So You Wanna Date My Little Girl, Bub?
     By Amythyst

   
      DISCLAIMER: Angelo, Jubilee, Everett, Paige and Wolverine belong to
      Marvel. Princess Woofie belongs to me, and anyone who tries to take her
      will feel my wrath. The application is a *slight* (read: plagiarized)
      variation of a form that one of my friends received from his girlfriend's
      mother, and the answers are a modified version of the obscene responses we
      came up with after a night of extreme silliness. Feedback is appreciated,
      but flames will be ignored.
      RATING: PG-13 for some innuendo and one or two naughty words. If that kind
      of thing offends you, well, you've been warned.
      NOTE: ~ denotes text appearing on the computer screen ~



      Angelo sulked as he entered the computer lab at Xavier's School for Gifted
      Youngsters, leaving little globs of green gelatin in his wake. "Chica's
      getting way out of control," he grumbled to himself. He trudged across the
      room and squished out of his sneakers as he sat down at one of the many
      computers.
      For the last week, Angelo and Jubilee had been embroiled in a practical
      joke war. It all started when he kidnapped Jubilee's favorite stuffed
      animal, Princess Woofie, and held it for ransom until Jubilee agreed to do
      his chores for a week. Even though she had eventually gotten the fuzzy
      pooch back (after receiving several Polaroids of the bound-and-gagged
      animal), Jubilee had been livid that Angelo had put one over on her.
      So she retaliated. It started out small -- dropping his books down the
      laundry chute right before biology class, writing a phony love letter from
      Paige -- nothing he couldn't handle. Angelo, of course, countered by
      putting blue food coloring in Jubilee's skin lotion and writing a phony
      love letter *to* Paige.
      But Jubilee wasn't about to let Angelo win the war that easily. And Angelo
      realized too late that he shouldn't have been surprised when he suited up
      for battle only to find that his boots were filled with lime green jello.
      And because his boots had been in the guys' locker room, he knew that
      Jubilee would have needed help getting into his things. Angelo suspected
      Everett as Jubilee's accomplice. The two had always been best friends, but
      ever since they had started dating a few weeks ago Jubilee had managed to
      corrupt him into helping her with pranks.
      Angelo booted up the computer and logged into the school's email server.
      He was about to check his own mail when he stopped. The youngest member of
      Generation X would *never* pass up an opportunity to gloat. Angelo knew
      that Jubilee would be smug in her victory, and because Everett had
      probably been a party to her scheme, he thought that maybe she had written
      something about it to Everett.
      "OK, now what would Ev use for a password?" Angelo wondered. He doubted
      Everett would be too original so he tapped out a few permutations:
      Xaviers, SnowValley, GenerationX, XMen, Jubilee . . . nothing. He thought
      for a minute, typed another entry, and was rewarded with access to
      Everett's email account.
      Angelo was expecting to see a gloating account from Jubilee about Angelo's
      squishy shoes, but there was only one new message -- and he could not
      believe who it was from.
      "Que? Why would Se�or Logan be writing to Everett?" he wondered, watching
      the cursor blink on the screen. "Only one way to find out." He clicked on
      the message link and opened the file.
      There was no message on the screen, but there was an attachment.
      "Figures," Angelo thought as he downloaded the document. Wolverine was not
      known for being especially chatty.
      A huge grin spread across Angelo's face as he looked at the screen before
      him.
      ~ APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE JUBILEE ~
      ~ NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
      accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving
      record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug
      tests) from your doctor. ~
      Angelo rubbed his hands together in that evil manner that people always do
      in anticipation of doing something particularly devious. "Jubecita, I
      think I've found my payback."
      He began reading the text on the screen before him. The first part of the
      application looked fairly bland and innocuous. Well, he'd fix that,
      wouldn't he? He considered the first question:
      ~ NAME: ~
      He decided that his good buddy Ev was way too uptight and deserved an
      interesting nickname to spice things up a little. He scratched his
      stubble, trying to think of the most inappropriate answer. After a minute,
      Angelo grinned and typed.
      ~ Everett "Everlast" Thomas ~
      "That ought to get Se�or Logan's attention," he thought smugly. The next
      item wasn't any more interesting:
      ~DATE OF BIRTH: ~
      Angelo started to type, then paused. No need to give Logan too much info
      -- he might use it to try to track Ev down later. Angelo decided the
      generic approach was best.
      ~ Nine months after date of conception ~
      There. Still truthful without giving too much away. On to number 2:
      ~ HEIGHT: _________ WEIGHT: ____________ ~
      Angelo smirked at the dirty thoughts that flew into his brain, then tried
      to shake them off. There was no way he'd do *that* to his friend. Then he
      remembered Everett's highly possible role in Jubilee's latest prank. The
      dirty thoughts returned with a vengeance, bringing a few of their friends
      and relatives along for the ride.
      He tapped out his answer on the keyboard:
      ~ HEIGHT: 18 inches -- layin' down, baby! ~
      ~ WEIGHT: Only until the second date. ~
      "Wait until Wolverine sees *that* one," Angelo laughed. "Jubes'll be 30
      before Wolverine lets her go on a date!"
      "OK, what's next on the list?" Angelo asked himself. Humph. Not much he
      could do with an acronymn. But he'd give it a shot anyway.
      ~ I.Q.: The 9th and 17th letters of the alphabet. ~
      Not great, but not bad, either. He went on to the next one and cracked a
      smile as the dirty thought demons came back from their break. "Was Everett
      ever a Boy Scout?" Angelo wondered. "He sure acts like it."
      Angelo didn't know how the scout ranking system worked. No matter. He'd
      just improvise.
