"Slavegirls From Beyond Infinity."

This is the point where most people who read the title scream "WHAT?"

So far, I've reviewed a fairly narrow row of cheese:  we have covered '80s bubblegum such as "Automan," '70s fluff like "Gemini Man," and various other productions from Hammer Horror (or NOT) to Roger Corman's classic movies that I've been able to get copies of.  And yet, we have avoided flicks like these for a good reason.

For, you see, this is when the cult movie as defined by 'films made for a budget but weren't as important as "Citizen Kane"' to "Get Those Asses In Those Seats."  This is when the cult movie died, became stupid, and started drooling.  Somewhere between the '70s and the '80s and the Home Video Revolution, movies of less repute had their fire taken away from the forming Movie Theater Chains who only started showing the big blockbusters.  So, they went to the growing field of home video.  It was perfect:  no more censoring, you could get your movies eventually, and you could watch them in your own time.  But the snake in this Garden of Eden was if lesser-knowns could get their movie on tape, so could every asshole with a camera, a naked woman, and some editing suite.

Sometimes the latter was JUST an option.

So, when you walk in a video store nowadays, the cream is heavily mixed with the chaff.  "Curse of the Living Corpse" is mixed in with three different "Witchcraft" sequels that nobody watches.  A Buck Rogers episode is mixed with "Leprechaun in the Hood," the latest attempt to make a profit off the original Leprechaun movie which is a bigger joke than the career of the guy who plays him.  Do you know he is?  I think I do, but I don't care.  He was the guy who played the short guy in "Willow."  The high point of his career.

No pun intended.

My point is, videos like the ones I review here are a dying breed, and getting a hold of them without resorting to mail order companies and a wait is dying faster than the Ramseys' defense.   Hence, we fall upon our experiment today.

Slavegirls From Beyond Infinity is part of something their releasers call "Cult Video" (original?).  These Cult Video releases aren't really that cult, just bottom lining, half-forgotten post-Star Wars fodder.  They include:
 

1. "The Day Time Ended"--a movie about a family in a desert who witness some 'neato' special effects from Lucas shitpile to claymation effects.  No plot except for the Grandfather's last non sequitur line:  "Maybe it was meant to be this way after all!"  Hopefully the Director's Cut shows the old man being beheaded after this line.

1. "Laserblast"--You know, the MST3K episode that wonders pointlessly until some claymation aliens take out some big loser who can't even handle Eddie Deezen.

1. "Attack of the Killer Bimbos"--Three words:  It's on DVD.

The movie starts off on a bad note, meaning music.  Now, I warn you, don't attempt this as home. But, if you have ever seen "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch," then this music will bring back that annoying theme song that Silver Shamrock played to make the kids go nuts and start killing people.   It goes something like this:

[So Many] Days till Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween!
[So Many] Days till Halloween,
Silver SHAMROCK!!

Thanks to this movie, you can now sing along to the theme music.

Shortly afterward, we are introduced to the plight of our two Slavegirls, whose names are completely unimportant.  So, for simplicity's sake, we'll call them A & B.  A is the smart one of the group, shorter and has first billing (her name escapes me).  She's the one with the plan, so to speak.  Then we have B, the Barney to A's Fred.  B is not that smart, or she can't act, I can't tell.  She's the one who delivers the vapid lines and is taller.  That set, we begin our 'plot....'

The Slavegirls are being transported on a ship.  Their cell is nothing more than a oblong room with a grate on top as the only entrance way.  Gee, wouldn't that be hard for the men on the ship to get the Slavegirls out?  Especially since the girls are CHAINED to the bottom of the cell?  So that means that one of the guards could have to climb down a twenty foot shaft with his prisoners in tow, chain them to the bottom, then climb out to safety.  Two prisoners.  How the hell can someone do this?

But no matter, the minute A & B start talking about freedom, I realize that the guards probably did this without weapons or anything.  These women speak their lines like someone eating a bland noodle:  no real acting is involved or harmed in this scene.  Eventually, A mutters something about freedom and shit and manages to break her restraints with little to no problem.  Then, she gets a boost up from B and with B's hair pin (???), she short-circuits the grate and manages to help her cellmate out into a space pod and they both zoom out into space.

A hair pin?  Wouldn't a guard check for something like that??  Hello????

Anyway, A tries to land the pod on a safe planet but crashlands it.  Finally, some reality!!  And our two blonde femme fatales end up in the grip of some maniac hunter and two of his other 'guests,' other people who survived a crash landing on this mysterious planet.  The maniac hunter, whose name I forget (it's a goofy mishmash of a name that, once again, owes something to Lucas), likes to hunt people on his planet and offers them the "Most Dangerous Game" plot:  you give me a good hunt and win, I let you go, yadda yadda yadda.   Come on, you know the plot!!  Suddenly, this movie is showing some slight bit of intelligence by ripping off one of the best and well-known short stories of all time.

Then it blows it by having the maniac hunter have two robots, one of whom is smitten (inexplicably) to B.  This sets up some bad '80s humor by having the other robot, the unsmitten one whom I'll just call "UnSmitty" for sanity's sake, chastise his in-love partner.   The main scene of this is when the Smitten robot takes B for a walk and she goes for a swim.  B decides it's time for some T&A and we're treated to the sight of her breasts as she turns to tell the Smitten robot something.  With that done, we get a dose of the robots arguing for no real reason and the scene thankfully ends.  Why does this happen?  I have no freaking idea.   I thought the idea of a robot is that they have no organic parts, hence no real puberty hence no real sexual urge hence....oh, I'm putting more thought into this then the makers did.  A bad sign.

A gets her bare breast scene in with one of the other guests, a man who utters some inane lines that probably sounded good when the writers threw them at some waitress at Hooters.  The male guest then dies and all three women (A, B, and the other guest) until the hunter hunts them, gets the other guest, and A takes out the hunter.  Both women take back off into space, A mutters something about adventuring and sequels that will never (thankfully) be made and the movie ends with our "Silver Shamrock" song.

This movie was made in 1987 and it looks like it got held over from 1985.  The special effects are better than what is usually expected in this kind of feature but you can't help thinking that the budget was sunk into them instead of actors.  But who am I kidding?  The 'actors' were hired because of their bodies, pure and simple.  Maybe some cheap stuntmen for the robots, a few sets thrown together, and that's it.  You got some nudity, some 'action,' and a lot of special effects.  Too bad nobody was told to direct the thing so it could be entertaining.  But, in it's favor, it's not as sophomoric as most of the movies in it's genre.  But that's it.  And that ain't much saving grace.

RATING:  I think A played in "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2."  And at least this movie is better than that garbage.  But, still, the nudity doesn't help with this movie, so it's One Star out of Four for this flick.  Ain't that exciting or thrilling except to twelve year olds who con their parents into renting it.   Oy.