Author's notes: Nearly the end of the line. I promised someone that I would get the series finished by the end of the year; barring sudden catastrophe, I plan to stick to the schedule. Happy reading. :)
Part One
*Teaser*
"You and Ryder did WHAT?" Bella Banks exclaimed, slack-jawed, as she grabbed Josh Sutherland by the shoulders and proceeded to shake him up, down, and sideways.
"Uhh�" he managed to gasp out, his head snapping back and forth. "Gonna throw up� little help, guys?"
They were in Bella's garage, having just arrived for the afternoon's band practice, and fellow bandmates Alex Hammond and Emily Bates stood by with their arms crossed, looking rather interested at the exchange. "Answer the question first, man," Alex drawled, smiling serenely.
"Yeah, what did you do?" Emily piped up. "Or, more to the point, why didn't we know about it until now?"
"First day back after Spring Break," Bella said, still not letting go of Josh. "And what do I hear from, oh, I don't know, like everybody in school? Ryder Forrest freaking kissed 'that girly singer from Amnesia'! At Joe's party! In front of everyone, for god's sake! Did you forget to tell us? Oh wait, we're only your bandmates and the people who know you the best out of everyone in this town!"
"Well, technically," Alex pointed out, sniggering. "I'd say Ryder knows him best by now."
Bella finally let Josh go. He slumped back against the drum kit, looking green. "Remind me never to piss you off," he said, coughing. "It's not like I didn't tell you guys on purpose. I haven't seen you," he pointed at Bella, "since you got back from Greenwich, and as for you guys," he looked at Alex and Emily, "every time I try to talk to you, you're too busy making moon eyes at each other. It's very unsettling, you know."
"Looks like we weren't the only ones making moon eyes, though," Emily poked her tongue out at Josh, taking Alex's hand. "How long has this secret love affair been going on?"
"A few weeks," Josh said simply, turning away.
Bella shared a significant look with the others. For a moment there was an uncomfortable silence, and she walked up to Josh, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," she said softly, coaxing him around. "I think that it's good that you two are together."
He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Well, I'm not saying it's not weird," she said with a smile and a grin. "I mean, it's Ryder, for god's sake. But� I think you guys need each other right now. I get that."
He looked like he was trying to smile. "Thanks, Bella."
"Come on," she patted him on the back. "Let's practice. We must be pretty rusty by now."
He nodded, picking up his guitar from the stand. "Guys?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at Alex and Emily.
"Hey, we think it's cool too," Emily said quickly. "It's not like this big angst-fest with Ryder was ever a secret. We're just glad that you're happy."
"It wasn't a secret?" Bella exclaimed, incredulous. "Wait� you guys all knew about this?"
"What, the fact that Josh's been in love with Ryder since he was, like, five?" Emily asked innocently, strapping on her bass. "Or that Ryder's been breaking his heart repeatedly over the past year? Not that I'm judging," she said quickly, grinning at Josh. "I'm just sayin' it's good he finally got his act together."
"Oh my god," Bella moaned. "I think I've been transported into a parallel universe."
"That, or you're just blind," Alex said helpfully, sliding in behind the drum kit. "But hey," he said to Josh, looking thoughtful. "So if Ryder ends up being a bastard again, do I have to, like, defend your honour or something? Challenge him to a duel?"
Josh threw a guitar pick at him. "Just shut up and play."
Grinning, Alex tapped his drumsticks together. "One, two, three�"
A cell phone rang out and everyone groaned. "Come on," Bella said. "We haven't practiced in two months."
"Sorry, sorry," Josh apologised, slinging his guitar down by his hip and pulling his phone out of his pocket. "One second, guys."
"Let's just hope it's not Ryder," Emily said, giggling. "Or we might be here until midnight."
"I heard that," Josh made a sour face before turning back to the phone. "Hello?"
The voice over the line was unfamiliar. "Joshua Sutherland?"
"This is he," he said, motioning the others to be quiet. "Who is this, please?"
"My name is Aaron Carruthers. I am the east coast representative for the artists and repertoire division of Matador Records. I assume you've heard of us?"
"Uh�" Josh stammered. "Yes, yes, of course I have. Um, Matador, that's in New York�"
"Well," Carruthers sounded amused. "I am. We do have a certain amount of influence outside the city."
"Of course," Josh spluttered. "I just meant� uh� I wasn't expecting a call from you� guys or anything."
"Well, I have the media kit for your band� Amnesia?"
"Yeah, that's the name of the band," Josh said weakly.
"I have your media kit sitting in front of me here. And I have to say my interest is piqued. I would like to see you guys play live sometime and perhaps talk over some prospects about bringing you in under Matador."
"Are you serious?" Josh whispered. Behind him, Bella, Alex and Emily are all gesticulating wildly with questioning looks. Wide-eyed, he pressed his finger to his lips.
"Yes," said Carruthers. Josh could hear the sound of papers being shuffled. "Listen, we're actually hosting an event this weekend for some up-and-coming artists under the label. A showcase, to be more precise � if you're interested, we can certainly arrange for Amnesia to be one of the listed performers. It would give you an idea of what we are about, and also give us a chance to check out your live performance. What do you say?"
Part Two
*opening credits and theme song*
New Rawley beauty salon
*Will's voiceover starts*
'The world moves, taking all of us along with it. Most of the time we manage to stay on the ride, taking things as they come and managing to make a decent go of things. But there are other times when it feels like your personal velocity doesn't match the world anymore. It moves ahead but you have fallen off the bandwagon, watching your life pass you by. Or, in other cases it may be that you are the one moving ahead, leaving behind everything that you know about your world. It's not always something that we can control, and when it happens, it's scary as hell.'
The bell above the door tinkled as Kate Fleming walked into the small, homely salon. "Hi," she said to the red-haired woman at the counter. "I'm Kate Fleming? I have an appointment at�"
"Four o'clock," the woman said warmly, coming out from behind the counter. "I've been looking forward to meeting you. Please come this way."
"Oh," Kate smiled, startled, as she followed the woman to one of the booths near the back. "Looking forward� to meeting me?"
"I'm sorry," the woman laughed, extending a hand. "Where are my manners? I'm Susan Krudski."
"Will's mom," Kate said, comprehending. She shook Susan's hand. "It's very nice to meet you at last."
"And you. Have a seat." Susan smiled at her. "My son is good friends with your son, at least that's what I hear."
"They certainly are. Will is an extraordinary young man, Mrs. Krudski."
"Oh, call me Susan. And thank you." Susan smiled. "He's my angel. My amazing boy. I've heard a lot of good things about Hamilton, too. His art teacher boards with me, you know. He talks so much about Hamilton's work � apparently you have quite the budding photographer on your hands."
Kate blushed, looking pleased.
"Oh, look at me, jabbering away when you're waiting to get your hair done," Susan said with an apologetic smile. "So what is it today, just a trim?"
"Yes," Kate said, turning to face the mirror. "I usually go to Claire's salon further downtown. But as you know�"
"She had to close down last month," Susan finished for her, sighing. "I know. It's a real pity. Her mother lives in Boston, you know, and she's� well, she's getting on, you know the way things are. And Claire really didn't have any choice but to pack up and move over there to take care of her."
"It's a very nice thing to do."
"Of course." Susan smiled at her in the mirror. "And I have to say it didn't hurt our client base, either. Come on, let's get you shampooed up."
After Susan had shampooed Kate's hair and sat her back in the chair facing the mirror, she leaned over Kate's shoulder, gesturing. "So I'll just trim it about here?"
"Actually," Kate said, staring at her reflection. "Maybe I should try a whole new cut. Something different."
Susan nodded. "What have you got in mind?"
"I don't know," Kate said, still staring. "Just� something different. A change. A big one."
"Something like this, maybe?" Susan said, taking one of the hairdressing magazines off a nearby rack and flipping to the centre spread. The model was sporting an asymmetrical cut, made softer and more feminine by the natural wave. "I can use a relaxant on your hair, make the curls straighten out a little, though it'll still be wavy and I think it'll look lovely with the cut."
"That sounds great," Kate said, staring at the picture. "Let's do it."
Susan nodded, fetched her scissors and began to cut. They spent a few moments in silence before Susan glanced at Kate in the mirror. "So� big change, huh?"
"Seems like the time," Kate said lightly, though her eyes were troubled.
"Sounds like you're making changes in areas of life other than your hair," Susan said carefully.
Kate bit her lip and looked at Susan in the mirror. Susan smiled back apologetically. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm prying. It's just that I know pretty much every face that walks in that door and� well, what else do you do when you throw women together in a salon? I'm sorry if I� shouldn't have said anything."
"It's okay," said Kate with a small smile. "Must be nice having that kind of support network."
Susan laughed. "Well, you know what they say about small-town communities. The support is there, but sometimes I wish I could get away from the gossip mill. Helps pass the day, though."
"That really sounds nice," Kate said wistfully. "Being the Dean's wife doesn't exactly endear me to the other women on staff, and of course the Rawley thing doesn't exactly endear us to the folks in town. Sometimes I wish�" she looked up at Susan and smiled. "Well, sometimes I wish I could have a decent conversation like this one."
"Well, sure!" Susan grinned. "I can't say I'm qualified in many things, but I'm definitely qualified in conversation. We already have our sons in common, it makes sense for us to get to know each other better. Why don't you come by my house sometime? We could talk each other's ear off over a cup of coffee."
"That sounds nice," said Kate, brightening. "You know, it's surprising � I've lived in this town for years and I've never gotten to know the people. And now�" she paused, looking down. "Who knows."
"Chin up," Susan instructed her, peering at the haircut in the mirror. "What do you mean, sweetie?"
"Well," Kate paused for a moment. "My husband and I are separating."
"You are?" Susan crouched down beside her. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that."
"Thanks," Kate said, biting her lip again. "I tried to make it work for so long, but I've finally had it, you know? I know it's trite, that women always try to change their husbands, but I didn't even realise I was doing it. I was waiting for him to look up from his work one day and realise that I'm there waiting for him, but I guess that was just wishful thinking. He's never going to change. I get that now."