      ~ BOY SCOUT RANK: Troop leader's "special friend." ~
      Angelo laughed at loud as he imagined Wolverine's reaction. Who knew
      getting revenge on Jubilee would be so entertaining? He made a mental note
      to break into Everett's email more often.
      ~ Do you have one male and one female parent? If no, explain. ~
      "Only since the operation in Sweden," Angelo typed, grinning like an
      madman. He hoped that Ev's parents never got hold of this information. He
      liked Ev's family -- he really did -- but this was just too easy. On to
      the next question.
      "How many years have Ev's parents been married?" he wondered. "He's
      sixteen, so his parents must have been married for about . . ."
      ~ Three years. The ceremony was lovely. ~
      "OK, I trashed his family enough. Now on to the fun stuff." Angelo cracked
      his knuckles and poised his fingers over the keyboard.
      ~ Do you own a van? ~
      "Yep, big enough to sleep two."
      ~ A truck with oversized tires? ~
      "Not since I totaled it trying to get away from the cops."
      ~ A waterbed? ~
      "What d'ya think's in the back of the van?"
      ~ Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring or a tattoo? ~
      "All of the above, but only where the sun don't shine."
      Angelo was really getting into this now. He smirked. Forget dating --
      Jubilee would be lucky if she didn't spend the rest of her life locked
      away in a convent! "And now, chicos y chicas, we enter the essay portion
      of the exam." He read the next question aloud.
      "In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?" Angelo grinned evily.
      "It means I have thirty seconds to get out of the country before I get
      skewered by adamantium claws," he typed.
      ~ What does 'don't touch my little girl' mean to you? ~
      By this time, Angelo had decided that it was unfair to limit the innuendo
      to Logan's bratty sidekick. "Oh, you want me all for yourself, do you?"
      Angelo cackled madly as he typed. He would show Jubes that there was only
      one master prankster in Snow Valley.
      Angelo looked at the next question and paused. The dirty thought demons
      inside his head turned at each other and scratched their heads in
      confusion. "In 50 words or less, what does 'abstinence' mean to you?" Hmm.
      How should he answer this one? So much potential, so many possibilities.
      But what to do?
      An idea formed in Angelo's mind as he spotted the dictionary on the corner
      shelf. He snatched the book and flipped it open to the correct page, then
      began typing.
      ~ Abstinence is a fibrous mineral formerly used for making fireproof
      articles and in building insulation and is now known to be a carcinogen.
      But don't worry -- abstinence will have nothing to do with Jubilee. ~
      Ah, he could almost hear the convent doors slamming shut.
      Angelo stretched back in his seat. Only a few questions to go, but these
      would require a little more . . . creativity.
      ~ Church you attend: ~
      "What's the one where all the men have 50 wives?" he responded.
      ~ How often do you attend? ~
      Angelo thought for a minute. "Whenever the voices tell me to."
      ~ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
      priest/rabbi/minister. ~
      "Whenever they're all sober at the same time -- call first."
      Angelo stared at the final question on the screen. This was the grand
      final�, and he only had one shot.
      ~ The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is: ~
      Angelo threw up his hands in frustration. "Only ONE? How the hell am I
      supposed to narrow that down?"
      Then he saw the newspaper on top of the recycling box. "What don't I want
      you to know about? How about . . ."
      ~ My three months as a White House intern. ~
      Angelo leaned back on his chair and smiled. All that was left was the
      disclaimer.
      ~ Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
      processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
      not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
      application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your
      application is rejected, you will be taken on an all-expense paid trip to
      Claw City (You might want to watch your back, bub).
      ~Do you still want to date Jubilee?:
      _____ Yes, please accept my application
      _____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house . . . ~
      Angelo checked yes as he shook his head. A guy would have to be crazy to
      mail this trash to the least stable member of the X-Men. Good thing *his*
      name wasn't on it. He pushed the "send" button and logged off of Ev's
      email.
      Angelo shut down the computer and exited the computer lab, feeling *much*
      better than he had before. This was one prank that his two younger
      teammates would never forget.
      * * * * *
      "Is he gone?"
      ". . . I think so."
      The door to the computer lab creaked open as Jubilation Lee and Everett
      Thomas cautiously made their way inside. Jubilee dragged another chair
      over as Everett booted up the computer to access his email.
      "Do you think it worked?" Jubilee asked.
      "We'll know in a minute," Everett answered as he typed in his password and
      clicked on his outbox.
      "St. Louis? That's your password?"
      "For *this* account, yeah. I figured it was something Angelo might try,
      but not something too obvious."
      Jubilee peered at the screen over Everett's shoulder. They burst out
      laughing as they read Angelo's answers.
      "Ange, you don't know how much trouble you got yourself into," Jubilee
      said, still laughing and holding her stomach. "I'll show *you* who's the
      best practical joker around here."
      Everett erased his name from the top of the application and replaced it
      with Angelo's. "What's Wolverine's real email address?"
      Jubilee reached over him and typed it in, and Everett sent the form to its
      correct destination.
      Everett leaned back and looked at his friend. "Jubes, I know you wanted to
      get back at Ange, but don't you think this will backfire on you when
      Wolverine reads it?"
      "Nah, I told him all about it already," she said. "He's gonna go along
      with it. He loves anything that gives him an excuse to scare the hell out
      of someone."
      "Besides," She added, "this distracted Ange long enough for me to fill his
      pillow with chocolate pudding and glue everything in his room to the
      floor."
      Everett grinned. "If only you'd use your powers for good."
      * * * * *
      The next day . . .
      "Hola, Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Qu� pasa?"
      "GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR" [*SNIKT*]
      "Uh, is that you, Se�or Logan?"
      "So you want to go out with Jubilee, bub?"
      Logan laughed out loud as he heard Angelo faint on the other end of the
      line.
      THE END