Making His U.S. Debut: Paul!

When Tom Hanks had to cancel a scheduled interview with a very famous bearded, balding man behind a desk with lots of blue cards with questions on them, the show's producers scrambled to replace him. When even Mr. Pauly Shore and Mr. Chris Elliot turned them down, they settled for Paul. Here's is part of the interview transcript:

Name?
"Paul Wolf."

Nightwatch alias?
"Flip."

Place of origin?
"'Sconsin."

Another one, eh? Do you consider yourself a prototypical Wisconsinite?
"No, not at all, actually."

Why not?
"I don't seem to meet the common criteria necessary to be a resident."

What are some of these criteria?
"Well, there's that whole Packer thing, with the Viqueens and the Bears still sucking and all. Then there's the obsession with cheese. And on a related note, the beer belly is a sign of virility."

Is there anything you do match up with?
"I do like a good brat and a Miller, I prefer sheepshead over euchre, and I'd put the performing arts scene here up against any other city."

How delightful. Marital status?
"Married to Alex with daughter, Chloe."

And they're both way more talented than you are, correct?
"Yes, without a doubt."

Occupation?
"Security professional."

And what does that entail?
"I assess different facets of corporate security, from administrative to physical and even technical."

In layman's terms?
"I figure out how to break in to your company, then I tell you how to stop me."

My word. How "Ocean's Eleven" of you. What is your contribution to the group?
"That's a good question...um...uhh...hmmm...uhhhh, I got nothing."

Any hobbies or other interests?
"I like watching movies, cooking, and being one of the few Caucasian men with rhythm."

What would you say is your most defining trait?
"Almost always being late for something. What can I say? It's a gift."

Your favorite game?
"'Being Agador Spartacus'; that's where I faithfully serve the ladies in my household. We play every day."

Favorite word?
"Improvise."

Least favorite word?
"Can I do a phrase instead? 'Be quiet!!!'"

I imagine you hear that one a lot. Occupation you'd most like to attempt, besides your own?
"Mattress tester...I like naps."

Occupation you'd least like to do?
"Anything involving being hit repeatedly with a 2X4. I tried that, and after three weeks and 59 concussions, I decided that this wasn't for me. Never again..."

Favorite curse word?
"$%#&@*!&@^#%$^#&@*!*@&#^$#%#^@&!*@&#^$#%#^@^&!*@&#^$%$^#&@*!*#&$#^%$%#^#&@*!&@^#^%$%#^@&! Oh sorry, that was a run-on sentence, wasn't it?"

We'll let it slide this time. Finally, if Heaven exists, what do you think God will say as you arrive?
"Nothing. He'll probably switch off all of the lights and pretend He's not home."

Back to back, belly to belly...