Author's notes: The Doom bar, of course, is wanky self-reference. Extra brownie points if you get that one. ;)
Acknowledgements: Lucy for kicking my arse into action. Everybody else for being so incredibly patient over the year of inaction.
Part One
Teaser
Rawley Boys' Academy, Hamilton and Scout's room
"Wait," Jake Pratt demanded, following Hamilton Fleming as he strode between the closet and the bed, dumping an armload of clothes into an old suitcase. "When are you leaving?"
"Half an hour," Hamilton replied unceremoniously, rifling through his dresser. "God, where did all my clean underwear go? I only did laundry yesterday."
"Check your sock drawer," she said irritably. "Can we please get back on topic? Why didn't I hear about this until now?"
"Because I didn't know until now, Jake," he said, yanking a handful of underwear out of his sock drawer. "Mom only told me this morning that we're going to visit granny�"
"The one down in Florida?"
"The one in Vermont. Her mom, not my dad's. Anyway, what's the difference? She just sprung it on me. I said I didn't wanna go but she's not giving me a choice. God, this is not how I wanted to spend the first week of Spring Break."
"How did you want to spend it, Hamilton?"
He glanced at her, opening his mouth as though he wanted to say something, but he only looked away. "Like it even matters now," he muttered.
She stared at him. "What were you gonna say?"
"Look, can we just drop it?" he said, turning back to his suitcase. "I'm going, I'm sorry for leaving you here by yourself this week, but there's nothing I can do about it."
"Don't worry about me," she sat down on his bed. "I won't be by myself."
"No. You'll be hanging with Spencer."
She raised an eyebrow. "I was actually gonna say 'Bella and Will'."
"Bella's going to New York today." He gave her a faintly bitter smile. "To visit David. Did you forget? Or did you never bother to find out?"
"What's your problem, Hamilton?" she demanded, stung. "You're leaving for a whole week without any warning and somehow it sounds like my fault?"
"Look," he sighed, "I'm sorry. I just� it just feels like you're never around these days. And don't give me the stuff about hanging with Bella and Will, I know you haven't been doing that either."
"So now you're checking up on me?"
"I just�" he sighed again, turning toward her. "I just wish you'd talk to me. After everything that's happened� I feel like I don't even know you anymore."
"That's nice, Hamilton," she said, tensing her jaw. "You know I don't wanna talk. Talking doesn't solve anything."
"Yeah, believe it or not, that part is slowly getting driven home. God, Jake, I don't know. Maybe some time away is what we need. What I need. A change of scenery."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. It means I need a change of scenery."
"It sounds like you can't wait to get away from here."
He paused, balling a sock in his hand. "What do you want me to say, Jake?"
She shrugged, looking away. "Whatever."
He stared at her for a moment longer before he resumed his packing, a hard line settling between his brows.
"Everyone's running away from this place," she murmured. "Scout's back home, Bella's going to New York, and now you."
"And you wonder why," he said wryly, closing his suitcase and turning around. "Look, Jake, it'll only be a week. I'll call."
"Yeah, great."
"Stop that," he said, folding his arms across his chest.
"Stop what?"
"Stop acting so goddamn injured. Look, you're not allowed to do this, Jake. You can't make me feel guilty for going away when all I want to do is be close to you and help you through this and you're the one who won't let me�"
"Whoa, hold up," she exclaimed, getting to her feet. "Who said anything about making you guilty? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty!"
"Then your impression of a guilt trip could've fooled me."
"So what if I want a little time to myself?" she demanded. "It doesn't mean I want you gone! It doesn't mean you have to go to freaking Vermont�"
"What does it mean, Jake? That I should just sit here and wait for you whenever you feel like you want me around?"
"No�"
"Because that's what it feels like!" he shouted. "You've pushed me away ever since� ever since Faye�" he trailed off, wrenching his gaze away as though the act were a substitute for saying the words out loud. "And when I'm with you it's like you're never really there, and you spend so much time with Spencer and I try not to say anything but�"
"There's nothing going on with me and Spencer!" she yelled. "I can't believe you're still talking about that!"
"I know nothing's going on, I'm not stupid!" he yelled back. "But did you ever stop to think how I feel about you spending�"
He was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Hamilton," said Kate Fleming, poking her head through the doorway. "Are you ready? Dad's waiting�"
She came to an abrupt stop as she caught sight of Jake. "Jacqueline," Kate said stiffly, walking into the room. "You're not supposed to be here."
"Kate� Mrs. Fleming," Jake said, quickly correcting herself. "I� it wasn't Hamilton's fault. I just heard about this trip and I had to come over to talk to him�"
"I see," Kate said curtly, cutting off the rest of Jake's words. "I trust that you can see yourself out now."
"Mom!" Hamilton exclaimed. "We were talking!"
"In case you don't remember, Hamilton," Kate said crisply. "Jacqueline was expelled from this school. And the school, the last time I checked, is still private property. Therefore Jacqueline is trespassing. Not to mention that, technically," she managed a smile tempered with irony. "Girls were never allowed in the boys' dormitories in the first place."
"I'll go," Jake said quickly, avoiding Kate's eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Jake," Hamilton said, rushing after her as she headed into the hallway. "I�"
She turned around, wearily running a hand through her hair. "Look," she said. "You don't have to make things with your mom more awkward than they already are. She hates me, and I don't blame her."
"She doesn't hate you�"
"I don't blame her," she repeated. "And I know this trip � well, a part of it must have been to get you away from me. I don't blame her for that, either."
He bit his lip, looking over his shoulder. "I�" he said. "Jake, I don�t want to leave like this. With us like this."
"Have a good trip," she merely said, smiling wistfully. "Call me when you get there."
"I will," he said, watching her turn toward the staircase.
It was only after she disappeared from view that he looked down, realising that both his fists were clenched tightly, as though grasping at something that has already faded from existence.
Outside in the parking lot, Jake put on her helmet and revved the bike engine, setting her jaw. She sent up a spray of gravel as she sped past the gates, not bothering to look back.
*Placebo's 'Twenty Years' plays*
A bus pulled up by the stop on Main Street, and Bella Banks jumped up from the bench. Pulling a rucksack over her shoulder, she boarded the bus, pulling her long hair into a ponytail as she went.
There are twenty years to go
And twenty ways to know
Who will wear, who will wear the hat
There are twenty years to go,
The best of all I hope
Enjoy the ride, the medicine show
And them's the breaks, for we designer fakes
We need to concentrate on more than meets the eye
Will Krudski walked down the hallway of the boys' dorms, looking lost in thought. When he came to his own room he noticed an envelope on the ground, partly concealed under the door.
He picked it up. It was addressed to him, and the insignia, stamped on the upper right-hand corner of the envelope, was that of the New York Times.
There are twenty years to go
The faithful and the low
The best of starts, the broken heart, the stone
There are twenty years to go,
The punch drunk and the blow
The worst of starts, the mercy part, the phone
The afternoon sun flickered through the curtained room, and they were silent as they moved together in the burnished light. Josh Sutherland breathed out as he trailed a line of kisses down Ryder Forrest's neck, letting his eyes fall closed. Ryder's fingers dug into the small of his back and it felt like Ryder was all around him; he no longer had to imagine this part and the fact of it, the reality of what was here and now, felt like a state of perpetual freefall.
He couldn't remember when this had started and how long it had been going on. This past week had been a whirlpool of days and nights, light and dark, and this - Ryder's touch, the taste of him, the feel of skin against skin � was the only way they knew to drown out everything else.
As far as he was concerned, there was only this bed in this room, Ryder, and himself. It was all he needed. It was all that they could bear.
And them's the breaks, for we designer fakes
We need to concentrate on more than meets the eye
And them's the breaks, for we designer fakes
But it's you I take cos you're the truth, not I
Steven Fleming closed the trunk of the family car and got into the driver's seat. A moment later, the engine roared to life and they started toward the front gates, heading toward the narrow strip of highway just beyond the town's limits.
In the backseat, Hamilton turned to look at Rawley disappearing behind him, the expression in his eyes one of mixed uneasiness and relief.
There are twenty years to go, a golden age I know
But all will pass, will end too fast, you know
There are twenty years to go, and many friends I hope
Though some may hold the rose some hold the rope
In his parents' house at Greenwich, in the large, over-decorated parlour, Scout Calhoun sat in front of the fireplace. It was a warm day, but he had a fire going nonetheless, sinking back against the leather armchair.
There was a glass on the side table, and his father's crystal decanter of triple-distilled brandy. The decanter was still half-full, although Scout knew the day - this day in the endless procession of days - was still young. There was time yet; there was nothing but time.
And that's the end and that's the start of it
That's the whole and that's the part of it
That's the high and that's the heart of it
That's the long and that's the short of it
That's the best and that's the test in it
That's the doubt, the doubt, the trust in it
That's the sight and that's the sound of it
That's the gift and that's the trick in it
The bus jostled its way into New York City and Bella got off at the terminal, shaking out a crick in her neck and looking around. For a moment she saw no one she recognised, and there was a faint but palpable sense of sinking, as though she had expected this all along.
Then she looked up, and David Stephenson was striding toward her with a huge smile, his arms outstretched. She grinned back, stepping into his welcoming hug.
You're the truth not I
You're the truth not I
Part Two
*opening credits and theme song*
*Will's voiceover starts*
'No matter where we turn these days, it's like she's still with us. Her ghost still walks across these lawns, and her voice still echoes in these halls. Maybe that's why everyone is trying so hard to get out. Everything is a constant reminder, of her, of our own mortality. It's enough to make anyone crazy and, well, sometimes I think we are. Going crazy, I mean. All of us, in our own quiet ways, face to face with her ghost and all these things that we can't put into words.'
New York University, Rubin Residence Hall
"Home sweet home," David announced as he opened the door to his dorm room, helping Bella take off her backpack. "How was the bus trip?"
"Uneventful." She looked around. The room was well-kept and sunny, furnishings on the sparse side, and quite unlike what one would expect from a fine-arts student. "So� this is your room."
"You've been here before," he grinned.
"Not to sleep over," she said coyly, stepping up and planting a kiss on his lips. "I'm looking forward to this weekend. Just you and me�"
"Uh," he said as a series of loud knocks issued from the door. It flew open only a moment later, revealing a crowd in the doorway. "Hey," said Lydia Simons, one of David's friends and fellow film student, as she breezed into the room. "Hope we're not interrupting!"
"Even if you were, would that have stopped you?" laughed Paul, another one of David's buddies, as he walked in with the rest of the crew in tow.
Bella recognised the other two as James and Ellie, whom she'd met when David's crew showed up in New Rawley last semester. "Hey guys," she said, trying to hide her confusion. "What's up?"
"We hear you're visiting young David here," Lydia sank into David's computer chair, swivelling around. "So we thought we'd come along, show you the sights."
"Thanks guys," David laughed. "What is this, a chaperoning expedition?"
"Could be," Lydia said offhandedly, giving him a wink. David shook his head but looked as though he couldn't help smiling back.
Bella could only grin and shrug. "Great!" she said, with more enthusiasm than she thought she could muster. "What's on the agenda, guys?"
***
The diner
Jake pulled to a stop out on the curb, leaving her bike in the usual parking space. She strode into the diner, undoing her helmet as she went. "Cheeseburger special, thanks," she said to the waiter, slumping down at one of the counter stools.
Fighting the urge to bury her head in her hands, she couldn't help a forlorn sigh. The fight with Hamilton seemed to come out of nowhere, as seemed the case with most of their fights these days. Add the distance between New Rawley and God-knows-where in Vermont, and she really wasn't in the mood to start thinking of ways to patch things up.
"Jacqueline?"
