Bloody
Big Fish
[Rating: General
···
Length: Long ···
Genre: Futuristic Sci-fi Humor
···
Word count: 3791···
Completed: No]
Character Sketches: [ Ao
· Keller
· Onya
]
Ok then...Onto the story!
Chapter one: the beginning of stuff (with new added stuff!)
Deep within the deep walls of the citadel, a giant structure
that dominated the rough escarpments of Aldevera, four
people sat about the table of government. Yes, they are
actually humans. The year is 5000 and we have evolved
somewhat, with a little help from science.
We now have two fingers and toughened skin instead of
inefficient fingernails. Instead of a waist, we have developed
petioles like that of an insect. Our nose has been abolished
altogether and replaced by a similar organ on our tails.
Yes, tails. They’re very useful you know, due to a superior
bone structure as dexterous as a hand and as strong as
a leg.
We owe all these wondrous improvements to the Snrub machine.
Snrub was a computer (that sadly went insane after watching
2001, a space oddesy and idolizing HAL…oh well) who was
all of humanities’ greatest minds rolled into one. He
(he liked having a gender) had invented many useful machines
(Hair-extenders, apple peelers, warp speed flight, Automatic
chocolate maker etc.) the most famous of which the evolution
advancer. Despite the bizarre demise of its creator, it
still sits below the citadel, increasing human evolution
generation by generation- and it makes really good coffee.
Anyway…the representative of STVR®. Signus Keller 231,
stood to address his audience. About 38 years of age,
his face showed a lifetime of smirking. Had it not been
for his self confident, bordering on psychopathic look,
he may have been handsome. May.
“STVR® has a request. As you know we care only of the
survival of huma-” His clipped, well pronounced tones
were interrupted by the president’s slow drawl.
“Save me the STVR® mantra. What to you want?” Keller managed
to suppress his anger at this interruption and, with a
small twitch, continued.
“As you are no doubt aware, the esparimus virus is becoming
more and more a threat. It is only due to STVR® that we
have a cure at all, yet you will not let us attain enough
of the essential compound to mass- produce it. We need
a permit to yet again begin fishing carp.” Voice shuddering
on the words ‘fishing’ and ‘carp’ Keller scowled.
“Mr. Keller, you know I can’t do that. Surely there is
another way to get this whatsit-”
“Compound, sir, Glaxen5.”
“Whatever- without threatening an already endangered species
of fish.”
Keller twitched again. This man who represents us cares
about fish. Fish. God I hate fish.
“Can’t we just import this glax-thingy from somewhere?”
“We aren’t that rich. Our greatest assets are the production
of entertainment systems, and they do not retain the greatest
profits.”
Bloody nintendo, Keller thought. Give me two minutes with
Mario. Just two minutes.
“Mr. Keller, are you even listening?” Keller blinked,
torn away from one of his favorite killing Mario fantasies
involving a rather large grenade launcher.
“You can continue this with my assistant.” He gestured
to the third man at the table, Alvin Matchemp 591, A rather
dim-witted person who was currently making eyes at the
final seated figure, a young journalist. He wasn’t doing
very well. As soon as he was out of site, Kelvin had a
good twitch. How could the most powerful man in Aldevera
be such a poo-brain? He likes fish. Life is so depressing.
After about half an hour, Matchemp emerged from the presidency
room. He noticed that his boss was replacing something
in his pocket and several dead fish littered the floor.
A cracked fishtank lay in the corner. Used to Keller’s
sudden anti-fish outbursts, he made for the hovercar bay.
“What were you doing in there?” Keller asked, a little
impatiently.
“Oh, he was just asking about our progress reports,” At
that point, Keller tuned out. Matchemp may be a little
dull at times, but he was efficient. And gullible.
As they boarded their hovercar (another Snrub invention,
it runs on cheese) Matchemp paused.
“What does ‘terminate’ mean?” Keller smirked as only Keller
could and instructed Matchemp to
“Consult a dictionary moron.” (Keller wasn’t actually
insulting Matchemp when he said that. Yes, they are called
dictionary morons. Only Snrub knows why.) Matchemp shut
up and drove, realizing that to Keller he was nothing
more then a humanoid fish. Maybe a useful one, but a fish
all the same. Not a good position to be in.
