ACT THREE

SCENE

                                                    (THE SET OF OEDIPUS

AT THE BACK OF THE STAGE IS A LARGE SIGN WHICH SAYS "OEDIPUS REX")

(HAMLET STANDS CENTRE STAGE. HE IS WEARING A GAS MASK AROUND HIS NECK AND A LONG BLACK OVERCOAT. THE OVERCOAT IS OPEN AND UNDER IT HE'S WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT WHICH HAS GOT THE WORD "OEDIPUS" PRINTED CLEARLY ON IT.)

(ENTER CLAUDIUS DISGUISED AS THE DIRECTOR, WITH AN OBVIOUSLY FALSE MOUSTACHE AND WIG. HE’S WEARING THE SAME TRENCH COAT AS IN THE PREVIOUS ACT, BUT BUTTONED NOW. UNDER THE COAT WE CAN SEE HIS STRIPED, FLANNEL PYJAMAS. HE HAS A SIGN HANGING FROM HIS NECK WHICH SAYS “DIRECTOR”. HE APPROACHES HAMLET AND INSTRUCTS HIM TO PUT ON HIS GAS MASK. HAMLET PUTS ON HIS GAS MASK. CLAUDIUS/THE DIRECTOR THEN TELLS HIM TO TAKE OFF HIS GAS MASK. HAMLET REMOVES HIS GAS MASK.)

CLAUDIUS/DIRECTOR: (TO HAMLET)

            This is our last rehearsal remember

            Our last chance to get it right

            Are you ready?

(HAMLET NODS)

(TO THE LIGHTING TECHNICIAN)

            Let's start

(LIGHTS DIM AND THEN FADE UP AGAIN)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            The sun rises on Thebes

            a weak

            scattered

            indecisive light

            filtering through black clouds

            So sad this daybreak

            that must contemplate our desolate homes made vacant by the plague

            and the night's death toll

            Every night a new clump of bloated bodies

            no longer suffering

            piled and already stinking

            skin bursts open

            gashes

            revealing putrefying interiors

            oozing

            fomenting in the heat

            bubbling interiors

            on the corners of every street

            the only way to avoid it

            is to stay inside

(ENTER HORATIO DRESSED IN A LARGE OVERCOAT AND A GAS MASK ON HIS FACE. HE HAS A SIGN TIED AROUND HIS NECK ANNOUNCING THAT HE IS "THE CHORUS". HE'S CARRYING A STUFFED LIFE SIZE DUMMY OF A CHILD HANGING LIMPLY IN HIS ARMS AND A LONG AND BULGING HESSIAN SACK STRAPPED TO HIS WRIST WHICH DRAGS ALONG THE FLOOR. HE ENTERS BUT WHEN HE SEES OEDIPUS HE STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS THEN TAKES THE GAS MASK OFF HIS FACE)

HORATIO/CHORUS:(TO AUDIENCE)

            There he is

            our king

            tormented by his destiny

            the oracle of Delphi

            which warned that he

            our good king

            would murder his own father and lie with his mother

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (TO AUDIENCE)

            The Chorus!

            Ha!

            There used to be a flock of them

            a chirping bevy of ‘em

            Now they’re reduced to a singularity

            God bless the plague!

HORATIO/CHORUS: (HE ROARS AT OEDIPUS WHO ROARS BACK. THEN)

            Good morrow sire!

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Good morrow

            my good wormwood reaking cuckold’s son

(OEDIPUS ROARS. HORATIO ROARS BACK AS IF RETURNING A GREETING. OEDIPUS BEGINS A SOLEMN RELIGIOUS RITUAL WHILE HORATIO LOOKS ON. HAMLET/OEDIPUS DRAGS A HUGE SACK FULL OF BONES SPREADING THEM ACROSS THE STAGE WHILE HE MUMBLES AN UNINTELLIGIBLE PRAYER. HORATIO/CHORUS WAITS UNTIL OEDIPUS HAS HIS BACK TURNED)

HORATIO/CHORUS:           

            Our beloved king

            See how he prays for us

            Oh

            how he suffers us!

            Puts up with us

            wretched as we are

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (ROARS)

            What I have to put up with from this oh so lovely

            buggederly pack

            of vermicular arse-lickers

HORATIO/CHOORUS:

            Oh Oedipus

            King

            of Thebes

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Oh

            the whining

            whinging

            whinger

            Constant

            day in

            day out

            always the same words of pathetic praise

            Thinking I am here because I love them

            Ha!

            When the most important thing

            for me

            The only important thing

            for me

            is to be as far away from my father

            Polibus

            as possible

            Sounds incredible

            but

            even the life in this hell hole is better than confronting my fate

(OEDIPUS/HAMLET GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND BEGINS DIGGING UP A GRAVE WITH HIS BARE HANDS)

HORATIO/CHOORUS:

            Oh Oedipus

            our king!

