Scene: Frolicking Field, The Park, Dubya�s House
Characters: **In Order of Appearance** Stalin (S), Italian Chef (IC), Little Jimmy (LJ), Lady (L), King Mitch (KM), Squirrel Friend (SF), Suzy (SU), Scruffy the Janitor (SJ), Hitler (H), Dubya (D), Osama Bin Laden (OBL), and Saddam Hussein (SH)
*Scene opens with Stalin, The Italian Chef, and Little Jimmy all stuck in the horrible cage located in the sandbox of doom*
S: Hello?
IC: *Stuck there also* Well Hi!
S: No, not you! I need someone to help us�some one not in this cage� this cage of DOOM!
LJ: *Smacks Italian Chef* Yeah you fool!
IC: I aint no fool! *Time passes and he laughs out of nowhere* That�s a goodin�
*All are confused*
S: You�re a moron you know that, Mr. Italian Chef!?
IC: Oh call me Jeff!
S: Well alright! You�re a moron you know that, Jeff?
IC: I know�*Sits there with a smile on his face*
L: *Starts to walk by* Oh look a sand box�it seems so boxy�*Marvels some more*
S: Excuse me, could you help us out of here? You see we�re stuck�and the key, well it�s over there by that crazy tree. The ones that�s watching me. *Gasps* I�ve said too much!
IC: *Starts to scream like a lunatic* THE BEES!�they are coming�*Screams more* Watch out!
L: Bees?! *Screams and runs away*
S: *Smacks him* There are no bees!
IC: It was a dream�
S: You were awake!
IC: Well I�m a moron, you know that!?
S: *Nods* You sure are�
KM: *Comes a strolling by whistling and sees a squirrel* OH! Hi there!
S: Hi Mitch! Will you help us out of this here sandbox? You see we are stuck in it�and no one else would help us! There was this lady, but the Italian Chef scared her away, with his talk of bees�*Glares at the Italian Chef. He sits and smiles*
KM: I was talking to the squirrel. *The squirrel squeaks with glee and laughs in their faces* That�s right squirrel friend! *Squeak* Yeah! Lets be best friends forever!
FC: *Happy* Squeak! *Points and laughs at others*
*They start to spin around, because of their newly found friendship and then start to walk away*
S: *Panicky* Uh�uh if you um help us out, I�ll uhm take you with us into the�*Searching for an answer* the�*Finds an answer* the future!�yeah that�s it the future *Moves his hands mystically* FUTURE! Oooo, OOOO, OOOOO!
KM: *Turns to them* The�*Walks back to them* the future!?
S: Yes, the future!
SF: Squeak?
S: YES! The FUTURE!
LJ: The future?
S: YES! The freaking future! *The Italian Chef starts to speak but is smacked* Yep, the future.
KM: Okay I think I�ll help you! Where�s the key my good sir?
S: By that tree!
KM: Okay! *Runs over to the tree and grabs the key. Then runs back and unlocks the cage and then lends out a helping hand*
S: *Takes his hand and is out* Yes now I will go build a time machine, to take you to the future!
IC: The future?
S: *Smacks him* Your not allowed to talk for a while�you hear me?
IC: *Nods and rubs his cheek in pain*
KM: Yay! Future!
SF: Squeak! *Squirrel friend then runs off after some foxy other squirrel*
KM: NOOOO! Squirrel friend! I loved thee! �Eh, these things happen.
S: Yes, right� Future time! *Walks off to �work� on the time machine*
KM: So�what should we do?
LJ: Guys! I�ve got it!
KM: Well�what is it?
LJ: We should go bowling!
KM: Bowling? What the hell is wrong with you!? Bowling is for sissy whores!
LJ: But, but I like it!
KM: Hey you also like to snort parmesan cheese!
LJ: It makes me feel good!
KM: Running down gofers in your golf cart also makes you feel good, so really I don�t know why we�re talking about this.
IC: You know what Mitch! I think bowling is a fine idea.
KM: Oh just cause you say it�s good, does that mean I should just jump out of my seat and yell �Hooray, lets go bowling�!?
IC: Well no, cause your not sitting�and I doubt you�d actually do that.
KM: Exactly, so lets just all forget about this crazy bowling idea and maybe go get some coffee?
