Author�s note: I don�t actually know if there�s a Four Seasons in Boston, so that�s purely guesswork. Not at all familiar with New York, which is why I didn�t place the Leighs� apartment in a particular location. I�m thinking of writing more New York-based episodes, so if anyone familiar with the city could drop me a line, I would be very grateful for any of your advice. Also, is everyone aware that Ryder�s full name is Gregory Ryder Forrest? The knowledge might save you some confusion in the later parts of the story.
Acknowledgements: Once again to Cassandra Claire and her truly inspiring writing.
Additional disclaimer: As depicted on story banner, guest stars Simon Leigh �played by� Christopher Meloni (Law and Order: SVU), and Edward Forrest �played by� Sir Ian McKellen. I think Sir Ian�s eyes are blue, but let�s say he has grey eyes in my episodes, which is much more fitting for a great old bastard like Edward Forrest. �Sex is my drug and lifts my soul� is a line from a Babylon Zoo song. There�ll be more on that later.
Part One
Teaser
Like always, winter had arrived with a certain frosty briskness that still managed to surprise the residents of New Rawley. The trees on Cedar Street had completely shed their leaves, their bare stark limbs stretched toward the sky, like scraps of spidery black lace. It was late afternoon, and the neighbourhood was quiet.
Suddenly, the sound of a slamming door reverberated through the air. A moment later, Brian Krudski stormed down his driveway, his whisky-reddened face contorted by wrath. He wrenched open the gate and staggered onto the street, charging away.
*Travis� �Re-Offender� starts*
The interior of the house was a complete mess. Chairs and tables were overturned, spilling things all over the floor. Near the kitchen counter, a pile of broken glass bottles rested, glittering gaily under the shifting light.
Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Jones�s
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions
But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Susan Krudski leaned against the counter, her red hair falling across her face, her hands gripping the enamel countertop. Staring into space, her blue eyes lifeless, she didn�t seem to notice the throbbing in her temple, nor the deep purple bruise on the top of her left cheekbone, spreading across her pale skin like a flower slowly blossoming.
***
Rawley Academy, the boathouse
Cos you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorrys
But then you do it again, you do it again
Anita Simons pushed Will Krudski against the wall, kissing him roughly, her hands grasping his shoulders, her nails digging into his arms with something that almost seemed like reckless relish.
He kissed her back before pulling away, gasping for breath. �I�ve got to go.�
�No, you don�t,� she mumbled, kissing him again. For a moment he succumbed, tightening his hold around her waist, savouring the taste of her lips, her softness pressed up against him. Then he broke off the kiss and grinned sheepishly, �Anita, I�ve gotta go. Mom wants me home for dinner.�
�Fine,� she stepped away, pouting. �See if I care.�
He smiled at the defiant look in her eyes. �See you later, Anita.�
�Maybe,� she tossed her dark hair across one shoulder and gave him a smouldering look, �maybe not.�
He chuckled as he strode out of the boathouse, straightening his rumpled shirt as he went.
***
Everybody thinks you're well
Everybody thinks I'm ill
Watching me fall apart
Falling under your spell
Susan stared into the mirror, her gaze travelling placidly over her battered face, betraying neither anger nor hurt. Her eyes resembled blank slates or shuttered rooms, free from emotion, free from doubt. With a steady hand she began to apply a thin layer of cold cream to her black eye.
Green-toned concealer, then flesh-toned concealer a shade darker than her magnolia skin. Liquid foundation, preferably the exact shade of her skin tone, and finally loose powder to set the look. Her training as a beautician had come in handy more than once, and she was an old hand at covering up little imperfections, the odd bruise.
But today, no matter how many times she applied and reapplied the makeup, the black eye managed to seep through, like a pool of murky water beneath a frosted surface. She fumbled through the bathroom drawers until she found the old pair of large black sunglasses she kept on hand. She put it on, then took it off again, scrutinising the difference that it made. It didn�t quite hide the bruising, but perhaps, between the sunglasses and the makeup� She put the glasses on again and looked at herself sideways, critically assessing her reflection.
She took them off again, and suddenly paused, her hand frozen in midair as she looked at herself in the mirror.
A strange woman stared back at her, with worry lines etched around her eyes and a mouth pinched with anxiety. Was this what she really looked like? Working in the salon, she had spent her life around mirrors, between mirrors, mirrors upon mirrors, mirrors reflected in more mirrors, yet she felt like she was seeing herself for the first time in years. Who was she trying to kid with those glasses and those stupid layers of makeup? What was she doing?
But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
The sunglasses clattered into the sink but she did not even notice, staring fixedly at her reflection, her wide, fearful eyes that no longer danced with laughter as she remembered they once did. She raised a tentative hand to her cheek, feeling the papery texture of the skin, the fine lines that had invaded and taken over her youth, all without her really noticing.
***
Cos you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorrys
And then you do it again, you do it again and again�
Will biked down Main Street, the chilly evening air brushing against his face. He breathed in, savouring the distinct small-town smell of leaves and dust and the ball park and the diner and all things New Rawley. As he cruised past Friendly�s, he caught sight of Maria Ishizuka working inside and waved. She waved back, grinning.
He took a sweeping turn past the gas station, heading toward home. Dusk had fallen, and the orange glow of street lamps surrounded him softly as he coasted down the streets.
***
But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
A small suitcase lay open on the bed. Inside, a few changes of clothing were folded neatly. Striding quickly into the bathroom, Susan took her toothbrush from the holder on the wall, and after a moment�s hesitation, took the sunglasses that she had dropped, as well. She tossed the items into the suitcase and closed it vehemently, her expression taut and determined.
You say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorrys
And then you do it again, you do it again
The silence that lined the small-town street was broken momentarily as Susan ran outside, getting into the car that she shared with Brian. The engine roared to life. She threw her suitcase onto the passenger�s seat and, stepping on the accelerator, took off without a backward glance.
As the car took a turn at the end of the street, Will came riding in on the opposite side. He glided into the Krudskis� driveway, an expression of confusion settling over his features as he saw that the entire house was dark. Abandoning his bike on the lawn, he walked onto the porch. �Mom?� he called, and there was no answer.
He pushed open the door, which wasn�t locked, and switched the lights on. The upturned remains of the living room met his eyes.
�Mom?� he asked again, his voice dropping to a whisper.
You say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorrys
And then you do it again, you do it again
And again and again and again and again�
Part Two
*Opening credits and theme song*
It was almost completely dark out when Will biked back down Main Street, his legs pumping furiously against the pedals. Amidst the sharp screeching of brakes he jerked the bicycle onto the pavement beside the beauty parlour, and stumbled against the door. �Mom?� he called anxiously, rattling the handle, but the door was locked. He peered through the windows: there were no lights left on inside.
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�When we were kids, most of us idolised our fathers. There was something unshakeable about a paternal figure, something solid and comforting, like a pillar of truth and wisdom. Of course, that feeling doesn�t last.�
�Will?� Maria�s voice came from behind him, and he whirled around to see her standing on the sidewalk, still in her waitress uniform, looking at him quizzically. �What�s wrong?�
�It�s my mom,� he said frantically, �I think something happened at home� I can�t find her anywhere.�
�Maybe she went out,� she suggested, walking closer and furrowing her brows at the desperate look on his face.
�You don�t understand,� he shook his head, �She was expecting me for dinner. When I got there, the house was a mess � I think my dad might have done something. I�� he shook his head and ran a hand through his thick hair, �I don�t know. I�m really worried.�
�Can I do anything?� she asked. �I just got off my shift. I�ll help you look if you want.�
�Thanks,� he said gratefully, running back to his bike, �get on. We�ll check out her friends� places.�
***
Joe Paterson�s basement
The naked bulb hanging in the windowless room flickered slightly as Ryder Forrest heard footsteps thunder on the stairs outside. A moment later, the door to the basement flew open, and he looked up in time to see his sister burst in.
Violet eyes blazing, Faye Archer slammed the door behind her, so hard that the walls seemed to rattle in protest. �You wanna tell me what in hell is going on?� she demanded, sticking her hands on her hips.
�I don�t know,� he drawled lazily, getting up from the threadbare couch that doubled as his bed, �for hell is deeper than you think.�
�Don�t play word games with me,� she said irritably. �What did you do to Josh?�
�I didn�t do anything to him,� he replied, his voice suddenly sharp.
�Fine,� she crossed her arms, �you did it with him.�
A stony expression settled over his face, but she ignored it. �And then what? You ran away? Left the dorms? Shacked up in a cozy little basement somewhere he can�t find you? Is this brilliant plan supposed to carry you through the rest of senior year?�
�It�s a temporary measure,� he said, without much conviction.
�Temporary until?� she demanded, narrowing her eyes at the dank surroundings, the whitewashed walls and damp spots on the ceiling.
He shrugged. She stared at him, her gaze travelling over the bruise-dark shadows under his eyes, the pallor of his skin. He avoided her eyes and lit up a cigarette.
�That�s not good enough,� she said finally, turning away from him.
�Nothing is ever good enough for you,� he said testily.
�It�s not about me,� she said, meeting his gaze again. �It�s about you and Josh screwing your lives up and frankly, I�m sick of watching. Somebody�s gotta make a move and it sure as hell doesn�t look like it�s gonna be either of you, so��
�You say it with such conviction,� he said, suddenly looking very tired. �But the truth is, I don�t want to change.�
�You do,� she said quietly, �and we both know it. No one could like the situation we�re in now.�
He took a deep drag from the cigarette. She remained standing, her gaze flickering over his face.
�Faye,� he said after a long silence, looking up at her, his eyes a pale, misty blue. �I can�t.�
She held his gaze for a moment before she shook her head and sighed. �No,� she said, �you won�t.�
Hearing those words again, the exact same words, felt like a knife twisting in his stomach. How could he forget? That night in a crowded bar in Boston, music curling around him like tendrils of smoke, an apparition standing before him, dark hair and dull turquoise eyes, full of desolation and shattered hope. �I can�t,� he had said then, and Josh had made the same reply.
�Ryder?� she asked tentatively.
�Leave me alone,� he said, his tone weary.
�I will not!� she exclaimed, suddenly indignant. �Look, I know it�s complicated, okay? No one�s saying it isn�t. But you can�t just leave it like this! You don�t even understand what you�re doing��
�No,� he said vehemently, getting to his feet so fast that for a moment a wave of dizziness washed over him, �you don�t understand!� Turning on his heels, he wrenched open the door and marched up the stairs, his lips set in a thin line.
