The Clown

The Clown (part II)

RIGOLETTO RUNS DOWN FROM THE LIGHTING BOX GETS UP ON THE CHAIR AND CUTS HER DOWN. LUCY GETS UP ON THE FALSE-STAGE TOO AND HELPS HIM. TOGETHER THEY CARRY THE UNCONSCIOUS GRETA BACK INTO THE DRESSING ROOM. THE RECORDING OF LA TRAVIATA SHOULD INCLUDE APPLAUSE AT THE END WHICH SHOULD BE LEFT PLAYING. LUCY SLAPS GRETA’S FACE WHILE RIGOLETTO USES THE BOTTLE OF WHISKY LIKE SMELLING SALTS TO TRY AND REVIVE HER. GRETA STARTS TO COME AROUND. SHE GROANS BUT THEN COLLAPSES UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN. LUCY & RIGOLETTO STARE AT THE ALMOST EMPTY BOTTLE OF WHISKY)

LUCY: Shit

What are we going to do?

(RIGOLETTO EXPLAINS, THROUGH MIME AND OTHER SIGNS, THAT LUCY SHOULD PLAY THE PART . HE GIVES HER THE MAKE-UP)

LUCY: Me?

Come off it Riggi

you’ve gotta be joking

they sacked me

remember

I wasn’t good enough

Why should I be good enough now?

( RIGOLETTO LOOKS OUT AT THE AUDIENCE ACROSS THE FALSE-STAGE

FX: RESTLESS AUDIENCE

HE TURNS TO LUCY AND CLASPS HIS HANDS IN PRAYER.)

LUCY: They’ll have to pay me double

(RIGOLETTO NODS)

triple

RIGOLETTO GRIMACES HELPLESSLY. LUCY LAUGHS. SHE GOES TO THE COUCH AND FEELS UNDER THE CUSHIONS. SHE PULLS OUT ANOTHER FULL BOTTLE OF WHISKY. SHE LAUGHS AND OPENS THE BOTTLE.

RIGOLETTO RUSHES OUT ONTO THE FALSE-STAGE. WE SEE HIS SILHOUETTE AND WATCH HIS GROTESQUE STRUGGLE TO TRY AND CONVEY WHAT IS HAPPENING. DESPITE HIS HANDICAP HE MUST CONVINCE THE AUDIENCE TO STAY SEATED: THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

IN ORDER TO SATISFY THE AUDIENCE HE DECIDES TO PUT ON SOME MUSIC AND CHOOSES THE OPERA THAT BEARS HIS NAME "RIGOLETTO". HE PUTS ON THE OVERTURE WHILE MAKING MELODRAMATIC GESTURES OF TRAGEDY AND ABSOLUTE SUFFERING. THE LIGHTS MIRACULOUSLY FADE UP AND DOWN AND FLASH ON AND OFF ENHANCING THE TRAGIC MOOD.

LUCY PUTS A BLANKET OVER GRETA AND THEN DRAGS THE SCREEN OVER TO HIDE THE UNCONSCIOUS ACTRESS FROM VIEW. SHE BLOWS GRETA A KISS AS IF SAYING GOODNIGHT TO A CHILD.

SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT)

LUCY: So here’s your big break Luce

(RIGOLETTO TAKES OFF THE RECORD AND COMES BACK, MAKING FRANTIC GESTURES FOR LUCY TO GET READY MORE QUICKLY; THAT THE AUDIENCE ARE WAITING; THAT THEY SHOULD START)

What are you talking about?

We can't start

the record's not on anymore

Verdi

You have to put your Verdi back on

We have to start with Verdi

(RIGOLETTO NODS FRANTICALLY. HE WINDS UP THE GRAMOPHONE)

and I have to get changed

(SHE LOOKS AROUND THE SET, LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO PUT HER COAT)

Where's the wardrobe?

(SHE LOOKS AROUND AND THEN FINALLY THROWS HER COAT ON THE SOFA. AS SHE DOES SHE NOTICES THE SQUASHED FLOWERS THAT SHE HAD GIVEN GRETA AT THE BEGINNING. SHE THROWS THESE IN A WASTE-PAPER BASKET)

( RIGOLETTO PUTS THE OVERTURE OF "RIGOLETTO" BACK ON. LUCY GOES TO THE DRESSING TABLE AND PAINTS A WHITE FACE. SHE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND SMOKES FOR A WHILE BEFORE STUBBING IT OUT IN AN ASHTRAY ON THE DRESSER. RIGOLETTO RUSHES OUT PAST THE FALSE-STAGE TO TAKE UP HIS POSITION IN THE FALSE-LIGHTING-BOX. WHEN THE OVERTURE FINISHES SHE TURNS TO THE REAL-AUDIENCE, GRINS AND GIGGLES, CHANTING THE MELODY OF THE HORNS AS IF IN AN ECHO OF WHAT WE HAVE JUST HEARD)