Spencer Harrison was sitting in one of the side booths, his long legs stretched out over the two-seater. "Hey," he grinned, waving lazily as she turned.
"Are you stalking me?" she chuckled as the waiter handed her tray and she walked over, sliding into his booth.
He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think it can qualify as stalking if I was here first."
"Good point." She unwrapped her cheeseburger. "So what's up?"
"Not much. You gonna eat that?" he pointed at the slice of pickle she took out of her burger. "I'll have it."
"I can't believe I found someone who actually likes pickles," she made a face as he popped the slice in his mouth. "You're a freak, Spencer."
"We're not even bothering to make with the nice nice anymore?" he laughed. "Thanks, Jacqueline."
"You're welcome," she said through a mouthful of burger.
"What about you? Any plans? Now that we're on Spring Break, I guess you'll be with Hamilton twenty-four seven."
Her expression darkened. "Not exactly."
He gave her a quick, searching look, but did not push the subject. "Well," he said after a moment, "you wanna hang today? We could head on over to my house and you can show me the moves you pulled on NASA."
"What, you don't believe I hacked in?" she raised an eyebrow.
He shrugged. "Just like to see for myself, is all."
"You're on," she grinned, taking another bite. "Watch and learn from the master, Harrison. Just watch and learn."
***
Finn's office
"What's going on, Mr. Krudski?" asked Finn as Will knocked on his door. One look at Will's face and he groaned, taking off his reading glasses. "I've seen that expression before. Never bodes well."
"I got a letter," Will said sombrely, taking a seat opposite Finn's desk. "From the New York Times."
"You tried out for the summer internship program."
"Yeah, and they turned me down."
"I heard. The final position went to�" Finn stopped suddenly, a note of comprehension settling over his eyes.
"Faye," Will finished for him, sighing. "Yeah. Well, they're offering the job to me now."
"What does the letter say?"
Will slid the envelope across the desk. "Just that an intern spot had opened up unexpectedly and I was their second choice, so�"
Finn skimmed the letter, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "So what are you going to do?"
"That's why I wanted to talk to you. I just feel� I don't know what I feel. But it just seems wrong for me to take this job when� when I know�" Will trailed off, sighing again. "What do you think I should do?"
"It's not something I can answer for you, Will."
"How about a hint? Come on, Finn, I'm not here advocating hard paternalism, I just want your opinion."
"Well," Finn said slowly. "What are your reasons for hesitating, really? I mean, we're all shaken by what's happened, but� is that any reason to hold off on this offer? It's the New York Times, Will."
"Yeah, and I wanted it," Will said quietly. "I really wanted it. It's an understatement to say I wasn't happy when I found out she got the spot. But� I didn't want it like this. I didn't want�"
"You want to feel like you earned it."
Will was silent for a moment, looking past Finn's shoulder to the window behind him, at the clear sunlit day, the green lawns stretching out from the building and, beyond that, the glittering lake.
"Among other things, yeah," he said finally, getting to his feet.
"You figured out what you want to do?" Finn asked, furrowing his brows.
"I need some time to think," Will said, starting toward the door. "I'll let you know when I decide."
With Finn's door securely closed behind him, Will leaned back against the wall, pressing a hand to his forehead.
The truth was that he was no closer to an answer than when he went in. He wasn't sure that he himself knew exactly why he was doing this, why there was resistance and doubt when it should have been a simple and clear-cut Yes. It wasn't his fault that she couldn't be here to take the position, and it was certainly on the morbid side, but that wouldn't have been enough to deter him. Yet as he looked down at the envelope in his hand, he could feel the sense of dread again, bubbling up inside him like some demented psychological soda fountain.
He moaned and closed his eyes: now he was sinking to the level of horrid similes; something must really be wrong with him.
"You look pretty serious. What, did somebody die?"
His eyes flew open. Maria Ishizuka stood in front of him, smiling. However, one look at his stunned expression and she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. "Oh my god," she muttered. "I can't believe I said that."
"Uh, hey," he managed to croak out.
"I can't believe I said that," she said again, shaking her head. "God, I feel like a moron."
He shrugged, looking away. "It happens."
"Yeah, I guess," she said, following him as he walked toward the main hall entrance. "You just looked so freaked out. What's going on?"
"The New York Times is offering me an internship over the summer."
"What? Oh my god, that's great, Will! We should celebrate�"
"Faye was meant to be the one taking it." He didn't look back as he descended the exterior stone steps.
"You mean�"
"Yeah." At the foot of the stairs he turned to look at her, his eyes bleached to icy blue by the sunlight. "And now they're offering her position to me."
"So what are you gonna do?"
He breathed out slowly, turning to look over the lake in the distance. It was late afternoon; the light had a particular quality to it, a faded richness, like worn metal.
"I need to talk to my mom," he said softly. "Will you come with me?"
***
The gas station
"I wonder how Bella's doing in New York," Charlie said as he and Grace Banks set the table for dinner. "She should've called by now. I wonder if I should be getting worried."
"Little Miss Perfect, getting into trouble?" Grace rolled her eyes. "As if. I'm sure she's fine, dad. Plus, she's got David looking out for her. He isn't exactly a bad boy biker dude."
"I know." Charlie looked like he couldn't help a grin. "But it's my duty to worry. I just wish she'd call."
"She will." Grace disappeared into the kitchen, emerging with steaming pot roast. "Are you sure we can eat all this? I like your cooking and all, but even you can't eat, like, ten pounds of meat."
"Why don't you call Pagan? Get him to come over?"
"He's in New York today," she said, looking forlorn. "Back at his parents'. He should be back tomorrow."
"Ah, tomorrow," Charlie said absently, bringing out the vegetables. "There's an idea."
Grace looked up with an expectant grin. "Yeah," she said mischievously, "tomorrow�"
"We'll just have to eat the rest of this tomorrow," Charlie said, examining the pot roast. "Should make some good sandwiches for the road."
"The road�" Grace's smile disappeared. "Where are you going?"
"The antique car show over in Carson." Charlie looked surprised. "I thought you knew. Did you wanna come with me?"
"Uh," Grace said, stuttering. "Um� no� uh, dad�"
"Honey, I've been looking forward to this show for months," he said, picking up the carving knife. "I was sure I talked you girls' ears off before this."
"Yeah, I just didn't realise it was tomorrow."
"Why? What's tomorrow?"
She looked up, the expression on her face half incredulous, half dejected. He was too busy carving to see.
"Nothing," she murmured, looking down again. "Nothing special."
***
Spencer's house
"No, you can't do it like that," Jake said impatiently. "The password is randomly generated every 24 hours, you wouldn't be able to save the same pathway you used last time."
"I'm not saving the path," Spencer replied, typing furiously. "I'm saving the parameters we used to approach the password generator. That won't change even if the password does."
She frowned. "But wouldn't that be logged by the security system?"
"Not if you use�" he typed in another set of commands, "the Spencer Harrison special, all-new, as-yet-unpatented-but-I'm-gonna-as-soon-as-it-becomes-legal, totally anonymous anti-tracking program. It took me, like, two years to develop. Pretty cool, huh?"
"Dude," she muttered, staring at the screen. "How come I haven't seen this before?"
"It's my best kept secret," he gave her a sideways grin. "Impressed?"
"Maybe," she said begrudgingly. Her cell phone rang and she gave him an apologetic smile, standing up to take the call.
"Hello?" she said into the receiver as she walked to the window. Spencer's house was not far from Susan's, and his room, like her own, was on the second storey, looking out over a quiet side street. Night had completely fallen; after she'd shown him the NASA hack, they had gone out of their way to find more complicated systems to crack, and the past few hours had flown by.
"Jake?" Hamilton's voice crackled over the line.
"Hamilton? Where are you? The reception's terrible."
"Yeah, granny's house is sorta out of the way. Hey, I just wanted to call, see how you were."
"I'm fine. How was the drive?"
"Okay."
"That's good."
There was a moment of silence. She fought the urge to chew the inside of her lip.
"Um�" Hamilton's voice sounded as awkward as she was feeling. "I miss you."
Before she could reply, Spencer let out a loud whoop, punching the air. "I got in!" he exclaimed, swirling around on his computer chair. "Quick! You gotta see this, I only bought us forty-five seconds."
"Is that Spencer?" Hamilton's voice had suddenly gained a sharp quality to it, almost metallic in texture and decidedly cool.
Jake sighed. "Yes. We're doing some hacking, okay?"
Hamilton was silent. She opened her mouth and closed it again, lost for words.
"Jacqueline, come on." Spencer was glued to the screen, his fingers flying frantically over the keyboard.
"Look, Hamilton," she said into the receiver, tensing her jaw. "I gotta go, okay?"
He didn�t reply.
A tide of resentment washed over her, so quickly and powerfully that she found herself astonished by the force of it. "I'll talk to you later," she said brusquely, snapping her phone shut without waiting for a reply.
Striding across the room, she sank into her seat. "So what are we looking at?" she asked, stuffing the phone back in her pocket.
"Mobility plans for the thirty-third regiment, U.S. Marine Corps. Of course, it'd be probably a lot cooler if I had any idea what the thirty-third does," he grinned, shrugging. "But hey, we're looking at confidential army files. How cool is that?"
"Cool," she agreed, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach.
"Time to get out," he said, typing in a set of shut-down commands, taking care to erase their electronic footprints from the registry. She watched in sullen silence, one hand still in her pocket, absently tracing the outline of her cell phone keypad.
"So," he turned off the monitor and turned to face her. "Hamilton called, huh?"
She looked away. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"That's cool." He didn't miss a beat. "So what do you wanna do now? I got the new Final Fantasy on Xbox."
"I dunno," she shrugged. "I don�t really feel like it. Maybe I should just get home."
"What are you gonna do, go home, curl up in a ball on the floor and sulk?" He reached over and gave her hair a playful muss. "It's Spring Break, Jacqueline. Live a little."
She swatted his hand away, but couldn't help a small smile.
"Come on, what do you wanna do?" He leaned back in his chair. "Lady's choice. I'll go wherever you wanna go. Take your mind off things."
She was quiet for a moment, her finger still tracing over the phone in her pocket.
"I just want to be somewhere else," she finally said, lifting her eyes.
He raised an eyebrow. "You mean 'other than my house'?"
"I mean here," she gestured out the window. "This town. This life. I feel like I'm suffocating. I just want to be not here anymore, Spencer."
He studied her carefully, his eyes moss-green in the lamp light. She looked back at first, but found herself dropping her gaze a moment later, clearing her throat nervously.
"I think I can do something about that," he said, with what looked like a small, triumphant smile. "Grab your coat, we're going for a drive."
Part Three
Carson
"What is this place?" Jake asked dubiously. Spencer had told her to pull to a stop in front of what looked like a dark, abandoned building in one of Carson's outer streets. She could feel the ground pulsating slightly under her feet, the sound of bass beats seemingly coming from every which way. But the night was cool and quiet, and nobody was in sight.
"This," he said as he pushed open the door to the decrepit building, "is the Doom. Best-kept secret in town."
The sound of music grew louder as he led her down a set of narrow stairs. Grasping onto the banister lest she trip in the dim light, she could make out the shape of a small door at the foot of the steps, a tall man standing beside it. "Spencer," she hissed, tugging on his sleeve. "Is this a club? We're gonna get carded."
"Not here." She could hear the smile in his voice as they approached the bouncer. "Two," Spencer said, handing the man a couple of bills. The bouncer cast a brief glance over Jake and nodded, pushing the door open.
It was like stepping into another world. Music was all around them, an array of multicoloured lights exploding in front of their eyes. People were suddenly everywhere.
"Oh my god," Jake exclaimed, dazzled. "This is just... freaky."
