I would tell him that night. I would tell him everything. I didn't care if it broke us... if it broke him... It needed to be said and I wouldn't be able to live another day with myself if I didn't get it out. I know what I did was wrong, but not telling him was worse. Three weeks... I can't believe it's been three full weeks and still I haven't said a word. It wasn't like I was counting the days or anything, I just remember when it happened. Something like that is sort of hard to forget about.
And there I sat, a half gallon of strawberry ice cream propped onto my t-shirt-covered abdomen as I lay on my side on our couch, head leaning on my bent elbow and seeing but not watching the news program streaming from the television screen before me. There was an unused metal spoon hanging limply from my hand where it had been since I set myself down there about an hour before. I had planned to eat myself into an ice-headache and just forget I was alive, but things didn't go exactly how I'd planned them. I closed my eyes from the television's glare and let my head drop to the cushioned back of the couch. I let out a groan of frustration, letting all possible outcomes of the evening run through my mind. He could yell and scream and make a scene for the neighbors. Or maybe he would simply dismiss me from the apartment and tell me he wanted nothing to do with me outside our work. That's where he was now... working... always working.
I heard keys hitting the door knob outside the apartment door but didn't open my eyes. I didn't sit up to smile or greet him in any way, I simply stayed where I was, limp and unmoving. He made an amazing amount of noise when entering the room, quite obviously carrying his guitar case as well as many other bags and stacks of papers. He really should get more organized. There was a large thump as he dropped a stack of sheets and most of the rest of his load next to the still open door, but not the guitar case, never the guitar case. That, I knew, he'd be placing gently down on the kitchen table, it being too late to actually sit down and eat anything. The door was shut a bit more roughly than was needed and I heard him grumbling as he put the locks on.
He cleared his throat as he pulled his shoes off and padded into the kitchen, his socks making light noises on the carpet before he stepped onto the hard kitchen floor. The fridge opened and he rummaged around for a minute before I heard a soda can being opened. Caffeine this late? Nice dinner. He was back in the living room again, walking toward me, probably not seeing me yet but wanting to turn the television off. His steps stopped a few feet away and I knew he had spotted me. I heard his aging knees pop as he crouched down in front of the couch. A hand rose to my face and stroked my cheek in a loving manner before I heard him sigh. The sigh was followed by a short laugh and I felt the coldness on my lower stomach disappear as he stole my ice cream away. The spoon was slipped from my hand and he was away again, walking back toward the kitchen. I took this brief moment to smile visibly before settling my face back down.
Wait. No. I couldn't play with him like this. There was something I needed to say.
Yet, my feigned slumber continued as he returned to my side and whispered, "Toshiya, I'm not letting you sleep out here. Not tonight." I ignored him, of course. Nobody wakes up that easily. I could feel his hot breath on my face as he bent over and placed a small peck on my cheek then another and another until he was at my mouth. I clenched my eyes shut and pushed back against his wandering lips to signify that I had "awoken." I opened my eyes, pretending to let them adjust to the dim light of the room. He was smiling at me and in that expression, my heart tore. How could I have done this to him? He must have caught my sunken state in my eyes because he leaned forward again and planted a soft kiss on my unmoving lips "What's wrong?" he asked in the same whisper he'd already presented.
I shook my head loosely in response, knowing that I had to tell him. I needed to tell him. He slowly ran a hand from my cheek, around my shoulder, down my arm and then laced his overworked fingers through mine. He pulled my hand lightly to tell me it was time to get up off the couch. I didn't want to move. To tell the truth, I wanted to stay there forever and not have to face what I knew waited for me. I got up anyway and almost fell into his arms as he yanked me into an embrace. I don't know what had happened to him between the time I had left him at the studio and now but whatever it was, it sure had made him clingy. "Missed you," he said simply and I knew he was smiling. I wanted to break down and cry right there, but I couldn't. That's what everyone thought I would do in a situation like this but I kept it in. I would be the strong one.
