Author�s note: If it seems to you that I�ve taken to using bigger words this episode, you�re not imagining it. I�ve just started a little notebook to increase my vocabulary, and I�m trying some of the words out. If you see something that�s not used properly � please tell me! I would love critical feedback.This episode marks the end of season 5. I�m going on hiatus now, with plans to write the YA/Matrix crossover as well to do a full-on revision of earlier episodes, so it may be a few months before I get to season 6.
Acknowledgements: Lovely Anthesiac. Hee! Also Margaret Atwood, for inspiration.
Additional disclaimer: �My world is effing huge� � infamous line from QAF:UK!Stuart, whom we�d all love to hate. Amnesia�s first song is �Zodiac Sign� by Babylon Zoo. �Brightest Star� is by Fur Patrol. �Fishing for Lisa� is by The Feelers.
Part One
Teaser
*Bright Eyes� �Lover I Don�t Have to Love� starts with the opening fade-in*
I picked you out of a crowd to talk to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said, �Thanks can I follow you?�
So it's up the stairs and out of view, no prying eyes
I poured some wine, I asked your name, you asked the time
The room was unfamiliar. The night was as black as ink, imprinting the windowpanes with its impermeable darkness. Liquor bottles littered the floor, along with cigarette butts and the occasional bit of broken glass. There were people sprawled on the bed, a mass of limbs and naked flesh. They weren�t moving. Who were they? Why didn�t he recognise any of this? It felt as though there was a scorching metal band clamped around his brain, blurring his vision with dull, persistent pain. Why couldn�t he remember what had happened? Dark clumps of what looked like hair trailed across the floor by the dresser with the large mirror. There was a pair of sharp-looking scissors on the ground. The room swayed unsteadily in his vision as he forced himself into a kneeling position, everything around him swimming in and out of focus. On his hands and knees, he crawled toward the dresser. A sudden burst of pain shot up from his palm; he must have cut it on a shard of glass. He didn�t bother to look down. He placed both his hands on the cheap plywood of the dresser and pulled himself up. The night was murky and stifling, like water at the bottom of a swamp; and he didn�t even know what he was looking for. What he needed to pull him out of this nightmare.
Now it's two o'clock, the club is closed, we're up the block
Your hands on me, pressing hard against your jeans, your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know, who else may have been you before
A cloud slid by in the deep indigo sky, like a silent, prowling animal. The waxing moon is suddenly and unexpectedly revealed, sending a shaft of silver light piercing through the night.
Something stared back at him, bleached-bone white, hollowed eyes and cheeks, bearing a startling resemblance to a grinning skull. Uneven black hair stuck up haphazardly around this ghoulish face, looking as though someone had hacked at it with a blunt knife. There was a glint in the depths of the sunken eye sockets, a gleam of something that he thought he recalled.
The knowledge drove home like an icy blade when Josh Sutherland realised that he was looking at his own reflection.
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said he'd meet us here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
You said it feels good, I said I'll give it a try
He remembered. There was an unplanned gig in Carson, a band had pulled out of its regular slot and the club manager had called Amnesia to play in its place. Most of the gig itself was a total blank, perhaps even at the time, let alone in the dull miasma of his memory. He had downed half a bottle of vodka before Bella Banks caught him at it and took the bottle away. He must have played like crap. He remembered the blonde girl in the crowd. He remembered her coming up to him after the gig, as he was stumbling towards Alex�s van with his equipment, tripping over the leads lying like waiting snakes on the ground. He remembered smiling a drowsy smile and asking to bum a cigarette. She had a British accent, and her eyes were grey, like ashes. He remembered his bandmates, standing very close together, huddled in a small group without him, identical expressions of apprehension lining their faces as he told them not to bother waiting. He remembered following the girl up a set of narrow stairs that never seemed to end, kissing her in a dark hallway reeking of damp garbage and spilled beer. He remembered a bed, sordid details. More cigarettes, more vodka. Some other people joining in. A boy, perhaps� another girl? It didn�t matter. He knew his own capacity for sexual misadventure. A quiet but manic laugh bubbled up in his throat and he let it spill out into the sad, silent night.
Then my mind went dark, we both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train, I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits, some sad singers they just play tragic
Now the phone's ringing, and the band's leaving
Let's just keep touching, let's just keep, keep singing
Rawley Boys� Academy
The glowing red numbers on the digital clock informed Ryder Forrest that it was 3:53am. He lay in bed with his eyes wide open, staring up at the ceiling, his hands clenching at his sides. He shivered; it felt like an icebox in this room. Maybe the Rawley caretaker forgot to switch on the air-conditioning. The dormitory was still, silent except for the wind outside, whistling an eerie tune through the trees devoid of leaves. If he really focused, he thought he could hear the faint lapping of the lake. But it was more likely that he was imagining it � he knew the lake had already frozen over near the shore. The heart of winter was approaching, bringing with it a pale, frigid calm.
Almost involuntarily, he again turned his head to check the clock. 3:54am. His gaze slid past the phosphorescent numbers to the empty bed on the other side of the room. There seemed to be a cold fist gripping something inside his chest, and as he stared at the neatly-made bed, he could feel that grip tighten, a sharp, empty ache, like a disease, something carcinogenic almost, eating away his insides one minute at a time.
3:55am. He wished he could get some sleep.
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you, but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do! I do!
Then hurt me�
The room was still dark, and Josh had no idea what time it was. But more memories were coming back, crashing over him with a sound like rolling thunder, pinning him down with the weight of their anger and their despair. He remembered slipping in and out of sleep among the spent bodies on the bed. He remembered dressing himself while taking swigs out of an increasingly empty bottle � he didn�t even know what it contained, and he did not care. He remembered seeing his reflection and wanting to put a fist through the mirror. There was a pair of scissors lying on the dresser, shining enticingly under the dim moonlight, like a metallic dream, something to take him out of this world. Then he was cutting off his hair, frantically, as though in doing so he could step out of his own skin. He cut and hacked and shredded, watching locks of black hair fall away from his gaunt face. He may have been crying; he may have nicked himself with the sharp blade. Did it matter? The painful buzzing inside his head grew to a piercing roar and everything went black and that was all he could remember.
Then hurt me
Then hurt me.
Then hurt me�
Part Two
*Opening credits and theme music*
Rawley Boys� Academy
It was a cold, bright morning, the last day of school before winter break, not yet time for first period. Occasionally, a studious student scurried by the teaching block, getting to class early; but for the most part the building was empty, its classrooms yet devoid of its usual inhabitants during the school day.
The peaceful silence was broken when the heavy mahogany front door, closed to ward off the bitter winter chill, swung open and hit the wall with a sudden bang.
Pagan Leigh stood in the doorway, his tall, lithe body taut like a piece of strung wire. His eyes were bloodshot, as though he hadn�t slept well in days; his hands were clenched into tight fists by his side. Forgoing his usual bohemian clothing, he was dressed in dark, muted colours, greys and sombre black, monochromatic and strangely fitting. There was an icy glint in his eyes, much colder than the December air outside, more determined than people who knew him would have thought possible.
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�Freedom. When I was younger, I thought it had a simple meaning, something along the lines of escaping the confines of my home, or this small town. But the more I experience these days, the more I realise freedom has many shades and meanings, not all of them as straightforward as my own.�
Quickly and purposefully, Pagan began to stride toward the teachers� wing, his eyes trained firmly on the Dean�s office at the end of the corridor. There was a small, grim smile playing about his lips, though his eyes betrayed no hint of amusement.
Before he quite got that far, however, Finn turned the corner. The teacher had just been to the showers, evidenced by the tendrils of damp hair that curled around his handsome face, and a white towel slung around his neck. He was clad in a casual sweat-suit and was in the process of zipping up his Rawley hoodie when he nearly ran into Pagan. �Hey,� he skidded to a stop and smiled at the boy, �where are you off to in such a hurry, Pagan?�
�I have to see the Dean,� Pagan said as he brushed by, with so much careless impertinence that Finn�s smile abruptly disappeared.
�Hold on, Mr. Leigh,� Finn narrowed his eyes at the boy, his voice hardening with a hint of warning, �need I remind you that this is not the tone of voice we expect to be directed at the teaching staff?�
Pagan stopped and turned around, somewhat reluctantly. �Sorry,� he said, his eyes darting to the floor, �I didn�t mean to be rude. I just really need to talk to the Dean.�
�Dean Fleming isn�t here,� Finn said, �he�s in a Board meeting. You�ll be lucky if he gets out before dinner. Can I help?�
For a moment something sparked in Pagan�s eyes, something resembling panic but more resentful somehow, almost a little desperate. He stood there for a moment, silently contemplating Finn, his eyes a turbulent midnight blue in the artificial light that showered the halls.
�Fine,� he finally said, �you�re a teacher. Letting you know is just as good as the Dean himself.�
�What is it?� Finn furrowed his brows, �This sounds serious.�
A trace of mockery lined Pagan�s lips as he smiled faintly. �Yeah, you can say that. Jake Pratt � you know him, right? � He�s a girl.�
For a moment, Finn felt as though his blood stopped circulating. Something flashed in his mind like lightning, a scene taken place one dark and rainy night, a bracing winter just like this. He remembered Hamilton Fleming leaning against the door of his office, his eyes glittering in the dark with equal parts determination and suffering. �What,� he said weakly, and the word that came out of his mouth did not sound remotely like a question. Because, of course, he knew that it wasn�t necessary.
�She�s been dressing up as a guy to go to the boys� school,� Pagan continued, his voice growing agitated and rapid, as though he were afraid of being interrupted before he�d divulged all the information. �I know this because my parents�� A shadow crossed his face when he uttered the word, but Finn, in his own uneasiness, did not notice. �My parents saw her as a girl. She�s been tricking the school for as long as she�s been here, she�s not a guy at all, I�m sure you can prove it. I don�t know how she did it for so long but you�ve got to believe me, she�s��
�Pagan,� Finn said faintly. �Are you sure? Jake?�
Pagan stopped speaking. The look he gave to Finn was bone-chilling; his blue eyes now almost black and shaded with venomous loathing. �Jake Pratt is a girl,� he said again, gritting his teeth, �I bet the Dean would be interested to know about this.�
For once, Finn was genuinely lost for words. He stared at the dark-haired boy standing opposite him, the fervid, hateful light shining in his eyes, and thought about all the times when he�d wondered, alone in his office, late at night, when Jake�s secret would come into the open. When everything would blow up in her face. When the delicate equilibrium she�d established at Rawley Boys�, not just hers but Hamilton�s as well, and that of their friends � when all that would disappear like a puff of smoke, like a white fog struck by sunlight. He opened his mouth and could think of nothing to say.
�Well?� Pagan stared at him expectantly. �What are you going to do?�
�I�� Finn said again, the word catching somewhere in the back of his throat. �I�ll let the Dean know and we�ll check this out, Pagan. Thanks.�
The boy�s eyes widened, �That�s all? I tell you a girl�s been living in the boys� dorms for a year and a half and all you can say is thanks? Don�t you believe me?�
�We will treat this as any other allegation,� Finn began delicately, his role as teacher and guardian slipping back into him as the words came out more and more easily. �We will listen to your side, Pagan, but you have to realise this is a serious matter and we must talk to the people involved��
�She�s a girl!� Pagan exclaimed, his voice echoing in the empty corridor. �I don�t care how you find out, but make sure you do. She�s even more of an idiot than I think she is if she thought she could keep this a secret!�
�Pagan,� Finn said hesitantly, �you seem to have a lot of personal interest in this��
�Yeah,� the boy turned away abruptly. �Let�s just say she�s ripped my family apart. You�d better talk to the Dean soon, Finn. I can promise you I�m not lying.�
�I never said you were�� Finn began, but Pagan shook his head and strode away, almost as quickly as he�d come. Finn stared after him, and it was only then that he realised his fists were clenched tightly at his sides, as though in demonstration of his own powerlessness.
***
Josh and Ryder�s room
Ryder sat down on his bed and looked lethargically at his surroundings. The silvery morning sunlight that poured through the windows had a transparent, almost blinding quality to it, as though made of something much sharper and more defined than mere light. Was light a particle or a wave? He ought to know that from physics class, yet he didn�t. Perhaps it was both. At any rate the pale rays that lit up the room felt like neither particles nor waves; if anything, they felt like thin sheets of cold metal, almost reflective, and from them came a startling clarity.
He blinked. Clarity, indeed. For the first time in days he finally felt as though he could think logically about where he was in his life and what he was going to do from now on.
Firstly, money. Or more precisely, his lack of. True to his word, Ryder�s father had closed his trust fund, and Ryder wasn�t surprised. Nor was he surprised to see that he had clocked up pretty much nothing in savings from the past eighteen years. Saving just never struck one as something that one needed to do when one always had a silver spoon stuck firmly in one�s mouth.
What did surprise him, however, was how much everything cost when you didn�t have a steady stream of income. Bella Banks at the gas station in town certainly had a good laugh yesterday when she handed him his credit card and told him sweetly that he was maxed out.
Secondly, there was the small but difficult situation of being back in the dorms. Sure, his father was still paying for his schooling; and for that he was glad. He was distinctly less glad � uncomfortable might be a better word � for the living conditions at Rawley. For one thing, it kept him in constant contact with Josh. Or, it should have�
His reverie was interrupted by the door, which creaked open noisily. Ryder looked up in time to see Josh stagger in, looking for all intents and purposes as though he�d been put through the wringer. He shoved the door shut behind him and promptly fell, face down, onto the floor.
Ryder jumped to his feet. �Bloody hell,� he said, forgetting for a moment that he wasn�t speaking to the other boy. �Are you all right?�
A high-pitched sound like a moan rose from Josh�s general direction and Ryder took a step toward him, his heart beginning to hammer in his chest. �Are you hurt?� he demanded, �What can I do?�
The sound grew louder, and for a moment Ryder thought it a wail of pain before he realised, with a jolt, that Josh was laughing. A thin, high, maniacal stream of laughter that really betrayed no hint of mirth but he was laughing, nonetheless. Ryder took a hasty step back as Josh rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, still laughing convulsively, his body shaking in spasms that chilled Ryder as he watched. �What the hell is wrong with you?� he demanded, trying to hide his horror, �Where have you been?�
�To heaven and back, baby,� Josh stopped laughing long enough to say, and as soon as the words left his mouth he started laughing again, doubling up and clutching his stomach. �My god,� he choked out among fits of giggles, �did I have fun last night, or what? You can�t imagine� you can�t even fucking imagine� my world is so fucking huge��
Ryder could do nothing but stare, dumbfounded, at the wasted boy lying on the ground, and again he felt that invisible grip inside his chest, tightening, twisting, tying his stomach into knots.
***
Rawley Academy
The bell rang, signalling the end of first period, and boys streamed out of Finn�s classroom, glad to have English literature over for another semester. Scout Calhoun and Will Krudski trailed behind the others, walking down the hall and conversing quietly. Will had a slightly bemused look on his face, while Scout was grinning, somewhat uncharacteristically for him of late. �Dude,� he said, �why did I not know this earlier?�
�I dunno,� Will shrugged, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. �I was kinda� freaked out, I guess.�
�Why?� Scout cast him a sideways glance, �it�s not like you haven�t landed your fair share of hot girls at this place. Though,� he smirked, �Anita isn�t just hot, she�s hot.�
�I know,� Will chuckled softly.
�But I thought she hated your guts,� Scout asked quizzically. �Or you hated hers.�
�I know,� shrugged Will, �you know what they say about opposites attracting.�
�Awesome,� Scout nudged the other boy with his shoulder. �Hey, don�t look now, but speak of the hottie, 10 o�clock.�
Will glanced up, an eager glint flickering in his eyes. Indeed, Anita Simons was standing at the foot of the stairs in the main hall, clutching a couple of books to her chest and looking around impatiently. She caught sight of Will and the ghost of a smile flitted across her face. He waved, and she tilted her head, slightly, in greeting.
�Playing it cool, huh?� remarked Scout quietly as they walked toward her, to which Will only whispered an urgent �shh�.
�Hi, Anita,� the strawberry-blond boy said, a little shyly, as they approached the brunette.