Da-da-da-da-da-da

Ladies and Gentlemen

Da-da-da-da-da-da

The Clown

(THEN THE STRINGS)

Nee-nee-nee-nee

Nee-nee-nee

by P. Nikdaski

(SHE GIGGLES AGAIN, JUMPS UP AND TAKES THE POSE OF A CIRCUS MC)

The Clown

(PAUSE. HOLDING HER HEAD)

Shit

(SHE GOES THROUGH SOME WARM UP EXERCISES: SHAKES HER HANDS, LOOSENS HER NECK AND SHOULDERS, SLAPS HER FACE, TAKES DEEP BREATHS AND THEN A BIG MOUTHFUL OF SCOTCH)

Hang on a tic

(PAUSE)

all right

(SHE COMPOSES HERSELF)

Nikdaski's

The Clown

(BECOMES SERIOUS)

The setting:

A late evening in the future

She sits

I sit

in my office

at my desk

the clown’s desk

A designer

of fashion

one late evening

in the future

On the desk

the scissors

the drawings

(THINKING ABOUT HER LINES: SHE DELIVERS THE MONOLOGUE AS IF SHE IS PRACTISING LEARNING HER LINES)

When the circus came to the 21st cen... century, it was the clown who captured my attention the most because...’cause on that particular occasion the clown was ridic... conspicuous by his absence which for a child is abysmally depressing given that this child which was myself was really only interested in the clowns at the circus and the animal-acts while also inter... interesting were not nearly so sat... satisfying and the acrobats left me completely cold being I su... supposed something for the adults as the adults were particularly enthusiastic about everything the acrobats did

(PAUSE)

But the real tragedy was that the circus had never ever been to the 21st cen... century

although the 21st century is a circus

without clowns

although

you could also say it was a circus

full of clowns

(PAUSE)

It's

(SHE POKES HER HEAD THROUGH THE CURTAIN AND SHOUTS TO RIGOLETTO IN THE FALSE LIGHTING-BOX)

Hey Riggi

(WHISTLES AND POINTS TO THE GRAMOPHONE)

Fucking Verdi

(LAUGHS)

(SHE LOOKS BACK AT THE REAL-AUDIENCE AND SIGHS.

NERVOUS PAUSE

SHE PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS DOWN, PULLING THE BOTTLE OF WHISKY OVER AND DRINKING STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE)

The opera was all her idea

All this Verdi

(IMITATING GRETA’S VOICE)

“We have to put some Trovatore on before we can begin”

all her idea

and then

“sing an aria

an aria from the Nabucco

from the first act of the Nabucco”

even though there was nothing about Verdi or about Nabucco in the original script

Nikdaski’s got nothing to do with Verdi

nothing

not a sausage

(SHE GETS UP AGAIN, GOES TO THE GRAMOPHONE AND FLICKS THROUGH THE RECORDS)

It was all her idea

(SHE HOLDS UP ONE OF THE OPERA RECORD BOXES)

all opera

(DRINKS)

You can’t expect me to do this cold can you?

No actress would do it cold

You can’t do Nikdaski cold

you need to warm up

Ask Nikdaski

Or ask her

(SHE POINTS TO THE SCREEN MASKING GRETA)

Nikdaski's expert

His fucking favourite

she knows

Although she would also say that you can’t do Nikdaski without Verdi

(SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY AND CONTINUES FLICKING THROUGH THE RECORDS. SHE PULLS UP THE CHAIR NEXT TO THE GRAMOPHONE AND THEN SITS LOOKING ANGRY, TWIDDLING HER THUMBS. SUDDENLY SHE HAS AN IDEA. SHE GETS UP AND STARTS TO RUMMAGE THROUGH THE CUSHIONS ON THE SOFA, FEELING DOWN THE SIDES UNTIL SHE FINDS A LITTLE PLASTIC BAG WITH DOPE IN IT. SHE HOLDS IT UP VICTORIOUSLY AND THEN CLUTCHES IT TO HER BREAST. SHE GOES BACK TO THE CHAIR, TAKES OUT SOME PAPERS AND STARTS TO ROLL HERSELF A JOINT.)

All opera

(TO THE AUDIENCE)

Smoke?

