YA6:04 - Day One

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You Were the Last High by the Dandy Warhols
All is Full of Love by Bj�rk (singles mix)
Power of Grey Skull by Carriage H
Silence by Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan

Although what you are about to see is a work of fiction,
it should nevertheless be played at
maximum volume.

- Todd Haynes, Velvet Goldmine

Part One

Teaser

*The Dandy Warhols� �You Were the Last High� plays*

Carson

Faye Archer emerged from a boutique on Main Street Carson, triumphantly swinging a large shopping bag. It was a clear day in March, the early afternoon sun lending a sharp, bright sheen to the busy street.

She crossed the road to a payphone booth, humming to herself as she peered inside the bag. Fishing a couple of coins out of her pocket, she picked up the receiver and dialled a number, sneaking another look at the contents of the bag as she waited.

I am alone, but adored
By a hundred thousand more
Then I said when you were the last
And I have known love, like a whore
From at least ten thousand more
Then I swore when you were the last
When you were the last high

Scout Calhoun�s voice came over the line. �Hello?�

�Hey,� she grinned into the receiver. �It�s me.�

�Hey, whatcha doin�? I tried calling your cell earlier but there was no answer.�

�I forgot to bring it. I had a double period free so I�m in Carson, doing some shopping.�

�Oh god,� he groaned. �Is it time for me to get you a second wardrobe?�

�I�m not that predictable,� she said, looking as though she wanted to pout and smile at the same time.

�When it comes to clothes you are,� he laughed. �New dress?�

�New dress,� she admitted, sheepishly. �For prom.�

He sounded like he was trying not to laugh. �It�s a little early for prom, Faye.�

�Well, I can�t help it. It was just hanging there in the window and it�s so pretty� plus, this is gonna be, like, the first and only time we�ll get to go to prom together, and I wanted to look good��

�You always look good to me.�

She blushed, toying with the phone cord. �Yeah?�

�Can�t wait to see you in the dress,� he said softly. �Hey, we have a date tonight. Don�t forget.�

�How can I?� she laughed. �You�ve mentioned it every day for the past two weeks. What�s the big deal, Scout? You gonna propose or something?�

�No,� he sounded disgruntled. �It�s just� sort of an important occasion.�

�Important how?�

�You�ll see.� She could almost hear his smile across the line.

�Stop being so goddamn cryptic,� she chuckled. �Hey, I gotta go, my change is about to run out. I�ll see you later, all right? I hear we�re all meeting up at the diner.�

�I�ll see you there. Hey, guess what?�

�What?�

�I love you.�

�Thanks,� she giggled. �I love me too.�

�Faye��

�Fine, fine. I love you too. I�ll see you soon.�

Still giggling to herself, she hung up and stepped outside the phone booth. Exhaling happily, she raised her face to the sky, closing her eyes.

You were awake, and I should've stayed
But wondered
I was only out for a day, out for a day
It was Chicago for a moment and then
It was Paris and London for a few days
But I am alone but adored
By a hundred thousand more
Then I swore when you were the last

When you were the last high
When you were the last high

*Faye�s voiceover begins*

�You know that old saying; �Today�s the first day of the rest of our lives�? I don�t think I�ve ever felt it as clearly as I do now. There�s such a sense of possibility in the air, the uncontested truth that our futures are stretching out in front of us. Okay, so things might not always go the way we want them to; we might not always know where these futures may lead, if things are going to work out the way you thought they would. But right now? I don�t even care.�

I was the first to have spoken
And I said just about
All of the things you shouldn't say
So maybe you loved me but now maybe you don't
And maybe you'll call me, maybe you won't

She opened her eyes, smiling up at the sight of wispy clouds drifting across the horizon. She knew she must have looked like an idiot to passers-by, but that was hardly anything to care about. With another grin she walked across to her car and leapt into the convertible with a neat handspring.

Setting her shopping bag carefully on the passenger�s seat, she couldn�t help sneaking another peek at the beautiful lavender chiffon gown inside before she turned on the ignition and pulled out into the street.

*Faye�s voiceover continues*

�I�m just happy - so happy - to be here right now and be a part of all this. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives; and on days like these, it feels like there�s nothing in the world that could hold us back.�

So I am alone but adored
By a hundred thousand more
Then I said when you were the last
And I have known love, like a whore
From at least ten thousand more
Then I swore when you were the last

When you were the last high

And you were the last high

Part Two

*Opening credits and theme song*

Rawley Boys� Academy

�What is with this dinner date thing tonight, anyway?� Will Krudski asked as he watched Scout put away his cell phone. �Even I�ve been getting an earful about it. What gives? You�re not gonna propose, right?�

Scout gave him a dirty look as they walked to their next class. �Do I have �gonna propose� tattooed on my forehead? Why�s everybody got such a one-track mind?�

�Cos you won�t stop talking about this date,� Will pointed out, sensibly. �I�m serious, dude. You�re building it up like it�s the most important event in your life. What�s going on?�

Scout glanced at him with a smile. �If I tell you,� he said quietly. �Will you promise not to tell Faye? I want it to be a surprise.�

�Sure.�

�Okay.� Scout said as they entered Finn�s classroom and assumed their seats. Glancing quickly at their classmates, none of whom were paying attention, he fished something out of his pocket and handed it to Will.

It was a navy velveteen jewellery box. Will stared at it, then up at the other boy, his eyes widening.

�Oh my god,� he said. �You are gonna propose.�

�See what it is first, you idiot.�

With a frown Will opened the box and peeked inside. Upon matching navy velvet cushioning, there sat a well-worn silver-coloured ring, engraved with an intricate insignia.

�Let me guess,� Will said, deadpan. �You�re gonna propose?�

�God, I give up,� Scout said, snatching the box from him. �No, I�m not gonna propose. This isn�t an engagement ring.�

�It�s got your freaking family crest on it! I�ve seen your mom wear a ring exactly like that!�

�This is my mom�s ring, actually,� Scout said quietly. �She gave it to me last fall. It�s an heirloom and it�s supposed to be passed down through the Calhoun wives.�

�So� you�re gonna propose.�

�Will you stop saying that?� Scout whacked Will around the head before he turned back to the ring. �Look, my mom said we�re supposed to give this to the woman we love. Apparently, in the generations this ring�s been in the family, that had been the same as the wife. Until my mom and dad�� he shrugged, his expression darkening momentarily as he left the words unsaid. �Anyway, she gave it to me. And tomorrow I�m givin� it to Faye.�

Will didn�t answer for a long time, a strangely vacant look settling into his pale eyes. Scout glanced at him, as though seeking confirmation or reassurance.

At length Will said, his voice very soft, �Whoa.�

�I guess �whoa� is right,� Scout said, with a small smile. �It�s a big deal. Not proposal-big-deal, but��

�Still damn serious,� Will finished for him, with a shaky exhalation of breath. �You up to it, man? That�s one bold statement you�re making there.�

�I�m more ready than I�ve ever been,� Scout said softly, putting the box back in his pocket.

Will watched him for a moment longer before he turned toward the front of the class, nibbling thoughtfully on his lower lip.

Scout had, for lack of a better word, been positively glowing for the past month. It was as though his reconnection with Faye had kindled something inside of him, and now he seemed to leave a bright trail everywhere he turned, all infectious smiles and disarming rich-boy charm. Will wished he could have been happier for his friend.

He was about to say something when Finn strode into the room. �Afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,� he said, brandishing a copy of King Lear. �Let�s pick up our discussion where we left off yesterday. Why is King Lear not a traditional Elizabethan tragedy?�

There was a moment of silence, during which half the class glanced surreptitiously in Will�s direction. Finn hid a smile, leaning back against his desk and folding his arms.

�Um,� Will said. �Is it because there�s no reigning monarch at the end of the play?�

�That�s part of it, yes,� Finn said, nodding. �Traditionally, no matter what state of chaos the tragedies end in, peace must be restored, and the ascension of a monarch is the most transparent way of doing that. We�ve seen it, for example, in Hamlet, with Fortinbras assuming the throne, or in Macbeth, when Prince Malcolm takes back what is rightfully his.� A hopeful pause, and he added, �But I was thinking of something more thematic��

Will looked taken aback as he started leafing through his notes, a deep furrow settling into his brow. Scout glanced at Hamilton, the two sharing a good-natured smirk.

�Anyone else?� Finn asked, stifling a laugh at Will�s flustered state. The boy had been reigning English class for so long that it was rather entertaining to see him stumped once in a while.

�It�s because Cordelia is dead,� said Ryder Forrest after a moment of silence, barely glancing up.

�Yes,� Finn said, trying to hide the surprise from his voice. This was Ryder�s first time speaking out in the semester, if not the entire school year. More importantly, he was right. �Care to expand on that, Mr. Forrest?�

�She was an innocent,� Ryder said, matter-of-factly. �It made no sense for her to die.�

�She was a symbol of love, and goodness,� Will said slowly, catching on. �Near the end it seemed like everything was going to be all right � she was going to be saved on time, and peace would be restored. But instead they were too late and she had died, taking all the goodness in that world away with her.�

�That�s precisely it,� Finn said, nodding. �The important thing to remember for the end of King Lear is that, unlike other traditional Elizabethan tragedies, chaos remained. Cordelia wasn�t the tragic protagonist, she wasn�t supposed to die; that�s a direct contravention to poetic justice, which is supposed to set everything right. Nevertheless she did die, and when that happened, their whole world order was thrown out of balance. We can no longer look to traditional form to understand King Lear; Cordelia�s death had elevated it to something that was more than a classic tragedy. Her meaningless death, in that sense, imbued more meaning into the whole story.�

He glanced around at the roomful of students. Some looked enlightened, others merely confused. Ryder, on the other hand, had gone back to twirling his pen between his fingers, looking as though he couldn�t care less about what was being said.

Finn shook his head, caught halfway between vexation and amusement. �All right, guys,� he said, turning to the blackboard. �Let�s break it down in more detail.�

***
The gas station

Taking advantage of the recent warm weather, Amnesia had set up their practice space in the Banks� garage and started their rehearsal as soon as school was out. They had run through their set, finishing with a couple of covers and one of Bella�s new originals.