"Like I said," he cast a grin over his shoulder. "Best kept secret in town. You wanted to be somewhere else? Well, this is it."
She grinned, still gazing around in wonder. "It's amazing, Spencer."
"I'm glad you think so. Come on, let's get you a drink."
***
New Rawley: Susan's house
"Thanks for the meal, Mrs. Krudski," Maria said politely as she helped Susan carry the dishes into the kitchen. "It was lovely."
"Why, thank you, Maria," Susan smiled, charmed. "You really don't have to help me clean up, I'll be done in a second here."
"Not at all," Maria loaded up the dishwasher. "Why don't you go talk to Will? I'll finish up here."
"Is he all right?" Susan asked, lowering her voice and peeking out into the living room, where Will and Reese Alexander had found seats on the couch. "He was quiet all through dinner."
"Well, he has something on his mind," Maria said quietly. "That's the main reason we came over, to be honest. I think he'd like to talk to you about it. Go on, I'll bring out some coffee."
"Thanks, honey," Susan smiled, giving her a quick hug. "You're such a doll."
When Susan made her way into the living room, she found Will talking to Reese. "I just don't know what to do," Will said, eyes downcast. "It seems like� if I take the job, it almost seems disrespectful�"
"What's going on, sweetie?" Susan took a seat next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder.
Without a word he thrust the letter at her. She took it quizzically and skimmed the contents, her eyes lighting up as she took in the details. "But sweetie, that's great news!" she exclaimed. "You wanted it so bad and now you got it!"
"You know why they suddenly had an opening?" he asked, his voice flat. "It was Faye. She was supposed to be that intern."
"Oh god," she murmured, exchanging a look with Reese. "I'm so sorry."
Will nodded slowly. "I feel horrible."
She patted him on the shoulder, glancing at Reese again. He caught her look and gave her an understanding smile. "So, Will," he said, leaning forward. "Do you want the job?"
"Of course I do."
"But� you're not going to take it?"
Will looked up. "I don't know."
"You're not serious?" Susan demanded. "But Will, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! It's your foot in the door!"
"Don't you think I know that, mom?" he exclaimed, turning away. "I just� I just don't know, okay? I can't do this."
"Will," Reese said slowly. "What is it, exactly, that you can't do? I mean, if she were here, would she want to see you throw this opportunity away? It doesn't seem right that you're denying yourself something you want just on the principle alone. Especially when we don't even know what that principle is. Is it guilt? It's not your fault that she couldn't be an intern this summer, and it's not your fault that this position got offered to you."
"But I do feel guilty," Will said quietly. "I know all this, but� I can't help it. It feels like I should be doing something else. I can't just go ahead and erase her like this, like she's� like�"
"Like she's expendable?" Reese finished for him, his voice gentle.
Will drew in a breath. "Yeah," he said after a pause, blinking. "I don't want to� I don't want to just move on, like it's so easy�"
"Oh, honey," Susan sighed. "It's not like that. No one's thinking that."
"It's what I feel," he whispered. "And I can't help that. And� I can't help thinking about what Scout would say if he knew. I don't know how I can do this to him. It's like saying she doesn't even matter, that I can just brush right past it and� god, even benefit from what happened�"
"Will," Reese said after a moment of silence. "It sounds like you need to work things out with Scout. Maybe this isn't so much about her as it's about him."
Will looked up thoughtfully. Reese gave him an encouraging nod.
"Yeah," Will murmured, looking back down at the letter, tracing the lines of the insignia with his forefinger. "Maybe you're right."
***
New York
"This place is great," said Bella, cradling a cup of coffee and looking at her surroundings. David's friends had taken them out to their local haunt, a small coffee shop just off-campus, and evidently one whose patrons were mostly fine arts students and other like-minded people. The wait staff were more or less draped in flowing bohemian clothing � guys and girls alike � and the walls were covered top-to-bottom with murals of varying media and disciplines. "You guys come here a lot?" Bella asked, settling back against David.
"All the time," said Lydia. "Back when we were freshmen, this place was how we got to know each other."
"And where many a great plan was formed," James mock-sighed. "I was gonna be the next Colin McHahn. But then I failed painting class."
"So you took up film," laughed David. "The second-rate medium. We've all heard the story."
"This is also the time Ellie and I first cemented our ill-conceived affair," Paul laughed. "We were drunk out of our minds one night and started making out over on that couch over there. And then we kinda felt compelled to date each other afterward�"
"Which was a complete disaster," Ellie giggled, giving him a nudge. "I think we gave up about five minutes into the date."
"So the moral of that story is," James said solemnly, "don't drink and make out with your friends, because that never ends well."
"Well, it did all right with David and Lyddie," Paul said absently, reaching for the sugar shaker.
Bella furrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"
Paul glanced at her, then at David, looking caught. "Should I not have� didn't you know�"
"No, it's okay," David said, giving Bella's hand a quick squeeze. "I just� uh, haven't really gotten around to, you know, telling Bella about it."
"Gee, I feel so important," Lydia quipped dryly. "Glad to know a year-long relationship rates so highly on your radar."
"Wait," Bella interrupted. "You guys� were dating? For a whole year?"
Lydia looked at her over the top of her steaming chai latte. She was wearing liquid eyeliner, the corners of her eyes sharply accentuated and cat-like in the dim light. "Yes," she said with a slight smile, and Bella couldn't tell if it were supposed to be an acknowledgement, or some sort of challenge.
"Oh," Bella said faintly, turning to David.
"It's over now," he said, a little brusquely. "It's been over for a while."
Bella couldn't help noticing that the others were darting quick, uncomfortable looks at each other. "Uh," Paul said after a lull, his voice unconvincingly bright. "Maybe we should call it a night, guys. Leave David and Bella some time to be alone, you know?"
The others muttered their agreements, rising to their feet. Lydia merely smiled, taking another serene sip of her drink before joining the others. "We'll come pick you up for breakfast tomorrow," she said lightly as she headed for the door. "Good night, Bella. Night, David."
"Good night," Bella said faintly, watching her depart.
***
Vermont
Hamilton sat in his grandmother's guest room, absently flipping his phone open and shut. It was late at night, the curtains weren't pulled, and all he could make out in the window was his own reflection.
He flipped the phone open again, staring down at the display. It still stung, hours after the fact, that she'd hung up on him when he knew that she was with Spencer, doing god-knows-what, and she was still acting as though it meant nothing.
She was so fiercely independent that she always seemed a million miles away. Sometimes he wondered if this was how she treated all her relationships, and whether that was why she didn't have any meaningful ones. Until him. And now the same thing seemed to be happening all over again.
"Hamilton?" Kate asked quietly from the doorway. "I've got you a couple of extra pillows."
"Thanks," he said, finally putting the phone down.
She made her way into the room, fluffing the pillows with a studied effort. Her hair was unpinned, a cascade of curls obscuring her face.
"I know you're angry at me," she said finally, not looking at him.
He gave a small start, turning toward her.
"And you have every right to be," she continued. "I wasn't very nice to Jacqueline this morning. I know that."
"Mom�"
"It's just that she betrayed my trust, Hamilton. I can't just� get over that." She sat down on the edge of the bed, folding her hands in her lap. "It's going to take some time."
He stared at her, not sure if she wanted him to say anything in reply.
"Oh, I don�t know," she sighed, worrying the bedspread. "I mean, I understand why she did it, in some twisted way. And I want you to know I'm not this horrific, unreasonable person, I just� I'm just having a hard time dealing."
"But I was thinking," she said after a moment, looking up. "With everything that's happened� with Faye and� everything. Maybe I should've done something else. Something better. I've been hurt and I've shut her out and maybe� maybe that wasn't entirely right. I want to be open, at least to the possibility, of getting back to where we were. I know she isn't a bad person. I mean, I trust your judgment. It's just that it's all been such a shock when we found out and�"
"Mom," he interrupted. "I get it. It's cool. I mean, I'm glad you feel this way."
"Then why do you still look like your dog just died?"
He shrugged, dropping his gaze.
"I know it's been a while since we talked," she said softly. "And I'm sorry. It's been my fault, I know. But� Munchie, I want us to start again. I don't like life like this."
"You know this is the first time you called me Munchie in months," he said with a quiet chuckle.
"Sorry," she smiled. "I know how much you hate it."
"I thought I did. But I kinda missed it after a while."
Her smile deepened. After a lull she said, tentatively, "So� you and Jacqueline. Is everything all right?"
"No," he said woodenly. "But it's not your fault. What we're going through� it's much bigger than that. I have no idea what to do."
"Oh, honey," she sighed, scooting closer and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "It'll work out."
"I hope so," he murmured, looking out the window again. His reflection stared back, solemn and uncertain.
***
Rawley Academy: Ryder's room
They hadn't bothered to turn the lights on. Between the two of them they had worked through nearly a whole pack of cigarettes, and now Josh sat on the edge of the windowsill, one leg propped up against the glass and the other one dangling down to the floor, the tip of his cigarette a bright stub against the night. He could see Ryder's shadowy form sprawled across the bed, his face to the ceiling. There was a thin layer of smoke in the room, almost indiscernible. It felt like two-thirds reality, with a dream threatening to bleed through.
"What are you thinking?" Ryder asked. It was as though somebody else was talking, a disembodied voice, a tone that suggested a person who actually gave a damn. This Ryder � the new one, the one with the shorn hair and sometimes words of comfort � was still alien to him, like a new pair of jeans that needed a little more wearing.
"It's like we've been here forever," Josh answered. He didn't look at Ryder. "I feel like we've always been here. Always will be. Just� here, in the dark."
Ryder didn't reply. Josh didn't need him to. These days crawled along in a bleak daze, just the two of them in this room, working their way through packs of cigarettes, talking or not talking, sometimes pressing up against each other like animals seeking warmth.
Sometimes it felt easier, and it was surprising, really, how quickly one could forget. There would be entire conversations, minutes, hours, before they would look at each other and realise at the same time that she wasn't here anymore. And that they had forgotten about it. It seemed wrong on so many levels.
But remembering was harder. They knew that too.
***
New York: David's dorm
"It's been a long day," David sighed as he let Bella and himself in. "I didn't know they were gonna show up, I swear. This wasn't how I wanted you to spend your first day here."
"It's okay." Bella tossed her jacket over the back of his chair. "No big."
"Look, I�" he hesitated. "About the Lydia thing�"
"You don't have to explain," she said softly, sitting down on his bed. "Really. I know you didn't hold it back on purpose."
"You sure? I mean," he sat down next to her. "I mean, yeah, it's true. I just didn't want you to think I did. We're over, honest. Everything was already over when I met you."
She nodded, taking one of his hands in hers.
"I know she can be�" he chuckled. "You know. She's sort of intimidating by nature. But she's not a bad person, honestly. I just didn't want you to feel weird about it."
"It's okay," she said again, lacing her fingers through his. "Really."
He glanced at her, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Really?"
She smiled, leaning in for a slow kiss.
"I'll take that as a yes," he murmured.
"I'm just glad we're finally alone," she whispered, kissing him again. "Not that I don't like your friends, but� I wanted you to myself."
He smiled as she eased him back onto the bed. "You seem like a woman with a plan."
"You could say that," she giggled, kissing him again. "God, I've waited the whole day to do this."
"I missed you," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her waist. "And I've been worried about you all this time. You know I would've stayed at New Rawley if I could�"
"I know." She removed his glasses impatiently, kissing him again. "God, I missed this."
"Are you all right?" he mumbled against her mouth, sounding just a little too confused for her liking. "Bella�"
"Shh," she muttered, already deftly undoing his shirt buttons. "I wanted to do this all day, David. I� I need this�"
He sighed. A small sound, not altogether noticeable. "What are you doing, Bella?" he murmured, his voice so soft she could barely hear him.
