Rating: PG-13 plus one very very R-rated word
Disclaimer: Not only are these characters or plots not mine, but a whole lot of the dialogue is variations on show dialogue. "Stealing" is an ugly word. Like "mocking". Also (thankfully) the song "Lady Marmalade" is not mine.
Spoilers: "The End of the World" to "Departure" and all the pit stops in between
Author's Notes: My very first attempt at parody...
Email me! [email protected]
~*~
PROLOGUE
Several disorienting flashes of the word MONDAY!!!
THE WB PROMO GUY: Tonight... Fresh From The Frog... on the WB's New Monday Night... after an all-new 7th Heaven... it's... an... all-new... very special... unforgettable......... ROSWELL!
We see several shots of Max putting up his green force field, from various angles, sometimes in slow motion
PROMO GUY: Max Evans is an alien... and... he does something really important... that changes everything... because the fate of the world rests in his hands... Max Evans's hands... this guy right here... after 7th Heaven... right now!
Cut to Maria DeLuca, wearing some kind of oddball outfit, standing in front of a chalkboard. She looks around awkwardly.
MARIA: Um... what he said.
Cue the teaser...
THE TEASER
Fade into the Pod Chamber. A caption under the screen reads...
"Roswell, New Mexico: Home of the Granilith. Approximately 3 minutes and 27 seconds before The Fall. And folks, we ain't talkin' about Autumn."
Max and Tess, only with longer hair and wearing a lot of black leather, come frantically running in.
FUTURE TESS: C'mon, we don't have much time!
FUTURE MAX: What are you talking about? I thought this thing gives us 24 hours.
FUTURE TESS: No! We adjusted it somehow, remember?
FUTURE MAX: In that case, I want to thank you! For every smile! Every kiss!
FUTURE TESS: Max, I don't ha-
FUTURE MAX: Every "Destiny"! Every "What do we do now, Max?" Every mildly catty comment at Liz! Every stroking of my Kingly ego! Every time... you... made me... see... Jell-O!
FUTURE TESS: Max, I don-
FUTURE MAX: Wait, I have more! Every giggle! Every mindwarp! Every duck face! Every massive Skin-killing fireball! Every sassy pop culture reference!
A huge explosion outside knocks them both on the ground in a compromising position. The lie in silence for a minute.
FUTURE TESS: You done?
FUTURE MAX: Yeah, I think so.
FUTURE TESS: Max, I don't have any regrets.
FUTURE MAX: (interrupting) And every time you said you didn't have any regrets! What? That was the last one.
Future Tess groans and shoves a VERY phallic crystal into the Granilith. There is a flash of computer-generated special effects and then Future Tess appears inside a tornado-shaped cone thing. Future Max reaches out and touches her hand through the cone thing, and yells out something she can't hear (it is, in actuality, "Why are you wearing a wristwatch?")
Anyway, Future Tess floats for a little while in the cone... and continues to float.... and looks at that wristwatch... Offscreen, an FX technician is nudged out of the sound, peaceful sleep he was having during the previous scene, and he turns the Granilith on. Future Tess zips into the sky with a resounding "Wheeeeee!" and Future Max falls to the ground sobbing and knocks some trash cans around......
Cut to Max looking out a window, as he rides with Isabel and Michael in "Bob" the Jeep. A new caption says...
"Present Day. Hondo, New Mexico. Home of... I dunno, isn't this where they sent Pierce's guys after White Room? Whatever happened to those guys? You know? No? Are you even reading this? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Leanna is not Leanna. Just kidding. She probably is."
The caption man is so fired. Max sighs.
MAX: I'm so annoying.
MICHAEL: I'm so perfect.
ISABEL: I-
MAX: Where are we going anyway?
ISABEL: We-
MICHAEL: Somewhere where all our questions will be answered.
MAX: Is it River Dog?
MICHAEL: No.
MAX: Good. I couldn't stand that guy.
ISABEL: Hey-
MICHAEL: Don't worry, this will solve all our problems with our non-hybrid freaks.
MAX: I love you, Isabel.
ISABEL: I love you too.
