We all have guilty pleasures.

I have a thing for campy movies.   Sadly, it's a particularly choosy taste for camp.  I don't care for the films of John Waters outside of a 'slightly curious/MST3K laugh' value.   Plus, I can't really get into what most people call camp nowadays.  The 2001 definition of camp seems to be "Whatever we sorta like but admit it's dumb and stupid and can't fit anywhere."  This label is often given to piece of cinematic crap that some asshead made using some roofies, a couple of wannabe actresses, and a digital camera with the steadycam function burnt out due to the "Tarantino accident."  No, what I talk of is the cheesy campy movies.  And this is one of my favorites.

I had the chance to rent "Return" free and I jumped at it.   Why?  Well, ever since I got The Movie Channel earlier last year, I got hooked on their uncut showing of the movie.  Somehow, it's all madness:  machine gun fire, overly macho yet ineffectual henchmen, a truly suave villain, cameos by stars that never quite made it, and colorful sets interrupted by beautiful swamplands.  Plus, some budget to work with and the creation of some of the sickest yet well-done makeup I've seen in a sequel.   Even if it has Heather Locklear in a starring role and two annoying comedic relief in the form of two of the most annoying creole kids God put on this Earth.    But it all works, and it does so wonderfully.

The movie begins with a bunch of incompetant government agents wondering through a swamp searching for an illegal whiskey still when they are beset by a strange creature that looks like someone crossed a leech with an elephant with some poor stuntman.  Three of the seven are killed by the creature; the other three are iced by a bunch of henchmen.  The seventh manages to lose his glasses and climb on some land, just in time to meet the leech elephant man.  Suddenly, a strange being appears, a humanoid figure made of sargasso and seaweed.  He battles off the freak and gives the seventh man back his glasses.   The man is so grateful he trips over his own words until he looks at his savior, and screams at Alec Holland, the Swamp Thing.

Of course, this makes little to no sense.  Despite how ugly Swampie might look, he is nothing compared to the monster before.

The movie then kicks into high gear with its beginning sequence:  Creedence Clearwater Revival playing "Born on the Bayou" intercut with several examples of artwork from the actual Swamp Thing comic book.   This almost beautiful.  Most movies wouldn't play it this straight with the audience, instead trying to capture the 'awe' of a comic book by putting in some instrumental or catchy tune.  This movie just throws it in our face--yes, it's about a freaking swamp creature, the music is kinda silly, enjoy and don't take it too seriously.  In fact, the movie almost makes me wish that the comic book was that enjoyable as the artwork shows.  The only Swamp Thing comic I ever picked up was in black and white and wasn't about a swamp creature as opposed to being strictly about some jerk who drank toxic waste and hence that was his power.   So the movie does us one massive favor:  it cuts out the preachy naive hippie crap outright and just focuses on enjoyable freak fights and such.

Hell, if I wanted to be preached at, a comic book isn't a good way to do it.  Look at how Marvel did that and ran X-Men into the ground.

Anyway, the plot:  Dr. Arcane (Louis "Octopussy" Jourdan) is still alive after the events of the first movie and is performing experiments to find a process to reverse his rapid aging along with his scientist/lover (Sarah "Superman II" Douglas).  Part of this process involves Swamp Thing's regenerative process (along with ability to heal people).   The other is the genetic code that is within his stepdaughter Abby Arcane (Heather "Where am I Now?" Locklear), who happens to visit him in the Bayou at that moment to finally vent her frustation with Arcane because of her mother's death.  Sadly, all the process has done is create a bunch of freaks who are then released into the swamp and eventually die at Swamp Thing's hands.  In short, they're very ugly bodyguards, ranging from an elephant man (with a giant elephant face growing out of the side of his face), a cockroach man, and various others.

Abby herself is a big fan of plants (working at a plant store and naming the damn things!), so that pretty much sets up the 'damsel in distress' angle.  As soon as she hits the place, she starts messing with Arcane's lover and the bodyguards.  While Arcane's chick treats her coldly, the bodyguards take every opportunity to sexually harass her, yet proving that they are quite stupid.   Who the hell would flirt with the boss's daughter, especially one who is a key to finding his extension on life??  Anyway, this occurs until finally Abby heads out for the swamp followed by the bodyguards who Arcane warns to keep an eye on her.  Yes, don't actually bring her back...she's only the entire key to his survival, after all!

Proving that she's the second smartest person in the movie, Abby immediately falls on the still the Gov agents were after in the beginning of the movie.   And it's run by relatives of the Deliverence people, who attack her immediately because she's a woman and all.  Thankfully, Swampie enters and kicks their asses and him and Abby fall in love.   This leads to a very weird part of the movie where Swampie 'shows' her a perfect way of life by making out with her (??).   This means a cut scene to Locklear and an un-Swampified Dick "Swampie" Durock kissing in a very sunny swamp setting.  Just when your mind is about to retreat in stark horror--in theory she should have a mouthful of bark and seaweed--the movie cuts back to Swampie and Abby holding hands.  Apparently it was all some sort of dream, a weird power that Swampie possesses, and Abby just smiles.   Thankfully for everyone, we don't see that much of their personal life.   Thank GOD.

Assuming they have a fairy tale-like love, Swampie and Abby are separated by the henchmen which eventually leads to:

    1) Arcane completing the process of his rejuveration, taking Abby's life in the process,
    2) Swampie kicking the henchmen's asses,
    3) Swampie finally defeating Arcane,
    4) Swampie rescuing and bringing Abby back to life.

Of course, there is more to the movie but that is mostly comedy, and making a review out of things like "and this was FWUNNY!" is just sad.   Especially the most brutal part of the movie which involves the two creole kids who have no parental supervision and whose voices cause small dogs to explode.    I'll spare you that.  Of course, the movie ends with Abby returning to life due to Swamp Thing's power to heal people.   This also causes Abby to become one with plant life, as she grows a small flower on her foot after the healing process.  Ah, love grows, and the movie ends.

After the films,  a series was made with Swamp Thing with Dick Durock still playing the role showing some more acting chops then the films provided him with.  But I can't really find fault with this film.  Sure, it's disgusting in some parts but there is something so cool about it I can't describe it.  Maybe it's the change from a bright colorful film set in a dingy swamp from what I'm more used to from the '90s.  Or the fact that the makeup is good and while cheesy the film works on a level it sets.   It's not out there to make you recycle or piss and moan about the environment.  It's there to entertain, to give you a bit of comic book fun without being overly insulting or knee-deep in continity.  It's there, it's fun, and it's strangely addicting...a strange brew made in a bayou strictly for enjoyment and sometimes, laughter.

BOTTOM LINE:  Louis Jourdan is underrated in this and kicks it up a level as well.  Hell, who can't enjoy a movie about a good swamp monster?   Four out of Four Stars.  Who says it's not easy being green?