LJ: No! We�re going bowling!
KM: Damnit Jimmy! Why do you insist on such an event!? Such a horrible, horrible event?
LJ: Cause I like it. Is there something you have against bowling Mitch?
KM: Well, not against it really. Just last time I went bowling there was this horrible, horrible accident�it hurts just to think about what happened that day.
LJ: Wa-
KM: Hurts, so much!
LJ: Wan-
KM: So much!
LJ: Want to tell us about it?
KM: Well okay, but I might let out random screams of horror every now and then. Cause of the hurt.
IC: That�s fine with us! *Jimmy nods*
KM: Well okay then�It all started on that fateful Friday the 13th of the year 1938. It was a really unlucky day. And boy do I mean that! *Starts to get all flashy backy*
KM: *The phone rings and Mitch picks it up* Hello?
SU: Hey Mitch! It�s me! Suzy!
KM: Hey Suzy! What�s up?
SU: Not much at all Mitch, not much at all. Just sitting here doing stuff.
KM: Yeah?
SU: Yeah�Hey! Want to go bowling?
KM: Do I!? I love bowling!
*Mitch gets all narratory �See guys? I used to love bowling!�*
SU: Alright, get your stuff ready Mitch I am SO on my way to come and pick you up, in my convertible. My RED convertible.
KM: *Screams in pure, utter excitement* Yay! Bye Suzy. *Hangs up the phone* Hm�*Walks to him room and opens his closet* What should I wear? *Pulls out numerous outfits* Oh this one looks nice! *Dresses and then runs to get his bowling ball* I am ready! *Beep, beep* Oh, that�s Suzy! *Runs out to her car and hops in*
SU: Oh my Mitch you sure look all bowling-ed up!
KM: Well, I try.
*They drive off to the nearest bowlerama. They both get out and enter the bowlerama*
KM: Look at all the lights�they�they�re so flashy!
SU: Oh I know, this is one of them crazy bowling places. I hear they have hourly seizers!
KM: Fancy�
*Both get an alley. Then bowl it up*
KM: *Mitch is sitting waxing his bowling ball* Oh Suzy this is so fun!
SU: Tell me about it! These lights, the food, the over powering smell of feet. All of it!
KM: My hands sure are waxy�Oh well! *Goes up and throws his arm back and then forward. But the ball comes flying out of his hands and goes up and hit�s a beam. In slow motion* Noooo! *The beam then starts to crack and crumble. Lights start to flicker and pieces of the ceiling and whole beams start to fall. People start to scream and everyone starts to head out. Some make it and some don�t* Suzy! *Suzy turns to Mitch suddenly* RUN! *Suzy starts to run but some beam falls on her leg*
SU: Ah! Mitch! *Mitch turns and sees her. Then runs over trying to help*
KM: Suzy�oh god. *Tries to pick up the beam* Suzy it�s too heavy�I�I can�t get it.
SU: Then go on without me!
KM: No Suzy I can�t, you�re the only friend I�ve ever had.
SU: Really?
KM: Yeah� See!? I can�t lose you!
SU: Mitch, you�ll find other friends. But�if you died then the world would be without some one so great.
KM: That�s true.
SU: Stop standing there and go! I�m dying anyways�when the beam fell, a nail went right into my heart. *Mitch looks and gasps in horror* There�s nothing you can really do, just don�t blame yourself. It�s not your fault.
KM: Are you retarded? Yeah it�s my fault! I forgot to clean the wax of my hand and the ball flew out of my hand. I then told you to run and WHAM a beam falls of you. It�s totally all my fault!
SU: Oh�yeah, you see the nail in my heart really throws off my�uh *Thinks* stuff.
KM: *Starts to cry and holds her in his arms* Betty�I�ll miss you.
SU: Did you just call me Betty?
KM: �Um�no. Well anyway Suzy I love you and I always will.
SU: I love you too Mitch!
*Everything starts to fall and people are dying left and right*
SU: Mitch, you have to go now! People are dying left and right. If you love me, for real, the go!
KM: Okay. *Hugs her* I�ll miss you Suzy.