            The gods have been kind to him here

            sparing him all the woes and sufferings of his subjects

            He is immune to it all

            like an Achilles

            gifted with genius and an invulnerable hide

(OEDIPUS FARTS AS HE DIGS)

            We

            the people of Thebes

            have given him a wife

            the widow of our old sovereign

            Laertes

            murdered on the highway by bandits

            Or that is the most probable thesis

            no one can be certain

            because the killer has never been found

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (COVERING HIS FACE WITH DIRT)

            The death of Laertes

            ladies and gentlemen

            has never been avenged

(HE ROARS)

(HORATIO/CHORUS OPENS THE SACK HE HAS BEEN DRAGGING AND PULLS OUT A BROWN BAG WITH A LUNCH BOX IN IT. HE OPENS THE LUNCH BOX AND STARTS TO EAT BITS OF CHICKEN BEGINNING WITH A DRUM-STICK)

            It is now six years since Oedipus came to us

            five

            since the accident in the reactor

            when all of Thebes was contaminated

(THOUGHTFUL PAUSE)

            Half the city perished within a week

(HE TAKES A BROWN PAPER BAG WITH A DRINK BOTTLE IN IT OUT OF THE SACK. HE OPENS THE BOTTLE AND DRINKS)

            First it was the sheep

            meek

            defenceless

            innocent ones

            Within a day they had lost all appetite for the grass

            within three days were on withered trembling legs

            dying

            poor little baa-baas

            now all dead

(HE EXAMINES WHAT IS LEFT OF THE DRUM-STICK)

            Which is why we have to eat chicken

HAMLET/OEDIPUS (PAUSING FROM HIS WORK EXCAVATING THE GRAVE):

            So much chicken is eaten

            How and why so much poultry survived is still a mystery

            A miracle some of them call it

            Ha!

(ROARS)

HORATIO/CHORUS: (EATING)

            Although it’s not the same bird of course

            not the same poultry that we used to have before the accident

            The chicken today is almost tasteless

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (PAUSING FROM HIS WORK EXCAVATING THE GRAVE. OBVIOUSLY EXCITED ABOUT THE IDEA OF CONTAMINATED CHICKENS)

            Born naked

            without feathers

            pimpled skin full of

            red

            pulsating lumps with putrid yellow tips

            that explode

            huge boils eructing puss

            Get your fucking tongues out you pox-brained scum-bags!

(ROARS)

HORATIO/CHORUS: (DRINKS)

            We waste nothing now

            The entire bird is eaten

            Offal

            flapping cox-combs

            beaks and bills

            and wrinkled clawed feet

            everything

            Even bones

            though it has been said that plastic is tastier and often more tender

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            The poultry-butchers

            spend hours

            lancing the birds’ boils

            mixing the puss and blood with their own urine

            to be sold as a drink

(HORATIO/CHORUS HOLDS UP HIS DRINK AND SMILES)

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            You get used to it

            It’s amazing what we can ingurgitate without dying

            Like the frog in the boiling can of water

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            That’s them

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            that’s us

            The frog in the water

            You know the story don’t you?

            Put a frog in a can of water

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            heat it

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            heat the water

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            and wait

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            wait for the frog to jump

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            jump out

            which would be the logical reaction when things are getting hot

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            but the frog doesn’t jump

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            It defies all logic

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            poo-poos the rational

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            and stays within

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            inside

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            prefers it

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            it prefers to stay inside

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            in the slowly heating water

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            on its way to boiling point

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            slowly

            but at on an ever increasing rate of acceleration

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            And the frog

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            all the time

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            adapting

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            to the heat

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            until the water boils

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            and then its blood boils

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            and it dies

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            a gruesome agonising death

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            in the end

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Exploding boiling frogs

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            and exploding boiling us

(THEY ROAR)

(HORATIO TAKES OUT ANOTHER DRUM-STICK AND TAKES A BITE)

            Ah

            this is not chicken by the way

            in case you thought it was

            No

            this is the leg of a rodent

            a kind of rat

            a delicacy though

            tastes great I swear

            There are a lot around

            but hard to get

            Sly

            shrewd

            and swift

            Lots of things did survive

            besides the chickens and rats there are many kinds of insects and other creepy crawlies

            Edible ones

            crunchy coleopteras

            tasty vermicules and gourmet arachnids

            we eat them all

            our beasty diet

(EATS)

            but there are no vegetables

(EAT)

            Oh the rats are good

            and

            before they are skinned

            they serve another purpose

(DRINKS)

            Sliding a hairy rodent down one’s throat induces vomiting

            which is necessary when there are no vegetables

            for the bowel does not move when there are no vegetables

            and we have to evacuate our stomachs somehow

(EATS)