She paused, looking at him quizzically. "What did you say?"
"I said," he averted his eyes. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?"
He sighed, still not looking at her. "Bella�"
"David, I love you."
She didn't understand the implications of what she said until she already said it, and she could feel herself being taken aback by the weight of this impulsive declaration. She bit her lip as he turned back to her, his eyes searching.
"Do you?" he asked.
She caught her breath and stared at him, at a loss for words.
He watched, the corners of his lips tugging upwards in a knowing, humourless smile. Without another word he pushed himself up, gently nudging her to one side.
"I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight," he said without ceremony, picking up his glasses.
She only watched mutely as he walked across the room and settled down on the couch, tugging the afghan down as a makeshift blanket.
Her mouth was dry. She thought she should have said something, but she was struck by the sheer absence of these words. It was strange that the distance in this tiny dorm room could have felt like a million miles.
Part Four
Carson
"Are you cold?" Spencer asked.
"I'm fine," Jake said with a little shiver, wrapping her arms around herself. The crowds at the Doom had thinned only in the early hours of morning, and now they lay on the grassy patch just next to where the main road met the highway, watching the sun come up.
"So," he said after a lull, glancing her way. His eyes were dark in the watery morning light, the look on his face simultaneously curious and rueful. "Did you manage to lose yourself?"
She breathed out, leaning back against the grass and staring up at the sky. There were still stars hovering about the rapidly lightening horizon, twinkling as though they were laughing at some secret cosmic joke.
"Yeah, I did," she said. "Thank you."
He merely nodded, a thoughtful smile tugging on his lips. They watched the sunrise in silence.
***
Ryder's room
Ryder awoke slowly to the sight of faint light spilling past the edges of the curtains. There was a moment � there was always a moment � where everything seemed fine, as though it had always been that way. Then he remembered, as he always did, and he let his head fall back against the pillow, his eyes trained on the sliver of light beyond the window.
Something felt wrong, as though he had misplaced a thing of vital importance, and it took him another moment to figure out what it was. Josh was nowhere in sight.
He sat up. "Josh," he said, more as an experiment than as a question, tasting the shape of the word on his tongue. After all this time it still felt strange to hear that name said by him, with the new meanings that he had imbued, finally stripped of all the layers of pretence. The thought was exhilarating and full of terror at the same time.
"Hey."
He looked up. Josh was making his way back into the room, strands of dark hair clinging damply to his face. "I went to take a shower," he said by way of explanation, with a small smile. "It was starting to smell a bit ripe in here."
Ryder cracked a smile. "I guess I better do the same."
"Kiss," Josh said as Ryder passed him, his tone plain and semi-distracted as though they've been doing this for years. Ryder couldn't help a smile as he obliged. This could become ordinary in due time; he wasn't sure if he ever wanted it to.
***
The gas station
"Mmm, something smells good," Grace grinned as she walked down the stairs, wearing a towel turban. "What's for breakfast?"
"The Charlie Banks super special," Charlie announced from the kitchen, bringing out a heaped tray. "Blueberry pancakes, sausages, bacon, hash browns, English muffins and two giant mochas. Well, I cheated on the coffee, that's from across the road."
"Cos we all know you can't brew a cup to save your life," she grinned, taking a seat. "Thanks, dad. This is really nice."
"Thought we might give ourselves a little treat while Bella's away," he chuckled, pulling up a chair. "Now eat up. I gotta head off in a half hour, said I'd meet Joey at the car show."
She paused with her fork halfway to her mouth, frowning. "Dad�"
He looked up from his coffee cup. "What?"
"This breakfast, it's not� What's the occasion?"
He grinned, looking confused. "Do we need a reason to treat ourselves?"
She stared at him, a hint of incredulity settling over her eyes. But it only lasted for a moment before she dropped her gaze.
"No," she said quietly. "Of course not."
***
Ryder's room
Ryder ran a hand over his shorn scalp on his way back to his room. He was still not used to seeing his own face in the mirror, the stark angles and ridges. It seemed like he had aged ten years over the last ten days.
When he opened the door, he saw Josh sitting on the far corner of the bed, his knees tucked up to his chest. He was crying.
"What's wrong?" Ryder demanded, closing the door behind him and striding over. He paused beside the bed; despite everything that happened recently, this was alien territory. "Hey," he murmured, sitting down.
Josh forced a smile, wiping away his tears quickly. "Sorry," he mumbled, reaching for Ryder's hand. "For a minute I lost myself."
Ryder swallowed as their eyes met. Time wasn't time these days; it was a hand-drawn line, bending and stretching where it wanted, condensing all the days and nights into one single point and then stretching it out until one minute from the next felt like sheer agony. She was gone; that thought was so simple and clear-cut that the blunt force of it could knock their breaths away. At the same time they knew it was a notion beyond recognition, something they could never let in completely.
Without speaking, Ryder reached over and wrapped an arm around Josh, pressing his lips to the top of Josh's head.
"I'm just waiting for it to get better," Josh said at length, closing his eyes. "Every day. I'm waiting for things not to hurt so much."
"It'll happen," Ryder said, and even as he said the words he felt his own uncertainty, grief settling over him like a lead weight. "Eventually," he said, his hold tightening on Josh's hand.
"When will 'eventually' get here?" Josh murmured, resting his head against Ryder's shoulder.
"I don't know."
Josh blinked slowly, another tear making its way down his cheek.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," he said quietly. "If it's this hard when we're�" He gestured toward the room, the bed, the two of them, "I don't think I'd be able to survive if I had to do this on my own."
"We can bear a lot more than we think we can," Ryder said, his voice low.
"Maybe you're right," Josh said, sounding tired.
"But I'm glad too," Ryder said, casting his eyes downward. "If I had to do this alone� I think I would've done it. I can. But there might not be anything left, by the end. I'm changing, Joshua. I get scared by who I see in the mirror. That guy there� that's not me."
Josh looked up at him, saying nothing.
"But at least you're here. You can tell me who I am," Ryder said finally, meeting his eyes. "You always know."
Without another word Josh leaned in and kissed Ryder softly, placing a cool hand against his cheek. As Ryder gave in to the kiss he could hear the sound of his own heart beating.
***
New York: David's room
David had gone downstairs to the cafeteria. Bella would have offered to come with him, but they'd barely exchanged two words this morning. When she woke up he was already up and showered, having slept in his clothes the night before. He looked weary and thoughtful, his chin shaded with stubble, his eyes bloodshot. She had opened her mouth to say something, but one look from him, and she had faltered.
"Is saying 'I love you' a crime now?" she muttered to herself as she threw her nightgown into her bag, ferociously zipping it up and getting the zipper caught in the process. Cursing, she tugged on it until it broke free with a tearing sound. "God," she muttered angrily, plonking herself down on the bed. Pulling out her cell phone, she punched in the first number on her speed-dial, only to hear the by-now familiar recorded message on Jake's voicemail. Shaking her head, she tried another number.
"Hey Grace," she said when her sister answered. "So maybe you can answer this for me, huh? What does it mean when you say 'I love you' to a guy, and then he replies by completely blowing you off? And it's David, for god's sake! I didn't even think he was capable of doing this. What the hell is wrong with him? For that matter, what the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking?"
"Gee, it's nice to hear from you too." Grace sounded tired. "Take a breath or something, all right?"
"I just couldn't think of anyone else to call," Bella moaned. "Jake's not answering her phone, and I really need to talk to someone about this�"
"And that's the only reason you called. To vent. Not to, you know, say hi to me or�" Grace paused. "Say anything else in particular?"
"What are you talking about, Grace? Look, this is a big deal to me so I just wanted to talk to somebody, okay? I'm sorry it's so weird for you."
"Right. So you didn't, like, call for any other reason�"
"I swear, everyone's gone insane today. Did you hear what I said about David?"
"Yeah," Grace sighed over the line. "I heard. So you said 'I love you' and he, like, shoved it back in your face?"
"Pretty much." Bella paced around the room, unable to sit still. "So�?"
"I say that's not good."
"Thanks for that, Sherlock."
"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, Bella. It's not usually a good thing when you say 'I love you' to someone and they throw a spaz. What exactly happened, by the way? Maybe you just put him on the spot. Maybe he just�"
"He asked me, 'Do you?', and then he went to sleep on the couch."
A pause. "Oh," Grace sounded amused. "That's not good."
"You're so heartless. I can hear you smiling."
"You can not. And I�m not! It's just� weird, is all. What a weird thing to say back."
"I know. What does he mean? Of course I love him. Why else would I say it if it's not true? God!" Bella sat back down again. "I swear, Grace, he's been so weird these couple of days."
"Well, did anything happen? What made you decide to say it to him, anyway? Did it just sort of� pop out?"
"I don't know." Bella tugged at the bedspread. "I guess last night was just weird in general. I found out that he and Lydia used to go out and it� I guess it freaked me out."
"So you decided to get dibs in on David by telling him you loved him? You're afraid he's gonna leave you for her?"
"What? No. That's insane. It's got nothing to do with that. You're totally confusing the issue."
"Really." Grace's tone was wry.
"What's this," Bella said quietly. "You really think I told him I loved him because� because of her? You think I don't love him?"
"I didn't say that."
"You might as well have."
"Look, Bella," Grace sounded weary. "I didn't mean to imply anything, okay? You're the one who called me. I thought you wanted to work something out here."
"I do. I just�"
"And maybe now you're figuring out something you might not have wanted to hear."
Bella got up again, striding toward the window and staring out at the street below. She didn't reply.
"Look," Grace's voice was quiet. "I think you and David are great together. I really do. But I think you need to figure some things out about this relationship. And I think maybe he understands that, too."
"Grace�" Bella couldn't help a wan smile, pressing her forehead against the window. "When did you become Aunt Mildred with her own relationship advice column, anyway?"
"Right about the time you lost your head. Go talk to him."
"Thanks, Grace. And hey�"
"Yeah?" There was an expectant edge to Grace's voice.
"Thanks. I never thought I'd say this, but� you've been great. I really appreciate it."
"Sure." Suddenly Grace sounded tired again. "I'll see you at home."
By the time Bella made it downstairs, she was feeling distinctly more optimistic. The sun was bright in the halls, the downstairs caf� was filled with chattering students, and the scene seemed so oddly idyllic that she couldn't help chuckling quietly to herself. She picked her way through the crowds, looking for the familiar blond head and wire-rim glasses.
She spotted him in the corner, nursing a cup of coffee and talking to someone in a nearby armchair. He didn't notice her approach; his head was bowed, his eyes downcast, and he was deep in conversation, looking so earnest and troubled that Bella felt a sudden pang. She couldn't remember the last time he talked to her with that sort of expression. Maybe he never had.
The other person was Lydia, naturally. Bella couldn't even bring herself to be surprised. The svelte brunette was leaning forward, listening to him with an expression of apt concentration. She hadn't noticed Bella approach, either. Somehow they seemed like the only two people in the room.
"What am I doing?" Bella whispered to herself as she took one step backward, then another. She turned and walked out of the caf� as quickly as she'd come.
***
Greenwich: Scout's house
It was barely noon by the time Will and Maria arrived in Greenwich. A short cab ride and Will suddenly found himself facing one of the most elaborate houses that he had ever seen in his life, if it could be called a house at all. After being buzzed in at the front gate, they spent a good deal of time walking up the winding driveway, admiring the sprawling landscaping that stretched away from them in all directions. The house itself was imposing grey stone, not unlike Rawley, and every inch of the grounds seemed immaculate. Curiously, there were at least six or seven expensive-looking cars parked haphazardly out in the courtyard.
