Editing.  The process from which all the loose footage shot in a celluloid production is pieced together into a coherent story, from which is added music, special effects (if necessary) and all the other goodies that make an evening's entertainment.   The story behind editing is an advanced one, from an industry built on entertainment that in the past barely used such a process at all to one that is very nearly dependent on such.   If you were born into the age of Color TV (and even a little before), you know of editing just by watching your television set.  It's natural nowadays, to expect a story to come at you from different angles, subliminally altering the message that the story before you.

Editing in the Odd Cinema case, however, is quite a different story.

Sometimes, when a TV producer wants to make more money (for him/herself or for the company) they will merge two of their show's episodes together to form a nearly (but not near enough) lucid story.   While this practice is not common nowadays, in the 1960s and 1970s it was a way to gather money from a failing series.  The best way to look at this is to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Every so often, they would happen upon one of these monstrosities.  "Riding With Death" is an edited version of two episodes of "Gemini Man."  "Master Ninja I & II" were really four episodes of "The Master."  "Crackle of Death" and, to a lesser extent, "Demon and the Mummy" were episodes of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker."   The only downside to this practice was the episodes used rarely had anything in common.  Thus, in the middle of your movie the main plotline would change to something completely different.

The best example is "Master Ninja II," where thanks to editing the main (first) storyline ends and the movie suddenly jumps to a hang glider and a van (!).  Of course, if you watched both of the episodes made for this 'movie,' you would know what to expect but to a first time viewer, it's jarring to say the least.

Luckily, the "Man From UNCLE" movies were much more simpler.  Instead of taking two odd episodes, they used all the series' two-part episodes and stitched them together are nearly convincing movies.  Thus, the main pitfall of episodic movies was avoided.  However, the smaller pitfalls showed.  Unfortunately, nobody bothered to correct the credits.  Thus, "The Karate Killers" has a 'guest appearance by Joan Crawford.'   How can a movie, a supposedly one-shot deal, be so honored to have a 'guest' appearance, which is also a one-shot deal?  Isn't that the point of having guest appearances?   More of these discrepancies show up in all the UNCLE movies, which really blows the fact that this is really a edited episode.

Which I already knew.  What was my point again?

Plus, the UNCLE movies had another problem: their English Counterpart, the Bond Movies.  While the Bond franchise has yet to feature nudity or really extreme violence (compared to their ripoffs), the UNCLE movies were even more tame than that.  So, to correct this imbalance,  scenes were added to give a more 'adult' look to their movies.  Which makes comparing episodes to movies even more fun.  Which, of course, is our experiment this time around.

I'm a bit biased when it comes to "The Five Daughters Affair."  It was the first UNCLE episode I ever saw and really turned me on to the '60s spy scene.  There's something about the spy genre in it's infancy....set in Swingin' London, devoid of any of the cynicism that is part of our culture this decade, full of bright colors that were designed to give a better variety of grays to black & white TV of the time but also work on a fantastic level nowadays.  You simply don't see red in a spy thriller today unless someone is dead or the show/movie you're watching is sponsored by Studios USA (which is a good sign it's completely unwatchable).  Plus the 'neato' gadgets were are so simplistic but have a charm all of their own.  And the guns didn't need to act as a phallic symbol:  they were small or had silencers and scopes and other things that made their look pseudo-real.  God, I love that genre.  It was the stuff that influenced "Austin Powers," hands down.

Anyway, "The Five Daughters Affair" came at the end of UNCLE's third season and if you read most of my UNCLE reviews, you would know this was a major time for change.  "The Girl From UNCLE," this show's spinoff, was heading straight to cancellation and "Man" was losing viewers due to it's lack of action and extreme goofiness.  This episode is not an exception.  In fact, watching over again makes me drop this episode's rating by a full point.  Sure, it's fun, but the plotholes and coincidences nearly blow the disbelief.  Wait, did I say nearly?  Well, I'll let you decide.

Also, you'll notice that we're also doing "The Karate Killers," which is the 'movie' version of "Five Daughters."  To show you how the UNCLE producers added sex and gore (yes, gore), I'll add these sorted little details in blood red.  So, let us begin.

The show begins with Solo and Kuryakin (Robert Vaughn and David McCallum, respectably) driving in their futurstic 'UNCLEmobile' when they are attacked by THRUSH agents in their "Little Nelly" copters.  If you've seen "You Only Live Twice," you'll get my drift.  After Solo futilely fires at the copters with his UNCLE-issue pistol,  Kuryakin drives the UNCLEmobile into a tunnel.  In the movie version, this is where the title sequence begins with a dance number by 'Every Mothers' Son' which is quite toe-tapping.  Unfortunately, it shows scenes that are WELL into the episode.  But enough of this. After the "Five Daughters" UNCLE intro, Solo and Kuryakin escape by hitching a ride with a helpful pedestrian.  Supposedly, they don't get blown up by the waiting THRUSH agents and are able to continue to Dr. True's laboratory and our main plot.