�Hey Will,� she said cordially, �hi Scout.�
�Hi Anita,� Scout echoed, a confidential smile bringing shades of meaning to his expression. �I gotta go,� he said to Will, smirking. �I�ll leave you two alone.� With another meaningful grin at Anita he was gone, swallowed up by the crowd.
Will chuckled, but Anita looked suspiciously in the direction in which Scout disappeared, and narrowed her eyes. �What was that about?� she demanded.
�What?� he smiled.
�Scout,� she said irritably. �In case you haven�t noticed, he�s acting really weird. Does he know about us?�
�Yeah,� he answered slowly. �I told him. You don�t mind, do you?�
For a moment she just looked at him. �I don�t like you talking about us behind my back.�
�Chill out,� he smiled again and reached out to smooth down a strand of her hair. �Scout�s my best friend. It�s not like I was running through the school shouting �hey everyone, I�m dating Anita Simons!��
She flinched away from his touch and he withdrew his hand, looking hurt. �I just don�t like it,� she said crossly.
�What,� he asked, sticking his hands in his pockets, distinctly uncomfortable, �are you ashamed of me?�
�No,� she said quickly, and bit her lower lip. �We� our thing is personal, okay? Why do you want to tell other people about it? It�s just between us. I like it that way.�
�Okay,� he said dubiously, fighting the nervous urge to run a hand through his hair.
She smiled thinly at him. �Meet me after class?�
�In the boathouse again?� he asked, and the sentence came out strained, almost accusatory, though he did not quite mean for it to be so.
The soft light behind her dark eyes suddenly sharpened. �Why?� she snapped, �Is that not good enough for you anymore?�
�You know that�s not it,� he sighed, glancing away. �But, Anita, I�m so sick of keeping this a secret. I�m sick of always meeting in the boathouse and doing nothing but make out. Don�t you want to��
�What?� she said softly, an edge to her voice. �Go out? Date? Have a relationship?�
She spat the word out so vehemently that he recoiled. �I can�t win with you,� he said in exasperation. �Anita, why can�t we just be a normal couple like everybody else?�
For a moment she just looked at him, her dark eyes calculative from behind half-lowered lids. �Because,� she said simply, �it�s more fun.�
And then she swept away, waving gaily at her friend who had just crossed the foyer. He stared after her but she walked off, chatting animatedly with the other girl, without so much as a backward glance.
***
Back in Finn�s classroom, the last of the boys were just trickling out of the door, Jake Pratt and Hamilton Fleming among the stragglers. �Jake,� Finn called from behind, �Hamilton. Can I talk to you for a moment?�
They turned at the same time, two dark heads and the same inquisitive, slightly pensive glance. Finn felt a ripple of emotion run through him, though he couldn�t quite recognise it for what it was. Swallowing nervously, he gestured at the seats closest to his desk. �Sit.�
They sat. �What�s this about, Finn?� asked Jake, her eyes scanning uneasily over the teacher�s grave expression.
Finn steepled his fingers over the desk and looked down, not wanting to meet their eyes. Even now, he couldn�t fail to notice the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows, the floating, crystalline dust motes in the air. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
�Pagan Leigh knows, Jake.�
There was a flash of incredulous understanding across Hamilton�s face, and he suddenly sat up straight, his gaze burning into Finn�s. The teacher could do nothing but to look away. Meanwhile, a spark of fear ignited behind Jake�s eyes, though she feigned innocence. �Knows what?� she asked. �I don�t understand.�
�Drop it, Jake,� he said, suddenly weary. �I know you�re a girl. I�ve known for a long time and there�s no point hiding it from me any longer.�
She turned an abrupt, impossible shade of pale. �What?� she whispered, �How��
�That�s not important,� Finn said quickly. �What is important is that Pagan came to me this morning and told me he knows. And he�s not going to stop until the Dean knows about this. Jake, I wish I could help you but I have to take this to the Dean, and I have to go soon��
�But,� she interrupted, her gaze wildly darting between him and Hamilton, �how did you know? How did��
�Isn�t there a way you could cover this up?� Hamilton burst out, looking at the teacher imploringly, his eyes wide and tremendously blue in the sunlight. �Come on, Finn, you�ve done this before!�
�That was different.� Finn sighed heavily, �You know that. When Kevin left, he wasn�t in a position to tell anybody and have them actually believe him. But Pagan is different � I can�t hide it from the Dean if Pagan is set on telling him. All I can do is warn you two beforehand��
�I don�t understand!� cried Jake, clutching at the air in irritation. �What has this to do with Kevin? How did you find out? Why didn�t you say anything?�
�Remember what Kevin did last year?� Finn asked gently, glancing at Hamilton, who had slumped back against his chair as though shell-shocked.
�How could I forget,� she smiled bitterly. �He beat Hamilton up and saw me in the showers� Oh.� Her eyes widened, and the light inside them dulled. �He told you,� she said, more a statement than a question.
�Right before he was expelled,� Finn nodded.
�Why didn�t you say anything then?� she whispered, her eyes bright with disbelief.
He didn�t answer, but she didn�t miss the brief look he sent in Hamilton�s direction. She swirled on the other boy. �You knew about this?�
�I was the one who stopped him from telling my dad,� he said woodenly, not meeting her eyes.
She stared at him, stunned into speechlessness.
Finn cleared his throat, nervously. �Guys,� he said, �it�s out of my hands now. I�m really sorry, but I will have to go to the Dean, and soon. I just wanted to give you a heads-up first. I have no control over what happens when the Dean finds out. Do you understand me? Jake?�
She didn�t reply. Instead, she was still staring at Hamilton, who was studiously avoiding her gaze, his hands clenched tightly around the armrest of his chair.
***
Ryder and Josh�s room
�Maybe he�s concussed,� said Faye Archer, furrowing her brows at Josh�s small, supine form on the bed.
�Or maybe he just didn�t sleep all night,� Ryder suggested, sensibly.
�He looks like hell,� she said, her voice turning soft and low. Josh had one arm thrown over his face, as though trying to hide it from the sunlight that streamed in through the windows. His hair was hacked off in uneven clumps and stood up in every which way, a far cry from his careful tousle. There was a faint red line dashed across his left cheek, as though he�d accidentally nicked the skin with the tip of something very sharp.
In sleep, most people exuded innocence and frailty, Faye mused. Josh, on the other hand, looked harder when he slept, pale and silent with a sharp, brittle beauty, something that seemed capable of being broken. She turned her head, slightly, to look at her brother�s expression. Ryder was also staring at Josh, his eyes a gilded blue in the silver light. There was an expression in his gaze that she did not quite think possible, so she turned just a little more, trying to make it out for what it was. It seemed almost like longing, for an instant� but then he caught her looking and immediately withdrew his gaze, striding towards the window. �He�s making a mess of himself,� he said, gruffly.
She was about to reply when a cell phone rang shrilly, breaking the contemplative quietness that filled the room. Automatically, both she and Ryder dug into their pockets, only to realise that it was in fact Josh�s phone, which he�d set down on the dresser. Faye grabbed it. �Josh�s phone,� she said into the receiver.
�Faye?� Bella�s voice came over the line, �is that you?�
�Yeah,� Faye replied, �Josh can�t come to the phone right now. What�s up?�
�It�s our gig tonight,� Bella said. �You know Joe�s having his winter party��
�Crap, I totally forgot,� Faye clamped a hand to her forehead, �that�s tonight?�
�Yeah,� Bella�s voice was strung with agitation. �We had a gig last night and Josh went off with some girl and he said he�d make his own way back��
�Oh, he�s back all right,� Faye said darkly, glancing at the dark-haired boy on the bed, who was beginning to stir.
�Is he going to be okay for tonight�s gig?� Bella asked anxiously.
�I hope so,� Faye sighed. �But I really can�t say at this point.�
There was a pause. �Things are that bad?� asked Bella, sounding timid and dejected at the same time.
Faye sighed again, taking another look at Josh. �I�ll try to deliver him to you in one piece,� she said wearily. �Have very strong black coffee on hand.�
�Thanks,� Bella sounded as though she wanted to giggle at the last comment, but did not quite have the energy to do so. �We�re meeting at Joe�s house around six.�
�I�ll get him there,� Faye promised.
�Thanks, Faye,� the other girl hung up.
Slowly, Faye clicked off the phone and turned again to watch Josh, who was half sitting up, holding his head with a grimace of pain and looking at her through a bleary-eyed squint. �Who was that?� he croaked.
�Bella,� she said curtly. �Do you remember you have a gig tonight?�
He fell back against the pillow with a groan. �Oh, god.�
�How are you feeling?� she asked, sitting down beside him. Out of the corner of her eye she could still see Ryder staring resolutely out the window, his hands clasped behind his back.
�Like utter crap,� Josh replied, rubbing his hands over his face. �Argh!�
Ryder jumped, as did Faye. �What? What?� she demanded, �Headache? Concussion? Gonna throw up?�
�Where did all my hair go?� he asked, rather pitifully.
Ryder looked as though he didn�t know whether to laugh or snort contemptuously, so he sort of did both. Faye just rolled her eyes. �You cut it.�
�I look horrible,� Josh moaned. �I can�t play tonight. I�m fat, I have no clothes, and I have bad hair.�
�For the last time,� Faye said, with the weary resignation of somebody who went through the same process countless times. �You�re not fat. If you don�t believe me, then it�s your loss. As for clothes, I�m sure you have more than me. So quit whining and get up. Are you going to be able to play tonight?�
�Yes.� Quite unexpectedly, he threw her a resentful look, his voice growing quiet and hard-edged. He stood up, dragging half the bedcovers onto the floor in the process. �I�ve gotta go.�
�Where are you going?� she demanded sharply. �I�m supposed to be keeping an eye on you��
�I can�t play tonight with my hair looking like this, can I?� he retorted, glancing at himself in the mirror before turning away, a disgusted look crossing his expression. �I�ve got to get it fixed up.�
�Go to the salon in town,� she said quickly. �Ask for Will�s mom, she does my hair. Don�t drive all the way to Carson, who knows what other trouble you�ll land yourself in.�
�Stop mothering me,� he muttered darkly, striding toward the door. �I can look after myself.�
�Can you? � her voice came out high-pitched and strung out, almost metallic in texture.
He half-turned, and she could see that his lips were pressed into a thin line. He looked as though he wanted to say something incisive and cruel, something to fracture the mounting tension in this room, but he didn�t, in the end. �I�ll be back soon,� he said simply. And as he stepped out the door he swayed a little, as though the floor suddenly tilted upward beneath his feet. She noticed, but before she could say anything further he was gone, closing the door behind him a little louder than necessary.
�Well, that went well,� she said gloomily, glancing at Ryder.
�Hmm,� he murmured, still looking out the window with his gaze fixed on nothing in particular.
�And I may as well be talking to a brick wall,� she muttered to herself, rolling her eyes toward the ceiling. �Two of them.�
***
Rawley Academy
�Jake,� Hamilton chased after the brunette as she stormed out of the building, into the sharp, cold air that hit them like a sheet of freezing water, �I can explain��
�Explain what, exactly?� she swirled around to face him, her hazel eyes flashing. �Finn knew, for a whole year, and you didn�t even tell me? Why the HELL would you not tell me something like that?�
�Listen to me,� he said quickly, �I know it was stupid. But you�ve got to believe me that I thought it was for the best, at the time! You were under so much pressure and I couldn�t tell you��
�What about later?� she shouted, her voice tinny in the pale, frosty morning, and she began walking again, briskly, trying to shake him off. �Did you conveniently forget to tell me? It�s been a whole year, Hamilton! I can�t believe you hid it from me!�
�I know,� he said dejectedly, trotting to keep her pace. �But� it just got harder and harder for me to tell you. I wanted to, but then you would have asked why I took so long to tell you��
�Like I�m doing now?� she laughed, the tone embittered.
He sighed. �Look, Jake, I thought it was for the best, okay? It�s not like you haven�t hidden secrets from me before��
�You�re never going to let me forget that, are you?� she stopped suddenly and turned again, almost spitting the words out. Spots of angry colour had risen to her cheeks, making her look like a caricature version of herself; the angles and ridges more defined, sharper, more dangerous.
�That�s not what I meant,� he said, impatient. �Look, can we not do this now? We�ve got much more important things to worry about��
�Yeah,� she said flatly, �I�m gonna get kicked out of school as soon as your dad finds out.�
�We won�t let him find out!� he exclaimed vehemently. �I don�t care how I do it, but I�m going to keep you here, I swear��
�Oh yeah?� Her eyes glittered with an odd mixture of anger and defeat. �And what are you going to do to shut Pagan up? Kill him? Or are you going to hire a hitman to do the job for you?�
�I�� For a moment he looked flustered. �I�ll think of something.�
�Fine,� she said coldly. �I�m going for a ride.�
�What about us?� he demanded, �What about school?�
�Fuck school,� she said hotly, diving into the grove of pine trees that concealed her bike. �It�s not like I�m going to be here for long anyway.�
Part Three
The Gas Station
The sleepy town of New Rawley had seen many quiet winter afternoons, the streets deserted with a silver dusting of weak sunlight scattered along the paved sidewalks. But today was an exception. Main Street was teeming with teenagers, Edmund High and Rawley alike. School had just let out and Fall Semester was officially over, though most of the Rawley kids were waiting for Joe Paterson�s famous annual winter party before heading home, wherever home was. In the meantime, the diner was full to capacity, and people streamed in and out of the gas station, filling up in anticipation of long road trips ahead. Grace and Charlie were manning the counter, looking rushed off their feet.
Bella stood in the kitchen, where it was quieter, pressing the cordless phone to her ear. �I know, I know,� she said soothingly into the receiver, �but Faye said she�ll make him get here, and��
Interrupted, she listened patiently to the frantic voice on the other end. �I know,� she repeated after a few moments, �but Faye�s on our side, okay? She said she�d get him here and she will� oh, hold on, call waiting� Hello? Oh, hi, Alex. I�ve got Emily on the other line� yes, Josh will be coming. Well, no, I didn�t get to speak to him� hold on, let me talk to Emily� Emily? That�s Alex on the other line. He wants to know� I told you, Faye will get him here. Hold on� Alex? Quit worrying, he�ll be there, Faye promised��
And so it went on for quite a while. When Bella finally hung up, she flopped onto a kitchen chair, exhausted. �Argh,� she moaned, rubbing her temples.
�Bad day?� asked Scout, poking his head into the kitchen.
�Hey,� she looked up and smiled faintly. �Did Charlie let you in?�
�Yeah,� he ran a gloved hand through his hair. �Man, what a zoo out there. I can�t believe we even have so many people in this town.�
�All waiting for Joe�s party,� she said wearily.
�You nervous about playing to Edmund kids?� he asked sympathetically. Since Bella joined Amnesia, she had managed to play a few club gigs with them, as well as one Rawley dance; but she had not yet made an appearance in front of her Townie peers.
�At the rate Josh�s going, there isn�t even going to be a gig,� she sighed. �Don�t ask.�
He raised an eyebrow, but didn�t press the issue. �It�s time to get to Kidsline,� he said instead. �You still haven�t seen my new ride, have you? I�m glad we�ve got a shift together today. We should ask Claire if she could organise it every week - it�s costing me an arm and a leg in gas to get to and from Carson.�
�What,� she teased lightly as she got to her feet, grabbing her coat from the back of her chair, �Master Calhoun doesn�t have enough dough to pay for gas now? Wait, speaking of, I�ve got a fantastic story about Ryder. He came in the other day and tossed me his AmEx��
As they headed out the door, chatting, they nearly collided with Pagan, who was making his way in. Bella passed him with a curious, appraising look, and he looked back, obviously perplexed. They�d met before, albeit in very strange circumstances, involving mistaken identities and such, all a bit much to try and get their heads around. Pagan watched Bella as she disappeared into Scout�s silver car, his brow furrowed in deep contemplation.
A hand latched onto his arm and he jumped, turning to see Grace Banks standing in front of him, an amused smile playing about her lips. �What�s up?� she asked, �you look way too serious for your own good.�
�Hey,� he said, his face relaxing into a grin. She had that general effect on people, her cheerful demeanour serving to wipe out ill feeling. �Don�t you need to work?�
�Nah,� she shook her head, the sunlight picking out strands of copper in her thick auburn hair. �Charlie can handle it. You wanna do something together?�
�No,� he said sullenly.
