asked. What was up? Why was I even here? "Oh,
nothing.
Nothing really." Her eyes were on her desk now, and she was idly
twirling her pen in her fingers. After I few long, silent moments, I
realised I had to say something. Something to justify my being here,
to make me feel less idiotic, sitting here. Anything would do.
"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" *Anything*, except that.
I'd had no intention of�of asking her out, which I suppose
was
exactly what I was doing. In my awkward, muddled state it just
slipped out, unconsciously, and as soon as it did, everything
changed. That's when I realised why I'd started to spend more
and
more time looking for excuses to come down to the infirmary, why I
felt I could tell her little things, lying in a medical cot, that I
wouldn't dream of admitting to Jack or Sam or Teal'c, why I
had come
here this afternoon.
I was attracted to her. All those years of having her as my doctor,
as my friend, I hadn't noticed myself gradually slip into
something
deeper, feelings that had bypassed friendship completely now and had
left me here, tangled and confused. I had�had I fallen for her?
She
sighed, and I found my gaze drawn to full lips that I'd never
really
noticed before, watching as heavy strands of dark auburn hair curled
around her neck and shoulders as she tilted her head and rubbed her
shoulders. Yes.
"Nothing," she yawned in answer. "Probably just finishing
this." Her
gesture took in the work covering her desk. Now that I had begun, I
realised I desperately wanted to see this thing through, and I had
already opened my mouth to issue an invitation to dinner when her
next words stopped me short.
"Not that I mind," she continued, suddenly bright.
"It's the first
night in a while I've had the time to sit down and get round to
all
this! My suddenly hectic social life has been preventing it,
recently. I've been `out on the town' almost every night
this week,
with one thing or another." And with just a hint of
innuendo, "Distractions, eh? Who needs them?" She laughed a
little. "I'll be glad just to get this finished and go home
to bed!"
Looking up at me for the first time, I knew she was expecting an
answer from me, but I was unable form any sort of coherent reply. I
couldn't work out if I'd misinterpreted what she meant, but
it was
suddenly obvious to me that any offer I'd had would be misguided
at
best. "Oh," I managed to reply.
She looked at me in surprise for a moment, and then the real
invitation behind my casual enquiry seemed to dawn on her and I saw
the growing expression of horror on her face as she realised my
purpose in coming here. "Oh�!" she started, but I was
already out of
my chair, feeling my face begin to flush.
"Listen, I'd better go, let you get on with it -"
"Daniel -"
"No, no, it's fine�I'll�I'll see you later.
Good luck with the�" I
made some pointless gesture in the general direction of the tabletop.
She was still making some sounds of protest, had half-risen from her
own seat, but I didn't look up at her. I couldn't bear to see
the
look in her eyes. Mortification? Anguish? Or - god-forbid � pity.
Keeping my gaze directed at the floor, I shook my head wretchedly and
escaped from the office, leaving her frozen behind her desk. As I
stumbled out of the infirmary, caught up in my own cloud of
humiliation, I could have sworn I heard her voice, softly, dejectedly:
"Damn."
*~*~*
#####
Is anybody waiting at home for you?
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if
there's
Anybody waiting at home for you?
Cause it's time that will tell this tale
######
Which is why I'm sitting here, in the dark, wondering how I'm
ever
going to face her in the morning. The idea of having to visit the
infirmary, trying to pretend that nothing happened and that
nothing's
changed, to act like I'm not buckling under the dead-weight of my
own
embarrassment makes me feel sick to my stomach even now.
And yet�
My eyes drift irrevocably back towards to telephone.
And yet I still desperately want to call her, just to talk to her,
apologise, explain myself, ask if I made a mistake, if there's
someone else, or if I misconstrued her words earlier - a hundred
things I need to say. I'm already across the room and reaching
for
the phone before my senses kick in and I stop myself. I should call,
but I can't.
I can't.
#####
You're in and out, up and down,
Wonder if you're lost or found,
But I got my hands on you,
Are you strong enough to tow the line,
Are you gonna make me yours,
Or do I make you mine?
I'm in and out I'm up and down,
Wonder if I'm lost or found,
But I need your hands on me now,
But you don't need my pictures on your wall,
You say you need no one,
And you don't need my secret midnight call,
I guess you need no one.
Is anybody waiting at home for you?
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's,
Anybody waiting at home for you,
Cause it's time that will tell this tale.
#####
The night air slips coolly in, soothing my flushed cheeks as I open
the front door, my hands wrapped tightly around a hot cup of coffee.
For a few minutes I stand motionless, speechless, torn between
awkward shyness and sheer relief as I gaze at the apparition on my
doorstep. I say nothing, too afraid that I'll say something again
to
shatter the tentative understanding between us. I move back into the
warm shadows of the hallway, an unspoken invitation, and Daniel steps
hesitantly inside, closing the door gently behind him.
"I was going to call," he says quietly, "but in the end,
I thought
maybe this was better. Are you busy?"
####
I hopelessly,
(Is anybody waiting at home,)
helplessly,
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven, if its hell)
wonder why,
Is anybody waiting at home)
Everything's gotta change...
####
****
Finis
****
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