"Yup, that's the plot......all of it....nothing but.....my head hurts."
With a name like this, you would almost expect this film to be of the Italian Armageddon variety.
Surely, the 'A.D.' in the title gives it away. What American film would put "A.D." in the title? That designation in a film title usually means we are dealing with the aforementioned Italian films or possibly some Japanese Anime in "THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE." Nevertheless, I was quite shocked to learn this is actually a Canadian film. About the Energy Crisis. That takes place in America.
Right.
Apparently the Energy Crisis was quite big in Canada, too. This film comes TOO close to another Canadian flick from "The NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE" called "The Last Chase." The plots to these films are very nearly the same: Two out-of-work American actors play men who like their cars to the extent of breaking the law. Both believe that it is an expression of freedom to drive. Both have teenagers that play a part in their cause. And there are also out-of-work American actors playing the main bad guy. And both movies end. Except "The Last Chase," despite having Lee Majors, has more of a plot and more action to boot.
"Firebird 2015 A.D.," however, has a lot of nothing and a crappy soundtrack to go with it. But, to get on with this...
Every film that takes place in the future usually mimics the Movie Serials of Long Ago by having either a crawling text or a monologue explaining how humanity took a wrong turn and ended up like this. While many critics scoff at this, this is quite a fast and easy way to set the scene for these types of movies instead of explaining it inside the film itself. However, "Firebird" ignores both these by bringing the audience up-to-date by SINGING it. Yes, the very first song (of THREE) of this movie explains why cars are illegal. Apparently, due to the Energy Crisis, the American Government passes a very unpopular law that prohibits any gasoline-consuming vehicle from existing, except for the Government and the Army. Hence, whomever drives a car is breaking the law and the DVC is created. I believe that DVC stands for "Department of Vehicular Control," but this is never explained anywhere in the movie.
The film begins with a "Burner" (one who drives a car) peeling down the roads of the American Southwest to get a refill from another Burner by the name of Red (Darren McGavin). "Burner" has the job of advancing the Burner Cause by taking a Texas Senator to Washington D.C. who will get America back up and consuming gasoline through evidence. Don't worry about this, this plot has NOTHING to do with the story. At all. Basically, this is just used to introduce Darren McGavin and nothing else. After Burner 1 gives Red a car part, he drives off to make his rendezvous with the Senator. End that plot right here.
While Red sneaks off into his underground garage with the car part, a young man follows him. While Red hides in the shadows, the young man finds a souped up "Turbo Am" Firebird still in cherry condition underneath some plastic. Red interrupts him and the audience finds out that this young man is Red's son. Okay. Under some pretense, the boy came out to meet his father whom he never knew, and Red decides to show him the pleasures of being a Burner. So, they go out driving.
But, at DVC camp (which is actually a camp), we are introduced to McVain (Doug McClure) and other officers of the DVC who make Barney Fife look reasonably smart. After several pointless lines of dialogue, they mention Dolan, some wacked out DVC officer who takes his job just a bit too seriously...which includes him dressing up like an Indian, makeup and loincloth, and blowing up Burner 1 with a rocket launcher. This shows that
1) Dolan isn't liked by his fellow DVC officers,
2) McVain always looks the other way when Dolan blows up Burners (when
he's only supposed to capture them), and
3) The connection between Dolan and McVain could be fascinating if
this wasn't yet another plot line to be dropped.
Anyway, Red takes his son to "Turnpike," which is just Indie (George Touliatos) and his daughter Jill's little lookout post for Burners. While Jill teaches Red's son the beauty of the clutch and providing the audience with the film's romantic angle, Red and Indie decide to race like they do every week. While Jill and the son ride in a dune buggy, Red and Indie race to the film's SECOND song, which is interrupted by another pointless DVC ambush. Red and Indie get away without a problem. Thus, the DVC is shown to be even stupider than imagined...how the hell do you miss with automatic weapons?
ANYWAY......
The son and Jill find a barn and make love to the film's LAST song. They are then ambushed by the DVC, who proceed to beat up the son and kidnap Jill so they can find out where the "Firebird" is hidden. The "Firebird" being Red. Why I have no idea. Apparently the DVC is so stupid, keeping them employed to find out where a silly old man and his car are hidden seems more like a financial waste than keeping gas off the market. So, Red and Indie seek revenge. How, you ask?
By running their cars through the DVC tent camp. That's it. Meanwhile, Dolan gets unintentionally dragged to death, McVain is left sitting in the middle of his burning camp, and two of his own officers shoot each other in a manner that would make Elmer Fudd feel like Stephen Hawking. Jill is saved, the only female officer of the DVC joins their side for no reason, and at daybreak the kids take Red's Firebird to pick up the Senator. A plot is finally emerging??
Well, no. Because as soon as Red puts the moves on the DVC officer (who is a good twenty years his junior), the film ends. Of course, wouldn't it just be easier to have Red or Indie to get the senator, since they are experienced drivers...and...and......
Oh, my head hurts.
Good things about this film? Well, Darren McGavin and George Touliatos have this excellent rivalry going, which I can believe.....Jill sorta looks like Kim Cattrall. Speaking of which, this film sorta reminds me of "City Limits," a film which makes any film seem tolerable. Even this one. But not by much. Doug McClure is just there, and with all these plot holes hanging.....well, WHY THE HELL WAS THIS FILM MADE???
Seriously! We have a good plot thread about a senator here, why was it dropped? Just cut out all the pointless musical scenes and get the plot started!!! COME ON!!! I mean, this movie is just askin to a Drive-In Feature: car crashes, bouts against authority, brief flash of nudity, and violence. But THAT'S IT. And considering that this movie has some interesting ideas about authority (which are dropped like the Senator one), it makes this movie doubly bad. Not only did it have an idea, it squandered it for the lowest common denominator. Which is a damn, damn shame.
RATING: McGavin is good, McClure isn't, get only if you want some pointless car action. One of Four Stars. This movie was forgotten for A REASON.
--Zbu