WASHINGTON, Sep 13, 2001 (NHNS)
©
Night Hawke
Today Jerry Falwell issued a statement saying he
regretted his divisive comments made earlier today on the televised 700
Club with Pat Robertson. He claimed he didn't mean to 'wave his finger in
the face' of the ACLU, The People for the American Way, Gays, Lesbians,
Feminists, Abortionists, Atheists, Agnostics, and other creepy people
accusing them of being partially responsible for Tuesday's early morning
destruction of the World Trade Center and attack on the Pentagon.
"If you'll look at the following
transcript," says Falwell, "you'll see the liberal media took my
words totally out of context."
Partial transcript of comments from the Thursday,
September 13, 2001 edition of the "700 Club":
JERRY FALWELL: And I agree totally with you that
the Lord has protected us so wonderfully these 225 years. And since
1812, this is the first time that we've been attacked on our soil and by
far the worst results. And I fear, as Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of
Defense, said yesterday, that this is only the beginning. And with
biological warfare available to these monsters -- the Husseins, the Bin
Ladens, the Arafats - what we saw on Tuesday, as terrible as it is,
could be miniscule if, in fact -- if, in fact -- God continues to lift
the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we
deserve.
PAT ROBERTSON: Jerry, that's my feeling. I think
we've just seen the antechamber to terror. We haven't even begun to see
what they can do to the major population.
JERRY FALWELL: The ACLU's got to take a lot of
blame for this.
PAT ROBERTSON: Well, yes.
JERRY FALWELL: And, I know that I'll hear from
them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the
federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the
schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because
God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent
babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the
abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are
actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People
For the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America
-- I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this
happen."
PAT ROBERTSON: Well, I totally concur, and the
problem is we have adopted that agenda at the highest levels of our
government. And so we're responsible as a free society for what the top
people do. And, the top people, of course, is the court system.
JERRY FALWELL: Pat, did you notice yesterday the
ACLU, and all the Christ-haters, People For the American Way, NOW, etc.
were totally disregarded by the Democrats and the Republicans in both
houses of Congress as they went out on the steps and called out on to
God in prayer and sang "God Bless America" and said "let
the ACLU be hanged"? In other words, when the nation is on its
knees, the only normal and natural and spiritual thing to do is what we
ought to be doing all the time -- calling upon God.
PAT ROBERTSON: Amen.
Falwell went on to say that he was mistaken to have
made those comments and has since discovered that it was actually beloved
children's character Tinky Winky from the BBC program 'Teletubbies' that
was responsible for the terrorist raid.
"If you look closely at the photographs of the
World Trade Center burning you can even see an image of Tinky Winky waving
at a 45 degree angle." Claims Falwell.
He continued to prove his point by eliciting the
text from an obscure quatrain of the prophecies of Nostrodumbass --
In the year of the new century and nine months,
From the sky will come a great Tink of Terror...
The sky will burn at forty-five degrees.
"I believe this clearly refers to Tinky Winky."
Said Falwell.
Falwell accused Tinky Winky of being gay in 1999
because he is purple, has a triangle on his head, and has effeminate
characteristics.
Tinky Winky was unavailable for comment but co-Teletubby
Lala said "lalalalalalala".
In related news doctors were unable to extract Pat
Robertson from Falwell's rectum.
parody
This was a parody (except for the partial transcript
from the 700 Club) brought to you by Night Hawke's Insurrection. Pissing
off the religious right and exercising my patriotic and Constitutional
duty to poke fun at public absurdity since 1961.
Feel free to send this page to a friend or copy and
send in e-mail text but please retain this note:
Yes, I am poking fun at Jerry Falwell and two
internet hypergasms that are going around in every bodies e-mails and on
bulletin boards depicting Satan in the smoke at the WTC and false
quatrains of the dubious prophet/poet Nostrodamus. Nobody takes the
9-11 act of terrorism any more seriously than me.
There are now two statements on my website on this
issue -- the one I wrote on 9-11 to the people of America and my 9-14 rant
to Osama Bin Laden.
Freedom of speech is one of our most precious
liberties in this country and Jerry Falwell is entitled to his opinions
and to say whatever he wants regardless how stupid it sounds -- and I
would defend his right to say it to the end and mourn his loss if he were
to die in a terrorist attack like anyone else. I'm just sorry that
he felt it was necessary to blame me, a person who favors reproductive
choice and civil liberties, for this atrocious act.
Personal Note to Jerry Falwell
If someone forwards this to the good reverend:
I hold nothing against you Jerry (and hope I
never do for that matter) -- but I'm gonna make fun of you for the rest of
my life. -- and you can quote me on that.
If you need help debunking the Nostrodamus mis-quote
myth direct anybody to:
http://www.snopes2.com/inboxer/hoaxes/predict.htm
Be strong, laugh once in a while.
The best way we can honor the victims of this
tragedy is to keep on going about our lives and living out the freedom of
America. Pursue Happiness. The human spirit will prevail.
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