My legs felt like they would give away when he stepped away from my body. I was scared. Who was I kidding? I could never be the strong one, not against him. I pressed my lips together harshly and turned my face away as he started leading me to the bedroom. I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry... "Toshiya?" I looked up, startled, into those beautiful, trusting eyes. 'Too trusting' I thought bitterly, hating every bit of myself. "Something's wrong, I know it." he said in that so-sure voice of his. 'It's true, something is wrong' I thought, unable to speak my words to him. I didn't want to hurt him.
"Kaoru..." I forced out, my throat tensing with the warnings of a sob. I closed my eyes and took a breath. "I'm just... tired..." I told him. Not a lie, but not the truth.
He smiled again and I closed my eyes from the expression. Who knew seeing someone smile could hurt so much? But it did. It tore me open inside, exposing all my dirty little secrets to the man I love so much. "Well, hey, let's get to sleep then," he suggested, pulling on the hand that he had not released. I followed, a sort of slave to his silent desires. More like a dog who can't help but follow his master. A dog. That explained me pretty well. A stinking, diseased mutt who abuses his master's love and does as he pleases.
He left me just inside the doorway to our bedroom while he returned to turn all the lights off and make sure everything was locked. He always worried like that. Sometimes I loved it when he worried about things... especially me. The whole residence became dark as he flipped the kitchen's overhead light off. I slowly leaned myself against the open door and lowered my head until my chin hit my chest. A dog.
And then he was there, right in front of me. My perfect, trusting Kaoru. He wound his arms around my waist and leaned forward, pushing his face into my chest. I didn't move. I couldn't move. Usually I would wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him even closer to me and that was probably what he expected because I felt him sigh and tighten his hold on my waist. "What did I do?" he asked, the question startling my nerves.
"Nothing," I responded, fighting off the need to clutch him to me violently as I confessed my every sin to him.
"Then why are you like this?" he asked, not lessening his hold any.
"I told you..." I started, only to be cut off my his biting, superior tone.
"Don't give me that," he snapped, voice muffled by my shirt but still sharp in tone. The words stung me even deeper than he knew or thought they would, "You're not tired. Something's on your mind."
I rose my head and turned my face to the window on the other side of our large bed. It was cracked open just an inch to let the night breeze in as it always was at this time of year. I didn't know how to respond to him... what I could possibly say to lessen the blow I was about to inflict on him. I closed my eyes, feeling his chest heave on my own. I slowly but gently pushed him away from me. This was something I thought I'd never do. In all the time we'd been together I had never pushed him away once. He looked up at me with eyes that emitted confusion as well as concern. I only barely saw them in the dim light coming from outside the window but I knew what he was asking.
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I walked to the bed and pulled my shirt off, throwing it to the floor at the end of the bed. I leaned to pull the blankets down and suddenly felt his cold hands on my back. I stood up at full height and swallowed dryly. He ran his hands from my shoulders to my lower back and traced those lines again before saying, "Just tell me."
I cleared my throat and shook my head. What was I doing? I had to tell him. "I..." I started, voice shaking just as much as my hands. He leaned forward and kissed my back lightly, then again and I felt myself giving in to my lies. I saw myself never telling him and living with the guilt until it ate me alive. "Kaoru... stop..." I pleaded, knowing it would be so much more difficult to tear apart our relationship if he was expressing his love.
He removed his lips from my skin but not his hands, hearing the pain in my voice. He grew very serious then. "What happened?" he asked in a no-nonsense tone.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again before shaking my head and turning to the bed. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, his serious glare watching my every movement. I slid myself smoothly under the blanket and turned away from him. Maybe if I didn't look at him, if he didn't see my face when I told him, he would think I did it to spite him and figure I never really loved him. Maybe he wouldn't be as hurt by it as I had thought originally. I didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary.
He hadn't moved. I knew this because he hadn't made a noise. And then, all at once, he was one me. He pulled away the blanket and turned me on my back fiercely before pinning my shoulders down under his palms and staring right into my eyes. I tried to look away but he released one of my shoulders to grab my chin roughly and pull my face back to align with his. He looked angry and determined but didn't say anything. His eyes were searching mine as if hoping to find the answer I kept myself from blurting right out.