(LAUGHS)

That would be too much

That would be stretching the legal limit a bit too far

don’t you think?

but if you don’t say anything I won't

(GIGGLES. SHE LIGHTS THE JOINT AND TAKES A TOKE.)

I can't smoke this on my own

(PAUSE. SHE GETS UP AND LOOKS OUT OVER THE FALSE-STAGE TO RIGOLETTO)

Riggi

Come here will yer

(RIGOLETTO COMES RUNNING DOWN)

He's an addict

poor thing

Look how he's hangin’ out for it

Can't wait

(LAUGHS. TO THE AUDIENCE)

Sharing a smoke with you lot would be a bit dangerous

no?

But in here

back stage

with my Riggi

who’s to know if it’s real or not?

This is theatre

isn’t it?

(LAUGHS. SHE TAKES ANOTHER TOKE AND THEN PASSES THE JOINT TO RIGOLETTO WHO TAKES IT, SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE TO SMOKE IT.)

(IN A SOFT VOICE TO THE AUDIENCE: INDICATING RIGOLETTO)

The poor thing can't talk

Not since all that business with his daughter

It's been a terrible ordeal

(PAUSE. SHE STROKES RIGOLETTO'S HAIR)

Rigoletto

if you were in the real theatre you'd be obsolete

a computer could do your job for you

but as it is

here

you're irreplaceable

Dear Rigoletto

(TO AUDIENCE)

He used to be a great comic actor

in Italy

where they still laugh at you for being a friggin’ hunchback

But Rigoletto could turn everything on its head

He could laugh at the audience while the audience were laughing at him

or at least a part of the audience

the more enlightened part would laugh with him

laughing at the rest of the audience laughing at Rigoletto who were laughing while Rigoletto was laughing at them

People went either to laugh at him or with him

Those that were laughing at him never understood what the people laughing with him were laughing at

but that didn't stop anyone from enjoying the show any less

Riggi was a genius

(PAUSE AS SHE REFLECTS ON THE PAST WITH RIGOLETTO IN ITALY)

I've known him such a long time

first saw him in a Cabaret in Sienna

Couldn’t understand a word of what he said but he still seemed brilliant

Then after his wife died

that thing with his dear daughter

he loved them both so much

He lost his voice

poor thing

Too much tragedy for one life

Still

(TO RIGOLETTO)

you’re the bravest man I've ever met Riggi

who else could keep a job after all that you’ve been through

Poor Riggi

(SHE STROKES HIS HAIR)

Hey

don’t hog the joint

(SHE PULLS IT OFF HIM AND LAUGHS. SHE TAKES A LONG TOKE AND THEN PASSES IT BACK TO RIGOLETTO WHO IS NOW LOUNGING ON THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. SHE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO RUMMAGE THROUGH THE RECORD COLLECTION)

Verdi Verdi Verdi

all Verdi

except for this one

"Carmen"

If there's one opera I like it's "Carmen"

know it back to front

it's got a special significance for me

for us

Right Riggi

(SHE SMILES. RIGOLETTO SITS UP WHEN HE HEARS HIS NAME BUT HE HASN’T BEEN FOLLOWING THE CONVERSATION)

When we first started travelling together

first job he got was as an extra in "Carmen"

at the Zarzuela

in Madrid

a beggar in Seville

he was

and so he got me free tickets to see him

I didn't go to see the opera

I went to see our Riggi

(LAUGHS)

It was my first time at the opera

and I've only been a few times since

it's too expensive to go often

too expensive to go even sometimes

It's either rarely or never for most of us

and perhaps I'd like opera more if I went more

I went three or four times to see "Carmen"

and now I like it

So if I saw more opera I suppose it would be logical

it would be logical that I'd like it more

but as it is

"Carmen"

is the only one I can stomach

It brings back so many memories

those early days in our relationship

(PAUSE. SHE RECALLS A LOVELY, LONG FORGOTTEN MEMORY)

When I say

relationship

I'm not talking about Rigoletto

although he was there

I mean my relationship with

Will

because I met Will through Riggi

While Riggi was a beggar Will was a picador and a soldier in the same friggin' opera

"Carmen" was our beautiful beginning

The most beautiful time

isn't it?

the beginning I mean

While the end is always saddening

The end

of a relationship

(SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY TO HERSELF)

Like her and her Malcolm

Her dearest Malcolm

who she hates

She must hate him

she's always tortured him

Their relationship was one long torture

that's why he left her

And he hates her

He hates her because now he knows that she always hated him

because she always used him

and you don't use a person that you like

She had lovers you know

(PAUSE. RIGOLETTO'S FINISHED THE JOINT AND THE PLASTIC BAG IS EMPTY)