"So this is what it means to have money," Will said under his breath, whistling.
"Old, old money," Maria agreed, looking around. "I mean, it's not like my family's out selling hot dogs on the street or anything, but damn. I grew up with Scout and I still can't get used to this house. These New England society types really know how to make you feel inadequate."
"Says the Japanese ambassador's daughter," he said, rolling his eyes. "Imagine how I feel. My mom charges seven-fifty per haircut and I grew up on that money."
"Yeah, yeah, you're special, we all heard the spiel," she giggled, ringing the doorbell. "I wonder what these cars are doing out here."
"Scout's dad's having a car exhibition?" Will suggested, just as the door was opened by a harassed-looking maid. "Hi," Will said. "We're here to see Scout?"
"The others are out back by the pool," the maid said as she ushered them in. "Just right through this way. Someone will get your drinks there. Excuse me�"
They looked after her in confusion as she scuttled off into the east wing. "What's going on?" Will muttered. "Did we miss a memo?"
"I guess we'll find out." Maria was already halfway down the hall. "Come on, she said he's this way."
The sound of laughter rose to greet them as soon as they turned the corner. A set of French doors opened onto the back patio and indoor pool, and even from where he stood Will could see shimmering blue reflections on the glass, a mixture of sky and water and shifting bodies. As they walked out onto the patio, a tray of pina coladas was immediately thrust upon them. "Um� no thanks," Will stammered at the girl holding the tray, who was clad in a skimpy lime-green bikini and, somewhat ludicrously, a pink bow-tie. She grinned at him and walked away, offering drinks to various other kids sprawled around the perimeter of the pool.
"Do you know these people?" Will whispered to Maria. "Are we even at the right house?"
"We're at the right house," she answered, shielding her eyes against the sunlight that streamed in through the glass ceiling, nodding at something over Will's shoulder.
Will turned to see Scout sitting by the pool, wearing swimming trunks and a pair of Wayfarers, taking a drink as the girl with the tray passed him. He looked pale but relaxed, chuckling to another couple of girls sitting beside him. It was a far cry from the expressionless boy Will knew from a week ago, being ushered away from Faye's funeral, stumbling over his own feet.
As Will watched, Scout lifted his sunglasses and turned toward them, a smile breaking over his face. "I didn't know you were coming, man!" he exclaimed, jumping out of the lounge chair with his arms outstretched. "It's good to see you."
"Uh," Will stammered, letting himself be hugged. "Um, Scout� it's nice to see you too�"
"Maria," Scout abandoned Will, kissing Maria on both cheeks. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," Maria said, looking every bit as taken aback as Will. "Uh� how are you?"
"Good, good. Hey, you guys don't have drinks. We can't have that." Scout waved down the girl with the tray, looking every bit the genial host.
"No, it's okay�" Before Will could finish his sentence he already found himself holding a pina colada. "Uh, thanks," he said tentatively. "Scout� who are all these people? What's going on?"
"Oh man, I forgot to introduce you. Maria, you know Todd and Andy. Will, this is Todd and Andy, they go to Exeter and are just back for Spring Break. This is Danielle, Todd's sister� and this is Alana�" Rattling off names without looking to see the others were following, Scout walked around the perimeter of the pool, taking another drink off the tray as he passed the waitress. "Come on, guys," he called over his shoulder. "I hope you brought your bathing suits."
"Okay," Will whispered to Maria as they followed Scout. "I feel like we're in some alternate universe."
"Or maybe Scout's been taken over by a pod person." She shook her head. "Will, this is so wrong."
"You're telling me," he said, taking a few quick steps forward to catch up. "Hey man," he said, placing a hand on Scout's shoulder. "Hey, slow down."
Scout flinched and shook Will's hand away. "Yeah," he said carelessly, looking past Will to another group of kids on the other side of the pool. "Hey, I'm glad you came, man. I was gonna invite you but you know, it just slipped my mind and it's really cool that you're here."
"Yeah, about that," Will said. "Listen, Scout� are you okay? I mean� I didn't expect to come here and find you having a party�"
"I'm catching up with old friends." Scout grinned at a couple that had just walked onto the patio. "Hey, there's Allison and that loser boyfriend of hers, I gotta go say hi. Make yourselves comfortable, okay? Maria knows everyone, she'll introduce you. I'll talk to you in a sec."
"But�" Will didn't get to finish before Scout brushed past him, flashing a quick grin at Maria as he walked toward the couple at the door.
"Wait," Will said, setting down his drink. "Scout�"
Before he could move, Maria took a step in front of him, discreetly blocking his way. "Will," she said quietly. "Maybe now's not the right time."
"What are you talking about?" Will retorted, gesturing at the party. "Have you looked around you? He's clearly gone insane and somebody's gotta talk to him."
"Give him some time." She led him to a couple of unoccupied lounge chairs and forced him to sit down. "Look, I'm as freaked out about this as you are. But look at him, all right? He can't even sit still for a couple of minutes, he's not in a position to talk right now."
"And that doesn't worry you?"
"It worries me a lot, Will," she said quietly, looking over her shoulder at Scout, who had by now abandoned the couple he was greeting and had joined the group on the far side of the pool. A ring had formed and they could hear Scout laughing as he bent down to do a body shot from the girl in the bikini.
"Oh my god," Will muttered, looking away. "This isn't him, Maria. He's acting like every other rich Rawley creep. He's acting like� like�"
"Like his girlfriend didn't just die a couple of weeks ago?" she finished for him, looking away.
He looked up at her sharply. A moment later he sighed. "Yeah."
As they watched, Scout leaned forward for another body shot among the sound of catcalls and laughter. Overhead the sun was very bright, throwing a dappled net of light across the clear blue water.
***
New York: David's room
Bella was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, when she heard the door open. She bit her lip, staring at her reflection. After seeing him downstairs with Lydia, it seemed as though all the things she had to say just dried up and went away at once.
She was still staring at herself in the mirror when she caught sight of the person behind her. It wasn't David, as she had expected, but Lydia herself, walking into the doorway of the bathroom and leaning against the frame, scrutinising her coolly.
"Hey," Bella said, hoping that her voice was even. "Morning."
"Morning," Lydia replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "David's on his way up. He's bringing donuts, I hope you're hungry."
"Oh," Bella said, putting down her mascara wand and turning around. "Yeah. Thanks."
"Anyway, I just wanted to come talk to you before he gets here," Lydia said, folding her arms across her chest. "Can we?"
"Um, sure," Bella murmured, making her way out of the bathroom and sitting down on the bed. She gestured for Lydia to do the same. "What's this about?"
Lydia remained standing. "Listen," she said. "I know it's none of my business, but� David sort of told me what happened between you two last night and, like, I just wanted to talk to you about it�"
Bella stiffened. "You're right," she said quietly. "It is none of your business."
"Listen," Lydia said, standing up a little straighter. "He's my friend, okay? I care about him. And when something's going wrong for him, I care about that too. I just want to help."
"I bet you do," Bella said, looking away. She could feel Lydia's dark eyes on her, intense as though she were looking right through Bella and noticing something that even Bella herself could not know.
"Look," Lydia said after a moment of strained silence. "I'm not gonna lie about it. You think I'm jealous? You're right. I am jealous. We went out for a long time and yeah, maybe I still have feelings for him."
"Well, it's very nice of you to share that piece of information," Bella said coolly, standing up again and walking toward the window. "Is that what you came here to say? That you want him back?"
"I just want to see him happy."
"And I'm not making him happy, is that it? It's generous of you to make that decision. I mean, I thought that was something that the two of us did, you know? The people that are actually in this relationship? But what the hell, jump right in."
"Stop being so goddamn defensive for one minute, would you?" Lydia exclaimed, exasperated. "Look, I didn't come here to pick a fight. I just wanted� god, I don't know what I expected. I just want you to treat him right."
"You know," Bella couldn't help an incredulous laugh. "You have a lot of nerve coming in here telling me that I should treat my boyfriend right. You're not going out anymore, so as far as I'm concerned I really can't see how it's any of your business."
"He's my friend," Lydia said, her voice low. "My best friend. That makes it my business."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Bella threw up her hands. "It's your business. So you tell me this: I say I love him, he freaks out, and somehow that's my fault? Fine, lay it all on me, never mind it's the fact that he's the one who seems to be having commitment issues and yet I'm the one who isn't treating him right? I'm the one with the problem?"
"You are if you didn't mean it."
Bella's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me," Lydia said softly, staring at her. "Why do you think he freaked out? Do you really think it's because he doesn't care for you? Do you really think that's what the problem is? It's you, Bella. It's you trying to make him into something he's not. It's you telling him you love him when� god, I don't know. I don't know what goes through your head."
"How dare you?" Bella exclaimed. "You have no idea what I feel�"
"Oh, please," Lydia interrupted, her eyes flashing. "It's obvious. And maybe I'm not the most objective judge of character but it's always been clear. You don't love him. You say you do but that's just words, it doesn't mean anything and you don't think he knows it but he does�"
"And he said that to you, did he?"
"As a matter of fact, he did." Lydia looked away. Bella could have sworn she saw a blush starting to crawl up her cheek. "He's confused, Bella. He really likes you but� he knows what you're saying to him, the stuff that's been happening� it doesn't feel right. It's like you're trying to make yourself feel something you don't."
"Oh my god," Bella murmured, stunned. "Does he tell you everything that happens between us?"
"No, of course not. But I can read between the lines."
"This is too much," Bella muttered, pulling her hair back with both hands. "God, I just can't handle this. I can't handle all of David's bullshit and I can't handle you coming in to confront me about it and I can't handle the fact that my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me but would talk to you about everything that's going on in our relationship so�" she looked around frantically, grabbing her bag from the foot of the bed. "Since you're so close to him, why don't you tell him I've gone home. Tell him I'll talk to him later when I finally figure out all this college-guy psychosis. Tell him� whatever. I don't care."
"Bella," Lydia said, sighing. "Wait�"
But Bella was already out the door.
***
New Rawley: Jake's room
The curtains were drawn against the mid-afternoon sunlight, and Jake was sprawled across her bed, fast asleep.
"Wha�" she muttered groggily as the ringing of her cell phone jerked her awake. Mentally berating herself for not remembering to turn it off, it took a solid minute for her to find it in the darkness, fuzzy with sleep. Flipping it open, she mumbled an incoherent greeting into the mouthpiece.
"Yeah, hey," she stifled a yawn. "Sorry. I was asleep."
"It's three in the afternoon."
"I stayed up late."
"Oh, okay. Hey, I just called to� um, well, to apologise. I know I freaked out last night."
She flopped back down onto the bed, closed her eyes and didn't reply.
"I'm just�" his voice was scratchy over the line as he sighed. "I guess I�m just a little jealous of Spencer."
"You think?" she couldn't hide the sarcasm. "Hamilton, there's nothing going on. I don't know how many times I can say it to make you believe it."
"I know, I know, and I'm not saying that there is something going on. It's just that you guys are hanging out so much lately, and he knows so much about the stuff that you like that I don't�"
"Hamilton, you know me. Better than anyone."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," she said with a small smile, rubbing a hand over her face. "So stop worrying. I haven't slept all night and I feel half-dead, so I'll call you later, okay?"
"Where've you been?" His voice was light, but she thought she could detect a tiny edge to his tone, caught somewhere between curiosity and something less innocuous.
"Just� out," she said carefully, opening her eyes again. The room was very dark; she could barely see the ceiling.
"All night? With who?"
"Listen, Hamilton," she said, sitting up, her weariness suddenly forgotten. "What are you trying to say? Don't you trust me?"