He leaned forward, placed his cheek to mine and sighed, "Toshiya, there is nothing you need to keep from me, you know that." His soft, loving voice was right at my ear's entrance and when his hot breath hit me, my entire body shivered. "You know you can trust me..."
"It's not that..."
"...like I trust you."
"No," I immediately responded, "you can't trust a dog." The way I spat the word 'dog' disgusted even me.
He stiffened where he lay and his breath became ragged in my ear, "You're not a dog," he said softly.
"Kaoru..." I started but my voice was caught when he placed his lips to my hot skin again, now on my neck just below my ear. He trailed wet kissed down to my shoulder when he stopped to nip at my flesh. I wanted to shove him away, throw him from my body, still those hot kisses and just make him stop. But like usual, his touches kept me captivated.
He didn't allow me to speak again as he closed his mouth over my own and we engaged in a neat, loving kiss, the sort of kiss he loved the most. He slowly worked his tongue into my mouth where it was welcomed as always. We fell into routine, his mouth working over mine, a sensation that I never grew tired of. I was entranced, unable to react but to moan needily into his welcoming kiss. He took my moan as a sign to move further and slid one rough hand between our bodies, tenderly running his fingers over my skin. He made quick, one handed work of the tie holding my pajama pants up and slipped his skilled hand in.
I broke the kiss to let my head fall back in pleasure when his hand gripped my length tightly. I let out an unstifled moan of ecstasy as he slid his gentle fingers up my shaft, craving my response as I knew he did. I didn't disappoint him and moaned again as his movements sent shivers through my body. His lips were on me again, attacking my chin and neck. He was mumbling as usual and I only caught my name but this wasn't new. I remember the first time we'd made love, I had gotten scared by his mumbling, but now it was a comfort.
I moaned his name as he started stroking me harder. I couldn't help it. It was if he had magic hands. I started pumping my hips up into his fist on instinct and he made no move to restrain me. I loved how he always made sure my pleasure came before his. Suddenly, his hands were gone. I groaned in protest and heard him laugh lightly. "Sorry, love..." he mumbled just loud enough for me to hear before reaching up to pull his shirt off. He threw it in the direction of the door before grabbing the sides of my pants and sliding them down painfully slowly. I leaned my head up to watch him move. As he pulled his belt from their loops, I bit my lip with anticipation. Everything he did... every move he made was... perfect. My perfect, trusting Kaoru.
He pulled his jeans down quickly, lifting off the bed one leg at a time to discard them from his body. Now he kneeled between my legs in only his boxers, looking at me through eyes of burning lust. I sat up then, my eyes still locked with his and placed my hands limply on his shoulders. I ran my hands lazily down his shirtless form, causing goose bumps to raise all over his chest, until I reached the elastic band of his last remaining piece of cover.
He ran his tongue over his lower lip before pushing his hips forward, telling me silently to remove the shorts. I leaned down and pulled the cloth with me. He lifted his knees one at a time so I could pull the shorts away. As I rose back up to face him, I placed a single, soft kiss on the end of his erection. He groaned and waited for me to face him completely before pinning me back to the bed. He attacked my mouth roughly as he pushed his own aching groin into mine. We both moaned, the touch being almost too much to handle.
He sat up suddenly and leaned over me to the bedside table. I knew what he was going for. He rummaged through the top drawer frantically for a few seconds before I sat up, lifting his body with me and bent over to the table myself. It was right where I always put it, behind the small tin of nail polish. I grabbed it and pulled it from its designated living place and handed it to him. "Duraloob," he laughed taking the precious bottle from me, referring to the brand name.
He pushed me back down to the cushioned bed with another laugh and positioned himself between my legs. I rose my knees up as was usual to our sexual encounters and he leaned down again to place quick, short kisses on my lips. I heard the slick, wet sound of him preparing himself through the otherwise silent room and I was finding it rather difficult to restrain myself from yelling out the fact that I couldn't wait any longer. He trailed those hot, short kisses down my neck and to my chest as his still slick fingers found their way to my entrance. My hips pushed up on instinct when his digits entered me.