SU: *Starts to choke on her own blood* I�ll miss you too Mitch�miss you- *Then dies*
*Mitch starts to run out but slips on a banana peal*
KM: Ow! *Rubs his head and other injured body parts. Picks up the banana peal* What the hell is this doing here?
SJ: *Standing there mopping* Oh sorry�I didn�t think it would matter�what with this place collapsing and all.
KM: Shouldn�t you be getting out of here then?
SJ: No, I�m the janitor, I go down with my building!
KM: Well�alright, but I�m gonna go.
SJ: Aw screw it! I�m coming with you. *Both Mitch and Scruffy run out to safety and the building collapses after they run out. Mitch starts to narrate again and it slowly comes out of flashback-ness*
KM: See? Because of my unsteady hand, strong arm, and some un-cleaned wax. I caused my best friend to die! Not to mention hundreds of other people. I can never bowl again. EVER!
IC: Hundreds?
KM: It was a big place.
LJ: *Sitting in shock* I � I had no idea Mitch. I am so sorry I made you relive that.
KM: It�s okay�I would have had to someday.
*Mitch randomly screams out in horror*
IC: Well�he told us to expect it.
*Mitch and Jimmy nod. Stalin comes running in*
S: Hey guys!
KM: Hey! Did you build that time machine?
S: Time machine? What are you talking about? I got a scone! *Shows them*
KM: I don�t care about your scone! *Stalin is hurt*
S: Ow Mitch�Ow! Why would you say that?
KM: Earlier I free-ed your from a certain sandbox/cage of doom. And you said you were going to build the time machine.
S: Oh yeah�well instead of me making one why don�t we just not go to the future.
KM: Oh no. We�re going to go. Cause I just told these two of a crazy and hurtful story and I free-ed you, it was all part of the deal mister.
S: *All whiney line* Fiiine! *Stomps off*
KM: Oh that Stalin!
*All chuckle. Hours later Stalin comes rolling in with a big ole RV. Stalin gets out*
S: You guys like this snappy new RV?
KM: Does it travel through time!? HUH!? Cause if it doesn�t I am going to call you something, something mean!
S: Like what?
KM: Like; �Moron!�.
S: *Gasps* You would do that?
KM: I will! If this thing doesn�t travel through the space time continuum.
S: Well mister meany pants, it does!
KM: It does!? Hooray!
S: Okay guys�I think we should all hop into this crazy, crazy RV and travel through the times.
IC: Okay! *All hop in the bus*
S: But first, before all this crazy time traveling, a tour! *All �Oh� and �Ah�* Now over here is our driver. *Points to Scruffy*
SJ: Howdy.
KM: *Gasps* Scruffy!
SJ: Yeah.
KM: I haven�t seen you in years�my god how�s it been?
SJ: Not to swell�I dug a hole at one point to catch a monkey or ape or something and well I accidentally sort of killed two people.
KM: How?
SJ: Well I put spikes at the bottom.
KM: Why!?
SJ: They were just so shiny.
KM: How do you sort of kill some one?
SJ: Well they got like reincarnated into squirrels or something. I don�t know I ran off chasing a bus.
KM: *Chuckles* Oh you and that bus!
SJ: *Chuckles along* Yeah, always chasing it I was.
KM: Heh heh, yeah, well I�ll let you get back to your�driving. *Turns back to Stalin*
S: Are we ready now? Ready to stop ruining my tours, my hopes, my dreams!
KM: Yes.
S: Well�alright then! Now here we have the toaster.
IC: My god! It�s � magnificent.
S: *Chuckles* Thank you, thank you.
IC: May I touch it?
S: NO! *Jeff is hurt* And here�we have the toilet. Feel free to look at it.
LJ: Oh I will! *Stares*
S: I said look! Not stare�
LJ: *All sarcastic like* Well sorry!
S: Hm�alright then I think that�s everything. Hit it Scruffy!
SJ: What year?
S: 2006!
SJ: Alright, I�m hitting it right�now! *Hit�s the button and they start to transport through time*
LJ: *Comes over and sits next to Mitch. Whispers* Mitch�I have a secret to tell you..
KM: What ever could it be my friend?
LJ: Well you remember when I said that I hated Hitler and all?
KM: Yeah, how could I forget?