She ran after him, �You�re not walking away from this!�
�Watch me,� he said in a low voice, striding down the hallway of Joe�s house, walking out the front door and into the cold night.
She caught up with him on the sidewalk. �What is your problem, Ryder?� she cried, her cheeks turning red from either anger or the sudden chill, he couldn�t tell.
�My problem is you�re trying to butt in when it�s not your business!� he yelled, losing his composure, �It�s between me and Josh and nobody else!�
She stared at him. �It�s not between you and Josh,� she said, quietly. �It has nothing to do with Josh. It�s all about you.�
He looked like he�d been struck. Didn�t Josh also say something like that, earlier? His words still circled in Ryder�s mind, clipped and bitter, heavy with both hate and longing. But before he could respond, his cell phone rang. With a dark look in Faye�s direction he fished the small contraption out of his pocket and flipped it open. �Yeah,� he growled into the mouthpiece.
�I expect better manners from you, Gregory,� a man�s voice echoed over the line, clipped with a hint of disapproval, an icy English accent. �Even over the telephone.�
�Father?� Ryder exclaimed, surprised. Faye glanced at him sharply, a flash of intense dislike streaking through her eyes before she furrowed her brows and looked away again.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy
�My dad�s visiting tomorrow,� Scout Calhoun said to Hamilton Fleming as they walked down the hall. �He says he�s got a present for me.�
�What�s the occasion?� asked Hamilton.
Scout shrugged, �That�s the thing, I have no idea. Dad�s not the kind of guy who just gives away presents for no good reason. And my birthday�s not until March.�
�Are you spending winter break with him?� Hamilton suggested, �Maybe it�s an early Christmas present.�
�Yeah, maybe,� Scout mused as they reached the main hall. �See you later, man,� he said as he walked up the stairs.
�See ya,� Hamilton echoed, nodding in the other boy�s direction before he headed toward the teachers� wing.
He paused outside of his father�s office, catching snippets of conversation through the closed door. There were two voices, one high and one low, both sounding terse and irritated. The low, dignified tones definitely belonged to his father, the Dean of the school; and the clear, high voice was equally familiar to Hamilton, for it belonged to Kate Fleming, his mom. Intrigued, he leaned closer to the door to make out what they were saying.
All he could hear, though, were odd words here and there. �Uprooting�. �Inconvenient�. �More consideration�. His mother�s voice rose steadily in pitch as the conversation progressed, her anxiety discernible even to the eavesdropping Hamilton outside. He wrinkled his forehead and knocked softly.
�I�m busy,� Steven Fleming growled from within.
�Dad,� Hamilton replied, �it�s me. You said you wanted to see me?�
A pause, then the door swung open to reveal his father standing in the doorway. �Come in, son,� he said briskly, not looking at Hamilton.
Hamilton walked into the room, peering at his mother as Steven closed the door behind him. Kate was standing by the window, gazing out with an expression of fury darkening her pretty face, her arms crossed over her chest, her lips pressed into a thin line.
�What�s going on?� Hamilton asked uncertainly, turning back to his father.
***
The Gas Station
Josh Sutherland stood at the window of Bella Banks� house, watching the figures of Will and Maria ride down Main Street. The light from the living room lit him from behind, vaguely outlining his profile. His pale skin was stretched tautly over his cheekbones, and his eyes glittered in the faint light like that of feral feline, sharp with hunger and vigilance. It was not a pretty picture.
Behind him, the members of Amnesia lounged on the Banks� couch, discussing their upcoming gig at Joe Paterson�s annual winter party. They were jamming earlier, and amps and guitars were littered around the living room.
�Hey Josh,� Emily, the bassist, called from her seat beside Bella, �are we gonna put the new song on the set list? You know, the one with the violin? If we�re not gonna play it, it�ll be one less piece of equipment to bring to the party.�
A moment passed before Josh gave a start and turned back, his eyes wide. �What? Oh. Yeah, I don�t know. I haven�t decided.�
Bella glanced at him and raised an eyebrow, �You okay?�
�Yeah,� he said quietly as he walked back, joining the others on the couch. �I just don�t know if I want the song on the set list. It�s kinda personal.�
�Come on,� Alex, the drummer, rolled his eyes with a knowing grin, �what song of yours isn�t personal? We all know your capacity for self-indulgence.�
�Hey,� Josh managed a smile. �You make it sound like a bad thing.�
�I�m just sayin� it�s a good song,� Alex said matter-of-factly. �Be a shame not to play it.�
�I don�t mean we don�t play it ever,� Josh said, his eyes downcast as he played with his shirtsleeve, �just maybe not for this gig. There�s someone there that� I wouldn�t feel comfortable.�
�All right, it�s your call,� Emily shrugged. She turned to Bella with a smile, �What about you?�
The blonde looked at her blankly, �What about me?�
�Your songs, silly,� grinned Emily, �are you going to play them?�
�You mean the ones where I sing?� Bella squeaked, �Are you kidding? I thought we were just jamming!�
�They�re good enough to be performed,� Josh said, glancing at Alex, who nodded in agreement.
�No way,� Bella shook her head vigorously. �Guys, this is the first time I�m playing in front of my friends, okay? Everyone from Edmund is going to be there, it�s hard enough for me to get on the stage as it is. There�s no way you can get me to sing.�
�Fine,� said Emily, turning away with a devious smile.
�Fine,� said Alex, winking at Josh.
Josh merely shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself, shivering a little, causing Bella to look at him with concern. �Are you still cold?� she asked, reaching behind the couch to turn up the radiator another notch.
�Thanks,� he said without looking at her, leaning forward so his black hair flopped into his eyes. �Um, how are things going with the music video?�
�The team have gone back to NYU,� Bella explained, �David�s still here, but he�s leaving in a couple of days. They�ve got to edit all the footage, put in the audio track� I forget what else they�ve got to do, but it�s a long list. He thinks it won�t be ready until New Year�s.�
�Bummer,� Emily sighed. �I was looking forward to seeing it.�
�We could all go on a road trip to New York when it�s ready�� Alex suggested, but before he�d quite finished his sentence, a car swerved into the gas station, pulling up near the window.
�It�s Faye,� Josh said abruptly, standing up, �I better go see what she wants.� Without waiting for an answer he strode quickly to the door, letting a sudden gust of cold air through before he closed it softly behind him.
Bella, Emily and Alex looked at each other. There was a moment of silence, before all three of them started talking at once, their voices hushed and urgent. �Don�t you think he�s getting awfully thin�� �I�m really worried about Josh�� �My god, he�s fucked up��
After the initial confusion they all stopped, staring at each other. Simultaneously they turned their heads and looked out of the window, searching for that familiar, frail frame.
Outside, Josh shivered violently as the cold night air assailed him. Faye had gotten out of her car and, seeing his obvious discomfort, sighed and shrugged off her coat. �Here.�
�I�m all right,� he said through clattering teeth.
�Yes, you�re clearly believable,� she said dryly, draping the coat around his shoulders. He didn�t protest. Leaning back against the car, she crossed her arms. �It�s not natural, you know.�
�What is?� he glanced back at the band, who were all gazing at him intently and gave identical starts when he turned, looking away rapidly and beginning to converse with each other again. He frowned.
�You,� she said, �being so cold like that. There hasn�t been a day in the past two weeks where I haven�t seen you shivering. You look like a walking icicle.�
�Well, at least I�m still walking,� he joked weakly. His gaze darted nervously across her face. �What are you doing here?�
She chewed on her lower lip. �My father�s coming.�
�Oh,� he said, a little perplexed.
�He�s on the east coast for business, and he wants to take me and Ryder to lunch tomorrow. At the Four Seasons.� As an afterthought she added, �In Boston.�
�You hate him,� he remarked, watching her expression. �Are you going to go?�
�I haven�t decided yet,� she brushed the question aside. �But I didn�t come here for that. I came to tell you that he� didn�t come alone.�
His face was hidden in shadow, and she could only catch the expectant glint of his eye as he waited for her next words.
She looked away as she spoke, �Brent and Alyssa are with him.�
For a moment, Josh went very, very still. He even stopped shivering. Then he began again, more violently than before, his whole body seemingly racking with the tremors that ran through him, be it from the cold or something else altogether. �So?� he managed to say, his voice fading into a husky whisper. �What does it matter to me?�
�Well,� her tone was meditative, �I mentioned that you are here. And father said you could come, if you want.�
�I could come�� he repeated vacantly.
�It�s completely up to you,� she said quickly, �I wouldn�t presume to make this decision for you. I don�t know what they�re like now. But they�re siblings, Josh. And you haven�t seen them for six years, so I just thought I would tell you, in case��
�When I left,� he said, as though he didn�t hear her at all, �Alyssa was only eight years old.�
�She�s fourteen now,� Faye said softly. �And Brent is actually an intern at father�s firm, which is why he�s here� father is showing him the ropes. Alyssa�s just tagging along for a holiday, as far as I can tell.�
�Oh,� he said. She opened her mouth as though she wanted to say more, but she too, fell silent. What was there to say, really? It was a choice, laid bare in front of them, and it was as simple as that. Not to go was to retain the status quo, the relative comfort of their private little world. To go was to see Faye and Ryder�s father in all his austerity; to go was to meet Josh�s brother and sister again, after the six years he had spent in exile. Even now, for her, after all these years spent away from him, hating him, there remained a funny little jolt at the bottom of Faye�s stomach when she heard his father�s name being spoken. What did that word, family, mean anyway? She didn�t know the answer. And as she sneaked a glance at Josh�s pensive expression, she knew that he didn�t, either.
***
New Rawley
�That�s her car!� Will shouted as he left his bike on the sidewalk, running up the narrow footpath of a small suburban house, Maria close on his heels. He banged on the door, �Arlene? Are you home? Open up!�
The door opened to reveal a homely woman in her forties, looking none too surprised to see Will Krudski pounding her door down on a Friday evening. �Will,� she said with a smile, �why don�t you come on in?�
�Arlene, is my mom�?� he asked frantically.
�Yes, she�s here,� Arlene, the woman, answered with another serene smile. �Come in.�
�Thank god.� He beckoned for Maria and strode into the house. �Mom?� he called uncertainly.