"Believe me, I understand," Susan said as she continued the haircut. "Exactly what happened between me and my ex-husband, too. Except substitute 'work' for 'bottle in a brown paper bag', and you've got the picture."
"Oh," Kate said, startled again. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Susan smiled at her kindly in the mirror. "I've always said it was the best thing I could have ever done. Not that it's necessarily your case," she hastened to add. "Each marriage is different. But I'm just saying, I think I understand a bit of what you're going through. So this separation, is it for good?"
"I don't know," Kate sighed. "I guess it wouldn't be, if it makes Steven wake up and smell the coffee. Some part of me still wants to make it work. But�" she sighed again. "If you go down to it, it's a choice between his work and me. And I'm just not sure I can win that fight."
"Lean your head back," Susan instructed her as she fetched a plastic bowl and started applying a potent-smelling mixture to Kate's blonde curls.
"And it's not even that that I'm worried about the most," Kate murmured, closing her eyes. "It's Hamilton. I don't know how he's going to take the news."
"You haven't told him yet?"
"No," Kate sighed wearily. "He has no idea."
***
The diner
"My parents are splitting up," Hamilton Fleming said unceremoniously.
He and Jake Pratt were sitting in their usual corner booth, sharing their usual after-school cheeseburger. The sun was still high in the sky � the days were getting recognisably longer now, the weather balmy and comforting.
Not that Jake noticed any of this as she leaned forward, her eyes widening. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Hamilton said absently as he took a sip of his Coke. "I don't think I'm supposed to know. But I overhead my mom the other day."
"Oh my god," she muttered, reaching over and taking his hand. "I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?"
He shrugged. "I'm okay."
She cocked an eyebrow. He smiled at her. "Seriously, I'm okay. It's not a surprise. You should've heard them arguing at grandma's."
"But still�" she squeezed his hand, unsure of what to say.
He shrugged again. "I know I'm supposed to feel bad about it, or whatever. But I don't, Jake, and that's the truth. I mean, yeah, maybe a long time ago I would've cared, but not now. Not anymore."
She stared at him dubiously. "Okay� but if you wanna talk�"
"Trust me, I know where you live."
She nodded. An awkward beat, and she looked up again. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"
He glanced at her quickly before looking away again. "I dunno. You're always so busy."
She stared at him, chewing the inside of her cheek. "I would've been there for you. This is big, Hamilton. You should've talked to me sooner."
"I just feel like I never see you anymore," he said, still avoiding her eyes. "And when we talk we always end up fighting. I don't wanna fight, I just� I don't know what's happening to us."
"I know," she said, biting her lip. "I'm sorry. I didn't think it was gonna be this hard, not being at Rawley anymore."
His hold on her hands tightened, but he didn't speak. She looked up: he was still staring at the floor, his brows furrowed, the blue of his eyes dull in comparison to the light outside.
"Listen," she said. "Why don't we go out this weekend? A proper date. We haven't done that in so long and it'll be fun. We'll get dressed up, go to Carson, have dinner in a fancy restaurant, maybe take a walk on the pier�"
He looked up with a small smile. "That sounds nice."
"How's Friday night sound?" she reached over and brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. "Pazza Luna?"
"Yeah," he grinned, his eyes lighting up. "That's�"
"Oh my god, you guys!" Bella shouted, running into the diner, the rest of Amnesia in tow. "You're never gonna believe what just happened!"
Jake and Hamilton scooted over to make room. "Whoa," Jake said, laughing. "Slow down. What's going on?"
Bella slid in next to her, while Josh, Alex and Emily crammed into the booth on Hamilton's side. "You do the honours, Josh," Bella said breathlessly, grinning from ear to ear.
"Well, it's like this," Josh cleared his throat in an air of mock importance. "A label wants to sign us."
"Oh my god!" Jake and Hamilton exclaimed in unison. "That's awesome, man!" Hamilton added, thumping him on the back. "Congratulations!"
"Don't get too excited," Josh said. "It's not definite yet. We have to go to New York on Friday night and play in this showcase, the A&R guy is gonna be scoping us out there. We're trying to round up our friends for moral support. You guys are in, right?"
"Friday?" Hamilton repeated, glancing at Jake. "Oh�"
"Are you sure?" he asked, all the time looking wistfully at Josh. "I mean, of course I wanna go to the showcase, but�"
"It's not like we won't be together there," she grinned at him, then turned to Josh. "Count us in."
"Awesome!" Bella exclaimed, beaming. "Okay, we gotta run. We gotta find everyone else and get them to come."
"Well, I think Will's still back at school," Hamilton said. "You might want to invite Maria too. Maybe Lena?"
"The more the merrier," Josh said, trooping out of the booth with the others.
"Have you seen Sean?" Bella asked, looking around the diner. "I bet he'd like to come."
"He said he had a shift at Kidsline this afternoon," Jake reminded her. "He told us at lunch."
"That's right," Bella said, remembering. "Cool, I'll talk to him when he gets back. See you later, guys."
"Bye," chorused Jake and Hamilton. "And well done!" Jake called behind them, watching the band run back to the gas station, chattering excitedly.
Laughing, she turned back to Hamilton. "Wow. That's awesome. I'm so happy for them."
"Yeah." He squeezed her fingers. "You sure you don't mind about Friday night? I mean, it's supposed to be our special date."
"Stop worrying!" she threw a French fry at him. "We'll have a good time at the show. We can go out next weekend. Or even Saturday, if you're freakishly impatient."
"Okay," he smiled, leaning in for a quick kiss.
***
Carson: Kidsline phone counselling offices
Sean McGrail, Scout Calhoun and Bella had all signed up for Kidsline phone counselling when the school year started. Nine months down the track, Bella had stopped coming because she was busy with Amnesia, and Scout � well, nobody could blame Scout nowadays.
Sean looked out of the small window by his desk: the sun was still high, though it was nearly six and the end of his shift. The phone lines were quiet today; he'd only handled a couple, the usual bullying-at-school cases, which he now duly noted down on the shift summary sheet.
He was just packing up his things when he heard the sound of voices outside. "I'm sorry, but I'm really not at liberty to give out information like that," said Jeanette, the receptionist, sounding distinctly disgruntled.
Sean poked his head out of the door. "Everything all right, Jeanette?"
"Yeah," she said, turning back to the girl in front of the desk. "I'm sorry, but it's policy. We're not allowed to tell you who our volunteers are."
"But I just wanted to talk to him," the girl said. She looked younger than Sean, perhaps fourteen or fifteen, with fine blonde hair cut in a pageboy style. "I know you can't, like, give out contact details or anything, but can't you at least tell me when John would be next on here so I can call him? I've been calling for months and he's never here, and I don't know how else to get into touch with him."
"John?" Sean repeated. It was policy for Kidsline phone counsellors to take on false names when manning the phones, and he knew that John happened to be Scout's pseudonym. "Why do you want to talk to him?"
"He helped me once," the girl said, looking guarded.
"I'm sorry," said Jeanette. "I really am. But everyone at Kidsline has to remain anonymous, and I can't tell you when John will be on next."
The girl looked crestfallen. She nodded slowly and turned away, slinging her book bag over her shoulder.
Sean watched as she walked out of the door. "I wonder what she wanted with him," he mused.
"Apparently he helped her out of a really rough patch," Jeanette said, sighing. "Poor kid. I wish I could tell her Scout's not even coming here anymore. But it's those stupid anonymity protocols."
"Uh-huh," he murmured absently, still staring at the door. "Hey, listen, my shift's done so I'm heading out now."
"Thanks, Sean," she said gratefully. "See you next time."
He hurried out of the door, running down the stairs two at a time and managing to catch the girl at the sidewalk. "Hey," he said, out of breath.
"Hi," she said, looking at him curiously. "Can I help you?"
"No, but maybe I can help you. You wanted to talk to John?"
She cocked her head. "I thought you can't tell me when he's next here."
"Well, technically I'm not telling you when he's next here. He's not coming back."
She looked crestfallen. "Oh. That's too bad."
He watched her. "You really wanna talk to him, huh?"
"I� I just want to thank him. Properly." The girl's voice was very soft, more childlike than he had anticipated. "I owe a lot to him and I don't think he knows it."
"Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate hearing that."
"He was there when I couldn't find anyone else who could help me," she continued, looking away. "The conversation with him, that night - it was the only honest talk I had in months. He might've saved me and he'll never know how much that meant."
Sean exhaled, looking at her intently. He hadn't seen Scout since Faye's funeral, but he has heard from both Will and Bella, who had visited Scout at separate times over Spring Break, about how much he had changed. "No one can get through to him," Will had said, looking desperate. "He just won't talk to any of us. It's like he's a different person."
"Anyway," the girl said, turning away. "Thanks for letting me know. At least I tried."
"Wait," Sean said, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Look, I know I'm breaking the rules, but I really think you should talk to him. He's� um, well, let's just say he's not doing so well himself these days. I think he might like to talk to you."
"Really?" she looked simultaneously excited and concerned. "What's going on with him?"
"I think you better talk to him about it," he said, fighting off a sense of misgiving as he scribbled Scout's cell phone number down on a piece of paper and handed it to her. "His real name is Scout. Don't tell Jeanette I did this, okay?"
"I won't," she promised, looking down at the number. "Thank you so much."
"You're welcome," he gave her a small smile as he began to walk toward the bus stop. "I just hope you can help him more than we can."
"Thanks again," she called. "Hey, what's your name?"
"Sean," he called back. "And you?"
"My name's Lucia."
Part Three
Rawley Academy
The sun was just setting when Scout pulled his car up to the Rawley parking lot. He got out of the car and looked around: it shouldn't have surprised him that everything looked the same as it always had, but it did nevertheless. He was surprised at the intensity of it, the shock to his system.
The sky overhead was a blazing blood orange, the lake shimmering bright gold in the distance. As he walked toward Rawley there was the distinct sound of gravel crunching under his feet, even though it felt as though he were walking on cotton wool. It didn't seem real, somehow, to be back here, to be walking down this path, as though nothing has changed.