Well what are we going to do now then?

you bloody ding-dong

we've got to do something

until this bloody debacle sorts itself out

(LOOKING THROUGH THE RECORDS AGAIN/ GIGGLES)

Either Bizet or Verdi I'm afraid

we've got no other choice

(LAUGHS)

Her fault

In fact I don't know what Carmen's doing here at all amongst all this Verdi

all this "Joe Green"

(LAUGHS AND PUTS ON CARMEN)

( SHE PUTS ON THE FAMOUS CHORUS FROM CARMEN "Toreador, en garde!..." THEN QUICKLY TAKES IT OFF AGAIN, SHAKING HER HEAD AND LAUGHING)

not that bit

We don't want to listen to that again

(SHE LAUGHS)

Let's have something more romantic

or should I say "passionate"

"Carmen" is passion

like Will

(SHE LAUGHS)

My darling Will

(PAUSE. SARCASTICALLY)

Like Greta

"Passion"

(LAUGHS)

(SHE LINES THE RECORD PLAYER'S NEEDLE UP WITH THE TRACK SHE WANTS TO LISTEN TO, AND WHEN SHE'S SATISFIED SHE LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE AND SMILES COQUETTISHLY)

Ready

(SHE PLAYS ACT ONE: SCENE FOUR: HABANERA - CARMEN'S SONG WITH THE CHORUS.)

(TO RIGOLETTO:) Get up and dance yer ding-dong

SHE GRABS RIGOLETTO AND BEGINS TO DANCE DRUNKENLY AND SUGGESTIVELY WITH HIM ALONG WITH THE MUSIC:

"L'amour est un oiseau rebelle

Que nul ne peut apprivoiser,

Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle

S'il lui convient de refuser

Rien n'y fait; menace ou priere;

L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait:

Et c'est l'autre que je prefere,

Il n'a rien dit, mais il me plait.

(SHE SINGS ALONG)

L'amour, L'amour...

(DANCES)

L'amour est enfant de Boheme,

Il n'a jamais connu de loi;

Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime;

Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!...

(SHE SINGS ALONG)

Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime;

Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!..."

(AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING SHE TALKS OVER IT)

(NOSTALGICALLY. TO RIGOLETTO)

Oh Malcolm

where are you now

she would say

(GIGGLES)

(DANCES)

(SINGS)

"Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime

Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!

(GIGGLES. TO AUDIENCE IMITATING GRETA’S VOICE)

“Oh how I loved my Malcolm”

she would say

Always said the same

that there was no one that she loved more than her Malcolm

that Malcolm was her everything

the air she breathed

the ground on which she walked

but really

when it all boils down to it

to tell the truth

there was never anyone who was so shat upon as her dear Malcolm

Downtrodden

a wretch

Malcolm

Poor bastard

(SINGS)

"L'amour...L'amour..."

But really you know

the one she really wanted

that she's always been in love with

the one she's always been devoted to

even though she said she hated him her real passion was always wrapped up in him

why would she have spent fifteen years working with the bugger if she wasn’t?

I mean

her Nikdaski

it must have been her Nikdaski

Always has been

her Nikdaski

(GIGGLES & DANCES. SINGS)

Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime

Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi!"

(LAUGHS)

(BREATHLESSLY SHE TAKES OFF THE RECORD)

Carmen

Riggi

(SHE GIVES RIGOLETTO A HUG)

(PAUSE)

(SHE SITS DOWN AT THE DRESSING TABLE AND BEGINS TO PAINT ON THE REST OF THE CLOWN'S FACE)

Will was an extra

just an extra

he didn't sing

he can't sing

is a terrible singer

like I'm a terrible singer

and I've always hated singing

I mean I've always liked singing but I've always been told what a terrible singer I am and so I've always hated it when someone says sing

they're never satisfied at the end

And when you can't sing

even though you've bloody well told them that you can't sing

that you're tone fucking deaf

they never believe you at first

and they say

in this scene you've got to sing

so sing

And when they hear how friggin' awfully you do sing they shout at you and tell you that you're tone fucking deaf

which you always knew

but which is maddening to hear from someone else

especially when they say it as if they were the first to know

I hate that

Nikdaski's like that

insensitive bastard

He told me

at a party

that I was not really the right type for his plays because I can't sing

And he told me

that there was only really one actress who could really do Nikdaski

and that was

her

(PAUSE)

