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HAMLET 2000
(the tragedy of all tragedies) |
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ACT
ONE |
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CAST: Hamlet
(A modern Danish middle-class youth) Horatio
(Hamlet's best friend) Gertrude
(Hamlet's mother) Claudius
(Gertrude's boyfriend)
ACT ONE
SCENE:
(A VERY MODERN DANISH KITCHEN) (ENTER
HAMLET AND HORATIO DRESSED IN RENAISSANCE COSTUMES - AS THEY
WOULD IN A TYPICAL PRODUCTION OF SHAKESPEARE'S "HAMLET". HAMLET
PUTS THE KETTLE ON) HAMLET:
The milk is in the fridge (HE
POINTS TO THE FRIDGE)
There
in the fridge,
if you want it
Horatio,
my friend,
I drink mine black. HORATIO:
Yes,
you drink yours black
and I have milk HAMLET:
We have agreed on the tea
but choose to differ on the form to take it in,
on the way to have it,
we choose to differ HORATIO:
So very slightly
but it is
nevertheless
important
The difference is important HAMLET:
And we are friends
but different HORATIO:
And that is important HAMLET:
That we are friends HORATIO:
That we are different HAMLET:
Integral HORATIO:
and non-integral HAMLET:
convergent HORATIO:
divergent HAMLET:
consonant HORATIO:
dissonant HAMLET:
from all things
Unity HORATIO:
Unity
from all things HAMLET:
and for that very reason HORATIO:
we can be friends HAMLET:
If we were the same HORATIO:
it would be impossible HAMLET:
Like Rosencrantz and Guildernstern HORATIO:
who were impossible HAMLET:
so similar HORATIO:
They always drank their tea exactly the same way HAMLET:
with milk and sugar HORATIO:
Always with milk and sugar (PAUSE.
THE TWO RUMINATE ON WHAT THEY'VE BEEN SAYING.) HAMLET:
The kettle has boiled!
Your milk HORATIO:
In the fridge (HORATIO
GOES TO THE FRIDGE, OPENS THE DOOR, BUT A BAD SMELL COMES OUT.
HE CLOSES THE DOOR COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH WITH HIS HAND) HORATIO:
Something rotten HAMLET:(SNIFFS)
The kippers
Undoubtedly the kippers
which we are still not used to
The smell remains repulsive,
unbearable
in the morning
The smell of kippers is never bearable in the morning
and yet my mother insists on having them
on serving them to us
in the morning
for breakfast
which is disgusting
and always has disgusted me (HE
MAKES THE TEA AND THROWS THE TEA BAGS IN THE RUBBISH BIN WHICH
HAS A POP-UP LID) (HE
PAUSES WITH THE LID OPEN)
Something
rotten
Horatio,
within
there is something horribly rotten HORATIO:
Since the death of your father HAMLET:
who still haunts me in my dreams HORATIO:
there has been something rotten since the death of your father HAMLET:
In nightmares
He always appears in nightmares
to condemn me HORATIO:
Our fathers will always condemn us
without saying a word they condemn us in our dreams HAMLET:
With just a look HORATIO:
which tells us
that we have disappointed HAMLET:
For a father expects certain behaviour HORATIO:
But we never
behave
how we were expected (ENTER
GERTRUDE - ALSO DRESSED IN RENAISSANCE GARB) GERTRUDE:
Good morning Hamlet
Horatio
Good morning (THE
BOYS ARE SILENT)
I trust you both slept well last night
Already warm.
The summer has hardly yet begun but the nights are already warm
Perhaps you had too many blankets
which made it hard to sleep
With blankets you would have been hot,
the night would have been unbearable
with blankets HAMLET:
Mother
the night was cool HORATIO:
Chilly HAMLET:
We slept separately HORATIO:
Of course HAMLET:
You wouldn't expect us to have slept together
would you?
mother HORATIO:
And alone it was a chilly night
even with blankets HAMLET:
Whereas together
if we'd been together
huddled in each other's arms
we would not have needed blankets HORATIO:
Blankets would have been ridiculous HAMLET:
Unbearable!
Right mother?
Together
My belly pressed against his hot back HORATIO:
Awfully hot HAMLET:
Awfully
Right mother? (PAUSE) GERTRUDE:
Hamlet! HAMLET:
Yes mother (PAUSE) (ENTER
CLAUDIUS - HE'S WEARING STRIPED FLANNEL PYJAMA PANTS AND A DIRTY
SINGLET. HE SITS DIRECTLY DOWN AT THE TABLE.) CLAUDIUS:
Ah
breakfast (HE
BELCHES AND FARTS BEFORE HE STARTS EATING FROM A PLATE OF DRY TOAST
ON THE TABLE) HAMLET:
Fair greetings
Such are his fair greetings (GERTRUDE
OPENS THE FRIDGE) GERTRUDE:
Oh
sod it!