Our heroes reach their destination inside the pod chamber. Max makes the door open with a WHOOSH noise. Then they activate spacey and mysterious orbs and a hologram of the biological mother (who is also Laura! from General Hospital) appears.
LAURA!: You are the royal four.
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, we saw this part. Fast-forward.
LAURA!: (being humorously fast-forwarded) Youweresenttoearthinhumanformtofightevilevilenemiesandonedayreturnandfreeour
peopleyouweremarriedtoeachotherandmaxwasthekingmichaelhadworshippersisabel
wasvilandratesswasprettydarnuselessbutmaxwasinlovewithherandforsomereasonit
ismoreimportanttotellyouthisthanwhereyourenemiesareandhowyoucanstopthemandget
home... (the PLAY button is again hit) Now, as for your futures... I would like to see each of you separately.
Talking to Isabel.
LAURA!: I see that you are going through a lot of serious problems related to the death of your boyfriend. But never fear, he will still be with you as a hallucination. While you may never have a physical relationship with him and you may be diagnosed as a schizophrenic, rest assured that you are spending much more time with him now than you ever were when he was alive. It's more romantic too. (looks over the Destiny Book some more) I also see you having a very important decision to make about your education. Luckily, your brother will make it for you, even though you are older than him, and arguably smarter, and clearly you could kick his ass any day of the week.
ISABEL: But-
LAURA!: Next!
Talking to Michael.
LAURA!: I see much nookie in your future.
MICHAEL: Whoo-hoo!
LAURA!: Your relationship with Maria is just about the least volatile thing on this show. Yes, it's taken nearly two years, but it now ranks below character consistency, coherent science-fiction, and most conventional romantic tension on the Volatile Scale. Good for you!
MICHAEL: I rock.
LAURA!: Almost. Please cut your hair.
Talking to Max.
LAURA!: I've never seen the cards fall this way before. I mean destiny. Not cards, destiny.
MAX: What do you see?
LAURA!: A love triangle will end quick and easy when the girl you're choosing turns out to be an evil mindwarping hell beast, leaving you free to settle for your ex.
MAX: Huh?
LAURA!: You got me. I... I don't even know what's up with this future. I think I have to lie down. It's seems really weird and - but I guess the fates know what they're doing... right? We trust the fates, right? They've never steered us wrong before?
MAX: Are you okay, mommy?
LAURA!: I'm just looking at this Tarot thing - the squirrel represents an alien backstory that has no relevance to anything that we've ever seen happening in the past. And the swordsman represents some kind of convoluted deal about someone bearing your child and - you know, I think this is even worse than that fake destiny those girls with MAXANDLIZ4EVA tattoos gave me a couple of weeks ago. I- I'm sorry, I can't read any more of this future, I think I'm having a brain embolism.
She leaves and Max is perplexed.
MAX: Wow, I almost wish it had been River Dog.
Later than night. A caption reads:
"Damn! Is this the longest teaser ever or what?"
Max is hanging around in his room, listening to Moby and dancing around with a white veil pointlessly.
MAX: I'm a king. I am the man. Who's the man? Me. I am. The man.
FLASH! Future Tess appears in the window suddenly.
FUTURE TESS: Max?
Max screams like a little girl and puts up the green force field for no good reason.
Opening credits.
SCENE ONE
Just where we've left off, only everything has been explained over the commercial break.
MAX: So you're Tess from the future coming back so I can help you change the present, eh?
FUTURE TESS: I just said that.
MAX: NO! I don't believe you! Time travelling defies everything in physics and reality and most good science-fiction! (Max jumps around the room and continues yelling incoherently. No one else in the house hears him)
FUTURE TESS: Listen to me, Max! This is very serious! I knew I had to come back and only you could help me save the show...
MAX: Get out! Get out! Get out! You're not really Future Tess!
FUTURE TESS: ... so I stuck the phallic crystal into the Granilith and zoomed away!
MAX: (stops yelling and looks confused) Wait, doesn't the Granilith give you 24 hours?
FUTURE TESS: (getting angry) We adjusted it somehow! GOD!
MAX: Okay, sheesh, don't go all "Beastmaster" on me! I'm sorry.
