Eleven

Nicole stared at the ceiling, trying to figure two things out for certain. First … how strong her feelings could be. She was getting mixed up on what was friendship and what was love when it came to AJ. Her mind was battling out her heart – which was saying her natural feelings were to love AJ. They’d spent plenty of time together before everything turned serious. And they’d spent what seemed to be even more time – yet in a smaller span of it – ever since.

While that was stewing in the back of her head, she was trying to figure out the second detail. Was AJ still asleep?

She had barely gone to sleep once things were silence between them and she was left to wonder about them becoming so intimate. Why? Or more specifically, why not?

AJ shifted in the bed, an arm sliding over Nicole’s clothed stomach. Once things had seemed ‘settled’ between the two, she had returned to her normal night wardrobe; while all AJ accounted for were his boxers.

Her hand instinctively went to his arm, smoothing over his skin. The movements caused him to stir more abruptly than just moments ago. His arm withdrew a bit as he shifted more comfortably and watched her with sleepy eyes. Her eyes remained on the ceiling, fixed on absolutely nothing.

His voice was low, and genuine. "I’m sorry." When she didn’t respond except to blink silently, he spoke again. "Nic, I’m sorry about that. I don’t really know why, but I can tell you’re hurtin’ about it."

She, on the other hand, sounded strong, as if she had been holding her statement in for a while. "I’m not hurt."

AJ started shaking his head. "That’s a lie."

Even she knew it was a lie. But she didn’t want to let on to anything.

His hand applied pressure to her belly, just to show that he was still there and still meant what he was saying. "I just know how you hold that stuff in such high regard and I didn’t want to take advantage of that."

Nicole started to gnaw her jaws together, still silent. She didn’t believe that was it.

He sighed, looking away briefly. Then, AJ moved to sit up, pulling his knees against his chest and enclosing within his arms. "I wanted to, that’s for sure."

She began to shift to a slouched seat and stared where her fingers were playing with the edge of the covers. "I’m sure you did." Nicole was going for comfort, trying to ease the conversation. Yet, it came out more strangled, nearly accusatory and cynical.

"I’m sorry if you feel rejected, but I don’t—"

Nicole finally faced him and held his eyes, speaking with a soft voice. "You don’t what?"

"Shit, Nic, you want me to just hold you like every other woman out there? Is that what this is? Rejection?"

"Why is it so easy for you to touch anyone else … and me, you can’t? What is that? You just holding onto something that’s not real here? That’s what this tells me."

He scoffed quickly. "That’s bull shit."

"Thank you," she mocked in return, feeling as if he were calling her feelings bull shit.

"Those other times are bull shit," he supplied, clearing up the mistake. "You don’t truly believe that, do you?" AJ rolled to his side, still sitting, to watch her more carefully. "I don’t want this to be something in a hotel room in the middle of the night with you. Something that you’re doing just to prove you love me."

Her eyes held his silently. Her mind raced and her heart nearly stopped. Was she doing that? Just trying to prove that she loved him. If that was the case, it cleared up her doubts on the depths of her feelings for AJ. But, on another plane, it pulled her inner peace apart knowing that she’d sacrifice something she respected in herself just to prove something to him. Something he apparently knew all along.

AJ read her eyes perfectly. "You doubt that, don’t you?"

Her voice was soft. "You obviously do. Or else you wouldn’t have stopped things between us tonight."

He sighed, "That’s not what it was. You want me to treat like it’s nothing? Like it means nothing to you? Then in that case, I would have just gone along and had meaningless sex with you." Then, AJ grabbed her full attention as he stared meaningfully into her eyes. "You don’t go full circle with someone you don’t tell that you love. I know that about you."

"What?" she asked, suddenly confused. That most certainly was true of herself, but she wasn't certain on when AJ had found that out.

"You’ve said that before. That you’ve only slept with Scott and some guy from high school."

"Adam," she murmured, remembering her first real boyfriend.

"Yeah, Adam," he nodded, feeling a bit numb to watch her so dazed at the memories. "Nic, this was nothing personal against you. This was something to go with you. To go along with who you are."

Her eyes drifted downward, trying to figure things out in a matter of seconds just so she could respond to what he was saying.

"Nic," AJ reached a hand out to her face. "Nic, would you really feel that great in the morning, having had sex, when you really didn’t want to? Before you could tell me how you feel?

"I … "

"Either you don’t know or you don’t wanna say it."

Her eyes found his, begging for understanding with no words attached. "Alex," she pleaded.

"Either you don’t know that you love me, or you don’t wanna say it."

"How would it help you to know which it is?"

After a few moments of thought, AJ closed his eyes, realizing she was right. It would be of no help to his doubts. He was just hoping she would have come out clearly to say she loved him, to just settle everything in that one moment. He nodded silently, gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, then readied himself for the day.

Before he left, he returned to her at the bed. His hand continually swept across her blonde head. "Nicole, you gonna get up today?"

She took a deep breath, moving herself back to a seated position. "Yeah, soon enough."

AJ cupped her cheek. His thumb rubbed across her skin. "Look, I’ve been thinking and got an idea."

At seeing his smile, she felt more comfort to smile in return. His smile was always infectious for her, and she really wondered if she’d ever be able to fight it off. With a tiny, hopeful glance, "What?"

"Why don’t you come down to the taping today?"

Her head tipped to one side, and her eyes reflected the shock she felt. "You want me to come down with you?"

"That is what I asked you to do."

After a quick, deep breath, "What for?"

"Just to be outside with me."

"But, Jes said – "

AJ waved her off instantly, interrupting as well. "I don’t really care what she’s said about that. That was a few weeks ago. Things are quiet now."

With a tiny smile, she allowed herself to like this idea, just for the moment. "So you wanna make them un-quiet?"

"Well," he smirked. "That wasn’t in the game-plan. But so be it."

At his lax attitude, she agreed to the idea and quickly showered and dressed. When they hit the hallway, he reached for her hand, threading his fingers between hers. She glanced his way with a small smile, recognizing the public display. They’d never been public before.

AJ pulled their handhold to his face, kissing the back of her hand, winking at her as they continued to walk. At the elevator, he reluctantly dropped her hand, but she understood when a door opened behind them and Brian headed towards them.

Brian glanced at his watch as he entered the lift. "You’re early."

"Once in a while I succeed with time management."

The occupants of the elevator, which also included security, smiled along with AJ. Brian quickly offered Nicole a smile. "And you’re still here?"

"There’s no way you guys are losing me now. I’m hot on the trail."

"What’ve you been doing all along? I barely see you, anyway."

She smiled easily. "A little of this, little of that."

"You coming down today?"

"Yeah. Almost like old times, eh?"

"I’d say," Brian chuckled as the elevator doors opened, revealing a crowd outside the hotel’s lobby.

As they approached the front doors, Nicole caught Kevin off to her left, talking a few stray fans who were lucky enough to be staying in the hotel. As they continued towards the doors, she glanced his way every few moments, still keeping her main focus ahead of her. At one moment, Kevin took his sights to the moving figures and watched Nicole, as she watched him.

She offered a slight smile while she continued walking. Kevin smiled, wiggled his fingers quickly for a wave and then mouthed, "Hey you."

Nicole tried to keep the smile from growing, but by the time they were making it outside, she was grinning at the sight of Kevin looking so healthy, happy, and open to say hi to her.

It simply tangled her mind and stomach in knots, trying to keep those feelings at bay.