Dr. True is a sick man who has developed a way to extract gold from a concentrated salt water solution, which means unlimited wealth to whomever owns it.   Unfortunately, the secret dies with him when he kneels over during the demonstration, leaving only proof of his discovery and a one-word clue: "Daughters."

UNCLE head Mr. Waverly then assigns the two agents to the case.   At the house of Dr. True, his wife Amanda (Joan Crawford) is confronted by her former lover Randolph (Herbert Lom from 'The Pink Panther' series) and his five henchmen.  These are the "Karate Killers" of the movie, funny, huh?  Here we find that Randolph is a THRUSH operative and he gave Amanda the pills to 'help' Dr. True's affliction.  However, it killed him.  As Amanda tries to fight back, Randolph has his 'Karate Killers' (who never really do any karate) take care of Amanda.

Solo and Kuryakin arrive too late and find Dr. True's only natural daughter Sandy (the ever-annoying Kim Darby) in the ransacked house.  Exposition time, courtesy of Sandy:  Dr. True only has one natural daughter, Sandy.  The other four are adapted daughters from Amanda's other four marriages.  Sandy shows the agents a picture of her father with a weird chemical equation on it.  A clue to the gold solution?  Perhaps.  Also, Kuryakin finds Amanda's dead body behind a curtain. Which is quite odd, since Sandy has been sitting there for AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES.  It should also be noted that while in "Five Daughters," Amanda-in-Death's eyes are closed.  In "Karate Killers," her eyes are WIDE OPEN.

Waverly then suggests (like Solo and Kuryakin wouldn't have thought of it in the first place) that the agents try to find Sandy's sisters, with Sandy in tow.  First stop is Rome, where one of the Daughters in the title is married to a Count (Telly Savalas, who has been better and less annoying) who has fallen on financially hard times.  The Count claims the Countess is gone, but when the agents leave a note hits them from the top floor.  Three stories on a drainpipe later, Solo and Kuryakin find the Countess is really trapped in the attic butt naked to the world.  Why?  Well, how could she run from her cheapskate husband bareassed?  Plus, it provides some sex appeal for the audience at home.

In "Five Daughters," however, the Countess is shown on a soundstage from the back, waist up as Solo breaks in through the skylight.  However, in the movie version the Countess is shown on a different set all together, looking out a window and covering her chest.  When Solo breaks in, the movie cuts back to this obviously added footage.  The Countess seeks cover behind a dressing mannequin (with a birdcage placed in a correct space to preserve her modesty on the way from the window, then she uses a pillow for cover.   Why wouldn't she just stay behind the damn mannequin?   Well, in order to preserve this 'erotic' moment and to cut back to the original episode where she initially hides behind a pillow for modesty's sake.  Also, since we're on the subject, I think they could have used another take:  from the mannequin to the pillow, it's quite obvious that the actress playing the Countess is wearing skin-tone RUFFLED underwear, which just looks damn weird.  Oh well, this is the '60s.

Also, we are treated to a scene where Sandy, in care of another UNCLE agent, is nearly kidnapped by THRUSH agents and escapes from both.  She rides off on a back of a motorcycle and is next seen leading firefighters to the Count's house.  The scene of her leading the firefighters to the Count's is never seen in "Karate Killers," which blows credibility to the next fight sequence and which baffles me, since this is only three seconds long.  Plus, we never find out how Sandy knows where the Count lives, or why she didn't get the police.  Why the fire department??

The Countess agrees to help Solo and Kuryakin look through her stuff to find any clues about the gold solution.  When night falls (the Count goes to sleep with the chickens, plus the lack of electricity helps this fact.  Night falls, and the agents are lead to the music room where the Countess finds her clothes and her suitcase.   However, the Count interrupts them and is about to load our two UNCLE agents with buckshot when they are all interrupted by Randolph and his Karate Killers.  How did Randolph find them?  Couldn't we have used a shot or two to show Randolph tracking down Solo and Kuryakin?  I guess not.  This, however, marks the flaws of this episode.  Get used to Randolph breaking the laws of logic to start a fight.  One wonders if he's this good, why hasn't he striked before the agents EVEN GOT THERE???  Anyway, thus begins our fight sequence in which the Karate Killers and the UNCLE agents start battling, then are joined by firefighters (?) that Sandy got a hold off (somehow).  Eventually, the Karate Killers and their leader run off, followed by the firefighters.  Why?  Is this confusing?  Join the club.

