Back in March, I used to visit a website known as, the Alan Robson Fan Club, an MSN community. Not many posts, but once in a while, as with alot of message boards, you come across a crazy person at some point, or read something totally outrageous from someone, and think, "Dude, this is some screwy shit! What's up with that?!" Well, that is what happened to me, on a date that I can't remember. I was looking to see if any new people joined, or any new posts, and I notice one that stands out among the rest with the title of, "I ONCE SUCKED HIS COCK" Well, it just got the best of me and I had this terrible urge to email the person, and find out just what posessed him to say something like this, especially about someone like Alan Robson. What you will find on this page, is a series of emails that went back and forth between me and a person I will call, DF, which are his initials. I will also tell whoever that reads this, that no, I do not believe what this person said, but I only went along with it at the time because #1. I couldn't believe what they had to say to me, and felt the need to hear more, and #2. I WAS BORED! That said, read at your own risk. Email #1. RG: Subject: I saw what you posted about alan! That was pretty funny, is that true at all though? about sucking on alan's uh, you know what, Because by the name of your email address you're probably a guy! Did you really? DF: I did once spend time with him in a supermarket, which is much the same thing. I find that it's best when approaching Alan to do so with extreme candour; if you ever get the opportunity I suggest you allow your left hand to go limp at the wrist, and repeat the word 'gentle?' (with antipodean lilt) to him repeatedly. That way he's guaranteed to respond. Works for me anyway. I can't remember the taste, but he's not called 'The Flashing Blade' for nothing. Email #2. RG: Subject: oh my goodness, is it true? I'm still confused! Alright, so you met Alan in a supermarket, where and how old were you when that happened? I won't tell nobody by the way if it's true, I swear! Why do you have to be careful with Alan, what will he do, and what exactly did you do to him? Why did you want to go to him in the first place? and what do you mean by he's garanteed to respond? DF: It was Savacentre in the Galleries in Washington (Tyne & Wear, not DC). I was sitting with me Mam having a pasty & chips in the restaurant section (highly recommended, if you're ever in the area), and noticed that Alan was sitting a few tables away with a butch blonde lady. Encouraged by mother, I approached him in the aforementioned manner (limp wrist etc), and asked very cautiously if he wouldn't mind allowing me a bit of a fiddle. Graciously he complied, on the understanding that I would draw him an illustration of a nocturnal bird and call him 'Flash, sir' at all times. You have to be careful because the poor bloke has a tendency to fire off at the drop of a hat. That's also the reason I wanted to go with him in the first place. I was 14 years old. Email #3. RG: Subject: wow That's interesting. So, do you know any information on Alan Robson? How often do yo listen to his show, and did you know that Rosie (his wife) has been replaced? I learned that from someone I was talking to. Why do you think she would leave? Does he sleep around or something? DF: I don't listen to his show very much anymore, as I no longer live in the appropriate area. I used to be an obsessive listener though, and it's to blame for the self-destructive sleep routine that I have acquired. I lay awake at night, dreaming of Alan's ginger balls and chocolate voice. Didn't realise Rosie had left him, maybe she couldn't stand his incessant beating off anymore. It's a little known fact that he spends the whole of the Night Owls show with his hand beneath the desk, trying to learn how to fire off with less frequency and more clarity. Back in Gateshead he used to be well known as 'Mad Alan', mad because he liked to drop his trousers in pastry shops. The truth is, Alan Robson isn't even his real name. He's really called 'Derek Nuts'. It just didn't work on radio. But really, he's a lovely bloke, if a little obsessed with sex. If you wanted to be one of his conquests you wouldn't have to try very hard. Just make sure that you remember to call him 'Flash, sir' and leave your self-esteem at the door. You won't be needing it. Email #4. RG: Subject: Alan has issues! Didn't know his obsession was such a problem for him! So, do you know how he met Rosie? If she really is his second wife? How he got the balls of steel? and What do you know of him and Rosie, what about the other Night Owls women? Why do people have to call him Flash? Derek Nuts, that's a funny name! Hey, did you ever make a fanfic story about Robson? Do you have MSN or Yahoo messengers? I have both! These things you say about him are really funny! DF: He's always been obsessed with sex. I think it's something to do with his name, with a name like 'Nuts' you're bound to be a little frisky. It's in the jeans. Rosie used to be just one of the Night Owl girls, answering the phone, then one day she answered his call for mutual intercourse. He has the blood of the Nuts running through his veins, and from that point on he always insisted on doing the show with Rosie sat on his cock. I suppose she just got sick of it. He likes to be known as 'Flash' or 'The Flashing Blade', because his secondary obsession after sex is the work of Errol Flynn, who was also obsessed with sex. I won't put this stuff out as fiction, as it's rather to close to the bone. But feel free to copy and paste it in yourself. I am quietly trying to remember Robson in the days when he could afford to be limp. Email #5. RG: Subject: pictures of alan, have you seen any of them? My Alan is nasty! But really, I doubt even he was ever that bad, no matter how much I laughed while reading it! I know that Alan is in charge of three different dance troupes, The Flashettes, The Bladettes, and the Little Sparks. (He must keep busy...lol!) Anyways....I have some pictures of Alan that came from different websites, tell me if you have seen them. One is of the show Scariest PLaces on Earth (do you know anything about him from that?)There are only two pictures, I didn't want to make my computer take any longer than it had to. oh, and by the way, are you ever going to come back to the Alan Robson MSN community fan club or whatever it is? People have answered to what you posted! DF: Alan really is nasty. Check out this address if you need convincing: Click Here I don't think there's much point me contributing further to the fan club thing. It seems a lot of people don't quite understand the way I put things. Life's too short to take everything so seriously, surely? Didn't realise he was running dance troupes. This is either because he's a nonce, or he just wanted to get inside the dancers. Either way, the thought of Alan in tights has to be one of the most appealing things so far. Twelve tiny children, all of them laughing, each one ashamed of their heritage. |
