::A collection of poems written during Math 118 in Spring 2002 at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
Gonna clean my heart of all its
sorrow
Gonna go to sleep and wake up tomorrow
Never gonna let my heart get full of all this dirt
That is spread across my shirt
No one knows why my life has to be this way
God, if I knew, I'd be happy today
I should probably get back to sleep
And not wake up 'til next week
Two years gone and nothing's changed
Two years of my life lived alone and plain
Hmm, it seems like life would be better
If I could get out of bed and write me a letter
So what would that letter say?
Should I think about it as I do day after day?
I think if I was in the mood to write
I'd tell myself to go to sleep tonight.
On this day two years ago
I looked out of my tinted window
Things looked darker than they really are
Who knew that the world was so bizarre?
I didn't make sense of my life
'Til yesterday.
On the other side of the glass
I learned all things must pass
Some do for the better
Days like those went by
Watching other people cry
Their eyes slowly getting redder.
For on this day two years ago
I looked out my tinted window
And saw nothing instead of her.
I didn't make sense of my like
'Til she was gone.
Ooooh… looking through my tinted window
Seeing things in ways that don't exist
I saw dark and light playing on the rainbow
But my better days are ahead, I must insist.
Ahhhh… that tinted window
Taught me more than clarity ever did
Bright days dawn as dark ones go
These days are the best I've ever lived.
Stopping on a dime
Searching for some time
Feeling caught in a moment
And wondering why.
Living past time and place
Steadfast in this space
A moment upon me
And disappears without a trace.
Think about it for a while
Live in it mile by mile
Awake in the physics of a moment
Curious like a child.
Shape, form, feel the beat
Where I stand on this street
Like a cold summer night
After a lost day's heat.
This will never come again
As a new one begins
Feeling the motions of
The moment we live in.
It looks like you stole it
'Cause now I can't hold it
Letting time go by in
The physics of a moment.
Impatience gets the better of
me
But I'm not an impatient man
Though sitting in this room
Tests my mettle more than anything else can.
Inside I feel my gut twisting and turning
And it's not because I didn't eat last night
It's not yet been 25 minutes
And already I've turned off the light.
Z-scores, tables, percents fly around
What is going on in this place?
Must I pay attention anymore
When I can't look you in the face?
It doesn't make sense what you do
It's math, though, the universal order
But in class you do not give but take
Our knowledge and my flipping quarter.
I want to burst right now
Though I laugh at "Hello, class"
I wrote on the blackboard
I can't wait longer for this to be past.
This poem has gobbled five minutes
A fraction of this mathematical wasteland
25 more minutes and this coming Friday
The useless experience void of living grand.
If Uri was the FDA
20% if the RDA
Would end up being
.2% or 3,000% per day.
If Uri was the FDA
Pig farmers would know
That pigs must be washed
In Clorox bleach and snow.
If Uri was the FDA
My Tylenol would be
Tablets shaped like swords
Like those wielded by Sean Connery.
If Uri was the FDA
Tobacco would be a cause
Of AIDS and malaria or
Another viral flaw.
If Uri was the FDA
Pregnancy would be for men
And the chance of having a girl is .001%
And natural law thrown out the window again.
If Uri was the FDA
Ice cream cones would have a use
To model global warfare outcomes
All at the indifference of his muse.
If Uri was the FDA
He'd know George Bush.
His character on "That's My Bush"
Would be played by a robotic evergreen bush.
If Uri was the FDA
A false c(l)ause for concern
About the safety of our food
Would be something we all must learn.
If Uri was the FDA
he'd be elected by using
Improper and unrealistic means
All at his own choosing.
If Uri was the FDA
The ends do not justify the means
Expiration dates would have no meaning
If food was as safe as it seems.
If Uri was the FDA
His second-in-command would be
Someone like a sexy mathematician-
Oh wait, once again that is he.
If Uri was the FDA…
If Uri was the FDA…
Oh my God, Uri is the FDA.
Oh my God, Uri is the FDA.
Just look at the Venn diagram!
You little pathetic fools.
So if you remember B-complement
Not like you remember anything because your test
sucked.