FUTURE TESS: Max, just focus. You need to help me fall out of love with you. I've got it bad and that ain't good. Now, if I weren't the real deal from the future, I wouldn't be able to tell the future. But in two seconds, I will be outside your window singing the new cover of "Lady Marmalade" to you. Accompanied by a very large boombox.
Just as she says this, some music and the words "Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister..." sung by L'il Kim and the gang start faintly drifting into the room. Max looks outside and sees present Tess, in full 19th century French prostitute garb, dancing and lip-synching next to said very large boombox.
TESS: "He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans/ Struttin' her stuff on the street/ She said - Hello, hey Max, wanna give it a go?"
MAX: Oh, dear God in heaven. (looks back at Future Tess) I mean... so, uh, what are you doing here again?
FUTURE TESS: We have to change the future so you and Tess don't hook up.
TESS: "Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da...."
MAX: Fine by me. But why?
FUTURE TESS: (takes a deep breath) Okay, you were being very bitchy to everyone and driving them away, then I seduced you with black turtlenecks and other lavish gifts, then you got me pregnant in the town observatory and the baby was dying, then we thought we needed to go home. Then it turned out me and Nasedo were really working with Khivar the whole time and y'all found out that I really mindwarped Kyle and Alex, like, five million times and I killed Alex. And then I mindwarped Kyle some more. And then - no wait - yes, some more again after that.
MAX: Wait, slow down - you killed Alex? I don't believe it.
FUTURE TESS: Well, of course not. I mindwarped you into not believing it just now.
MAX: I thought you saved us, like, a million times.
FUTURE TESS: That was a mindwarp.
MAX: But Nasedo was on our side and he died and-
FUTURE TESS: I think that might have been part of a mindwarp too. It's so hard to keep them straight.
MAX: and then the Skins kidnapped you that time and-
FUTURE TESS: Yeah, that was a mindwarp too.
MAX: But you were so nice to the Valen-
FUTURE TESS: Definitely a mindwarp.
MAX: And what about-
FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.
MAX: I didn't even-
FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.
MAX: Wait, but how-
FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.
MAX: Jesus!
FUTURE TESS: I know.
MAX: That doesn't make sense.
FUTURE TESS: That's what I'm trying to tell you, Max. If we don't change the future, it will lead to... The End Of The Continuity!
Back to present Tess, gyrating madly.
TESS: "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
MAX: Did she just say she wants to sleep with me?
FUTURE TESS: I didn't say it would be a piece of cake.
MAX: Gulp.
This is the point where Max's competent parents would question the little blond girl having some sort of convulsive seisure outside their home, if Max had any competent parents. Luckily, an unseen caring neighbor has reported a disturbance of the peace, and so Tess and her boombox are dragged away screaming. (yes, the boombox is screaming as well. Christina Aguilera's section has begun)
TESS: It was you, Max! I'm coming for you! There's somethin' about you! I want you to see me! You're my dreamboy!
Max watches over this scene a minute, wondering if she'll need bail money, then abandons the thought, and goes back inside.
SCENE TWO
Inside, Future Tess is looking wistfully at her weird prom book where she ranted like a Fan Forum poster about Britney Spears and how she hearts Max forever - don't ask why its in Max's house, just work with me here.
MAX: I'm sorry, but I need you to explain it some more. What was up with Las Cruces and that shack with the bomb in it?
FUTURE TESS: You know I can't tell you, Max. You only need to know what we're trying to prevent. See, I found another Destiny Book - only this one was called "Future Roswell Storylines by Jason Katims" I realized it's the key to everything! If something bad is coming in the future, we can prevent it by altering the storyline, so the chain of events is disrupted. We just have to stop one thing that happened... you and I had sex.
MAX: I'm sorry, what?
FUTURE TESS: It's true.
MAX: No, I'm not familiar with that lingo. What do you mean "had sex"?
FUTURE TESS: You know, we did it, we screwed, we fu-
MAX: Huh?
FUTURE TESS: I jumped. Your bones, Max.
MAX: Ohhhhh. OH! Are you talking about spending the night together?
FUTURE TESS: Oy. Fine, I guess so.
MAX: So we made love.
