Scene: Mussolini�s House, Pit outside of the Italian restaurant
Characters: Saddam Hippie Squirrel (SHS), Osama Hippie Squirrel (OHS), Hitler�s Buddy (HB), Mussolini (M), Stalin (S), Dubya (D), Hitler (H), Osama Turtle (OT), Saddam Turtle (ST), Saddam Giraffe (SG), Osama Giraffe (OG), Saddam Hussein (SH), Osama Bin laden (OBL), And The Waiter (W)
SHS: *Yawns* Good morning! *Notices every one else is asleep* I better send my squirrel sense to Osama! *Sends his sense*
OHS: *Twitches and then pops up from his sleep* My squirrel sense is tingling!
SHS: *Chuckles* Oh yeah, I needed some one to chat with, cause I was lonely. Sure I was only awake for one minute�I can still be lonely! Stop yelling at me!
OHS: *Yawns* Why would I yell at you? Ah, well that�s all good to know. Lets go take a tree climb!
SHS: NO! Can�t you see that we are squirrel freaks! *Cries* I just want to be myself, you know to be able to go through a door way and not get stuck cause of my huge and noticeable tail. And you know every one stares at our fur and they laugh! And then they say �Ew look at those squirrel freaks. They are so freaky they should die!� *Slams his fist on a table or something near* That�s what they say! I�m going to Portugal!
OSH: No! We can push through this! Remember when were stuck in the bear cage?
SHS: Yes I remember. We got out of there when we discovered the door was open, and we had been facing the wrong direction. So that means we can accomplish anything!
OSH: I know we can! Later when Mussolini wakes we will make him get us back to out normal selves! But until then let�s go scurry and gather acorns!
SHS: Alright. I might as well enjoy my freak-ism! I guess being a freak aint all that bad� But then again who am I kidding. I am just a freak! *Frowns and sniffles*
OSH: That�s what we all need to do. Enjoy our freak-ism. Well all being just us two�well you know what I mean. Don�t you?
SHS: *Sniffles* I can�t take it! I�m going to the bathroom to cry! *Runs over to the bathroom. Shuts and locks the door. We hear Saddam sobbing*
OSH: *To himself* He has to work this out himself, I just have to let him get it all out. *Sees acorns* Oh yay acorns! *Scurries out side to gather acorns and various leafs*
SHS: Where is Osama? Why isn�t he comforting me!? *Cries even more*
*For about ten minutes we hear Saddam sobbing and Osama scurrying*
OSH: *Runs into the house. His cheeks filled with acorns and leaves. Muffled* Hey Saddam are you done with your sobbing?
SHS: *Sob and Sniffles* Mhm, I think I am�did you bring me acorns and leaves? Cause I am a freak with a hankering for some leaves, acorns, and�pie! *Opens the door a bit*
OSH: How could I forget Saddam? We are like brothers you and I.
SHS: *Nods* Except without the fighting about brotherly things. *Pauses* Can I have my acorns and leaves now? Cause I got that hankering�
OSH: Oh sure! *Gives Saddam acorns and leaves* Don�t eat them to fast or you�ll get a tummy ache. We don�t want that, now do we?
SHS: *Muffled and what not* No we don�t�*Cough. Cough* I�m choking�*Cough. Cough*
OSH: *Nervous* Umm let me remember what to do here, OH NO I can�t remember! Good thing Mussolini has a chart about this right here�*Looks and reads it* Ok it says ask if the person is choking. Alright, *Raises his voice* SADDAM are you choking?
SHS: *Cough. Cough. Then he nods. Cough. Cough*
OSH: I�m going to need a yes or no answer so I�ll ask once more cause your not responding� SADDAM! Are you choking?
SHS: *COUGH. COUGH. Yells* YES! *Cough. Cough*
OSH: Oh alright then�*Does the Heimlich and the lodged acorn flies out* Now Saddam was it really that hard to just say yes? I mean come on it was just a �Yes� or �No�.
SHS: *Glares. Cough. Cough* I was choking I couldn�t talk� Stupid! *Takes a deep breath*
OSH: *Sarcastically* Oh well then it�s my fault! The chart told me to ask! I can�t disobey the chat can I?
SHS: Yes you could have! I could have died just now!
OSH: But did you? I don�t think so� So it�s all good. And the chart saved you. With it�s handy and grand directions.
*Both of them start to eat and go on eating for quite a while. Cuts to the guest room where Hitler�s gay sailing poker buddy awakes*
HB: *Yawns* Ah the sun is shining and it looks like a beautiful day ahead of me! *It suddenly darkens starts to storms* Aw shucks! Why is it whenever I say things that are positive and good that everything goes bad for me!? HUH!? I�m like one of them mutant freaks in Portugal! With all the super natural powers, but it�s just me, Chuck. Why does it go bad for me all the time�why?