�What�s wrong?� she eyed him as she led the way into the kitchen.
He followed, collapsing into a kitchen chair and propping his elbows on the table. �Everything�s gone to hell.�
�What happened?� she demanded, thrown by the murderous look on his face.
He glanced up at her, as though gauging her reliability. His eyes were a striking blue; though, she thought, not the same blue as Hamilton�s or Ryder�s. Hamilton�s eyes were always clear, like patches of bright sky; Ryder�s eyes, when he was feeling mellow, were a light blue mixed with grey, reminding her of ice and sleet, coldly distant but beautiful. The blue of Pagan�s eyes, however, was deep and affecting, almost indigo; like shadows in the night. She blinked and looked away. This was the last thing she needed: to get a new fixation on the colour of some guy�s eyes.
�You know Jake Pratt?� his voice was quiet.
�Duh,� she said. �You two are practically twins. It�s scary.�
�He�s a girl.�
There was a moment of stunned silence before she burst out laughing. �He�s not a girl,� she giggled, �he�s just gay. And that�s hardly the same thing��
He didn�t even crack a smile, his gaze diamond-hard and very steady. She took another look at him and stopped laughing. �Are you okay?� she asked worriedly. �You can�t actually think��
�I can,� he said, his tone very quiet, �and I do. Jake is a girl.�
Her astonishment escaped on a rush of breath, a hushed whisper. �But that�s impossible.�
�She�s been pretending to be a boy at Rawley, and she�s my half-sister.� he said matter-of-factly, suddenly sounding very tired, as though he couldn�t keep up that level of intensity. �She went to find my dad and bumped into my mom instead.� Leaning forward, he exhaled and rested his chin on the table, staring straight ahead. There was a dejected slump to his shoulders. �My mom�s living with granny and gramps now.�
Awkwardly, she reached out and patted him on the back, not knowing what to say.
�Do you believe me?� he asked, not looking at her.
�I don�t know what to believe,� she answered truthfully. The gentle weight of her hand lingered on his shoulder for a moment before she withdrew it. �It�s just so far-fetched. But��
�I know,� he said, half turning to study her expression. �It seems so obvious when you know about it.�
�It would explain a lot,� she murmured, her eyes glazing over as she recalled details of Jake coming around to visit Bella, the secretive periods in which they hid in the sisters� shared bedroom. Grace had walked in on them, on more than one occasion, giggling over teen girl magazines. She�d figured that it was a gay thing, but then she�d never seen Hamilton do the same�
Lost in her retrospective analysis, she did not hear the front door open again, nor the familiar voice out by the counter asking for Bella. But Pagan did, and he straightened suddenly, his body growing rigid.
�What is it?� Grace snapped out of her thoughts, startled by the acrimonious look on his face.
Without a word he got up and walked to the doorway, lingering there long enough to make out Jake standing in the shop and talking to Charlie. His face was a stony mask of hatred, his eyes glinting with a light like that which glanced off the sharp edge of a poisonous blue blade.
�Pagan,� Grace said, coming up behind him. But she, too, caught sight of Jake at that moment, and her voice faltered.
�She�s not here?� Jake said, not noticing her brother in the kitchen. She tried to smile at Charlie but it didn�t come out quite right. Disappointment coloured her voice. �When will she be back?�
Charlie checked his watch. �She�s at a Kidsline shift. She said the band has to go to Joe�s party early to set up, so I�ll say seven at the latest.�
Jake nodded, her eyes dull. �Thanks, Charlie��
�Pratt,� Pagan said suddenly, crossing his arms over his chest. His voice sounded like the lashing of a venomous whip.
Jake gave a start and looked up, her eyes widening as she saw him across the living room. �Pagan,� she murmured faintly, �I��
�Save it,� he said coldly. �Just save it.�
�Is there a problem, boys?� Charlie asked from behind the counter, furrowing his brows.
�Um,� Jake stuttered, casting a quick, guilty glance in the older man�s direction. �Uh, no. We�re okay.�
�All right,� Charlie looked at them dubiously, but then another customer came in and he busied himself with servicing, his attention diverted from Jake, who was walking slowly toward the kitchen, as if drawn by Pagan�s icy gaze.
Pagan leaned away slightly as she came to him, letting her pass into the kitchen. His eyes were firmly trained on her face, his mouth set into a thin, bloodless line. Jake stared at him, fighting the urge to chew on her lip.
�So,� Pagan said coolly. �The home wrecker.�
Jake blanched. �Pagan,� she said weakly, �I never meant to��
�I said save it,� he spat out, so vehemently that Jake flinched, the rims of her eyes reddening.
�Uh, maybe I should�� Grace trailed off, looking uncomfortable. Pagan either did not hear her or did not think it necessary to reply. Looking first at him, then at Jake, then back to Pagan again, Grace slipped quietly out of the kitchen. Jake�s gaze wavered and for a moment she watched the brunette go, desperation evident in her eyes, as though Grace was the only barrier that stood against Pagan and all his wrath, a barrier that had just fallen of its own accord.
�Look at me.� There was something hard and dark in his voice, like flint. �My mom moved out, did you know that? Right after you paid us your little visit. I don�t know if she�s going to move back, or if they�re going to�� His voice cracked a little, and he glanced away.
�I didn�t mean to,� she said quietly.
He laughed, the sound of it hollow and incredulous. �That�s your excuse? You didn�t mean to? Look, Jacqueline, that might mean something when you�re trying to reduce murder to manslaughter, or whatever; but it doesn�t make one hell of a lot of difference where I stand.�
�Well,� her voice took on a new bitterness as she looked at him, her eyes narrowing, �it�s not like you�re suffering in silence.�
�Don�t you dare make this out to be my fault,� he said harshly, �you weren�t supposed to be at Rawley Boys� to begin with. I�m just setting the record straight.�
�And it was none of your business!� she exclaimed, her fists clenching at her sides.
�It is entirely my business now!� he retorted, his eyes scintillating with anger. �I tried not making it my business, remember? I tried to stay away from you! And what did you do? You stalked my father, you went to my house, you drove my mom out from her own home!�
�I told you, I never meant to do any of those things!� she cried, feeling hot tears well up behind her eyes, �It was all a mistake!�
�It�s a mistake that cost me my family!� he spat out, taking a step forward as though he wanted to grab her. �I hate you!�
For a moment she looked as though she�d been slapped. Then she dropped her gaze, blinking. The light caught the shining tear tracks on her cheeks, a sight that was heavy and gloomy and strangely gratifying for Pagan as he studied her, his eyes cool as water. There was a feeling of compression in his chest, a dull ache. He swallowed with difficulty, squeezing his hands into tight fists, and also looked away.
�I�m sorry,� she finally said, her voice escaping on a sob. Without another glance at him she pushed her way out of the kitchen and ran toward the front door, ignoring Charlie�s startled exclamation behind her.
Pagan stood his ground, jaw clenched, watching as she clambered onto her bike and drove away, dragging the back of her hand across her tearstained cheek.
***
Will and Malcolm�s room
Will leaned back against the headboard of his bed, watching his roommate, Malcolm Harding, pack a few belongings into a small bag. �Going home for winter break?� he asked, conversationally.
Malcolm glanced at him and smiled. �Joining mom and dad at the Alps.�
�Nice,� Will whistled through his teeth. He looked around him and stretched luxuriously, �I guess it�s just gonna be me here this winter.� Chuckling, he corrected himself, �Me, and the omnipresent Hamilton.�
Malcolm laughed. �Yeah, it must kinda suck having parents who live at the school. But what about your family? You must be spending Christmas with them, at least.�
For a moment Will�s expression clouded over. �I�m spending Christmas with my mom,� he merely said.
Malcolm glanced at him, thoughtfully, sensing more to the subject but also knowing when not to press it. �So,� he said instead, �are you going to that party tonight?�
�Yeah,� Will brightened. �My friend just joined Amnesia and she�ll be playing for the first time to Edmund kids tonight. I�ve got to be there for moral support. You?�
Malcolm shrugged and turned away. �I don�t know,� he said quietly. �I�m not going to the airport until tomorrow morning, but��
�Not a crowd person?� Will asked with an air of understanding.
There was a wry smile on Malcolm�s lips. �Not a Josh person right now,� he said simply, zipping up his bag.
Will was about to reply when a tentative knock sounded on the door. He raised his voice, �Come in.�
Maria Ishizuka entered, smiling shyly. She didn�t expect someone else in the room, and for a moment she stared at Malcolm, slightly thrown. �Hey,� she said hesitantly.
�I�ve got to,� Malcolm, ever the observant one, said promptly with another smile, �uh, grab a bite to eat. See you guys later.�
�Thanks, man,� Will grinned as his roommate slipped quickly out of the room. Turning to Maria, he slid off the bed, �Hey! What are you doing here?�
�Um,� she shrugged, avoiding his eyes. �I came to tell you that I�ll be going now.�
�Oh yeah,� he recalled, �you�re going to Japan to visit your mom, right? Have fun with that. When can we expect you back?�
She still wasn�t looking at him. In the silver afternoon light, her hair looked very black, like bold strokes of Indian ink. He was thinking about the appropriateness of this simile when she suddenly met his eyes and said, hurriedly, �I�m not coming back, Will.�
For a moment it seemed as though the breath was knocked out of him, though he understand neither why nor how that could have been. �What do you mean?� he asked, puzzled, �I thought��
�Mom wants me to stay in Japan for a while,� she said quickly, as though she was afraid of stopping and letting him interrupt. Or as though she had been practicing saying these words, to him, at this place and in this way. �And I think that might be good for me, too. I haven�t been to a Japanese school and I�d like to know what it�s like, I�d like to know what Japanese kids my age are doing. And�� she shrugged, looking away again, �I guess it�s just a good time for me to move on.�
�But�� there were words dashing around his head but they made no sense to him, and he stuttered, his eyes wide, �it�s the middle of winter! Why don�t you transfer after the school year�s finished? It�s not like there�s any hurry��
She smiled, faintly. �Like I said, Will, it�s a good time to move on.�
�Okay,� he said slowly, stunned by the sudden turn of events. �When are you leaving?�
There was a pause. �Today,� she said, her gaze meeting his for a second before she dropped it. �In an hour or two.�
�But that�s too soon,� he said, flabbergasted, �don�t you want to say goodbye to my mom? What about Scout? He�s still in Carson��
�I�ve said goodbye to Scout already,� she said quietly. �And earlier I dropped by Arlene�s to see your mom. As far as goodbyes go, you�re the last one.�
�Oh,� he said. A moment of silence fell, quite unlike any other silence he�d ever experienced with her. Or perhaps it was because he had never really experienced silence when they were together, before now. She brought only laughter and comfort and a hint of intrigue to his life, nothing uncomfortable or veiled or mystifying. But he was suddenly uncomfortable now. �Maria,� he said softly.
Her lashes lifted, and for a moment she looked almost hopeful.
�Have a good trip, I�ll email you,� he said, the words dry on his tongue. It was as though he should have said something else, not these words, not anything resembling them; but he didn�t know what, or why that should be so. There was a light emptiness in his head as he looked at her, as though she was creating an absence in him even before she had left.
She nodded, and the expectant shine in her eyes flickered away like dying embers. �I�ve got to go,� she said quietly.
�Bye.� Awkwardly, he enveloped her in a quick hug.
She hugged him back, briefly, before pulling away with a wistful smile. �Bye, Will.�
As he stood in the middle of the room, watching the door close behind her, he felt acutely the sense that something wasn�t quite right. Like the final piece of a puzzle that couldn�t be found, or the thought, a hundred miles from home, that perhaps the stove had been left on. It was a nagging feeling, an instinct idea at the back of his mind; but he couldn�t make heads or tails of it. Shrugging, he sat down on his bed, looking out the window and over the Rawley grounds, the sunlight turning his blue eyes opaque.
***
Carson, Kidsline Office
�Boy,� Scout said as he and Bella walked into the cramped Kidsline office, �it feels weird to be back.�
�Why did you take time off?� she asked curiously as they settled down beside the phones. �You never said.�
For a moment his expression took on a faraway look. �Personal stuff,� he said simply. �I�m glad I�m back though.�
She nodded, and before she could say anything else, the receptionist poked her head in the office, �Hey guys! Scout, we�ve got a letter addressed to you.�
�Me?� he asked, mystified.
�Yeah,� the receptionist shrugged, handing him an envelope. �It came through yesterday. The name on the front says �John�. We checked the list and that�s your Kidsline alias, right?�
�Yeah,� he said, furrowing his brows. �Thanks.�
�No prob,� she grinned at him before disappearing down the hall.
Scout stared down at the envelope in his hands. The Kidsline address was carefully hand-printed on it, as well as a single name �John�. There were no sender details. The handwriting was not one he recognised, though the rounded curves and neat presentation made it clear that it came from a girl.
�Who do you think it�s from?� Bella asked curiously as she watched him tear open the envelope.
�I don�t know,� he said automatically, but a sudden but distant possibility flashed in his mind and he could feel his heartbeat begin to quicken. His fingers, when he drew the letter out of the envelope, were trembling.
Part Four
Rawley Boys� Academy, dorms
Jake flew up the stairs in the dormitory, hot tears stinging her eyes. She was only too glad that most of the Rawley kids have congregated in town and weren�t present to see her bawling her eyes out as she ran toward her room. Not, she thought as she blindly dashed down the hallway, that it really mattered now, anyway�
As she wrenched open the door to her room, she saw Hamilton sitting on her bed. As soon as he saw her he jumped up. �Jake,� he said tensely, and when he took in her dishevelled appearance and swollen eyes, he strode forward, �What�s going on?�
She stepped back, widening the gap between them. �I ran into Pagan,� she said, not looking at him. �He� um, he said some things.�
�What a jerk,� he said furiously, advancing again. �Jake, don�t listen to him��
She shied away from him, and he shrank back, rejection flashing across his face like the lashings of a whip. �Jake,� he said, his voice tinged with exasperation. She didn�t look at him. Sighing, he dropped his outstretched hands and stuffed them in his pockets instead. �Don�t be mad at me.�
�Why?� she exclaimed, casting a quick, furious glance at him. �You lied to me! I just don�t understand, why didn�t you ever tell me that Finn knew? Didn�t you think it�s important for me to know?�
�Of course I did!� he exclaimed. �Look, we�ve been over this before, okay? There was just never a right time��
�Shh,� she suddenly interrupted, her eyes darting wildly toward the stairwell. �Someone�s coming.�
He stopped talking. And glared resentfully. But he too, now, could hear the sound of footsteps making their way up the stairs. Clearly, it wasn�t the careless shuffle of a stray student, nor the casual footfalls of a teacher doing his or her round of the dorms. There were three sets of steps, none of them in unison, and they rang out on the stairwell, a harsh sound, inlaid with solemn gravity. He glanced at Jake, quickly, but she wasn�t looking at him. She was chewing on the inside of her cheek, her face very white, and she stared straight ahead at the corridor before them as though she wasn�t physically capable of tearing her gaze away.
A few tense seconds passed, with no sound except for the echoing footsteps on the stairs, and gradually three heads came into view as they ascended around the landing. Dean Fleming was at the fore, his expression one of grim determination. He was flanked on either side by Kate Fleming, whose pretty face betrayed complete disbelief; and Finn, his eyes cast over the ground, his skin an ashen sort of colour. Hamilton stared at them as they came closer, their gazes coming into contact with his, and he thought he should have done something � spoken, moved in front of Jake, perhaps, in a vain attempt to shield her; but he was frozen to the ground.
Jake, on the other hand, was not. �Hello, Sir,� she said, her voice low and tremulous, just a little, enough for Hamilton � but possibly not anyone else � to notice. �Hi Kate. Hi Finn.�
�Mr. Pratt,� Steven Fleming looked at her sternly, �you don�t seem surprised to see us here.�
Jake took a deep, shuddering breath. �I�m not.�
Steven�s gaze was sharp and penetrating. �Then, I guess you know why we�ve come.�
A small sound escaped from within Jake�s throat, caught halfway between a strangled word and a whimper. And at that sound Hamilton could feel his body again, feel that he had control over his limbs once more, and he sprang forward. �Dad,� he exclaimed, �I can explain��
�I wasn�t talking to you, Hamilton,� Steven said coldly. �Now, if you could please let me finish talking to Jake��
�But dad!� Hamilton cried, stepping between Jake and his father, �I��
�He�s right, Hamilton.� She spoke from behind him, her voice soft. �This is not about you.�
�Of course it�s about me!� he exclaimed, swirling around angrily, �Jake, I��
She merely shook her head at him, and there was a flicker of profound sadness in her eyes as she looked past him. It almost felt as though she had looked through him. He stopped mid-sentence, his breaths coming quick and shallow as though he had just run a sprint race, and he stared at her incredulously. But she did not meet his eyes again.