�That was awesome,� Josh Sutherland said as they finished the last song with a flourish. �Our sound is really coming together.�

�Definitely sounds like it,� Bella Banks agreed enthusiastically, unplugging her guitar. �So when�s our next gig?�

�Nothing solid booked for a while,� he answered, leafing through the calendar tacked to the side wall. �I�m talking to Rawley about playing for prom again, but it�s too early to tell. I think Edmund wants us too, but it all depends on scheduling.�

�We�re usually booked solid around prom time,� said Alex Hammond from behind the drum kit, tapping out an improv fill. �So it�s kinda nice to have some downtime now.�

�We should start thinking about the summer,� Josh said, still flipping through the calendar. �Figure out what we�re doing. We�ve been playing all the local places to death; I think we should really try for something bigger, you know? Get ourselves to go places.�

�Maybe a tour,� said Emily Bates, the bassist, brightening visibly. �All down the Eastern seaboard. That would so rock.�

�Where are we gonna get the cash to organise an full-on tour?� Bella asked with a small laugh. �I mean, we�re making decent money with the club gigs and stuff, but we�re talking about serious commitment here. Can we really pull off a tour?�

�Won�t know until we try,� Josh gave her a sideways smile. �And come on, none of us wants to be playing the high school scene for the rest of our lives. We want this band to go all the way. I mean, I�m graduating in � what? � three months? We�re gonna get ourselves signed and record real albums to sell in real stores, and we�re gonna tour the country and become bona fide rock stars. That�s how it goes, right?�

Bella looked slightly taken aback as she glanced around at the others. Emily and Alex, however, were nodding in agreement as though it were par for the course.

With a tiny frown Bella finished putting away her guitar, her brows furrowed.

�God, I�m hungry,� Alex announced, stretching as he got to his feet.

�You�re always hungry,� Emily and Josh said in unison, rolling their eyes.

�Hard-out drumming, children,� Alex smiled. �You oughta try it sometime. Burns calories like you wouldn�t believe. Come on, let�s hit the diner. I could murder a couple of cheeseburgers.�

�You coming, Bella?� asked Josh, peering across the road at Friendly�s. Jake Pratt, Sean McGrail and Hamilton Fleming were already there, seated in their usual window booth. �I think that�s Scout and Will coming up the road now.�

�Scout, by himself?� she asked with a smile, locking up the garage before following the others across the road. �That�s rare. When did he and Faye become unattached at the hip?�

�She went to Carson,� Josh answered with a smile. �Clothes shopping. Wanted me to come as fashion consultant, but unfortunately I had a prior engagement to hang with you losers.�

�You�re so charming when you want to be,� she giggled with a roll of the eyes, punching him playfully as they trooped into the dinner, exchanging a round of hellos with their friends and squeezing one by one into the corner booth.

***
Rawley Academy, Dean�s office

The office phone rang shrilly for what seemed the hundredth time that day. The Dean�s secretary glanced at the clock longingly before she sighed and picked up the phone on the third ring. �Rawley Academy,� she said unenthusiastically. �Dean�s office.�

There was a pause. �I�m sorry,� she said. �He�s in a staff meeting right now. Can I take a message and get him to call back?�

Another pause. �Well�� she said, knitting her brows together. �I�m not supposed to interrupt��

She was cut off mid-sentence by the other side. Listening for a few more moments, she sighed again, looking remotely harangued. �Well,� she said begrudgingly, �if it�s urgent� please hold the line, I�ll get him to come take the call.�

***
The diner

�Look who decided to show up without his better half?� Jake joked as Scout and Will walked in the door.

�You�re so funny,� he made a face as they slipped into the booth. �What�s up, guys?�

�Same old, same old,� said Hamilton, resting his head on Jake�s shoulder. �Sean�s trying to unload his soggy fries on us for the past half hour. Seriously dude, why did you order it if you couldn�t finish it?�

�I was hungry when I got here,� Sean said defensively, pushing the plate in Scout�s direction. �Want some?�

�No thanks,� Scout grinned. �I�m going out tonight.�

�The crazy important dinner date,� said Jake and Bella, rolling their eyes at each other. �We�ve heard.�

�Sorry,� he said, looking a little embarrassed as he glanced at Will. �I guess I have been talking about it too much.�

Will merely offered a tight smile, taking a fry for himself. �So what�s going on?� he asked, glancing around the table.

�Well, Katrina Wells is holding a party,� Sean said slowly, looking unenthused.

�Katrina,� Jake said, spitting the name out one syllable at a time. �That bitch has something against me. I�m so sick of it.�

�Everyone�s sick of it,� said Bella, sympathetically. �Don�t worry about it, Jake, no one even listens to her, we all know she talks crap about everybody. She�s truly the bitch from hell.�

�I�ll second that,� Will said. �If I was ever gonna punch a girl, she came the closest to it.�

�I remember that,� Sean gave a loud guffaw. �You were tryin� to defend Bella�s honour back when Katrina was spreadin� rumours about her. Nice one, man.�

�Not my finest moment,� Will laughed. �So why are we talking about her again?�

�Party, apparently,� Jake replied, making a sour face. �Hey, I know, we should totally gatecrash.�

�Sounds good in theory,� Bella chuckled. �But knowing Katrina, she�d most likely be too drunk to care. Or notice.�

The others laughed. �Good point,� said Jake, looking a little crestfallen. Hamilton kissed her on the cheek, consolingly, and she smiled at him, returning the kiss.

***
Rawley Academy, staff room

�Excuse me, Steven?� the Dean�s secretary poked her head in the doorway. �Very sorry to disturb you, but someone�s on the phone for you. Said it was urgent.�

�Thanks, Tracey,� Steven Fleming said, getting to his feet. �Excuse me,� he said to the roomful of assembled staff. �Please continue without me.�

�Urgent business,� said Kathy Bradford once he was out the door. She turned around with a grin. �What you guys think? I�m hedging my bet on a threatened lawsuit from some disgruntled parent.�

�Haven�t had one of those in a while,� Finn chuckled. �I don�t know about everyone else, but I�ve had an amazingly well-behaved class this year. No scandals at all.�

�Except for the infamous Jacqueline Pratt incident,� Mr. Gilbert, the social sciences teacher, pointed out. �But that seemed to work out. Strange, I thought we were going to follow that up.�

�Steven and I managed to convince the Board not to take it further,� Kate Fleming said, looking up from her papers. �What�s the point? She�s just a kid. Kids make mistakes in judgment. Hell, it�s not like we don�t. She�s been punished enough.�

Finn raised an eyebrow. Leaning over, he said under his breath, �This doesn�t sound like the Kate I know.�

She didn�t look at him as she spoke. �Doesn�t mean I�ve forgiven her for what she did. I just didn�t want to ruin her future completely. Those two are very different things, Finn.�

He nodded slowly. Across the conference table, Kathy gave him a smile, and he smiled back.

�Well,� Kate said after a moment of silence, �the Dean told us not to wait, so let�s just press on with the next order of business: proposed intake for Summer Session. We�ve got to finalise the curriculum in the next couple of weeks if we hope to offer any concrete intake figures when enrolment opens in April. Who�s sticking around this summer? Finn, I assume you are here to oversee JV Crew again?�

Finn nodded. �So that means an automatic yes for my English lit class; is it okay to have it co-ed again? The kids seem to enjoy that.�

�I bet they do,� Kate said, with a small smile. �I�ll check the lists and get back to you. Anyone else?�

�I�ll be happy to teach during the summer,� said Reese Alexander. �I hear the art curriculum is a lot more active in Summer Session and I�m anxious to see that for myself.�

�Perfect,� Kate grinned at him, making a mark on her papers. �I was afraid we were going to be short-staffed on the art faculty. And that would�ve been a real shame because we do have a thriving art community during the summer; in fact, a lot of kids enrol just for the summer art course and��

The door opened and Steven Fleming walked back into the room. Kate glanced over her shoulder, briefly, and turned back to Reese to continue her unfinished sentence.

Before she did, however, she stopped and looked back at her husband, perplexed.

He stood at the head of the table, his hands clenched at his sides. There was a faint sweaty sheen over his forehead, and he had grown pale, staring over the bemused faces but looking as though he didn�t see any of them at all. He opened his mouth; nothing came out.

Kate got to her feet and placed a hand on his arm.

�Honey?� she asked quietly. �What is it?�

***
The diner

�God, I�m going to be sick,� moaned Alex, clutching his stomach and looking faintly green.

�We all told you the fourth burger wasn�t a good idea,� said Emily, sounding exasperated as she helped him out the door. �See ya, everyone,� she called over her shoulder. �Gotta get him home before he explodes.�

�You guys sure you want to head back to Boston?� asked Josh dubiously. �Look, I don�t want him hanging out the side of the car vomiting all the way back.�

�Thanks for the mental image, Joshua,� Alex said weakly, making a rude gesture despite his imminent demise. Josh gave him a sweet smile in return.

�We�ll be okay,� Emily chuckled. �See you guys later.�

The others said their goodbyes, watching them stagger to their car across the road. �My god,� Bella giggled with a small shudder. �Four double cheeseburgers. How�s he gonna get out of that one alive?�

�I really don�t wanna think about that,� Hamilton looked vaguely nauseated. �Emily�s one brave woman.�

�It�s a two-hour drive back,� Sean said, with a wicked glint in his eye. �Chances are he�d be purged clean by the time they get home, anyway.�

�Did I mention I don�t want to think about the gross factor?� Hamilton repeated, grimacing, just as Will jumped to his feet. �Crap!� he exclaimed, grabbing his jacket. �I�m supposed to be tutoring in five minutes! Hey guys, I gotta run, see you all later.�

�Wait,� Josh said. �I�m heading back to school, I�ll give you a ride.�

Will turned around. �Would you? That�d be great. Thanks, man.�

�No problem.� Josh slid out of the booth. �Anybody else want a ride?�

�I�m good here,� Hamilton smiled, pulling Jake closer to his side and pressing his lips to her temple.

�I can see that,� Josh laughed. �Scout?�

�I thought Faye�d be back by now,� Scout said, looking confused. �But maybe we got our lines crossed. I suppose I better come back with you guys � I gotta��

�Get ready for the big date, we know, we know,� Bella finished for him, rolling her eyes affectionately as she pretended to shove him out of the booth. �See you later, guys.�

***
Rawley Academy

The door to the staff room was wrenched open.