So it would have to make you wonder what you're doing here wouldn't it

(SHE LAUGHS)

No there really are so many bastards in the theatre world

there really are

It's full of cruel people

shit heads

Sorry for having to say such a thing but really that's what they are

shit heads

I hope you don't mind me saying it

and I'm not talking about all of them

there's some nice one's too

(SHE LAUGHS)

No seriously

there really are so many shit heads

who are right up themselves

But we go on

(MELO-DRAMATICALLY)

masochistically onward

(DRAMATIC PAUSE)

for your applause

(SHE BOWS)

And Nikdaski says

that at the end of his pieces he doesn’t want friggin’ applauses

that the actor should stay on stage until the audience feel the need

the impulse

to leave

without clapping

(PAUSE)

Nikdaski would even like to deny us our final clap

(PAUSE)

the fucking theatre

(PAUSE)

but I love it

can't imagine myself doing anything else

It's very satisfying when things go well

and

looking back

even when things go badly

And anyone who's had a life in the theatre is full of stories

because the life in the theatre

is so full

(PAUSE)

So full perhaps that it leaves many of us hollow

or perhaps it's just because hollow people are attracted by the fullness of the theatre

Hollow people

like her

who end up taking the same friggin’ option that she tried to take

(PAUSE)

But really

for me

theatre is a joy

with all its passion

Nikdaski's

The Clown

(LAUGHS)

(SHE LOOKS AT HER NOW PAINTED FACE IN THE MIRROR)

What ever happened to Nikdaski's The Clown ?

(PAUSE. SHE GOES TO HER COAT FOR HER CIGARETTES)

Being a stand-in

as you can imagine

nothing to be recommended

You learn something that you never do

never

not in front of an audience

and that’s depressing

But it's her that's tried to hang herself

not me

(LAUGHS. SHE PUTS A NORMAL CIGARETTE TO HER LIPS AND LIGHTS IT DRAWING BACK A LUNG FULL. EXHALES)

the ones who should be hanging ourselves

are the survivors

Success makes them empty

You’d have to be empty to be successful

in this dog-eat-dog life

Them

empty

with their heads full

full of themselves

and their Malcolms

(PAUSE)

until they hang themselves

(PAUSE)

She complains of her life with Nikdaski

who she loves

Whereas

as for me

what’ve I got to friggin’ winge about

at my age

I'm older than her

No I don't mind saying it

I don't mind if every body knows how old I am

but even at my age I'm quite happy to be a stand-in

to get some work

any work

I'm quite happy for whatever I can get

I'm not a no-body

had some big parts

I've worked all over the world not just here

not just here and at the Athénée

like her

I've been all over

Japan

New York

France

Berlin

Poland

Italy

Spain

I speak six languages

Of course I've been to the Athénée as well

and I like the Athénée

I've done both fringe and main stream

I've worked in London

did a two year season in London

on the West End

and now I'm happy enough

why not?

why should I complain?

I've got a job

I'm not starving

can even afford to get drunk

And I'm not ashamed to say that sometimes I like to get drunk

I'm not ashamed of it

(PAUSE. TAKES A LONG DRAG ON THE CIGARETTE)

What's wrong with life?

that's what I say

(PAUSE. EXHALES)

(SHE GOES BACK TO THE GRAMOPHONE)

“Carmen”

We used to play it all the time

I bought it for Will for his birthday

We used to sing along to it even though neither of us could sing

reminded us of Spain

(SHE PUTS ON ANOTHER RECORD: ACT 2 OF CARMEN

PAUSE: SHE STANDS BY THE GRAMOPHONE WAVING HER HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE AN ORCHESTRAL CONDUCTOR WHILE SHE LISTENS TO THE OPENING BARS OF THE ACT)

We loved Spain

Madrid

Barcelona

Valencia

I loved Valencia

the paella

We'd both go back any time if we could get the air fare together

back to Spain

dance pasodobles in Madrid

and tangos

We love to dance

If Will was here you'd be impressed by our tangos

and pasodobles

I could guarantee it

You'd be really impressed

(PAUSE: SHE LISTENS TO THE MUSIC AS BEFORE)

We were in Spain when Franco died

in the transition years

from Fascism to Democracy

What fucking life there was

there

then

what life

Spent the whole time eating

drinking

dancing

and singing

even though neither of us can sing

no one cared

not there

not then

life was beautiful

gay

exciting

and we got stoned on Moroccan hash

did we ever get stoned

You should have been there

You would have liked it

all of you

even those of you that don’t smoke

You would have loved it all

The food

The wine

The siestas

The Spanish sun

You would have loved it all

(PAUSE)

And Bizet was French

Blah!