OSH: I�m not sure Chuck. *Chuck is frightened* But your no freak, there are bigger freaks. Like Saddam and me! Just look at us!
HB: *Is startled* How long have you been there?
OSH: Long enough to know that you�re kind of crazy.
HB: Crazy like a dog, who is rabid. With rabies!
OSH: Exactly�can you make breakfast? I�m still hungry those acorns and leaves don�t fill as much as I thought they would. I mean I ate a tree full of leaves and acorns and I�m not full�what�s up with that!?
HB: *Ponders* I�m not sure but I might be able to find out�If I�m prepared with the right equipment *Wink. Wink*
OSH: *Scared and creeped out* Yes, well Mussolini has pans and everything you will need. So get to it bub! Or I might have to hurt you. *Shakes fist and glares*
HB: Alright, alright don�t go crazy. I�ll be right there, I need to get on my cooking clothes� They consist of a �Kiss the Cook� apron. *Chuckles* Oh it gets me every time�and pig looking oven mitts and a nice chef hat� Oh I love my cooking outfit it�s so dandy�and snazzy like Hitler�s dress shoes and sweater vests.
OBL: Right�I�m going out side to graze. *Leaves to go graze out side*
HB: *Confused* Squirrels don�t graze�or�do they? *Walks into the kitchen and makes breakfast for everyone*
M: *Wakes to the smell of his favorite breakfast* Do I smell� *Takes a big sniff*
S: *Runs up to the bedroom window and says* You sure do smell Mussolini! *Then runs away*
M: *Is mad but then moves on* I smell�SPAGHETTI! *Runs out to the kitchen*
*Mussolini wakes everyone else with his screams and running*
HB: You sure do! I know you love it so I thought I would make it for you cause you know you that special!
M: I sure am�just look at me I am so great! *Is proud of himself*
HB: That�s enough lets not get all self-absorbed�or I might have to set you strait�with vengeance and pain and shock therapy! *Squeals* Oh I love shock therapy!
M: Who wouldn�t love it?
HB: The person�getting all shocked.
M: Ah.
HB: Yeah, so stop with your self absorbed ways�of the absorption of yourself.
M: *Is saddened and what not* Alright *Shlumpily sits and eats* MMMM! Yummy, you have out done your self this time!
HB: I do what I can!
*Cuts to the bedroom*
D: *Is upset cause he was waken up bad* ARG! I was having the best dream! It was about me being the president again�and starting more wars. I love starting wars! Making all the punks in other poor countries suffer and what not. It�s like some kind of Christmas present from me to me! And I open it and I love it! Any ways�mmm do I smell popcorn? I think I do! *Runs into the kitchen with a twitch every now and then*
HB: Yes I was thinking of you when I made it. Cause you�re the only one who would ever have popcorn for breakfast. And I thought it would be easy to make so I went and made it.
D: How kind of you! You�re the bestest Chuck ever!
HB: I�m the only Chuck ever.
D: Sure whatever. *Walks over to the table and sits down*
*Cuts back to the guest room as Hitler wakes*
H: *Yawn* Hm. *To himself* Am I the last to wake? Every one else gets a nice wake up but not Hitler! Just cause I lost Eva and almost everything that matters to me doesn�t mean a thing! I still need to be woken up! *Pouts* It�s not like I don�t exist!
D: *Yells from the kitchen* Hitler wake up! Come get some break fast cause it�s good! And I care about you�just not that much�
H: *Strait faced* Gee does that make me feel special�
D: It should�It dun came from my heart
OSH: *Comes back in the house after his grazing* AH! My grazing is done! *Munch. Munch*
SHS: Osama where have you been?
OSH: Grazing�where were you!?
SHS: Eating acorns and leaves in the bathroom�while sobbing it wasn�t as easy as it sounds. You got to eat and then do a little sobbing eat a little more a little more sobbing. Goes on like that for quite a while.
OSH: Oh. *Pats his shoulder* There, there. It�s better now. Want to go and sit at the table and discuss things that almost matter to us?
SHS: I guess that might make me feel better. Like war! But what is it good for?
OSH: Absolutely nothing! Now say it again!
SHS: *Gets into it* WAR! *Grunt* Good god ya�ll! What is it good for?
OSH: Okay that�s enough�
SHS: *Is saddened* Aw�
OSH: Why did you grunt earlier?
SHS: I thought it fit the conversation we were having�
OSH: *Confused* Alright� Off to the kitchen table we go!