Kathy Bradford and Kate Fleming walked out first - not so much walked than staggered - into the hallway, and into the crisp sunlight that poured in through the second-storey window. They looked up, their eyes bright and opaque. It seemed to make no sense that there would still be light here, that the sun would continue to coat the parquet floors like a sheet of liquid crystal, and that the air would be warm.

Behind them the other teachers filed out of the room, bringing with them the low hum of urgent voices suppressed with a kind of respectful, muffled shock. They lingered in the hallway, the whole group of them, looking uncertainly back over their shoulders.

Finn and Steven Fleming were the last ones out. They looked first toward the faces staring at them in mute disorder, and then at each other. Finn could feel himself clenching his jaw, so tight he could almost hear the bones grinding together.

�Finn,� Steven said at length, swallowing. �We�ll have to� get the kids.�

Finn stared back at the Dean, the intent blue of his eyes, the deep grooves lining his forehead that made him seem much older than his mere forty-five years. He nodded, and without another word turned away, striding quickly down the hall, leaving behind him the collective of white faces and empty stares.

***
Ryder�s room

Ryder looked up from his English homework, glancing out the window and narrowing his eyes slightly at the sudden, unaccustomed brightness. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he hit the first number on his speed-dial.

It rang a few times before it was picked up. �Faye�s phone,� said an unfamiliar female voice.

�It�s Ryder. Who is this?� he demanded, furrowing his brows.

�It�s Paige.� Paige Bennett was his sister�s roommate. �Faye�s not here; she must�ve forgotten her phone. Can I take a message?�

�Yeah, just get her to ring me when she gets back, thanks.�

�No problem. See you later.� She clicked off.

He stuffed the phone back into his pocket and looked out the window again, frowning impatiently. It was too nice a day to be inside, cooped up and doing homework. On the other hand, these days he was actually starting to make an effort for school, so he wouldn�t have to suffer the indignity of repeating 10th grade English for a third year. With a resigned sigh he turned back to his King Lear essay.

He barely had time to pick up his pen before a knock sounded on his door. �What?� he demanded, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice. �I�m busy.�

The door opened. He glanced over with a scowl.

It was Finn. �Ryder,� he said, staring at the boy as though he�d never seen him before.

�What can I do for you, Finn?� Ryder asked, raising an eyebrow.

�You�ll need to come with me,� Finn said after a pause, his hold tightening on the door handle.

Ryder frowned at him. �What�s going on?�

�We need to go to the Dean�s office,� Finn said, quietly. �He�s expecting you. Please, come with me now.�

�So what�s this about?� Ryder asked as he got to his feet.

�Please,� Finn said, and without further ado he ushered Ryder into the hallway, closing the door firmly behind them. �Please, just come with me.�

�Did I do something?� Ryder asked, his voice rising as Finn quickly escorted him down the stairs. �Cos it�s not me, I swear I haven�t done anything; somebody�s trying to play me, Finn, you gotta��

Finn wouldn�t look at him. �Please,� he said again, his tone tight and controlled. �Just come with��

He stopped suddenly, looking up at the main doors, from which Will, Scout and Josh were just emerging, chuckling quietly amongst themselves. For a moment he grew white and seemed to shrink in stature; it was as though the sight of these boys had withered something inside of him.

�Josh,� he said. �Scout.�

Although he hardly raised his voice, there seemed to be something in his tone that made all three of them look up at once. �Hey Finn,� Josh said with a smile. �What�s up?�

�Please come with us,� Finn said. Without another word he beckoned Ryder on.

�What�s going on?� the others demanded, their gazes darting from Finn, to Ryder, then to Finn again.

�Please just come with us,� Finn repeated quietly, gesturing for Josh and Scout to join him as he turned toward the staff wing.

�Can I help?� asked Will, looking slightly put as he watched them depart. �Finn?�

�Not now, Will,� Finn answered, barely looking over his shoulder as he disappeared with the three boys in tow.

Will stared after them for another moment, his expression one of mixed sullenness and confusion, before he shook his head and went on his way.

***
The Dean�s office

Steven sat behind his wide mahogany table, staring down at its polished surface. Kate stood beside him, and a moment later he glanced up at her, giving her hand a squeeze.

�I think you�d better go,� he said, his voice low. �Finn and I will handle this.�

�Are you sure?� she whispered. �I could stay.�

He shook his head. �Go. There�s no need for you to be here and��

He trailed off, meeting her eyes. She stared down at him for another second before she blinked rapidly and turned away. �Okay,� she murmured, walking toward the door.

Before she had reached it, however, it opened of its own accord, revealing Finn, Ryder, Josh and Scout in the doorway. Kate gave a violent start when she saw them, her eyes growing frightfully bright for a moment before she pushed past them without a word, dashing out into the hall.

All three boys stared after her, their expressions one of identical perplexity. �What is going on, Finn?� Scout demanded.

�Boys,� Steven said, not meeting their eyes. �Have a seat.�

It had been something in his voice, simultaneously plaintive and terrible; they obliged without another word. Finn joined Steven at the table, assuming the space that Kate had just left behind. They exchanged a long look, as though communicating via other means, the kind that required something more visceral than words.

The boys waited, their expressions apprehensive. Scout glanced at Josh, but Josh was looking at Ryder, the light catching his eyes and turning it an odd crystalline blue. Ryder looked back briefly before he averted his gaze, turning instead to Steven.

�Dean Fleming?� he asked quietly. �Seeing you have the three of us here, I can�t help but think this is something to do with my sister.�

Steven stirred, his gaze burning into a sudden, sharp focus. Ryder looked back; there was a hint of tension in his jaw.

�Yes,� Steven said. �It is. I� I mean� Faye was in a car accident.�

�What?� they demanded in unison. �Is she all right?� added Scout, leaning forward.

Steven swallowed, his gaze straying once more to Finn before he cleared his throat and looked back.

�No, she�s not all right,� he said, his voice thickening.

�I�m so sorry. She� she didn�t survive.�

Part Three

The diner

�Josh was talking about going on tour this summer,� Bella mused, absently stirring her glass of Coke. She glanced out the window, catching the sun in her eyes. �He�s so serious about the band.�

�Is that a bad thing?� Hamilton asked, furrowing his brows.

�No,� she admitted with a small frown. �I just� I guess I just didn�t realise how seriously they�re all taking this. I mean, they really wanna make it big, you know?�

�What�s wrong with that?� Jake asked with a grin. �Being a rock goddess wouldn�t suck, girl.�

Bella laughed. �I guess. I just wasn�t really thinking about it that way. It�s weird.�

�Weird, as in �I could get into it eventually-weird�,� asked Sean, �or �I don�t wanna be a part of this-weird�?�

She chewed on her lip thoughtfully. �I don�t know.�

�Well, you�ll have lots of time to figure it out,� Hamilton said. �It�s another three months until summer.�

�Speaking of,� Jake turned to him. �Are you going to Summer Session this year?�

�Why?� he kissed her quickly. �Got something else in mind?�

�I dunno,� she grinned. �It just seems like a waste of another summer being stuck in school. We should travel or something. Go on a road trip like Scout and Faye last year; that looked like fun.�

�Hey, I know,� Sean piped up, smiling. �Bella could go on tour with Amnesia, and you guys could be, like, roadies. And David could be the guy who hangs around filming the documentary for when they get famous. It�s perfect.�

�And what would you be?� asked Bella, giggling.

�Their drug dealer,� he said, deadpan. �Come on, every successful rock band needs their own drug dealer. I�m tellin� you, it�s perfect.�

�Yeah, perfect,� Bella laughed, throwing a fry in his direction. �We�ll just see about that.�

***
Carson Community Hospital

*Bj�rk�s �All is Full of Love� plays*

It took Finn�s eyes a moment to adjust from the brightness outside. The smell hit him first, the antiseptic detachment of it, the smell of sickness and recovery, of life and of other things.

He blinked, and the room shifted into focus. They were standing in the lobby of the hospital; the floor beneath them was some sort of greyish speckled tile, here and there pooling little crescents of reflected light. Behind them, the automatic doors slid shut with a soft hiss.

It wasn�t dark in here, after all. One of the fluorescent bulbs overhead was blinking, but then that seemed to be the universal way where they were concerned. There were other people waiting, rows upon rows of plastic seats, an occasional wheezing cough. He would have thought it a dream if not for the smell, the immediacy of the one sense that would not fail him, faintly sweet and pervasive as though it could cling to his skin and hair long after he had made it out of this place.

Make it out of this place. His thoughts hit a snag on the phrase, and he turned it over in his mind, absently, as though he wanted to examine it in more detail. Swallowing, he closed his eyes briefly and willed himself to think about something else. He opened his eyes again.

There were two police officers at the counter. Steven had walked up to them, conversing in low tones. Finn watched mutely as they all turned to the nurse on duty, who, after a moment, looked quizzically over their shoulders at the three boys.

She turned back to Steven, shaking her head. He glanced at the constables and said something else, an expression of appeal settling over his features. Finn looked away.

The boys were quiet and very still. He didn�t bring himself to look at their faces. Couldn�t.

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

The nurse got up and gestured for them to follow. Steven, evidently, had won out in the brief disagreement. Finn looked toward the other man, and Steven nodded, falling into step behind the woman. Wordlessly the boys and Finn followed.

The police officers stayed behind, two streaks of blue against the flat grey of the lobby. Finn didn�t linger long enough to catch their expressions. He could feel the nurse glancing back over her shoulder, and he didn�t want to see her expression, either, so he kept his eyes on the floor.

The boys walked in front of him, the three of them in one straight-line formation, their footsteps falling erratically in and out of sync. Ryder�s suede hiking boots, Josh�s black steel-caps, and Scout�s worn sneakers: three pairs of feet upon the speckled tile, forward, step; forward, step. For a brief moment it seemed like this would be the case for all of eternity: forward, step; forward, step. It was a much more comforting thought than the alternative.

They took a turn, and Finn finally looked up. The corridor was clearly marked, there was a sign on the wall, white text upon dark blue.

Morgue →

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

They stopped. Finn was faintly thrown by the act; he hadn�t realised that a part of him had believed � actually believed � that they would keep going like this, keep going forever. But here were a set of smoke doors; here was a viewing window, a narrow transparent strip of plastic set into the door. Beyond it there was a room, and in it were examination tables, laid out not unlike some sort of classroom. He was briefly and sharply horrified by the analogy, but the horror dissipated, like a fog lifting over water, when he saw what he was meant to see all along.