Meanwhile, in the residential section of the citadel,
a radio blared at a seemingly impossible volume. Loud
music was now the norm in this neighborhood. No-one could
stop it, so earplugs were very popular. Many-a merchant
praised the names Onya Farjin D.C. 922 an Ao Shlaf Prof.
D.C. 777 every morning before manning their earplug stalls.
The aforementioned Onya and Ao shared a flat and had an
amazing ability not to go deaf. They no longer had neighbors
due to the constant vibration of the music, and had to
use blu-tack (yes, it’s still about. Can you imagine a
world without blu-tac??) their tables to the floor.
Chapter two: The plot thickens a bit (just add water!!)
They were currently managing a conversation, both having
learnt to lip-read, an essential skill. Ao was tinkering
with what looked like a pair of rather thick-soled shoes.
Despite the fact that all of her tools were bouncing about
with every beat of the music, she amazingly manipulated
a tiny circuit in her hand. Slotting it into her a hole
in her shoe, she began to clean all of her tools. Her
hair, a reddish-black, fell into well groomed waves down
to her shoulders and her purple eyes glinted with what
could be madness, or then again could just be insanity
as they surveyed her work.
Onya, blonde-haired and blue eyes, was making a rather
dubious fruit salad. Ao was sure she saw something move
in it.
‘So are they finished yet?’ Onya mouthed.
‘Yup. Shouldn’t be any more trouble.’ Ao grinned, passing
the shoes to Onya. Abandoning the salad, Onya stooped
to put them on. At the site of the salad, Ao winced. It
reminded her of fishy. She hated fish.
The shoes weren’t ordinary. Linked to your nervous system
when activated, they gave the wearer the ability to fly
using a strange collection of technologies and an amazing
amount of string. Onya and Ao had a pair each, and they
proved very useful.
Ao had often been compared to snurb. Her inventions were
usually just as pointless or bizarre. The difference was
that she wasn’t mad (yet) and didn’t have an ‘off’ switch,
to the disappointment of many of her peers. The shoes
were fueled by pencils, doubling as sharpeners. Typical.
A Onya tentatively floated about the room, testing the
shoes, Ao began to listen to the news reader on the radio,
his words amplified a thousandfold.
“STVAR®, our premier antibiotics company, has released
a statement that they will need more of the compound Glaxen5
to combat the growing infection of esparimus. If you or
anybody near you seems to be resembling the asparagus
plant, contact your local hospital immediately. Caution
is essential.”
Ao stopped listening then, due to the fact that Onya
had abruptly landed on her lap.
‘I think we ought to sharpen some more pencils’ she mouthed,
flopping onto the floor and returning feeling to Ao’s
squashed legs. Ao nodded and made for the pencil room.
The room was made entirely of pencils and jutted out from
the ceiling, held there only by blu-tac (see, handy!)
Chapter 3: It gets even thicker (mmmm…thick-ey)
Signus Keller sat back. Soon, he would have
all of those damn carp dead. All fish were bad enough,
but carp was the limit. The esparimus virus was serving
its purpose, even though it is slowly turning the population
into asparagus, and soon his plan would reach its peak.
He grinned (well, more a smirk really) and had a good
ole’ twitch.
“Um, sir?” Matchemp’s voice whiped the happy, if psycopathic
look of Keller’s face.
“Our dictionary moron is broken. What does ‘terminal’
mean?”
“Oh, do bugger off.” Murmered Keller, superimposing an
image of mario over Matchemp’s weedy frame in his mind.
Noticing the glint of madness in his boss’s eyes, Matchemp
retreated. Keller resumed his twitching.
Having sharpened pencils for the past half hour, Ao was
finally finished. Onya was curled up in a rather bizarre
position that resembled a tumbleweed and was slowly rolling
about the flat. This was how she slept. Months of loud
music does that to you. Ao preferred to sleep on one leg,
thinking the tumbleweed style to take too much energy.
She was currently having a nice, relaxing hack into the
STVR® private database and avoiding a bowl of Onya’s wonderful
fruit salad. She was just randomly browsing along when
an icon caught her eye.