What do you mean?
Why don't you open your ears, woman!
Just use the Venn diagram!
God! I'm so authoritative.
What's everything that's not in there?
Knowledge… not in my class.
Uh… uh… um… I didn't expect you to know this… so… so… by the way…
so… so… so… are there any questions on this? Ok… so… the last thing
is… well… so… uh… so… uh… well…
I wonder why they have trouble understanding me.
Let me do it this way… it'll be easier to see.
Muwahahaha… they think I know what I'm doing.
Let's do a couple more examples
So I can show my Stuff.
Here's a… well let me draw the pictures
Because words just don't work for me.
So… so… oh… so… it's a general rule, by the way.
Oh, and by the way, your test still sucks.
So these are called "mutually exclusive events."
Like knowledge and Math 118 happening at the same time in
my class.
All right…. so let me do another example… ok.
I'm going to show you my Stuff.
The probability of this happening is 2:8.
Like the probability of you getting an A.
Yeah… you can simplify that…
It might help me, you hot girl.
The theoretical probabilities… ok… ok…
It's like the theoretical chance you'll give me a good
class review.
Isn't this what you expect?
How could this have been what you expected?
Suppose… uh… you perform THIS experiment.
Haha… I'm going to steal your quarter, all right?
Uh… ok, so any questions? All right, yeah. I think that's pretty much it for
today. The last thing is…
I fooled you! You thought you were getting out of my
grasp. NEVER!
No.
I won't.
I won't listen more.
I won't listen ANY MORE.
I won't listen any more to you.
I won't listen any more to you today.
I won't listen any more to you today or tomorrow.
I won't listen any more to you today or tomorrow or the next day.
I won't.
I can't.
I want to, but I can't.
I can't want to.
I can't want to today.
I can't want to today already.
I can't want to today already again.
I can't want to today already again like last time.
I needn't.
I needn't listen.
I needn't listen to you.
I needn't listen ANY MORE to you.
I needn't listen any more to you today.
I needn't listen any more to you today or tomorrow.
I needn't listen any more to you today or tomorrow or the next day.
I need not.
I need not of you.
I need not of your foolishness.
I need not of your foolish attempts.
I need not of your pathetically foolish attempts.
I need not of your pathetically foolish attempts
Today or
Tomorrow or
Ever.
Ticking away on a counter I
wait
For those inevitable mistakes
That came so frequently of late
That they seem predetermined by fate.
Time is captured.
Preserving errors forever with it
Taking time not to force personal edit
Giving his style all the credit
For blurring his words every minute.
Words are fractured.
Repetition of sound has been caught
As cautiously as a goal is sought
Though one for which we hadn't faught
Because it's simply how we're taught.
An incoherent lecture.
Still waiting for the perfect time
When vocabulary follows no perfect line
And repetition becomes its own rhyme
Unhindered by the tolling of the chime.
An imperfect texture.
Recording these moments this hour
To reveal once again how his power
Is dispelled like water in a shower
Or falling bricks from Reasonability's Tower.
Time is captured.
Words are fractured.
An incoherent lecture;
An imperfect texture.
EXPECTED VALUE - 4/23/02
In pursuit of my dream, I'm
fulfilling my goals.
Hours a week spent striving for success.
The end result will be well worth the struggle
And these memories will live forever.
There's one class that I took, thought, I'd be happy to forget.
It was time spent agonizing over irrelevant details
Which were so frequently incorrect or forgotten that
It boggled our minds.
Let me tell you about MATH 118…
It's Uri!
It's Uri!
It's Uri! Uri! Uri!
Come on in and sit right down,
Join my class; I'll make you frown!
Read my lips,
Uh Uh Uh Uh!
Laugh at me, it's
fun fun fun!
Why don't you join me in my song,
"Look, I'm me, I'm
wrong, wrong, wrong!"
What do you think you're doing here?
I see you there, quaking in fear
At me!
At me!
At me me me me me me me me me!
Mine! All mine! I rule you dumb teens!
So come on in to my own world, I'll make you hate
Math 118!
All work is by J. Nicolosi, 2002