            Um

            This rat is very good

            but rats usually are

            next to poultry the best we can expect

            cockroaches are horrible

            But our doctors insist

            You cannot live on chicken alone

            they say

            as if they could not see the irony in it

            Food is only a temporary measure

            it does not really keep us alive

            merely fills our stomachs

            We still die

            dozens by the hour

            We die

            Our children die

            Our children

            poor dear things

            who have known nothing but this contaminated life

            All they have ever eaten is the contaminated food

            and drunk the contaminated liquids

            which is all we can offer them

            until they get violently ill

HAMLET/OESIPUS:

            Sickening to watch how ill they become

            so quickly

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            We are used to it now

            and know that  no baby will live long

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Within a year

            always dead

            within a year

            If the radiation doesn't get them the plague will

HORATIO/CHORUS:(EATS)

            The plague

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            a logical result of the woeful condition of the city's sanitation

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            which

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            so neglected

            for so long

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            is now beyond repair

            Those who have tried to clean have always been the first to die

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            so nobody cleans any more

            If I were not here

            no-one would clean

            But what kind of king’s job is this!?

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            Such is the city's atrophy

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (BEGINS SORTING BONES AND PUTTING THEM INTO THE GRAVE HE HAS DUG)

            Patricide

            matricide

            fratricide

            infanticide

HOTATIO/CHORUS:

            all quite common these days

            So much death

(EATS)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Pathetic race

            so much wood has been used to fuel their cremations that they have exhausted the forests

            and the surrounds are now the desert you see and feel here now

            Now their bodies are left in piles

            They dry and rot in the sun

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            A sun which hardly reaches us

            through the heavy shadowy fog

            shrouding this land

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Even on a cloudless night

            when the sky is clear

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            even then

            the stars are invisible to us

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            We never see stars any more

            our dreams have become

            but heavy

            ruddy

            shadows

            Only see wraiths

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            are becoming wraith-like ourselves

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            within this humid

            pneumonic

            carcinogenic

            atmosphere

HORATIO/CHORUS:(EATS)

            Forever ruined

            say some

(DRINKS)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            By the politicians

            say some

            They blame the politicians

HORATIO/CHORUS:(EATS)

            The government

(DRINKS)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            It’s always the government’s fault

HORATIO/CHORUS:(DRINKS)

            Only Oedipus can save us

            say some

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            the ones that go for me

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            His strength

            More tyrannical than democratic

            more sensible

            in times of crisis

            He has always something to say in times of crisis

            Always something to say

            because there is always crisis

            here in Thebes

(HAMLET/OEDIPUS BEGINS FRANTICALLY WORKIN ON THE GRAVE AND THE LAYING DOWN OF THE BONES)

(HORATIO/CHORUS WATCHES AND EATS)

            Oedipus Rex

            we call him

(DRINKS)

            Oedipus

            beloved tyrant

(HE FINISHES THE FOOD AND CLOSES HIS LUNCH BOX)

            His sense of dignity

            economic frugality

(HE SCREWS UP THE BROWN PAPER BAG AND THROWS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS: (FROM THE GRAVE)

            Give nothing to the parasites

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            he says

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            The scum of the earth

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            he calls them

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            They are our real bane

            And the workers who do not work

            give them nothing

            Deny them all

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            he preaches

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            But nothing has changed

            horripilation

            It makes me shiver

            the mere thought

            that nothing has changed

(PICKS UP A SKULL AND EXAMINES IT)

            Alas

            poor Yorick

            I knew him

            Horatio

HORATIO/CHORUS: (PENSIVE, SCRATCHING HIS TESTICLES)

            Dare I doubt the king

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            This awful evil

            A ruin that persists

            day in

            day out

            from nine till five

            and afterwards

            at home

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            Our foul

            empty

            homes

            Terrible

            awful

            agony

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            And if a stranger should approach

            we welcome them

            to hell

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            Oh

            Thebes

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            cesspool of the gods!

(HAMLET/OEDIPUS LOOKS INTO THE GRAVE HE HAS BEEN DIGGING UP)

            We must sacrifice more

            the gods are less than happy with us

(HE JUMPS INTO THE GRAVE)

            The people must sacrifice more

(LOOKING UP AT HORATIO)

            Prithee Horatio

            tell me one thing

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            What’s that

            my lord?

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            What have you got to sacrifice?

(PAUSE. HORATIO HANGS HIS HEAD IN SHAME)

            Ah

            as always

            the vital question is evaded

(HE CLIMBS OUT)

            There is always silence

            to evade the vital question

(BEGINS TO MANIPULATE HORATIO/CHORUS’S HEAD LIKE A DOLL)

            A subtle turning away of the head

            to avoid the condemning glance of the benefactor

(HE STARTS TO REMOVE CLOTHING FROM HORATIO/CHORUS)

            “I have nothing more to give”

            they say

            “Have sacrificed everything m’lord

            It is you who must save us”

            they tell me

            “You

            who are all powerful

            Our mighty king

            you will be our saviour”

(PAUSE. CONTEMPLATING HORATIO/CHORUS NAKED)

            Well I am sick of it

            of all this complaint

            of all this running to me for help

            I have given enough

            My personal fortune

            squandered

            on this miserable people

            You don't deserve me!

