This man starts to walk by a wall with a hole in it. From the hole he hears 13,13,13. He decides to look in the hole. He does and someone pokes him in the eye. The voice then says 14, 14,...
Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married you have sex all over the house, in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got!
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes' ass?
A. Brain tumor.
If ANY of these apply to you, you jus might be a redneck:
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You've ever grilled corn.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
Some self-evident truths about pets...
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?