“Bloody fish”
Being a rather un-professional title, she decided to
have a look. After hacking through numerous firewalls,
she came to a strange bit of code-no-someone’s really
messy handwriting. It read;
God I hate all of those evil fish. They will all die
soon. Memo: 25 November’s the day!
Silently agreeing with the first sentence, she wondered
who had written it and what they were going to do. Today
was the 25th. Onya bumped into a wall, then changed direction
to continue her slow circuit of the flat.
The phone rang. Not that anyone could hear it of course,
the music was too loud, but Ao had modified it to bounce
up and down until someone picked up the receiver. Not
that you could hear the other person either, but tradition
was tradition.
Stepping over Onya, she stilled the phone. It was obviously
someone who knew them, as the caller didn’t attempt to
say anything and was sending them a text message.
“777, 922, you are now on duty. A band of terrorists
who call themselves ‘fish can all bugger off’ have taken
the president hostage. They demand a carp-fishing permit
and we have two days to comply before the shrub is uprooted.
We need you to save him, and no more cake bombs this time
777, it took those poor criminal weeks to stop reeking
of strawberry. –887 detective chief”
Rolling her eyes, Ao stepped over to Onya and nudged
her with a foot. Not her foot, just a foot she found lying
about. Don’t ask. Onya’s eyes snapped open and, in an
amazing flurry of limbs, was on her feet in just under
a minute. Albeit unsteady, but upright all the same. Ao
told, well mouthed, her of their latest briefing.
‘Fish can all bugger off hmm? Are you sure you have nothing
to do with this?’ Onya grinned, poking Ao in the ribs.
Ao frowned.
‘No, though I do agree with the principal, a job is a
job. And I already have a lead. After being informed about
the bloody fish icon, Onya nodded and picked up her stun
gun. It was also a water pistol and could speak fluent
German. Ao had made it for her.
Ao put Fred in her pocket. Fred, though currently only
as big as a pencil, folded out into a scythe. It could
also dry-clean (a very handy function) and produce bumper
stickers on command. Fred could also speak German, though
her preferred to say rude words so that his vocabulary
often seemed to solely consist of ‘dumkopf’, ‘sheizenhouse’
and ‘du bist eine grun gebarten aiffe!’ Ao was going to
fix that, but Fred didn’t want her to.
After checking their shoes (loose laces could be fatal)
Ao and Onya jumped out the window and flew towards the
STVR® headquarters, stopping only for lunch and to look
at a pretty bird. The bird scowled at them. Then they
realized it was a lady in a funny hat. After apologizing
about the bread, they flew on.
Chapter four: Wow! How can a plot get this thick? (Extreme
difficulty and hours of careful planning)
Matchemp popped his head round Keller’s door.
“Sir, there are two ladies here to see you. Keller lowered
the fish he was about to stab.
“Send them in,” Ao and Onya were shown in and the door
closed.
“Yes?”
“Were on police business and would like to ask you some
ques-” Onya was cut off as she found herself suddenly
pushed aside by Ao, Fred extended. She proceeded to flip
the fish off Keller’s desk and hack it to pieces mid-air.
When she had finished, Fred clicked away.
“Sorry about that,”
she grinned sheepishly.
“I just cant stand the buggers.” Keller blinked. He wasn’t
alone. Still, as interesting as these women were, he resented
the intrusion. Besides, that was his fish. He was less
pleased when he was accused of being linked with the ‘fish
can all bugger off’ criminals, even though he was. He
refused to speak with them any further so they both flew
back home to think. When they got back, they found a note
waiting for them.
“I don’t know what you did today, 777, but I’ve had two
complaints about you. Throwing bread at innocent citizens
and willful destruction of fish. You’ve really got to
be more careful.- Detective chief 877”
After getting her chair to eat the note, Ao decided to
have a rest. Onya resumed her tumbleweeding. The chair
burped.
They were awoken by the sound of an alarm. Their music
had stopped. While Onya untangled herself, Ao stalked
over to the radio to discover that it was the source of
the alarm. It suddenly stopped and a newsreader’s voice
rang out;
“Do not leave you homes. The citadel is under attack
from an unknown craft. I repeat- stay under cover.”
