Journal of Jesse A Snider III

 

4/6/00 12:06 AM

                                This is the first entry in my computerized journal and I have a lot to type.  It’s been four months since Laurie and I have broke up and it still pains me deeply, I love her and believe that her and I were meant to be, but me being my stubborn self realized this much to late.  It’s because of me and my stubbornness that her and I are no longer together.  I just had to argue with her about her parents and her coming to visit with me.  I care for her with all my heart, mind, body, and soul.  She is the only thing that keeps me going in this world.  I remain in college because of the hopes that I will see her soon.  If not for her I would have most likely been dead already, a lost cause, a suicide so to speak.  Without her in my world I have no world.  It pains me not to see her and it hurts even more that she is not with me this day.  I must remain strong throughout this however for if not then I don’t only let her down but I let myself and those I care about down.  I can hardly handle the pain that I am going through right now even the most strong amongst us have our limits and I believe that I have reached mine.  Laurie was my whole world.  Even now I can hardly sleep due to the way I feel and the pain that I am going through I don’t see why I don’t just end it all now but then I think of Laurie and I know why I don’t.  She may not realize it but I believe that she still loves me but is too afraid to say it or knows it but does not want to let me see it.  I can sense it however that she does not know.  Her and I are kindred spirits.  God supposedly puts a person on this earth for us all and I believe that I have found that one even if I don’t fully believe in God himself I do believe that there is root in his scripture.  After all, all fantasy or whatever you wish to call it is rooted in fact.  I am writing this so as to document my feelings and the events in my life from this day forth.  I am a tortured soul that is torn between his love for a woman and his never-ending quest for challenge and knowledge.  After all what is life without challenge but a long drawn out span of meaningless events.  Some may criticize my writings but I don’t care about them these are my beliefs and this is my life I will live it how I see fit.  After all we are masters of our own destiny are we not?  If the world we live in was meant to be perfect and without challenge mankind would have been extinct many millennia ago.  Challenge is what drives us, challenge is what makes us perform that much better and makes us wish to do better then the next person or persons.  I am crying as I type this because I have never let my feelings out this way before and I am constantly thinking of Laurie and what we could have and should have had.  If any are reading this then you may begin to get bored of what I am typing and for those of you I suggest that you put this book (if it ever gets published) down for the entire thing will be like this.  And for those of you who wish to read on please do so and contemplate what I have placed on these pages.

4/8/00 3:53 PM

                                This is my second entry in my journal and I still feel the same about Laurie but I also realize that she no longer has feelings for me and that our relationship was a lie.  She never loved me she just thought she did.  I am single and lonely and I despise that feeling.  Laurie is still my driving force and it’s still because of her that I am here and that I am writing this down.  My sister is another one that is keeping me alive for I care for her and always will.  Ever since her accident a few years back her and I have become that much more close.  I would do anything to protect her and if anyone were to hurt her then that person would wish that they had not of been born.  I’m at my parents place writing this I am also listening to Marilyn Manson (for those of you who don’t know who that is he is a Anti-Christ musical artist) I am not Anti-Christ but I do find some truth in his words.  Anyway that’s beside the point well actually not but still I have more important things to write about then the music of the 21st century.  My life is still messed up but it will remain that way until I find someone to help me through it and that someone is of the female sex that I know for sure.  I still may be moving to Timmins for school but I’m not sure as of yet.  I miss my friends and I miss Laurie I know it’s sad but it’s true.  I’ve been trying to make up a song of how I feel (I am a writer after all) but I just can’t put a beat to the way I feel I will keep trying and possibly insert a section of it in this journal.  I will sign off for now I know that this is much shorter then my one previous but the fact is, is that I’m feeling better then I did when I first started writing in this.

8/15/01 2:14 AM

                                This is my third entry in my electronic journal. I have since gotten over Laurie but have been hurt by another. Her name is Serena and her and I met by chance. She has 2 boys both of whom I love and care for dearly. I now live in Barrie Ontario, and am doing rather well. Serena and I still talk but I miss her and the boys dearly. Serena and I were engaged to be married, but once again I screwed up and her and I broke up. What is it with me and constantly screwing up my relationships? I guess that I’m just a lost spirit wandering this plain called Earth. My music style has since changed as well. I still am an anarchist and most likely will remain so for the rest of my life, unless the god that everyone worships proves to me otherwise. I have picked up many bad habits since my first two entries, one of which is smoking. I must be a tortured tormented soul for I constantly feel the pain of my heart being ripped to shreds. The only joy I find now is in my writings both in song and in scripture such as this journal, as well as in stories. As I stated before I am a writer and will remain so for as long as I can. I have begun to form a band we are called Wolf Pack since I have that tattooed upon my shoulder. I also have an earring courtesy of Serena. I have many scars and marks upon my body that constantly remind me of Serena and the stupid things that I have done. I hope that in the future her and I will once again be together but even that hope is beginning to run short. However the rune stones that I recently purchased in St. Catherine’s say that in the future her and I will be together once again. I recently completed a three-stage job interview with the local Radio Shack here in Barrie and may end up a Computer Technician in the future. As for Serena’s sons, I still consider them as my own even though they are not biologically. Serena herself has told me on numerous occasions that she may end up moving here to Barrie with me once she is done College. I have dropped out of college for the time being as I discovered that what I was going for was not for me. I thrive for challenge and the college that I was at was not challenging me enough, or was challenging me too much, whichever it is I’m not sure of yet. I do plan on going back to college in the future just not at the present time. I need to deal with the shit in my life before I can progress in it any further, but is that not progressing itself? I’m not entirely sure but I’m sure that I will find out soon enough. I sit here now typing this for you the reader in my room at my aunt and uncles house whilst my aunt is on the other computer chatting up a storm. I shall sign off here for now for I can’t think of anything else to say at this time.

9/11/2001 7:27 PM

                                This may be my final entry in this journal for the events of today, if they were to start World War III, will send me away to fight for my country. I do not wish to die but if I must then I’d die for my country. At any rate let us hope and pray that WW3 does not start or if it does then let us pray that we win and that I may return home. I know this is a short entry but I have to be ready for mobilization. Thank you for reading this and hopefully I’ll be able to add to it.

8/31/2008 4:06 PM

Well it has been a really long time since I wrote in this. I happened to stumble across it just today (August 31, 2008). Anyway I'm living in Ottawa now and am working for Simluc Contractors as a roofer. I am engaged to Natalie Fortier and we are happy. Anyway now that I've re-found this I may continue writing in it.

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