I didn't have to look at him to know he was grinning again. Not only did I feel his lips tighten on my skin but I knew that it was what he did whenever he got a response from me. He loved to know I was enjoying this as much as he was. I moaned loudly as a third finger joined it�s mates in me. Sometimes I thought I was only as loud as I was when we made love because it made him so happy. And he was surely happy now.
He pulled his hand away from me, figuring he'd worked me enough and leaned back up to kiss me again. It was the usual frantic sort of kiss meant to keep my mind off the task at hand. I could feel his member at my entrance and clenched my eyes knowing this feeling too well. I was too used to him, his size, his technique to be all that worried about the pain but it still stung. I allowed him to take over me with his sloppy kiss when he pushed into me slowly, pausing every few second to let me adjust, until he couldn't advance any further.
I broke our kiss again and let my head fall back. It hurt so good. I laughed lightly remembering how I'd tried to explain it to the older man once. 'It hurt so good.' "What's funny?" his voice broke through my thoughts, deep and demanding.
"Nothing," I replied, not looking at him. I pushed back against his invasion to tell him that he had to move. And move, he did. Slowly, ever so slowly, he pulled back out almost completely before pushing in again, moaning loudly about how tight I was.
"Ah... Totchi...." he groaned, pushing in again then returning to his regularly scheduled mumblings. I lifted my head to face him and froze. My body froze. It was if I had been paralyzed. He noticed my immediate stillness and looked down at me with concern. "Toshiya?" he asked, looking into my eyes. He stopped moving himself and swallowed hard, "Did I hurt you that bad?" I opened my mouth slowly and allowed my lip to shake a second before biting it hard.
"Kaoru... we can't do this..." I said sadly, turning my face from him in shame. "It's not fair to you."
I could almost feel his eyes narrow on me. "What are you talking about?"
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Now or never. Now or never. "I ... did something..." He leaned over and kissed my exposed neck gently as I probably knew he would. I moved my neck to dislodge him and said, "No, stop."
He groaned, pulling his face away and stated, "Don't do this to me now. I had a rough day. You were there, right?" I had been. Practice was horrible and he was easily irritated because he'd been up the night before working on... well, he never told me what it was.
He leaned to kiss me again but I pushed against his chest with both of my palms. "Please, this is hard enough." I was crying. I hated to cry in front of him, especially over something negative like this. Happy tears were fine... but this...
"Toshiya," he said breathlessly, obviously seeing my tears, "if this is something you can't keep bottled up, I suggest you tell me now."
I swallowed and made no move to clear my face of the salty tears or to face him. I shook my head, not believing myself. I had the nerve to cry. I ruined this. Me. Only me. "Please... just let me explain before you blow up, alright?" He must have known it was getting serious because his hold on my arms tightened briefly. I took a deep breath, letting my gaze fall on a small blue jewelry box on the dresser near the door and not moving it. "Three weeks ago, while you were away with Shinya for that interview, something happened between me and Die that you should know about."
He was silent. I knew he was trying to decide which unthinkable deed I had done. I wouldn't make him think about it much longer. "We went out drinking, and you know how I am, I just kept drinking and drinking and..." I paused to swallow again. "We went back to his apartment because neither of us could drive and we got to watching some movies. One thing led to another and when I woke up the next morning I was with him... in his bed..." I explained, purposefully keeping from him the part where the deed was initiated.
He didn't make a noise... I couldn't even hear him breathing and I was sure my own breath had stalled as well. I couldn't see him, I wouldn't see him, not with the way my head was turned and focused on the jewelry box. Just tell me, Kaoru, tell me to get out. Tell me to leave and that you'll pack my stuff for Kyo to pick up in the morning. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you despise the very sight of me. Tell me anything. Do something. Move!
"You slept with Die?" he asked in a low, dry voice. I nodded, the tears still sliding from my eyes in crooked trails down my cheeks. "Look at me," he demanded. I couldn't. I wouldn't. "I said look at me, dammit," he demanded again and reached out, grasping my chin tightly in his hand before making me face him. The eyes I found were hurt, hateful eyes. "You slept with Die?" he asked again, almost as if he didn't believe it.
I opened my mouth and gave him a simple "yes."