Here, then, was the all-concealing white sheet. Here was the shape of an immobile body above the cool metal. Here was an icy fist around Finn�s lungs, and it was squeezing so hard that his vision seemed to teeter on the verge of going out. There�s a mistake, there has to be, he said, and he didn�t know if he had spoken out loud.

No one seemed to hear him at any rate. The nurse had turned around. �Family members only,� she said quietly, glancing at Steven. �Inside for ID. I�m going to have to ask the rest of you to remain here.�

Steven looked, in turn, at Ryder.

�Yes,� Ryder said, �of course.�

The nurse nodded and opened the door. Ryder did not look at the others as he stepped inside.

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you

It�s a mistake, Finn said, and once again he was struck by the sense of uncertainty. Did he say anything at all? His voice was resonating in his own mind, the sound of it tense and tinny and hopeful, but no one stirred. The nurse led Ryder to the examination table, and out here they watched, with a collective sense of baited breath, as though waiting for the punchline of an elaborate joke.

Scout�s eyes were very wide and fiercely blue under the artificial lights. There was a downward quirk to his mouth, as though he were determined to prove them all wrong. Josh, on the other hand, was completely expressionless, his pale throat working slightly as he watched. His eyes were a lucent green, misty with some inarticulate apprehension.

�Are you ready?� the nurse asked, standing before the sheet-covered body. She looked at Ryder.

�Yes,� he said calmly. It didn�t sound like his voice at all.

The nurse nodded and lifted the sheet.

All is full of love
You just ain�t receiving
All is full of love - your phone is off the hook
All is full of love - your doors are all shut
All is full of love

Josh felt like he was caught in some sort of time void. The lifting of that sheet seemed, in equal measures, to take an eternity and a fraction of a moment that could only be accounted for in quantum terms. Not enough time for him to react, but too much time for thoughts like these, for flashes of random images, snippets of conversation, musings from nowhere at all. If there was a car crash there had to be injuries. Would it be messy? Would they have cleaned up beforehand? Surely it would be too cruel otherwise. He kept his gaze level, thinking of blood.

But there was no blood. There was only a pale face, a few scratches that were so faint they were barely visible, and a shock of ice-blonde hair.

Faye looked, in all honesty, like she was just sleeping. Like it was still - even now - a joke or a dream, something entirely reparable.

He was aware of himself making a sound, a choked gasp, a reactive exclamation of grief and of disbelief, but he didn�t feel it. He stared at her, the porcelain stillness, and the sense of possibility still didn�t go away, that she would just suddenly sit up and grin and make a fool out of them for falling for her elaborate prank. He was aware of himself, standing here and looking through the narrow strip of clear plastic; he was aware of the sound of his own breathing.

Ryder looked down at her face. For a moment he didn�t move at all. Then he lifted his head and met the nurse�s eyes.

�I�m sorry,� she said, her voice gentle. �Her spinal cord snapped upon impact� there was nothing we could�ve done��

He stared at her for a moment longer, dropping his gaze once more.

�We just� we just want you to know that she probably felt very little pain, and��

�SHUT UP!�

�Ryder!� Steven shouted, shoving the door open just as Ryder launched himself at the nurse in a flurry of movement and incomprehensible shouting. With uncharacteristic roughness Steven grabbed hold of the boy by the shoulders, yanking him back. �Ryder!� he yelled. �Ryder! Calm down!�

�You�re lying!� Ryder yelled, bucking uncontrollably in Steven�s grasp. His eyes were wide with fury as he tried, once again, to launch himself at the nurse. �This isn�t her! This can�t be her!�

The scene, like all others, seemed completely insubstantial. Josh heard Steven calling Finn�s name, desperately, in want of assistance; he heard the nurse hit the intercom and request security. He heard Ryder�s frantic, senseless words and curses, the undertones of fury running through his voice like some ancient war paean calling for blood. But all of that meant nothing to him in this hollow remove, where there was only the expanding hole in the centre of his chest, the sense of being utterly alone. The world blurred and grew brighter; he was suddenly aware of warm moisture on his face. With a sense of profound shock he realised that he was crying.

�Ryder,� he choked out, taking a step forward. He saw his own hand outstretched, pale and thin and distant like everything else. His voice caught in his throat; he couldn�t get the rest of the words out. It was only much later that he realised he was crying too hard to speak.

�Don�t touch me!� Ryder shouted, finally breaking Steven�s hold. He whirled around, his eyes like tarnished coins. His gaze swept over the others and passed through them; they might as well not have been there at all.

�Don�t touch me,� he repeated, softly, before he turned and staggered out the door.

�Ryder,� Josh whispered. The room shifted; he was aware of himself running, he was aware of his footsteps echoing down the empty corridor. He was chasing after Ryder, and he didn�t realise how or why that came to be.

Even now he understood that both of them were completely, utterly, and miraculously alive; and equally, that she was not.

All is full of love
All is full of love

�Josh! Ryder!� Steven exclaimed, and with an anguished look at Finn, turned and ran after the boys.

Finn stared after them for a few moments before he whirled around, feeling like he had been suddenly punched in the chest. In the commotion they had all forgotten there was someone else.

Scout had stepped back against the wall and slid down, drawing his knees up to his chest.

�Scout?� Finn demanded. �Scout?�

He didn�t answer. He merely sat there, staring at the body laid out on the table, quiet and dry-eyed.

All is full of love
All is full of love

Part Four

Carson Community Hospital

Josh leaned back against the tiled wall of the hospital bathroom, closing his eyes.

Ryder was throwing up in one of the cubicles. They had been here for nearly half an hour; there was only the sound of occasional dry retching now, but Ryder had refused to come out nonetheless. After a few minutes of standing around in helpless concern, the Dean had gone to sort out the administrative side of things. Josh neither knew nor cared about the specifics.

It was as though, in this half hour here in this bathroom, he had lived out his entire past and future. Here were the too-bright lights that stung his eyes; here were the mirrors and echoes; here was Ryder locked inside his own private hell. Josh had the sudden and fleeting thought that the tiles must really be hurting his knees by now.

�Ryder?� he asked, and his voice was alien to him. It was dry, raspy, devoid of sentiment. It felt like he had swallowed a pint of bleach.

Ryder didn�t reply. Not that Josh expected anything different. Absently he turned and walked to the mirrored sinks that lined the far wall, intending to splash some cold water on his face. That seemed like the correct thing at a time like this, though he had forgotten what good it was supposed to do.

Cool metal, grab and twist. Ice-cold water came gushing out of the faucet, but before he could dip his hands in it he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Was this him, then? This vacant pale face with the blotchy red rings around the eyes, the haunted stare? He recognised this face, but only barely. Who was he? Who could he be, now, without her?

He thought he had exhausted all his tears, but apparently he was wrong. Gazing down at the still-running water in the white basin, swirling down the sink in what seemed an endless progression, he began to cry once more. He no longer knew � perhaps he never knew - whether he was crying for her, or for Ryder, or for himself.

Behind him, the toilet flushed and the cubicle door finally swung open. Ryder stood unsteadily in the doorframe, clutching it with one white-knuckled hand.

Josh lifted his head hastily, dragging the back of his hand across his cheek. �Ryder,� he murmured, turning around and taking a step forward.

�Don�t,� Ryder said, averting his eyes as he staggered toward the door.

�Ryder, please,� Josh whispered, following the other boy out of the bathroom. �Just� stop for a second.�

�Just don�t,� Ryder hissed, striding down the hallway and through the waiting room, pressing a hand to his forehead. Without another word he stalked past Steven Fleming and the police constables, who were still standing at the counter and filling out paperwork. The sliding doors opened and Ryder walked out, into the bright afternoon sun, and before the doors closed on him Josh could see the harsh light outlining his profile, for just a moment, in diamond-sharp relief.

He did not follow. Throwing another remote glance in Steven�s direction, he slowly turned toward the hallway, the one down which they had travelled only a short while ago.

***

Finn had rolled down all the windows in Steven�s car, but the sun was slanting from one side, baking the interiors nonetheless. He wondered, absently, how it could be cold when it also felt like he was dripping sweat from every pore. No sooner than the thought appeared did he chase it away with a vague sense of guilt; it didn�t seem right to think about such mundane things right now.

But the thoughts were there all the same, thoughts about himself, incidental and insignificant observations. Had this always been the case? Was his mind always this active and routine, taking snapshots of the world around him and giving it back in senseless fragments? Perhaps it was only now, in the clarity of what had happened and what was to come, that one understood these everyday trivialities for what they were.

�Scout,� he said again. �Please, talk to me.�

Scout sat in the back seat, slumped forward with his elbows on his knees. He was in direct sunlight, the too-bright rays scorching the back of his neck, but he looked like he neither noticed nor cared. His eyes were like glass.

�I know this is�� Finn trailed off, swallowing. �I can�t imagine what it must be like for you.�

Scout didn�t reply or give any indication that he�d heard at all.

�I just need to know if you�re gonna be all right here,� Finn said after a moment. �I need to check on Josh and Ryder. They�ve been in that bathroom for a while and��

He trailed off again. Scout didn�t stir.

�I�ll be back soon,� Finn said, finally. �Don�t go anywhere.�

He got out of the car, leaving Scout sitting inside and slumped in the exact same position that he�d been in for the past half hour. It was late afternoon, yet the sun showed no signs of fading. The sky overheard was a dazzling, opaque blue, like spilled paint.

Finn made his way to the hospital entrance. Ryder was there, leaning against one of the pillars, trying to light a cigarette. His silver lighter flashed like lightning in his hands as he tried, once, twice, unsuccessful each time, his hands shaking too much to produce one single flame.

Without a word Finn took the lighter out of his hands and lit the cigarette for him. Ryder took a long, slow pull, not looking at Finn at all.

�Do you�� Finn said hesitantly, wondering if he should be asking. Was it considerate, to do this to a boy who�d just lost his only sister? It was a simple question; nevertheless it seemed wrong on so many levels, like the rest of this trivial day, which kept trudging along in all its languid clarity.

He asked anyway. �Do you know where Josh is?�

Ryder withdrew his gaze from the distance and gave him a small shrug, his face a blank landscape.