"No, Jake," he said quickly, his voice softening. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to� I guess I'm just going a little crazy here. There's no one to talk to. I get lonely and then I think about you back at home and� I just wish I could be with you. I miss you."
She bit her lip. "I miss you too."
"So, uh, I better let you go back to sleep," he said, chuckling self-consciously. "I call you later. I love you."
"I love you," she said vacantly, getting to her feet.
He clicked off. She looked at the phone for a moment and set it down on the bed, making her way toward the window. Separating the curtains with one hand, she flinched against the streak of sunlight that flickered into the room and, shielding her eyes with her other hand, looked out.
Elm Street stretched below her, quaint and deserted as usual. The expanse of sky overhead was unexpectedly blue, and the trees were still. She rested her forehead against the window, closing her eyes.
An image of Hamilton pulsed behind her eyelids, smudged around the edges. But there was another face also. It was like comparing a photograph to a watercolour approximation; even as she tried to hold onto Hamilton's grin she could feel the other picture growing clearer, floating to the surface of her mind, until Hamilton's face faded away altogether.
It was with a sense of foreboding that she saw Spencer clearly in her mind's eye, turning to her with a smile, his hair touched with the red-gold of sunrise.
Part Five
New York
Bella wasn't sure what she was expecting as she made her way to the bus station, treading tiredly in the late afternoon light. It seemed like it was the wrong ending; it certainly wasn't the one she had planned. As she boarded the bus and waited she kept glancing outside, semi-expectant.
It wasn't until they started pulling out of the station that she realised, with a sharp pang of disappointment, that she had thought David would turn up. Her own understated superhero, swooping in to say just the right things at just the right time. But as she looked out the window, all she saw was the receding scenery, nothing else.
***
New Rawley
Jake knocked on the door to the gas station, peering through the windows. The afternoon sun shone from an oblique angle, rendering her unable to see past her own reflection. "Hello?" she called, knocking again. "Anyone home? Bella?"
Nobody answered. Sighing, she turned around and walked out onto the street, slipping her sunglasses back on as she headed toward the diner.
"Oh, come on," she muttered as she saw the 'closed' sign on the door. There was a note accompanying the sign, stating that there was to be a private function. "Private function at Friendly's," she muttered, turning around again. "The height of elegance."
"Talking to yourself again, Pratt?"
The sound of Spencer's voice made her jump. "Uh, hi," she stammered, looking up, feeling a gush of resentment toward herself as she did so, because she could already feel her cheeks flood with heat.
He was leaning against a lamppost, clad in his usual worn jeans and leather jacket, looking, as was his wont, vaguely amused. "First time I could ever remember," he said, nodding toward the diner, "that Friendly's is closed on an afternoon."
"'Private function', apparently," she said with a self-conscious grin, making air quotes. Tucking her hands into the pockets of her own leather jacket, she shuffled her feet, unsure whether to walk closer or to stay put.
"How extremely classy," he laughed. "So� what are you doing now? Caught up on sleep?"
"Yeah," she murmured, glancing at him. Their eyes met, and she could feel her cheeks growing red again. Hurriedly, she looked away. "I wanted to catch up with Bella, but I guess she's not back from her trip."
"That means you've got some time to kill, right? And since our usual hang-out has let us down today, what do you say we go back to my house and try NASA again?"
"I� um," she stole another glance at him. He was still looking at her, amusement still evident in his gaze. She swallowed. "I don't think so."
"All right, not NASA. You know, I always wanted to try the Department of Internal Defence. Do you think we could get anywhere near the nuclear warhead release codes? Because that'd be so cool. I mean, I know it's a gigantic long shot, but we should at least try, right?"
"No, I mean," she swallowed again. "I don't think I can, uh, hang out right now."
He raised an eyebrow. "Because you're so busy hanging out in the closed diner and talking to your friend who isn't here?"
She shrugged, unable to look at him. There was a tug in her chest, a persistent sensation that urged her to look up and into his eyes, to follow him to his house and all the rest of it, but she pushed the thought away. It didn't bear thinking about.
"Okay�" he said slowly, for once looking like he wasn't in full control of the situation. If anything, he looked a little hurt. "Um, I guess I'll see you later."
"Spencer," she said softly, watching him starting to walk away. "I'm just feeling weird today. I'm not, like, mad at you or anything."
He stopped, turning around and giving her a small smile. "That's good to know. I'll see you later, Jacqueline."
She nodded, mutely watching him walk down the street. Sighing, she pressed a hand over her forehead, trying to clear it of all the thoughts she couldn't yet face.
"You okay?"
The sudden voice behind her made her jump again. "Jesus," she exclaimed as she turned around. "Pagan? What are you doing here?"
"I was in there," Pagan Leigh gestured over his shoulder at the empty diner, shielding his eyes with one hand.
"It's closed."
"I know, it's my private function." He looked like he was trying to hide his embarrassment. "I know, it's lame. It's just today's Grace's birthday and I wanted to do something special."
"That's nice of you."
"Yeah, well," he looked down at his feet, then back up again, looking concerned. "Hey, are you all right? You seem a little� down."
"I'm okay," she said automatically, averting her eyes.
He looked at a loss as to what to say next. They stood there for a few moments, silent, though as not uncomfortable as she would have imagined.
"Listen," he said at length. "I don't pretend to understand what you guys are going through. I didn't really know Faye, and it makes me guilty to think of all you guys being so affected while I�m just here, doing all these ordinary things�"
"It's not," she interrupted him. "It's not that. I mean, yeah, of course we still think about her, but�" she shook her head. "I was thinking about something else. God, now I feel guilty. I haven't thought about her in a while. It's so weird that you can just do that."
"I guess it's how we deal."
"Yeah," she murmured. "I guess so."
"So if it's not Faye, then�?"
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Okay."
"It's not that I don't want to talk to you," she said hurriedly. "I mean, it's just one of those things that I� talk to my girlfriends about, you know? But it's nice of you to ask."
He grinned. "Gotcha. Listen, I gotta get back inside. Got some more preparations to make."
"There's Bella," she said, looking toward the bus stop on the corner of the street. Bella had just emerged from the bus pulling away. "Have fun with your 'private event'."
He chuckled and ducked back inside the diner. Jake set off toward Bella who, looking up, gave Jake a small wave, a sad smile spreading across her face.
***
Rawley Academy: Ryder's room
"Do you ever think about the future?" Josh asked quietly, staring out the window.
He and Ryder were sitting at the head of the bed. One of Ryder's legs was hanging down the side, and one of Josh's arms was pressed uncomfortably against Ryder's ribs, his head resting on Ryder's shoulder. Only a few weeks ago he would have never dreamed they could be sitting like this, without a trace of discomfort or one of them hurriedly making excuses to leave, trying to avoid the situation, the inevitable tension. It felt like a truism to think of it as two different times completely, the before and the after, like two empty boxes separated by a black curtain. But there was no other way to put it.
"What was that?"
Josh stirred. He had almost forgotten that he had asked the question. Ryder was looking down at him, his brow furrowed.
"Do you think about the future?" Josh repeated, feeling foolish now that he had Ryder's full attention. "I mean, what we're doing after high school. Where we'll go. Or even if�" he shrugged. "Or even if you plan to� go somewhere else."
"Somewhere else� by myself?"
Josh shrugged. "Yeah, well, we haven't talked about it, have we?"
"I thought we were beyond that."
"What does that mean?"
"I mean," Josh could feel Ryder's hold tighten. "I thought it was obvious that wherever we go, we'd go together."
"Good," Josh whispered, turning back toward the window. "I just need to hear you say that."
Ryder chuckled, shaking his head. " I might as well be dating a girl if you keep this up."
"I'm sorry." Josh couldn't help laughing. "I know I'm�" he paused, shrugging again. "I just get worried, you know. About life after high school. After Rawley."
"We'll be okay," Ryder said, his tone surprisingly assured.
Josh nodded. A moment later he looked up again, grinning. "Dating?"
Ryder raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"You said you might as well be dating a girl. We're dating now?"
Ryder laughed. "Don't be a smartarse. What did you want me to say?"
"I dunno. I like it. Dating." Josh chuckled softly. "You know that means we're actually going to have to go out on a date sometime."
He could feel Ryder shift, a little uncomfortably. "Yeah."
"Or not, whatever," Josh said quickly. "This is new, I get that. I mean, it's new for you."
"It's not�" Ryder began, and sighed. "I'm not embarrassed. I want this."
"I know," Josh said, falling silent.
Ryder didn't speak for a long time. Removing his arm from Josh's shoulder, he busied himself by lighting up again, swinging his legs over the side of the bed until he was sitting with his back to Josh, elbows resting on his knees, head down, intently studying the cigarette between his fingers.
Josh watched him, the way the afternoon light washed over him, defined his shoulders, the straight slim back, the shorn hair. And even though deep inside him he knew there was really nothing much to worry about � Ryder had already taken the step, made the leap into the void, his eyes clenched shut, but he did it nonetheless and that was the thing that mattered � Josh couldn't help the tendril of anxiety that continued to clutch at him, the thought that something must go wrong, reduce this flimsy haven they've created back into rubble, into nothing again.
"Ryder," he began, biting his lip.
"I need some time, Joshua," Ryder said quietly, not looking at him.
The bottom dropped out of Josh's stomach. "Some time," he murmured, stunned. "As in� away from me? But I thought�"
"What?" Ryder turned around, looking first shocked then, after a moment, simultaneously relieved and amused. "No, that's not what I meant." He closed a hand over Josh's own. "God," he murmured. "You're so�"
"Jumpy?" Josh supplied for him, with a shaky smile. "Always worrying about the worst? Like a girl?"
Ryder raised his eyes to Josh's and, without another word, leaned in to kiss him. Josh let his eyes fall closed, swallowing the lump that had inadvertently risen in his throat.
"I'm sorry for this," Ryder whispered against his lips, raising a hand to touch his cheek, gingerly, as though Josh were made of glass. "I know it's my fault that you feel like you can't trust me. I don't know how I can make you believe me now."
"I do trust you," Josh whispered back, kissing him again. "Just," he couldn't help a wry smile. "It's conditioning, I guess."
"I suppose it's up to me to help you break the habit," Ryder said, pulling back. He balanced his cigarette, only half-smoked, carefully on the side of the ashtray on the bedside table. "What I meant was," he said, looking thoughtful again. "I don't want to screw it up, Joshua. I want this. I can't remember the last time I wanted something this much and I'm not going to screw it up � screw us up. Bloody hell," he said, shaking his head. "I can't believe that just came out of my mouth."
"Welcome to the world of normal people," Josh chuckled. "And normal relationships. Think you can handle it?"
"I'm not the only one who's had trouble with 'normal relationships', you know."
"Touch�," Josh admitted sheepishly. "Okay, so we both need work and we should both take it slow. We can do that."
"So you're okay with keeping this to ourselves?" Ryder asked, looking worried. "For now, I mean? I just need the time to get used to� everything."
"And somehow I get the reputation as the sappy, girly one," Josh teased, unable to help another grin. Seeing Ryder scowl, he laughed and planted a kiss on Ryder's temple. "I'm just glad to have you here. You don't need to do anything else."
Ryder kissed him back, on the lips. "Thank god for that."
***
The gas station
"Boyfriends," Bella spat the word out as she tossed her overnight bag somewhere deep into the bowels of the front counter and slumped down on the couch. "Why do we bother?"
Jake slumped down next to her. "It's a mystery."
"They only make our lives miserable."
"Amen, sister."
"I told David I loved him," Bella said after a pause.
"Whoa." Jake sat up. "Bold move. What did he say?"