            None of you

(ROARS)

            And

            in whispers behind my back

            you condemn me

            I've heard you

            as if any of you had the right

            And if I were to leave you

            what then?

            How would you nourish your miserable stomachs then?

            The city would perish within a week

            Thebes

            can only be saved

            when the rightful king can convince his people to believe in themselves

            Thus the oracle written by me

            Yes

            by me!

            Now I  write oracles

            because the gods no longer send them

            The gods no longer send anything to anyone in Thebes

            So we have to make our own

            I

            as king

            will make my own

            Times are changing

            things are not as they were

            even Tiresius is dead

(PAUSE. HAMLET GLARES. HORATIO NODS. HAMLET KEEPS GLARING)

HORATIO:

            Yes your highness

(LONG PAUSE UNTIL HAMLET SMILES)

            Your highness?

(PAUSE)

HAMLET:

            Yes

HORATIO:

            I'm awaiting your instructions your highness

HAMLET:

            No instructions

(THEN AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT)

            No

            Stand there until you die

(TO AUDIENCE)

            Feeble race

            Cynical

            They hate me

            Ever since I became their king

            which they accepted  well enough

            my election was democratic

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            according to the rules of the constitution

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            which allows for governors lacking in total support

(HE SPITS)

            If the pre-requisite was for total support there would never be a ruler here

            not even forty per cent would vote for one individual

            not even thirty

            but they prefer me

            Preferred me to any other

            More people preferred me than any other

            and so I am their king

            Married to the wife of the old king

            which is not the custom here

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            not quite the custom

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            the new king must marry the old king's daughter

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            but the old king had no daughter

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            so I married his wife

            A dragon

            twice my age

            Old enough to be my mother

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            which disgusts him

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            There is nothing I loathe more than lying down with the queen

            my wretched wife

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            who like all of us has been scarred by our wretched circumstances

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Oh

            loveless marriage

(HE SPITS)

            What a burden

            this thing

            "power"

            obliging me to lie with such a hag

            who loves me no more than I love her

(HE SPITS)

            Not surprising

            I

            with my limp

            my shrivelled polio stricken limb has never been a great turn on for any woman

            but we are forced to couple

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            You must

            for our heir

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            The populace demand an heir

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            The Queen demands an heir

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Her lust is so great that she is not content with her own crown

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            Our beloved Queen

            seeks prolongation

            through lineage

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            This pressure is devastating

(HE SPITS)

            Oh that I were rid of her

            The plague brought hope

            but she resists

            like a fly resists the smell of the cow pad upon which it crawls

            I am desperate

(HE PACES UP AND DOWN THE STAGE THREE TIMES AND THEN STOPS.)

            And a desperate man will take desperate steps

(PAUSE)

            You

(BECKONING HORATIO. HORATIO GOES TO HIM)

            Go to my wife

            make it known to her that I would have her make herself ready in my royal bed chamber

            Go

            now!

(EXIT HORATIO)

            While I make a plan

(HE THINKS)

            What if I were to give her exactly what she wants?

            My royal semen

            so passionately delivered

            that my instrument

            released from its cod piece

(HE UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD)

            would rip her asunder

(HE SWIPES HIS SWORD IN THE AIR AND LAUGHS SARDONICALLY)

(EXIT HAMLET/OEDIPUS)

(ENTER GERTRUDE AS YOCASTA, OEDIPUS' WIFE AND MOTHER. SHE ENTERS WITH CLAUDIUS DISGUISED AS THE DIRECTOR)

CLAUDIUS:

            Have you learned the script?

GERTRUDE:

            It has been such short notice

CLAUDIUS:

            But you have learned it?

GERTRUDE:

            To have to stand in for another actress who is suddenly forced to withdraw

            for circumstances which seem strange to all of us

            and I have never heard one decent reason to explain why

            suddenly

            the principle actress stepped down

            That is strange

            my task is difficult

            but I approach it unflinchingly

            even though your play doesn't even have a title yet

            and the opening night is tomorrow

            yet I approach the task unflinchingly

            because I am a professional

            It will be perfect

CLAUDIUS:

            Good

            And you have studied the notes explaining the psychological interpretation of the tragedy

GERTRUDE:

            All tragedy has a psychological interpretation

CLAUDIUS:

            True

            but let us not confuse one anguish with another

GERTRUDE:

            All anguish is confused

CLAUDIUS:

            But everything must be perfectly clear to the audience

            at the end

            we are working with archetypes

            People have already made up their minds

            I would hate to disappoint them

GERTRUDE:

            I am a professional

CLAUDIUS:

            Of course I trust you

            Don't let me down

(HE LEAVES THE STAGE TO HIS PLACE IN THE AUDIENCE FROM WHERE HE SHOUTS INSTRUCTIONS)

            Begin

            please

            Scene Two

            Your first scene

            That is where you begin

            Your monologue

            Establish yourself

            your role

            It is important to convey the character

            the whole character

            right here

            at the beginning

            Any mistake and you will be misinterpreted

            it will be impossible to get back on the track

            impossible

            So I suggest you begin strong

            expressing strength

            Do you understand?