Finn tried to catch his eye, failed, and turned away with a sigh. �Please stay here,� he said. �I�ll go check on Josh.�

Ryder, too, gave no indication that he�d heard.

***

At the entrance to the morgue, Josh pressed a hand against the viewing window and looked inside.

The sheet had been pulled back over her head. She lay there, and it still seemed in some part of him that she could just sit up and walk away from it. That they all could.

He was aware, very acutely, of the things that surrounded him: the cold tiled floor, the hallway light that gave off a faint buzzing, the waxy coolness of the window against his fingers. He was aware of himself as a seventeen-year-old boy with his hand up against a morgue door. He was aware of his own stillness, but one that was different to hers; fundamentally different, in fact, stretched clean across the dividing line.

He opened the door; he walked inside. He was aware also of himself moving, calmly, toward her there on the table, there under the pristine sheet. The smoke doors swung back into place and suddenly the faint buzzing was locked outside; the whole world was locked outside and there was only the two of them left, as it had been in countless times in the past.

In the silence he approached the table and, with no more thought than opening a refrigerator door or picking up a book bag, he lifted the sheet from her face.

He was struck by a memory, so forcefully that it seemed to take physical presence, shoving reality aside and taking its place. Suddenly he was no longer here in the morgue but on a stage, under a set of scorching lights, aware that in the surrounding darkness there were people, multitudes of them, watching silently. He was bent over her just as he was doing now, and he had reached out and lifted a black veil from her face.

Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty. Thou art not conquer'd.

The memory dissipated just as suddenly as it had appeared, and grief crashed over him; it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from the room. �God, Faye,� he whispered, his voice catching at the back of his throat. �Please, wake up. Just wake up��

She did not wake. He reached out; his hand hovered millimetres from the surface of her skin, but he couldn�t force it to go any further. It seemed like he could already feel the coldness emanating from her, the hardness, the profound lack of life.

�God,� he said again, and he could feel the meaning leave him even as he uttered the word.

There was the sound of footsteps behind him. �Josh,� Finn exclaimed, rushing into the room. �I don�t think you�re supposed to be here��

�She�s my best friend,� said Josh, quietly, not turning around. �There�s nowhere I�d rather be.�

�I think we should leave, Josh,� Finn murmured. �The Dean will take care of everything here. I think we should get back.�

�And leave her here?�

Finn closed his eyes, exhaling quietly.

There was an eerie stillness in the room, one that he hadn�t yet experienced. Josh�s grief was again different to that of Ryder and Scout; it was calmer, somehow, as though the boy had already been through enough to recognise complete loss of hope when it was staring him in the face.

�For now,� Finn said at length, because it didn�t look like Josh was going to leave without an answer. �Someone will organise the, um, funeral� soon and� I suppose we�ll know what to do then.�

�They won�t have to�� Josh whispered, not meeting his eyes. �They won�t have to� cut her open, right?�

�No,� Finn managed to choke out, swallowing hard. �I don�t think so.�

�Good.�

Without another word Josh turned back, and with unnatural serenity and gentleness, leaned down and kissed Faye on the forehead. The barrier was no longer there; it felt natural now, like a thing that needed to be done.

�I�ll see you later, Tinkerbell,� he whispered. As he pulled back a tear landed on her cheek and he brushed it away carefully, his fingers lingering on her skin.

�She�s not as cold as I thought she�d be,� he said. He pulled the sheet back over her head, tenderly, as though he were afraid of disturbing her slumber.

Then he turned, meeting Finn�s eyes.

�I�m ready to go home now,� he said.

Part Five

Rawley Academy

The sun was setting as Steven and Finn escorted the boys back to the Dean�s office. The light had grown deeper in colour but somehow no less bright, lending a fiery orange tint to everything it touched. As Josh walked he thought, with the dry remoteness of someone who had cried enough to last a lifetime, how odd it was that she wouldn�t get to see this; that colours were beyond her now. He lowered his head and followed the others through the door.

�Dean Fleming?� said the secretary as soon as they arrived, pulling Steven aside. �I called both Edward Forrest and Vanessa Archer,� she said in a low voice, glancing over his shoulder at the three boys standing just inside the threshold. �Had to leave messages with both. He hasn�t called back yet, but she did � less than ten minutes ago.�

�How did she take the news?� His voice was scarcely higher than a whisper.

She only gave him a vaguely disapproving look, as though to say �how do you think?�

A hint of colour dashed across his face. Without another word he nodded, swallowed, and turned back.

�Ryder,� he said. �Would you like to speak to your mother now?�

Josh watched mutely, as Ryder followed Steven into the interior office. The phone was picked up; a number was dialled. Ryder waited with the receiver pressed against his ear; the sunset from the window had turned him the colour of glowing blood-amber.

At length he said, �Hullo, mother.�

Steven retreated, pulling the door shut behind him. The last thing that Josh saw was Ryder, leaning against the Dean�s desk, one hand holding the receiver and the other gripping the edge of the smooth mahogany, as though he were resting all his weight on that one hand alone.

�What would you like to do now?� asked Steven, very softly, his gaze travelling from Josh to Scout and back again. �Do you two perhaps� want to talk? Or have someone sit with you? We can arrange��

�I would like to go to my room now,� Josh said, lowering his eyes. �Please.�

Steven and Finn exchanged a glance. Steven gave a slight nod, and Finn stepped forward. �I�ll take you back,� he said quietly.

�Scout?� asked Steven, looking worriedly at the other boy.

A few moments passed, during which there was no reply. Scout had not said a thing on the way back, staring absently out the window as though he had forgotten something very important and was now using every ounce of his conscious energy into recalling. That look remained in his eyes: he was staring straight at Steven, but there was no mistaking the impression that, when their gazes met, Scout saw nothing at all.

�Scout?� Steven asked again.

�I�d like to go back too,� Scout said after another moment, his voice wooden.

�All right,� Steven said. �Finn, if you wouldn�t mind��

�Sure,� said Finn, placing what he hoped was a reassuring hand on each boy�s shoulder. �Come on, let�s get back to the dorms.�

Wordlessly they let themselves be led out.

***
Josh�s room

�Are you going to be okay here?� Finn asked at the doorway, watching Josh slump down on his bed.

They had escorted Scout back first, and the boy had shut the door on them without another word. Now he watched Josh, a solitary figure in the waning light, and he stuck his hands in his pockets. �I could stay if you want,� he said tentatively.

�No,� said Josh. And as an afterthought, �Thank you.�

�Okay,� said Finn. �You know where to find me if��

Josh lifted his head and met his eyes. For a moment Finn had a fleeting image of a desolate landscape, vast and featureless. He cut himself off and looked away.

�I�m really sorry,� he murmured, injecting as much sincerity into the phrase as he could muster.

Josh merely nodded and turned away. He didn�t move again until he heard the soft click of the door being pulled shut. Finn�s footsteps, simultaneously heavy and cautious, disappeared down the hall.

He looked around the room. The light had tinted everything a brilliant orange: his bed, his walls, himself. The day was nearly over, but it seemed determined to leave its imprint before it faded away completely. It was almost incomprehensible, here in the warm, piercing light, that it would ever fade; that it would, in a few short hours, be completely obliterated until not a trace remained. He could feel a hollow resonance in his chest, the familiar hot tension behind his eyeballs. Was it still possible to cry? How much tears could one body hold?

He stood up, all the time still aware of himself standing in a room suffused with red-gold light, going over to his desk and putting a CD into his stereo. It seemed ludicrous that he could still be here, still do these pointless things and move around and be aware of his body doing everything that it seemed to be doing of its own accord. He watched himself press the play button, and then repeat. He returned to his bed.

*Carriage H�s �Power of Grey Skull� plays*

He lay down on his side and drew his knees up to his chest. He closed his eyes. He tried to sleep.

Time scrapes the skin
Washes down wrong
I wait for the day
When I will be just sand

***
The Dean�s office

The door opened slowly and Ryder emerged from the back office. His spine was very straight, his face impassive; the only thing that gave him away was the slight tension around his mouth and the carefully shielded look in his eyes, as tired as dishwater.

�My mother has booked her flight,� he said to Steven, his voice so low that he could barely be heard. �She�ll be here tomorrow.�

�Yes,� said Steven, placing a hand on the boy�s arm. �And as soon as your father calls, we�ll let you know.�

Ryder nodded. With a liquid gesture he removed himself from Steven�s grasp and walked across the office, heading toward the door.

�Are you going to be all right?� asked Steven, and instantly regretted saying the words. �I mean,� he said quickly, �what do you want to do now? Do you want someone to stay with you?�

�No,� said Ryder, his voice a subdued rasp. �I�m just going to my room.�

�If you need anything��

�I won�t.�

With that he let himself out.

I wait for the day when
I will be weak like sand

Ryder walked down the hallway, listening to the sound of his own footsteps. Through the slat windows lining the main hall, the light filtered in narrow strips, the colour of it like molten metal. Without thinking he turned and stepped outside the main doors, shielding his eyes against the sun, which hovered on the horizon, turning the sky around it blaze-orange.

There were kids hanging out on the docks, enjoying the lingering warmth of the day. They dangled their feet in the water, sending up little splashes now and then with the sound of distant laughter. One guy, clad in red shorts and a white T-shirt, had stood up and was performing some sort of impromptu jig, much to the amusement of his friends. They were backlit by the sun, their faces blotted out. Nevertheless their laughter travelled, the sound of it like the discordant cries of vultures.

A wave of fury rose up in his chest, so quickly and so powerfully that he thought he was going to be sick once more. They had left her alone on that table, in that cold empty room, and these people neither knew nor cared. She was dead, and they continued to laugh and dangle their feet in the water and make jokes as though it didn�t happen. As though it didn�t matter.

His wrath made him blind. He didn�t even know that he had traversed the lawn until he found himself running down the docks, his feet striking an urgent drumbeat across the wooden floorboards. The boy in the red shorts barely had time to turn before Ryder tackled him, his fist catching the boy squarely in the jaw.