�She�s in the kitchen,� Arlene said, bringing the door closed behind her. She smiled kindly at Maria, �Are you a friend of Will�s?�
�Yes,� Maria said, smiling shyly back. �He was pretty stressed about his mom so I helped him look.�
�Mom?� Will called again, walking into the kitchen and almost skidding to a stop, drawing in a sharp breath. Susan was sitting by the kitchen counter, holding an ice pack to her temple. Her bruise around the cheekbone had deepened to almost burgundy in colour, spreading to the corner of her eye, standing out in sharp relief to her lily-white skin.
�Hey baby,� she said softly, looking up at the sound of his voice. �Sorry I didn�t call before I left��
�Mom,� he whispered, choking on the words, �not again��
She looked down, still absently pressing the ice pack to her face. �I know.�
�Jesus,� his voice grew stony as he walked over and stooped to examine her injuries. �You can�t let him carry on doing this to you.�
�I know,� she said again, a wry smile surfacing about her lips. �Will, I�m not going back.�
He stared at her. �What?�
She did not speak but merely looked back, raising her other hand to touch his cheek, gently.
�I mean,� he murmured, �it�s just that it�s been years� you know I always wanted for you to get out but you never listened��
�I know,� she sighed, putting down the ice pack. �But it�ll be different now, I promise. I�m not going back.�
He smiled wryly. �Not even if he apologises? Like he always does afterward?�
�It�s going to be all right, baby,� she said quietly, looking at him, her eyes clear and determined. �It�s just going to be you and me from now on.�
He closed his eyes, just for a moment, letting her voice resonate in her mind. He had wanted to hear those words for so long that now, when she did speak them, they no longer seemed real. He swallowed, fighting the rising lump in his throat.
Maria and Arlene stood in the doorway, watching silently. Maria bit her lower lip and Arlene patted her on the shoulder. �So, who wants dinner?� the older woman asked cheerfully, scooting into the kitchen with a bright smile.
***
Rawley Academy, the Dean�s Office
�What�s going on?� Hamilton asked again, looking inquisitively in Steven Fleming�s direction. With a sudden pang he noticed that he was looking down, just a little, at the other man. When did he grow to be taller than his father? And how could he not have noticed until now?
�Your mother and I�� Steven began, but when he cast a glance over Kate, who was still obstinately looking out the window, he fought back a sigh and changed his phrasing. �I mean, I have something to tell you.�
�What?� For a moment Hamilton felt a bitter taste rise up in his throat and wondered if his father had finally found out about Kate�s illicit affair with Finn, all those months ago. But the atmosphere didn�t seem to fit. There was an air of gravity in the way that Steven spoke, but it was unlined with hurt or anger. This was something else.
�Hamilton,� Steven clasped his hands behind his back and looked at his son, a concerned light shining in his eyes. �I may be accepting a new job in the near future. It is still early stages and there are a few candidates competing over this job, but I think I have a good chance.�
Hamilton blinked. �Yeah?�
�It is the position of Student Registrar at the University of Berkeley,� continued Steven, watching him intently.
�Berkeley?� The information took a moment to sink in, and when it did, Hamilton�s eyes widened, �As in California? Are you going to move to the west coast? When will you come home? Will mom and me have to fly down for Christmas?�
�If I get the job, I will relocate.� Steven nodded, still looking troubled, �But Hamilton� I don�t think you understand me. Our family won�t be split apart. Where I go, you and your mother will too.�
For a moment Hamilton stared at Steven in utter horror, unable to wrap his mind around what his father was suggesting. Somehow he heard his own voice, tinny-sounding, coming as though from a long distance away, �But I don�t want to move.�
�I�m sorry, son,� Steven said softly, glancing at his wife, who was looking over her shoulder with a decidedly cool expression. �But you understand, don�t you? It is a wonderful opportunity, and��
�Oh, I understand,� Hamilton murmured, �I understand perfectly. It�s always about you and your work, dad, you think I haven�t figured that out by now? Have you even thought about what I might feel? Do you even care that I like it at Rawley? What about Jake? You never��
�Now, that�s not true,� Steven interjected, his expression clouding over, �I�m merely discussing the prospect with you, because I think you�re nearly an adult now and deserve to be involved in discussions like an adult��
�Right,� Hamilton muttered sarcastically, �discussions. Is this what you say to yourself? Just like the way you discussed with mom? You mean tell us, don�t you? You never even think about what we feel!� He glared at his father, his eyes burning a furious, bright blue, �You know what? I�ll discuss it. I�m not leaving Rawley, so there, end of discussion. My friends are all here. Jake is here. You can�t force me to leave just because you�ve got some snazzy job offer ten thousand miles away!�
�Look, Hamilton,� Steven demanded, �I will not have you talk to me this way.�
�What, because you�re such an outstanding, respected father figure?� Hamilton spat back.
�That�s enough!� Steven shouted, losing his composure, �Hamilton, control yourself! Nothing is definite yet, I am yet to hear back from Berkeley, and I thought talking to you would be a good idea. Clearly,� he shook his head in disgust, �I was wrong.�
�Yes,� Hamilton said in a low voice, �clearly, you were.�
Turning on his heels, he wrenched the door open and strode into the hallway, slamming the door behind him with all his might.
Part Three
The Gas Station
�So,� Charlie Banks helped himself to more mashed potatoes, �do you think film school is going to get you a job, David?�
�Stop it, daddy,� laughed Bella, a little mortified by Charlie�s interrogation, �he doesn�t have to answer that.�
David Stephenson grinned. �I don�t mind,� he said, �I know filmmaking isn�t necessarily a viable career choice. And certainly I�ve had my doubts about it. I still do.�
�So why did you choose it?� Charlie slowly appraised the bespectacled blond boy, his expression unreadable. Spearing a piece of meatloaf on his fork, he chewed meditatively as he waited for David�s answer.
Grace Banks, the fourth and last person sitting at the Banks� dinner table, couldn�t stop a small giggle from escaping. It was just as well that she never brought her boyfriends home to meet dad. Not that David was Bella�s boyfriend, she silently contemplated, glancing at her sister. Not yet, anyway. It was so hard to tell what was going on with those two.
�Because it felt like something I had to do,� David answered, pondering over his answer as he spoke. �I�ve always been fascinated by films. There�s nothing else quite like the medium when you have something to say. I also know that, unless I am very lucky, it�s not going to pay the bills at the end of the day. But I can live with that. If I don�t get a job as a filmmaker, I�ll go back to school and study something else. But I guess film school was something that I had to get out of my system.�
Charlie nodded and went back to his dinner, looking none too convinced. David glanced at Bella and grinned, shrugging. She smiled back. An uncomfortable silence fell over the dinner table, which was mercifully interrupted by the phone ringing. Charlie quickly swallowed a mouthful of meatloaf and got up from his seat. �I�ll get it.�
Bella watched her father stride toward the kitchen phone, waiting until he was out of sight before she leaned close to David and grinned. �I�m so sorry,� she whispered, �he always does this to anyone who comes over. It�s really embarrassing but I can�t stop him. He just has this anti-boys complex.�
�Well,� he shrugged, deadpan. �He doesn�t want to marry you off to some artiste who can�t support his family, I get that.�
Bella made a small choking noise and blushed to the roots of her hair. David nonchalantly patted her on the back.
Grace giggled, �Is marriage on your mind, David?�
�It could be,� he laughed, winking at Bella. She smiled back uncertainly.
�You�re weird,� Grace tilted her head and contemplated the tall boy, leaning her cheek on her palm.
He chuckled, �All the great directors are, to some extent. Just think, in fifty years you�ll be able to tell your grandchildren that once, you had dinner with the kooky yet brilliant David Stephenson.�
�Yeah,� she chuckled, �I�ll believe that when the time comes. More likely I�ll bump into you as my cab driver.�
�What,� he teased, �you don�t believe in my brilliance?�
�We�ll wait and see,� Grace laughed, turning back to her meatloaf.
�What do you think, Bella?� David asked the blonde, who had returned to her normal colour, although she still looked apprehensive.
She smiled, and was about to reply when Charlie walked back into the kitchen, the cordless phone in hand. �Bella,� he said, his tone unnaturally strained.
�What is it, dad?� she asked, glancing up quizzically, frowning at his expression.
�The phone�� he swallowed, �it�s for you.�
�Oh,� she said, reaching out, �thanks��
Her fingers closed over the phone but he held onto it, his other hand covering the mouthpiece in a tight grip. �Bella�� he said again, and the look on his face somehow reminded her of that time, more than a year ago, when she�d come home and witnessed Scout running out of the gas station, running away from her. She had stormed home, demanding an explanation, only to find Charlie staring at her in the exact same way, his eyes full of unspoken, terrible things that should have remained unspoken.
�Daddy?� she murmured.
�It�s�� his voice had gone suddenly scratchy, like coarse sandpaper. �It�s your father.�
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, dorms
Hamilton paused in front of Jake Pratt�s door, his father�s announcement echoing inside his skull like the buzzing aftershock of a bomb blast.
California. Moving. Leaving Rawley. He sighed heavily, wishing that he didn�t storm out of Steven�s office in such a hurry. So he didn�t even know if he got the job yet. When Steven said he had a good chance, how big a chance was that, exactly? Regardless of whether his father succeeded, he, Hamilton, was sure as hell not going to leave. Not with Jake still here. Nodding to himself resolutely, he opened the door. �Hey boy,� he said, plastering a smile over his face.
She was sitting at her desk. Her laptop was on, but she wasn�t hunched over the keyboard like usual. Instead, she was staring into space, doodling absently on a piece of paper. When she heard his voice she looked up and quickly slid the paper behind her computer. But not before he saw what she had scribbled all over it.
�Jacqueline Leigh�.
That was it. Just �Jacqueline Leigh�, �Jacqueline Leigh�, �Jacqueline Leigh�, over and over again.
�Jake�� he said hesitantly, all thoughts of his own trouble suddenly flying out of his head.
�Hey boy,� she said with a nonchalant smile. �What�s up?�
He couldn�t resist. �What were you doing?� he asked, walking forward to kiss the top of her head.
�Oh, nothing,� a small blush spread across her pale cheeks and she glanced up at him, a little guiltily.