But that was the kicker, he knew. Nothing had changed. Life went on, as it always did, the grass and the sky and the lake in the distance. The dormitory, when he went up these stone steps, would be unchanged. His room that he shared with Hamilton � well, that would be unchanged too. There were no surprises here, and more often than not it felt like that this would be the case always.
"Scout!" exclaimed Will Krudski as he emerged from the main doors. "Oh my god, man, it's so good to see you back," he said, scurrying down the stairs. "When did you get back?"
"Just now," Scout said, allowing himself to be hugged by the other boy but shrinking back after a moment or two, running a hand through his hair.
"We weren't sure if you were coming back this term," Will said, looking at him worriedly. "When you didn't show up for classes today we just assumed�"
"Well, I'm here now," Scout said lightly, making his way up the steps.
Will followed him. "You still rooming with Hamilton?"
"I guess."
Will was silent as they walked up the staircase. "I'm really glad you're back, man," he said as they came to the landing. "We� uh, we missed you. And Crew's just started again this term, so�"
"I'm quitting Crew."
"Oh," Will said. After a pause, "Are you sure?"
Scout nodded, striding toward his room.
"Well," Will hurried after him. "Are you picking up anything else? Extra credit stuff?"
Scout shrugged. "Haven't thought about it yet."
"But you're definitely quitting Crew."
Scout paused at his door. "Hey, Will," he said wearily. "It's nice to see you again, but it's been a long day and I kinda need to crash, so�"
"Yeah, sure," Will said, looking hurt. "I'll, um, catch up with you later, I guess."
"See you, man," Scout said absently as he watched Will turn and walk away.
Standing alone in the hallway, he glanced out the large window by the stairs, at the indigo sky and the first pinpricks of starlight.
No, nothing had changed at all.
***
The gas station
After dinner, Bella spent a good half hour psyching herself up before she could reach over to the phone and dial a number that she hadn't dared touch in several weeks.
It was picked up after the first ring, startling her so much that she nearly dropped the phone. "Oh, hey, um," she stammered. "Hey, David."
"Bella!" David Stephenson sounded simultaneously shocked and pleased. "Hey. I was wondering if I was ever gonna be able to talk to you again. Did you get all my messages?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I just needed time� to think."
"What's going on, Bella? I mean, with us, with everything� after you left, I talked to Lydia and she told me about what you guys talked about and� god, I don't know." For once he sounded lost. "What is this, Bella? What are we doing? I called you so many times but you never answered, and I would've gone to New Rawley if I had any time but I'm completely buried under schoolwork and� I just didn't know what else to do."
"I'm really, really sorry," she said, pressing a hand to her forehead. "I just� I couldn't talk to you, not after what happened in New York� I had to take some time and think about it, you know? I�"
"Are you done thinking?"
"I guess," she said softly. "I don't know."
"God, Bella," he sounded exasperated. "I don't know what to do with you."
"Join the club," she said sadly. "Look, Amnesia has this gig on Friday night, we're going to be playing at KBGBs, do you think you can make it? We can talk after the show."
"KBGBs?"
"Yeah," she couldn't help a small smile. "There's a label that's thinking of signing us. They want us to play for them on Friday."
"That's great." A pause, and he added, "And, you know, I'm happy for you. I just� everything is just too hard to take in all at once. I� I wish you had called me earlier."
"I know." She swallowed. "I know. But we'll talk on Friday, I promise."
He sighed. "Okay."
"We will," she stressed, cradling the phone. "I'm sorry I left it so long."
"I guess I'll see you on Friday."
She nodded, forgetting that he could not see her. Saying a brief, awkward goodbye, she hung up and stared at the phone, chewing her lip.
***
Scout and Hamilton's room
Hamilton was just getting ready for bed when a cell phone rang. He glanced at his phone on the dresser, but quickly realised that the ring tone was different. He glanced over his shoulder: Scout was sitting on his bed, staring blankly out the window.
"Hey man," Hamilton said tentatively after a couple more rings. "Is that your phone?"
It took Scout another couple of moments to glance over, shaking his head as though he needed to clear it. "What was that, man?"
"Your phone," Hamilton said, gesturing.
Scout glanced at his bedside table, where his cell phone lay. He stared at it, looking uncomprehending, before he picked it up and flipped it open. "Hello?" he said into the receiver, giving Hamilton a small smile.
Hamilton didn't smile back. He didn't know what he had expected, especially after hearing what Will, Maria and Bella had to say about Scout over Spring Break, but he didn't expect this, all the same.
He watched Scout surreptitiously as the other boy spoke. His answers were short and non-specific; Hamilton couldn't figure out who he was speaking to or even what he was talking about. However, he did notice that Scout's demeanour had changed somewhat; he seemed more alert somehow, as though he had been reminded of a thing he had long forgotten. He didn't seem happy, though he did look more animated than Hamilton had seen him since he had gotten back. "Okay," he said after a long pause. "Um� New Rawley? You know where that is?"
A pause, and he nodded. "The diner's good. Okay, I'll see you then."
Hamilton watched him hang up. Against his better judgment he spoke up, unable to hide his curiosity. "Who was that?"
Scout glanced up, looking startled. "Just some girl," he said after a long pause.
***
Edmund High, cafeteria
"For once I wish they'd actually serve something edible," Jake groaned as she looked down at the unidentified glop that the lunch lady slapped down on her plate. She paid for her meal � if it could be called that � and waited for Spencer Harrison to follow. The cafeteria was jam-packed with kids, and she scanned the room, looking for a couple of empty seats. Spotting Bella in the corner table, she started to walk over.
"A far cry from the Rawley menu du jour, I bet," said Spencer, grinning, as he followed her to the table. "What did you guys get, silver service and a string quartet to play while you ate?"
She shot him a dirty look. "We got a buffet. And there was never a string quartet� well," she grinned. "Maybe the once."
"Once is enough, my friend," he chuckled as they arrived at the table. Bella looked up, smiling, but her expression froze when she saw Spencer behind Jake. "Oh, hey," she said, her tone cool.
"Are these seats taken?" Jake asked, already sitting down.
"Sure, Jake," Bella said, stressing the name and not looking directly at Spencer.
Spencer just looked amused. Jake looked up at him, furrowing her brows. Bella put down her fork and folded her arms across her chest, still not making eye contact.
"You know," Spencer said, "I just remembered I gotta talk to Jeff about� the history homework. I'm gonna go find him. See you guys later."
"What history homework?" Jake asked, but he was already off, weaving through the crowds. She stared at his back for a moment before turning to Bella, narrowing her eyes. "What was that about?"
"What?"
"Don't pretend like you don't know. I thought you liked Spencer."
"As a person?" Bella wiped her mouth with a paper napkin. "Sure."
Jake frowned at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Bella paused, lowering her voice. "It means that a lot of people saw you two at Joe's party the other night."
"So what? We're just friends. We were just dancing."
Bella raised an eyebrow. "Does Hamilton know that you were 'just dancing'?"
Jake didn't answer. She turned back to her plate, poking the mystery glop with her fork.
"I'll take that as a no," Bella said with a sigh. "Jake, what are you doing?"
"I don't know," Jake said heavily. "I didn't mean to go to that party. I didn't mean to dance with him."
"But Jake, you already know that you like him. You should've been more careful."
"Well, that's just it," Jake put down her fork and stared into her plate. "When I'm with him I feel like I could� I could do anything. I feel different."
"Like somebody else?"
"No," Jake said slowly. "I feel like myself when I'm around him, but a different kind of person than who I am when I'm with Hamilton. Spencer makes me feel� I dunno, like�"
"Let me stop you right there," Bella said, frowning. "Jake, you're with Hamilton. You shouldn't talk like this about another guy. You shouldn't even be thinking it."
"Don't you think I know that?" Jake replied, and realising that she had raised her voice, lowered it again, leaning toward Bella. "Of course I know I shouldn't," she continued. "But I can't help it, okay? I feel so guilty but I just can't help acting differently when he's around. He has an effect on me. I can't explain it."
"It might be better for both of us if you don't," Bella said, sighing. "Look, all I'm saying is be careful, all right? If you don't wanna be with Hamilton anymore, that's one thing, but it's another to say you still love your boyfriend then go to parties and grind on the dancefloor with some other guy."
"We weren't grinding�"
"Whatever. Just be glad no one from Rawley saw you. Or if they did, that they'd care enough to tell Hamilton."
Jake's heart jumped to her throat. "Oh my god," she whispered. "Lena. I completely forgot about her."
"Lena saw you?"
"Yeah� and she's not exactly the kind of person who'd keep her mouth shut."
"Especially since she has that weird fixation on you and Hamilton," Bella offered unhelpfully. "What's that about, anyway?"
Jake shot her a disgruntled look. "Oh my god," she said again, burying her head in her hands. "What am I gonna say to Hamilton?"
***
Rawley Academy: dining hall
"Hey," Lena Fletcher said as she carried her tray to Hamilton's table. "Can I sit here?"
"Sure." He scooted over to make room. "How've you been, Lena?"
"I wanted to talk to you, actually," she said, tucking a strand of flame-red hair behind her ear.
Even for someone as intense as Lena, she looked more serious than usual. Hamilton couldn't help a nervous laugh. "Uh, okay. What's up?"
She started to speak, but was immediately interrupted by Josh swooping down at their table. "Hey guys," he said brightly. "Just a reminder that REACH is meeting after school. You'll be there, right?"
"The guy that everyone thought was gay but isn't, and the resident Rawley hag?" Hamilton laughed. "Sure, count us in."
"Great," Josh beamed. "I know we've been quiet over this last semester�" he shrugged, looking down for a moment. "For good reason, obviously, but� I'm trying to get things moving again, you know? It's my last year here and I really want to set up REACH to go on after I leave."
"Maybe Hamilton can take over," Lena suggested, her eyes twinkling.
"Who, me?" Hamilton asked, startled.
Josh laughed. "We'll definitely consider the option. See you guys after school, same time, same place."
"Hey�" Lena called as he turned away, grinning knowingly. "So is Ryder gonna show up this afternoon?"