�You�re aware of the allegations made about you by Pagan Leigh?� Steven�s eyes were cool and inquisitive, but there was a brighter light burning behind them, barely constrained.
Jake lowered her head. �Yes,� she whispered.
Steven�s voice had gone quiet also, but the words came out hard and cold as shards of ice, syllable by syllable, like he was spitting them out.
�There�s no point in beating around the bush, Jake. Are you, or are you not, a girl?�
Hearing those words, actually hearing them out loud, the sound of them seemingly echoing in and down the empty corridors of Rawley Academy, although that must have been Hamilton�s imagination because there was no way that Steven could have spoken that loudly � it felt like swirling into a black hole. A brief sense of weightlessness, then freefall, as though the earth had disappeared right from underneath his feet. His stomach dropped, and for a moment he could have sworn he was falling, hurtling down, down, through nothing but air, his feet useless beneath him. His eyes were open wide, but he didn�t know where to look. Not Steven. Certainly not Jake, because he couldn�t bear her reaction; and not Kate, whose face had turned into a pallid mask of indignant shock. So he settled for looking at Finn, watching him as these final words were being spoken, the other man�s face impassive. But his dark eyes were cast upon the ground, heavy-lidded, looking almost regretful. What did he regret? Hamilton neither cared nor wanted to know.
Jake spoke so softly that, for the first moment or two, Hamilton couldn�t quite force himself to believe it.
�Yes, I am.�
A moment of stunned silence, running deeper than the mere absence of sound. Steven stared at Jake, and she stared back, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. But she set her jaw and blinked them back, holding them in. Hamilton could see her pale throat working, and the sight seemed like a knife twisting in his stomach.
�Dad,� he said again, desperately, but Steven turned and silenced him with a look. Whatever words Hamilton wanted to say, he could feel them turn into dust in his mouth: he didn�t remember his father ever looking like that. It wasn�t just anger that pulsed through Steven like a visible aura of murky darkness, but a deep hurt as well, an overwhelming sense of being betrayed, and knowing what was to follow, the weight of the Academy�s reputation resting on his shoulders alone.
When the Dean spoke again, his voice was toneless.
�All right,� he said, turning away from Jake. �That will be all we need from you.�
�But� but,� she stuttered, �don�t you want to know why� or how��
�I would advise you not to speak again, Miss Pratt,� Steven said sharply, but he did not turn around. �It may be prudent to wait until you are in the presence of an attorney before you engage in any further conversation with the Academy�s employees.�
�An attorney?� Jake repeated, turning a colour akin to old eggshells.
�We are going to contact your mother immediately,� Steven continued as though he didn�t hear her. �And I would advise her to come collect you as soon as possible. In the meantime, please consider yourself confined to your room. Except,� a small spot of colour flared up on his cheeks, whether out of embarrassment or anger, �for the necessities of dining or bathroom activities. I daresay you have established quite a system for using the shared boys� restrooms during your stay.�
�I�� Jake began to say, but he silenced her with a wave, and walked away without a second glance.
Kate remained standing, her eyes full of the pain of deceit, mixed with faint disgust. Jake looked at her and felt her face begin to crumple. �Kate,� she murmured, her voice trembling, �I�m so sorry��
�Don�t speak to me,� Kate whispered, turning her back on Jake. �Come with me, Hamilton,� she said roughly, beginning to walk away. But when he did not follow, she stopped and whirled around, her eyes flashing. �Hamilton,� she snapped, �now.�
�No,� he said, his eyes darting violently between her and Jake, �You can�t make me.�
Behind him, Jake sighed, the sound of it muffled by another sob. �Go, Hamilton,� she said. �I don�t want you here. Just� go.�
He turned, his eyes wide. She shook her head sadly and walked back into her room, reaching out to close the door.
�Jake!� he exclaimed, springing forward and jamming a foot into the doorway, �Don�t do this to me!�
She raised her eyes to his, and he shuddered when he saw the utter lifelessness of them, the dullness of defeat.
�Go with your mom,� she said, and to his surprise the ghost of a smile emerged at the corner of her lips. �It�s the best for everybody right now.�
�But I need to be with you,� he could feel his lower lip wobbling and bit down on it, not wanting to show this weakness, not wanting to let her know just how powerless he really was. He withdrew his foot from the doorway and leaned against the frame, trying to let it support his weight, because he knew he could not do it himself.
A tear rolled down her cheek. �Hamilton, you can�t help. I want to be alone.�
�I�m sorry,� he whispered, choking on his words, �I�m sorry I didn�t tell you about��
�It�s okay,� she interrupted, beginning to close the door again. �It doesn�t really matter now.�
�Jake,� he pleaded, his eyes unnaturally bright, like twin flames seen through blue glass. �Talk to me.�
But the door closed between them and he could no longer see her face.
***
New Rawley Beauty Salon
�Um, yeah.� Josh sat in the hairdresser�s chair and looked at Susan Krudski in the mirror, his tone sheepish. �You can see my hair needs some fixing up.�
She smiled. �How short do you want it?�
He shrugged, looking away from his reflection. �I don�t care.�
�We can still keep some of that length,� she suggested. �How about a wedge cut? I think it�ll suit your face shape. It�ll come up to around your ears.�
�Fine,� he shrugged again. �I just want to look presentable.�
She smiled again, her expression neither curious or disapproving, and she began clipping up sections of his mangled hair as best as she could. �I saw you in the school play last year,� she said conversationally.
�Did you?�
She picked up a pair of scissors and scrutinised his reflection. �Mmm-hmm. You were great.�
�Thanks,� he said automatically, lifting his gaze for a moment. His eyes widened as he caught sight of the yellowing remains of a bruise on her cheekbone, an obvious relic of a violent encounter. She caught him looking and smiled again. He blushed, lowering his eyes.
�My husband did it,� she said confidentially as she began to cut.
He didn�t know what to say to that, so he remained silent, avoiding her calm gaze.
�You know,� she mused, deftly clipping off sections of his hair. �It�s weird. He�s done it for years, and I always let him. You know you should get out, but you never do anything. But I finally did it. I left him.�
�Um,� he fidgeted, watching tufts of black hair drifting gently onto the floor. �Good for you.�
�It was the hardest thing I ever had to do,� she pinned up more sections of hair, quickly snipping away. �My son is incredibly happy that I did it, but he doesn�t understand the effort it involves. Not just the part where you walk out, but the part afterward, where you have to tell yourself again and again not to just give up and go back.�
�Life is easiest in the status quo,� he murmured softly, not knowing whether he was saying it to her, or to himself.
�That�s exactly right,� her voice was placid. �It almost makes you think that you want to be where you are. You could be unhappy but you still think something could change. And it�s that hope that keeps you there.�
He furrowed his brows as he savoured these words, bowing his head. �Chin up,� she reminded him, tugging gently on his hair.
He did what he was told, but still avoided looking into the mirror. �Do you think,� he asked hesitantly, �that sort of situation can ever change?�
She had moved on to the other side of his head, and was nibbling thoughtfully on her lower lip as she cut. �Maybe. But I guess I figured out it�s his problem, not mine. I was always there. If he wanted to change, we could have been happy. But he didn�t want to change. Or maybe he just couldn�t change. Either way, I can�t help that.�
He was silent.
She unpinned his hair and held up one strand from each side of his face to check whether the lengths matched. �But you know what?� Another couple of careful, measured snips. �I finally got it. I finally realised that I could walk away. I didn�t have to hang around for things to get better, because it wouldn�t get better. It takes two people for a relationship and if one of them can�t change, then there�s no point in hanging around.�
�But,� his voice was faint. �Don�t you worry about it being the wrong choice? What if you regret it one day?�
She stopped what she was doing, and he glanced up, surprised. Their eyes met in the mirror, and he almost flinched at the brilliant clarity in her eyes, the soft piercing blue of the sky.
�You do what you have to do,� she said, quietly.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
�It�s about setting yourself free,� she said, still staring at him. �It�s hard and it�s painful to let go, but sometimes you just have to do it. Otherwise you think you�re going to go insane. Let go, and you end up terribly alone, but at least you�ve got your freedom. You can finally be yourself again.�
There was a tangible reaction in his eyes, a flash of understanding, like blue-white lightning streaking across the night sky.
�All done,� she nodded toward the mirror.
It took a moment for him to fathom what she meant. Wrenching his gaze from her knowing eyes, he looked at himself in the mirror, and blinked in surprise.
His hair wasn�t that much shorter. It ended just past his cheekbones, hanging straight and sleek with a slight flick in the ends. His face looked thinner than he had remembered, and there were hollows in his cheeks that he never really noticed before. He looked older, a little less feminine, and different, as though he could have been a brand new person, if he tried.
***
Rawley Academy, boathouse
It was getting dark when Will made his trip to the boathouse, hugging himself against the crisp evening air. There was a slight wind, which stung his eyes into watering. Inside, he felt a bubbling anxiety, though in a muted sort of way, as though he didn�t quite know what to do with himself. He put it down to the usual nerves and adrenaline before a meeting with Anita.
She was already there. �You�re late,� she said sulkily, leaning against the creaking interior wall.
�Sorry,� he apologised, �I was saying goodbye to a friend. She�s leaving Rawley. For good, I mean.�
�Oh,� she didn�t sound even remotely interested, and instead she came closer, draping an arm around his shoulder. �Kiss me,� she commanded.
He obliged, leaning in to search the familiar softness and warmth of her lips, as though he could find the solution to his discomfort there, a reassurance. But the anxiety remained, and he kissed her harder, pressing her against him, as though she could physically fill the hole inside him, the hole whose boundaries he didn�t understand. �Anita,� he murmured against her lips, trailing his fingertips over her smooth cheek.
�Mm,� she replied, pulling back slowly and looking up at him with a satisfied smile. �That�s better.�
He grinned, despite the fact that he felt no more settled than before. She moved forward, placing her hands on his shoulders and guiding him back a couple of steps until his back was pressed against the wall. She had always liked this position the best � pinning him there as though he were a prisoner of sorts, his arms useless at his sides, while she could do to him whatever she wanted. He let his eyes fall closed as she kissed him once more, her soft lips moving over his as though discovering new territory. The unfilled anxiety inside seemed to have the effect of making all his senses come alive, humming with an intensity that he had not previously experienced. The damp, woody smell of the boatshed was all around him, and there was a warm body in his grasp, pliant and yielding, silken strands of hair brushing across his face. He kissed her back, hungrily. �Maria��
*Death Cab for Cutie�s �Tiny Vessels� plays*
She went rigid all over and stepped back abruptly. Lost in the after-effects of the kiss, it was only when he opened his eyes, bemused, when he realised what he had said.
This is the moment
That you know
That you told you loved her but you don't
Her eyes gleamed in the surrounding darkness like that of a nocturnal animal, and the expression on her face was half rancour, half disbelief. He looked at her, the beautiful profile, the gentle curve of the lips, the speechlessness. And as he stared at her, the name he just uttered still echoing in his mind, an understanding dawned on him so quickly and so plainly that he was almost bowled over by this realisation, the abject clarity of it, like the sky splitting open overhead and revealing another, brighter sun behind.
You touch her skin
and then you think
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Everything made sense, suddenly. The furtive glances that she�d sent in his direction when she thought he wasn�t looking. How she helped him look for his mother, uncomplaining, encouraging, full of smiles and words of comfort. The way she brushed off the idea of being a Rawley kid and went, with a grin and a shrug, to work in the diner like just another townie. The sneakers falling to bits that she held in place with duct tape, stubbornly refusing to buy a new pair. The bold invitation to the Halloween Ball, where he all but ignored her while he went off with another girl � the girl standing in front of him right now, resentment flickering over her features like a wavering tide.
I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me
Yeah she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me
He had thought that was happiness, to share that sort of chemistry, to kiss Anita as though he was burning up inside, to reach for her on these clandestine meetings and feel her body pressed against his. To have her look at him and see the barely-concealed passion there, a yearning to be closer, to forget where they were and give in to these intoxicating desires. It was a simple and enthralling feeling, a sense of suspension, of being lost; it was passion. And he thought passion equated to love, or something thereabouts.
But now the memories of Maria flashed before his eyes in rapid succession, like a slide show of all the images that he had taken in but overlooked.
�Will,� Anita�s voice was pure acid. �Look at me.�
Slowly, he turned his eyes toward her. She stood there, the darkness gathered around her like a second skin. She was beautiful, and his heart thumped painfully in his ribcage when he realised that it didn�t matter at all. He doubted that it ever mattered. A panicked realisation suddenly broke over him, and without another word he turned from her and ran out of the boathouse.
�Will!� she yelled, with a rawness to her voice that he had never witnessed before, but he didn�t turn back. He simply kept running, running into the evening light, running toward the Rawley buildings in the distance.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark
And tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I, that day
The wind met his face like the careless slashing of icy knives. It snatched the breath away from his lungs, leaving him gasping in ragged gulps, his legs pumping furiously, his sneakers sliding over grass wet with evening dew. The swirling thoughts in his mind suddenly crystallised into one single determined idea, an understanding, finally, of why he felt so damned peculiar ever since Maria came to say goodbye.
He flew into the parking lot just in time to see a cab pull out of the front gates, the familiar black-haired figure sitting in the backseat. �Maria!� he called, almost desperately, beginning to run again, chasing after the cab, �MARIA!�
She did not hear him, and she did not turn around. The cab drove out of the gates and picked up speed, sending up a thick puff of greyish exhaust and he choked on it, stumbling to a stop. He bent over double, coughing, his eyes watering, and just made out the outline of the cab as it sailed down the street, pulling effortlessly into the highway.
She was gone.
All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask �was something wrong?�
You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now
No, we can't talk about it now
�Will.� Anita�s voice spoke up behind him. He turned around, and saw her standing a few steps away, her arms wrapped around herself as though cold. The wind stirred her hair, sending dark strands undulating against the darker backdrop of night, like aqueous plants. He stared at her, feeling something bitter rise up and coat the back of his throat.
�I�m sorry,� he said. �I can�t do this anymore.�
The look in her eyes was far from surprised. �I know,� she said with a curt nod. Walking closer to him, she looked toward the gates, the direction in which Maria had gone. �You in love with her?�
�I don�t know,� he answered truthfully, beginning to really feel the vicious sting of the night air on his face. �But I should have known she liked me. I guess I was just wilfully blind. But I also should have known that I liked her back, and it could have been something��
He turned back to Anita, his eyes a dull grey-blue in the dim light. �I liked her,� he said simply. �A lot. More than I knew. More than��
He trailed off but she laughed, a little roughly, her voice breaking the soft quietness of the moment. �More than you liked me? Thanks, Will.�
�I didn�t mean�� he said quickly, but she waved an impatient hand at him, forbidding him to go on. �One word of caution,� she said, her lips turned up in the semblance of a sneer. �Don�t sing one girl�s praises in front of another girl who likes you. It never goes down well.�
He blinked. �You like me?�
Even in the dark he could see her blush. �Yeah, well,� she said, turning away, beginning to walk toward the dormitory. �Maybe. I think I was beginning to. We�ll never know now, will we?�
He stood there, watching her fade into the dark, gathering her windblown hair into a ponytail as she went.
So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
He wasn�t sorry; but still, there was a vestige of regret in his chest, expanding slowly against his ribcage, like a painful yell that wanted out. He blinked and dropped his gaze, almost angrily, but not at all sure what precisely it was that he was angry at. He thought back to the past semester and his time split between these two girls, one sultry, one bright, one with fiery kisses and the other with comforting smiles, and how he could have had them both, yet ended up with no one at all.
He stood on the edge of the parking lot, his sneakers crunching lightly on the gravel, and he raised his face to the sky, letting the icy wind brush over his skin.