(PAUSE: THE INTRODUCTION TO CHANSON NUMBER 11: AS THE FLUTE BEGINS SHE BECKONS THE AUDIENCE TO LISTEN)

The curtains up

We’re in Lilla Pastia’s tavern

(PAUSE: LISTENS SHE TRIES TO RECALL THE SCENE)

Drinking sangria

and eating Spanish omelette

of course

(SHE LAUGHS)

Rigoletto a Sevillian beggar

(SHE FORCES HIM TO ADOPT A POSE)

A group of soldiers are playing cards

There’s a Civil Guard at the bar with his three cornered hat

Their automatic machine guns remind us that we're in Europe

Watch out for the terrorists

(SHE LAUGHS)

Watch out for the bombs

Europe

Blah!

(GIGGLES)

(COQUETTISHLY TO SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE)

Pass me the olives big boy

(AS THE MUSIC INTENSIFIES SHE BECOMES POSSESSED BY IT AND BEGINS TO MAKE "FLAMENCO" GESTURES AND DANCE ALONG AS CARMEN SINGS:

"Lea tringles des sistres tintaient

Avec un eclat metallique

Et sur cette etrange musique

Lea zingarellas lea sevaient

Tambours de Basque allaient leur train

Et lea guitares lea forcenees

Gricaient sous des mains obstinees

Meme chanson

Meme refrain

Meme chanson

Meme refrain

Tra-la-la-la..

(SHE SINGS ALONG WHEN MERCEDES AND FRASQUITA JOIN CARMEN)

Tra-la-la-la...

"Lea anneaux de cuivre et d'argent

Reluisaient sur lea peaux bistrees

D'orange ou de rouge zebrees

Lea etoffes flottaient au vent

La danse au chant se mariait

D'abord indecise et timide

Plus vive ensuite et plus rapide

Cela montait

Montait

Tra-la-la-la...

(SHE SINGS ALONG)

Tra-la-la-la...

Lea Bohemiens a tour de bras

De leurs instruments faisaient rage

Et cet eblouissant tapage

Ensorcelait lea zingaras

Sous le rythme de la chanson

Ardentes folles enfievrees

Elles se laissaient enivrees

Emporter par la tourbillon

Tra-la-la-la...

(SHE SINGS ALONG)

Tra-la-la-la.... (AND DANCES WILDLY ALONG WITH RIGOLETTO)

(EXHAUSTED SHE TAKES THE RECORD OFF)

I’m not as young as I used to be

(GIGGLES)

(PAUSE: SHE GETS HER BREATH BACK BY LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE)

In those days we lead a wild gypsy life

We still do

We still lead a wild gypsy life

Will and I

but in those days more so

It was easier then

you just got the air fare together and you went

didn’t even bother to get a return ticket

the risk made it exciting

but now

now we’ve got Kafka

our son

who I insisted be called Kafka

Will thought it was stupid to call the kid such a name

and perhaps it was stupid

but I wanted to call him Kafka

I've always thought that if I ever had a son I would call him Kafka

just as if I’d had a daughter I would have called her Karenina

it’s got nothing to do with anything Kafka wrote

or because Kafka was a writer

and I've never even read Ana Karenina

but I would have called Kafka Karenina if he’d been a girl

It wouldn't have mattered what everybody else thought

Kafka or Karenina

nothing else would do

But we've had some funny looks

and some people have even said that it was cruel

and even I

yes I’ve got to admit it

even I’ve thought at times that perhaps I was being a bit pretentious

and I hate it when Will calls him Kaf

(PAUSE. SHE SMOKES)

Yet now that we’ve got Kafka

who’s still only a tot

I don’t know when we'll be able to travel again

and what with Will on the dole

supporting a child and a husband

Still

we’ve been unlucky before

and one day we’ll be worse off than we are now

but bad luck has always brought us good luck

it’s true

The worse off we are the better the chances of a windfall coming along

It’s a tried and proven philosophy

(PAUSE. SHE SMOKES)

Although

of course

she

(SHE POINTS AT THE SCREEN MASKING GRETA)

would not agree

She thinks she’s always been unlucky

which is true

she has always been unlucky

but she’s been unlucky because she makes everyone else’s life a misery with her complaining

because she wants it all

She wants all the attention

all the time

That’s what happened to her Malcolm

She expected oh so friggin’ much from him

and he gave so much

until he got sick of it

and left her

(PAUSE. SHE SMOKES)