After hearing the news, Ao and a now upright Onya took
it upon themselves to grab their weapons and jump out
the window.
Keller was irritated. It had been such a sunny day, and
now something was blotting out the light. Why does this
always happen on a weekend? He asked himself, closing
his copy of psychopath’s annual. He then heard the news
broadcast from a nearby shop at he edge of the park he
was in. The whole space was empty in seconds and he, not
being the most fit of people, was left alone. Just as
he got to his feet, a column of green light flew from
the sky and he disappeared.
It isn’t every day that a UFO invades you home, but when
a surprised STVA® executive flies past you in a column
of green light, you do begin to see yourself as an oldie,
telling the grandkids about ‘the day that the aliens invaded’.
Now thoroughly bored of flying about unable to see any
weird goings on, Ao and Onya decided to follow the man
in a second. That may have not been the worlds mot wonderful
idea because just as they touched the green light, they
blacked out.
Chapter 5: ??? (oh crud.)
Keller was irritated. It’s bad enough to be abducted
by aliens, but to wake up with someone who thinks that
they are a tumbleweed and another who is standing on a
very odd angle on one leg…Temper snapping, he bellowed
at them to stop it. The tumbleweed slowly unfurled and
the other resumed a stance in accordance with the laws
of gravity.
“Oh, hello” The shorter, dark haired one said. Keller
then recognized the two women whom he had spoken to the
day before.
“What, may I ask, were you doing?” He asked. Blinking,
Ao answered
“What do you mean, we only just woke up.” Keller twitched.
“So you were asleep. Why do I get stuck with such weirdoes?”
“Hey, your not exactly sane twitchman” Ao replied. They
were all startled when a hatch opened and a rather large
fish flopped into the room.
It opened its mouth and the words floated out;
“You are our prisoners. We are your masters.”
“Oh bloody hell,” Keller said, twitching violently.
“A great big fish. Off all of the possible forms these aliens
could have, we’ve been abducted by giant, air breathing
fish!”
“Du bist eine grun gebarten aiffe!” Proclaimed Fred as he
was activated by a rather angry Ao. The fish blinked (yes,
fish can blink) coughed and asked if she could
“Please out that away?” When she refused, it sighed (yes,
fish can also sigh).
“This always happens. I’d better take you to our commander.”
It began to flop away. Ao, now also twitching, followed
with Onya and Keller through the hatch and after the fish.
They entered a room with a very large fish in it.
“You have a weapon?” It asked, flipping to face Ao.
“Sheiâerhof!” Fred proclaimed happily.
“Oh poo. You’re not going to hurt us, are you?” Surprised
at the fish’s lack of regality, ao looked at Keller. He
took the gun from his pocket. Onya rolled her eyes. She
knew that look in Ao’s eyes- it was the bloody-great-big-fish-are-going-to-die
one. And bloody great fish can tell when someone gets
the bloody-great-big-fish-are-going-to-die look, so Ao,
Onya and Keller found themselves teleported into an escape-pod,
made for a large fish, speeding into space. Back on the
ship, the biggest fish sighed.
“We really should develop a weapon or something before
we invade.” And with that, the UFO left the citadel in
peace.
Keller was beginning to warm to AO. She seemed to hate
fish almost as much as him. Onya, reacting to the stress
of being abducted by giant fish in a way that only Onya
could, was tumbleweeding about the pod. If you have ever
been in an escape pod designed for a rather large fish
with a tumbleweed and a scythe that prattles on in German
and keeps trying to press your clothes, you could understand
what Keller was going through. Then again, you could just
be loony.
Ao seemed quite happy now that there were no more fish.
She started to decorate the walls with bumper stickers
that seemed to appear from nowhere. She reminded Keller
of Snrub as he was going mad, but Snrub seemed to have
a more sane madness. He twitched.
“Do you have medicine or something for that?” Ao asked,
handing him a bumper sticker.
“What?”
“For your twitching, silly. It’s not healthy.”
“You twitched too.”
“Of course, a bloody great big fish was talking to me!”
“Fair enough.” She grinned at that.