"He said," Bella couldn't help a wry laugh. "He said 'do you?' and then went to sleep on the couch."
"Ouch," Jake looked incredulous. "And, hold on. What do you mean 'went to sleep on the couch?' Was he supposed to sleep somewhere else?"
Bella swallowed, looking away. "The last time he was here, we kind of�"
Jake raised her eyebrows expectantly, looking like she couldn't quite believe what's coming out of Bella's mouth, even though by all logic it should have been obvious.
"Yeah," Bella bit her lower lip. "We kinda� did it."
"Oh my god," Jake sounded like she was in the middle of a revelation. "This is huge. Why didn't you tell me?"
"There were just so many things going on," Bella said quietly. She had expected Jake's shock, but her own astonishment took her by surprise. There it was, an ice-cold jolt through her system, as she realised how much that simply talking about it wearied her; how much she didn't want to make it a big deal.
"Yeah, I guess, but�"
"Well, we did it," Bella said, a little brusquely. She didn't look over but she could feel the surprise radiating from Jake. Thankfully, Jake didn't say anything.
"Anyway," Bella continued, doing her best to ignore the tense silence, "this morning Lydia � you remember her, she was the girl they used in the Amnesia video, and who, I might add, I found out was his ex-girlfriend only last night � this morning she comes to me and she completely lays into me about how I'm not treating him right, as though she had any say in this. And you know what bites? She knows what's going on between me and David. I think he tells her everything."
"So� what did you do?"
"I left."
"You didn't talk to him?"
"What would I say?" Bella murmured, throwing her head back and closing her eyes. "I just got out of there as fast as I could."
"So what does that mean for you two?" Jake asked slowly. "This is all news to me. No offence, but it's like catching only every other episode of a soap opera."
"God, I don't know. I'll call him later, I guess." Bella opened her eyes again, tucking her legs up. "I don't even want to think about it. Let's not talk about it anymore."
Jake nodded, looking out the window across the road. She could see Pagan inside the diner, busy putting up what looked like a string of Christmas lights. She couldn't help a smile, and there was a surge of wistfulness and jealousy welling up in equal measures. She didn't fully understand how Pagan and Grace fit � they seemed like the last two people on earth who'd ever find anything in common � but all the same they seemed to coming together in front of everybody's eyes, and Jake was, she admitted to herself, unabashedly jealous of that. She missed the simplicity of the blossoming romance, the period of time when the world seemed to consist of the two of them and no one else. No complications.
"Earth to Jake," Bella was waving a hand in front of her face. "Hey. You're ten thousand miles away."
"Sorry," Jake said, snapping out of her reverie. "What did you say?"
"I asked what's the deal with you and Hamilton? What's going on?"
Jake looked down at her hands. "Things just haven't been the same since�"
"Since Faye," Bella said quietly. "I know. It's the same for me."
"No," Jake said thoughtfully. "I think it was even before that. Maybe since I left Rawley."
"You think you guys are growing apart because you're not spending enough time together?"
Jake shook her head slowly. "I think it's the other way round. He's so determined to try and spend time with me. And especially after� after Faye, it feels like he's always here, trying to be with me, trying to talk to me� and sometimes I just don't want that, you know? I don't wanna talk all the time. I just need to keep on going. And he doesn't understand that."
"If that's the way you feel, then I guess it's a good thing he's in Vermont. When does he come back?"
"In a week." Jake paused, contemplating whether to say more. "Bella," she began, before she stopped again, chewing on the inside of her cheek.
"Yeah?"
Jake closed her eyes briefly. "I'm scared."
"What? Why?"
Jake found herself fumbling for the words. There was an idea in the back of her mind, one that had implanted itself sometime over the last few months without her realising it, and still now she didn't think herself capable of understanding it. The words, when they came out, felt vaguely alien, like she couldn't possibly be the one saying them.
"I've been spending a lot of time with Spencer," she murmured. "Hamilton isn't too happy about it. But I just needed that time away from him, you know? And Spencer� he gets that. I feel like I can just be myself when we're hanging out."
"And you can't�" Bella sounded she was trying hard not to jump to conclusions. "You can't be yourself when you're with Hamilton?"
"It's different," Jake said, averting her eyes. "Hamilton tries so hard to protect me. And� I get tired of that. He should know by now that it's not what I want."
Bella exhaled slowly. "And Spencer?"
Jake didn't answer for a long time, staring down at her hands. She was wearing nail polish today, her favourite shade of Barely Pink, the varnish translucent on the tips of her slim fingers.
"I like him," she said finally, her voice low.
"You mean�"
"Yeah," Jake said quickly, not looking up. "I mean, I love Hamilton. That's never gonna change. But it doesn't change the fact that I like Spencer. I don't know when it happened. I don't know what it means."
Bella stared at her, looking at a complete loss.
"I don't want things to change," Jake said sadly. She looked down and, to her surprise, found that she had clenched her fists together, her nails digging into the palms. "Me and Hamilton, we're supposed to last. And nothing has changed between us � I still love him, and he still loves me. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do. But� it feels good when I'm with Spencer. I miss that feeling."
"Oh, Jake," Bella finally said, sounding like she was holding back a sigh.
"When did things get so complicated?" Jake murmured, resting her head on Bella's shoulder. To her surprise she could feel a pinching sensation behind her eyes, and she found herself slowly blinking back tears.
"I don't know," Bella said softly. "I really don't know."
***
The diner
"Hello?" Grace called uncertainly, knocking on the door of the diner and peering inside. "Pagan?"
The blinds were drawn against the glass, and the setting sun cast her reflection back at her, looking tired and sallow. She had spent the afternoon aimlessly wandering through the shops on Main Street, even though she had been through all these places at least ten thousand times. Still, it seemed preferable to the empty house.
Pagan had only called her a few minutes ago with a mysterious invitation to the diner. She had walked over gladly, happy that finally something seemed to be going right with the day, but as she looked down at the 'closed' sign on the door she wondered if that, too, was yet another disappointing chapter in a day that had turned out to be full of disappointments.
Just as she was about to turn and leave, however, the door flew open. "Hey!" Pagan exclaimed, grabbing her by the wrist and tugging her through.
It took her eyes a moment to adjust. But when she took in the sight before her, she couldn't help gasping, her hands flying to her mouth.
Christmas lights were strung up all over the walls, and there were candles: one on each booth, some more lined up along the counter, each stuck to the top of an individual cupcake, the tiny flames flickering with the breeze coming through the open door. There was a gigantic ice-cream cake, and � "Of course," she giggled � an equally gigantic plate of French fries, with the de rigeur bowl of butterscotch sauce on the side.
"Happy birthday," Pagan said shyly, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"Pagan," she said, and intended to say more, had she not found a huge lump welling in her throat that immediately thwarted that plan. She could only gaze around in wonder: the lights, the candles, the clumsy spread. The air felt soft and yielding, like warm water.
"I know it's kinda corny, but I wanted to do something special for your birthday and this was the best that I could come up with," he shrugged self-consciously. "I'll do something better next time, I promise. The plan seemed cooler in my head�"
She looked at him, her eyes bright. "It's wonderful."
"Oh," he said, looking pleased. "You're not just saying that? I was afraid you'd think it's totally lame. Hey, look," he made a sweeping gesture. "Sixteen cupcakes. I did the maths."
"I noticed," she giggled, blinking back tears that seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Pagan, this is amazing. It's� it's just�"
"It's nothing," he said, embarrassed. "I bet your family did way cooler things. Charlie�"
"He forgot."
He blinked. "He forgot today's your birthday?"
"And so did Bella. Kind and loving family my ass. My life has been turned into real-life Sixteen Candles. God," she groaned. "I think that makes me Molly Ringwald."
"Oh wow. I'm sorry."
"But this makes up for it," she murmured. "I don't even know what to say. It's the sweetest thing anyone's done for me."
"Yeah?" He took a tentative step toward her, a smile breaking over his face.
"Yeah," she replied, her voice equally soft. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He took another step, closing the distance between them. A little nervously, he reached over to take one of her hands in his. "So�"
"So," she said, peering up at him from beneath her lashes.
"Grace!"
They sprang apart just as Charlie burst in through the diner door. "Oh god, baby," he panted, striding up to them. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I was at the car show and I suddenly remembered and I drove back as quickly as I could and I'm so sorry for forgetting�"
"It's okay, dad," she said, smiling. "Really."
"No, it's not okay," he exclaimed, shaking his head furiously. "And you were trying to remind me this morning and I was too stupid to realise� when I came back you weren't at home and I saw you through the door and� huh." Charlie paused, looking around as he took in the surroundings for the first time since he got here.
"No, seriously, dad, it's okay. You forgot, it's no big deal." To be honest Grace wasn't sure where her sudden forgiving mood came from. She sneaked a look at Pagan, who was blushing, looking as though he didn't know where to put his hands.
"Wow," Charlie breathed, his roving gaze finally coming to a stop on Pagan. "Did you do all this, son?"
Pagan lowered his head, red to the tips of his ears. "I just wanted to do something nice."
"It's beyond nice of you, Pagan," Charlie said warmly, patting him on the back. "Thank you. This kinda takes a little bit of heat off me, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah," Grace echoed, her eyes sparkling. "Thank you, Pagan."
He looked back at her, his cheeks once again flooding with colour. "You're welcome."
"Well? What are we waiting for?" Charlie boomed happily. "Bella and Jake are over at the house. Let's invite them over and have ourselves a party."
***
Greenwich: Scout's house
The party had lasted well into the night. By the time the last guest had left, the pool was nearly unrecognisable as such. Wet towels and discarded clothing lay all about the patio, some floating in the pool itself; snacks were spilled, glasses were broken, chairs lay overturned. Will had certainly been to parties before, but there was an edge of abandonment to this one that had set it apart. It was the sort of damage, he supposed, that could only have come from people who grew up never needing to clean up after themselves.
"You guys are staying for the night?" Scout asked, looking over his shoulder. As the day wore on he had only seemed to grow more abandoned, downing pina coladas � and later vodka martinis � with increasing frequency. Sometime during the day Will saw him disappear into the house with one of the girls he had been doing body shots from, and they did not emerge until a couple of hours later. Will had wanted to go after them, and would have, if it weren't for Maria holding him back. But she kept a tight rein on him, her expression sage but troubled, telling him to leave Scout alone until a proper opportunity presented itself. Will wasn't sure when she had become his voice of reason, but he was oddly glad for it.
"I'll have Rosa make up a couple of spare bedrooms for you," Scout said before he paused, with a slightly lascivious grin. "Unless you guys are sharing?"
"What?" Will exclaimed, startled. "Uh, no. No. Definitely not."
Maria shot him an amused look, but didn't say anything. "Where are your parents, Scout?" she asked instead, watching him pull on a V-neck sweater that somebody had left draping over one of the chaises longue.
"Dad's away on state business, as usual. Not that he lives here anymore, anyway." Scout picked his way through the debris and into the hallway. The others followed. "Mom's on a spa weekend."
"I thought she was going to be staying with you," Maria said carefully, glancing at Will.
"Yeah, she was. This weekend was booked months in advance. She didn't wanna go, but I told her to."
Scout's voice was light, but Will thought he could detect something else in it, down deep where it could not hope to touch the surface. "So you're alone in the house?" Will asked tentatively, taking a step forward.
"I wouldn't call this blowout 'being alone', exactly," Scout grinned. "Hey listen, I'm kinda beat, guys. I'll get Rosa to show you to your rooms and we'll talk in the morning, all right?" Without waiting for an answer he strode off in the direction of the east wing, leaving Will and Maria staring after him.
"Well," she said after a pause. "If you wanna talk to him, he's finally alone."