His jaw was set as he stared at me. "And you waited until now to tell me?"
"I couldn't..." I started but was cut off when he thrust upward into me roughly. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted him to take his anger out on me and hurt me. It's all I deserved.
"You couldn't what, Toshiya?" he growled slamming into me again, "You couldn't let me make love to you again knowing you'd been shared? You couldn't live with yourself knowing you'd betrayed me?" He continued his brutal assault but I couldn't hate the feeling. It was something I was too used to. I wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him that it wasn't having the effect he'd hoped for.
"Was it like this?" he asked, "Did he fuck you like this?"
"Kaoru..." I choked out, not allowing myself to cry for my broken trust anymore. I was low. Lower than low. I was a dog. A filthy dog.
"How then?" he stopped moving into me and stared at me, furious. I closed my eyes to destroy the sight of him, so angry, so broken. He leaned to me again and rested his head on my shoulder. I didn't move to hold him there. I knew he didn't want me to. His breathing was harsh and quick and I knew he was keeping at least most of his anger in. He loved me. He didn't want to hurt me. Slowly he lifted his hips to remove his length from my body, knowing this wasn't how it should be.
His shoulder shook with his sobs as the sound of his cries broke through the room. "Why?" he demanded.
I couldn't answer that. I honestly had no clue. "I don't know," I whispered through my tear-choked throat. And then I couldn't help it. I wrapped my arms around his form and held him to me as he shook. "I'm so sorry."
"I know you are," his muffled voice sounded. "I know you are. But it's not like you to do this. I thought you loved me. I thought I could trust you."
"I do love you," I said in a very low voice, "and you know that. We didn't plan for it to happen and it hasn't happened again since. It was a mistake."
"You bet your ass it was," he said roughly, his body shifting upward in what could have been either a scoff or a laugh but I wasn't sure which. "I... I don't know what to do..."
"Tell me to leave," I suggested, hoping against hope that he wouldn't take my advice on this.
He seemed to think this option over briefly. "I couldn't tell you to leave," he admitted. "Then I would be just as bad as you." He breathed out deeply and rose his head to look at me, "What did he say when he woke up?"
"I don't know," I shook my head. "When I woke up and saw where I was, I got out of there in hopes of him not remembering it happened and came back here."
"You haven't talked to him about it?"
"No."
He lowered his head again and coughed out a laugh. I wanted to smile with him but I refused to allow myself that pleasure. Not like this. "You are really something else, you know that?" I shook my head and sighed at his words. He looked up at me again, "What do you remember about it?"
"Don't ask me that," I spoke my thoughts out loud.
"I don't really think you're in the kind of position to deny me anything," he said strictly.
I sighed and told him, "I remember everything."
"Tell me." I looked at him as if he'd just told me he was suffering from a fatal illness. "Tell me," he repeated. I shook my head in denial and he repeated it once more. "You have to tell me."
"We were on the sofa after we got back, watching this really stupid comedy. He told me that I would have to sleep on the couch because he had a really small bed and it wasn't made for two people. I told him I really didn't mind and he left to get some extra blankets. So I started getting ready to sleep, you know, got a glass of water and took my shirt off and he came back and sort of stood there gawking at me. I was so drunk that I couldn't comprehend that I wasn't at home, that I couldn't go about the same habits as usual. He walked over and dropped the blankets to his feet, staring at me. I felt like an object, but I didn't care because I was an object of desire. It was like how you make me feel when you look at me. I guess that's why I didn't stop it once everything started."
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"Detail," he demanded lowly and I thought for a second that I had heard a bit of enjoyment in his voice.
"So there we were, facing each other and he rose his hands to my chest, running them up to my shoulder and down my arms..." I stopped suddenly as my perfect, trusting Kaoru did just that, ran his hands over my shoulders and then the full length of my arms.
"Go on," he insisted.
"I didn't stop him as he leaned in to kiss my collar bone..." he did that, too, making me shiver uncontrollably. What was he doing exactly? "He pushed his face up into my neck and mumbled something about not understanding why he wanted me so bad."