Josh turned back with a grin. Hamilton, on the other hand, was nonplussed. "Ryder?" he asked. "Why the hell would he be there?"
Lena stared at him. "Oh my god. You don�t know."
He stared back. "Know what?"
"Uh," Josh looked like he was hiding a smile. "Me and Ryder. We're sort of� together."
Hamilton's jaw dropped. "Is this a joke?"
"Only if I was really trying to be not funny," Josh replied, deadpan.
Hamilton glanced from Josh to Lena, then back to Josh again. "Wha�?" he said, goggle-eyed.
"So he's gonna show up this afternoon?" Lena ignored Hamilton and instead turned to Josh, grinning.
"Just because he's out doesn�t mean he's got a brand new personality," Josh laughed. "I doubt he'll be on a soapbox organising charity events anytime soon."
"Wha�" Hamilton said again, weakly.
"Well," Josh said blithely, planting an airy kiss on Lena's cheek. "I'll see you guys after school."
"Bye," she giggled, watching him walk away. Turning back to Hamilton, she handed him a napkin. "You better close that mouth. You're starting to drool."
He closed his mouth and gave her a dirty look. "When the hell did this happen? Was I asleep under a rock?"
"It was at Joe Paterson's party last week," she said. "Ryder kinda� exploded out of the closet."
"I can't believe no one told me," he murmured, still reeling. "After all the crap he put me and Jake through, all these years�"
She looked up. "Yeah, about Jake�"
"I mean, it's Ryder, for god's sake. When did he hook up with Josh? Were we all asleep when this happened? I mean, of course they spent a lot of time together, especially, well," he shrugged. "Recently. You know. But� god," he shook his head in wonder. "It's Ryder. Ryder."
"Stop saying his name. People are gonna think you two have a thing going on if you keep doing that."
"What?" he looked around surreptitiously. "You don't think they actually think that?"
"No," she snapped, exasperated. "I was just trying to get you to shut up. Look, Hamilton, focus, all right? I need to tell you something."
"But it's Ryder," he said again, gape-mouthed. "How can you be so calm about this?"
"Cos everyone else has known about it for a whole week," she said impatiently. "Hamilton�"
"I guess you really can't know everything about somebody else's relationship," he said slowly, lost in thought. "I mean, you might think you know what's going on, what they see in each other or what makes the relationship work, but� you really don't know, do you?"
"What do you mean?" she asked slowly.
Not that he took any notice of it. "Josh and Ryder," he said. "God, I'm never gonna get used to that. Makes you wonder what else you don't know about people."
"Do you want to find out?" she asked carefully.
He thought about it, then shook his head. "You know what? I don't think I do. Other people's business are other people's business. I don't have any right prying into it, you know? I mean, for the last year and a half I've been pretending to be gay with a cross-dressing girl in a boys' school. If that's not screwed up, I dunno what is. But it was who we were, you know? We were happy together. What's so wrong with being happy? People deal with their own relationships in weird ways and we shouldn't be quick to judge."
She looked taken aback, looking down at her salad plate.
"But still," he murmured. "Josh and Ryder. That's another line in the sand smudged beyond repair."
She couldn't help a wry grin.
"Anyway, sorry," he said, smiling. "What did you wanna tell me?"
She stared at him, looking caught out. He looked back, furrowing his brows.
"Oh," she finally said, picking up her fork. "It's nothing."
Part Four
Ryder's room
Josh looked out the window at the setting sun. The past week had flown by, in a blur of band practice and ill-concealed freak-outs, and as he stared into the sunset he couldn't quite make himself believe that it was already Friday, and that in a few short hours he would actually be playing in front of real live A&R guys in hopes of getting signed to a real live label. It didn't feel genuine, almost in the same way that Faye's death didn't feel genuine, and as he made the connection between the two he couldn't help shivering a little, not knowing how or why he made the connection in the first place.
"Is it gonna be like this from now on?" he murmured, not even expecting a reply. "Every time I think about something, she just pops into my head. In the weirdest ways."
"She never leaves," Ryder Forrest said softly, coming up behind him.
Josh smiled as he felt Ryder's arms wrap around him. "I'm glad for that."
"Me too," Ryder said, and for a moment they were quiet, both staring into the molten gold of the horizon, the orange-scarlet ball of light and the ever-darkening hues of blue and violet that extended outwards until it faded into the soft indigo of evening.
"You're shaking," Ryder said, his breath tickling Josh's neck.
"Yeah. Nervous."
"Don't be."
"Easy for you to say. You're not gonna be up there trying to sing on an empty stomach."
"You didn't eat anything?"
"No. Unless you count the fact that it really feels like I ate two tons of live butterflies."
Ryder cracked a smile. "I don't. Come on, let's get to Bella's and find you something to eat."
"Ryder," Josh whined as Ryder tugged him away from the window. "I'm too nervous to eat. I feel like I'm gonna throw up."
"You won't," Ryder said resolutely as they walked out the door. "You'll eat, you'll play, and you'll be brilliant. I know it, so shut up."
When they arrived at the gas station, the designated meeting spot for everybody going to New York, the place was already packed. Bella had invited Charlie and Grace Banks, and Grace had invited Pagan Leigh and Michael Tan. Will and Maria Ishizuka were there, pretty much par for the course. Sean was invited, of course, though Josh was a little surprised to see him talking and joking with Lena as though they were old friends; Josh wasn't aware that they had even met before. As for the other three members of the band, they were congregated around the front counter, looking every bit as pale and sickly as Josh felt himself.
There was an awkward lull in the conversation when he and Ryder entered the shop. People in general seemed to be watching what Ryder would do. After all, it was a rare occurrence indeed that he was in this shop without his scarlet Corvette � and later black Porsche � and, more importantly, without his platinum AmEx ready along with a scathing word. Not only was it uncharacteristic, it was pretty much downright creepy. Josh looked over his shoulder and gave Ryder a slight smile: nope, there definitely wasn't going to be any group slumber parties anytime soon.
"Uh, hi," Sean was the first one to speak up, tossing a grin at Ryder but directing his question at Josh. "Nervous, man?"
"Like you wouldn't believe," Josh sighed, joining the band at the counter. "Bella, you got something to eat?"
"Yeah," she said, heading into the kitchen. "Let me check�"
"I can't believe you can eat at a time like this," Emily said, looking faintly green.
"It's either eat now and risk throwing up, or faint when we're playing onstage," Josh said earnestly as Bella returned with a slice of apple pie. "And I'm sure I know which one you'd prefer."
"Good point," Emily said worriedly, reaching over to break off a piece of the pie just as Josh lifted to his lips. "Really good point."
"Well, you guys better eat fast," Will said, checking his watch. "We gotta go soon."
"Wait, where are Jake and Hamilton?" Bella asked, looking at the empty street outside. "They promised they'd be here by now."
***
Susan Krudski's house
"Come on, come on," Hamilton said impatiently from his seat on Jake's bed. "We're gonna be late."
"Just one second," she called from the bathroom, where she was putting the finishing touches on her makeup. He sighed and checked his watch again.
"Here," she announced a moment later, emerging in the doorway. "Done."
He jumped to his feet. "Great, let's go."
"And you look great, Jake," she said teasingly, raising an eyebrow.
He laughed as he handed over her purse. "And you look great, Jake."
"Thank you," she chuckled.
"Listen," he said, watching her grab a jacket from her closet. "I'm sorry. I know you wanted that date."
"Hamilton, for the last time," she turned around, giving him an exasperated smile. "It's fine. This is a great way to spend a night."
"I just want things to be special. We never get time alone together anymore."
"Yeah," she said, putting on the jacket. "But tonight will be good anyway. And we're going on the date tomorrow, so it's like having a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, you know? We get double the goodness for the price of one. I call that a bargain."
He laughed. "Yeah. It's pretty cool when you put it like that. Tonight's gonna be fun. Just you and me."
"Plus like ten of our friends. And�" she made a face. "Ryder."
"Yeah, well," he held the bedroom door open for her. "I'm not worried about them. It's still just gonna be you and me."
She stopped in the doorway, glancing up at him. "What do you mean you're not worried about them?"
"Nothing," he said, looking caught out as he made his way out into the upstairs hallway. "Let's just go. We're late."
"Wait," she said, still standing in her doorway. "'Them'? What is that supposed to mean?"
He wouldn't look at her as he made his way down the hall. "Nothing, okay? It's just something that slipped out. I don't even know why I said it. Let's just go."
"You're just happy cos Spencer wouldn't be there," she said accusingly, not moving.
He paused at the top of the landing, turning around. A light bulb had blown on the landing just the other day, leaving the area dimmer than the rest of the house. She couldn't quite see his eyes from this angle; the top half of his face was encased in shadow, though she could tell the displeasure from the way he squared his jaw, the rigid way in which he held his shoulders. For a long, tense moment, neither of them spoke.
"I can't help how I feel," he finally said, his voice low.
"My god," she muttered wearily, gently banging her head against the doorframe. "How many times do I have to tell you this, Hamilton? There's nothing between us. I don't know how I can make this clearer, I dunno how I can get through to you!"
"I know." He sounded like he was speaking through clenched teeth. "And I'm trying to work on it, but I'm just saying�"
"There's nothing going on," she interrupted him, closing her eyes wearily. "And even if I did feel something I would never do anything about it, so�"
"So there is something?" he demanded, taking a stride toward her.
Her eyes flew open. "No," she said quickly.
"You're lying," he said, taking another step forward. His eyes came into the light: they were surprisingly pale, hurt shining out of them like a beacon. "I know when you're lying, Jake. I know you feel something for him."
"I don't," she said feebly, one hand tightening on the doorframe.
"I've known all along," he said quietly. "From the first time I saw you two together. I just tried to tell myself I was being paranoid � God, you kept telling me I was being paranoid � but it's not just that, is it? You have feelings for him. It's clear now. I can't believe I took so long to figure out something so simple."
"You know what?" she exploded. "Fine. Okay, so I like him! But that doesn't matter�"
"Of course it matters!"
