Kolchak: The Night Stalker--"The Zombie"

"This guy, I've got him in my mind, see, he's fired from the New York Journal in
1955. That day, the day he was fired, he was wearing a seersucker suit, a black
string tie and a white shirt with a button-down collar. So, he's still wearing 'em. He
hasn't bought a suit of clothes since he was fired....The truth of the matter is I love
Kolchak. He's terrific. What he's saying to the world is beautiful - the heck with
you, brother, I'll get my story anyway. He's a man in a million."

Finally, we return to familiar ground.

How long has it been since I reviewed "Kolchak?"  A few months, at least.  Seems a lot longer, to be honest.  In fact, I was planning to do a few episodes of the "Sixth Sense" before I even delved into Kolchak territory again.  Or even "Wonder Woman."  Or even Space: 1999 and it's two mismatched seasons.  Hell, I did "Wild, Wild West" before Kolchak!!  And here I stand, claiming that Kolchak: The Night Stalker is one of the best shows that ever aired and all that Odd Cinema has done since it's initiation is ONE measly episode.  One.

Until, I finally caught "The Sopranos" and saw the executive producer's name:  David Chase.  The same David Chase who produced Kolchak.  Over twenty years ago.

Insert low whistle here.

And, ironically, "The Zombie" was the next Kolchak episode on my list, it being one of the two series I planned on reviewing in sequence (the other being 'Lexx').   "The Zombie" deals mostly with Haitian Voodoo, the Mob, and Kolchak square in the middle.  It is also one of many Kolchak episodes I hate to watch.  If this series had taken off, it would be a landmark today.

"The Zombie" starts with an attack on a Mob counting house.  A counting house (aka semi trailer) which counts all the money the Mob has collected.  After a brief but entertaining prologue by Darren McGavin as Kolchak we are treated to a scene of the three counters being beaten by a giant rotting man.  One, however, dies when his back is broken.  Not by any weasly martial arts, either.  The zombie picks up the man, twists his back, and throws him to the ground.  Period.

After the introductory scenes where the credits roll to real footage of 1974 Chicago, Kolchak is interrupted in INS offices by Tony Vincenzo, played again by Simon Oakland.   Vincenzo's in deep water because an intern of his is the niece of his boss.  An intern who went to Columbia for Journalism and deserves more than just doing shitwork at a shitty newspaper service, *nudge nudge*  So, in exchange for having this intern tag along with him, Kolchak is given a hot story involving a shootout at another Mob (here called the 'Syndicate' so not to muss with any of the audience whom might be wearing white ties, capeesh?).  Kolchak arrives just in time to witness this, save the intern from getting her head blown off by stuffing her in the trunk.  Or, rather, having the actress playing her step into the trunk, then cutting to Darren McGavin shutting the trunk of his Mustang in a different angle.

This allows us to evade the 'comedy' of the show and get to the meat.  The police are interrupted in their shootout when the gunfire inside this hideout/barn turns to firing inside.  Then, all is silent.  The police check it out but prevent any reporters from going inside, including Kolchak.  Thus, making Kolchak go to his usual resource, the morgue, and getting some info out of the morgue attendant.  In this case, the barn held three dead men.  Only one of those men was already dead, buried three weeks hence in a Syndicate rubout.  The dead man was also part of the Syndicate's enemies, a bunch of Haitian Mobsters.   Haitian?  Voodoo?  The presence of chicken blood proves this.

Kolchak delves deeper and finds that a whole slew of Syndicate men are having their backs broken by this Zombie.  Checking out the Haitian angle, Kolchak only comes into contact with "Sweetstick," the leader of the Haitians, who then remembers a few names Kolchak called him before and throws him out on his ass, promising not to be so gentle next time.  In fact, this shows one of the downsides to this episode:  all the gangsters are toned down for this episode to a near-comedical degree.

Contacting "The Monk," an informant, Kolchak is able to eavesdrop on a meeting between the Syndicate and the Haitians.  I'll skip this part, due to the fact that it's a bunch of grandstanding of mobsters that has been seen many times in many gangster movies.  Except that all the references (which, considering that these people are supposed to be Italian and Black/Haitian in nature, could be a LOT nastier).  So, instead of using racial slurs, the makers of this episodes decided to focus on the coconut.  Or, rather, calling the Haitians 'coconuts.'  The spilling of 'coconut' juice.  Get it?  Get it?  Yeah, it's dumb.  In fact, it's more than dumb.  It near ruins the episode by being so dumb.  So, onwards....