GERTRUDE:

(NODS IN AFFIRMATION, THEN, UNDER HER BREATH...)

            What does he take me for, this fool?

            Have I been wise?

            Should I have come?

            Accepted a job from a nobody?

            To work with a nobody?

(TO CLAUDIUS/DIRECTOR)

            But er...

            from where do I enter?

            Stage right

            or stage left?

            It is not in the script.

CLAUDIUS:

            There will be a fade

            fade up

            You

            already there

            already in the centre

            Waiting

             ruminating

            You should be chewing bile

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA:

(SHE ASSUMES A DRAMATIC STANCE. FROM HIS PLACE IN THE AUDIENCE CLAUDIUS SIGHS & SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE GIVES HER DRAMATIC GESTURES TO FOLLOW. AFTER A WHILE OF TRYING DIFFERENT GESTURES HE CLIMBS BACK ON STAGE, THEN GOES BACK STAGE TO FETCH A CHAIR. HE INDICATES TO HER TO SIT ON IT & NOT TO MOVE. HE GOES BACK STAGE AGAIN AND FETCHES A LONG THICK ROPE. HE LEAVES THIS BESIDES THE CHAIR. SHE LOOKS FED UP. HE SMILES & CLAPS HIS HANDS; ACKNOWLEDGING HIS APPROVAL. FED UP SHE BEGINS YOCASTA’S SPEECH)

            All men hate all women some of the time

            Some men hate all women all of the time

            Some men hate some women all of the time

            My husband

            the king

            is all men and some men

            He hates me

            but I cannot bring myself to hate him

            I cannot bring myself to hate men

            not all of them

            not all of the time

            If I hated men I would have to hate my own son

            now dead

            killed by his father

            but by now my own dead son would have been a man

            How could I have hated him ?

            The son of the king

            who I have carried in my womb

            how could I have hated him ?

(PAUSE)

            Men are cruel pessimists

(PAUSE)

            My first husband

            the one before this one

            my dear Laertes

            my dear cruel and stupid Laertes

            how I hated him

            though I loved him once

            When we married

            there was some love then

            a pathetic fairy-tale kind

            to have loved someone so obviously stupid

            And I

            so thick-headed to have fallen for him

            for I have never known a more feeble-minded halfwit than cruel Laertes

            But he was king

            which gave him certain airs

            certain romantic airs

            Marrying even the most stupid of kings has something romantic about it

            If you had the choice most of you would consider it

            the money

            and glamour

            the crown and all those other jewels

            And the idea of such absolute power has an innately

            erotic side to it

            Even the tragedy inherent in all power

            has something erotic about it

            Yet erotic he was not

            Not Laertes

            Dull brain

            dull body

            Just a stupid man

            who believed in the oracles

            in fate

            in incurable destiny

            who believed the prophecy that said that I would marry my own son

            the murderer of my husband

            And so stupid that

            while never questioning its inevitability

            he decided to change it

            Oh

            the tragedy

            But how was I to know?

            How could anyone have ever guessed what a monster he could be?

            That a king could be such a monster?

            Made monstrous by a pathetic

            superstitious nature

            completely lacking in will

            in any belief in his motives

            Of course I could never forgive him

            his cretinous nature does not absolve anything

            not for what he did

            Such crimes are unforgivable

            especially from a husband

            How could any mother

            even the most imbecile

            cretinous creature

            forgive the murderer of her own child?!

            Especially when the assassin is the father

            Such a  cold and calculated crime

            performed out of illogical fear

            of a blindman’s prophecy!

            Who could forgive?!

(SHE WEEPS)

            Poor  cruel perverse bastard

            Laertes

            filled my womb with his seed but couldn't cope with the consequences

            that is why he had the infant done away with

            because he couldn't cope

            But did he ask me!?

            Did he ever care what his wife thought!?

            A jelly fish king

            without backbone

(PAUSE)

            Now it is different

            Now I have a new  husband

            and we have a tyrant

            who rose to the occasion at first

            but is now well and truly impotent

            His flagging sex does little justice to his youth

            Incapable of expressing the slightest affection

            Spartan

            cold

            frigid even

            He has no understanding of the concept of love

(ENTER HORATIO/CHORUS)

HORATIO/CHORUS:

            By the king's decree

            the queen to bed  will be

(EXIT HORATTIO/CHORUS)

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA:

            Ay

            the king would have them believe him randy

            but this means a beating for me

            Unable to use his penis he takes the lash

            He will force me to lick his shrivelled leg

            smeared with his own excrement

            Oh

            perverse king

            your domain endures your blasphemy

            He says I enjoy it

            that my screams are orgasmic

            He will never understand me and meanwhile I suffer his sadism

(SHE VEILS HER HEAD)