The kippers
We can't eat them like that HAMLET:
My father ate your kippers mother
Always
every day
he ate your kippers
until they killed him (CLAUDIUS
CHOKES ON A BIT OF TOAST) (PAUSE) GERTRUDE:
It was not the kippers son HAMLET:
But kippers
my dear mother
are treated
are they not?
They are smoked to prevent their ruin
are they not? GERTRUDE:
They spoil when they are left out
When the tin is opened and they are taken out
they go off
become inedible
and have to be thrown out.
Hamlet,
be a dear Hamlet,
do
me a favour
Do the dirty work please (SHE
OPENS THE FRIDGE DOOR AND WAITS FOR HAMLET TO GET UP AND TAKE
THE KIPPERS OUT) (PAUSE) (HAMLET
TAKES A CARVING KNIFE. HE LOOKS AT GERTRUDE THEN LOOKS AT HORATIO.
THEN HE LOOKS AT CLAUDIUS' BACK BEFORE LIFTING HIS ARM, PREPARING
TO LUNGE AT HIM. GERTRUDE
INTERCEPTS AND WRESTLING WITH HAMLET SHE MAKES HIM DROP
THE KNIFE.) GERTRUDE:
Hamlet! HAMLET:
Mother (HE
KISSES HER) GERTRUDE:
Hamlet! (WIPING
HAMLET'S KISS OFF HER LIPS) HAMLET:
But you misinterpret my actions mother
Totally and completely I am misinterpreted
misunderstood
I was merely
but
going to cut another slice
for our dear uncle Claudius's breaky HORATIO:
Our dear uncle Claudius HAMLET:
who's always so hungry,
who needs sustenance to keep himself
in form
Which is important
If we are ever to
maintain ourselves
on top
we must keep ourselves in form (GERTRUDE
SLAPS HIM) HORATIO:(TO
AUDIENCE)
Violent
She has always been like that
So horribly violent
She has always been ready to beat her son
even here in public
in front of me
in front of us
It's horribly painful for me
being here HAMLET:
(APPROACHING HORATIO)
Horribly painful
I'm sorry Horatio
for asking you to come HORATIO:(TO
AUDIENCE)
He's sorry for asking us to come HAMLET:
To have a mother so,
who expresses her love,
her maternal love,
who expresses her maternal love thus,
in such a way
What do you think Horatio? HORATIO:
It is hardly fitting for our "Oedipus" HAMLET:
But that is precisely why she hates me,
she hates my Oedipus and all my other roles GERTRUDE:
You're too young to play Oedipus,
to understand Oedipus
How could any director cast a child? HAMLET:
I'm not a child
No longer am
nor have been for some time
my dearest mother GERTRUDE:
Ah but you are,
you are really still a child,
and you are playing Oedipus
but without ever understanding Oedipus
I know
but you won't listen
I have been in the profession for twenty-five years
even before you were thought of
before I had inspired your father into thinking of you
I was on the stage
bearing my soul
and I know
that you
are too young for Oedipus (SHE
STANDS BEHIND HIM AND RUBS HIS HAIR)
Ah Hamlet
listen to your mother
Why didn't you listen to your mother?
Even the Oedipus of Seneca
which is more difficult than Sophocles,
any good actor will tell you that,
that Seneca is always more difficult than Sophocles,
well even Seneca
would have been suicide
You should have listened to me
and said no
no to Oedipus
A part in the Chorus
yes
with Horatio
but no to Oedipus
Oedipus will destroy you
your whole career ruined before you've even started
A cataclysm
The promising career of a budding genius,
and this country badly needs a genius,
wasted!
