so something has happened. something in the past. something so powerful, that it has forever altered the future. you see, basing my discoveries on principles set forth by the wonderful back to the future films, i've noticed that they speak worlds of wisdom. something has happened i assure you. now, this future altering event is unknown to most of the world. to them, time is as it always was. the past present and future has never changed to them. and the events occuring from now on are the events that are meant to happen. but to a few select individuals witnessing this time altering event, the entire world they know is changing all around them. the past remains the same up until the time of this event, from then on there is a skew in the space-time continuum and the future has changed in ways once thought unimaginable. george mcfly is dead, emmitt brown has been committed, and she married biff tannen. biffco rules the world. the future has changed. this is not the way it was meant to be. what happened to the love story? did that magical kiss during earth angel even happen? will doc be stuck in 1885 forever?
time can only tell
i should apologize for my last entry here... may 29, 2002 was extremely depressing, but may 27 was pretty neat. playing wiffle ball in the streets of temple city allowed me to feel something i haven't felt in a real long time. fun! i really hadn't had that much fun in what seems like forever. thank you to all who participated, and made that day bright for me. my days are getting slightly better. but you still make me vomit. my previous entry is still down there, if you'd like to dive in. i really hope this is the worst time of my life. i never want to feel like this. im fucking twenty. what does that mean? i haven't a clue. next topic. my demo is coming along pretty swell. i've got about six tracks that i'm satisfied with, complete. a bunch that are complete and not satisfied with, thousands that are half done, and millions that i've just begun. i think i've got about seven more to go. it's gonna take me forver. i hope you like it. hmm, not much to say. i'm leaving to san francisco in about 45 minutes? an hour? haven't packed a thing. i think i'll beg for change. sleep in the van. it's gonna rock. i need to get the hell away from here. you don't know how this feels. ah crap, i'm starting again aren't i? hmm.. today is flag day. it used to be so much more. summer doesn't mean as much as it used to. i used to love it. i lived for it. now it's just hot. nothing can ever come close to that one summer. wow. summer and you are all i need, to get my heart up off it's knees.
so what can i say??? i hate my life. i really do, i am about to vomit as i type this? why am i being so honest? the bathroom is so far away. i really hope i do not vomit. i can't stop thinking about her. why doesn't the pain go away? why is there not one moment in the day where i don't think about her? how could she? on the same night she was talking to me. so what if he can play blackbird? can he play julia???? he probably can.. he is such a better guitar player than i am... but why? it's just not fair i tell ya! holy crap. i'm so alone and lonely and alone. i don't think i have any close friends anymore, besides my guitar. if ANYONE knows me well, it sure is my guitar, or my dog. that is very depressing. i'm tired of keeping everything to myself. but no one wants to listen. my birthday was like my holidays, very very sad. the day of may 29th 2002 really made me feel how alone i really am. i had dinner with 3 of my family members, and then was ditched by friends. i cried my eyes out then went to bed. this is the normal routine. it's come to the point when coworkers ask me "are you disgruntled again?" geez. i hate this. i say this a lot. it's all part of the plan though, i anticipated all of this. if things keep going the way they do, i SHOULD end up happy in the end. right now though, it's all gone to shit. sigh sigh sigh. does she know what she's doing? i can't change the way i feel, but sometimes i wish i could. i wish i was an asshole, then i wouldn't care at all. just another girl. i don't think anyone understands me. nobody knows the love we shared. i don't think most people come close to feeling that way even once in their lives. i don't think she understands this. she'd rather run away. how often do two people come close to feeling this way? i think it's very slim. people tell me to move on, they tell me i can do better. truth is, NO ONE is as appealing as she was. nobody comes close to being that beautiful. i already know this. what's the point in looking? i see thousands of pretty girls every day. i work at an amusement park, and go to school with them. i talk to many girls. she's pretty i guess, but the same thing is wrong with her that's wrong with all of them-- she's not her. not one has ever comes close. she was my best friend, now i have none. why am i being so honest? no one is going to read this, nobody cares. i'm not going to kill myself, but i might as well. i can't kill myself though, i have to write songs. and go to school, so i can get a low paying musician job. i think the reason i'm frustrated with school, is that the only reason i wanted to go, was to have a back-up job, so that we wouldn't starve to death. she's the only reason i ever did anything. i think somehow strangely, she is the reason i still do it all.. holy crap, i just read what i wrote. please don't pay any attention to it. please don't get me any more professional help. i'm just very very smad. and i need to vent, because i don't have anybody to listen to me. why am i such a crybaby? i still mean it all though, damnit i hate i hate i hate. the only thing that can bring any ease to me is music. music, i devour records daily. i try to keep the music going as long as i can. i think my best friends are sloan and grandaddy cd's. they are always there for me. they let me cry to them. they let me sing along. they sing the songs i wish you would sing to me. so what if i'm deaf by the age of 34? it won't matter, if things continue this way, i'll be long dead by then. "take out the part that breaks my heart!" "you can't wear your heart on your sleeve, if you're only going to leave" "this is beginning to hurt" "everything beautiful is far away" "crush, i'm breaking under the crush". she doesn't care she doesn't care she doesn't care. i don't know what i'm talking about. usually when i design a web page, it's somewhat well thought out, and organized in some way. but i'm just babbling. because i'm pissed, and melancholy. i threw my guitar the other day. i never ever ever do that. i was extremely mad. a small chunk of it went flying off. i apologized to my guitar, she didn't deserve that. she's the only one who's been there for me whenever i need her. and i treat her like shit. my family and friends are absolutely beautiful. i don't deserve them, or any of the great things i got for my birthday. i still didn't get the only thing i wanted. i don't deserve them. i don't deserve anything. you'd think being alone for so long would toughen me up a bit. i think when i'm mad it does. but i'm rarely mad. reaplce the m with an s, and you've got it. that's my daily feeling. i hate just sitting here and dreaming about you, and knowing that you think nothing about me at all. this hurts more than anything in the world. please don't let me feel this way ever again. who am i talking to? who are you? nobody comes here! why would anybody read this far? what's the point? i think the point is: you can still make me vomit, and i love you for that. i think i'll end with smoking popes lyrics
taken from "pretty pathetic", by the smoking popes...
She had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn't just go away
You can't just turn it off
Unless she was lying all those times
But I don't think so
I really don't think so
The way she used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word cool
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through his words that night
The ugliest night
here is some sad artwork i made on my birthday