"I don't know if I can do this," Will said quietly. "This isn't Scout. I don't even know this guy."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
He exhaled heavily. "I think this is something I better handle alone."
She nodded, patting him on the arm. "I'll go find Rosa and figure out the sleeping situation. Good luck."
He nodded back and, without looking at her, stepped toward the hallway into the east wing, following the sound of Scout's footfalls.
A couple of turns, and he found himself in the parlour. Even though the weather was unseasonably warm, there was a fire burning in the fireplace, the only source of light in the room. Scout was standing right beside the grate, staring down into the flames, a glass of amber liquid in his hand. He didn't look up as Will entered.
"I doubt that's ginger ale," Will said lightly, gesturing at Scout's drink.
"You're not wrong," Scout said, and as Will watched he downed what was left in one gulp. "Want some?" Scout asked, turning toward the mini bar in the corner. The heavy crystal decanter shook against the glass as he lifted it and poured himself another, the bright, brittle sound clattering through the silence.
"No thanks," Will said, walking up to the fireplace.
"More for me," Scout said, joining him by the mantel. "Well, this is my humble abode," he said, with a slight grin. "What do you think?"
"Very Billy Madison," Will said with a forced smile. "Coming to think of it, maybe more along the lines of Bret Easton Ellis."
"A bunch of bored rich kids and a lot of debauchery? Sums it up."
"What are you doing, Scout?" Will asked quietly, balling his hand inside his pocket.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb with me."
"I'm just catching up with friends." Scout took another sip of the brandy. His expression didn't change.
"It looks like you're trying to drink yourself to death."
"It's Spring Break, man. It's what people do."
"Not you, man. Not at a time like this. You've been shutting everybody out and none of us know what to do and today I come here, not knowing what I'll find, but I didn't expect to see�"
"Why are you here, Will?" Scout interrupted. Will could see his grip tightening on the glass.
"Because I'm worried about you. We all are. We've been trying to call but you never pick up, and�" Will paused, sighing. "And I needed to talk to you about something."
Scout smiled, though he did not look up and the smile didn't reach his eyes. "What is it?"
"I didn't wanna bring it up like this," Will sighed. "I�"
"Just spit it out, Will."
Will sighed again. "I got offered a summer internship at the New York Times."
"So? Take it."
"You know the space wouldn't have been mine if�"
"If what, Will?"
"Scout, you know."
Scout looked up, a steely light glistening behind his eyes. "No," he said calmly. "I don't. So why don't you tell me."
"It's Faye's spot," Will said, forcing the words out. He couldn't meet Scout's gaze. "I wouldn't have been offered if she� if she were there to take it."
"Yeah, so. What does that have to do with me?"
Will glanced up. Scout was still wearing that impenetrable expression.
"I wanted to see if you were okay with it."
"Why wouldn't I be okay with it? It's got nothing to do with me."
"Damn it, Scout!" Will exclaimed, finally losing his composure. "What the hell is wrong with you? Of course it has something to do with you! She was your girlfriend, for god's sake! And she's dead! And you're acting like� like� you don't even care, like you didn't notice!"
Scout only looked at him.
"I'm not stupid," Will continued, clenching his fists. "I know it's something you're going through, I know it's hard for you to deal and you're trying to stop yourself from feeling anything but it's not right. We want to help but you just keep pushing us away and we don't know what to do about you and we can't stand seeing you this way. It's not right, Scout. Talk to us."
To his shock, Scout smiled at him. A sweet, innocent smile, devoid of emotion. "You're tired, Will," he said simply. "Go get some sleep."
"I don't want to sleep!" Will shouted, grabbing Scout by the arm. "God, just stop it!"
Scout shook free of his grasp, his smile wavering. "I don't care if you take the job or not," he said, turning to the fire. "So just take it. I don't give a damn."
"It's more than just that�"
"It's what you came for, right? All right, you have my blessing, whatever, so go. Leave me alone."
"I'm not gonna leave you alone! Not when you're like this! I'm your best friend, man! Talk to me!"
Abruptly, Scout threw his brandy glass into the fireplace. There was a smash, surprisingly loud, and just for a moment a fireball mushroomed from the grate, glowing as bright as a dying star and carrying with it a wave of scorching heat, sending Will staggering back.
"Is talking gonna bring her back?" Scout asked, not looking at Will. He hadn't moved; the fireball had subsided as quickly as it had flared, and it was as though Scout hadn't even noticed. If it weren't for the absence of the glass in his hand, Will might have assumed that he hadn't done anything at all.
"Shit, man, what the hell?" Will exclaimed, springing forward.
"I said," Scout repeated, his voice low. "Would talking bring her back?"
Will swallowed. "N� no. But it would�"
"Then I have nothing else to say. Good night, Will."
With that, Scout turned and strode out of the parlour, leaving Will staring after him.
Part Six
Rawley Academy: Ryder's room
The night had slowly faded. Through the crack in the curtains Ryder watched the sun's soft encroaching glow, slowly ascending from Rawley Lake. Josh's head was resting on his shoulder, and despite the uncomfortable position he was fast asleep. Ryder's arm had long lost all feeling, but he found that he didn't mind it so much. He turned back to the lake.
There was still the tendency, when thoughts of her arose, to simply brush them out of the way. To erect a wall between the idea and the emotion, to make himself smooth and rigid and unyielding. But the hurt remained, like a thin needle, persistently working away at this constructed blankness until he couldn't help but give into the weight of it, and then there would be that horrible black emptiness again. He would have been lost in it long ago if it weren't for Josh holding him back.
And it was an odd thing, to be so miserable and so happy at the same time, consumed by the endless little shocks that come, hour after hour, realising that she was no longer here. Then he would turn around, and Josh would be lying here, in his bed, fingers linked through his, and it was a sense of relief and safety that he had never known. He felt like his heart could burst, or break, or both, probably at the same time.
He could feel Josh stirring. A little bit of feeling came back into the numb arm, the stifled sensation right before pins and needles set in. He shifted, kissing the top of Josh's head.
"Hey," Josh murmured sleepily, half-opening his eyes. "You're awake."
"Not tired," Ryder said, turning toward him. He wanted to say something � when he was sitting there thinking it seemed so obvious, so right, to tell Josh the importance that the two of them were here, and despite everything they had the possibility of happiness stretched out in front of them, like a beckoning hand. But now he couldn't find the words. He supposed that wasn't entirely surprising; he never had a need for words like these.
"Ryder?"
Josh's voice was soft, tempered with sleep. He looked up at Ryder, still warm and dozy, a smile hanging from his lips.
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
And suddenly the words made sense to him. All the things that he had wanted to say only boiled down to this.
"I love you too," he said, and Josh smiled back at him, and that was enough.
***
Greenwich: Scout's house
Will and Maria didn't say much to each other as they finished the breakfast that Rosa had prepared. Scout hadn't come out of his room, and the house was eerily silent.
"Do you want to try talking to him again?" Maria asked, spreading jam on a toasted bagel.
Will shook his head mutely. Despite this being the most delicious-looking breakfast he's seen in a long time, he found that he had absolutely zero appetite. "There's nothing I can say," he said, pushing his eggs around with a fork.
"I can't believe his mom just deserted him to go to a spa weekend."
"Yeah? Who can blame her? I bet she tried as much as we have." He set down the fork with a clatter. "I wouldn't mind a spa weekend after last night. It's like banging your head against a brick wall."
"So what are we gonna do? Just leave him here? I thought you were the one who was so against leaving him to the partying and the girls."
"It's not like we can tie him up and drag him back to Rawley with us."
"That's true," she mused, nibbling on the bagel. "And it's not like things are better for him at Rawley."
"I just wish I knew what to do. What to say to him. If we ever needed a magic password, it's now. I just want to get through to him."
"I guess he's not ready for that," she said, sliding down from the counter booth. "Come on, we better go. We're gonna be late for the train."
"I suppose we should say goodbye to him," he said glumly, picking his bag up from the floor.
When they got to Scout's room, they found the door ajar. It was mid-morning but the room was pitch-black; heavy drapes had been dragged across all windows, locking daylight out.
"Scout?" Maria asked, pushing the door open a little further and peering into the darkness.
Over her shoulder Will could just make out the faint outline of a four-poster bed, the dark form lying on it. "Scout," he said. "The train's leaving in fifteen minutes, so� I guess we'll see you back at school."
"Yeah," Scout's voice issued from the darkness, as blank as usual. He didn't sound sleepy, however; when Will looked hard enough he thought he could see a faint sliver of light reflecting from Scout's open eyes.
"Well," Maria said uncertainly, stepping away from the door. "Bye."
Will was about to follow when Scout spoke again, his voice emanating from the darkness like that of a disembodied spirit.
"Will," he said. "Take the job."
*Mark Geary's 'All for Nothing' plays*
Will paused at the door. Suddenly he found that there was a lump in his throat, hindering his ability to speak. He nodded vigorously, blinking back the tears that seemed to come from nowhere.
Scout was silent after that. It seemed like it had taken all his energy to say those words, and the silence seemed palpable, like a lead weight, all its atoms dissolved into the atmosphere around them, making the air itself seem thick and suffocating.
"I will," Will finally choked out, clearing his throat. "Take care, man."
Scout didn't reply as Will walked away from the door.
*Will's voiceover begins*
'Some people say that ghosts really exist, that they walk among us and we can feel their presence. Some people say it's just wishful thinking, a way of projecting our grief. To me, it's clear that ghosts do exist. But they're not the spirits of the dead. We are the ghosts, the ones who are left behind. We try to move on and we try to forget, in the only ways that we know how. We become ghosts in our own lives, insignificant, unable to communicate with anyone about anything that truly matters. I don't know how to make it stop, how to make things all right again. I can only hope that it won't last forever.'
I'm late, I'm late, I always seem to be
A step behind, the sand's too quick for me
Go on, go on, but lay the blame on me
What's worse, this hurt is there for all to see...
Around here, it's all for nothing
***
New Rawley
Bella looked out the window of the gas station. Pagan and Grace were just emerging from the diner, and she was laughing at something that he had said. They looked at ease, comfortable, and most of all happy. Bella could feel a painful tug in her chest as she watched them, reminiscent of the feeling as the bus pulled out of the station and David, for once, had been nowhere in sight.
Slowly she walked over to the counter and picked up the phone. Taking a deep breath, she began to dial.
***
Inside her room on Elm Street, Jake sat cross-legged on her bed. Reaching over to her bedside table, where a framed picture stood, she gently ran her finger down its side.
It was a picture of Hamilton and herself, still in costume after the final night of the Shakespearean production. He was wearing Mercutio's bloodstained purple shirt, and both of them looked like kewpie dolls from the garish stage make-up. But they were grinning at each other, his arm wrapped snugly around her waist. It didn't seem to make sense that this picture could have been taken less than a year ago. It didn't make sense that life could move on and change, so completely, over the course of these turbulent months.
Her gaze swept over the cell phone by the picture and, after a moment's hesitation, she picked it up and began to dial.
I'm lost, I've lost the things I held as true
The dreams I dreamed, it's a trick they play on fools
I've got a weak complex, it hurts to move my head
I've got a news reflex, but I bring it on myself
And all thoughts to save yourself come crashing round my bed
Around here, it's all for nothing
***
'Hi, this is David. I'm not available to take your call right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
***
"Hey, it's Hamilton. Leave a message."
***
The familiar voice, a sense of disconnection, then the inevitable beep. In two different little houses in the same little town, two girls hung up their phones slowly and sat back, hugging their knees to their chests. They turned to look out the window; though they did not know it, the haunted look in their eyes was one and the same.
Around here, it's all for nothing
Around here, it's all for nothing