�Jake,� he said, �I saw what you wrote. It�s okay, you don�t have to be ashamed of it. You don�t have to hide it from me.�
With a self-conscious look in his direction, she retrieved the piece of paper. Staring at the words scribbled all over the page, she sighed and glanced up at him, chewing on her lower lip. �I�m thinking�� she began, but fell into silence, tugging on her hair.
�What about?� he asked gently, tracing a line along her jaw.
She relaxed into the slight caress, gently tilting her head. �There�s an address on Pagan�s school records,� she said after a pause. �His home address. I was thinking� I might go check it out.�
�Are you serious?� he demanded, swivelling her chair around so that he could look into her eyes. �You want to meet your father?�
�No,� she said quickly, �I don�t want to meet him. But maybe,� she shrugged, �maybe I could see him. I just want to know what he looks like. Where he lives.�
�I don�t know, Jake,� he said dubiously, �do you think you�re up for that? More importantly, do you think your father�s ready for that? And don�t forget Pagan.�
�They won�t know,� she said stubbornly. �I�ll just stand outside and take a quick look. They won�t even know I�m there.�
�I�m not sure if that�s a good idea,� he frowned. �What if they see you? Are you ready for a confrontation?�
�They won�t see me,� she said, obstinate.
�Jake�� he sighed, �you�ve got to think about this. I�m just not sure if you�re ready for it.�
�Yeah,� she said, and a light went out of her hazel eyes, as though she had pulled down a set of shutters. Turning toward him, she smiled brightly and changed the subject. �So what�s up with you?�
He paused, his gaze flickering over the slight frown line that perpetually seemed to grace her forehead these days, the pensive, haunted look on her face. She was under so much stress lately, it pained him to see it, yet he felt like he couldn�t have done a thing to help her with the things that really mattered. The last thing she needed was another burden she could not take care of.
�Hamilton?� she interrupted his musings, looking at him with furrowed brows, �Are you okay?
There was a pause. �Yeah,� he finally said, shrugging. �Everything�s fine.�
***
Will and Malcolm�s room
Josh lit up a cigarette after he�d gotten dressed. He took a seat on the windowsill and looked out at the night sky, exhaling a thin plume of white smoke. The moon cast a faint silver glow around his delicate profile, outlining his dark lashes and hollowed cheeks.
Malcolm remained in bed, watching the other boy. When it became clear that Josh had no intention of breaking the silence between them, he spoke. �What are we doing?�
Josh gave no indication that he�d heard the question. Taking a final puff on the cigarette, he opened the window and tossed the remainder into the night air. A brief pinprick of red light, rapidly descending, then it was gone, swallowed up by the deep darkness.
He turned back to Malcolm, his eyes glittering in the dim light. �My brother and sister are in Boston,� he said, �and I could meet up with them, if I wanted.�
�Well,� Malcolm picked his trousers up from the floor and pulled them on as he spoke, �do you?�
�I don�t know,� Josh said sadly, turning his face back to the window.
�Is that why you came here?� Malcolm pulled on his shirt, careful not to look at the other boy. �Because you didn�t want to think about that? Because this,� he made a sweeping gesture around the room, clearly including himself as a part of it, �this is something easy, something you can just fall into and not worry about?�
Josh turned and looked at him, his eyes veiled by shadows. �You make me forget,� he merely said,
A wry smile floated to the corner of Malcolm�s lips as he finished buckling his belt. �Sex makes you forget, Josh,� he said quietly, looking up, �not me.�
Josh shrugged, turning toward the window once more.
�Sex is your drug,� Malcolm continued, his fist slowly balling at his side. �It lifts your soul from that cold, empty place, for a little while. But it never lasts. You know that.�
�Sex is my drug and lifts my soul,� Josh repeated, with a small, sardonic grin. �A good lyric, Malcolm. I might just use it in a song sometime.�
�Be my guest,� Malcolm said, striding to the door and unlocking it with an audible click. He paused for a moment, his hand on the door handle, as though silently debating with himself. Then he wrenched it open, more vehemently than was necessary. The light from the hallway shot through the room in straight, piercing shafts, spilling onto the floor. Josh turned sharply, his eyes betraying a hint of alarm.
�Go,� Malcolm said in a low voice, not looking at the other boy.
Josh looked at him, his eyes glittering in the liquid net formed from the shifting light, as though they were constituted from fragments of broken glass.
�It�s not the way I wanted things,� Malcolm continued, his voice breaking slightly. �Please go.�
�Nothing is ever the way we want them to be,� Josh said, standing up. His feet made no sound on the floor as he crossed it.
�No,� Malcolm agreed, biting his lower lip. �But sometimes, if something is not the way I want it, I�d rather not have it at all.�
Josh paused in hallway, turning back to the other boy. For a moment the hard light in his eyes subsided, and he suddenly seemed like a very small, frail child, with huge, despairing eyes and no hope for the future.
�I�m sorry, Malcolm,� he said, his voice barely a murmur.
�Yeah,� Malcolm said, �me too.�
And he closed the door, leaving Josh standing alone out in the hallway.
***
New Rawley, Arlene�s house
It was getting late, and the darkness outside pressed against the windows like dense black smoke. Arlene was upstairs, clearing out the spare bedroom for Susan�s temporary stay. Maria had volunteered to do the washing up after dinner, leaving Will and Susan alone in the living room.
Only a small lamp was lit, throwing most of the room into soft shadow. Will shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, glancing at his mother.
Susan hadn�t said much during the meal, still looking a little dazed at what she had done. Over the years she had taken her silence for granted, bearing her husband�s violence and her son�s discontent; and it seemed inconceivable that she had just packed up and left, and it really turned out to be that easy � to simply walk away.
�What are your plans, mom?� Will asked.
She blinked, shaking her head as though emerging from a deep, dreamlike state. �I�� she murmured, �I guess I�ll stay here for a while. I need to think things through.�
�You did the right thing,� he said quickly, looking worried, �you do know that, right?�
She opened her mouth as though she wanted to respond in the affirmative, but a pause, and she simply shook her head, shrugging. �I don�t know,� she said softly, �I don�t know anything anymore.�
�You can�t let him carry on hurting you,� he insisted, �it�s good that you got out. You know I wanted you to.�
�But he�s your father, Will,� she whispered, lifting her weary eyes, �we�re a family. You don�t walk out on your family.�
�Look,� he said vehemently, �he stopped being family to us a long time ago. It�s not your fault you walked out. You gave him all the chances he could take and he still screwed it up. You can�t feel guilty about that.�
She didn�t answer, but glanced up when a sudden pounding started at the front door. �Susan?� Brian Krudski�s muffled voice could be heard outside, �Are you in there? Susan?�
�Oh god,� she said, her breath hitching in her throat as she sank further into the sofa, covering her face with a shaking hand, �Will��
�Don�t worry,� her son was immediately on his feet, marching out of the living room. �I�ll deal with him.�
Maria was already at the door when Will reached it, looking anxious. �Should we let him in?� she asked in a whisper.
�Go keep my mom occupied,� he said in a low voice and, seeing her disappear obligingly into the living room, quickly opened the door and slipped outside, closing it behind him before Brian could do otherwise.
He stood with his back to the door, his hand resting on the doorknob, casting a quick, suspicious glance over his father�s face. Under the bright porch light Brian looked shabby, neglected, and very unkempt, staring back with wide, bloodshot eyes, uncharacteristically free of the perpetual glaze that came with a few too many drinks.
�What do you want?� Will demanded.
�Is she in there?� Brian asked gruffly.
�Why do you care?� Will retorted, narrowing his eyes at Brian. Unexpectedly, a lump rose in his throat as his gaze travelled over the man standing in front of him, a man who looked small and not at all menacing under the bright yellow light, a man he could hardly connect to the drunken monster in the memories of his youth.
�I� I wasn�t thinking.� Brian looked down, mumbling. �I did some bad stuff. But I didn�t mean it. Look, Will, I need to talk to��
�Not tonight,� Will interrupted, �you already did enough damage.�
�Look, I just need to see her!� Brian exclaimed, lifting his head and angrily meeting his son�s eyes.
Will looked at him. Steadily, grimly, until colour faded from Brian�s face and his gaze dropped once more to the ground. �She knows�� Brian muttered, �She knows I didn�t mean it.�
�You didn�t mean it?� Will crossed his arms over his chest, a bitter, ironic smile playing about his lips. �You tell her that every time afterward, don�t you?�
�I�ll stop,� Brian muttered, looking as though he was speaking more to himself than to Will, �I�ll stop drinking. I promise. I�ll never do it again. She knows I mean it this time.�
A hint of pity flickered in Will�s eyes. �Go home,� he said, in quiet resignation. �She doesn�t want to see you tonight.�
�But I need to tell her��
�She knows everything you can say,� Will sighed, �believe me. Just go home. That�s the best thing for everybody.�
Brian didn�t say anything more. He merely turned, slowly, and started down the stairs. At the bottom of the porch steps he stopped and looked over his shoulder, his face hidden in shadow.
His hoarse voice came as though disembodied. �Tell her� tell her I�m sorry.�
Will exhaled, watching his breath condense into mist in the chill night air. �She knows, dad.�
Brian nodded and turned away, walking down the footpath, hunching his shoulders against the bitter cold.
Will stood there for a moment, watching the back of his father, clenching and unclenching his fists, before he went back inside to find his mother.
He found Susan and Maria inside the living room, Susan with a steaming cup of tea in her hands and Maria�s sympathetic arm around her shoulder. He paused in the doorway, unnoticed, surveying the scene before him. �It�ll be okay,� he heard Maria say softly to Susan, her black hair falling forward, catching the muted lamplight. Her expression was at once grave and caring.
He stood there, watching her silently, and a feeling of peace spread through him, like the gentle warmth of a fire on a winter night.
***
The diner
�Your dad called?� demanded Sean McGrail, staring goggle-eyed at Bella. �Your real dad? You know who he is?�
�Yeah,� Bella was biting her nails. She had been, in fact, since the phone call last night, and half the nails on her right hand had already been nibbled down to the quick. She glanced at David, who patted her shoulder consolingly.
It was Saturday morning, the early winter sky overhead a clear, opaline white. Frost glistened on the edges of Friendly�s windowpanes, but the interior of the diner was as warm and inviting as always. The trio sat in the window booth, having breakfast, or in Bella�s case, shredding her napkin into tiny little bits. �Eat something,� David said gently, hiding a smile at the bits of tissue that littered her lap.