"It doesn't!" she yelled. "Because I love you, and you know it! Just because I have a tiny crush on Spencer doesn't mean� I mean," she shook her head. "Haven't you had crushes on other people since we've been together? It's just natural, it doesn't mean anything�"
"I haven't," he said quietly, staring at her. "There's only you, Jake. It's always been you."
She faltered, opened her mouth, but no words came out.
Her phone rang at that moment. Jerking her gaze from Hamilton, she grabbed her cell phone from her jacket pocket. "What?" she demanded into the receiver, a trace of a sob in her voice.
"Jake?" The voice on the other end sounded small and uncertain. "It's Josh. We were wondering where you and Hamilton are�"
"Josh," she murmured. "I'm so sorry� we're, um, running late. Maybe you guys should go on ahead�"
"No," Hamilton said, his eyes darkening. "Tell him I'll be there in five minutes."
Without waiting for her reply, he turned and strode down the stairs, not giving her a second glance.
***
Downstairs, Susan had just poured Kate Fleming a cup of coffee as they settled down on the living room couch. Hearing raised voices and footsteps stomping down the stairs, they looked up just in time to see Hamilton storm out into the hallway.
"Munchie!" Kate exclaimed, surprised. "What's wrong?"
He turned, his expression a mixture of fury and surprise. "Mom!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just having a chat with Mrs. Krudski." She took a step toward him. "Hamilton, what's going on?"
"Just leave me alone," he said quietly, not looking at her.
"Hamilton," Jake called, running down the stairs after him, sounding exasperated. "Can't we just talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about," he said icily. "I'm going to the show."
With that, he walked out and slammed the door, leaving Kate and Jake staring after him.
After a moment of stunned silence Kate looked back at Jake. "What's that about?" she asked quietly.
Jake wouldn't look at her. "I don't want to talk about it," she said, sounding like she was hiding a sob, as she turned and walked back up the stairs, slowly, her shoulders slumped.
Kate stared after her, then looked back at the door again, nonplussed.
Susan joined her in the hallway, nursing her mug of coffee. "Teenagers," she said wryly, giving Kate a small smile.
Despite everything Kate couldn't help smiling back.
Part Five
New York: KBGBs
Bella spotted David Stephenson near the door as the band was warming up onstage. "I'll be back in one second," she said to Josh, jumping off the dais.
"Wait, Bella, we're on in five minutes!" he called behind her, looking panicked.
"It'll be quick, I promise!" she called, weaving through the crowds. Whatever he said in response was drowned out, and she made her way to the door, smoothing her hair as she went.
"Hey," David said as he watched her approach. "Wow, great turnout."
"We're not the main attraction," she said, straightening the hem of her short skirt. "I gotta go on in a sec, I just wanted to� say hi. I'm glad you came."
"I said I would. Are you nervous?"
"Like you wouldn't believe." She fought the urge to wipe her damp palms on her shirt. "All our friends from town are here. I just hope we can put on a good show. I'm not even thinking about the A&R guy, it's just too scary."
"Break a leg," he smiled.
Before he could say anything else she heard a series of taps on the microphone, and she turned to see Josh beckoning wildly at her. "Uh," she groaned, turning back to David. "I gotta go. But we'll talk later, okay?"
"I'll be here," he said quietly, and she tossed him a tentative smile over her shoulder as she made her way back to the stage.
"What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack, running off like that?" Josh grumbled as she hopped back on the dais and strapped on her guitar.
"Sorry, boss," she grinned. "Let's kick some rock'n'roll ass."
He couldn't help smiling back. "All right, guys?" he asked Emily and Alex, who both looked pale and scared but reasonably composed, and they nodded.
Josh gulped and turned back to the microphone. "Hey guys," he said out to the milling crowd, trying not to squint. There was a loud whistle from the front row and he laughed, shaking his head. "Thanks for the support, Sean."
"Any time, man!" Sean yelled back, laughing.
Josh gave him the thumbs up. "We're Amnesia," he said into the microphone. "And this is Larger Than Life."
Without further ado he struck up a powerful riff, backed by Alex's drumming. As he leaned forward Josh caught sight of Ryder, standing by the side of the stage, looking up at him with a knowing smile. He grinned back, feeling a flood of warmth surge through him as he began to sing.
This is good, this is great
And if I remember that it's not too late
That this is love, and this is hate
And I got a feeling that I hope it's not too late
This is good, less is more
This isn't given and it's not a reward
This is yours, what's yours is mine
So let's get with it, not waste our time
Lena, Maria, Will, Michael and Sean were moshing energetically in the front row, and they weren't the only ones. Even though this was a new venue, the band didn't seem fazed by it, and their energy and enthusiasm were apparent. Everywhere he looked, Ryder could see enthralled, approving faces, and as he looked back onstage at Josh and the others, he couldn't help smiling in earnest.
A little further back, Grace swayed to the music, looking out of the corner of her eye at Pagan. "Great song," she yelled over the music.
"Yeah," he grinned at her. "I really hope they get this label deal. That's so awesome."
She smiled back and reached for his hand. As her fingers laced through his he glanced up, looking surprised but pleased. She gave him another smile as she came to stand a little bit closer, the two of them turning back toward the stage.
Cos you're larger than life
It's how I remember you, the harder I try
I can't forget you
The more I learn the less I know
If this is a feeling that I wanted to grow
Cos you're larger than life
That's how I remember it, the harder I try
I can't forget it
The harder I fall, you sit there laughing
Why'd you come here
Watch me dancin' on the floor?
At the back of the crowd, Hamilton stood with his back to the bar, his arms folded. He had gone to Bella's and met up with the others, mumbling something about Jake not feeling well, and from the worried glance that Bella exchanged with Lena, he knew that his excuse was far from convincing.
But he didn't have the strength to care. It was the perfect time for a drink, except the bartender only gave him a Look when he tried to order a vodka on the rocks, so he had to make do with a Coke instead. He sipped at his soda ferociously, as though by sheer force of will he could change the fizzy sugar overload into something much headier, something that could more readily dispel the horrible twisting mess in his stomach, the sound of Jake's voice as she stood in that hallway, saying � actually telling him � that she had feelings for Spencer.
He grimaced and gulped down the rest of his Coke. He had come here, firstly to be away from her, and secondly he thought that perhaps the combination of music and people could dispel his bad mood and horrible thoughts for a while, but that plan seemed to be failing miserably. If anything, it was making him feel significantly worse, watching all these people up there, dancing to the music, feeling like he was hundreds of miles away from them and all their joy.
Well if I am feared, then I will not need
I will love you without all of my greed
But if you lie, you will be caught
This is a lesson I don't need to be taught
Larger than life, greater the fear
If you love me I will always be here
It's your life and you can choose
Well this is a fight I'm not willing to lose
The band broke into an instrumental bridge and Josh took the opportunity to look over his shoulder. Alex was already breaking a sweat, a healthy sign of a good gig. He turned back and surveyed the girls: Emily was playing her bass with what seemed an extra dose of sass, and Bella, too, looked like she was having the time of her life. There was no doubt about it: they had started out on the best foot possible. Grinning, he stepped back up to the microphone and howled out the chorus, raising his arms to encourage the crowd to join in.
Cos you're larger than life
Yeah you're larger than life
Oh yeah, you're so much larger than life
***
Susan Krudski's house
Jake sat on her bed, staring down at her cell phone. She had tried calling Hamilton three or four times in the past hour, but it kept going to voicemail. It didn't surprise her, though it didn't exactly dispel the frustration. Tossing the phone carelessly onto the bedside table, she fell back on the bed with a loud groan, covering her face with both hands.
A quiet knock sounded on her door. "Honey," a soft voice said. "It's me, Kate."
Jake sat up, thrown. "Uh," she said, rubbing a hand across her eyes. "Come in, I guess."
The door creaked open. "Hey," Kate said delicately, stepping into the room with a tentative smile. "How are you?"
"Honestly?" Jake replied, watching her take a seat by the desk. "Not great."
"Looked like a big fight," Kate said, smoothing her skirt. She looked about as uncomfortable as Jake felt.
"Yeah, it was," Jake said guardedly.
Kate looked up at her, an air of understanding flitting across her face as she saw Jake's expression. "Look," she said. "I know we haven't really� talked this year. Not since I� not since you left Rawley."
"Not since you found out about me."
"It just happened so fast," sighed Kate. "One minute Finn tells me you're a girl pretending to be a boy, having lived in the dorms for over a year, and the next minute you're gone. I hardly had time to react, let alone think."
"I'm sorry," Jake said, averting her eyes. "I never wanted you to find out like that. We wanted to tell you, and you've always been so good to me. But there was never the right time, and suddenly it was too late and everything all came out and�"
Kate smiled ruefully. "That's just the way things go, isn't it?"
Jake echoed the smile. "Yeah, I guess."
"Listen," Kate said after a small pause. "Why don't you� why don't you come with Hamilton to dinner on Sunday night?"
"Really?" Jake asked, looking up.
"Well, it's not like you haven't come around before," Kate gave her an encouraging smile. "We haven't seen you in so long and� well, it would be nice, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah�" Jake said slowly, her expression darkening. "It would."
Kate watched her. "Thinking about the fight again?"
Jake nodded. "Right now I really doubt that Hamilton will want me there at dinner."
"But you two will work it out," Kate said confidently. "You always do. I've seen you two stick together through thick and thin, it's not going to change just because you've had one tiny fight."
"I guess not," Jake said, but her eyes betrayed more than a hint of uncertainty. Her phone rang and she grabbed it from the bedside table. "Excuse me," she said with an apologetic smile.
"I'll get out of your way," Kate said gracefully, standing up. "I'm glad we talked."
"Me too," Jake said, watching Kate close the door softly behind her. As she flipped open her phone she thought she could hear the doorbell downstairs. It was probably one of Susan's neighbours; now that she is newly single, her house has turned into something of a gathering spot for other single mature women in the neighbourhood.
"Jacqueline! I'm so glad I caught you," the voice on the other end said in a rush, carrying more than a palpable hint of panic.
"Spencer?" she asked, furrowing her brows. "What's up? You sound weird."
