Title: Lullaby
Summary: A brief visit from Leo to Josh in ICU
Author: Nicole Rating: PG13 (Language, mostly)
Disclaimer: No money. I only wish they were mine...
Beep. Beep. Beep.
One thousand two hundred one. One thousand two hundred two.
I count the rythmatic hums of the heart monitor. You see, I've come across a game trying to squeeze in the number (to myself, of course) before the next beep comes in. This actually speeds up the monitor for some weird reason. Which defeats the game. Sigh.
I would groan if I wasn't worried about waking up an exhausted Sam Seaborn who sits perched awkwardly in a plastic chair just inches away from my gurney. So, instead, I turn my head slightly away from my friend and gaze at the all too distant door. I nicknamed it the Door. Capital D, baby.
Too bad I won't be going through it for at least a couple of weeks.
I turn my face again to stare at the ceiling. C'mon, sleep. Please? C'mhere, sleep.
Knock. Knock. A pause. Knock.
I turn, surprised, to the Door and am greeted by someone I didn't think I'd see.
"Hey, Leo." I choke out. "How are you?" I wink.
I can tell he tries to smile, but it comes out as a watery type of frown. "Aw, Josh." He notices Sam, now snoring lightly. "How long has he been here?" He walks to the opposite side of my bed and pulls a chair for himself.
"Since about ten last night." Damn, it really hurts to talk. I hope it doesn't show.
"Jeez." He suddenly becomes uncomfortable. "The doctors say you should be good to go in a couple of weeks."
I try really hard not to wince. And fail, apparently.
"Oh, Josh." A wave of sympathy falls across his weary face. "I know these past six days have been hard for you. You have to know that we all wish we could come by more often."
"It's really no problem. Sam and Donna are usually here a couple times a day, and my mom comes every once in a while." I try to smile again.
"Okay," He replies, not very confidently. "I just wish I could come by-"
A knock interrupts him. Ah, Nurse Cheryl, aka Nurse Ilovepain.
"Excuse me," Satan says as she enters the room. "I need to change the patient's linens."
If I wasn't already flushed with exhaustion, I'd have turn red.
Leo's eyes widen slightly. "His....?"
"His bandages, sir."
"Oh." Leo looks slightly relieved. He glances at me. "You want me to leave?"
I say "sure," but there must be something in my voice that makes him reply:
"I can stay."
I nod slightly in thanks. There's something about when the nurses remove the dirty bandage, usually soaked with dark red blood, that makes all the pain intensify.
Ilovepain- sorry, Cheryl- comes over to the bed and props the mattress up a few inches so I"m at a more acute angle. I wince slightly as she removes the bandage. Leo, trying to look away, can't help but glance over at my bare chest as the bandage is taken off.
I imagine this is the first time he's seen a real life Frankenstein. My chest is bruised- the black spots have faded into a strange olive yellowish hue. The staples are readily visible and the skin looks like sandpaper- almost inhuman. I bite my tongue as Nurse Cheryl places a fresh bandage over the tender area, only allowing a ragged sigh to leave my lips as she tidies up and leaves the room.
I turn my head relunctantly to glance at Leo.
My god, I've never seen this man cry before.
Leo McGarry hastily wipes his face. He stutturs for a moment. "It... wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."
Aw, Leo. Horrible Liar. "You don't have to say that, Leo."
I see his hand tremble as he tries to hide another tear that escapes. "God. Josh." He slams his fist into his palm, fury in his tearing eyes. "Those bastards. Those fucking, bigot assholes."
"Stop it," I whisper. It's too much, seeing him so angry.
His eyes widen. Then soften. He looks away for a few long seconds before returning his gaze to mine.
"I just.... I wish...." His voice drops to a whisper- so soft, I'm not sure if I even heard his voice. "I wish it were me, instead."
My own cursed eyes begin to loose their battle with love and sadness. "Don't ever say that to me again, Leo." I choke out as harsh as I can. "Never again."
He's startled. "But-"
"You wouldn't have survived this. If this had happened to you- you would have died." I try to keep my voice matter-of-fact. Immediatly I remind myself to be more respectful, this is the cheif of staff for crying out loud.
"I know. I don't-"
"No!" My mental memo is forgotten as I start too forcefully and cough a bit. "No," I continue more evenly. "If there's one thing I'm thankful of- one thing at all- is that the motherfuckers got me. Not the president. Or Zoey. Or Charlie. Or...." my voice rises a bit. "Or Sam. Or Donna." I conclude, whispering, "Or you."
Damn, he's lost it now. His lip parts and he turns his head, rising quickly and going to stand next to the window, his back to me. I can see his profile is trembling slightly. He returns slowly to stand next to my bed. "You're a good man, Joshua."
"So are you," I reply softly.
He bends at the waist and kisses my temple gently. I'm surprised at this show of affection- affection is kind of taboo among us. He straightens.
"I love you, son."
I'm flabbergasted. Honored. Grateful. "I... I know."
He smiles softly and exits through the Door.
Only after I'm sure he's at the elevator do I let out a gasping sob that I was trying to hold. And I cry until Sam awakes and holds my hand as I relieve myself of those god damn tears of pain, hate, love and sadness. We stay like that until I fall into yet another restless sleep, the hum of the heart machine my only lullaby.