            He can no longer bear the sight of my face

            just as I can no longer stomach his

(SHE PICKS UP THE ROPE THAT IS BESIDES THE CHAIR AND BEGINS WRAPPING IT AROUND HER LEGS, TYING THE LOWER PART OF HER BODY TO THE CHAIR)

            Foil him I will

            He will not open these legs

            not violate my body

            that part of my body he so much despises

            I will resist all impotent violations

            all his prodding and poking with plastic implements

            Yes

            metal

            plastic

            sometimes pseudo-organic things

            plastic phallic shaped fruits and vegetables

            That is how his sick mind works

            But I have had enough

(ENTER HAMLET/OEDIPUS WEARING A GAS MASK)

HAMLET/OEDIIPUS:

            Yocasta

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA:

(ASIDE)

            Yocasta

            that rings a bell

            So I am Yocasta

            but why didn't the director tell me that

            there was never any name in the script I was given

(THOUGHTFUL)

            Yocasta

(TO HAMLET)

            Be kind to me tonight my king

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

(ASIDE IN A WHISPER)

(TAKES OFF HIS MASK.)

            Suffering is a terrible thing

            I will make it short and sweet

            I suppose

            at least

            I owe her that

(HAMLET/OEDIPUS UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD AND, TURNING HIS BACK TO GERTRUDE, TAKES OUT A VILE OF POISON. HE DIPS THE BLADE OF THE SWORD IN THE POISON. HE THEN PUTS HIS MASK BACK ON, COVERS HIMSELF WITH A TRANSPARENT CURTAIN AND BEGINS CUTTING THROUGH THE ROPE)

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA:

(PANTING)

            You wouldn’t dare

            I am Queen

            Respect my will

            you shit

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            The law is with the King

            After all I wrote it

            I do what I like

(HE HACKS THROUGH MORE ROPES, MAKING HIS WAY UP TO HER LAP)

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA:

            You enjoy it don’t you?

            Watching me tremble

            A sadist in a world in which the word were not invented yet

            You are sick!

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Then if you like I will vomit over you

            Infuse the plague upon you

            within you

(HE MAKES AS IF TO LIFT HIS GAS MASK. GERTRUDE GASPS. HE STOPS)

            And that sound

            a gasp

            a sigh

            in your tremendous fear

            I see excitement

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA:

            All men hate all women all the time

            Why must you torment me?!

            Why not just love me?

            Make love to me?!

(HAMLET CUTS THROUGH THE LAST STRANDS OF ROPE, THEN LIFTS UP GERTRUDE/YOCASTA’S DRESS. THEN, LOWERING HIS TROUSERS HE PULLS HER TO HIM, EMBRACES HER THEN LETS HER FALL TO THE FLOOR.)

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Is this passion love then?

(HE SLAPS HER)

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA (SOBBING):

            Shit...

            Why?

            Why be...?

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Why?

            You tell me why

            You hate me

            hate this

            as much as I do

            So you tell me why!

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA (THROUGH HER SOBS):

            Destiny is cruel

            God is cruel

            It is not our fault

            Perhaps

            if you were more gentle

            kind for once

            perhaps then we could

            be human for once

            comprehend happiness for once

            make love

            real love

            for once

            Yet you reject such a proposition

            a priori

            That is your problem

HAMLET/OEDIPUS (PAUSES, HE IS OBVIOUSLY MOVED BY GERTRUDE’S WORDS - ASIDE):

            She is more intelligent

            more attractive than the script had led me to suppose

            I feel a desire

            unnatural

            nothing in the script about...

            or am I discovering a subtext

            an actor should follow the impulse

            a good actor

            shouldn’t one?

            shouldn’t I?

 (HE STROKES HER BODY THROUGH HER DRESS)

            This feels so soft

            impossibly nice

            soft yet firm

            Yet she is supposed to be old

            a hag

            did the script not say a hag

            Yet I could be so comfortable here

            lying here

            Her grip is so firm

            yet at the same time gentle

            Her voice so harsh

            yet at the same time tender

            These extremes

            make me shudder

            To stop here

            and explore

            what treasures will I find?

(HE RUNS HIS HANDS GENTLY OVER HER)

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA (ASIDE):

            Where is his lash?

            In the script he is supposed to beat me

            he is supposed to be beating me

            Why does the director say nothing?

            Is he asleep?

            This is strange

            too strange

HAMLET/OEDIPUS (TO GERTRUDE):

            I love you!

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA:

            What?!

            My God! You...

HAMLET/OEDIPUS:

            Don’t ruin it...

GERTRUDE/YOOCASTA:

            I...

HAMLET/OEDIIPUS:

            You are wonderful

            Let me love you

GERTRUDE/YOCASTA:

            You’re so young

            I could...