The impact took both of them off balance, and they toppled into the water, sending up glittering sprays into the vermilion light. The water was cold � it was only early spring, after all � but Ryder hardly felt it. He forced his eyes open, found a handhold on the boy�s collar, and he tackled him again in the waist-deep water, pushing him under the surface, punching him again and again. He may have been shouting something, words or curses; the details were insignificant now. Threads of blood spread in the water like scarlet smoke. The boy was struggling in his vicelike grip, and there were hands all over him, pulling him up, pulling him back. People were shouting, incomprehensible things, terrible things, and the sky must have been burning. He could feel his fingers being wrenched apart; the boy was taken from him. There was a horrible din surrounding him, piercing his eardrums, something caught between a scream of rage and an anguished wail, and he knew that if it didn�t stop soon he would go crazy for good.

It wasn�t until they dragged him out of the water that he realised it was him; he was the one making that sound.

He found himself kneeling on the edge of the docks, soaked to the bone, his hair dripping so much water into his face that he could see only blurred spots of colour in front of him. Someone was shouting something still. He was breathing in giant, painful gasps; a breeze swirled over the lake, catching his damp skin, and it felt like knives.

�Ryder!� Someone grabbed him by the shoulders. �Ryder!�

He blinked, shook his wet hair out of his eyes, and looked up.

Finn was staring down at him, his face very white. �Ryder,� he said again, pulling him to his feet. �Let me take you back to your room.�

�But Finn��

�Finn, aren�t you gonna��

�He just attacked me��

�This is so unfair��

�Guys, please. I saw what happened, but� I can�t go into it right now. We�ll talk later. I have to��

Ryder looked around blankly. Boys surrounded them, one gushing blood from his nose, and they were saying things whose meanings he ought to know. He understood the words, but strung together they made no sense at all. What did they know of injustice, when they were still standing here, still in the sunshine, still talking, still dripping blood onto the floorboards? Without another word he shook his arms free of Finn�s grasp, heading toward the dorms.

�Ryder!� Finn interrupted his own narrative, chasing after him. �Wait!�

They threw strangely elongated shadows across the grass as they went, the grey buildings ahead of them looming ominously in the fading light. The sun had almost completely disappeared beyond the horizon.

***
Hamilton and Scout�s room

�Hey man,� Hamilton grinned as he ran into the dorm room and found Scout sitting on the bed. �Aren�t you supposed to be getting ready for your big date? Why is it so dark in here?�

He flicked the switch. The lights snapped on and for a moment Scout froze on the bed, blinking slowly as though he didn�t know where he was or how he came to be here.

�Yeah,� he murmured after a moment, turning around.

�I gotta get to my parents� place,� Hamilton said, quickly straightening his shirt in the mirror. �The sit-down dinner of the week; excitement abounds. Hey,� he turned around quizzically. �You okay, man? You look a little� stoned.�

�Huh?� Scout glanced at him, his eyes strangely opaque. �Oh, I�m fine. I should start getting ready.�

�Where are you guys going, anyway?�

Scout turned his face to the window. His reflection looked back.

�Caf� Valentino,� he said. �In Carson. We have a� history with that place.�

�I know what you mean,� Hamilton grinned, letting himself out. �Me and Jake are the same with that seafood place out on the pier. Anyway, have fun. I�ll see you later.�

�See ya.�

The door closed behind Hamilton. Scout turned to the window again; his white face gave him a small smile from the black glass.

�Time to go,� he said.

***
Ryder�s room

Finn escorted Ryder back to his room and, without a word, took Ryder�s cigarettes and lit up for both of them. �Screw the rules,� he said as he took a long drag, walking over to the window.

Ryder stared down at the glowing tip of his cigarette, looking as though he had no idea what to do with it.

�I know you�re angry,� Finn said after a moment of silence, pouring a glass of water from the pitcher on the dresser. �But��

�You know nothing,� Ryder said. He tossed the cigarette onto the floor, still untouched, grinding it under his heel. There was a sharp smell of burning wool, and when he removed his foot a small charred spot was left on the carpet, ringed with ash. He studied it, intently, the way a fortune-teller might bend over a new configuration of runes.

Finn sighed. �Look,� he said, handing the glass to Ryder. �I�m not asking you to calm down. I�m not even asking you to�� he exhaled, turning away. �To accept anything right now. But what happened just then� I need you to stop running around the school when you�re like this, when you�re��

Crack.

For a moment he thought the sound came from outside, and he looked out over the quad, furrowing his brow. But then he saw his reflection in the window, and behind him Ryder, one hand resting on his knee as though he were still holding onto his glass. But he wasn�t.

�Oh my god,� Finn exclaimed, swirling around and dashing to Ryder�s side. He snatched up Ryder�s hand: the glass had splintered when he crushed it; there was a handful of jagged edges, the water had sloshed all around his feet, mixed with rivulets of blood. �Oh my god,� he said again, looking around frantically. �Where do you keep your towels?�

Ryder simply tilted his head, studying his hand as though it belonged to somebody else. The light caught his eyes; they were a dense, cloudy grey, and as his gaze travelled over his bloodstained hand his expression did not change at all.

�Ryder!� Finn exclaimed and, getting no response, swore loudly and ran out the door.

A few minutes later he ran back upstairs, winded from the sudden sprint but with the dormitory first-aid box in hand. He was running so fast that, upon turning the corner, he promptly crashed into Will, sending the boy staggering back. �Whoa,� Will exclaimed. �What�s going on, Finn? What happened this afternoon��

�I�m sorry,� Finn panted, shoving him aside, �I can�t talk, I gotta��

�Finn, wait!� Will exclaimed, running after him. �I�m really worried, what happened this afternoon, why did you have to��

He came to a stop in Ryder�s doorway, his eyes widening as he took in the sight before him.

�Not now, Will,� said Finn, and he shut the door in Will�s face.

Will stood out in the hall, knowing that he should go on his way, but he found that he could not move. Instead he leaned against the wall, shoving his hands in his pockets.

The tendril of doubt from the afternoon had expanded in his chest, feeling like a bubble of ice pressing up against his ribcage. There would be a simple and insignificant answer to everything, he told himself; he tried to blot out the thoughts that drew a clear correlation between Ryder, Josh and Scout, and still more the seed of resentment that he, Will Krudski, was not considered part of it.

But why would he be? He asked himself silently, pursing his lips. He was just a friend to her, after all. The best friend of the boyfriend. And that had to be the way it stayed; he wasn�t about to jeopardise his friendship with Scout � again � over something like this.

Still, he needed to make sure she was all right. The entire evening had been weird; he had to find out what was going on. He nodded to himself, leaned back against the wall, and waited.

He hadn�t kept an eye on his watch. Finn emerged from Ryder�s room eventually, however, looking simultaneously flustered and drained. Closing the door behind him, he jumped when Will tapped him on the shoulder. �God, Will,� he demanded, turning around. �Why are you still here?�

�I wanted to find out what�s going on,� said Will, with an imploring look. �Things have been� strange tonight. What happened, Finn? Is everything okay?�

Finn turned. His eyes were deeply shadowed, so much so, in fact, that they looked almost black. Silently he placed an arm around Will�s shoulder and guided the boy away from Ryder�s door.

Will obliged, gazing at him all the while, the hint of worry in his eyes growing into something more tangible.

They stopped at the stairwell. �Finn,� Will said again. �Is everything okay?�

Finn exhaled, meeting Will�s eyes. The boy�s gaze was inquisitive but wavering, as though it were unwittingly betraying a degree of apprehension that even Will himself, perhaps, could not comprehend in its entirety.

And in that respect, Finn mused, he was right.

�No,� he said. �Everything�s not okay.�

Part Six

The Dean�s house

�I�m home,� called Hamilton as he walked into his parents� entrance hall. �Sorry I�m late.�

The dining room was dark. He walked closer, furrowing his brows, but there was no one at the table. The oven wasn�t even on. �Where is everybody?� he asked loudly, turning into the lounge.

�Hey,� he said as he saw his parents seated by the unlit fireplace, �what�s up? Are we ordering take-out or something?�

They turned, and for a moment neither spoke. The Kate stood up and, with unnatural speed and fierceness, crossed the room and gathered him in a bone-crushing hug. �Munchie,� she exclaimed, her voice crackling with emotion. �Oh, god��

He let himself be hugged, fighting for breath under her forceful grasp. As she drew back he gave her an uncertain grin. �What�s up, mom? You�re freaking me out.�

�Oh, Hamilton,� she murmured, glancing over her shoulder. �I� we��

�Hamilton,� Steven said, getting to his feet also. �We have something to tell you. Please sit down.�

***
Carson: Caf� Valentino

�Reservation for two, please,� said Scout to the Maitre D�, handing over his coat. �Calhoun at seven.�

�Very good, sir,� said the Maitre D�, looking inquisitively up from the bookings list. �Will someone be joining you shortly?�

�She�s coming.� Scout gave him a faint smile.

The Maitre D� smiled back, picking up a couple of menus. �Why don�t I show you to your seat?�

***
Josh�s room

It was completely dark when Josh woke up. His stereo was still playing the same song that he had set on repeat earlier, but that wasn�t what woke him. His mind fuzzy with sleep and a vague, nightmarish sense of uneasiness, he sat up and looked around him.

Reality crept back like smoke, first pervading the edges of his consciousness, then filtering through and through until it obscured all other thought. He could feel a tense emptiness forming in the base of his throat, and as the truth settled in he closed his eyes, pressing a hand to his mouth, and he wasn�t sure if he did it because he was about to cry again, or throw up, or maybe both. Only then did he realise that someone was knocking on the door, and that was what had woken him in the first place.

Dully, he navigated through the darkness, turning off the stereo before he opened the door.

Finn stood outside, his features made indistinct by the hallway lights behind him. �Hey,� he said softly. �Just wanted to check in on you.�

Without a word Josh beckoned him to enter. He closed the door after Finn stepped inside tentatively, casting the room into darkness once more. There was only the faint blue-tinged light coming in from the windows, a mixture of moonlight and the soft lamps down by the quad.

He sat back down on the bed and gestured for Finn to do the same. Finn obliged, and for a moment there was silence.

�I brought a sandwich for you,� Finn said, handing him a plastic-wrapped package.

Josh took it, and without looking put it on the bedside table. �Thanks,� he said. �I�m not hungry.�

After a moment Finn said, �She�d want you to eat.�

Josh glanced at him, the look in his eyes sharp and inquisitive. Finn didn�t return the gaze.

�I will,� Josh said at length. �I�m just� I can�t eat right now.�

Finn nodded, staring down at his hands. They were folded neatly in his lap, as though in prayer.