However, during the fight Sandy is locked behind a secret compartment which, when opened, reveals the Count's secret family fortune.  All right!  Now the Countess doesn't have to go naked anymore!   Thus, this plot thread is killed, Solo and Kuryakin get another mysterious photo, and the next daughter awaits them in Swingin' London: Imogene (played by a very young and attractive Jill Ireland).  Imogene, unfortunately, has just been arrested for indecent exposure and arrested by a bumbling police officer (Terry-Thomas).  After a painfully unfunny comic courtroom scene, Solo and Kuryakin bail Imogene out and take her back to her club to find more clues and are, ONCE AGAIN, inexplicably met by Randolph and his Karate Killers.  The only added scene here is when Imogene tells a cat in a birdcage in the club (?) to wake up, nothing major.   Another fight sequence begins to the theme of "Karate Killers" as Solo and Kuryakin beat and are beaten by the Karate Killers.  A bit of gore is added when one of the Killers has a guitar jammed into his face, which cuts him rather severely in an unbelievable way.   On the good side, Sandy is thrown rather harshly into a wall by a Killer (YAY!!) and actually remains silent as another club dancer helps her to Imogene's room to rest and, by serendipity, finds another Dr. True photo. While in "Five Daughters," the dancer that helps Sandy speaks a few lines.  In "Killers," she only speaks one line after the photo is found.  This is never explained.  Another piece of the puzzle found, Randolph disappears again and the puzzle becomes even more complicated.

Now to Vienna to find Yvonne, who is having an affair with the owner of the ski resort (Curt Jurgens, upping the future Bond villains in this episode to two).   To find out if Yvonne wants him for his money alone, the Owner tells her a bullshit story about being married.  Yvonne, upset, decides to leave the resort. A lot of pointless footage featuring Yvonne in the snow is added to pad out the film.  Of course, our agents are there and so is Randolph and after a bunch of exposition and goofiness about Yvonne's briefcase, we get another corny action sequence with the Killers on skis.  Sadly, most of them get killed.  And the agents finally succeed by getting Yvonne's picture and taking off after the fourth daughter.

This is the point where most of you will stop reading.  Fortunately, some script writer thought this was quite repetitive and threw a needed monkey wench into the script.  Aboard the UNCLE plane, Randolph and his new batch of Karate Killers capture the plane.  End of Part One.  The beginning of Part Two shows us Randolph grabbing the three photos (which is silly since UNCLE already had copies...apparently Solo and Kuryakin sent him faxes or something or other) and jumping out of the plane.  Unfortunately, Randolph has a parachute and doesn't plummet to the ground to end up as bloody sausage.  Ah, if only he did.  No more two-parter.  Anyway, the agents and their annoying tag-along escape back to UNCLE headquarters.

Since I'm getting bored and now there are no discernible differences between "The Five Daughters Affair" and "The Karate Killers," I'll just jump through the plot:  Waverly discovers that the chemical equations on the photos aren't equations but rather anagrams (??) that spell out "Japanese Lullaby."  Sandy recognizes this as a memory from her childhood that has something to do with a friend of Dr. True's in Japan.  Of course, so does Randolph and he kidnaps Sandy (in a horrible excuse for a blue-screen action sequence) and takes her to Japan.  She escapes and goes into hiding with some geishas and, in a horribly drawn-out sequence gets in another misunderstanding where Solo and Kuryakin get beaten by geishas and such.....sigh.  You know, it would have just been better if they found Sandy's body next to Amanda's way in the beginning, wouldn't it?  In fact, why does Kim Darby have a career?  She's annoying as an ass rash and twice as pleasant.  And she nearly kills this episode with her annoying appearance.  In fact, I'm nearly glad the only things I ever saw her in was "True Grit" and this film.  In fact, I'll be happy if they edited her out digitally and just placed a ostrich with human hands instead.  God, I hope this woman isn't this annoying in real life!!  UGH.

Anyway, the agents finally find the formula with Dr. True's friend, who has taken to a life as a monk.  Randolph ices him and knocks out our faithful agents and takes them to the THRUSH base in Antarctica to finally start producing the gold.  After a tongue-in-cheek sequence which Solo and Kuryakin mock their ways of getting out of these situations WHILE getting out of this situation, they foil THRUSH's plans by screwing with some pressure tubing and what not.  Randolph finally dies in a way that would make Goldfinger blush and the show ends with Imogene and the English cop getting hitched?  Why?  Who knows, but it's finally over and I'm feeling disillusioned.

RATING:  Most two-parters are either worthy of their length or drawn out one-parters.  However, I feel this episode is one and a half episodes into a two-parter.  It's not that fulfilling and just really a bunch of action sequences and supposed forced 'comedy' parts that just don't add up.  Why bother with the Daughters themselves?  It's these parts that really make it intolerable.  Sure, the ladies are hot but if they annoy you, what is the point?  Plus, the character of Sandy is annoying and quite unnecessary.  All of her lines could have been used by background personnel.
 
But, if I had to choose, I would probably prefer "Five Daughters" to "Karate Killers."  The latter takes the slow pacing of the former and adds to it.  Sure, they have a 'nude' scene but it's not enough to raise this story to an acceptable level.  "Karate Killers" is also a stupid title, like "Cave Dwellers" or "Space Travelers."    So, in conclusion:

"The Five Daughters Affair:"  Two Stars out of Four

"The Karate Killers:"  Two and a Half Stars out of Four (at least the nude scene boosted it up a star).

There.  Now I can wash my hands of this and go on.  UGH.