What a waste Hamlet! HAMLET:
You've never wanted me to act (TO
HORATIO)
Not once has she encouraged me
she has been against it since the start
as was my father
they were both against it
Neither wanted me to act
but she
who has spent her life on the stage
what right has she got to tell me not to act? GERTRUDE:
More right than any
I've felt the pain of this life
on the stage
I've seen the horror
the implicit horror
which exists in every actor's soul HORATIO:
Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are dead (CLAUDIUS
CHOKES ON ANOTHER BIT OF TOAST) HORATIO:
Gone
we know
They were our friends HAMLET:
Play-mates (CLAUDIUS
COUGHS) GERTRUDE:(TAKES
THE PUTRID KIPPERS OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND THROWS THEM
INTO THE BIN)
Even kippers
when left too long
unwrapped,
uncanned,
can go bad HAMLET:
The last kippers are always thrown away GERTRUDE:
Yet in their time
they would last forever
Although transformed
they would last forever HAMLET:
Transformed into shit mother GERTRUDE:
Finally becoming a gas HORATIO:
methane gas GERTUDE:
which will rise HORATIO:
destroying ozone (GERTRUDE
PUTS THE KETTLE ON) HAMLET:
It is logical that Oedipus would be young
like me
just as it is logical that Oedipus' brother Creon
would also be young
younger than Oedipus GERTRUDE:
It's not a matter of logic
it's a matter of experience
What do you know of life? HAMLET:
After twenty-three years of hell
she asks me
what I know of life GERTRUDE:
Abominable ingratitude this HAMLET:
(ASIDE)
Complained the perfect mother HORATIO:
This is turning awful foul once more (CLAUDIUS
STANDS UP AND EXITS) HAMLET:
His morning movement HORATIO:
You're right
it's clockwork HAMLET:
Always after the fourth slice of toast
he goes always after the fourth HORATIO:
His bowels move on the fourth HAMLET:
No matter what time of day it is
it's always the fourth HORATIO:
the fourth slice HAMLET:
always the fourth slice HORATIO:
Which could be a theatrical asset (HE
WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HAMLET'S EAR) HAMLET:
No
he should never be convinced to join us on the stage
Should never be convinced to act GERTRUDE:
He knows that would be the end
if he did it would have to be the end
I could not live with an actor (SHE
LOOKS AT HAMLET)
with another actor HAMLET:
Mother
I'm a child
not an actor
I only act because I want to play
or
like Oedipus
because I want to play with my mother
my mother the actress GERTRUDE:
My dear
you have woken up in such a bad mood
Why don't you go lie down again?
I fear you can't have slept enough
that perhaps Horatio has excited you
with his stay
and that you haven't slept (SHE
EMBRACES HIM) HAMLET:
Don't touch me mother
please
you know I can't stand it
to be touched
in public
in front of Horatio HORATIO:
(TO AUDIENCE)
In front of you GERTRUDE:
And if Horatio were to touch you in front of me? HAMLET:
I would be equally
disgusted GERTRUDE:
Embrace him Horatio
Let's see how you caress his balls HORATIO:
You shouldn't talk like that
Mrs...
It does you offence
it really does GERTRUDE:
Oh
dear Horatio
I wish you'd get out of my fucking sight (HORATIO
LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT HAMLET WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD) (RE-ENTER
CLAUDIUS) HAMLET:
(MIMICKING HIS MOTHER'S TONE)
My dear Claudius
why don't you get out of my fucking sight (CLAUDIUS
RAISES AN EYE BROW AND LOOKS AT GERTRUDE WHO SHAKES HER
HEAD) (PAUSE) (CLAUDIUS
SITS DOWN) GERTRUDE:(TO
HAMLET)
When's your opening night then dear? HAMLET:(ASIDE)
Forgotten
she's forgotten again
How many times does she have to be told?
but she will always forget
just as she's always forgotten everything that was ever important
for me
And she will forget to come
on the night
she will forget
or something will crop up to prevent her coming
She's never seen anything
nothing that I've ever done on the stage
Can she really hate it so much?
Hate herself so much?
And she must hate herself
it's the only explanation
She hates me
so vehemently
because she hates herself
There is absolute hatred there
Her passion is completely motivated by absolute hate
of herself
and everything she creates
Like Midas
everything she touches
which seems like gold
is really unswallowable
until she dies of hunger
She's wasting away
undernourished
so weak
Her life
is
has always been
so profoundly futile GERTRUDE:
I'm an actress Hamlet
a real actress
don't forget it
I've made my living out of it
I've made my life like it
so I should know
and you should listen
I know you want to listen
I know you want to
you want to love your mother
deep down
but don't you think I love you
Hamlet
after all I have done
for you to call me a tyrant
Don't I deserve something better than that? HORATIO:
Oh
grief (CLAUDIUS
GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF BEER) GERTRUDE:
And now it's his turn to begin
Every day is the same
after breakfast
the beer
Why?
What have I done to deserve all this? HAMLET:
My father was the same
You do well to ask yourself
why
mother GERTRUDE:
What are you implying? HORATIO:
This is all a misery
one great misery (CLAUDIUS
SITS DOWN WITH THE OPEN BOTTLE OF BEER) HAMLET:
Don't you love him any more mother?