(HAMLET/OEDIPUS PUTS HIS HAND OVER HER VEILED MOUTH TO MUFFLE HER WORDS. THEN HE SLOWLY LIFTS HER DRESS. SHE EMBRACES HIM. THEY MAKE LOVE.)

(ENTER HORATIO/CHORUS: CREEPING CAUTIOUSLY IN):

HORATIO/CHORUS:(TO AUDIENCE)

            Again

            another attempt to sow the seeds of dynasty

            It will fail

            invariably

            it always fails

(PAUSE: HE WATCHES THEIR LOVE MAKING)

            But now

            with what inspired passion our king and queen are on each other

            This is unusual

(HAMLET/OEDIPUS EXCITED BY THE MOMENT THROWS OFF HIS JACKET )

            Our king is not himself today

(THE COUPLE REACH A CLIMAX IN THEIR LOVE MAKING AT WHICH MOMENT GERTRUDE PULLS OFF HAMLET'S GAS MASK AND PULLING OFF HER OWN VEIL THEY KISS WITH CLOSED EYES. A LONG DEEP KISS.)

            The kingdom is saved

(GRADUALLY THE KISS SUBSIDES AND THE COUPLE OPEN THEIR EYES. HAMLET RECOGNISES HIS MOTHER, GERTRUDE RECOGNISES HER SON. REACTION. HAMLET GATHERS HIS CLOTHES AND COVERING HIS PENIS HE RETIRES TREMBLING. HE IS SO SHOCKED HE IS UNABLE TO SAY ANYTHING. GERTRUDE WATCHES HIM DEPART AND THEN SCREAMS. SHE WRITHES ON THE FLOOR IN AGONY GRIPPING HER ABDOMEN. HORATIO NERVOUSLY SCUTTLES AWAY OFF STAGE)

(ENTER CLAUDIUS. STRIPPING AWAY HIS DISGUISE)

CLAUDIUS:

            Like the heavens themselves

            I stand above you all

(PAUSE. HE WATCHES THE WEEPING GERTRUDE)

            Enough

            more than enough

            all of this is enough even for me

            Cruel world

            the world is cruel

            violent

            Even our love making is essentially a violent act

            a cruel act

            with the best intentions

            but nevertheless

            cruel

(HORATIO SCREAMS FROM OFF STAGE AND THEN RUNS ONTO THE STAGE WEEPING)

HORATIO:

            A doctor!

( CLAUDIUS RUNS BACK STAGE. HE RETURNS WITH  HAMLET'S LIFELESS BODY IN HIS ARMS)

GERTRUDE: <

            Ah

            you bastard

            vicious cruel bastard

(SHE RUNS TO THE BODY/EMBRACES IT)

            How?!

            to do this

            Why?

CLAUDIUS:

            Too much

            too much

            this is all too much

HORATIO:

            Our darling Hamlet

            so moved

            by the act

            on the floor

            took his poisoned sword

            and

            lodging it carefully down his throat

            as deep as he could without choking himself

            he leaped

            a brilliant swallow dive

            rising up he kicked his legs out from under him

            stretched out his arms

            and fell

            flat on his face

(PAUSE)

            The deadly blade

            pushed forward and through our beloved friend's neck

            the hilt forced into his mouth

            choking him

            a spurt of blood

            I remember nothing else

CLAUDIUS: (PATTING HORATIO’S SHOULDER)

            Thank you Horatio

            you have remembered enough

            As for you Gertrude

            may your son's

            my nephew's

            seed

            grow well within your womb

            it will be a winter's child

GERTRUDE (TO CLAUDIUS):

            Hell is murky

            fuck you

            fuck

            fuck

(LOOKING AT HAMLET IN HER ARMS. GENTLY STROKING HIS HAIR)

            What am I to call you?

            Hamlet?

            Oedipus?

            son?

            I had a son once

            Speak boy

            Even if only to insult me

            speak

            curse

            Why so much shame?

            Look at me

(SHE LIFTS HIS HEAD)

            This stark pale face

            cast thy nighted colour off

            These empty orbs       

            forever seeking his father

            in the dust

            Let them look again my son

            like a friend on Denmark

( WHEN SHE LETS GO OF THE HEAD IT DROPS AWAY FROM HER, AS IF LOOKING AWAY)

            Why do you shy away from me?

(HORATIO APPROACHES HER AND PUTS A HAND ON HER SHOULDER)

HORATIO:

            You know

            it’s common

            we all know

            all of us

            all

            that lives

            must die

GERTRUDE (TO HORATIO- WEEPING):

            Who would have thought the poor boy to have had so much blood in him

            The Thane of Fife had a wife!

            Hamlet

            thou art slain

CLAUDIUS:

            This scene needs a Creon or Fortinbras

            but I didn’t cast either

            This time no saviour

            no phoenix rising from the ashes

            the anarchy persists

            Why start again?

            Why dream again?