"Listen, some guys showed up at my house earlier tonight. From Homeland Security. I wasn't there but they talked to my mom. They said it's something to do with breach of national security and they wanted to talk to me."
"What?" she demanded, getting to her feet. "Why?"
"Damn it, Jacqueline, the hacking! We were in their military database, remember? They must've tracked us."
"But your anti-tracking program is foolproof!"
"I don't know how they did it. That doesn't matter. I just got home and my mom told me they're supposed to talk to you next."
Jake's jaw dropped. Faintly, she could hear the door opening downstairs, the sound of a male voice with which she was not familiar. Susan's voice answered, the pitch slightly raised, and to Jake's ears it sounded a lot like confusion. She jumped to her feet. "Oh my god," she muttered into the phone. "I think they're here now. What do you think they'll do?"
"I don't know, I just got home like I told you. They told my mom they'd come back later."
"Oh my god," Jake muttered, her heart racing. "Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening."
She could hear more voices downstairs, the sound of footsteps coming up the staircase. "Jacqueline? Honey?" Susan called. "Someone's here to see you, you'd better come down."
"Oh my god, oh my god," Jake whispered, feeling like her stomach had been turned entirely to lead. "I gotta get out of here."
"How?" Spencer sounded every bit as freaked as she was.
"Don't worry about that. I'll be at your house in ten minutes. I gotta go." She snapped the phone shut and grabbed her leather jacket from the back of her computer chair. There was the sound of footsteps coming over the landing.
She raced across the room and opened the window, easing herself out onto the porch rooftop. "Oh my god," she muttered again as she edged sideways and grabbed the drainpipe, holding onto it as she slowly slid down toward ground. There was a sharp metallic creaking as the zipper on her jacket came into contact with the pipe, and she gritted her teeth, using both hands and feet in order to get down faster. Above her, she could hear her bedroom door open. "Jacqueline?" Susan asked, her voice thick with confusion.
Jake was only two or three feet from ground, and she let go. She landed on her feet and did not hesitate when she hit the ground, breaking into a run as she crossed the lawn and hurtled into the garage, grabbing her bike.
"She's gone out the window!" an unfamiliar male voice exclaimed, and somebody � she couldn't see their features in the darkness, but it was definitely not Susan � stuck their head out the open window. "Hey!" he yelled. "Stop!"
Jake certainly didn't think stopping was a good idea. She kicked the gas pedal with all her might, and the engine roared to life. She sailed out of the garage and into the street, not daring to look back.
***
Main Street
The sun had completely set by the time Scout made it to the diner. He had contemplated not showing up; meeting new people wasn't exactly high on his list of priorities right now, if he had a list � but he supposed this wasn't a 'new person' per se. Plus, despite everything else he couldn't help feeling, well� curious.
He hadn't forgotten her, that was for sure. The lost little-girl's voice over the phone on Halloween night, the devastating silence, and much later, the letter neatly written in blue ink. She was his first real brush with death, and at the time it felt like his world was breaking apart, the enormity of it, the pain of not knowing what had happened� but that was then. There might not have been a long time between then and now, but it might as well have been forever.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't see the girl sitting outside the diner, looking up at the lone streetlight above. "Hey," she said, standing up as he approached, making him jump. "I'm sorry," she said, sounding apologetic. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay," he said, regaining his composure. "You didn't."
She came out of the shadow and he could see her clearly now: blonde and petite, older than she had sounded, though still a girl and certainly not looking old enough to have been through what she had gone through. But perhaps that wasn't saying much: nobody should have gone through it in the first place.
She was staring at him, looking lost for words. He smiled at her, fully aware of how tired he must look. "Lucia, right? I'm Scout." With a little shrug he added, "otherwise known as John."
"Yeah, I figured," she said softly. "It's just� weird, finally getting to meet you. In person."
He smiled wryly. "Not what you expected?"
"It's not that." She looked down at her feet. "I guess I didn't know what I expected. I'm just glad I got to meet you at last. I didn't think I'd get to."
"You said Sean gave you my phone number?"
"Yeah. He overheard me arguing with the woman at Kidsline. He said�" she frowned. "He said it might be good for me to talk to you right now. I didn't know what he meant."
He didn't answer. Looking up at the starry sky, he stuck his hands in his pockets. "You wanna go for a walk?"
He hadn't expected her to agree. But all she said was 'okay', and they set off together down Main Street, away from the lights of Rawley.
***
Jake pulled up to Spencer's house amidst the screech of tires. Thankfully, he was waiting outside. "Get on!" she yelled, tossing him the passenger helmet and doing her own up; she hadn't had time to put it on when she escaped from Susan's house.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, running over.
"Don't you get it?" she yelled. "We could get arrested for fraud! Or worse! We're gonna get our butts thrown in jail!"
"And you think running is the answer? Jacqueline, this is crazy�"
"Are you coming or not?" she interrupted him. "I can't stay here, okay? I just can't! I'm going even if you're not coming with me."
He stared at her. "Jacqueline, this is really crazy. We don't even know what they want. Mom said they just wanted to talk to us."
"And the next thing you know, we'll be facing like twenty years in jail! They know we hacked into the national military database, Spencer!"
"Okay, so it looks bad," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "But where the hell can we go? They're gonna find us."
"Well, I'm not staying here," she said resolutely, kicking the bike into gear. "I'm gonna get to Carson and then think about what I'm gonna do. I'm not waiting for them to come here and catch me. So are you coming or not?"
"I think this is a really stupid idea," he muttered as he swung his leg over the bike, grabbing her by the waist. "Just so you know."
"Noted," she said grimly as they kicked off, taking a sharp turn onto Main Street.
They sped past a boy and a girl walking slowly down the road, and they looked vaguely familiar, but Jake was too preoccupied to pay attention. She merely stepped on the gas pedal, feeling the sudden rush of wind hit her face as they sped out of town.
Behind the bike, Scout and Lucia watched the fading glow of the bike's tail light. "Didn't think a small town like this would have somebody who drives like that," Lucia said lightly, wrapping her arms around herself against the slight chill.
"This 'small town' happens to sit right next to two hundred bored teenagers with Ferraris," Scout replied, his tone just as light. But he could feel a sharp twisting sensation inside him, a memory so close to the surface that it took all his energy to push it away, down into the deep dark, all these thoughts of speed and recklessness, a steady hand on a steering wheel, a leather boot pressing down on the gas pedal. He fought off a shiver.
"I know what it's like," she said without looking at him. "Wanting to talk to somebody but having no one to talk to."
He could feel a wry smile decorating the corners of his mouth. He had set up the meeting today, not because it was, as Sean must have thought, a great way to get his problems out in the open, but because he was curious about her and what she would say when she met him. He silently admitted to himself that he was even a little curious to know what she would say if she had somehow found out what had happened barely a month ago, though he wasn't going to be the one to tell her. He preferred silence these days, letting people do their sympathetic thing if they found it necessary, but to be truthful he liked it better when they didn't know, when they treated him like he was the same person as before.
Or, he mused, even better, when they treated him like he was capable of being somebody else. Somebody who didn't go through all this, somebody who was capable of holding great pool parties and hanging out with his buddies and exchanging semi-witty rich-boy one-liners. But maybe he should have known that it couldn't have lasted. They found him, of course, first Will and then Bella, with their wide wistful eyes and their concerned expressions, the persistent following-around and finally everyone had found out, all his friends in Greenwich, their voices turning subdued when they saw him in the clubs, the girls with their perfectly manicured hands reaching out for him, almost as though in a mockery of real sympathy, and it was even worse than it had been at Rawley. At least at Rawley they knew who Faye was, there was Josh, and Ryder, and other people at whom to aim their sympathies.
So he came back. And now he was here, walking down the street with Lucia, the voice on the phone disappearing even as he talked to her, yelling desperately down the line for an answer. Death seemed immediate then, embodied by the unbearable silence over the speaker, and he had gone home, dazed into submission. He hadn't been quite the same since.
And yet here she was. Alive and well, keeping pace with him, telling him that everything is all right because she was here to listen. Such an unanticipated anticlimax, in so many ways.
But she wasn't finished. "I also know what it's like when you can't talk," she said, and now she was looking at him, the street lamps catching her eyes like two pools of light. "When it's useless to talk. When you can't make sense of what you're feeling."
He swallowed and looked away. "Yeah?" he said, and he tried to keep his voice light, but it was harder now because she seemed to be making some sort of sense. It probably wasn't wise to think about it too hard.
"So if you don't feel the need to talk, then don't talk." She stuck her hands in her pockets. "You were there for me once, and you didn't talk much then, either."
"I didn't do much that night."
"I thought yours would be the last voice I ever heard," she kicked a pebble lightly and watched it skitter down the sidewalk. "Kinda made it important."
"So it's not exactly me that was the important part," he cracked a smile. "It's all about the timing."
She glanced at him pointedly. "Exactly."
He was silent for a long time as they walked. She didn't say anything more, merely looking down and kicking stray pebbles now and then. Her sneakers were bright red, the white laces slightly luminescent in the darkness.
"It's my girlfriend," he said finally, his voice very low. "There was a car crash four weeks ago."
Lucia didn't look at him. She merely nodded, and they kept walking.
***
New York: KBGBs
"Thanks guys," Josh said into the microphone, pushing strands of sweat-drenched hair out of his eyes. "You've been an awesome audience. We really appreciate it."
A roar of approval met his words. He grinned down at the crowds below. "We only have one more number left," he continued, "and it's something a little different. We want to bring it down a notch and leave you with something a bit� classier, so without further ado, I present Bella Banks on vocals."
He stepped back, leading the applause as Bella stepped up to the microphone, smiling shyly. "Hi guys," she said, strapping on her acoustic guitar. "This is a song I wrote recently. It's called Hauling You Around."
Behind her, Josh began to strum a few chords on the electric guitar. Alex hit a small bell on the side of the drum kit and Bella took that as her cue to join in with the acoustic guitar, leaning closer to the microphone to sing.