Bella looked down at her scrambled eggs and, feeling her stomach doing flip-flops in anticipation of what was to come, pushed her plate away. �I�m not hungry.�
�Great,� Sean promptly pulled the plate in front of him and dug into the eggs with relish.
She watched him wolf down the food, a small, sullen expression lining her pretty face. �He�s coming to visit. Today.�
Sean stopped eating long enough to raise his eyebrows and say thickly, �Are you kidding?�
�Yes, this is the face of someone out to make fun of you,� she said sarcastically. Sighing, she glanced back at David, �I don�t even know what he looks like! What am I supposed to say to him?�
�What�� David began, adjusting his glasses thoughtfully. �Never mind.�
�What?� She started on his napkin.
He stirred his coffee, examining the contents of the cup with a slight frown. �You say you�ve never met him before?�
�I�ve never seen him in my life,� she yanked on the napkin with renewed vigour. �God, you think he wants something, don�t you?�
�Of course he wants something,� Sean mumbled through a mouthful of toast, before David could get a word in. �You don�t think he checked you up just for a chat after seventeen years, do you?�
�He might have,� she cast him a dark look.
�I don�t think we should be too cynical�� David began tentatively, but Sean cut him off. �Come on, Bella,� he said, �that�s pretty unrealistic.�
�Who says he�s not just here to catch up?� she asked defensively.
He gave her a look. �After seventeen years?�
She tossed the remains of her napkin on the table. �Don�t you have anything supportive to say, Sean?�
�Hey,� he held up his hands, �I�m just telling it like it is, Bella. I don�t want you to get your hopes up.�
She scowled at him. �Yeah, whatever.�
�I think�� David placed a hand on her shoulder, �Bella, Sean�s got a point.�
�Not you too,� she sighed. �Can I just get some support here, please?�
�I am supportive,� David said calmly, �you know that. But Bella, maybe you should ask yourself why he chose to make an appearance now, when he has never been involved in your life before.�
�What�s the story with him, anyway?� Sean looked quizzical, �for as long as I remember, Charlie was always your dad.�
�My mom told me about him when I went to visit in the summer,� she said. �He was a kid from Carson and they met at some party. Then she got pregnant and had me and basically he wanted nothing to do with it, so she went and lived with Charlie instead and they had Grace, as you know. Ten years later my mom walked out, and you know the rest. Oh,� she nibbled on her lower lip thoughtfully, �mom also said something about them getting back together last summer, but it didn�t work out. She wasn�t too clear on the details. I didn�t think it was any of my business, anyway.�
�They�re your parents,� Sean looked at her incredulously. �How much more of your business can you get?�
Her expression clouded over. �Sean,� she said quietly, �look into the gas station. See that guy working on that jeep over there? That�s my dad. He brought me up, he looked after me and Grace all these years. I don�t even know what this other guy looks like. He didn�t want anything to do with me when I was born, so excuse me for not wanting anything to do with him now.�
�Okay, okay,� he held up his hands again, �sorry. Geez, you�re touchy today.�
�Well, what did you expect�� she began hotly, but caught herself, sighed, and turned to David instead. �What do you think I should do?�
�Well, you already said yes to meeting with him today, didn�t you?� he said sensibly.
�But I panicked, I wasn�t thinking!� she exclaimed, �It�s not every day that this guy just calls you up and says �hi, I�m your real dad, I�m coming for a visit�. What was I supposed to say? Maybe I should call and cancel.�
�Wait,� Sean looked confused, �so now you don�t want to meet him?�
�I don�t know!� she threw her hands in the air, �I don�t know anything.�
�Bella, calm down,� David said, �it�s going to be all right. Sean and I will go with you if you want. You don�t have to meet him alone.�
�Thanks for the offer,� she said uncertainly, �but� oh, I don�t know. I just don�t know anything.�
�What don�t you know?� Jake asked, having just come into the diner, Hamilton following close behind. The ones in the booth scooted over to make room for them, and she slid in next to Bella.
�Oh, my real dad�s coming to visit.� Bella rolled her eyes, �My life�s such a soap opera. Jake, Hamilton, you know David, right?�
�Yeah,� Hamilton nodded at David with a smile, �we met at the t.A.T.u. concert. Where�s the waiter?� he looked around the restaurant, �I�m starving.�
�You�re always starving,� Jake said with a small grin. �So,� she turned back to Bella, her eyes wide, �tell me more!�
�There�s nothing to tell,� Bella shrugged. �He called last night. He�s dropping by New Rawley at noon and wants to see me. I don�t know what to say to him,� she moaned, massaging her temples, �I�ve never met him in my life! I have a dad already, I really don�t need another one; and I don�t know��
�Well, at least you have a dad,� Jake said quietly. She shot a look at Hamilton, who seemed preoccupied with the menu, not even looking up at her words. Her eyes shadowed over and she turned away, patting Bella absently on the shoulder.
***
Faye and Paige�s room
Faye stood in the mess of her side of the room, clad in black silk pyjamas, wearing her black-rimmed glasses, looking nonplussed. �Do you know where my silk pants are?� she asked Paige, who was still in bed, �the dressy ones?�
�Uh�� Paige rolled over and eyed the giant pile of clothes scattered around her roommate�s feet, �on the floor?�
�Really not enough information,� Faye rolled her eyes, beginning to wade through the articles of clothing and throwing them on the bed by the armful. Somebody knocked on the door but before either of them could respond, it opened and Ryder poked his head in, �Hey.�
�Argh!� shrieked both Faye and Paige, the latter shrinking under the bedcovers. �Ryder!� admonished Faye, �We could have been naked!�
�Like I wanted to see anything,� he smirked and strode in, closing the door carefully behind him after checking that he wasn�t spotted out in the hall. �Are you going to lunch?� he asked, settling into her blow-up armchair.
�You gave us heart attacks just because you wanted to ask that?� she stared at him, aghast. �Get out! We�re not dressed!�
�I won�t look at you,� he said dismissively. �Now, are you going or not?�
She sighed in resignation and glanced at Paige, who was still tucked under the covers, staring at Ryder incredulously. �Sorry,� Faye said to her roommate, �you all right in there?�
Paige made some sort of unintelligible squeak, but Faye seemed satisfied with that answer. Turning back to her brother, she shrugged, �I�ll go. But only for the free food.�
�Yes,� he raised an eyebrow, �I hardly think you wanted to go because of the pleasant conversation.�
�As long as that�s clear,� she said cheerfully. Bending down, she peered underneath her bed and emerged triumphantly with her black trousers in hand. �Victory!� she exclaimed, and narrowed her eyes at the thoughtful expression on his face. �What?�
�Did you�� he looked away, �you know Brett and Alyssa Sutherland are coming.�
�Yeah,� she said curtly, beginning to rifle through her closet, �So?�
�Well,� he looked a little put-out, �I dunno. I thought� �
She rolled her eyes again and shook her head at him, exasperated, �Yes, I told Josh about it.�
There was a small spark in his eyes as he replied, nonchalantly, �That wasn�t what I was going to ask.�
�He doesn�t know if he�s coming, yet,� she continued as though she hadn�t heard him. �Of course, it�s a lot of think about��
�That�s not my concern,� he interrupted, an air of indifference settling over his features.
She merely looked at him, her eyes unfathomable behind her thick glasses.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, dorms
Will paused on the front steps of the dormitory, tugging on his gloves and glancing up at the sky. A light wind had started, its sharp chill striking colour into his cheeks and making his eyes sting. Briskly, he strode behind the building to his bike, unchaining it and wheeling it onto the footpath.
He was just about to take off when a voice behind him drawled, �And where are you going?�
�Anita, what are you doing here?� He couldn�t resist a grin when he turned back to see her leaning lazily against the wall, her eyes bright against the cold blush on her cheeks, her dark hair slightly ruffled by the wind.
�Where were you last night?� she asked, walking up.
�Trouble at home,� he sighed heavily, �my mom�s moved out and she�s staying at a friend�s. I�m going over now to see if I can help.�
�Oh,� she seemed only vaguely interested in the news. �Hey,� she said softly, running a finger down his collar, �you know, I have a better idea about how to spend your time.�
He furrowed his brows at her, �Anita, this isn�t a good time. I�ve got to go see my mom.�
�You�d rather not spend time with me?� she laughed, a little incredulously, her liquid brown eyes scanning over his expression.
�It�s not that,� he said hastily, �you know I love being with you. But my mom� she needs me��
�She�s a big person,� she chuckled softly, leaning in so that her breath stirred his hair, �I�m sure she can look after herself.�
�Try to understand,� he sighed reluctantly, �she�s upset� I�ve got to��
The pinkness in her cheeks subsided as she took a step back and narrowed her eyes. �Okay,� she said curtly, �if that�s how you want it.�
�No,� he said, �I didn�t mean�� An uncomfortable pause, and he suddenly grinned, �Hey, why don�t you come with me? My mom would love to meet you, you know.�
For a moment, a disdainful shadow crossed her face, making her look suddenly not so beautiful. But he blinked, and that expression was gone, and Anita stood in front of him, as sultry as ever. �I don�t think so,� she said quietly, almost with an air of boredom. �Maybe another time, Will.�
�You sure?� he asked, disappointed.
�Yes,� she said, �I�ve got other things to do. See you later.�
�Bye,� he said glumly as he watched her turn and depart without another word.
Part Four
Bella�s room
Bella and Jake sat side by side on Bella�s bed, mindlessly flipping through magazines, although it was clear that neither girl was paying the glossy pages any attention. Every now and then, Bella glanced at her bedside clock with a slight furrow of the brow, chewing on her nails all the while. �How�s Hamilton?� she asked, more out of a need to break the silence than a desire to know.
Jake shrugged. �All right, I guess.�
�That�s good,� Bella answered, and they lapsed back into silence.