            Enough of dreams

            this agony can only go on so long

(CLAUDIUS SUDDENLY COLLAPSES ONTO HIS KNEES)

            Ay

            kippers

            I die

            but for the first time I see the beauty of our world

            I am avenged

            My brother is avenged

(ROARS)

            Kippers

(HE DIES)

(HORATIO GROANS THEN YELLS AND BEGINS TO RUN AROUND THE SPACE - A FRANTIC, SPASTIC ESCAPE TO NOWHERE - GERTRUDE ALSO MOANS LONG AND LOW. SHE LEAVES HAMLET’S CORPSE AND STAGGERS TO THAT OF CLAUDIUS. KNEELING OVER HIM AND WEEPING SHE BEGINS TO PULL AT HIM, PULLING AT HIS CLOTHES, RIPPING THINGS OUT OF HIS POCKETS: PENS, HANDKERCHIEFS, PACKETS OF SWEETS, A WALLET - SHE RIPS THE MONEY OUT, THROWING BILLS IN THE AIR, A  CASSETTE TAPE AND A KNIFE. SHE PULLS A SMALL TAPE-RECORDER OUT A POCKET IN HIS JACKET. SHE REWINDS IT AND THEN LETS IT PLAY. CLAUDIUS’ VOICE, HIS LAST SPEECH:

            This time no saviour

            no phoenix rising from the ashes

            the anarchy persists

            Why start again?

            Why dream again?

            Enough of dreams

            this agony can only go on so long...

SHE STOPS THE TAPE. PULLS IT OUT OF THE MACHINE AND THEN HURLS IT AWAY. SHE FUMBLES FOR THE OTHER TAPE SHE HAD FOUND AND PUTS IT INTO THE MACHINE. MUSIC: CELLO, ADAGIO OR SLOW DIRGE. SHE GROANS. LIFTS HERSELF, BEGINS TO DANCE, SWAYING TO THE MUSIC WHICH CONTINUES THROUGHOUT THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE.

HORATIO RUNS TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND FALLS TO HIS KNEES. HE YELLS AND BEGINS RIPPING OUT HIS EYES - LIKE OEDIPUS - GERTRUDE SUDDENLY POUNCES ON THE KNIFE THAT HAD FALLEN OUT AND SHOUTING:

            No more

            I couldn’t

            can’t bear it

            not that

            no more

 SHE SLICES AT HER EAR, CARVING IT OFF. THEN RIPPING OFF A STRIP OF CLAUDIUS’ SHIRT SHE TIES THE RAG AROUND HER HEAD AS A BANDAGE. HORATIO - EYES GORGED OUT, WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE - GROANING AND MOANING:

HORATIO:

            No tears

            no tears

            but really

            it’s been so long since we shed any tears

(HE REACHES BLINDLY OUT FOR GERTRUDE. SHE EMBRACES HIM. WIPES BLOOD OFF HIS FACE WITH HER OWN BANDAGE THEN SPINS AWAY TO CONTINUE HER TORTURED DANCE)

            If the end of the world is nigh

            let it be tonight

            lest we should have to go home

            to our hellish homes

(ROARS)

GERTRUDE:

            Oh no

            don’t go

            stay out in the streets

            embrace the miserable

            the heartache

            lacrimae rerum

            melancholy nostalgia for something that never was

            dolour

            anguish

            angst

            such a bleeding broken heavy heart is intrinsically beautiful in its ugliness

(ROAR)

HORATIO:

            No more propagation

            give us hell-fire and brimstone

            masturbate on concrete

            tar

            asphalt

            something more creative

            more perfect

(GROANS)

GERTRUDE:

            God!

            Your creation

            abysmal imperfection

            Has there ever been such a failed artist?

            such a vulgar parvenu?

            Our dear

            loving

            God

(SCREAMS)

            pure sadism

HORATIO:

            And you?

            them?

            what of you and them?

            What you didn’t understand

            is that differences

            are in perfect accord  with themselves

            Harmony consists in opposing tensions

            like the violin

            and its cat-gut bow

(WHINES)

GERTRUDE:

            And we now?

            what of us?

            We have no alternative

            in a deficient universe

            but to suffer

(GROANS)

HORATIO:

            Insufferable life

            without tears

(GROANS)

GERTRUDE:

            Conflict is common

            justice discordant

            everything is discordant necessity

            insufferable

            not matter how stoic you are

(GERTRUDE FALLS DOWN AND EMPBRACES HORATIO, STROKES HIS HAIR, BOTH WEEPING)

HORATIO:

            Leave us be

GERTRUDE:

            please

HORATIO:

            please leave us

GERTRUDE:

            it really is

            time

HORATIO:

            time ladies and gentlemen

GERTRUDE:

            time

HORATIO:

            to go

LIGHTS FADE. THE VOLUME OF THE MUSIC BUILDS TO A DRAMATIC CRESCENDO.

END OF "HAMLET 2000"

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