Sarah says her water�s broken
But it�s just the bottle open up
To let the liquid out and run the ink across this page of words
Of love and offerings
And all those other stupid things
That I have kept inside although
I should have told you years ago
And you won�t even know
Won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you around
Won�t even know, won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you
Ryder's gaze travelled from Josh, past Bella and over the audience. Surreptitiously, he looked over his shoulder at the man near the back whom he was almost certain to be Carruthers, the A&R executive. For one thing, he seemed to be the only person in the room who was armed with a notebook and seemed to be studiously taking notes, his brow furrowed as he gazed at the stage, his head cocked.
Ryder turned his attention back to the stage. He had no doubt that this had been a great show, and as he looked at Josh he could feel a smile crawling up the corner of his mouth: given everything that had happened between them, and in front of them, over these last years and months, it didn't seem possible that this moment could have been perfect, content, full of promise. But it was all those things. Not even Ryder could deny that.
When you speak
Are you listening, this gibberish I spit and sing
Like silicon and carbonated water
Are the answer to the way
I�m not sleeping and the dreams that I�ve been dreaming
And I think one day I�ll wake up
And I�ll find myself in love with you
David stood near the back, and his attention was fixed on Bella. As the second verse began, the drums and bass kicked in, and he watched as she shifted in the spotlight, strumming more quickly now, her eyes closed as she sang out, the words coming across loud and clear.
There was something in his eyes also, a gradual dawning as he stared at her, a pensive quirk to his sad smile.
And you won�t even know
Won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you around
Won�t even know, won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you around�
Hamilton leaned against the bar, looking down into his Coke. The music swelled around him, Bella's sweet songbird voice like it was made of water and light, but all that didn't feel real. He could feel the people surrounding him, the lights washing over them and himself like a tender caress, but they were distant, all the same.
Suddenly he felt like the loneliest person in the world.
***
Jake's bike sped along the highway to Carson. The night wind was just a little on the chilly side, and Jake could feel her eyes beginning to water. Too many things were running through her mind, like a warped tape set on high-speed repeat, and she didn't think she was even capable of making out a coherent thought from the jumbled mess. Hamilton, the fight, Homeland Security, running away� all these things needed time to think about. A lot of time.
But the first task was to get away, to get to Carson. After that� who knew what then.
She could feel Spencer sitting close behind her, his arms wrapped securely around her waist. And despite all this it felt good, the way she thought it would. She didn't know whether the thought did more to comfort or to frighten her. Perhaps both, in equal measures.
Sarah says the bottle's open
But I think her water's broken
I can see her baby coming down to chase the dogs away
And you, you're not listening
I knew that I should never sing
I think today I'll wake up just to find myself in love with you
Scout found himself walking down Main Street again. Time had passed; he didn�t know how much of it, but he didn't much care. Lucia was next to him, not saying much, and he wasn't, either. But the walking seemed like comfort in a simple form, something that had seemed alien to him recently. He appreciated that.
So they walked in circles, looking up at the moon and the stars.
Won�t even know, won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you around
Won�t even know, won�t even notice
That I�m hauling you around
Part Six
New York: KBGBs
"Hey," Bella said as she approached David, handing him a Corona. "I palmed this from our rider. Isn't that cool? Matador actually got us a rider, you should come check it out. Alex and Emily are going postal after drinking, like, ten Red Bulls each."
He took the beer with a smile. "Maybe later."
He was sitting on the back step of the bar, his long legs stretched out in front of him. She sat down next to him; the main act for the evening had just come on, and the noise inside the bar was deafening. Out here it was a little quieter, the warm night air brushing against her bare legs. She tugged down her hem again; even after all this time she could never really get used to the clothes they wore onstage, the image-building part quite separate from the music and truth of it.
"So," she said, partly to break the silence. "We should talk."
He nodded, but he remained silent, looking down at his beer bottle clutched between both hands. She looked back him, nervously licking her dry lips, but she too could find nothing to break the silence.
"Good show back there," he finally said, not looking at her.
"Thanks. We think it went well. Josh and Ryder are talking to the A&R guy right now."
"Ryder's not even in the band."
"Yeah." She shrugged. "But he's probably the most business-minded out of all of us. I like that he's helping; it's not a side of him you see very often."
"Fair enough."
She waited, but this seemed to be his last word on the subject, or on any other. "David," she said after a long silence. "I'm sorry about skipping out on you last time."
"You already apologised for that."
"I know, but�" she paused, biting her lip. "I should've called you back sooner. I shouldn't have waited so long to do it."
"Well," he cracked a small smile. "I'm not debating that part."
"I just� I just got so freaked out." She couldn't help a wry grin. "I don't even know why, now. But at the time, well, Lydia was there and after everything that happened�"
"You told me that you loved me."
Even though this was the core of what this talk was all about, and exactly what they had been dancing around all this time, somehow she still found herself being surprised when he brought it up, all tact and calm acceptance. This was the David she had always known.
"Yeah," she said, her voice coming out barely above a whisper.
He took a sip of his beer and looked down at the bottle again, absently tracing a line down through the condensation that had gathered on the clear glass.
"Bella," he said, fell silent, sighed, and tried again. "I don't think you know what you want."
Her first instinct was to deny it, but she took another glance at him and sighed, taking the bottle from him, taking a large gulp. "You're probably right."
"A lot has happened to you over the last month," he said, tracing another line on the beer bottle. "I get that. I understand where you've been coming from."
"But�?" she prompted with a wry smile.
"I think it made our relationship go places where it wasn't ready to go."
She watched him, a hint of gratitude creeping into her eyes. "You're a gentleman."
He raised an eyebrow, looking at her for the first time since she'd come outside. "How?"
"For saying it was 'our relationship' that pushed things into being the way they are, and not me," she looked down. "But I think we both know it was me who did the pushing."
"Bella, that's not what I meant�"
"It's okay," she held up a hand, stopping him. "I've had time to think about this. Think about you, and me, and about what Lydia said."
"I still don't know what exactly Lydia said to you that day, but�"
"It's okay," she said again, more persistently this time, stopping him mid-sentence. She sighed. "David, I'm sorry for the way I treated you."
He swallowed and looked down again, not answering.
"I was so caught up in my own drama that I just ended up using you," she said softly. "That night at my house, you didn't want to sleep with me, but I made you do it because I needed it�"
He forced a small smile. "It's not like you had to tie me up and gag me."
"It doesn't change the fact that I pushed you to do it."
"Do you regret it?"
She looked at him. "I regret not being more sensitive to your feelings."
He shrugged. "Hey, I deflowered a beautiful young virgin. It was all good."
"David!" she exclaimed, elbowing him in the side but unable to help a giggle. "That was uncalled for."
"Yeah," he chuckled. "It was. I'm sorry."
"We're both sorry," she said with another sigh. "I don't know how it could have gotten so screwed up so fast. We were so happy before all this started."
The smile was still on his face, but he was looking at her again with that oddly intent gaze, the one that has unnerved her on more than one occasion. "Were you?" he asked, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.
She groaned. "God, not that psych 101 stuff again."
"It just never felt you were fully there, Bella," he said softly. "Not even before the accident."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it?"
"Stop turning everything I say back on me," she said with a small smile, only half joking. "It's hella confusing."
"That's what psych 101 is supposed to be," he said, taking the beer back from her and taking another sip.
"Funny, I always thought I committed to this relationship one hundred percent. If you haven't forgotten, it was your Lydia who came and started wailing on me. I mean, I guess I can't say for certain, but most ex-girlfriends usually fall out of the picture a little before that part."
"I'm sorry about Lydia."
She shrugged. "I was just hurt that you chose to talk to her instead of me."
"I didn't know what to say to you."
"And you still aren't saying anything," she sighed. "David, I know I screwed up lately, but I really don't understand it when you say I wasn't there before. I was committed to this relationship, and I wanted you� wanted us to work."
"I wish I could believe that," he said softly, taking one last swig out of the bottle and setting it down on the ground. "But Bella, I've always felt like I was the in-between guy, you know? The one you're with until someone better came along. Wait," he held up a hand when she opened her mouth. "Maybe better's not the right word. You just seemed to be waiting for Mr. Right, and I'm not him."
"But what made you even think that? You were never the in-between guy for me. God, don't you even remember that in the summer I was the one who said we shouldn't get into a relationship because I didn't want you to be the in-between guy?"
"I know," he sighed. "I know."
"You're telling me something about myself that I just don't think is true," she said, stung. "It's one thing to point out how I acted this past month, David, but it's not fair to say my heart wasn't in this all along. It's not some rebound relationship, I don't know how to make it any clearer."
"I never said it was a rebound relationship," he said with an exasperated sigh. "I just meant that I'm not the right guy for you. Never was."
"And that's my fault?"
"I didn't say that, either."
"God, David!" she exclaimed, whirling on him angrily. "I just don't know what you're trying to say here! Stop being so goddamn cryptic and throw me a bone."
He didn't look at her. "That song you sang tonight, when did you write it?"
"I don't know!" she exclaimed incredulously. "Don't change the subject!"
"It was recently, wasn't it? I haven't heard it before."
"Maybe a couple weeks ago. God, David! What are you on about? I'm trying to have an actual conversation here�"
"And who did you write it for?"
She stopped suddenly, narrowing her eyes at him. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Just answer the question." He looked very tired.
She looked away slowly. "It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't it?"
"I thought I told you to stop turning everything I say back on me."
"Sometimes that's the only way I can get you to speak the truth."
"God, David, I'm not some chronic liar."
"I didn't say you were." A wistful smile tugged on the corners of his lips. "But sometimes I wonder if you even realise what you're saying to yourself."
"It's just a song," she said blankly, hugging her knees to her chest.
"And it's called Hauling You Around. I watched you when you sang, Bella. I could see it shining out of you, even if you don't realise it yourself. You are hauling him around, whether you understand it or not. No matter what we're doing or where we are, there's always gonna be a part of you that's waiting for him, and I can't compete with that."
"We were done a long time ago," she murmured. "And after all that's happened�"
"It doesn't change how you feel. It shouldn't."
"It doesn't make any sense. What you're saying, it�"
"Maybe it's in your nature to fall for the ones who need you the most, I don't know."