�Ryder�s not doing too good,� he said softly. �I felt like I should be keeping an eye on all of you.�

�I�m not about to go and do something stupid, if that�s what you mean.�

�I have to say I�m relieved to hear that.�

�I was supposed to go with her today,� Josh said after a pause, with a slight tremor to his voice.

�What do you mean?�

�She asked me to go to Carson with her. I had band practice, otherwise�� There was another pause, and Josh pressed a hand over his face, exhaling sharply as if he were stifling a sob.

�I should have been there,� he said after a pause, taking a deep, shuddering breath. �I should be with her.�

�No,� Finn said, turning to him, �don�t say that��

�Why?� Josh asked, his voice cracking as he turned away, the moonlight catching the new tear tracks on his face. �I just want to know� how� why is it her and not me? She�s the one who loves life, not me. I�m weak, and I screw things up beyond all repair, and sometimes I hate this fucking miserable existence and I just don�t understand� why it had to be��

He couldn�t go on. Getting to his feet abruptly, he crossed the room and grabbed a handful of Kleenex from the dresser.

Finn watched silently as Josh turned his back on him and dabbed at his eyes, looking as though he was fighting desperately for some semblance of control. His reflection in the dresser mirror was muted and indistinct, like a ghost from the darkness.

�She loves life,� Josh whispered. �More than anybody I know. She loves it so much� much more than me.� A sob broke past his defences and he leaned forward, gripping the dresser tightly with both hands. �It�s not fair,� he murmured, his shoulders trembling with restraint. �It should�ve been me.�

�Josh��

�It doesn�t make any sense,� said Josh, softly, turning around. He wiped away another tear. �Not for someone who loves life as much as her.�

�I don�t think�� Finn swallowed. �I don�t think it�s about making sense, Josh. I wish it were that simple, I wish��

�I still can�t believe it, you know?� Josh said, looking completely unaware that he was interrupting. �I still think� I�m standing here and I still think that this can�t be real. That none of this can be real. I just want to wake up, you know? I wanna wake up and she�d be here and life wouldn�t be so fucking hard, and�� He broke off, burying his face in his hands.

Finn watched him, licking his dry lips, but he could think of nothing to say.

�I never believed in God,� Josh said after another moment. He lifted his head; in the moonlight it seemed as though his face was streaked with silver. �I never believed in life after death, or any of that. I figured once I died, I wouldn�t be there, anyway, to care.� He gave a strangled laugh. �But I never thought about this; I never thought that she�d be the one� to��

He closed his eyes, lifting his chin as though composing himself for an unseen fall.

�Tell me,� he murmured. �Please tell me there�s something after this.�

Finn stared at him, speechless.

�Just tell me she�s still out there somewhere.� Josh whispered. �That she�s in a happier place. That she can see us and understand.�

�Josh, I��

�Just tell me,� Josh said, his voice breaking. He opened his eyes. �Just tell me she�s not really gone.�

Finn had to look away, then, discreetly dragging the back of his hand across his cheek. �You better get some sleep, Josh,� he said in a hoarse whisper, getting to his feet. �I�ll come check on you tomorrow morning, okay?�

Josh didn�t move as Finn let himself out. A brief interval of brightness, and the door closed again, leaving behind only the misty silver-blue light, as though it were shining from underwater.

***
Carson: Caf� Valentino

�I know you like this restaurant,� Scout said softly. �We came here, the first day I met you.�

There was a lone candle on the table, its soft flame wavering as though undecided whether to leave or stay. He reached out across the embossed tablecloth; his hands clasped each other as though he were holding onto something else, something altogether different.

�Of course,� he said, tilting his head with a vague smile. �We didn�t get to eat here. Had to cover for Jake and Hamilton on their secret date. But� that�s not exactly important. We�re here now.�

�Sir?�

He glanced up. A waiter stood beside him, uncertainty written all over his face. �You�ve been here for a half hour,� he said apprehensively. �Would you like to� order now?�

�I have to wait for my date to make up her mind,� said Scout.

The waiter glanced at the empty seat across the table. �What do you mean, sir?� he asked quizzically.

Scout gave him an irritated look. �Please give us five more minutes.�

The waiter peered at the empty seat again, a concerned crease settling into his forehead. With another look over his shoulder, he walked back to the waiting station and discreetly beckoned for the Maitre D�.

Scout didn�t notice. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew the ring box and laid it on the table. �I waited a long time to do this,� he said.

He opened the box, picking the ring up between his thumb and forefinger as he examined the silver insignia. �It�s a family heirloom. And believe me, I�m not, like, proposing. It�s just� you made me who I am, Faye. I don�t know who I would�ve been if I didn�t meet you.�

He swallowed, lifting his gaze. His pupils were dilated, his eyes losing focus even as he looked across the table. �And I think that�s a good reason,� he continued, his lips curving upwards in a ghost of a smile. �Probably the best reason anyone could have. I can�t think of a better way to tell you this.�

�Excuse me, Mr. Calhoun?�

Scout looked up with a faint scowl. �Kinda busy here.�

The Maitre D� looked down at him, his expression one of mingled unease and pity. �Sir,� he said, �I think it�d be best if we ask you to leave.�

The expression on Scout�s face was impassive. He gazed at the Maitre D�, saying nothing.

�We think�� the man paused delicately. �We think it might be good if you were to, uh, go home for the night. Do you need� is there someone who could escort you? We could make a call.�

�No, that won�t be necessary,� Scout said after a moment, getting to his feet. �Yeah, okay.�

�Are you sure you�ll be able to get home by yourself?� the Maitre D� asked as he accompanied Scout to the front door. Despite his insistent grasp his voice was warm, and when he opened the door for Scout, the look in his eyes was one of genuine concern.

Not that Scout noticed. �Myself�� he murmured, glancing back over his shoulder. His table was already being cleared; the waiters were, however, still looking at him furtively, averting their eyes when their gazes met. For a moment a cloud seemed to pass over his face; there was a look of uncertainty, even a spark of desolation.

But he turned back with a small smile. �I think I�ll be fine,� he said, taking his coat from the front counter. �Thank you.�

�Have a good evening,� said the Maitre D�, his pleasant tone concealing something much more dubious as he watched Scout make his way out the door.

�Home,� Scout murmured to himself, raising his eyes to the sky. �Gotta get home.�

***
Main Street

The Flemings� station wagon pulled to a stop outside Bella�s house. Before the car came to a complete stop, Hamilton had already jumped out, landing roughly on the asphalt. Through the lighted windows he could see Bella, Jake, Will and Sean inside the lounge, huddled in a close group as though trying to shelter themselves from cold. He started toward them, swallowing hard as he went.

�Munchie,� Kate called, rolling down the driver-side window. �Do you want me to� come in with you?�

He shook his head mutely.

�Well� okay,� she said, biting her lip. �Just� give me a call when you want to be picked up, okay? Or you can stay over with your friends, if Charlie doesn�t mind� just call us either way.�

He nodded, sticking his hands deep inside his pockets. She stared at him for a moment longer before she gave him a wavering smile, rolled up the window and drove away, the sound of the quiet engine cutting through the stillness of the night.

He turned back to the gas station, opened the door, and stepped inside.

�Oh god, Hamilton,� Jake exclaimed, jumping up and rushing to his side. They hugged; it wasn�t so much a hug as a desperate clinging, as though they had been cast adrift and had just found something that could save them from drowning. She was crying. �God,� she said again, burying her face in his shoulder, her body racking with sobs. �I�m so glad you�re here��

Bella was sobbing into her hands, oblivious to her surroundings, but the boys had looked up and gave him a nod in greeting. Still holding onto Jake, Hamilton walked to the couch and sank down before it, feeling like his knees would give out at any moment.

�When�� he asked, swallowing hard. �When did you guys find out?�

�Finn told me,� Will said, with a blank look. �Earlier. He called Ryder and Josh and Scout to the Dean�s office this afternoon and I thought something was wrong then, but� I didn�t know��

�Oh my god, Scout,� Hamilton murmured.

�How� how did it happen?� Bella choked out, reaching for another handful of tissues. Her eyes were already bloodshot, and even as she dabbed at them they filled with new tears. �I don�t understand� Was there� was there anyone else?�

�There wasn�t another car,� Will said, his voice quiet and flat. �She lost control at a turn and� there was a tree in the way��

�There was a deer, right?� Bella murmured, looking up at him. �She had to swerve?�

He swallowed and shook his head slowly. �They don�t think so. She was just driving too fast.�

She looked like she were about to say something, but in the end she merely shook her head and closed her eyes, pressing both hands over her face.

�It can�t be true,� Sean muttered, staring down at the floor. �It just can�t. They must�ve made some kind of mistake.�

�My dad went down to the hospital,� said Hamilton, his voice very quiet. �He saw�� he clenched his jaw, looking away. �He saw the body.�

�Oh my god,� Jake choked out, tightening her hold on him. He hugged her back, swallowing hard.

Will met Hamilton�s eyes. �Was Scout and the others with him?�

�I don�t know,� Hamilton replied. There was a sudden furrow in his brow.

�Ryder would�ve been there,� Will murmured, dropping his gaze. �He�s the next of kin. He would have had to identify the body. Maybe Josh and Scout went with him. It would make sense.�

�God,� Bella lifted her head suddenly. �What the hell are you doing, Will? How can you just� sit there and talk about this like� like��

He turned his pale eyes on her, his expression decidedly blank. �Like what, Bella?�

�Like you don�t care!� she exclaimed, her breath catching as another tear rolled down her face. �God, what�s wrong with you?�

�Bella, don�t,� Sean interjected, placing a hand on her arm. �Just don�t, okay? We�re all tryin� to deal.�

Will stared at Bella for another second, but then he merely turned away. For a few moments the room was silent save for the girls� soft sobbing.

�Scout,� Hamilton said, suddenly, lifting his head. His voice was charged with panic. �Oh my god, Scout.�

�What is it, Hamilton?� Jake asked, wiping her eyes.

�I talked to him!� he exclaimed incredulously. �Just before dinner! He must�ve known by then� he must�ve� but he acted like nothing was wrong! He said he was going on his date!�

The others stared at him. �What?� Sean asked, shaking his head. �That� that doesn�t make sense.�

�I know! But I saw him! I talked to him! He seemed fine!�

�Hamilton,� Jake murmured. �I don�t understand what you�re saying.�

�I�m saying he�s gone to Carson,� Hamilton exclaimed, jumping to his feet. �He went on his freaking date.�

The others stared up at him. �That�s not� possible, Hamilton,� Will said softly.