FUTURE TESS: Yes, okay, Max. That's what we did. We made love.
MAX: Wow. Things advanced.
FUTURE TESS: Yes.
MAX: Something came up between us.
FUTURE TESS: Yes. And ew.
MAX: We made the beast with-
FUTURE TESS: Ugh!
MAX: Sorry, I'm just clarifying! "Had sex" - who talks like that? Hey, what was it like?
FUTURE TESS: Hot and alien. And the point of culmination lasted an hour.
MAX: (sadly) Tess... if this works, I'll never have that point of culmination.
FUTURE TESS: No, you won't.
MAX: (thinks it over) And why are we doing this again?
FUTURE TESS: Because! The fate of the world-
MAX: Rests. In my hands. Yeah. I know. I saw the promo.
FUTURE TESS: Well, you could be a little more enthusiastic about it.
MAX: (sighs) Alright, what do we have to do?
SCENE THREE
Cut to Max climbing uninvited into Liz's window in the middle of the night, as she lies in bed in her pajamas. She is generally fine with this.
LIZ: Is everything okay?
MAX: Liz, please don't say anything for a minute. There's something I have to tell you, and I just want to make sure I get to say it all, you know? Because I had it all prepared. And I don't want you breaking in and saying anything. Nothing at all. Not even right now. Because then what I say will get messed up. I need silence to say my big important monologue I am about to give you, so please, quiet down and listen and don't say a single-
LIZ: Max, it's okay! You're the only one talking!
MAX: (throws hands over his ears and yells) No! Shut up, shut up! You're throwing me off! I've completely lost my train of thought now! La la la la la! (Max composes himself and remembers his important speech) Okay, I re-read Romeo and Juliet last night, and somehow it convinced me that I want to have se- I mean, make love to you.
LIZ: You are so ubiquitous! I don't want to hear your inane comments when you're leaving out one pertinent fact -
Max sees what's going on and quickly lifts up Liz's shirt and reveals a Courtney-esque silver switch on her back. He turns it from "Dawson's Creek - Joey Potter" to "Roswell - Liz Parker".
LIZ: Thanks. What I meant was: I'm sorry, Max, but I'm not ready to make love to anyone at this particular stage of my life.
MAX: Oh come on, I forgave you for so many things! You know, like sleeping with Kyle... while we were broken up. And like kissing Sean... while we were broken up. And having an opinion on, like, anything.
LIZ: You see, Max? You don't want to admit why we're not together. Because the reason is YOU! ARE! RESPONSIBLE!
MAX: (evil glare. creepy intonation.) Well, then I guess our friendship is over.
He storms away and goes back through the window as Liz sits, sadly remembering that she's seen him shirtless many times, and so she knows there is no dial on his own back that could be set to "Season One - Max Evans" or "Season Two - Michael Guerin". Or maybe "The Piano - Holly Hunter".
SCENE FOUR
Max returns to Future Tess, who has witnessed the last exchange and is staring at him with her mouth wide open. Max whimpers and then bursts into hysterical sobs, wiping his nose on his sleeve. Future Tess hands him a tissue.
MAX: You... you're not disappearing. It didn't work.
FUTURE TESS: No shit.
MAX: What now? How do I keep us from making sex... having love... I'm getting them all mixed up now! (bursts into tears again)
FUTURE TESS: Maybe you could try treating me like you've been treating Liz and Isabel.
MAX: But I thought I was!
FUTURE TESS: You have to try harder. You have to let yourself change.... at least stop crying for a minute.
MAX: (clams up) Okay, I've got an idea. (he picks up a cell phone and dials Tess's number... he speaks into the phone) You're an alien slut trashy ho bag and I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns! You whore! I..... Oh... hi, Sheriff Valenti.... no- I- er- is Tess home?
Future Tess rolls her eyes. Max uses his alien powers to put the cell phone in Speaker Mode.
VALENTI ON PHONE: Tess, pick up! Max wants to verbally assault you!
Present Tess gets on the phone and William Sadler lies down to rest his vocal chords from the truly exhausting screen time he's had.
TESS ON PHONE: Hey! What's up?