It was a minute or two before they spoke again, in unison. �I�m so nervous about my dad,� said Bella, just as Jake burst out, �I want to see my dad.�
They paused, and stared at each other. �What?� demanded Bella, �how come you never talked about your dad before?�
�I just found out who he is,� Jake said sombrely, �I haven�t really told anyone.�
�How� what�� Bella stared at her friend, �well, who is he?�
�A friend of mom�s,� Jake picked at a stray thread on her sweater, �well, back when they were still friends. She sorta stopped contacting him when she found out she was pregnant with me.�
�Why?�
�Because he was already married,� Jake cast her eyes downward. �He still is. And they have a son. My half-brother, and he�s at Rawley, which was how I found out in the first place��
�Who�� Bella barely got the words out before Grace thundered up the stairs, grabbing her coat from the hook on the back of the door. �Hey,� she called to her sister, �tell dad I�ve gone out with a friend, okay?�
Bella didn�t even get to reply before the door slammed behind Grace. They could hear her running back down into the shop. With a slight roll of her eyes, Bella turned back to Jake. �So, who is he?�
But Jake didn�t answer. Instead, she was staring out the window, at the strip of street just outside the station, her eyes very wide. Following her gaze, Bella couldn�t help gasping as she saw Grace emerge onto the footpath, followed by a dark-haired figure so familiar that she thought she must have been seeing double. �Jake�� she said weakly, �that��
�That�s him,� Jake said darkly. �I have no idea what he�s doing with your sister, but that�s him. His name is Pagan. Pagan Leigh.�
�Hold on,� Bella murmured, as a memory flickered on the edges of her mind, �Jake, I know this is going to sound weird, but� did you dance with me at the Halloween Ball?�
The other girl looked at her as if she were crazy, �Why? Should I have?�
�Just yes or no,� Bella prompted.
�No, I was with Hamilton the whole night. I didn�t even see you until you got up on stage.�
�Oh my god,� Bella raised a hand to her forehead, �I talked to him! I danced with him! I thought he was you!�
�What?� Jake demanded, �How? Why?�
�I don�t know!� Bella exclaimed, aghast, �He came up and I thought he was you! He was wearing a mask, you know��
�We�re not identical!� Jake said in disbelief, �you couldn�t recognise me from someone else?�
�Well, I thought you seemed weird,� Bella admitted, �but come on, Jake, what else was I supposed to think? That your evil twin had infiltrated the school? How is he taking the news, anyway?�
�Not good,� Jake sighed heavily, �he doesn�t believe it when I say we�re related. He doesn�t believe his dad had an affair with my mom, and he avoids me all the time.�
�Not surprising,� said Bella with a wry smile. �What are you going to do now?�
�Well,� Jake paused. �I�m thinking of going to see my dad. I have his address.�
�Are you sure that�s a good idea?� Bella asked, frowning, �If your brother didn�t know about this, what are the chances that your dad�s wife knows about you? You don�t want to just show up��
�I won�t,� Jake said stubbornly, �I just want to go stand outside and have a look. That�s all. I�m not gonna talk to him or anything.�
�Well�� Bella looked unconvinced, �Jake, I really don�t think��
�I�m sick of everyone telling me it�s not a good idea!� Jake exclaimed. �Hamilton says I shouldn�t go, and now you as well! I just want to go and see him, I don�t see what the big deal is!�
�Jake,� Bella said, surprised at the vehemence in the other girl�s voice, �I��
�You have two dads,� Jake whirled around, her eyes flashing. �I have none. So excuse me for wanting to find out more about him, to see what he looks like!�
�You�re right,� Bella said, after a pregnant silence. �Maybe you should go. Just be careful.�
�I will.� Jake checked her watch, �It takes less than two hours to get to New York, I think I�ll go today.�
�Today?� Bella echoed faintly, �Isn�t that too soon?�
Jake turned to look at the blonde girl, her eyes glittering with determination. �I�ve waited a long time to see my dad,� she simply said.
�Well,� Bella said slowly, �good luck.�
Jake stared at her for a moment. �You too,� she said, giving her friend a quick hug before striding to the door.
***
Rawley Academy, the Dean�s house
�I won�t hear of it,� Steven Fleming said tightly. �If I go, we all go.�
�God, you are always like this!� Hamilton said angrily. �You never ever listen to mom and me!�
�Munchie, just�� Kate Fleming nervously ran a hand through her hair, �just calm down. Everyone calm down, let�s talk about this��
�Just what do you think I�ve been trying to do for the past half hour?� Steven exclaimed, just as Hamilton shouted, �Stop calling me Munchie!� The conjunction of the two furious voices effectively shut Kate up, though her stormy expression made it obvious that she didn�t appreciate it.
They were in the living room, which had just been decorated in anticipation of Christmas, though the holiday was not until the end of the month. A bushy green tree stood in a corner of the spacious room, sparkling with coloured baubles and silver tinsel. The festive decorations, however, provided nothing but a strong contrast to the tense atmosphere in the room. Steven was pacing up and down, his hands behind his back, an expression of great agitation across his normally handsome features. Kate sat on one end of the couch, with her legs tucked up under her, a glass of wine in her hand, which she had been steadily refilling as the dispute between her husband and son escalated. Hamilton was sitting on the couch as well, though he had scooted as far to the other end as he could manage, looking as though he�d rather share a seat with anyone other than his mother.
�Hamilton,� Steven said, exhaling deeply, in a vain attempt to calm down. �If I said it once, I said it a hundred times. If I leave, you will all come with me.�
�Right, and I suppose you don�t care about me having to leave Jake,� Hamilton spat out, his eyes burning with hatred, �you don�t care about me losing all my friends, you don�t give a flying fuck about��
�Watch your tongue, Hamilton!� Steven interrupted furiously, �Not everything is about you! Of course I thought about all that! And I wish it could be otherwise, but��
�But why can�t you?� Hamilton yelled, �Why do we have to go with you? I�m happy here, can�t you see?�
�I will not have my family broken up,� Steven said, his voice growing quiet with fierce determination. �You think I haven�t seen this happen to other people? One partner goes abroad to work, leaving his family behind; and before he knows it, everything has crumbled around his feet. I will not risk my family like this.�
�Oh, so now it�s a trust issue,� Hamilton said in mock revelation, �you don�t trust mom, is that it? You want to keep us all on a leash��
�Hamilton,� Kate interrupted, a flash in her eyes that was simultaneously angry and terrified. Hamilton wondered if she were afraid that had he gone on, he would have let slip about her clandestine affair. Certainly he felt as though he could have done it; staring at his headstrong, stubborn father, bitter, hot words wavering on the tip of his tongue. There was nothing he wanted more, now, than to tear that self-righteous frown off Steven�s face.
�No!� Steven said vehemently, �It�s not about trust, it�s about the inevitable consequences of separation, and I won�t have that happen to us.�
�But you�re perfectly happy to ruin our lives,� Hamilton said in a low voice. �Good one, dad.�
�It�s a decision that requires the sorting of your priorities,� Steven said, turning away.
The corner of Hamilton�s lips curled up in a resentful smile. �But they�re not my priorities, dad. And they�re not mom�s either. In the end, no matter what you say to justify this, the truth is that they�re only your priorities, and we have to follow them whether we like it or not.�
Steven looked taken aback. Hamilton shook his head, wearily, and he stood up, walking toward the door. �Dad,� he said with an air of finality, �I�m not leaving Rawley. You can�t make me.�
�Hamilton�� Kate pleaded, weakly, but his son merely shook his head and walked out, closing the door resolutely behind him.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, common room
The winter sunlight spilled into the room, coating the smooth wooden floors with an almost silvery glow. There were a bunch of guys gathered around the TV, watching a wrestling match as per usual. Scout sat on the edge of the group, half-heartedly cheering along. Every now and then, his gaze strayed to the door and the empty stretch of hallway outside.
Finally, Finn poked his head inside the room and called, �Mr Calhoun, somebody to see you.�
Scout jumped up, a smile breaking over his face. He quickly straightened his shirt and strode into the hall, grinning as he saw the dark-haired man standing behind Finn, cutting a figure both imposing and fitting against the polished oak interior of Rawley Academy. �Hi dad.�
�Thanks, Finn,� his father said, waiting until the teacher turned away before he grinned back at Scout. �Hey, sport,� he said jovially, placing a hand on Scout�s shoulder, �ready for a surprise?�
�Sure,� Scout hoped that the big smile on his face didn�t betray his misgivings. �But dad,� he asked as they started down the hall, �it�s not my birthday or anything.�
�I know,� John replied, �but I just figured it�s time.�
�Time for what?� Scout asked curiously as they turned into the main hall.
John laughed with an air of relished mystery. �You�ll see. Come with me.�
He led the way out of the building. Scout, perplexed, followed his father, trotting to keep up with the man�s long strides. John was wearing a dark wool overcoat that billowed slightly in the wind, and Scout could not help a surge of familial pride rising in him as he watched his father, his childhood role model, the paradigm of political prowess and intellectual knowledge, somebody he had always wanted to be�
�Here,� John stopped abruptly. Scout stopped too, his shoes crunching on gravel. They were at the school parking lot. He furrowed his brows and looked at his father, who was smiling proudly. �Dad,� he said, �what��
�It�s the one with the bow,� John said.
Scout followed his father�s gaze, feeling his jaw slacken as he saw a brand new silver four wheel drive sitting in one corner of the parking lot, a jaunty red bow sitting atop the hood. �A car, dad?�
�I said I thought it was about time,� John winked at him, chuckling as his son ran forward without another word, his sneakers sending up sprays of gravel as he rushed toward the car, an incredulous, dumbfounded grin on his face.
***
Jake had not planned to see Hamilton. She was wheeling her bike out from its hiding place among the trees, doing up her helmet, when she spotted him storming out of his parents� house. Her first instinct was to duck, because she really didn�t feel like explaining to him where she was going, not after their short-lived discussion last night. But he caught sight of her and strode over, angry red blotches colouring his cheeks. She watched his determined stride and wondered how it could be that he had already found out. Well, she set her jaw: she was going to go anyway, no matter what he said. He had a father. Everybody had a father except for her. They do not understand the blinding need to see her own dad, just to see him, nothing else.
�Hey,� he said in a low voice as he approached, �going for a ride?�
�So what if I am?� As soon as the words were out of her mouth she regretted them. There was a slightly surprised look on his face, and she could not help but think that if he didn�t know anything was wrong before, he certainly would now.
Indeed, he furrowed his brows suspiciously. �Where are you going?�
�Just out for a ride,� she said quickly, her mind reeling. Leaning forward, she brushed a rogue lick of dark hair away from his forehead, �What�s with you? You look like you want to kill someone.�
�Jake�� he looked at her, his blue eyes very wide, as though something important was trembling on the tip of his tongue. She looked back, worried.