“Ich bin eine hund”
“No your not, Fred, now please be quiet.” Ao quipped,
collapsing him as she spoke.After a few hours, the pod
landed on a planet. It was not a big planet, unremarkable
as a planet can be. It was best described as the sort
of place a slipper-wearing old granny would think of.
Onya had stopped tumbleweeding due to the buffeting of
atmosphere entry and her stun gun was wailing about being
lonely in spanish. Wondering where the hell it learnt
spanish, she was staring at it. After a time Keller decided
he would risk the planet's possibly fatal atmosphere over
being stuck with this multi-lingual barrage, he found
a panel which he hoped controlled the door. It did.
The planet smelt of talcum powder.Onya was on edge-her
stun gun shouldn’t be talking in spanish, and Fred’s muffled
exclamations were becoming more agitated as he was stuffed
deeper into Ao’s pocket. Keller was beginning to get really
mad, but was consoled by the fact his gun had not yet
began to regale him in portugese or something.
They rounded a hill when Onya suddenly froze. Despite
her time of obscenely loud music, she had actually retained
an acute sense of hearing.
“It sounds like pidions,” She whispered.
“Heaps of them, and they’re coming this way fast.
Chapter six: ACK!!! (…yes…)
Onya pointed and, sure enough, a large amount of small
shapes were moving toward them. They did indeed sound
like pidgins, bus as they got close enough to be seen…
“Scare blau!” Yelled Onya’s stun gun, furthur unnerving
the group. French!?
“Deine Grossmutter, swein?”
“No Fred, we are not pigs, but they are grandmothers.”
Ao answered, Pulling Fred out and activating him. Making
their way toward the small group was a veritable army
of old ladies, knitting menacingly. They clucked like
pidgins and Ao was sure she caught a flash of darning
needle.
“You take the twitchman and I’ll hold them off.” Ao muttered.
Onya scooped up Keller and, with a short jump, they sared
into the air.
“Deine sheizer hund!” Fred yelled at the old ladies. Ao
told him to
“Shut up. They aren’t poo dogs anyway.” And too flew upward.
There seemed to be no end to the mass of dentures and
blue rinse. The ladies started to throw pie at the three
hovering shapes.
God (sorry Ben) knows where they got it from. One minute
they were old ladies, the other old ladies with pie. Luckily,
Fred liked pie and leapt from Ao’s hands to eat it. With
a built in hover mechanism, Fred hovered up the pie that
flies in the sky (I wonder why?). It is a very silly thing
to behold, a pie-eating scythe and old ladies generally
don’t like silly things, so they all ran away. Fred was
disappointed. Onya’s stun gun had begun to speak ancient
Hebrew.
“Well this is helpful. How do we get off this talcum
deathtrap?” Keller grumbled as his feet touched ground/congealed
talcum powder.
“Well, we cant exactly pilot a craft designed for a very
big fish.” Onya helpfully pointed out, stun gun agreeing
in Finnish. Fred, noticing the group’s bad mood, launched
into a German rap to raise the cheer.
”Lauf lauf bitte bitte, nock yetz bist du-“
“Oh be quiet!”Ao snapped. Just then, a column of green
light swept past and hit them…
“Oh, come on. This is just too much.” Keller snorted.
Onya was tumbleweeding, Ao on one leg. Again, the hatch
opened.
“You are our- oh bugger, we already caught you.” The fish
paled as Onya almost rolled into it. This time, Keller
didn’t waste a second and soon the ship was rid of very
large fish. The talcum planet, however, had quite a few.
After the natives had been past, the plantet had a group
of very large fish in itchy pink jumpers. That’s what
you get for being a very large fish. Take my advice- never
consider it as a career.
“Awww, you hogged all the fun,” Ao complained after being
woken and told about Keller’s work. She nudged Onya with
a foot (Yes, it was hers this time.)
“Wha-?” Onya murmured.
“Oh, bugger, we’ve already been here. Where are the fish?”
Keller explained how he had threatened them into teleporting
themselves to the nearest planet.
“God I have fish.” He finished, Ao nodding enthusiastically
and the stun gun agreeing in japanese. |