After the two mobs set up their 'rivalry,' the Syndicate naps Kolchak when his tape recorder malfunctions.  Quick thinking on his part makes him spill about the Zombie and how the city keeps burying him (keeping this under wraps is a police captain that is supposedly on the take, in a silly pointless subplot).  So, the head of the Syndicate and his Number One Man make Kolchak dig up the Zombie's coffin.  The caretaker comes out to complain and ends up helping him.  Until, finally, they reach the coffin....and only find chicken feathers and chicken blood.

Then the Zombie shows up, picks up the Number One man and breaks his back, then walks back off.  The Syndicate Head bolts like a chicken (PUN!!), leaving Kolchak to wait in the empty grave with the caretaker until the cops come and pick up him right at the commercial break.

Which reminds me, I need another can of Coke.

Ahhh, nourishment.   Back to the story.

Vincenzo bails Kolchak out at the police station, where we are all introduced to the running gag of Kolchak explaining this situation to the cops, watching the cops laugh at him and deny his story, and leading into the fourth act where Kolchak takes care of the monster.  Basic story plot right there.  It might change slightly per episode, but that's it.  Right here. Memorize it.  Kolchak also takes time to accuse the police captain of being on the take.   Then he goes to investigate the Zombie himself at his only living relative, an illegal immigrant of an Aunt.  An aunt who is an aged woman who looks like a zombie herself who is into voodoo in a heavy way.  After chasing Kolchak out of her house with her insistence of some rum to 'ease his ills,' Kolchak sneaks a peek in a basement window a few minutes later to see the Aunt chanting a voodoo spell on several blocks of wood with names on them.  Five of the ones are already dead men, murdered by the Zombie.  The next ones have the police captain's name on them, along with the final one...which bares Kolchak's name!

Oh, right.  Like you were that shocked.  He was getting noisy, anyway.

Eventually, this all leads up to Kolchak finding the Zombie.  Apparently, the Zombie's resting place is in a junkyard, in the back of a wrecked station wagon.   And, get this, he gets there by riding a city bus!!  No shit!!  Here we have a very big, muscular young black fellow with oozing blisters and sores (and rigamortis) riding on a bus without anybody noticing him or getting sick or calling the cops.  I think the writers were trying for irony here but it's beyond me.  Nevertheless, we reach the climax of this episode.

Kolchak takes a hubcap and lights some white candles in it to counteract the evil spirits.  He slowly crawls into the cramped space of the station wagon to perform the ritual.  This is where McGavin earns his paycheck as an actor:  he looks like he's going to piss himself as he desperately tries to thread the needle to sew the Zombie's lips shut.  And kudos to the writing of this episode for not going for the old "Romero Zombie Head Shot" to take this one out.  No, we go for the Van Helsing School of Monster Slaying:  the difficult, what-the-fuck-can-you-do-that-and-still-live kinds of way.  Of course, it's all for naught:  the Aunt wakes her Zombie to kill again and Kolchak ends up screaming like a schoolgirl and running from his undead attacker.  By luck alone, he manages to get the Zombie to the top of a trash heap and hooks him to a crane and hangs him.  The Zombie struggles for a bit before finally slumping into submission.  Not completely done for, but subdued for now, hanging like the dead man he is.

Epilogue:  Kolchak tells us that the police captain retires due to 'various reasons' *nudge, nudge* and that the Aunt was deported as her nephew was buried for a third time, with rock salt in his mouth, sewn lips, and three feet of concrete to make sure he stays in his grave.  If only they did that for Dracula all of those times.....

RATING:  I didn't do much justice to the comedy bits of this episode because they weren't necessary.  In fact, the suspense of this series (and this episode in particular) is what makes me recommend this so much.  The junkyard scene alone rates this three stars out of four, and everything else meshes into a near perfect episode.  You gotta see it to believe it.  Total:  Three and a Half Stars out of Four, and that's because of the stupid 'coconut' references that break any dramatic tension.

Well, you can't be perfect all the time.

NOTE:  This is also funny because they use parts of the coffin sequence in "Fire Fall" (aka the first part of "Crackle of Death") when Kolchak has to dig up the doppelganger's body in order to....well, wait for the review if you can.  Go back to hence you came.