*Both walk into the kitchen and the try and take a seat but it doesn�t work out so well*
SHS: I don�t fit! *Is sad* WHY DON�T I FIT!? *Is angered* AH!
OSH: Your tail is in the way, don�t worry I will move it out of the way for you. *Moves his tail* There is that better?
SHS: *Calms a bit* Oh my tail, my big freaky bushy tail! THAT ONE!?
OSH: Yeah, that�s the one.
SHS: God I am such a freak of nature! I need to die�Mussolini where�s your gun?
M: Top drawer of my china cabinet. *Slurps his spaghetti* Mmmm oh this spaghetti is so great Chuck how did you make this so well?
HB: Oh my special blend oh herbs and spices and my special tomato blend I think all put together it gives it a little extra punch. Don�t you?
M: Oh of course it�s very punchy�
HB: I�m glad you like it!
SHS: I�ll be right back. *Walks out of the room and opens the top drawer of the china cabinet. Shouts* I don�t see it!
M: *Shouts* Keep looking I know it�s in there!
OSH: NO! STOP THIS MADNESS! Come back here! *Runs out and grabs him* This isn�t the way to do things. I say we ask Mussolini for his wonderful plans.
SHS: That could work�or it couldn�t. *Dramatic Music*
OSH: It will!
SHS: Oh alright then.
OSH: Mussolini�today is the day where your plan for us comes true! We shall call it �Operation Squirrel Doom.� Where you make us back into humans and will be all happy and Saddam will then stop trying to kill himself and try to go to that curse-ed place Portugal. *Cringes* Portugal is one evil place I tell you.
D: How do you know?
OHS: I went there once on a trip to see my aunt Ellen�she was always evil. Once she tried to give me a dead cat and pass it off as a live one. The cat was dirty and it smelled of ham and vomit�it was wrong of her.
D: Oh okay then�*Shakes head* Poor cat
SHS: Any way will you give us plans for �Operations Squirrel Doom!�?
M: Oh alright. It sounds good to me. Yay squirrelly doom! But first we shall get ready for the day and to go out to dinner afterwards. There�s an Italian restaurant right next to the pit.
D: Yay spaghetti dinner for me! *Points to a person as he says you* And you, and you, and you, and you, and you!
H: I�m putting on my special sweater vest! Cause these are special times.
OSH: *Nods* They sure are. *Screams of glee* I am so excited!
SHS: Oh me too! I just want to be human again�this tail freaks me out and it�s hideous like some kind of hideous thing. A lot like Bon Jovi! *Takes out a picture* And he calls that hair. ICK!
*All get ready for a grand day*
H: Oh phooey! I need to run home and get my sweater vest and feed my dog. Joe! He likes food. What time shall I come back?
M: Around three o� clock� That good for you?
H: *Opens the door* Oh yes it tis�. Bye all *Waves and closes the door*
OSH: I�m going to comb my fur. Got to look good for people.
SHS: I�m going to make toast�I like toast!
*Hours later the house is bustling with excitement and the smell of toast*
M: STOP SADDAM! That�s your tenth loaf of bread. Enough toast making!
SHS: NO! I need it! *Munches*
M: Enough! You must stop! *Unplugs toaster*
SHS: *Is saddened* Aw, I like toast
*Cuts to Hitler�s house*
H: Here Joe! *Gives Joe some food then walks to his room* Ah my sweater vest. *Looks at his watch* Oh my it�s almost three. I best get out of here and back to Mussolini�s. But first I should check the answering machine. *Checks his machine* Figures! No messages. Just once, once! I�d like a message! *Hitler Leaves*
*The Clock strikes three just as Hitler walks in the door*
H: *Sigh of relief* Phew I made it� I thought I wasn�t going to but then I did so there is no reason to fret any more.
SHS: *Comes running down the stairs* Hurry let�s get out of here!
*Every one rushes out of Mussolini�s and then all walk down to the pit� That is right in front of the Italian restaurant*
SHS: There it is�the pit of DOOM, that I fell in. I ought to show it a lesson! *Starts to charge but Osama holds him back* Let me go I must show that pit who is boss it must DIE!! Turning me to this horrible beast freak man I am today!
OSH: No it will only release more pain on you and suffering. Can�t forget the suffering!
SHS: Right we can�t�*Turns to the pit* Lucky YOU, you darn pit!
M: Well you do have to jump in and die a bunch of time till your human again�sorry about the mix up�
SHS: I�ll show you yet dumb pit, you thought you were getting out of this pain and suffering I�m going to give you. Well guess what, your not! JERK!
M: Ok so be ready to jump in and �die.�
OSH: Alrighty I am.
SHS: Me too!