Yeah you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
***
Rawley Academy, the Dean�s house
When Steven Fleming finally came home, it was almost completely dark outside. The living room lights were off and as he flicked the switch, he gave a start in surprise. His wife was sitting in the armchair next to the unlit fireplace, a drink in one hand, staring blankly out the window. �Kate?� he asked softly, stepping forward.
She almost dropped her glass in surprise. �Oh,� she said with a little gasp, �you startled me.�
�Sorry,� he hung up his coat. �I didn�t think anyone was downstairs.�
She shrugged. �Did you get in touch with Jake�s mother?�
�Yes,� he said heavily, walking over to the liquor cabinet and pouring himself a stiff drink. Turning, he smiled wryly as his eyes met hers, �She�s flying in on the red-eye. Should be here first thing tomorrow morning.�
�How did she take it?� Kate asked, curious.
He tossed back a healthy gulp of his straight whiskey and paused for a moment, letting the fiery liquid burn its way down his throat. Exhaling, he glanced at his wife. �About as well as you could expect.�
�I don�t know what to expect anymore,� she said bitterly, turning toward the window again, staring out into the dark outlines of trees in the distance. �I don�t even know what to think anymore.�
He took another long drink before asking, his voice husky, �Where�s Hamilton?�
�Upstairs,� she said quietly. �I told him to stay in his room.�
�All this time,� he murmured, staring into the bottom of his glass, �all this time he knew and he never said a word��
�All that stuff about being gay,� she blinked quickly, as though holding back tears. �All that stuff about REACH��
�He lied. She lied,� he sighed wearily. �We could carry on forever in this vein.�
�What are you going to do?� she asked, turning around, her eyes glittering with unshed tears. �Kick her out? Lawsuit? What about Hamilton?�
�I have to talk with the Board,� he said tonelessly. �And then� who knows.�
�Should we�� she said in a small voice, �should someone go tell her that her mother�s coming tomorrow?�
A small light flickered in his eyes. �Yes,� he said quietly, and walked forward. But instead of going to the front door as she�d expected, he strode resolutely up the stairs instead. She stared after him in confusion, for a moment, before she followed him to Hamilton�s door. He knocked, once, then twice, softly.
�Go away,� their son�s sullen voice called from within.
�Hamilton,� Steven said. �It�s me.�
�So?�
Steven sighed. �Can we talk, please?�
�Jake�s a girl, you won�t let me see her, what is there to talk about?�
�Hamilton,� Steven sighed again, �how do you know we won�t let you see her if you don�t even talk to us?�
A moment of silence, and the door slowly creaked open. �Mom told me I couldn�t,� Hamilton said suspiciously, peeking out.
�I just thought you�d want to know that her mother is coming tomorrow morning,� Steven said quietly, �to pick her up.�
Hamilton paled, though his expression didn�t change. �And then what?�
�I don�t know yet,� Steven said truthfully.
The blue in Hamilton�s eyes flickered and darkened. �Don�t kick her out, dad. Please don�t.�
�It�s not up to me to decide, son,� Steven sighed, running a hand through his hair, �it�s the Board�s call. You know that.�
�But I know you can help convince them,� Hamilton pressed, �I know you can. Please don�t let them expel her.�
Steven sighed again, and did not reply. Behind him, Kate shifted uncomfortably. �Why?� she murmured, looking at her son, �Why didn�t you tell us?�
�What would you have done if you were me?� he retorted, a hard veneer settling over his features, like enamel. �We did the best we could, okay? I�m sorry about lying, I really am; but we didn�t have a choice!�
�It�s been over a year, Hamilton!� she exclaimed, her fists balling at her side. �How long were you going to keep this a secret?�
�For as long as I had to!� he shouted. His voice echoed in the hall and he shrank back, his shoulders slumping. �As long as I had to,� he repeated softly, hanging his head.
Kate looked as though she wanted to say something else, but Steven touched her on the shoulder, shaking his head. She looked quizzically at him, but he�d already turned back to Hamilton. �Son,� he said gently, �not long ago you said I don�t care about you and your mother. And you were right, maybe I don�t care as much as I should; maybe I let my duties as Dean take over too much of our family life. Maybe that�s why you never confided in us. Maybe��
�Yeah?� Hamilton said wearily, looking as though he couldn�t care less.
Steven exhaled softly. �Go be with her,� he said. �It�s going to be her last night at Rawley, I doubt she�d want to spend it alone, cooped up in her room. Go keep her company.�
Hamilton�s head jerked up, and he met his father�s placid gaze with his mouth hanging open, with no words coming out at all.
�It doesn�t mean she won�t be punished,� Steven said. �Nor does it mean that she won�t be expelled. But those are things that must come as they come, and now � well, I don�t see any point in keeping you two apart. That�s not damage control, that�s just more damage on top of everything else. I realise that now.�
For another moment Hamilton stood immobile, stunned by the change in circumstance and, even more shockingly, his father�s change in demeanour. He stared into Steven�s eyes, half fearing that this was some kind of horrible trick; but all that he saw there was a tranquil blue, earnest and a little self-reproaching.
�Thank you,� he said, quietly, before he took down the stairs and bolted out of the front door.
***
Joe Paterson�s house
Bella ran into the house, with Scout on her heels. �Sorry, sorry,� she panted, �sorry I�m late, guys. Kidsline took longer than I thought. Everything okay? Where�s Josh?� She looked frantically around, �Please tell me he�s here.�
�Relax,� Emily, the bassist, smiled and tossed her a lead. �He�s in the basement, getting dressed.�
Bella raised an eyebrow as she joined in setting up. �He couldn�t have dressed before he came?�
�It�s not that,� Alex, the drummer, called from deep within the bowels of his drum kit, where he was affixing his double-kick pedal, his voice muffled. �But Faye force-fed him three cups of coffee. He got jumpy,� he sat up and scrutinised the bass drum before turning back to the girls, smirking. �Well� the rest of the story involves more coffee, two stained shirts and a lot of spillage over Joe�s grandmother�s prized rug, so I�ll just leave it to your imagination.�
�Thanks,� Bella chuckled, �I get the picture.� From downstairs came a sudden shriek, and she jumped, startled. �What was that?�
Her question was answered a moment later as Scout, who�d disappeared as soon as he got in the door, bolted up the stairs that led to the basement, his face a shocking shade of scarlet. �Why didn�t anybody bother to tell me there�s A Naked Josh in the basement?� he demanded wildly.
�Coffee. Shirts. Carpet.� Alex said succinctly, disappearing under the drums again, �It�s a thing.�
�Oh,� Scout said, befuddled. But he looked as though he was in no mood to care. �Where�s Faye?� he demanded in the general direction of the others, �I need to talk to her.�
�She�s back at the dorms,� Emily said, �getting clothes for Josh, who, as you have seen, has no clothes.�
Scout grimaced. �Please don�t bring up that mental picture ever again.�
�Sorry,� Emily laughed. �She should be back in twenty minutes. Sit tight.�
�I can�t,� Scout said, edging around nervously. �So, this is the party, huh? When do people start arriving?�
�Anytime now,� Bella said, �as soon as��
�KEGS ARE HERE!� roared a couple of voices from the door, including that of Joe Paterson, the host of the party. The others jumped out of the way of a bunch of burly guys carrying beer kegs into the room, rolling them along the floor. Behind them, a group of people wandered in, clearly the first ones to the party. �Bella!� Emily called frantically, �we�ve gotta do soundcheck!�
�Right about now,� Bella said to Scout with a grin, hurrying back to the other band members.
***
The chilling wind whipped Hamilton in the face as he ran. Not that it mattered. Reaching the dormitory in record time, he bounded up the stairs two at a time, his footsteps echoing down the deserted halls. �Jake!� he called breathlessly, giving no thought to how he must have looked to any passers-by, coming around the landing like a man possessed.
He nearly collided head-on with Faye. �Whoa!� the blonde exclaimed, skidding backwards and narrowing missing toppling down the stairs. �What�s the hurry, Hamilton?�
�What are you doing here?� he exclaimed, out of breath.
�Picking up Josh�s clothes for the show,� she grinned. �I�m helping them set up. Hey,� she tilted her head and scrutinised the look on his face. �What�s wrong? You look totally freaked.�
�The secret�s out,� he said flatly, too tired to draw it out and anxious to get to Jake. �My dad knows Jake�s a girl. My mom knows. Pretty soon everyone will know.�
She didn�t look surprised at the news. �It was bound to happen,� she said, though not unsympathetically. �How are you taking it?�
�I just want to find Jake,� he said restlessly. �Her mom�s coming tomorrow morning and I just wanna spend tonight with her�� His expression darkened, however, as he thought back to events earlier in the day, �She�s mad at me, though.�
�What for?�
He bit his lower lip. �It�s complicated.�
�Yes,� she said, deadpan, �compared to the rest of the story, which is so incredibly straightforward. Come on,� she grinned as she saw the annoyance on his face, �she won�t be upset for long when she realises the much bigger things at stake. I can guarantee it.�
�I hope so,� he said, bounding over the remaining stairs and starting down the corridor.
�Good luck!� she called after him.
He barely heard her. The door at the end of the hallway was coming into sight now, and as he ran toward it a mixture of love and fear and adrenaline surged through him. �Jake!� he called frantically, �Jake��
The door opened before he�d quite reached it. She stood in the doorway, her face still streaked with tears, but it was not closed or cold or anything that he had prepared himself for; instead, the expression on her face was one of incredible relief as he ran toward her. As he reached her he wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his lips to her forehead. They clung to each other, standing in the doorway and holding on with all their strength, as though they were on a ship that was sinking fast. �I�m glad you came back,� she sobbed against his shoulder. �I don�t care about the Finn thing, I don�t care about it at all� I just want you here with me.�
�I�m here, baby,� he whispered as he stroked her back, both gently and possessively, holding her even tighter. �I�m here.�
Part Five
Joe Paterson�s House
When Pagan and Grace arrived, the party was already in full swing. Grace grinned when she saw the full house of people and tugged on Pagan�s sleeve impatiently. He, however, hung back a little, looking intimidated. �Um,� he said, �this might not be a good time to tell you I haven�t been to one of these things before.�
�That�s such a surprise,� she giggled, pulling him along. �Come on.�
Reluctantly, he followed her into the darkened house. Kids milled around every corner, and the party was packed. Pagan slinked past the crowds, ill at ease. Grace, on the other hand, was in her element. Waving a cheerful hello to Joe on the other side of the room, she smiled brightly as she passed a couple of Edmund High boys she knew. Swaying flirtatiously to the rhythm of the song that blasted out of the stereo, she said hi to a dozen or so people before she�d quite made it in the door. Pagan trailed after her, shuffling his feet self-consciously.
�Dear Miss Banks,� Joe said appreciatively as Grace wove her way through the crowds, �where have you been? We missed you at the poker rounds.�
�I�ve been busy,� she laughed, accepting a paper cup of beer. �Great party, Joe.�
�It�s shaping up,� he said offhandedly. �Kegs in the kitchen.�
�You know me best,� she laughed, heading toward the hallway, Pagan stumbling at her heels. �Relax and just go with the flow,� she advised him as they ducked past a group of Rawley boys trying to toboggan down the Patersons� stairwell on an air mattress.
�Not my idea of fun,� grimaced Pagan as he saw one of the boys careening down the stairs, ending up on the floor, headfirst.
�Maybe not that,� she chuckled. �But you can enjoy yourself in other ways. Talk to people. Dance.�
�I don�t know many people,� he said quietly as they headed toward the kitchen counter, upon which one of the kegs sat, dispensing beer to a short queue.
She playfully punched him on the shoulder. �That�s the spirit, you big dork. Why do you think we come to these things? To make friends, duh.�
�Yeah,� he said darkly as he glanced into a corner of the kitchen, and then wished he hadn�t. �Random make-out friends, you mean.�
�Hey,� she jabbed a finger to the centre of his chest, her eyes twinkling. �Don�t underestimate the power of random make-out friends.�
�You could talk, Gracie,� a drawling male voice suddenly declared from behind. They turned to see a beefy-looking guy leaning casually against the counter, whose sneer distorted an otherwise handsome face. Pagan vaguely recognised him as a Rawley Senior.
�Stewart,� Grace sighed, rolling her eyes. �Tactful, as usual.�
�Gracie,� Stewart mimicked her voice, grinning unpleasantly at Pagan, �with a different guy on her arm, as usual. A little� skinny for your usual taste, though?�
Pagan looked as though he didn�t know what to say. Grace�s face darkened. �Why don�t you just mind your own business?�
�Grace, it�s okay,� Pagan intervened, with a quick, disgusted look in Stewart�s direction, �he�s drunk.�
�Atta boy,� Stewart slurred, pushing past the two, evidently distracted by the beer keg.
�Boy,� Pagan turned back to Grace with a small roll of the eyes. �You�re right, these parties are great. Having people say random rude things to you has never been this fun.�
�Oh, shut up,� she said with a forced smile, leading the way out of the kitchen. �It�s not all bad, I swear��
A blonde girl chose that moment to bump into them, giggling helplessly. �Grace!� she exclaimed, raising her paper cup in the other girl�s direction and spilling half its contents in the process, �Didn�t expect to see you here!�
�Hey Rochelle,� Grace said wearily, eyeing her friend-recently-turned-rival. �What are you talking about? Everyone comes to Joe�s party.�
�Yeah, obviously,� Rochelle giggled, casting a tipsy glance in Pagan�s direction. �What? You�ve gone through all the decent guys and cleaning out the weirdo heap now? I thought even you had some taste, girl.�
Pagan flushed a furious red, looking like a rabbit caught in oncoming headlights. �Hey!� Grace exclaimed angrily, �This is my friend you�re talking about!�
�Friend,� Rochelle grinned at Pagan, raising a suggestive eyebrow, �fuck-buddy, whatever. Aren�t they the same in your book?�
Pagan looked like he was about to say something, but for want of actually something to say, he remained quiet, looking rather pathetically lost. Grace, on the other hand, stepped forward and came nose to nose with Rochelle, staring the other girl down. �You wanna say that again, bitch?�
�Whoa,� Rochelle stepped back, holding up both hands and swaying on the spot. �You don�t need to be such a tightass, Grace! Jesus! It�s not like I said anything you didn�t know!�
�Yeah, well, leave my friends out of it,� Grace spat vehemently. �Let�s go, Pagan.�
She swept away from Rochelle, her head held high. Pagan duly followed, looking � if at all possible � even more uncomfortable than he already was. As he walked past Rochelle the blonde leaned into him, running a hand down his arm, �She�ll only break your heart, you know.�
He looked like he was about to answer, but Grace, already several steps ahead, called his name impatiently and he turned away from Rochelle, quickly pushing through the crowds. �Tonight�s getting better and better,� he complained as he reached her. �Your friends are so nice, Grace.�
�Well, what do you want me to say?� she suddenly turned on him, her eyes flashing angrily. �Yeah, all right, I admit it, I don�t have any real friends either, does that make you happy? And no, I guess I don�t have as much fun here as I pretend to have, but you don�t have to rub it in my face! It�s not like you can talk! God! I make the effort, I�m hanging out with a freaking sci-fi geek, for god�s sake, and still nothing EVER changes, I guess I�m just damned to be Gracie Banks, townie slut, for the rest of my goddamn life!�
He blanched at her unforeseen outburst. �Grace�� he said hesitantly, �I didn�t mean to come off sounding like��
�Whatever.� She turned away, shoving her way through the crowds without another glance.
�Grace!� he called frantically, trying to follow, but his voice was lost amongst the din and bodies pressed in on him from all sides, and soon he lost sight of her completely.
***
�Looking good, Bella,� Will grinned at the blonde as he came up to the corner stage. �I hear you�re singing tonight.�
�Yeah, I�m trying to forget that part,� she said nervously, casting a glance over the kids crowding around the lounge. �God, did they always have this many people at the winter party?�
�Every year,� he affirmed with a smile. �Hey, where�s Josh?�
�He was here for sound check a minute ago,� she said doubtfully, peering at the crowd.