And now she says she can’t understand it

She can’t understand why

even though she gave him nothing

not a sausage

(LAUGHS)

The bitch

(GIGGLES)

“Bitch”

it has resonance

here

in this bitchy world

with all our bitchiness

our bitching bitch-sessions

it’s so appropriate

(SHE GOES TO HER JACKET AND FISHES OUT A POCKET FLASK OF BRANDY. SHE DRINKS)

And do you know that when I told her that Nikdaski told me that he thought that I could never really play Nikdaski in the way that Nikdaski believed Nikdaski should be played

when I told her that

expecting some loyalty from a comrade-in-arms

but when I told her

she actually said that she agreed with Nikdaski

that of course she agreed with Nikdaski

that of course I couldn't sing and so therefore I could never have possibly played Nikdaski

because Nikdaski was music

and anyone who couldn't understand music couldn't understand Nikdaski

(PAUSE: SHE DRINKS)

Which made me feel great

(SHE DRINKS)

There’s nothing worse than being in a situation like I was

like I am

fully aware that you really don’t matter

There’s nothing worse than that

(SHE SMOKES)

I know for a fact that she's fucked Nikdaski

While she was married to Malcolm she fucked Nikdaski

Malcolm himself knew all about it

but that wasn’t the only reason why he left her

although it probably was

my theory

the reason for the

(WHISPERS)

you know what...

(LAUGHS)

you bitch

(GIGGLES)

we’re all bitches

Nikdaski’s a bitch

told everybody that I shouldn’t be doing his play

His friggin’ play

because I can’t sing

He blamed the director for casting me

but in the original script there was no singing at all

that came with the Verdi

with her

In the original script there was no Verdi

When I was given the job there was no Verdi

and no singing

but everyone seemed to forget that

and the director

the weak bastard

he was such a weak bastard that he never said anything

He also forgot

forgot to tell Nikdaski that originally I was perfect

originally I was ideal

until the singing came into it

(SHE DRINKS)

Yes

originally I was getting the part

until Nikdaski told the director that he was going to look for someone else

someone else to direct Nikdaski

that she

his Greta

was the only one who could do Nikdaski because

(SHE SMOKES)

because she was fucking Nikdaski

(DRINKS: LAUGHS)

The theatre

(SINGING: FROM "ANNIE GET YOUR GUN")

"There’s no business like show business

There’s no business I know"

(LAUGHS. SHE DRAWS THE CURTAIN HALF OPEN AND SHOUTS OUT TO THE FALSE-AUDIENCE)

Well I hope he’s suffering

wherever he is

I mean

(TO THE FALSE-AUDIENCE)

they’ve run off with your money

It’s a swindle

You won’t get a refund

What do you think about that then?

(GIGGLES. SHE DRINKS. SHE LETS THE CURTAIN FALL CLOSED AGAIN)

And whose fault is it?

(SHE SMOKES)

Is it her fault for having a fur coat?

Is it her fault that she worked on television?

in sit-coms

in commercials

is it her fault?

Is it her fault that she had to fall in love with Nikdaski?

that she had to

you know what?

Is it her fault that she had to write Giuseppe Verdi into the script of Nikdaski's Clown?

Is it her fault that I was sacked?

that Will's unemployed?

is it her fault?

Is it her fault that Nikdaski's corrupt?

that the world is not a better place than it was even though we thought it was getting better?

is the failure of Marxism her fault?

the globalisation of a ruthless capitalist economy

is that her fault?

Is it her fault that The Clown was never performed tonight?

of course it is

it’s all her fault

(LAUGHS: DRINKS)

No really

this whole business

this profession

reeks of pretensions

of foul pretensions

(SHE GOES BEHIND THE SCREEN WHERE GRETA IS STILL LYING. SHE PICKS UP THE FALSE NOOSE THAT GRETA USED)

Pretension

Obviously

(DEMONSTRATING HOW TO APPLY THE FALSE NOOSE)

These go over her shoulders

she put her arms through there

her neck through here

and

voila

So obvious

But her whole life has been faked

one big hoax on herself

the poor thing

You’ve got to feel sorry for her

she’s never ever really lived in a real way

I don’t think that she’s ever really known what reality really is

(DRINKS)

She’s an actress

a fucking actress

(SHE SMOKES)

"Fair is foul and foul is fair"

irresistible

Shakespeare’s curse

like a pox upon us all

(DRINKS)

Finish it now

why not finish it now?

we’ve already gone so long

so long

with all of this garbled nonsense

Nikdaski’s not coming

(SHE BANGS HER FIST ON THE WOODEN FRAME OF THE SCREEN)

(TO GRETA)

Did you hear that?