Don't you wish he was out now?
that he was gone?
Not to worry
this time it'll be easier
You're not married
Before you were married and the separation was more difficult
because neither of you wanted to give up the house
neither of you wanted that
so you stayed together
until he died
on a kipper
The doctor said it was his heart
that his heart couldn't stand the stress
and alcohol
but we suspect
don't we mother
that really it was the kipper
But you don't give Claudius kippers
could that mean that you're really fond of him mother?
more fond of Claudius than of my father (CLAUDIUS
DRINKS FROM THE BOTTLE) HORATIO:(ASIDE)
What he really wants to say
what he really wants to ask his mother
is why she always falls in love with arseholes?
Arseholes like Claudius HAMLET:
What I really want to do
is listen to music
to escape
When I listen to music I escape from all of this mother
music is one way out GERTRUDE:
You only say that to torment me
After all the sacrifices I've made for you
all you can do is torment me
When I wanted you to go to the conservatory you wouldn't go to the
conservatory
When I wanted you to study physics you weren't interested in
physics
but now
all you talk about is physics and music HAMLET:
There has never been a greater being than Einstein
Einstein was the greatest
Einstein and Bach GERTRUDE:
Ah
Bach
this week it's Bach
last week it was Monteverdi
last week Monteverdi was greater than Bach
which of course he wasn't
everyone knows that Bach was greater than Monteverdi HAMLET:
All relative GERTRUDE:
Everyone knows that the artists of the north are greater than the
artists of the south HAMLET:
Everyone in the north believes that
but not everyone
Some of us believe that the artists of the south were better
will always be better
than the artists of the north
And especially here in Denmark
where we are devoid of real artists
of great artists
there are no real great artists in Denmark
there never have been GERTRUDE:
A child
you're still a child
What do you know about art or music?
Why don't you listen to your own generation's music?
Why don't you live in the real world instead of living in the past?
You should listen to Górecki
Górecki is far more relevant to someone your age than Bach or
Monteverdi HAMLET:
Wrong mother
this quantum world is a Baroque age
more complicated than insipid minimalism
The art of the fugue
finds meaning again in our atomic souls HORATIO:
Our atomised souls GERTRUDE:
(TO HORATIO)
Fuck you
wisenheimer HORATIO:
(NERVOUS)
Well
music would be nice
Why don't we listen to some music?
any music
any music would be nice GERTRUDE:
Shut up you queer
and get out of my house (HORATIO
LOOKS AT HAMLET WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HOLDS HORATIO'S HAND) GERTRUDE:
You sicken me
both of you HAMLET:
Such mutuality is uplifting GERTRUDE:
So cocky HAMLET:
Mother
What's for breakfast? (PAUSE)
The kippers were off mother
and Claudius has eaten all the toast
every long last slice of it
devoured by Claudius HORATIO:
You're right Hamlet
we need music HAMLET:
Something to slash our wrists
to HORATIO:
Something sublime GERTRUDE:
There are cereals
Muesli
Corn Flakes
Take what you want HAMLET:
And the milk smells of kippers
I couldn't bear it HORATIO:
Yes
he's right
I had milk in my tea and it was unbearable GERTRUDE:
Then go out then
Breakfast elsewhere my darlings HAMLET:
Yes mother
we shall (HE
GETS UP TO LEAVE. HORATIO GOES WITH HIM)
Espresso coffee
and a croissant
in a café
by the harbour
Yes mother
we shall
We have a choice
It's so nice
so nice to choose
to have a choice GERTRUDE:
You're very lucky Hamlet
a pity you've never understood that
how lucky you really are
and what little right you've got to act so tragically
It makes you seem pathetic HAMLET:
Thank you mother (HE
TURNS TO THE DOOR. PAUSE. TURNS
BACK)
Oh
and mother
tonight
is our dress rehearsal
We open tomorrow
tomorrow night
I doubt I'll see you before
It would be nice to see you there
but I doubt it
don't you mother? (PAUSE. EXIT
HAMLET & HORATIO) CLAUDIUS:
I don't know how you do it
I don't know how you ever put up with all of that
I wouldn't
If he was my son he wouldn't get away with it
but you
you suffer it
for what?