�He�s gone again?� exclaimed Faye, who�d joined them. �He�d better not be drinking, or I swear I�m gonna kick his skinny white ass.�
�I�m worried about him,� Bella said quietly, glancing over her shoulder at Alex and Emily, who were also scanning the lounge for signs of their lead singer. �He didn�t look� I mean, earlier, when he came in, he didn�t look��
�All that sane?� Faye supplied with a sigh. �Yeah, I know. I�m working on it. You�re about to go on? I better see if I can find him.�
�Ladies,� a voice spoke up from behind them, sounding amused. �Never fear, I am here.�
It was Josh, freshly dressed but with a half-empty bottle of gin in one hand. Faye pounced on him immediately, her eyes flashing. �You�re drinking again? What did I tell you before the show?�
�Oh, give me a break,� he said grumpily as he stepped onto the dais and grabbed his guitar from its stand. �I�m here now, and I�m drinking, but I�m not drunk, so it�s all good for everybody.�
�No, it�s not,� she grumbled, watching him run through a couple of experimental chords. �Okay,� he said, staggering unsteadily on the spot as he gestured for Joe to turn the stereo off, �we�re ready to play.�
�You look like you�re ready to faint, you mean,� hissed Alex from behind the drum kit, looking none too impressed.
Josh gave his drummer a Very Nasty Look. �Why is everybody picking on me? Just play.�
They played.
The crowd grew a little quieter as the music began, everybody shifting perceptibly toward the stage. Joe dimmed the lights so that the rest of the room became doused in shadow, leaving only the dais showered in bright stage lights he�d set up earlier. Josh had written the set list and unusually, they didn�t open with one of their more familiar, upbeat tracks. Instead, it was a hypnotic, melancholy song, Josh�s voice electronically distorted through his effects microphone.
If there's a God, who's got a road
leading to his house
The animals walk alone
The sign of the zodiac
I�m always scared of being alone
Sex is my drug and lifts my soul
The guitars kicked into overdrive, and Josh�s eyes lost focus as he strummed absently. Instead of looking out to the audience, he was staring blankly into the air three feet in front of him, as though he could see into the deep darkness, into somewhere unconstrained by space and time.
Got no love, got no home
Sick of being myself
Problem child, drives me wild
The sign of the zodiac
I am always scared of being alone�
In the far corner of the lounge, Ryder leaned back against a wall. Though Josh�s voice was warped, he could nevertheless make out the words like they were spoken from right beside him, an insouciant whisper by his ear, confessions of someone who had nothing left to lose. The bitterness behind those lyrics stung as he registered them, and he dropped his gaze, unable to look at the boy on the stage.
Josh�s eyes were half closed, and he wasn�t even watching his guitar hand, letting it do what it will, picking the wrong notes now and again with no discernable reaction to what he was actually playing. Emily and Bella exchanged panicked glances across the stage, but they could do nothing but to keep going. It wasn�t that Josh�s mistakes were obvious � they were lost in the uniform sound, in the music that was loud to the point of indiscriminateness anyway, but it just seemed as though he had lost the ability to care whether everything went to hell. His mind was elsewhere.
Everybody wants to be loved
Sex is my drug and lifts my soul�
***
�Faye,� panted Scout as he pushed through the crowd, finding the blonde at the front of the stage, staring up at Josh with pursed lips, an unhappy glint in her eyes. �Faye,� he exclaimed into her ear, straining to be heard over the music, �I�ve been looking all over for you. We need to talk.�
She turned. In the dim light, his eyes were a glittering, manic blue, as though from anxiety or a light fever. �What�s wrong?� she asked, alarmed.
�No, nothing�s wrong,� he let loose a peal of what seemed nervous laughter, and she furrowed her brows. �I mean it,� he said, more soberly this time, �I just have some� um, good news.�
�Good news?� she repeated dubiously, but allowed him to drag her through the crowd and out of the lounge area. She cast a glance over her shoulder at Josh as she went, worry lining her forehead as she looked at him performing, eyes strangely opaque as though in a trance, looking not at all concerned with what he was playing. The rest of the band were trying to pin down the music, but it was growing clearer and clearer as the song went on that Josh simply did not give a damn about how they played tonight.
�So,� she said hastily as they stopped in a corner of the kitchen, where they could talk without shouting into each other�s ear, her thoughts still firmly trained on Josh. �What�s up?�
Without further words he thrust an envelope at her. She looked up, startled, but he merely gestured for her to take it.
She opened it and carefully withdrew one folded sheet of paper. �What is it?� she asked, staring at the name �John� at the front of the envelope. Still, he remained silent. With another quick glance at him she opened the letter, and began to read.
The letter was written on plain notepaper, white with faint blue lines, the top irregularly serrated as though it had been ripped out of a notebook. The handwriting was the same as the one on the envelope.
Dear John,
I never got to find out your last name, so I hope there�s only one John at Kidsline. I hope you get to read this. I think I owe you that much. I don�t know if you remember but I called you on Halloween night. I don�t remember much of it now. But I think I must�ve freaked you out. When I think back on it I freak myself out, too.
So, yeah. I didn�t die. And it�s true, what they say, once you�ve seen what�s over the edge and have been pulled back, you don�t want to do it again in a hurry. I�m not saying things are all right� I don�t know if they�ll ever be all right. But I know I won�t try it again anytime soon. They say lots of people make this mistake when they do it for the first time. They take too many pills and throw them up without meaning to. So I guess if I ever do it again, I�ll make sure I do it properly. That was a joke, by the way. I�ve always been bad with jokes. Sorry.
I�m in hospital, still. They�re keeping an eye on me and there�s this shrink who visits me every other day. He�s nice. I think out of everyone I�ve met, he understands the most what it�s like. Not that he really knows, in the end, because it�s still down to you alone; but he understands that, at least. That in the end it�s a battle you have to fight on your own. I guess the difference now is that sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and think maybe I could win. Who knows? They�ve put me on anti-depressants. I think that helps, too. They sort of edit out certain bad thoughts.
I�m sorry for rambling. I�m sorry for rambling all about myself, too. I hope you�re all right. I thought writing to you might help, not only you but for me too, and it might put all that stuff behind us. Who knows, maybe I�ll call you again, one day.
Thank you for being there.
Love,
Lucia Appleton
�Lucia,� Faye murmured, the noise of the party around them suddenly dimming to an indistinct hum around them as she looked up, nearly meeting Scout�s eyes but not quite. A bubble seemed to have materialised around them, sealing out the harsh noises and shapes and colours in the world, leaving only a gentle buoyancy behind, a lightness, an understanding. She found, to her surprise, that there was a lump in her throat.
�Yeah.�
That was all he said. And for a moment she couldn�t stand to look at him, couldn�t stand to really think about the gravity of this and what it meant to finally know this girl, this girl she�d never even spoken to, the one she�d always thought of as a ghost lost inside the shadows� to know that she was alive, and well, and that her name was Lucia.
�My chest,� he said, his voice breaking, �it hurts. It hurts cos I�m so relieved and I want to laugh and cry at the same time, and I know I must look like an idiot, and I sound like an idiot, maybe I am an idiot for getting so involved, but I don�t even care because��
He trailed off as their gazes locked. There was a light shining behind her eyes, turning their colour to tender lilac.
�You�re not an idiot,� she said softly, reaching out to touch his cheek. �It matters that she�s okay. It matters so much��
And they didn�t really know how it came to be, inside this pastel cocoon, in their own remove from the world, away from reality�s insidious grasp, that they found themselves kissing each other, like a reprieve from a perfect memory.
It was sweet and tender and unexpected and familiar, as it should have been; their bodies fitting so well into each other�s contours that, for a moment, they seemed like two halves of a bigger whole. The kiss was unhurried and blissful and, to some extent, wonderfully blank, rid of all the doubts and fears that drove them apart so many months ago. Although, no sooner had coherent thought come back to their minds before Faye sprang back, her eyes flying open. �Um,� she said, staring at him and for once genuinely flustered, �I, um��
He stared back at her, a small blush crawling up his neck. �I�� he began to say, uncertainly, but she cut him off. �Look,� she said hurriedly, pressing a hand to her mouth as though she wanted to imprint the memory of the kiss even deeper, or if she wanted to get rid of it, he couldn�t tell. �Um, I have to go.�
�Faye,� he said with a plea in his voice, but she was already gone, swallowed up by the crowd.
***
Of all the nights this winter, this was the coldest yet. Pagan�s breath fogged up as he stepped onto the porch, scanning the unkempt lawns for signs of Grace. There was a light dry breeze swirling across the grounds, sharp like frozen razors against his skin. He was just about to go back inside when he caught sight of a huddled black figure at the foot of the elm tree by the sidewalk. �Grace?� he called uncertainly, stepping off the porch.
The figure didn�t answer, but as he came closer it lifted its head, and by the dim light that trickled from the house he could see that it was indeed Grace, her back pressed against the tree and her knees pulled up to her chest. Her face was tearstained and she was shivering uncontrollably. �Grace,� he said again, quickly slipping off his coat, �here.�
She made no move to take it. �Why are you being so nice to me?� she sniffled, looking away from his concerned gaze. �I�m a bitch and a stupid townie slut, even I know that. I don�t deserve nice friends.�
�It doesn�t matter,� he said, still holding out the jacket awkwardly.
�Of course it matters,� she said, dolefully. �At least, it matters to me.�
�I didn�t mean it like that.�
In the darkness, his eyes were almost black, and she couldn�t make out where the deep blue of his irises ended and where his pupils began, giving him an air of being eerily omniscient, his quiet words carrying a special gravity as he spoke them. �What I mean is,� he said slowly, as though he himself wasn�t sure what was coming next. �I don�t care what they say. You�re my friend. You�re cool the way you are. I know I haven�t known you for a very long time and yeah, maybe it�s true that you got around and whatever, but it doesn�t matter to me. I don�t have many friends and I certainly am not going to not be your friend just because people say nasty things about you.�
For a moment she remained staring at the ground, resolutely not meeting his eyes, but then her shoulders sagged as though giving in to some secret longing.
�Thanks,� she said, quietly, looking up and taking the jacket from him. She got to her feet, shrugging her shoulders into the thick, warm material and she glanced at him again, the corner of her lips lifted with a hint of a smile. �You think I�m cool?�
He laughed, with considerable relief. �What? Compared with my sci-fi geek friends? Are you kidding? You don�t know how many cool points I�ve scored with Michael since I started hanging out with you.�
She laughed, more freely this time. �The slut and the geek takes on the world,� she said, linking her arm through his. �Come on, let�s go to the diner.�
�Fries with butterscotch sauce,� he piped up immediately, grinning.
�I�ve created a monster,� she giggled.
�Why does everyone take one look at me and decide I�m from �the weirdo heap�?� he asked as they walked off toward Main Street. �I don�t look that geeky, do I?�
�Sweetie,� she sounded like she was suppressing a giggle as their voices grew fainter. �It�s your hippy clothes. You really haven�t figured that out? Maybe it�s time for me to take you shopping��
***
�What the hell is wrong with you?� hissed Bella as Josh finished the last song with a flourish, threw his pick into the audience, and then proceeded to stagger sideways and crash into her, sending both of them careening into the drum kit and nearly toppling it. Alex glared bloody murder, looking as though he had half a mind to come out and pummel Josh to a pulp.
Josh studied Bella with bleary, bloodshot eyes. Despite the stale, fervid warmth that filled the room, he was shaking, very white, his skin covered with a slight sweaty sheen. His new short hair only served to empathise the incredible thinness of his cheeks, making his eyes seem disproportionately large and vacant. �Nothing,� he said, looking as though he was about to burst into tears.
She cast an incredulous look at him just as Emily strode over. �Is it Bella�s time to sing already? So we�re not doing the violin song after all?� she asked, a little huffily, eyeing the electric violin propped up in the corner. �Thanks for letting me know in advance, Josh.�
He didn�t even bother to reply, running a hand through his tangled hair and walking back toward the front of the stage, dazedly, as though he wasn�t exactly sure where he was going or what he was doing here in the first place.
�Emily,� Bella said quickly, her concern getting the better of her. �Let�s just finish the gig and then we�ll sit down and talk it out and regroup. Just the last song.� Running forward, she grabbed Josh by the arm and dragged him back from the bright stage lights, which he was staring into as though he wanted to blind himself. �Josh,� she said urgently, �I need you to keep it together, okay? Just one more song and you�re home free. We�ve just got to do this one last song��
He blinked at her. �I�ve lost it,� he whispered, as though in confidence. �I think I�m going off the deep end��
�Oh, god,� she pressed a hand to her forehead. �This is not happening. Josh � get yourself together! We need you to be here and we need you to play properly! Just one more song� just one more song to close off the set and then��
�And then I�m free?� he asked, suddenly, the look in his eyes crystallising into something sharp and shadowed and cold, like icicles in the dark. �I�m free to do whatever I like?�
She stared at him. �I guess��
�Okay.�
And that was that. He nodded and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, a mask seemed to have slipped over his face, a momentary composure, a calm as bright and as artificial as the lights overhead. �Okay,� he said again, his voice suddenly steady, so much so, in fact, that it no longer seemed his voice at all. �Let�s get it done.�
Without another word to the girls he strode back up to the microphone, smiling out to the audience, a smile brilliant and brittle like splintered glass.
�Hey guys,� he said, cheerfully, �thanks for a great show. We�ve just got one last song here, and it�s gonna be performed by our lovely guitarist Bella Banks. So please give it up for Bella!�
Amidst a round of catcalls and cheers Bella stepped up to the microphone, a small nervous smile frozen on her face. She could make out Will and Sean in the front row, grinning up at her with huge, identical thumbs-up signs, and she could feel her rigid fa�ade relax, just a little, a real smile threatening to break through. �Um,� she said, shrinking back, startled, as her voice echoed through the room. She hadn�t counted on her amplified voice to be so loud. �Um,� she said again, a little quieter, squinting out into the darkness, �hi guys. This song is one that I wrote myself. It�s, um, called Brightest Star.�
She turned to look at Josh, uncertainly, and he nodded, fingers poised over the fretboard. �Okay,� she whispered to herself as Alex began to tap out the drumbeat behind her. �Let�s get it done.�
Eight bars, and the guitars came in. She sneaked another glance at Josh, who looked suddenly composed, picking through a set of notes with diligence long overdue, his head down, hair falling in front of his pale face like a curtain of black silk. She breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to the microphone, inhaling quickly and then exhaling again.
She sang.
Say goodbye
The girl you did adore her
Though you'd like to think you still could read her mind
So you find, your eyes are full of water
Creeping over to the places that you hide
Her voice was timid but sweet, like a songbird testing its throat for the first time. As she sang her mind began to clear, and the knowledge slowly sank in that she could handle it, just like she handled going onstage that incredible, nerve-racking Halloween night. Grinning a little, she fingerpicked a couple of notes on her guitar and began to sing again.
Look around, you got yourself a daughter
Just the kind of girl who never crossed your mind
Close your eyes, is something you have taught her
Brought her up to think like one of your own kind
Emily�s bassline picked up, and Bella found time to toss a smile in the other girl�s direction. Swaying gently to the beat, she looked out into the audience and caught sight of Will and Sean, both of them plainly beaming with pride. Her grin grew wider.
Close your eyes, you got yourself a daughter
Caught her underneath the stair behind the wall
Say goodbye, is what you taught
You thought you ought to take away her pride before she falls
Josh played methodically and precisely, trying to block out the thoughts that percolated through the barriers he had set up in his head, the flashing spots of colour dancing in front of him like perpetual fireworks. He looked up; that was a mistake, because in that instant he met Ryder�s eyes across the room, as if they were two opposite magnetic fields drawing each other in and it could not happened any other way. There was yet another girl beside Ryder now, a blonde with a bland pretty face and her arms wrapped possessively around his waist. Angrily, he wrenched his gaze away. The chorus kicked in and he strummed automatically, hot tears beginning to press threateningly against the backs of his eyes, and he didn�t know whether it was from anger or frustration or some deeper, darker feeling, a painful self-recognition that he didn�t dare delve into.
So we wonder what you would have done
If you had seen, just what she would be
She never will be what you think she should be
And if you had known that she would go this far
You would not have shot the brightest star
Open wide, she's supposed to take it easy
Taking anything she can to make her high
You and I, are faces in a gallery
Anonymous behind acrylic smiles
Bella�s voice grew stronger as they went along, and she grinned openly as she sang now, strumming with easy grace. The crowd was, for the most part, dancing, couples with their arms intertwined around each other; and she almost laughed as she watched them, the music flowing around the room in what seemed perfect harmony.