LJ: Well easily I guess, but that�s not why I�m here. I just want you to know that I really don�t hate Hitler. I just said I did to make friends, I know he ruined my bar mitzvah, but hey who hasn�t, right? So maybe�we should try and make it so them other two don�t like go kill him. Cause that Hitler is one fine piece of meat.
KM: Your telling me!
S: Hey you two! What�s going on over there? Your both being all creepy and sneaky. Like all those times you plotted my wedgies.
KM: *Both chuckle* Some good times. *Jimmy nods* Hey guys are you all planning on hurting Hitler when we get to the future?
S: Well, what else would I do with my time?
KM: Write a short novel.
IC: But I�m already doing that!
KM: You could both work on it.
S: You know, I�m going to do what I want when I want mister Mitch. Okay!? I don�t need your approval. That�s my prerogative!
KM: Fine! I�ll just sit here and accept it! *Times passes* So I guess that�s a yes then?
S: Yes it�s a yes!
KM: Sorry, it�s just you weren�t that clear in the first place.
S: Was that �Yes� CLEAR enough for you!?
KM: Yes!
S: Good, glad that�s all cleared up.
KM: Me too.
SJ: *Using the intercom. KSHK* We�re about to land in 2006, everyone buckle up and prepare for impact. *KSHK. Everyone prepares. The bus lands*
KM: Boy�was that bumpy!
IC: Your telling me!
KM: �Yeah I was. *Looks at him oddly*
SJ: Alright everybody off! I�ve gotta make my rounds to the later 1800�s early 1900�s.
KM: You mean this is only a rental!? *Turns to Stalin* You made it seem as if it was yours�I just don�t know what to think Stalin.
S: Well I never said it, so don�t be so shocked.
KM: Well okay, I�ll just be slightly hurt.
S: Alright!
*Everyone gets off the bus*
IC: Bye Scruffy! *Waves crazily*
SJ: Bye kids! *Waves and then disappears*
KM: We should find Hitler!
S: So we can kill him?
KM: Well no-
S: Good idea!
LJ: Yes, Mitch! Good idea.
KM: *Pulls Jimmy aside* If we get him all worked up then he�ll search for Hitler, find him, and then we just jump him or something. Get it?
LJ: I do!
KM: Good. And Break! *Both clap*
S: What were you two discussing?
LJ: Literature.
IC: Sounds smart�*To Stalin* We better bail on this conversation! *Stalin nods* Um so Stalin, what to do?
S: Lets find Hitler!
IC: Well okay!
S: Follow me fellas lets find that Hitler fellow!
LJ: Yeah!
S: Some one sure is agreeable tonight.
LJ: You bet I am!
IC: What about me?
S: Well if you agreed with me a little more I�d say something nice about you. But your mister silent and non-agreeable over there.
IC: Well SORRY! But earlier you told me not to talk anymore, and I was just following the rules.
S: Oh yeah�well, stay silent then.
IC: Fine!
S: *Sniffs the air* I smell�Hitler! *Sniffs more* This way! To the park! *They all run off to the park. Points* There he is!
H: What!? Stalin!?
S: Damn! I was going to be sneaky about this�ah well. *Runs toward him screaming. Hitler takes out a fish and hits him with it* Ow! *Falls to the ground in slow motion*
D: OH! You been fish slapped!
*Everyone starts to laugh. Hitler puts a shackle on Stalin�s leg*
H: Your going strait into the cage!
S: Nooo! *Gets thrown in a cage* You fools, help me!
IC: Um�I�ve been meaning to tell you but I love Hitler, he�s cool.
KM: I�ve always loved him, friend style.
LJ: And as for me, well I don�t really like you all to much. So take that!
D: Ba-zing!
S: Take what?
LJ: That!
S: No, seriously take what?
LJ: Take �That!�. God you�re an idiot.
D: Ba-zing!
S: Your all hideous, hideous fools.
H: Shut up! *Hits him with the fish again. Everyone laughs*
OBL: Now lets party!
SH: Yeah-heh-hea!
*All start to party it up. With lots of coffee, some drugs even, and crazy musical happenings. They all end up going back to Dubya�s house where they put Stalin and his cage in the floor. They all then pass out, randomly*
And Scene