Alternatives
of Munge
[Rating: General
···
Length: Medium ···
Genre: Humor ···
Word count: 742···
Completed: Yes]
The lava was approaching, melting the once top secret
installation like it was made from pointy marshmallow.
Had it been made of marshmallow, it would have smelled
rather nice during its demise and maybe been installed
atop a large soup of hot chocolate. Unfortunately, it
wasn’t atop anything as nice and sweet.
The lava, despite it’s fond dreams of destroying large
amounts of helpless confectionary was, in all truth, destroying
lots of little buildings and approaching many more little
buildings, some of which had people in them. And, much
to the lava’s unconscious disappointment, the people were
not made of gingerbread.
“Oh Greg!” yelled non-gingerbread Petra Williams, her
silly hairdo clinging to the cocky miner type man called
Norman, but let everyone think his name was Greg.
“HOLY SHIT” yelled secret Norman.
“Eep…” Muttered Section Leader Elizabeth Shaw, wishing
she had some beer in her hand.
“VWORP VWORP” Happily chimed the console, whisking the
Doctor off to safety just in the nick of time.
The Brigade Leader just shouted incoherently at the oncoming
wave of death, pointing his gun at it and stamping his
foot. He was still shouting when the red hot rock had
burnt the other occupants of the shed to a crisp, and
would have kept shouting when it got to him, but it decided
that it didn’t want to eat this nasty, loud and rather
sweaty man and diverted its flow neatly around him.
The Brigade Leader paused for a moment until he worked
out what was happening, and started to shout again.
“Not good enough for you am I? Such insubordination!”
The lava, had it the ability to manifest vocal chords,
would have replied that it was the most inappropriate
circumstance imaginable to start demanding to be obeyed.
For cruds sake- it was molten rock, not some slack jawed
lackey that stomped about a lot when he told it to.
After a couple of days, the rock solidified and the Brigade
Leader was still shouting, only now about a glass of water.
The rock seemed to be rather mean though, and didn’t give
him a glass of water, so he pulled out his pistol and
shot it. On discovering that didn’t work, he stomped about
on it until he was thoroughly sure it was dead.
* * *
In the space above the decimated and not marshmallow
covered Earth, the alternate Universe’s own Doctor hovered
in his red telephone shaped TARDIS. With a PING rather
like that of a microwave, it shot downwards and landed
with a thump about an inch from the angry Brigade Leader’s
toe.
He looked down and shouted at both his toe for not being
man enough and the TARDIS for almost destroying his wimpy
toe. The Doctor, who looked rather like the real Doctor
with rabbit ears, stepped out of his TARDIS and began
shouting back about manly tea.
Observing this from above, the pine tree shaped silhouette
of the alternate Master laughed. He watched the rabbitDoctor
and the Brigade Leader shouting until he got bored, and
decided to go down and shut them both up for good.
“BOW BEFORE ME, RABBITDOCTOR AND BRIGADE LEADER!” He
yelled, appearing impressively.
“Bow down to a pine tree?” rabbitDoctor was sceptical.
“How’d you get like that?” Asked the Brigade Leader after
he’d established that his gun was empty.
The Master pine tree had never told anyone this before,
but as he had nothing better to do and the author was
poking him with a pencil until he told everyone, he threw
caution to the breeze and dimmed the lights to begin his
song…
“It all began that fateful day
A Dalek took my last life away
And rather than submit to decay
I threw all my morals away
Chorus:
I possessed a pine tree,
It wasn’t going to be for long,
Until I found a time lord host,
Or wrote a smash hit song.
I travelled all the stars
And drank in seedy bars
Drove fast and flashy cars
And didn’t contract SARS
CHORUS
So still I stand a pine tree,
By no finer plan or three,
I no longer attract that pesky bee,
Who use to incessantly follow me.”
And so they discovered that the Master had remained a
pine tree due to a pesky insect. And lo, did the sky split
into two and the heavens open up and everyone was crushed
by a giant clock that read lunchtime.
Here endeth the boredom.
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