Take it in and pull it out again
You'll never see, just what she would be
She never will be what you think she should be
And if you had known that she would go this far
You would not have shot the brightest star
Say goodbye, you got yourself a daughter
Brought her up to think like one of your own kind
Close your eyes, there's something you have taught her
Close your eyes, there's something you have taught her
She sang the last notes with her eyes closed, savouring the shape of the words in her mouth, gauging their weight, the way she tried to open up her life to strangers. It was only when people started applauding that she opened her eyes, a radiant grin breaking through her furious blush. Behind her, Emily and Alex exchanged high-fives. Bella was a success.
Josh, however, was hardly paying attention. He was staring, hard, across the room, at the indiscriminate forms doused in shadow, Ryder and the girl who meant nothing, he was sure, to either of them; Ryder�s mouth trailing slowly down her neck, as though he was tasting something other than skin, as though he was trying to suck out her life itself. And as Josh watched he felt his own life slipping away, and suddenly he understood the full force of Susan�s words earlier this day, the despairing meaning that they carried, and the painful glimmer of freedom beyond the unimaginable.
It takes two people for a relationship and if one of them can�t change, she had said, then there�s no point in hanging around.
Despite their simplicity he hadn�t really understood the words. Until, perhaps, now.
Bella had turned toward him, beaming, and she was saying something but he couldn�t even hear her over the buzzing that had suddenly sprung up in his ears. He stared at her and a moment later she stopped talking, her eyes wide and she stepped toward him, and he knew he must have looked horrible because the expression on her face went beyond concerned to an incredulous, dazed kind of fear, but he strode right past her and grabbed the microphone with so much force that a wave of feedback suddenly shrieked across the room, piercing through the din in his mind like an arrow made of the brightest silver.
�Hey guys,� he said to the wincing crowd, no longer caring what they thought or indeed whether they were listening at all. �Sorry about that. We actually have one more song to play. I wasn�t gonna play it tonight but I think I just figured out something and,� he glanced toward Ryder, his mouth set in a grim smile. �Frankly I need the closure. So just bear with us, all right?�
�Josh,� hissed Emily, aghast, �what are you doing?�
He turned back to her, resolve flickering in his eyes like turquoise flames. �You get to play your violin.�
The others exchanged a look that was not lost on him, a look that clearly communicated that they were going to give him an earful when they eventually got off this stage, but he didn�t care. He felt distant and muted and strangely powerful and beyond worrying about anything at this point except to get this bloody song out, because he wrote it for Ryder and he wrote it to try and say all the things he couldn�t say about this relationship that really wasn�t a relationship at all, and it was about time that he came out with it, cleanse himself of all the pain and self-hatred and this stupid idea of an ephemeral, patient love that could be somehow solidified and reciprocated. He hoped it was enough to set him free. And if it wasn�t� well, fuck it. Fuck it all. It was all he had left to give.
�Okay,� he said into the microphone, though he wasn�t really speaking to anyone but himself and Ryder. �This song is about a girl called Lisa. Now, unlike most songs about certain people, I didn�t fall in love with her or sleep with her or even like her, but I can�t deny that she was an important part of my life. It suffices to say I wanted to be her. Or at least be what she represented to me.� A pause, and he added, more quietly, �I still do. But it�s a sick and horrible thing to want, because somewhere along the way I realised it can never happen��
�What the hell are you talking about?� shouted a drunken voice from within the crowd. �Dude, you�ve got some serious issues!�
Josh took no notice. He was looking toward the back of the room again, where Ryder had disentangled himself from the girl and was now watching him, his eyes narrowed in the dark, his jaw clenched and his shoulders rigid. Not far from him, Faye stood, her arms wrapped around herself as though cold; and she too looked up to the stage, her eyes travelling over Josh�s resolute expression, his white face, and she seemed simultaneously fascinated and terrified.
�So,� Josh said, his eyes cast downward, swinging his guitar from his hip and beginning to strum a morose, pretty tune. �This song is called Fishing for Lisa.�
I'm fishing for Lisa
Like a meaning in the water lost
I should have known better
Now I sit here trying to count my loss
I thought you were my reason to live
Through the darkness he could see Ryder visibly tense all over, his gaze cutting an icy path through the warm air. A corner of Josh�s lips curled up and he could taste his old smile again, the one he remembered from days gone by. This was an ending. Perhaps not the ending he�d wanted, but an ending nonetheless. And as he thought those thoughts the pain of giving up tore through him like a knife rending, and he almost didn�t hear Emily�s violin pick up behind him, a plaintive, gentle sound, its melody supplementing his voice, this tremulous, sorrowful voice that he still had control over if nothing else. After all, he still had himself. Sometimes he needed reminding.
I'm trying to find my angel
You give nothing, get the same returned
I said it would be this hard
Well if you want it, when are you going to learn?
I thought you're my reason to live
I thought you're my reason to live
Faye stared, transfixed, at Josh onstage, who seemed to shine with an unearthly glow as he sang, gazing straight at Ryder, for once without any sort of disguise in his eyes, the intensity of his love and his despair radiating from him in waves alternating light and dark, as though in singing this song he was physically forcing these emotions to take shape, to examine them and then to let them go, dissipating in the stifling air and leaving behind only what they have not yet ravaged, if anything at all. She bit down hard on her lip as she heard his words, as he sang them out loud, all the things he wanted to say but never really said, and she finally realised that loving Ryder was, perhaps in the end, the worst thing Josh could ever do to himself, the cruellest, the most unfortunate, the most painful. And, she quietly told herself as she listened to this sad, beautiful song, even now unable to grasp the concept in its entirety, that it might be better if he�d let it all go.
When are you gonna wake up?
When are you gonna want what's in your face?
When are you gonna give up?
Cos when you do I'm going to take your place
Josh could feel an inadvertent tear rolling down his cheek, and it was as though he were in two places at once, up in the air and watching this scene unfolding him with a sense of distance and inevitability, and down here, on this stage, telling his story as he knew it, in his words and his words alone. The pain inside his chest was shifting, and changing, like a sort of sublimation. It hurt, and he was glad it hurt. It meant that he was still able to feel through this, and perhaps after everything was over, after these feelings were bleached and dimmed by the passage of time, he could be whole again. He looked through Ryder as he sang these words, the truth of them, and his silent promise to himself that this truth cannot � will not � kill him from the inside.
I thought you're my reason to live
I thought you're my reason to live
�Fuck this,� Ryder suddenly said, wrenching his gaze from Josh�s. For a moment he met Faye�s eyes and she shrank back at the anger in them, the rawness of feeling that streaked across his face like a furious cascade rushing past a collapsed dam. �Fuck it!� he yelled at her, his voice drowned out by the music, and only she saw the glint of tears in his eyes, the way his voice broke as he turned away and strode out of the door, slamming it behind him with all his might. The girl he was with stared after him, her mouth hanging open. She whirled around to face Faye, her expression accusatory, as though it were Faye�s fault that Ryder left, but Faye simply turned back to the stage, looking for Josh�s reaction.
He�d seen Ryder storm out, and the sight was a confirmation, for him, that his choice was the right one. There was a painfully triumphant smile on his face even as he leaned into the microphone, grasping it with both hands, letting tears stream down his face. He saw Ryder lose his composure. He saw Ryder depart. It all made sense in a way he didn�t want to think about, but forced himself to nonetheless. It takes two people for a relationship and if one of them can�t change, then there�s no point in hanging around. The world swirled around him in dizzying circles but his voice was steady, and strong, and it rang out loud and clear in this room, the music swelling behind him like a wave threatening to crash down overhead, like a new life waiting to envelop him. And at that moment he felt something inside him break, cleanly, without shards or splinters, and it was the worst pain he�d ever known, but he smiled through it. He sang through it. That was enough.
He hoped it was enough.
I'm fishing for Lisa
Like a meaning in the water lost
You should've known better
Than a lecture at your daughter�s cost
I thought you're my reason to live
I thought you're my reason to live
I thought you're my reason to live
I thought you're my reason to live�
Faye glanced alternately between Josh and the space that Ryder occupied. The song was drawing to a close and Josh was singing out as though his life depended on it, his eyes closed tightly and his face slick with tears. She was just about to go after Ryder when a loud crash sounded onstage.
She swirled around: Josh had fallen to the ground, landing in a graceless heap, crumpled and unmoving.
Part Six
When Josh came to, he found himself lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room, which was softly hued by the dim yellow light of a single bedside lamp. Though, the raucous sounds of milling people can be heard through the walls, and he quickly realised that this had to be a bedroom in Joe�s house, with the party still raging on all around him. He tried to sit up, but a splitting pain shot through his head and he groaned, collapsing back down.
�It hurts?� came Faye�s voice. He squinted and tilted his head, managing to see that she was sitting on a chair beside the bed, her feet propped up and her fingers interlinked on her lap. She studied him coolly. �Good. You deserve it.�
�No compassion,� he moaned, throwing an arm across his eyes.
�I�m not sure you deserve any,� she said crisply as she pushed aside his arm to place something damp and cool on his forehead. �What the hell was that about, huh? Fainting onstage? How melodramatic can you get?�
�Well, I�m sorry, mother,� his tone would have been acidic had there been any conviction in them, but there wasn�t; all that remained in him was a blank placidity, an unnatural calm after the storm. �But in case you didn�t see, I didn�t exactly mean to faint, it just happened.�
She didn�t say anything for a long while, her cool fingers carefully arranging the cold compress on his forehead. He closed his eyes, wearily, and they remained like that for a while, silent but for the sounds of the party still going on downstairs.
When she finally spoke, her voice was as soft as feathers.
�You can�t keep on doing this to yourself.�
His eyes fluttered open, slowly. In the dim light his pupils were dilated, dark and opaque, leaving around them only a thin rim of blue-green. �I know,� he said, and then again, louder. �I know.�
She bit her lip. �Do you?�
He took the cold compress off his forehead and struggled to sit up. She placed an arm around him and helped him to lean against the headboard. Pulling his legs close to his chest, he hugged them, resting his chin on his knees, staring at the wall opposite the bed. �I know I�ve been screwing up royally for the past few months,� he said, softly. �Even before Ryder and I��
She nodded, studying his wan expression. He reached up, absently, to brush his hair away from his face, only to realise that with the shorter cut there was no longer any need. �I mean,� he said, still resolutely looking at the wall, �I went back to doing a lot of things I said I�d never do again. I just�� he sighed, burying his face in his hands. �My life�s running away from me. I can�t take it.�
�How can I help?� she asked, taking one of his hands in hers. �Just tell me and I�ll do anything I can��
�You can�t help,� he said bluntly, and looked suddenly contrite when she pulled back, hurt. �No, that�s not what I meant. I just mean I have to make things right. I can�t rely on you or anyone else to do it for me. I just realised that earlier. I think I had an epiphany up there, when I was singing� or maybe it was before. I don�t even know anymore. That�s not important. What�s important is I think I figured it out. I mean, I really figured it out this time��
�Josh,� she interrupted, surprised by the frantic gleam in his eyes. �I think you should get some rest. We could talk about this tomorrow, when you calm down��
�No,� he said emphatically, grabbing her arm. �I need to say this now. I have to make you understand.� There was light in his eyes, a swirling cacophony of emotion, and as she stared at him she couldn�t help thinking that she had never seen him this way. Despite the gauntness, the ghostly pale skin, the haunted hollowed eyes, he had suddenly become beautiful again, like he was before any of this had begun. There seemed to be a fire burning brightly from within him, a glittering flame, which shone through his eyes and his flesh and the way he placed his long fingers on her arm, digging them in with an urgency that she had not witnessed for many months. �I have to make myself understand this, don�t you see?� he demanded, almost hysterically, his eyes burning into hers. �I was sinking and no one could save me, and I thought Ryder could be the one to pull me up from this, I thought he could make things all right again if he could only see� but it�s not like that. It�s never been like that. Even if he did care for me��
�He does,� she said, �you know he does. He tries to hide it but��
�Yeah.� There was a funny little smile about his lips. �You think I don�t know that? It�s not much good to anybody if he doesn�t even admit it to himself, though, is it? And I thought that if I could only hold on for long enough, then he might just change his mind one day and then one day we could be happy. That he could make me happy. That he could make all this�� he sighed, his dark lashes sweeping downward as though in a gesture of defeat, �make all the goddamn crap in my life go away. But that�s never going to happen, is it? I can�t wait for him to come around. And I can�t count on him, either, to make my life all right.�
�So what are you saying?� she asked, her eyes strangely misty. �That you�re giving up?�
He studied her for a moment, his eyes as serene and as unfathomable as a boundless stretch of ocean.
�I�m saying I�m walking away.�
Her eyes widened. �You�re leaving Rawley?�
He hit her on the head with a pillow. �It�s an expression!�
There was a smile on his face, almost happy, almost uninhibited. She laughed and suddenly the sombre mood was broken, the atmosphere in the room springing to life. �Yes,� he said, �I�m giving up on Ryder. Screw him.� A pause, and he added, mischievously, �And not literally, either � that was kind of the whole point.�
Still chuckling, she sneaked a look at him. �But doesn�t it hurt?� she asked quietly.
The smile remained on his face, though the look in his eyes turned melancholic. �Of course it does,� he said, turning away. �It hurts to let him go. I�ve loved him for so long I can�t even remember what it�s like, not loving him� but I�m going to try. Otherwise, it�s just going to kill me one of these days��
Gingerly, she reached out and touched his sleeve. �You�re so thin,� she said, quietly, a little nervously, afraid that he would start yelling at her again. God knew it wasn�t the first time they had an argument over his weight.
�You know what Malcolm said?� he asked, apropos of nothing.
She blinked. �What?�
�He thinks I�m anorexic,� he chuckled lightly, though his tone was meditative. �I gave him an earful at the time. But�� he looked down at his hands, his slim white hands with the long, tapered fingertips, an artist�s hands. �Last night I woke up on the floor of some random apartment in Carson and I couldn�t even remember where I was, so I started crawling across the floor, and there was a mirror there. I looked into it, and I couldn�t even recognise myself. That was when I realised he was right.�
She stared at him. �Josh��
�Don�t worry, Tinkerbell,� he said brightly, resorting to their old childhood nickname, �it�ll be okay.�
�God,� she hastily dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. �I feel so stupid. I should be the one comforting you, not the other way around.�
Gently, he reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. �I don�t need comforting,� he whispered, �not anymore.�
***
Jake�s room
The night pressed against the world from every angle, seemingly devoid of moon or stars or anything that would lend even a spectre of light.
Jake and Hamilton sat on the bed, side by side, her head resting lightly against his shoulder and his arm around her waist. They stared out the window, their gazes resting on nothing in particular, and they were silent. The only sound in the room was the soft, constant ticking of the bedside clock.
�It doesn�t feel real,� she said. �My last night here.�
�I won�t let you go,� he replied, quiet but determined. �We�ll enrol you at Rawley Girls�.�
�They won�t let me,� she said, and there was a tired resignation to her voice.
�I�ll make them,� he merely said.
She smiled, a little sadly, but did not reply.
�Did you call your mom?� he asked, kissing her lightly on the corner of her forehead.
�What�s the point of talking to her when she�s coming anyway?� she sighed. �I turned my phone off. We�ll talk tomorrow.�
�Are you going to tell the others?� his tone was contemplative. �What about Bella?�
�I�ll let them know,� she said, glancing up at him, her eyes almost golden in the faint light. �But right now, I just want to spend the rest of my time with you.�
�Jake,� he whispered, touching his forehead to hers. �No matter what happens, you know I love you.�
�I love you,� she murmured as their lips brushed against each other, and he pulled her toward him, gathering her to him, holding on tightly, as though with that one kiss he could keep her from leaving, as though they could stay like that forever and not care about the never-ending, relentless events that went on around them like a river constituted of time. She kissed him back, her eyes falling closed, and it was only then that he felt the vague dampness on her cheeks, realised that she was crying and, perhaps, that he was crying too.