He’s not coming

You’ve been abandoned my dear

Left you as good as dead

(TO AUDIENCE)

She’s been listening to everything

(DRINKS)

She’s heard it all

(WHISPERS)

and she’s going to be pretty angry let me tell you

(SHE GOES TO THE GRAMOPHONE)

Music

give me music

(SHE WINDS UP THE GRAMOPHONE)

Bread and circuses

Let’s dance baby

(SHE PUTS ON A RECORD: THE FINAL DUET FROM CARMEN: "Tu ne m'aimes donc plus...

SHE PULLS RIGOLETTO OFF THE COUCH WHERE HE'S BEEN SLEEPING

AND TRIES TO DANCE WITH HIM UNTIL CARMEN SINGS "A quoi bon tout cela? Que de mots superflus!" WHEN SHE DROPS RIGOLETTO ON THE FLOOR)

Perhaps not

we can't dance to this

move yes

make gestures

but it’s nothing to be friggin’ well danced at

this is the end

C’est fini

The tragedy that we’ve been expecting ever since the beginning

of course it had to be tragic

you know the story don’t you?

Carmen

don’t tell me this is the first fucking time you’ve heard it

This bit is not very popular

not very famous

nevertheless it’s also

charged

with passion

even the chorus

wait for it

the chorus

just a second more

listen

(SHE WAITS FOR THE CHORUS)

they’re watching the fight

the bullfight

Ole

(SHE LISTENS TO THE CHORUS)

And if we wait for it it’ll come

it has to come

will always come

it is written

recorded

stamped

art is always willing to repeat itself

no matter how tragic it is

no matter how well we know the ending

ever since the beginning

it doesn’t matter

it’s art

it really doesn’t matter

it’s desire

is desired

(THE CHORUS)

(PAUSE)

Come on then you bitch

(GRETA APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN WITH A DAGGER)

You look like you need a drink

GRETA: I hate dialogues

LUCY: Not even one little sip?

A toast for Nikdaski

One last toast?

(GRETA LUNGES FORWARD WITH THE DAGGER. LUCY STEPS OUT OF THE WAY AND GRABS GRETA FROM BEHIND. RIGOLETTO GETS UP AND TRIES TO WRESTLE THE DAGGER OUT OF GRETA’S HAND.)

LUCY: Admit it

Admit it all

Do something good for a change

GRETA: I told you

I hate dialogues

You brought me to this

You

You’re responsible for everything from now on

( GRETA WRESTLES FREE STILL WITH THE KNIFE)

The ending should have been completely different

It should have been as it was before

with me

dangling from the tightened noose

that was more beautiful

sadder

even poetic

but you’ve spoiled it

you’ve spoiled everything

with your

vulgarity

How could I ever forgive you?

LUCY: Vulgarity

Fuck you

just do it

do it now

Come on bitch

Come on

GRETA: No

(SHE HOLDS UP THE KNIFE)

You want this

but you won’t get out of it that easily

You and you’re pathetic truth

I’ll give you the truth

give all of you

all of them

the real story

That’s what you want isn’t it?

For them to know the gruesome reality that you can never admit to

your unnatural origins

For them to know that your Will doesn’t even exist

could never exist

because the real man in your life is your precious Rigoletto

your father

You

his lover

(PAUSE. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER)

It makes me sick

(LUCY SLAPS GRETA'S FACE. GRETA TURNS AND LUNGES AGAIN. AGAIN SHE MISSES THE TARGET AND TRIPS OVER THE CHAIR. AS SHE STUMBLES RIGOLETTO TRIES TO HELP HER BUT SHE LEAVES THE DAGGER IMBEDDED IN HIS STOMACH. THIS SHOULD LOOK ACCIDENTAL. RIGOLETTO FALLS DEAD. GRETA SLOWLY STANDS TO HER FEET. THE CHORUS SING "Toreador, en garde... GRETA PULLS HER BLOOD STAINED DAGGER OUT OF THE DEAD LIGHTING OPERATOR'S STOMACH. DON JOSE SINGS: "Vous pouvez m'arreter... c'est moi qui l'ai tuee... O Carmen ! ma Carmen adoree! LUCY FALLS ONTO THE CORPSE, EMBRACING IT. GRETA DROPS HER DAGGER TO THE STAGE FLOOR. THE MUSIC ENDS. CURTAIN.)

END OF THE DRESSING ROOM.

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