The Nightwatch Picayune
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In a landmark turn of events, the DA’s Office has just released a three-sentence indictment, results of their six-month investigation of Matt “Stik” Martin. Charges levied against Martin revolve around his alleged financing and participation in an underground sock puppet fighting ring. In the indictment, Martin is accused of obtaining and maintaining a storage area for the puppets, transporting them in and out-of-state for the purpose of fighting, and inhumane care and disposal of the sock puppets once their services were no longer required.
Martin, free after posting bail of $5.62, had no comment. His attorney issued a short statement, claiming that Martin “will be completely cleared of all counts found in this indictment. The ‘witch hunt’ by the District Attorney has clearly targeted my client unfairly. During the upcoming trial, we will prove that all he did was purchase and refinish a dresser, wear socks on a daily basis, and throw away his socks when they were worn out.”
Upon hearing of the indictment, local hosiery rights activists immediately made plans to protest each and every Nightwatch gig until the trial. “We cannot stand by and do nothing while poor, defenseless tube socks are abused so heinously,” stated Agnes Dumkowski, chairperson of the Department Of Righteous Care for Stockings (DORCS). When asked how this would affect their upcoming shows, representatives from Nightwatch seemed unconcerned. “The protesters might distract me if they’re hott,” explained Nooge. Flip added, “Nothing’s going to bother us, except for Matt’s socks. He does abuse them – I don’t think he ever washes them. They smell. They smell bad.”
- Letters To The Nightwatch Webmaster -
--L. Ulrich checks in with a question: "I just checked out your site, and it's pretty wicked, man. One thing, though...you're missing the most important part of any ^#@&@%! band - the drummer. We rock the hardest, we party the hardest, and we're the best looking. It would really fill out your sound if you had one. So what's up with that?"
You've touched a nerve with that one, actually, but after countless hours of therapy and the recent weaning from our security blankies, we can talk about it. We've had vocal percussionists (or mouth drummers, if you prefer). We've had many VPs. Going back to our birth in 1998, there have been 17 members of Nightwatch, twelve of them of the beatboxer variety. Some have been one-gig-and-out deals, but there were five that attained "permanent until the day you die" membership status. Problem was, that day came way too early for those poor souls. We lost our first mouth drummer, Billy "Play That" Flugelstein, when he was electrocuted by the dangerous combination of microphone and spit during a soundcheck. Then came Rico "Suave" Berkowitz, who perished in a hotel pool when he went into the deep end sans water wings...he always was a daredevil. Next up was Morris "The Feline" MacDougall-O'Brien, who met his untimely demise when he heard a suspicious noise in his basement while alone one dark and stormy night. Instead of calling for help, he naturally undressed down to his skivvies and went down to see what was going on. The suspect (a man wearing a flowing black garment and a hockey mask, with a hook for one hand and knives as fingernails on the other) is still at large. Then there was Tony "Oh" Antonio, who lit up a Pall Mall while relighting the pilot light on his stove. The last one was Dave "Lemon" Gello III, whom we lost during a performance of his Wile E. Coyote impression, complete with anvil, rocket skates, and bat wings. Since then, we have all agreed not to hire a VP, for the good of all mankind. However, we are on the lookout for an exorcist and/or witch doctor, so if you know one, send us his/her number. Thanks.
--Sophia from the Shady Pines nursing home near Miami FL writes in and asks “You bajagaloops crack me up! How did you guys get started?”
Good question, Sophia. Once upon a time, long ago, in a hotel lobby far away, two of us were ripped out of our minds. I mean, we were totally trashed. That’s when we decided to form a new group, dedicated to truth, justice, and $2 pitchers of beer for all. The other two members were added, barbershop songs were chosen, and we prepared for world domination. Yeah, that plan didn’t get far. We weren’t going to be the next great Barbershop quartet, but we weren’t dead yet. Thanks to the short-lived Show Package Finals experiment at our District contest, we developed the now-infamous Diner Set©. People dug it, so we moved away from the Barbershop contest realm and into more contemporary a cappella, with a twist of musical theater and just a hint of comedy. Shaken, not stirred. Since then, we’ve created the Garbageman Set©, written and performed songs on the fly, done some improv on our shows, recorded a CD and a track for an Indie flick, sung in the Harmony Sweepstakes Finals, and performed across the continent. And you know what the constant has been for these past 7+ years? Those same two guys are still inebriated.
--More viewer mail. This is from Raymond in NJ; he writes: "Hi guys. Love your stuff. I think you are very funny, regardless of what my wife tells me to think. I do have a question for you: I have twins at home, and I was wondering if you have any ideas as to how I can get them to sleep more. If it works on my mother, too, that would be an added plus. I think my dad and brother would appreciate that as well. Anyway, thanks a lot."
Well, Ray, let's take problem number two first. Our CD, "Songs We Almost Learned", is an excellent pest repellant. In clinical tests, it has eliminated insects, arachnids, nosy neighbors, telemarketers, and spammers promising a lower mortgage rate or a free X-Box. We would highly recommend buying a copy and playing it ad nauseum. You’ll never see her crossing the street to bother you again. As far as your twins, you may want to just stay with us, as a major Nightwatch project is in the works. Think BetaMax…think LaserDisc…now scratch those thoughts and think DVD…yes, us on a DVD, boring your kids into a state of unconsciousness that lasts six to eight hours. The anticipation is building…stayed tuned to this Nightwatch channel for updates…
Got a question for Nightwatch? Of
course you do. Send it here: [email protected]
--A
classic column, worth reprinting…
I tried bending a spoon but it didn't work.
You've seen it before. Old pictures of a guy who bent a spoon with his mind. I
thought, I've got a pretty strong mind. I set the spoon
on the kitchen counter and concentrated real hard. Nothing happened so I kinda scrunched up my eyes and clenched my jaw real tight
and held my breath. That darn spoon didn't even move. Then I closed my eyes and
pictured the spoon bending. When I opened my eyes, I couldn't remember what
position the spoon was in, so I took out a magic marker and outlined the spoon
on the counter. I closed my eyes and tried again, but that crazy spoon didn't
budge. By this time, I was in a rage. I grabbed that spoon and tried bending it
with my hands, but gosh darn it, that was one strong
spoon. Maybe I was crazy with anger but I threw that spoon as hard as I could.
It bounced off the cupboard and hit me in the eye. Now I can't see and my wife
is very mad at me for drawing spoons on the countertop. The moral to this story
is, it's hard to keep your spouse
happy.
--Farley Hassenpheffer, Guest Columnist
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Let's Start Over Again, Shall We?