"I only wrote the song because I didn't know how I could help him, he's so alone right now and I just wanted to get through to him, I wanted�"
He placed a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to explain, Bella."
"But you don't understand," she stared up at him, her eyes wide and uncomprehending. "I'm not in love with Scout. I haven't been for a long time."
He gazed back at her, his eyes moss-green in the light. As she watched he smiled slightly and leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"Good luck with the band, Bella," he said, standing up.
"Wait, David�"
He paused on the doorstep, one hand on the handle. He was half doused in shadow, the dim light only picking out faint glints of gold in his hair.
"I'm sorry it had to end like this," she whispered.
He nodded slowly. "Yeah, me too."
She watched as he walked back inside the bar, gently closing the door behind him.
She turned back, hugging her knees closer to her chest. There was a faintly stifling feel in the air, as though a storm was rolling in.
***
Backstage, Carruthers had ushered Josh and Ryder into the manager's office for a chance to walk privately. Alex and Emily, busy dividing up the loot from the rider, were happy to let the others handle the business side of things, both looking confident that they had landed the deal.
Josh wished that he could feel as sure. He had been more optimistic earlier, but as he came offstage he caught the eye of Ryder, who had been inching closer and closer to Carruthers as the show went on, and Ryder was looking somewhat worried. While they were setting aside their equipment, Josh had tugged Ryder aside, quietly asking his opinion. Ryder was less than forthcoming.
"Have a seat, gentlemen," Carruthers said, gesturing at the seats opposite the manager's desk. He took the liberty of taking the desk chair. "I'll be frank and get to the point. I think you guys have massive potential."
"That's great," Josh said, his hand finding Ryder's. Ryder gave it a reassuring squeeze.
The exchange evidently did not escape Carruthers. "And the gay thing," he said, leaning back in his chair. "We can spin that to our advantage. Alternative images are very in right now, and I love the whole bisexual vibe that you guys have going on."
"Uh�" Josh furrowed his brows. "Thank you?"
"Trust me when I say I'm not being a bigot here," Carruthers grinned. "Just letting you know the facts when it comes to marketing potential. It's not exactly PC, but by the end of the day, we're trying to sell records, and we've gotta consider the whole package. You guys have got the tunes, you've got the looks, and I really think we have a winning combo on our hands."
"So why do I feel like there's a 'but' coming?" Ryder asked, narrowing his eyes.
"Ryder!" Josh admonished, smiling apologetically at Carruthers.
"No, it's a fair enough question," Carruthers laughed, looking amused. "I like you, kid, you get straight to the point."
Ryder only shrugged, looking guarded.
"You're right," Carruthers leaned back in his chair. "There is a 'but' coming. Frankly I'm concerned about the fourth member of your band, the blonde."
"Bella?" Josh asked, mystified.
Carruthers nodded. "I don't think she fits the image that we'd be trying to sell."
Josh furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"
"You, the bassist and the drummer, you make a solid triangle." Carruthers said, offering him a cigarette. Josh shook his head no, but Ryder took one and Carruthers lit up for him.
"You have great chemistry onstage," Carruthers continued, taking a quick pull. "You guys look comfortable up there in your skins, you're laid-back but still sharp and sexy and the market is definitely ready for that. But Bella�"
"Quaint small-town girl," Ryder said, with a slight sneer.
"Exactly," Carruthers said, meeting Ryder's eyes. There was something that passed between them, like an instantaneous understanding. "She just doesn't fit," he said, turning to Josh. "The band is a unit, we have to sell you guys as a whole, and I just don't see her as an asset."
"Is this about the song she sang tonight?" Josh asked. "Because yeah, it was kinda downbeat, but she has others�"
"I also didn't think it was a good idea to have two vocalists," Carruthers interrupted him, tapping ash into an empty beer can on the desk. "The styles don't mesh and it dilutes your focus. Josh," he leaned forward. "You have to understand that you are the star of this show. When people go out to buy the Amnesia album, you're the one they'll be going for. I see your face on the album cover and the people buying it will be the thirteen-to-eighteen year-olds in black Doc Martins and eyeliner. The other two, they're the perfect backing. Bella? I don't think so. She's too pretty and too soft, the way she looks, the way she sings, the way she writes� she just isn't right for this band. It confuses your image and in the long run it just won't work. Trust me."
Josh bit his lower lip and turned to look at Ryder.
Ryder was studying his cigarette, a thoughtful expression adorning his face. "He's right, Joshua," he said, not looking up.
"Even if," Josh said, turning back to Carruthers. "We can't just�"
"Drop her?" Carruthers finished for him, stubbing his cigarette out. "But I'm afraid that's what it comes down to. Matador won't back someone we don't have a hundred percent confidence in, I can tell you that now. Even if I agree to keep her, marketing is just going to say the same thing."
"But if she leaves the band�?" Josh asked, his voice very small.
Carruthers leaned forward. "Then you guys have got a contract."
"And if she doesn't?"
Carruthers spread his hands. "It's all or nothing, I'm afraid."
"But you can't have made your mind up this quickly," Josh said, desperately. "Listen, we can bring her in and try out a few more of her tracks, she has a great range and I think you'll realise that she isn't this soft and sweet all the time, she�"
"I've seen enough talented people to know what I know, Mr. Sutherland," Carruthers said, standing up. "I don't need a repeat performance. Here's my card, why don't you let me know when you've made a decision."
"Okay," Josh said numbly, pocketing the card.
"Thanks for taking the time to see us," Ryder said, getting to his feet and shaking Carruther's hand.
"A pleasure," Carruthers grinned at him. "See if you can swing Sparky here around for me. It'll be a shame to see this talent go to waste. Be sure to call me when you've reached a decision."
"You'll hear from us," Ryder smiled, shaking his hand again.
When the door closed behind Carruthers, Ryder walked back toward the desk, placing a hand on Josh's shoulder.
Josh sighed, reaching up to place his hand over Ryder's. "Wow," he said softly. "I'm not na�ve, but I didn't expect it'd be as cutthroat as this."
"It's show business," Ryder said matter-of-factly, as though that explained everything. "And you know what I'd do."
"Yeah," Josh sighed again, getting to his feet. "But she's not your friend."
Ryder shrugged, tucking a stray strand of Josh's hair back behind his ear. "Come on," he said. "Let's go home."
***
Carson
By the time Jake and Spencer raced into Carson, it was late and the streets were deserted, even out on Main where the shops were all shut up for the night, their windows black and fathomless under the street lamps.
Spencer couldn't help laughing as he dismounted, unbuckling his helmet. "I gotta hand it to you, that was some crazy stunt you pulled back there. They probably just wanted to talk to us."
"Or we're in some pretty serious shit and getting our asses tossed into jail for the next forty years as soon as they catch up with us," she said, still sitting astride the bike, leaning wearily on the handlebars.
"You can't seriously think that."
"I don't know, Spencer," she spat the words out, wrenching her helmet off. "Because right now things are looking pretty damn crappy and I don't see how you're staying so calm!"
He watched as she slid off the bike and strode to the sidewalk, running both hands through her hair. "Oh god," she muttered. "I screwed up bad."
"Well, the running probably did make it a lot worse," he said, stifling a smile as he walked up behind her.
"Can you be a little more unhelpful, please?" She whirled on him angrily. "Cos I really don't think you're doing enough to freak me out right now!"
"Jacqueline, calm down," he placed both hands on her shoulders, pressing down gently. "Look at me."
"Let go," she said irritably, turning her head.
"Look at me," he repeated, his voice low.
Reluctantly, she raised her eyes to his. He was unnervingly handsome under the gold-toned streetlights, the green of his eyes fading to deep amber. She fought back a sudden shiver and looked away.
"Things are never as bad as they seem, Jacqueline," he said.
None of her friends in town called her by that name, and certainly no one said it the way he did, stressing each syllable as though it was important that she was this name, not some empty fa�ade she had cooked up some eighteen months ago. His hands were still on her shoulders; she could feel the insistence of his grip, the heat radiating from his palms. Almost as though it were against her will, she looked back up again, their gazes locking.
"Everything will be all right," he said, his voice carrying more than just a hint of promise.
Then he kissed her.
It was like all the breath had been knocked out of her. For a moment she could only stand there, stunned like an animal caught in headlights, and his lips were on hers, and she couldn't deny to herself that this was what she had wanted. Despite everything, she did want this, and she knew how wrong it felt, but also how amazing to have his mouth on hers, to have that secret wish fulfilled, and then she felt herself kissing him back, her arms snaking up to wrap around his neck.
For a long moment they stood there, clinging to each other, and she couldn't remember the last time she had kissed someone this fiercely, desire burning into a singular point inside her chest, pressing herself up against him, this unfamiliar territory. He smelled like leather and wind, and kissing him was a completely different experience to kissing Hamilton, and�
She broke away abruptly, gasping for breath. "Oh my god," she murmured, taking one step back, then another.
"Jacqueline," he said, reaching out.
"No," she said. She could feel the rapid beat of her heart, the rush of emptiness through her being. "Hamilton�"
"You don't want to be with him," he said, taking a step forward. "You want to be with me."
"No!" she exclaimed, backing away as though she couldn't trust herself to hold her own against him. "Oh my god," she whispered, turning and stumbling toward her bike. "I can't� I gotta�"
"Jacqueline!" he shouted, running forward, but she revved the engine and stepped down on the gas pedal. The bike shot off with a squeal and the smell of burning rubber.
There was a corner about a hundred yards away, and he could only watch wide-eyed as the bike took the corner too fast. There was the screech of metal, and the bike teetered off-balance, skidding off the road.
"Jacqueline!" he yelled as he broke into a sprint. "JACQUELINE!"
*Will's voiceover starts*
'We all have our own takes on the world, our own trajectories and personal velocities. While some of us hurry ahead, shooting into the unseen distance, others stay here, rooted to the spot, unable to figure out how or why things have changed. What we don't see, however, is that this is only a question of time. Everyone moves at different speeds, but we're all still moving forward. Sooner or later, things are going to catch up with us.'