*Both jump in to die. Both Saddam and Osama scream in pain. Saddam punches the pit and then both of them die a light emerges from the pit and then two turtles come out*
OT: *Happily* Hey I am a turtle! *Realizes* Not a human.
ST: I want to be human!! HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN! With a human neck! Not no freak turtle�
M: Hm alright more pushing into the pit I guess!
*Pushes them back in and the both make dying noises and then die. A big light comes from the pit with more harpy music playing*
SG: Uh, I�m a giraffe. *Frustrated* A GIRAFFE! PUSH ME BACK!
OG: Me too, I guess. Although this is still some fun. Look at my neck�it�s pretty dandy.
*Both get pushed back in and Saddam says*
SG: This is it I can taste it�*Lip smacking noises are being made*
*Then the strongest light comes out and the bestest harp music plays and two humans come out*
SH: I AM HUMAN! Finally I feel so complete and great! I have a neck!
OBL: Woo! No more looking at squirrels in that lovey kind of way�
D: *Looks Disgusted* Ew you were in love with a squirrel? That�s creepy Osama. Your creepy!
OBL: I was a squirrel so it was only reasonable! Don�t be hurter.
D: I�m so very sorry. *Looks ashamed*
SH: *Happy with glee* Gah, I am so happy. Who�s happy? ME! That�s who�
M: *Interrupts* Italian restaurant victory dinner time!
H: Finally! Now I can show off my great sweater vest. Cause look at it. It�s just so great! Who wouldn�t like it? WHO!? If some one didn�t like it�I would be crushed. And I would go into a break down�
D: Stalin wouldn�t, and now Eva won�t like it cause you know she hates you again.
H: *Is saddened* It was rhetorical�thanks for reminding me of the hurt�*Is still sad*
D: No problem that�s why I am here�oh wait you were being sarcastic. I�m sorry, truly I am!
H: Oh sure cover it with lies�filthy LIES!
D: My lies aren�t filthy! And those weren�t lies!
OBL: Stop this! It�s Saddam and I�s victory dinner, don�t ruin it with hatred and lies.
D: But I wasn�t lying!
H: LIES! MORE FILTHY, FILTHY LIES!
M: Sure you wasn�t, sure�
SH: It�s so great to be human again. Don�t you think so Osama?
OBL: I do like being human, although the turtle wasn�t that bad�
SH: Not as bad as I thought I would be�but human is better!
OBL: I concur!
M: It�s spaghetti time!
*All enter the restaurant, they pick up six menus and find Mussolini�s favorite table and they all sit and study the menu*
W: *Nods to all as he says their names* Mussolini, Hitler, Dubya, Chuck, Osama, Saddam. What will you have tonight? *Looks at Mussolini*
M: Uh the usual three of everything�I�m hungry, hungry like a hippo! Oh and some hippo too!
W: Alright then, *Looks at Hitler* and you?
H: Um let me see. *Checks the menu* Give me some spaghetti jambalaya and throw in some roasted garlic slabs. Extra garlic!
W: *Cringes and then looks at Dubya* And you Dubya?
D: I�ll take the Italian fried popcorn ball with some spaghetti on the side.
W: *To himself* Whoa, odd choices we have. *Clears his throat* And you Chuck?
HB: Nothing for me�Hitler and me are sharing. *Winks at Hitler and Hitler winks back*
W: Alright that was odd�Saddam and Osama what will you two have?
SH: Um three plates of spaghetti, extra large diet coke, and lots of rolls. Throw in some leaves too.
OBL: Brownie fried garlic puffs�and some Rum! ALSO, I�d like some leaves. And acorns!
W: Alright I will be back soon with your food and-
SH: *Interrupts* You better make it snappy or there�s some Portugal cursing on you!
W: *In agony* NOOOO! I�ll get it right now! Cause we just remodeled the bathroom�remember?
OBL: I do, so you best hurry! *Shakes fist and chants Portugal*
W: *Runs into the kitchen crying and what not* No! The bathroom, it looks so good!
*Ten to fifteen minutes later the waiter comes out carrying six platters of food*
W: Hey here�s your food. *Hands out their food to them*
HB: What took so long�?
W: Well we were in the kitchen and there was this bug. And he was all flying around being bug like so we started swatting at it and then some one finally hit and it died�and then your food was done and then I brought it on out to you and here we are. Also I went to the bathroom and cried for a bit.
HB: I guess that�s a good enough excuse�but I�m watching you�*Watches the waiter*
W: Alright I am a little creeped out, so I am going now. *Leaves*
*All eat and make sounds that they like the food they are eating. The scene ends with them all chatting it up at the victory dinner and then finish and go home to Mussolini�s*
And Scene