MAX: Hey! I wanted to tell you that if I was the last man on Earth and you were the last woman and we had to make love to save the species, I still wouldn't. In fact, I would kill you and use you as a source of food! And then I hope you would rot in HELL! You... um... retarded cunt with ugly hair!!!!
Future Tess gives Max a big thumbs up sign
TESS ON PHONE: Whatever you say, Max.
MAX: (confused) Uh... I say you suck! (looks up at Future Tess all "wha-?" and she shrugs)
TESS ON PHONE: Okay. Whatever you think is probably right. See you at school.
MAX: (dumbfounded) Yeah... see ya. (hangs up)
FUTURE TESS: Goddamn!
MAX: I think I'm in love.
FUTURE TESS: No! No, no, no! Max, 20 minutes before I came here, Liz managed to form an entire murder conspiracy theory on tapping fingers! TAPPING! FINGERS! And she was RIGHT! Now you HAVE to do something to stop this crap, Max!
MAX: I give up. What could I do that would make you turn away from me?
They ponder this question straight into a...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Some talking animals want you to buy them food. Then some other talking animals want you to eat them. Then an older relative of yours in the room finds cause to make his or her 38th observation that, indeed, almost every other advertisement involves the words. " .COM" And watch Felicity, people. Really.
Back to the show...
SCENE FIVE
Future Tess and Max are in an unfamiliar bathroom.
FUTURE TESS: Are you sure this is going to work?
MAX: Oh, just shut up and blindly follow everything I say.
FUTURE TESS: I am so sick of that.
MAX: Trust me, this will fix everything.
FUTURE TESS: But I would never be jealous of-
MAX: Could you turn around?
FUTURE TESS: Max, several thousand Americans saw your bare chest already. I think we can handle the full monty.
Max pouts and takes his clothes off.
MAX: It's just... you know, this cold weather we've been having... here in New Mexico... the (mumbles) snow and all.
FUTURE TESS: Noted. Just get out there before Present Me shows up.
Max leaves the bathroom and looks uneasy.
MAX: So, um, you know I made it actually clear we aren't actually going to consummate.
KYLE: Yeah, it's okay. I meditated on this situation and I'm at peace with it.
MAX: I'm sure you are.
They awkwardly hop into the bed together.
KYLE: So... um... how are things?
MAX: Things are good.
KYLE: Good.
Kyle twiddles his thumbs
KYLE: You know, if you wanted to consummate I'd be at peace with that too. (Max glares) No, okay, I get it, never mind.
MAX: It's just that I realized I see you more as... family, Kyle. Like a sister.
KYLE: (hopefully) Like Isabel?
MAX: No, a sister whose pants I don't want to get into.
KYLE: Crap.... Wait, we're not even going to do oral-
MAX: I am five seconds from putting up the green shield, buddy!
KYLE: Can we at least cuddle?
MAX: Well... okay, fine.
Kyle and Max cuddle. Somewhere, for some reason, the song "Blackbird" is now playing. As predicted, Present Tess walks up to Max's door, black turtleneck in hand.
TESS: Max, I just saw the ugliest cheapest thing on sale and I thought of y-
She gasps in horror at seeing Kyle and Max cudding. They freeze. Cut to them. Cut to her. Cut back to them. This goes on for roughly 3 minutes. "Blackbird" ends. On to "Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!" FINALLY, Tess opens her mouth and breaks it down, Parker-style.
TESS: Max, I can't believe you - with him? I had flashes for you, I gave up my spine for you! God, Max, I saved myself for you! I was suffocating! This last year has been so hard for me, it's like I've been waiting for bad news - "Oh yeah, by the way Tess, I remembered I'm gay and I love Kyle." (to Kyle) And YOU! You lived in my home! I mean, I lived in your home! (calms down a little) I don't know maybe I've just been holding on to something and I need to let go.
With this, Tess notices that, yes, she is indeed still holding onto something - the turtleneck. She throws it into a nearby trash can and storms away. Kyle jumps out of bed and tries to run after her.
KYLE: Hey, wait! Tess! Don't tell the guys on the football team, okay? Especially not Malamud? Okay? Tess? Sweetie? We cool?