Kaoru's lips where on my neck again and he mumbled, "I love you, Toshiya."
"I just stood there, helpless to his touches because I knew they were wrong but they felt so good. He kissed his way up my jaw line and placed his lips to mine only briefly because I pulled away from his face. I couldn't let him kiss me, even if it went any further. My kisses are yours." He kissed my neck a few times before sliding his tongue up my jaw and kissing my mouth. I let him because the imitation of Die's actions was just that, an imitation.
"He looked at me in mild shock that I wouldn't let him kiss me but he hadn't yet decided what he was doing was wrong. He thought for a moment before guiding me backwards onto the couch. I didn't fight him because I wanted it. I admit, I wanted it so bad. He straddled my middle, pinning me back into the couch before leaning down again to lock his lips over one of my nipples." I paused as Kaoru shifted to sit on my stomach and bent to take one of my now hard nubs in his mouth. I bit back a moan, nothing like it was with Die. Die was so forceful but my Kaoru was gentle to the point of me craving a deeper touch.
"I just let it happen, and when his hands traveled down my chest from my shoulders I moaned out that I wanted more, that I needed more, wanted him in me. I think I shocked him because he froze where he was for a few seconds before shifting his weight down between my legs." Kaoru complied and I soon realized that even if I lied he would do just as Die "did." I understood what he was doing. He was taking the entire experience with Die, slapping a little Kaoru on it, and making it better than it ever was with the red head. And in this understanding I knew I couldn't lie about what happened. I wanted it to be better.
"He slid my pants down my legs slowly before lifting one of my legs up to his lips and kissing slowly toward my thigh." I gasped as Kaoru gently started his imitation, feeling as though I was addicted to those small, soft kisses of his. I had to collect myself to go on as his lips came to my upper thigh. "He ran his hands up my legs and around to my back, grabbing my ass and pulling me up to get me closer to him." When Kaoru did the same, I knew then that I would always prefer Kaoru's gentle hands to those of anyone else. "He ran his tongue up my dick like it was something he did often... like he knew it was exactly what I wanted because I swear that's what I was wanting him to do. Maybe I should stop," I offered, hardly able to get the line out as Kaoru imitated Die's actions.
"No," he said, finally speaking, "Keep going."
I swallowed and nodded, "He kept teasing me, biting the tip gently and running his tongue over every inch of me, knowing that I would eventually cry out that I couldn't take it anymore, that I needed him right then and there." I could hardly breathe as Kaoru nipped at the tip of my length. It was a feeling I enjoyed and I wasn't ashamed. "And it wasn't long before I was begging him to fuck me."
"Beg me," I heard him mumble.
"Kaoru..."
"I won't until you beg me."
I waited a moment before looking down into his lust-heavy eyes and spoke, "Please, Kaoru, fuck me. Fuck me raw and fuck me now." It was all he needed before dropping my ass from his hands, stretching back out over me and locking his lips to mine. It was a sloppy, gritty kiss but I didn't care.
"What did he do?"
"He stood for a moment to frantically pull his shirt over his head and almost ripped his pants when yanking them off. He leaned up over me and looked me in the eyes while he ran a hand down my front, and without much extra thought, shoved a finger into me." My Kaoru did the same, only better, unforced. I bucked back against his invasion, glad on some level that we might actually finish this business tonight. "He didn't prep me very well and I suppose it had something to do with the fact that he kept rambling about not being able to wait much longer. But before I knew it, he was pressing into me hard..." I stopped again as I realized that Kaoru was in me again, only he wasn't rough like Die. He did things his own way and I loved him for it.
"He didn't allow me to get used to the feeling of him in me before he started ramming me," but my beautiful Kaoru did. He always did. After he started pushing up into me, I knew he'd want me to finish the experience. "He looked so wild, like he needed to do this, like his body needed it. He grabbed my dick painfully and started jerking it upward but I didn't care about pain anymore. It felt so amazing to be treated roughly for once..." I stopped, realizing only after I had said it what I had said. I looked down at Kaoru who took a moment to blink a few times before looking up at me.
"You want to be treated rough?" he asked in a small, hurt voice.