As if you could never change it
As if you were destined for it GERTRUDE:
He's my son CLAUDIUS:
Of course
Of course he's your son
if he wasn't your son I wouldn't keep quiet
I wouldn't let him insult me
insult you
he insults everyone
even his Horatio
and I start to think that I'm the only one who can see it
And even though I do nothing
I can see his badness
He is rotten
in both mind and body
absolutely corrupt
I feel ill just being near him
and I know I shouldn't say this
he's your son
and I respect you Gertrude
but someone has to say
has to tell you
what they think about him
Some time
someone has to say these things
Unpleasant as they are
we must be frank
sometimes
And even though it's so difficult for you
you must look at him
and think about what others see when they look at him
And if I didn't love you Gertrude
I would tell you what I really think
what I really think about Hamlet
which would hurt you
it would have to hurt you
any mother would be hurt
if she really knew her son
If she could really admit to knowing her son
it would rip any mother in two GERTRUDE:
My son CLAUDIUS:
Don't you think it's hard for me
to have to put up with this co-existence
the off spring of your union with my brother
who I always hated
and who you know I always hated
But still you lie with me
as you lay with him
and sometimes I wonder
if you are avenging yourself on me
through my suffering
you will be avenged
because I can't see any other explanation for it
As if my brother's death were not vengeance enough
you must prolong your joy GERTRUDE:
Claudius
I love you
haven't I proven that CLAUDIUS:
In bed
everything is forgotten
You turn out the lights
and the world is different
You can imagine the world
the world you want
with the lights out
And when you make love to me
you squeeze my suffering out of me
and at times
yes
I've felt loved
but really
I know
you hate me
That you married my brother because you hated me
that you killed him
that you had me kill him
because you hated me GERTRUDE:
I don't hate you CLAUDIUS:
I've considered that too
that you don't hate me
that what you want is to "observe" me
to watch my suffering
objectively
from your distance
to watch me go under
you watched me watch my brother go under
and now
you're watching me go under
Powerless to stop myself
you know that now
The experiment is almost finished (HE
DRINKS)
I'm drowning (HE
DRINKS)
You would want our shared destinies to be written
that is why
that is the reason for all of this
You want me to write it all down
to immortalise you
which I will never do
I've never written one word about our relationship
not one word
And what could I write?
Do you really think that I would write what you want me to write?
Or do you want me to write the truth?
And when you were with my brother
you thought that I would write about you
About the torment of that relationship
About your relationship
About our relationship
But now you know that I never did
That I always looked for something else
anything else
to write about GERTRUDE:
You don't understand me
You think you do
but you don't CLAUDIUS:
You're a performer
a performer of written parts
You need it to be written for you
Wanted me
my brother
you wanted us
a family of writers
just because my father
and his father before him
were writers
Some of the most famous writers in Denmark
they were
Some of them
And just because of that
you thought we could write your part
Write it for you
for your family
who are a family of actors
For your son
my nephew
who is also a performer
a despicable-good-for-absolutely-nothing performer (PAUSE. HE
GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND GETS OUT ANOTHER BOTTLE OF BEER. HE OPENS
THE BOTTLE AND SITS DOWN.)
The world is full of performers like you
You and your kind are plentiful
You need to be created
poor sod
because you can't create yourself
Your longing for immortality sickens me GERTRUDE:(WEEPING)
Claudius! CLAUDIUS:
If you go to the study you'll see for yourself
I've destroyed everything
I'll never write again (PAUSE. HE
TAKES A PLATE. HE GOES TO THE RUBBISH BIN AND TAKES OUT THE KIPPERS
AND BEGINS TO EAT THEM.)
I'm sorry Gertrude
I loved you once
but a love like yours is unbearable GERTRUDE:
You wretch
You never loved me
You killed your brother
to possess me
To control me CLAUDIUS:
We cannot escape our destinies
anyone will tell you that
They all know how it's going to end
They all know the story
That this is a tragedy
There's nothing more tragic than us Gertrude
We are the most famous tragedy
Ask anyone GERTRUDE:
Claudius CLAUDIUS:
I'm going to lie down now
The kippers will soon take effect
They'll begin with the stomach
it will want to evacuate
I'll resist
my body won't save itself
not this time
I have no will to save myself
I know already that it'll be painful
I want it to be painful
to be agony
absolute agony
I really want it
To die a slow painful death
I deserve it (GERTRUDE
CLUTCHES HIS ARM)
Leave me go
I loved you once
if you love me
leave me go
I could never bare it
not to the natural end
It's better to finish it now
alone (HE
PULLS HER HAND OFF HIS ARM)
A kiss
Gertrude
A last tender kiss goodbye (HE
KISSES HER AND RISES) GERTRUDE:
No! (EXIT
CLAUDIUS. LIGHTS
FADE SLOWLY DOWN ON GERTRUDE WEEPING WITH HER HEAD ON HER
ARMS ON THE TABLE) END
OF ACT ONE. |