Cut to Present Tess running, biting her lip and looking all sad.
Cut to Max in bed, trying to remember his stage direction.
Cut to Future Tess in the bathroom, managing to contain a fit of laughter.
SCENE SIX
Max and Future Tess are sitting out in the middle of the desert, the hot sun reflecting nicely off the black leather they are now both sporting.
MAX: What happens now, Tess?
FUTURE TESS: I don't know.
Max is staring at her.
FUTURE TESS: What?
MAX: I'm sorry, I'm just thinking still... we did go to New York during that time, right? When you were still mindwarping Alex?
FUTURE TESS: Oh for God's sake, Max, it's over. Leave it alone.
MAX: I'm just trying to make some sense of it, that's all. You faked every one of those fifty reels of Swedish slide shows he came back with? And why was he acting all cool for a while? And why the hell didn't Nasedo just translate the book for you?
FUTURE TESS: That's not important, it doesn't matter now.
MAX: It does matter! Motivation matters, Tess! Yours, mine, his!
FUTURE TESS: Can't you just say it was all "dramatic effect"?
Max starts to have a brain embolism.
FUTURE TESS: Not again. Look, how can I make it up to you?
MAX: Before you go, can we have sex?
FUTURE TESS: What?
MAX: I want to have my Observatory Sex.
FUTURE TESS: Oh, I really don't think we have the time for that. Oh! I could mindwarp you into thinking we had sex.
MAX: Can you do that?
FUTURE TESS: Sure I can. Remember when we first met and I gave you fantasies all the time about making out? It'll be like that.
MAX: Wow! You remember something that happened way back a year ago?
FUTURE TESS: It's a new world, Max.
MAX: Well, yeah, whatever. Less chatting and more mindwarp sex, we don't have all day.
Future Tess scrunches up her face. Meanwhile...
SCENE SEVEN
Present Tess sits on a park bench, looking sad and forlorn. Liz comes by.
LIZ: Do you want to talk about it?
TESS: No.
LIZ: Can I sit down?
TESS: No.
Liz sits down anyway.
LIZ: Do you... want me to leave?
TESS: Yes.
Liz does not leave.
LIZ: Can I put my hand on your shoulder?
TESS: Absolutely not.
Liz puts her hand on Tess's shoulder. They look up at each other. As they stare into each other's eyes, they lean in slowly and...
TESS: Seriously, move or you will wake up tomorrow with one testicle.
Liz makes an EEK noise and scoots over. Tess pouts.
TESS: Great. Stuck on a bench with Liz Parker.
LIZ: For your information, it's not so great being stuck here with you either.
TESS: Well, I'm thinking of leaving town.
LIZ: Oh no, you can't do that. A while back, Future Max told me that we need you. I wasn't supposed to say anything for some reason, but I went ahead and told several people who weren't Max already, so I guess I could tell you.
TESS: Wow, really? Thanks for letting me know that truly valuable piece of information. I guess I will stay. See? Now everything works out fine.
LIZ: And we've all learned a valuable lesson.
They smile towards the camera.
SCENE EIGHT - EPILOGUE
Back to Max with Future Tess, who slowly vanishes, calling "Take me, UPN!" Once she is gone, Max breaks out of his mindwarp, lights up a cigarette, and pulls out a leather-bound journal. A slow, moody old Lilith Fair-ish song begins to play, as he sits pensively and writes...
MAX VOICE-OVER: It's May 21st, I'm Max Evans and the fate of the world rests in my hands. (he makes a face and crosses that out) What I mean is, it's May 21st, I'm Max Evans, and I think I know why I haven't written in this journal since my 4th grade teacher stopped making us. It's so ironic that I figured out something really deep from, like, the least deep visitor from an alternate future in America.
We try to have responsible, logical plots. But sometimes they take us where we never were prepared to go. And they make our viewers feel angry, excited, and confused - especially confused - all at once.
But at least my heart is open... and I'm feeling... I'm breathing... I'm remembering really hot imaginary alien sex.
Max sighs contently and puts the journal away, as his fingers tap out the drum solo to In-A-Godda-Da-Vida and we pan up towards the stars. Fade to black. THE END.
-------
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