I felt my heart break. Here, all this time, he had thought I liked the way he always was... gentle, caring, loving. And I did. I loved his touch more than any other. I had craved his gentle fingers the entire time I was with Die. "No," I said in an equally small voice, "No, I want your gentle touch. I never wanted anything else. It was just... different." I felt more than saw him sigh with relief. I knew he always wanted me to be happy. To find out I hadn't enjoyed his touch all this time would have destroyed him, I'm sure of it.
Then his hand went to my length and gently stroked upward, adding his own feel to the imitated experience. I dropped my head back and moaned loudly at the duel feeling of his hand on me and his own length pushing into my and then back out. His rhythm was slow, painfully slow, but I again found myself not caring. "Keep going," he said softly.
"There isn't much more to say, really," I admitted. "It wasn't long before he jerked me so hard that I came all over myself and him and a few slams later he was spent, too." I paused for a second, looking into the eyes of my love, the one who understood me, who loved me now even though I betrayed him and chuckled, "I guess I was just that good."
He was on my lips in an instant, forcing our tongues to scramble as he quickened his rhythm, plunging deeply into me. I could hardly restrain myself from giving over to the inevitable climax, convinced that I wanted him to finish before I was spent. I started mumbling again, as expected and buried his face in my neck. I could feel his lips moving against my skin and I loved the familiarity of it. Faster and faster, he went until his head snapped back and he cried out, "Toshiya, I can't wait any more, can't you just do it!?" I laughed. Here I had been waiting for him but he couldn't hold it anymore himself.
And in a matter of seconds, I came hard and long between us. He must have taken that as a sign and a blessing because a split second later I felt him emptying himself in me, screaming out my name as he did so. I decided not to lay there and close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of my own just passed release, instead to watch his movements with full attention. I never took my eyes off of him, my perfect, trusting Kaoru. His face was tipped away from me but I knew his eyes were closed and his mouth open in a silent scream. That's just how he was.
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"I'm sorry," I said softly after a few moments had passed.
He shifted his weight slowly before pulling out of me. I winced briefly then focused my attention on him again. He leaned over me to the bedside table and grabbed the box of tissues there. He silently proceeded to clean my seed from our stomachs as he usually did if he still had the strength. Sometimes he would just roll over and ignore the mess.
"Kaoru..."
"You made a mistake," he said flatly before tossing the soppy wad of tissue into the wastebasket by the door. "Everyone makes mistakes."
"Not like this. You must really hate me."
"I could never hate you, and you know that. Even if I felt that our relationship was ruined over this, I couldn't hate you. I love you too much to let one drunken fuck up ruin everything. And I know you love me, otherwise this wouldn't have eaten you up so bad. Some people would just go on with their lives and never tell the one they love about something like this. I admit, the hurt would have been less if you had told me ten years from now and I was sure you'd never do something like this again..."
I sat up abruptly, nearly knocking him from my lap and pulled him to me, wrapping us is a tight embrace, "I swear to you I will never do anything like this again. I am so, so sorry."
He was silent again. I was beginning to hate these long silences. I hated having to try to figure out what he was thinking. I guess I just wanted him to say something... anything... "Was I better?"
"You were," I nodded. "You are always the best."
I felt him sigh with relief and then his arms were around me, holding me to his bare chest. "I would surely hope so. I wouldn't want you to think you can find something better elsewhere."
"Never," I responded, knowing that I would never desire another person as much as him.
"And you have to talk to Die."
My head snapped up at this, "What?"
"You have to talk to Die," he repeated. "If he doesn't remember then he needs to know and if he does remember he needs to understand that it can't happen again."
"Do you hate him?" I asked worriedly.
"No," he said with a laugh. "He made the same mistake. Just don't go out drinking with him anymore." I laughed with him then and nodded, agreeing that I wouldn't. "Alright, Mr. �I'm just tired�, it's time to sleep." He slid off of me and retrieved the discarded blanket from the floor before laying down on the bed.
I snickered lowly before settling down next to him, laying my head down on his shoulder. "I really was tired."
"Sure," he agreed sarcastically. "Just go to sleep."