He opened his mouth, and then closed it. The colour in his cheeks slowly subsided. �Nothing,� he finally said, shaking his head.
�What is it, Hamilton?� she demanded, tugging on the helmet strap beneath her chin, her eyes searching quickly over his.
�Oh, it�s just mom and dad being�� he shrugged, feigning a smile, �you know, mom and dad.�
She studied him sceptically. �Are you sure?�
�Of course,� he chuckled. �Go, have a good ride. I�ll see you soon.�
�Okay,� she said dubiously. But the lure of seeing her father was too strong, overriding any further will to follow up on Hamilton�s apparent displeasure. That would come later, she decided, tonight she would spend with him and get him to talk about what exactly bothered him so much about his parents. But now she had her own father to find, and she was afraid that, if she were to stay much longer, he would suddenly catch on to her destination. God knew it wasn�t hard to figure out, not after their conversation last night. A quick getaway, then. �Bye,� she said hurriedly, turning on the ignition.
He watched her as she coasted down the smooth embankment, heading towards the school gates. She waved over her shoulder and he waved back, feeling his docile face slip away as she faded out of sight.
***
New Rawley, Arlene�s house
Despite their growing friendship and the companionship she provided last night, Will did not expect Maria to turn up on Arlene�s porch steps this morning, clutching a shoebox with a bright grin. �What are you doing here?� he asked as he let her in.
�Boy, you�re cheerful today,� she said as he closed the door behind them. Lowering her voice, she asked, �You do realise your dad�s outside, right?�
�Yeah,� he sighed. �He�s been sitting on the porch swing all morning. Mom wouldn�t see him, and I�ve told him that, but he just won�t leave.�
�Has he done anything?� she somehow felt compelled to keep her voice at a whisper, even though there was no way Brian Krudski could hear them from outside the house. �Should we be worried?�
�Nah,� he shrugged, leading the way to the living room, �he�s just sitting there. I don�t care � he can do what he likes. Mom and I are finished with him.�
�Will,� she said gently, glancing at his adamant expression. �Perhaps you should��
�What�s in the box?� he interrupted, poking the shoebox with an air of great interest.
She didn�t miss his very deliberate change of subject, but she didn�t press it. �Muffins,� she grinned, �M&M muffins. It�s like chocolate chip, except with prettier colours. See, the candy shell�s all melted and there�re gooey bits of chocolate inside. I baked them for your mom this morning, in the Home Ec classroom. I thought she could use some cheering up.�
He looked at her, surprised into silence. She shrugged, a little embarrassed, and added, �I just thought, I always make M&M muffins for myself when I break up with someone and� I know your mom isn�t exactly breaking up with a high school boyfriend but I thought it would help� and I couldn�t find a bag or a basket so I had to go with the shoebox, but it�s clean, and I lined it with cooking paper��
�Maria, Maria,� he interrupted, a grin spreading across his freckled face. �That�s so awesome of you.�
She glanced up quickly, her eyes lighting up with pleasure. �I just thought it would be a nice thing to do.�
�It is.� Impulsively, he grabbed her about the shoulders and hugged her, hard. �I�ll get my mom,� he said, running down the hallway and bounding up the stairs. She watched him go, a smile adorning her lips.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, dorms
Faye and Ryder stood outside Ryder and Josh�s dorm room, engaged in a furious, hushed discussion. �You�re not wearing that to lunch with father,� hissed Faye, aghast, �he�ll rip you to pieces.�
Ryder looked down at his jeans, hiking boots and suede coat and looked up, his voice defensive, �I don�t see why not.�
�Don�t be ridiculous,� she scoffed, shoving him in the direction of the door, �you need to change, and you know it. At least put on a decent shirt.�
�No,� he glanced at the door, his voice dropping to a whisper as though he was afraid of disturbing its sole inhabitant. �I can�t.�
�What do you mean you can�t?� she stared at him.
�I don�t want to go in,� he said, his voice almost taking on a sulky tone.
�You mean you don�t want to face Josh,� she sighed in exasperation. �What about your clothes back at Joe�s?�
�I didn�t take anything formal,� he admitted. �Nothing father would approve of, anyway.�
�Then that settles it,� she shrugged, �you just have to go in.�
�Why don�t you do it for me, eh?� he pleaded � the closest Ryder Forrest came to pleading, anyway. �I can�t go inside.�
�I�m not doing your dirty work for you, Ryder,� she said matter-of-factly. �Now, be a man, go into that room, and make yourself pretty.�
�But I don�t�� he whined, just as the door opened behind them. Ryder�s sentence ended abruptly and he jumped back as though stung.
Josh stood in the doorway, meeting Ryder�s eyes for a moment before he looked away. �I thought I heard voices,� he said wearily, stepping aside. �Get dressed. You�re going to see Edward Forrest, I doubt your outfit would suffice.�
�See,� Faye said smugly as she sauntered into the room, �told you.�
�Whatever,� Ryder muttered, following her inside, careful not to touch the other boy as he passed.
�You�re dressed,� remarked Faye, looking at Josh�s pressed black trousers, black silk shirt and silver cuff links; �does that mean you�re going with us?�
�Yeah,� Josh said curtly, leaning against the doorframe.
She tilted her head, examining his pallid skin, the waxy translucence of his eyelids. �Are you okay?�
A ghost of his usual half-smile. �Fine, just dandy.�
�All right,� Ryder emerged from his closet with an armful of clothes, �I got them. Now can we go?�
�Why don�t you just get changed here?� she suggested with a small glint in her eye. �This is your room, after all.�
Josh made a small, contemptuous sound that did not go unnoticed. Faye glanced at him, then back and Ryder, and she sighed, placing a hand on Josh�s shoulder. �Come on,� she said, �let�s go wait outside.�
***
The Gas Station
The clear winter sky above was a faded ice-blue, touched here and there by gauzy sheets of white clouds. Bella looked out the window and at the sun, blinking as she tracked its ascent across the sky. It was nearly noon. And more importantly, it was nearly time for her meeting with her father. She looked down at her hands, which were twisted tightly in her lap, the nails jagged and uneven, and she smoothed down her white shirt for the umpteenth time.
�It�s going to be all right,� David said from beside her, his voice touched with concern.
�I hope so,� she turned and offered him a wobbly smile. �I just don�t know what I�ll say to him.�
�You will know when you see him,� he said with so much conviction that she, too, felt satisfied by the remark. �You sure you don�t want me to stay here?�
�No,� she looked at him, feeling her heart do a funny little skip as she stared into those judicious hazel eyes. �I should do this on my own.�
�Okay,� he agreed, reaching out to brush a stray tendril of hair from her forehead. �But just remember I�m here if you need me.�
�Thanks,� she murmured, half-closing her eyes and savouring the soft touch of his fingers over her skin. He looked down at her, letting his hand gently cup her cheek, the colour of his eyes softening to moss green.
She smiled up at him, �David, I��
�Hey guys!� Sean�s cheerful voice interrupted the moment as he walked through the front door, and the couple sprang apart.
�Hey,� Bella said, smiling guiltily, �so you�re here to offer moral support too, huh?�
�Of course,� Sean grinned, leaning against the doorframe, his eyes scanning over Bella�s awkward expression and David�s hand still lingering on her arm. David�s face, as always, was adorned with a pleasant smile that gave away neither disappointment nor annoyance, although he must have felt those emotions just as Bella did. Despite himself Sean could not make himself dislike the other boy. �Hey man,� he said begrudgingly. �When are you heading back to New York?�
�Tomorrow,� David smiled. �I was going to go earlier, but I wanted to stay and help Bella, as you do.�
�Thanks, guys,� Bella said suddenly, her voice hitching in her throat as she looked out the window, �I think��
�What is it?� David asked immediately, turning toward the window. An old blue car was pulling in beside the diner, and an unfamiliar man was emerging from it. He looked about forty, with short light-brown hair and a stocky build.
�That�s him,� Bella said softly.
�You sure?� Sean squinted at the other man, who was heading toward the gas station, �How can you tell?�
�I just know,� Bella said, her voice quavering a little. �Guys, could you� would you mind going upstairs? You can wait in my room.�
�Sure,� David stood up and beckoned for Sean to follow. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs, he turned around and looked at Bella once more, earnestly. �If the going gets too tough, just come get us, okay?�
�Okay,� she could barely hear her own voice over the rapid heartbeat drumming in her ears. David and Sean made their way upstairs and she almost called out to them, almost wanted them to stay; but she remained silent. This was something she had to handle alone.
Even though she was prepared for it, the knock on the door still made her jump. Taking a deep breath, she stood up, walked across the living room, and opened the door.
�Hello,� she said calmly, much more so than she had anticipated. �Why don�t you come in?�
***
Upstairs, Sean heard the front door open and he tiptoed toward the stairwell, hoping to catch another glimpse of Bella�s father. But before he could get far enough, David�s hand latched onto his sleeve. �Hey,� the taller boy whispered, �let�s just go wait in Bella�s room, okay? She wouldn�t want us listening.�
With a small sigh, Sean turned back. �You�re right,� he said as they walked toward the bedroom that Bella and Grace shared. As they passed Charlie�s room, the door creaked open. Both boys jumped.
Charlie looked out from the crack in the door, his eyes heavily shadowed and expression taut. �He�s here?� he asked quietly, glancing at the stairwell.
�Yeah,� Sean answered, �downstairs.�
Charlie merely nodded and withdrew into his room, closing the door again.
David and Sean looked at each other. �Charlie�s got the raw end of the deal,� Sean said quietly as they went into Bella�s room. �Poor guy.�
David merely nodded, looking deep in thought.
�So,� Sean flopped down on Bella�s bed, crumpling the flowered bedspread, �what�s the guy�s name, anyway? I forgot to ask.�
�Dwight Smith,� David answered, sitting down on Bella�s desk chair.
Sean stifled a snort of laughter, �Dwight?�
David smiled a little, leaning back in the chair. �I hope she�s doing all right down there,� he mused, adjusting his glasses pensively.
Sean studied the other boy for a moment. �You really like her, don�t you?� he asked quietly, ill at ease.