�I�m only telling you what I saw,� Hamilton said, setting his jaw. �Look, I dunno what�s going on, but I think we should find him, don�t you? For all we know Scout�s out there, driving around like he doesn�t know or care that his girlfriend just� just�� he shook his head, unable to get the words out. �Look, are you coming with me or not? We gotta check the dorms, and if he�s not there, I think we should go to Carson. I don�t know what he�s doing but I know we can�t leave him alone out there.�

�I�ll come with you,� Jake said quietly, getting to her feet. �I don�t know what�s going on, but you�re right. He shouldn�t be alone right now.�

Mutely, Will and Sean stood up also. Bella remained on the couch, her head buried in her hands. A moment later she looked up at her friends, tears welling in her eyes once more.

�What are you saying?� she murmured. �That he�s in some sort of denial? That he�s� lost his mind?�

�I don�t know, Bella,� Hamilton answered, his expression grim. �But look, we gotta go, all right? We can�t just leave him running around alone out there. So are you coming or not?�

�God, everything is so messed up,� she said with another soft sob, standing up. �I don�t know what to do.�

�We�ll take your truck,� Sean said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he guided her toward the door. �I�ll drive. We�ll go to Rawley first, see if he�s in the dorms.�

*Delerium�s �Silence� begins to play*

�And if he isn�t?� Jake asked Hamilton as they followed, her voice quiet and plaintive.

Holding her close, he pressed his lips to her forehead, and did not answer.

***
Ryder�s room

Ryder sat on the floor, leaning back against his bed with his legs stretched out in front of him. He had spent his time looking alternately out the window at the night sky, and down at his bandaged right hand, which was thickly wrapped in white gauze.

He could feel the thing inside him, swift and noxious. He thought it would feel cold, but it didn�t; it was a restless feeling, faintly metallic, like mercury spreading in his blood. It had turned his heart hollow.

He clenched his bandaged hand; it hurt, and he could see the faint hue of blood seeping through the gauze. The sight of it seemed to dispel the poison inside him somehow, or perhaps it was the sensation of it, the sudden stab of pain driving out the deeper, inchoate terror. He was briefly and surprisingly glad for it.

The trashcan sat in the far corner, with nothing inside except for a bundle of newspaper. He knew what the bundle contained: more bloodstained gauze, pieces of shattered glass. As he stared at it an idea came to him, plainly, at once logical and brilliant. It seemed fitting, somehow; it seemed like something that should be done.

Flexing his injured hand again and savouring the brief bright sensation, he made his way across the room and sat down against the wall, taking the bundle of newspaper from the trash. He opened it: there was a surprising amount of blood there; the glass shards could have been red-tinted from the very beginning.

He laid the paper out flat in front of him. The overhead light gleamed dully off the uneven edges, the smears of blood like rich wine.

With slow and deliberate attention, he ran his finger over the shards, lightly, until he found the one he wanted.

Give me release, witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides

He picked it up and examined it. It was one of the larger pieces, broken cleanly with a keen edge. There wouldn�t be any splinters; there would only be quick, liberating pain, the type that was easiest to administer to oneself. It was a welcoming thought. It would, he mused, be like floating out to sea.

With a gentle firmness he rolled up his sleeve, exposing an expanse of pale skin. Not the wrist; he had no intention of permanence. He�d only wanted some respite from the sensation of being tethered to the earth, a brief moment of removal. He rested the edge of the glass against his arm, not yet applying pressure. It felt like a kind of tenderness.

The door opened; there was a moment of silence. He did not look up, nor did he remove the piece of glass from his arm. He knew who it was; he knew, also, that Josh would understand.

Passion chokes the flower
Until she cries no more
Possessing all the beauty
Hungry still for more

�Ryder,� Josh�s voice was a mere whisper. He stepped into the room, closing the door softly behind him. �Don�t.�

�You know why I have to.�

�I know it�s easier,� Josh said after a moment, pressing his back against the door. �I know it�d feel like you�re doing something useful.�

�And I knew you�d understand,� Ryder said, pressing down on the glass. The edge bit into his skin, the feel of it sharp and brittle, but not yet hard enough to draw blood.

�I understand,� Josh said. He didn�t move. �Doesn�t mean you should do it.�

�Why not,� Ryder said, keeping his eyes on the broken shard. His fingers slipped a little; without his noticing it, his hand had become clammy with cold sweat. The skin beneath the glass moved with the sudden jerk; just a little more speed to it, and there would be a neat incision. There would be relief; there would be a cleansing, of sorts.

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides

�She did it, you know,� Josh whispered, closing his eyes as though the light was hurting him. �A long time ago. She did it to herself. Just like that.�

�All the more reason.� Ryder gave a short, humourless laugh. �Rather fitting, wouldn�t you say?�

�No,� Josh whispered, opening his eyes again. They were shimmering with tears. �Ryder, don�t do this. There are other ways� talk to me��

�I could let out my feelings, and then everything would be better?� Ryder could feel the corner of his mouth lifting in a cold smirk, even though he could feel something else inside of him, twisting upwards, hot and acrid. �Sorry, Joshua. You should know it doesn�t work like that.�

�She knew it wasn�t right, Ryder. She stopped herself; if she�s here she wouldn�t want you��

�WELL, SHE�S NOT FUCKING HERE ANYMORE!�

For a moment Ryder didn�t understand that it was he who had shouted those words; he didn�t understand the wave of anguish that overtook him, the hot rush, the bright blur that blotted out his vision. It wasn�t until Josh crossed the floor in two or three quick strides, gathering him up in a hold so tight it felt like drowning, that Ryder finally realised he was crying. He tried so hard to say something, make sense out of words, make sense of the world around him, as he pressed his face into Josh�s shoulder and howled like there was a demon inside him trying to break free. His surroundings had been bleached away; he was only dimly aware of losing himself in the overwhelming grief, the ragged, gasping sobs that seemed to turn his lungs to fire.

Very faintly, somewhere in the depths of this terrible vast whiteness, he registered that Josh was crying with him. And that, despite everything, he was not alone.

They clung to each other, a tangled, desperate blur of tears and broken sobs, here in this empty dorm room, with the harsh light flooding down.

In this white wave, I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence I believe

I can't help this longing, comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me

It had begun to rain lightly as night set in. A set of high beams pierced the fine mist, scattering it like particles of crystal.

It was Bella�s truck, en route to Carson. Sean was at the wheel, gripping it with both hands, so hard that his knuckles were white. Bella sat in the passenger�s seat, mutely looking out the window, now and again wiping away a stray tear.

Jake and Hamilton sat at the back, holding each other tightly as though drawing strength and comfort from the other�s very presence. She rested her head on his shoulder, and she had closed her eyes, chewing her lower lip as if that would help her to stop crying. He carefully stroked her hair, his eyes focused in the distance. Will sat beside them, his hands tightly clasped in his lap.

Bella gave a sudden gasp. The others turned to see what she was pointing at: a turn on the road, a grove of mangled trees cordoned off with police tape.

�Oh my god,� Jake cried, burying her face in Hamilton�s shoulder. �That�s where� that�s��

�I know, baby,� he whispered, his voice breaking. �I know.�

Up front, Bella was crying again, her whole body racking with sobs. Sean kept his eyes on the road, his jaw set, his face very white as though he were determined not to break down. None of them saw the streak of intense pain that crossed Will�s eyes as he saw the scene; the mute, intolerable grief.

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides

Scout pulled his car to a stop on the side of the highway. Leaving the high beams on, he stepped outside, listening to the soft sound as his feet made contact with the road.

The whole evening for him carried the hazy untruthfulness of a dream. There seemed to be something he had forgotten, or else elected not to remember. He went through the motions, answered when spoken to, but something didn�t seem quite right. Was he aware of what he was doing? Did he understand it? Perhaps. His memory was fading and flaring in odd places; there were things he suddenly recalled, disjointed scenes that made no sense at all.

He stepped forward into the headlights, lifting his face to the sky. It was not so much raining as misting; but as a cold damp breeze swirled past he gave a violent shiver. Closing his eyes, he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. His fingertips touched something hard but yielding at the same time; he took it out.

It was a small jewellery box, covered in navy velvet.

And as he stood there, staring down at it, the truth, the horror and the certainty struck him, all at once.

The box clattered to the ground. He was hardly aware of it. He was only aware of himself, cold and alone, standing in a blinding white band of light. She was gone; dashed away - the traces of her smile, the scent of her hair, the warm body in his bed - somewhere between the highway, the rain and the stars.

In this white wave, I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence I believe

There was the sound of an approaching car. He heard it, but it seemed very far away. He was alone here, locked inside the truth of this day, the suspended grief hanging overhead like some permanent hell waiting to swallow him whole. He was very much alone; he doubted if that would ever change.

*Scout�s voiceover begins*

�There�s this line from a movie, which goes something like this: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives; that�s true for all days except one: the day you die.�

�Scout!�

�Oh my god, Scout, are you okay��

�We�re so sorry, I�m so sorry��

There were voices, and people rushing at him from all directions. With effort he lowered his gaze and allowed himself to look around. There was Bella, and Sean, and Will behind him; there was Jake and Hamilton, forming a circle around him as though he were a thing that mattered. A confused shuffling, a cacophony of voices; someone had grabbed hold of him and pulled him into a rough, desperate hug. Elsewhere someone was crying.

He could feel his friends standing all around him, reaching out, trying to communicate something that he knew he could no longer understand. The first person had stepped back, someone else was hugging him, leaving a wet imprint of tears on his shoulder. The rain was still falling, it had grown heavier now, droplets landing on his face like a cool caress.

He could see now, very clearly, how his future would stretch out in front of him, a narrow grey road with no bends or detours, no surprises and certainly not the horizon he once thought he saw. All that there was - all that there had ever been - was him, standing here, alone with the sense of passing time.

*Scout�s voiceover continues*

�It was her favourite movie. I guess this is as good an ending as any.�

I have seen you, in this white wave
You are silent
You are breathing
In this white wave I am free

The End

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