***
Scout and Hamilton�s room
Scout sat on the ground, leaning against his bed and staring mournfully into the terrarium that housed George the tortoise. George was tucked into one corner of the glass tank, limbs retracted into his shell, though his neck still poked out and Scout could see his beady black eyes looking back in sage contemplation of his owner.
�Well,� Scout said to the tortoise, �what do you think that kiss meant?�
George just stared at him.
�Great,� Scout sighed, rolling his eyes skyward. �Now I�m asking a turtle for advice. This has to be a new low.�
�He�s a tortoise,� a voice suddenly piped up from the doorway, sounding amused. �I thought you knew that.�
He leapt up as though stung. �Jesus! You nearly gave me a heart attack!�
�Sorry,� Faye said, leaning casually against the doorframe. �The door was open. Sort of.�
�Yeah,� he grinned, sticking his hands into his jeans pockets. �I was hoping you�d show.�
�Confident, Master Calhoun?� she asked gently, letting herself into the room.
He smiled. �Hopeful.�
She smiled back, albeit a little uncertainly. The light from the hallway sconces encased her in fuzzy gold, making her look as though she were aglow from within. �Um,� she said, sounding uncharacteristically timid. �About what happened, earlier��
�Faye,� he interrupted, �you know where I stand on this. I�ve never changed. If you are even remotely contemplating getting back together� I really want us to have another try at this.�
�Yeah,� she was studying the floor, a faint blush on her cheeks. �Well, you�ve changed a lot, Scout. You don�t need me to tell you that.�
�Changed� for the better?� he asked hopefully.
A pause, and she looked up, her violet eyes offset by the light. �I think so,� she said quietly. �And maybe it�s time for us to, you know, have another go at this.�
His face lit up so suddenly and so forcefully that for a moment she almost felt moved to laugh, but she held it down � after all, laughing and pointing wasn�t exactly the proper reaction to have in such circumstances. But she was touched all the same; at the sheer amount of hope and happiness she could give to him with such small words, such small gestures. He made a move towards her and she smiled, shaking her head. �Let�s take this slow, okay?� she said. �I don�t want to screw it up.�
�Me neither,� he said quickly, stuffing his hands back in his pockets. �So��
�So,� she finished for him, �we ease back into it. A date sometime would be nice.�
�But I�m going to my mom�s for winter break!� he exclaimed, his face falling. �When will I see you?�
�Oh, I�m sure you will,� she laughed, rather coquettishly, and turned to go. �Bye, Scout.�
�Hey, that�s not fair!� he chuckled, dashing to the doorway. �At least tell me where you�re going.�
�New York,� she said without turning around. As he watched her traipse down the hall, her black coat billowing out slightly behind her, she said laughingly, �Maybe I�ll run into you there.�
�New York, huh?� he murmured to himself, a smile floating to his lips. �You can bet on it.�
***
The Gas Station
Ominous, leaden clouds rolled across the morning sky, concealing it entirely from view. There was a stinging chill in the air, heavy with the promise of first snow. Bella sat at the counter, nursing a steaming mug of hot chocolate, lost in thought.
�Morning,� called Grace as she pounded down the stairs, looking refreshed and rather cheerful.
�Hey.� Bella turned, regarding her sister with no small amount of suspicion. �When�d you come home last night?�
�Late,� Grace said, not too informatively, as she poured herself a cup of coffee and settled on the couch. �Did you play your song?�
Bella couldn�t help a smile. �Yeah.�
�It went well, I suppose,� Grace said, sounding a little bored but, to Bella�s surprise, maintaining � or at least trying to maintain � vestiges of interest in her expression. �Good for you.�
�All right,� Bella frowned. �Spill. What�s up with you?�
Grace blinked innocently. �What do you mean?�
�What�s with the concerned sister act?� Bella asked. �You were never interested in stuff like this.�
Grace smirked. �Can�t a person change, Bella?�
For a moment Bella stared at her sister, lost for words. Grace rolled her eyes and slumped back. �Who knows,� she said sullenly, �maybe you�re a lost cause.�
�I�m sorry, Gracie,� Bella said, contrite. �You just surprised me, is all.�
�That�s okay,� Grace said dismissively, beginning to flip through a magazine by her side.
�Grace,� Bella sounded genuinely baffled. �Where were you last night? Weren�t you at the party?�
�Just for a while,� Grace said, peering over the top of the magazine. �Then I left. Kinda realised it wasn�t really my scene.�
Bella�s jaw dropped. �Not your scene?� she demanded. �All right, who are you and what have you done with my sister?�
Grace laughed and pretended to throw the magazine at the other girl. �Come on,� she said, more seriously this time, �you think I can�t change? I was with Pagan. We went to the diner and then we hung out in his dorm room.�
A familiar understanding quickly dawned behind Bella�s eyes, a look that Grace knew only too well. A little injured, she pouted, �We weren�t doing anything. We�re just friends.�
�Right,� said Bella, very dubiously. �So you were in a guy�s dorm room until � what? � three in the morning, doing �friend� stuff?�
�Actually,� Grace grinned, �he was teaching me how to play Magic cards. His roommate was there, too. Funny little Chinese guy. You can ask them if you want � I have nothing to hide.�
If Bella�s jaw was gaping open before, it had certainly hit the floor now. �Magic cards?� she squeaked, looking as though she were about to choke on the words. �That�s it, you�re some government agent sent in undercover. You�ve killed Grace and now you�re infiltrating our family. That�s the only explanation.�
�Sorry to burst your bubble,� Grace giggled, enjoying her sister�s absolute astonishment. �And speaking of undercover,� she narrowed her eyes and sat up straight, crossing her arms over her chest. �Why didn�t you tell me that Jake�s a girl?�
Suddenly, the air inside the room seemed to take on a solid shape, thick and gelatinous, incapable of being inhaled. In the moment of a heartbeat Bella had turned astonishingly pale. �What?� she said weakly, �Jake��
�Come off it,� Grace said impatiently. �I know everything. Pagan knows. He told me yesterday. He told the principal, too.�
�What?� exclaimed Bella, leaping to her feet, �the Dean knows?�
�Yeah,� Grace eyed her sister. �Didn�t Jake tell you?�
*Audioslave�s �I am the Highway� starts*
�She didn�t tell me anything!� cried Bella, already halfway out the door, grabbing her car keys from the counter as she ran. Grace stared after her and shrugged, turning back to her magazine.
�Money and issues, the two crucial elements of any Rawley kid,� she muttered to herself, and smiled, pleased with her own assessment.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy
A man and a woman walked down the hallway of the boys� dormitories. Their footsteps were silent, as though wary of disturbing the eerie peace that had settled over the building, most of its inhabitants having left for winter break. Dean Fleming walked solemnly, slightly ahead, and by his side was Monica Pratt, her four-inch heels sinking into the soft carpet with every step. Her beautiful face was uncharacteristically lined with worry, and no small amount of incredulity. But she didn�t say anything as she followed the Dean to the door at the end of the hall.
Before they had quite reached it, the mahogany door swung open.
Despite all that she had been told, Monica let loose a small gasp, her hand flying to her mouth. Her daughter stood in the doorway, face pale but posture very erect, solemn but composed, as though she had been waiting for this moment all her life.
Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for the leaving I feel
�Jacqueline,� Monica whispered, almost staggering back as she took in the appearance of her daughter, the flat plane of her chest, the baggy trousers and layers of flannel shirts. For a moment she seemed incapable of speech.
Jake just looked at her, a mixture of sorrow and defiance in her eyes.
Finally, Monica�s gaze fastened with her daughter�s. �Why?� she whispered, the rims of her eyes growing red even as the words left her mouth.
Jake looked back, the expression in her eyes unchanging.
�Because,� she said, �I was waiting for someone to notice.�
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
At those simple, steely words, Monica could feel her tears fall. She stared, in almost utter incomprehension, as her daughter turned and picked up a couple of bags from inside the door. �That�s all, I guess,� Jake said, and for a moment Monica thought she was talking to herself until she caught sight of Hamilton behind the door, slinging one of Jake�s bags over his shoulder. �Hamilton,� Monica choked out, the words escaping her, �Hamilton��
�I�m sorry, Monica,� he said hurriedly, avoiding her eyes. �I�m sorry I didn�t tell you.�
For a moment her face crumpled, as though she couldn�t hold it in any longer, as though the weight of the realisation, the fact of her failed parenthood, had all become too much to bear. Steven Fleming felt moved to place a hand on her arm. �Are you all right, Ms. Pratt?� he asked anxiously.
�Yes,� Monica sniffed, and took a deep breath, dabbing at her eyes. �Yes,� she said again, and straightened, forcing a smile onto her pale face. �I am okay.�
Hamilton gazed at the two Pratt women, and in that moment finally saw the distinct similarity between them, the straight spines, the wavering but defiant smiles, the identical, determined looks in their eyes that said plainly to the world that they could take on anything. Like mother like daughter.
Monica turned to Jake. �Shall we go, then?� she asked, quietly, her voice carrying neither admonishment nor alarm, as though her loss of composure was just a slip-up, an abnormality.
Jake looked back at her mother, and something like understanding passed between them, like a slow-moving current under the sea, invisible but more than a force enough to draw in the world.
�Yes,� she said, equally quietly. �It�s time to go.�
***
Friends and liars don't wait for me
Cos I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel
Out on the steps leading to the dormitory, Faye watched Josh shove one last suitcase into the back of his mini. Running her gloved hands briskly up and down her arms, she stepped forward. �You sure about this?� she asked, her eyes searching warily over his expression.
�It�s for the best,� he said, and his tone was at the same time resigned and hopeful. �Come visit me soon, okay?�
�Of course,� she promised, her voice turning husky.
�The O�Sullivan Clinic for Eating Disorders,� he said. �Don�t forget.�
She managed a wobbly smile. �I won�t.�
�Well,� he stuck his hands in his coat pocket and looked up at her, his eyes a lucent shade of aquamarine. �I guess this is it.�
�Call me if they�re not treating you well there,� she said quickly, �I�ll come sort them out.�
He laughed. �I�m sure you will.�
She reached out and embraced him, pressing her hands against his back as though she was passing some sort of life force into him, to help bring the old sparkle back. �I love you,� she whispered into his ear, pressing her cold cheek against his.
�I love you too,� he said, for a moment clinging to her as though he were afraid to let go, and she could feel his frail body in her grasp, light and insubstantial like a small bird, with hollow bones.
When they parted, she noticed a white flake caught just above his eye, standing out starkly against the dark lashes. �Oh!� she exclaimed, �It�s snowing.�
Indeed, it was snowing. As they looked upward, they could see giant flakes of it descending from heaven, like feathers plucked from an angel�s wings, floating serenely down toward the ground, with the silent promise of covering the world with its pristine gentleness.
High above them, where they did not look, there stood a lone blond figure at the rooftop of the dormitory building. He, too, looked up when the snow began to fall, but quickly his gaze returned to the couple down below. Ryder watched as Faye gave Josh one final hug before Josh ducked inside his car, starting the engine. He watched as the mini drove toward the school gates and then out of it, passing around the bend. Snow caught in his hair, lending him an aged, melancholic appearance, but he did not even seem to notice. He merely watched the direction in which Josh departed, the look in his eyes painfully guileless, full of regret and secret shame. He watched until Josh�s car passed completely out of sight, and then he, too, turned and walked away.
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
***
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
It was a strange, sombre procession that walked down the halls of Rawley Academy. Monica held onto Jake�s arm, loosely, perhaps in guidance, and they advanced slowly toward the stairs, as though the footsteps themselves knew of the gravity of this walk, knew of what it represented; behind them trailed Steven and Hamilton, each carrying one of Jake�s bags, their footsteps ringing out in unison.
As they passed Scout�s room the door opened, and both Scout and Will came out, chuckling to each other. But as they turned, their faces turned into stony masks of disbelief as they saw the scene in front of them. �Jake,� Scout said weakly, �What�s going on?�
Jake stopped, just for a moment, and a wry smile floated to her lips. �Hey guys,� she said. �Well, I guess the secret�s out. I�m out of here.�
�Jacqueline,� Monica interrupted quietly, not looking at the boys, �we have to go.�
Jake nodded, and with another small wistful smile at the guys, continued on her way. Will and Scout glanced at each other and, without another word, joined the group as they walked down the stairway. Hamilton glanced over his shoulder at them and the ghost of a smile floated to his lips. �Thanks,� he said quietly, watching his friends nod gravely in reply.
As they passed the common room, a figure emerged from within. It was Pagan, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, staring silently at Jake as she passed. She held his gaze this time, steadily, almost carelessly, and she thought she saw inside his eyes a shade of uncertainty, a tinge of regret. Monica�s gaze passed over Pagan like wind over water, and she gave no indication of seeing him, though she must have. This wasn�t a time for questions.
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
The entrance was in sight. As they neared it, they could see that it was snowing outside, giant flakes of it, swirling in the winter air under a hazy grey sky, the ground already thinly covered with a coat of vivid white. At the top of the stone steps a figure in a long black coat turned to greet them. It was Faye. �Hey,� she said quietly as Jake approached, and without preamble reached over and hugged the other girl. �Take care of yourself,� she said, kissing Jake on the cheek.
�Yeah,� Scout piped up from behind. �Keep in touch, man.�
�It was great having you here, Jake,� Will smiled as he came forward to slap his friend on the back. �You�re one hell of a woman.�
Despite everything Jake could feel a smile spreading over her face. �Guys,� she murmured, �I��
She was interrupted by the low rumble of a motor as a familiar truck swerved into the gates and pulled to a stop directly in front of the steps. Bella emerged from the driver�s side, running up the stairs and almost slipping in her haste. �Jake,� she panted, �thank god I caught you��
�Hey girl,� Jake�s smile wavered as she embraced her friend. �I�m glad you made it. I�m sorry about not telling you, I meant to call��
�It�s okay,� Bella whispered in her ear, her hold tightening. �I swear it�s all going to be okay.�
�Yeah,� Jake sniffed as she pulled back, hastily wiping a tear from her eye. �I�m sure it will be.�
�We should go, Jacqueline,� Monica said again, tugging gently on her daughter�s arm.
�Okay,� Jake blinked and another tear fell; this time she made no effort to conceal it. �Bye guys,� she said quietly to the group, �you�ll hear from me soon, okay?�
�Bye,� everyone chorused, solemnly, watching as she descended the steps after Monica, still looking over her shoulder.
�Jake!� Hamilton pushed his way to the front and ran down the steps after her, taking her by the hand. �Let me go with you,� he pleaded, �I want to be with you.�
�You will be,� she said tenderly, brushing away a dark tendril of hair from his forehead. �But I�ve got to sort things out with my mom. I�ll call you first thing when I get to New York, okay?�
�You promise?� he hung on to her hand, stubbornly, his blue eyes burning into hers.
She smiled. �I promise.�
�Okay,� he murmured as he leaned in and left the softest of kisses on her lips, like the sweet, faint fluttering of a butterfly�s wings. �I love you, Jake.�
�I love you,� she replied, with another small, shaky smile, and then she was walking away, toward Monica, toward the parking lot, walking into the swirling snow. Hamilton remained at the foot of the steps, following her with his intent gaze, vivid colour in his cheeks, his eyes feverishly bright. Behind him, Will, Bella, Faye and Scout all stood, watching as Jake�s figure gradually faded into the misty whiteness.
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�I realise now that freedom can mean many different things to different people. Freeing yourself from guilt, from lies, from lost loves� it�s too complex to group into broad categories of �good� or �bad�. All I can really say is that freedom gives back some of the things you thought were gone; options, I guess, about how to live your life from now on. Freedom, in the end, means you have a chance at another new beginning.�
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
Monica�s maroon Jaguar was in sight, covered with a faint dusting of snow. Jake advanced towards it, staggering a little under the weight of her bags. She didn�t look at her mother; despite all her pretences that things would be all okay, she didn�t really know anything from this point onwards. She did not know her own mother well enough to predict what would come, after the shock of discovery, after the goodbyes.
�Jacqueline,� When Monica finally spoke, it was surprisingly with an air of wonder. �These people� they are all your friends? You never had many friends��
Jake turned again, waving at the vague forms she could still see standing at the entrance to Rawley Academy, the place she had called home for the past eighteen months.
When she turned back to Monica, tears were streaming down her face, but she was smiling.