David glanced at him. �Don�t you?�
Sean nodded mutely. David smiled at him and spread his hands, somehow managing to convey in that gesture an appreciation of all the things that Sean loved about Bella, the things that he, David, loved as well. Sean grinned in understanding and looked away. They lapsed into an easy silence.
Part Five
The Gas Station
�Look at you,� Dwight Smith said quietly, almost with an air of wonder, as Bella led him over to the couch and they sat down. �All grown up.�
�Well,� she said, �it�s been seventeen years.�
Even though she didn�t mean to come across as bitter, she couldn�t help the hint of resentment that crept into her voice. He heard it. �I�m sorry,� he said, looking down, �I don�t have an excuse for that.�
�It�s okay,� she said awkwardly. She glanced at this man who was intimately connected with her flesh and blood, yet a stranger nevertheless. Her eyes searched over him, trying to find facets of her own features in his face, trying to get her mind around the fact that, without this man, she would not be in the world.
�How�ve you been?� he looked at her, smiling uneasily.
She smiled back. Where to start in these seventeen years? How could she tell him about all the things that she had seen, all the things she had experienced, everything that occurred under the loving, watchful eye of Charlie? �Well,� she said hesitantly, �I�m a junior now. I go to Edmund High��
***
Boston, The Four Seasons Hotel
�The Forrest party?� The Maitre D� consulted the bookings. �Of course. Please follow me.�
Josh followed Faye and Ryder as they walked through the hotel restaurant, his bony hands clenched into fists so tight that his nails were biting into his palm. Faye glanced back at him and smiled sympathetically. He tried to smile back but it felt as though his facial muscles were frozen in place. The Maitre D� turned into a VIP room and gestured with one hand placed elegantly behind his back, and Josh nearly stumbled when the occupants of the table came into view.
This then, was the beauty that his baby sister had grown into. This, then, was his younger brother, looking professional and clean-cut in a dark suit that made him look far older than his mere sixteen years. How could six years elicit such dramatic changes in people? If it weren�t for their dark hair and turquoise eyes so akin to his own, they could have been just about anyone on the street, any two people in the billions whom he did not know. He suddenly felt like crying as he looked at Alyssa, then at Brent, and back to Alyssa again, seeing their welcoming expressions change into similar ones of disbelief as their eyes met his. There was a moment of stunned silence.
�What is everybody standing around for?� a voice commanded, austere in its distinctive Englishness. �Sit down, all of you.�
In the shock of seeing his siblings again, Josh had not even noticed Edward Forrest, who was seated at the head of the table. The man had not changed much since Josh had last seen him, looking as distinguished as always. He was in his early sixties, clean-shaven and severely handsome, dressed in an impeccable charcoal-grey suit, his carefully groomed salt-and-pepper hair accenting slate-coloured eyes that looked about as penetrable as a wall of lead. With those shrewd, emotionless eyes he scanned the trio coolly. �Hello, Joshua,� he said, �hello, Read. Gregory.�
�Hello, father,� Ryder said, slipping into a seat. Faye raised an eyebrow flippantly and sat down with a casual �hi�. Josh mumbled some unintelligible reply and sat down also, in between Faye and Ryder. Between these two people was the safest haven that he knew, even if one of them had not directly spoken to him in several weeks.
No sooner than they had all been seated before Alyssa Sutherland said, rather sharply, �What�s he doing here?�
Josh blanched. Ryder and Faye glanced angrily at the younger girl, whose eyes were blazing with animosity and condescending astonishment that the Forrests could have displayed such bad manners in inviting a pariah to their table. �You all know he�s no longer part of our family,� she said in clipped tones, accentuating her poncy Buckingham Palace diction.
�He�s our friend,� Faye replied coldly, narrowing her eyes at the other girl. Alyssa had neatly-bobbed dark hair and the same delicate, pale features as Josh; so much so, in fact, that they could have nearly passed as twins. Perhaps, Faye thought, that was what angered Alyssa the most; that even after Josh had been thrown out, even after all these years, there remained an undeniable proof of his relation to her, the unbreakable ties forged by blood.
Alyssa�s eyes widened. Her quick glance at Josh could not have been more disgusted had a great big drooling three-headed dog been sitting in his place. �This is ridiculous,� she spat out, �just wait until mother and father hear about��
�Alyssa,� Brent Sutherland interrupted, his voice carrying a hint of warning. His sister glanced at him, her eyes narrowed, but she shut up nevertheless. Josh, who was studiously looking at the tablecloth, glanced up. Brent gave him a curt glance, quickly appraising his expression. Josh hastily looked down again, blinking.
�All right, children,� Edward interrupted, looking a trifle amused. �No need to fight. We�re having an amicable luncheon so let us not ruin our appetites, hmm?�
No one responded. Faye was still glaring at Alyssa. Alyssa was glaring at Josh. Josh was sneaking another glance at Brent. Brent looked vaguely embarrassed by his sister�s outburst. And Ryder was studying Alyssa with a bored expression. It was only when one looked closer that they could see that a keen, analytic light flickered in the depths of his grey eyes, equal parts caution and derisiveness.
�Gregory,� Edward said, �sit up. No need to slouch.�
Ryder obliged. �Yes, father,� he said, his voice low and obedient.
�And Read,� Edward frowned at Faye, �what on earth have you done to your hair?�
�Why, you don�t like it?� Faye asked innocently.
�No,� Edward replied, crisply. �You look like a tart.�
�Mm,� Faye was unfazed, picking up the menu and looking at it with studied nonchalance, �that was about the reaction I expected from you.�
For a moment, Edward looked almost taken aback. �Well,� he said, finally, signalling the waiter, �perhaps we should order.�
�Sounds good,� Brent agreed readily with a small smile, �I�m starving. The swordfish looks great.�
Alyssa made a small snorting noise. �Nothing seems to be remotely edible on this,� she said, pushing the menu away as though it were contagious. Glancing at the waiter who stood beside Edward, she sighed delicately and said, �I�ll just have a green salad. Hold the tomatoes. And no avocadoes, please. Dressing on the side. Incidentally, what sort of dressing do you have?�
�For a green salad,� the waiter replied, �a light basil vinaigrette.�
Alyssa sighed, as though the indecency of a light basil vinaigrette had managed to rid the few remaining shreds of good in an already despicable day. �That will do,� she said wearily, �I guess that will have to do.�
�If you really despise the food,� Faye couldn�t help from piping up, �why don�t you just not eat?�
Alyssa fixed the blonde with a bored stare. �It wouldn�t be very courteous if I didn�t order anything.�
�Not being very courteous now,� Faye muttered under her breath, but Alyssa didn�t hear her.
Josh did, however, and he smiled ruefully. �I�ll have a salad, too, thanks,� he said quietly to the waiter.
�You sure you don�t want something to go with that?� prompted Faye, though she knew she was fighting a losing battle. Josh merely looked down and shook his head. She bit her lip and turned back to the menu. It wasn�t the time to go into this, but she had to speak to him soon; he was wasting away right in front of their eyes, a wraith about to disappear into the surrounding darkness.
�The duck comfit,� Ryder said in the meantime to the waiter, �thanks.�
Edward looked at him in disapproval. �The duck is the fattiest thing there is, Gregory. Surely you can make a better choice.�
Ryder didn�t object. �The salmon, then.�
�Grilled or seared, sir?�
�Grilled.�
A little �tsk, tsk� sound came from Edward�s throat. Ryder turned his head, and saw that his father was shaking his head, an expression of dissatisfaction on his face. �Actually,� Ryder said hurriedly, �I changed my mind. I�ll have it seared.�
�I hear the salmon isn�t very good in this place,� Edward said softly, his tone of voice somehow making the statement into one of indubitable fact instead of mere opinion. �Are you sure you want to eat that?�
�Fine,� Ryder said, his expression blank, closing his menu with a snap. �Then I�ll have whatever my father�s having.�
Edward gave him a Look. �There�s no need to be nasty about it. I was merely making a suggestion.�
�I am not being nasty,� Ryder said with uncharacteristic meekness, looking away.
Edward�s face relaxed into a faint smile. �Good.�
Josh glanced at Ryder, whose expression was stony, then at Faye, who winked at him, followed by a little roll of the eyes. He tried to smile back, but he caught sight of Alyssa�s cold, unwavering gaze, and suddenly he didn�t quite feel like smiling.
***
Scout pulled the car out at one of the highway off ramps, and pulled to a stop beside an embankment.
�What�s the verdict on the test drive?� John asked, already knowing the answer by the excited glitter in his son�s eyes.
�This is great,� Scout breathed, �dad, this is awesome.�
�I�m glad you like it,� John undid his seatbelt and turned to look at his son, smiling indulgently.
�But I can�t take it,� Scout continued, quickly glancing at his father.
John was not expecting that. �What?�
�I mean it,� Scout said earnestly, �I can�t accept this present. It�s too big.�
�Oh,� John laughed, �when did we start caring about the sizes of presents, sport? If you like it, it�s yours. You�re sixteen now, you�ll need a car to get around.�
�Of course I like it,� Scout said, �but dad, I can�t take it. I promised myself that I�d work for the things I wanted, and you turn up giving me a car out of the blue. I�m not comfortable with that.�
John stared at him. �Are you being serious, Scout?�
�I am,� his son nodded, looking away briefly before he looked back again, his eyes very blue in the early afternoon light. �I�ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. Mostly about how I can�t rely on being a Calhoun or the family money to get me ahead. I�ve got to work for the things I want, and that�s only going to happen if I don�t accept these awesome, big gifts for doing nothing at all. You know I love the car. I just can�t take it, that�s all.�
�Because it would be against your principles?� John asked with a faint smile.
Scout shrugged, grinning a little. �Yeah, I guess.�
�Well,� John paused, looking at his son with a peculiar, fond expression. �I�m proud of you, son. I�m proud that you have the presence of mind to say what you said and mean it. God knows I wouldn�t have done the same when I was sixteen.� A pause, and he laughed, �Hell, I�m not sure if I would do it even now. But that�s your choice.�
�Yeah,� Scout said a little wistfully, removing the key from the ignition. �Thanks for the drive though, dad.�
�Hold on,� John held up his hands, �I wasn�t finished.�
�Dad,� Scout said, alarmed, �you know I can�t take the car.�
�I know,� John said, �you want to work for it.� Seeing Scout nod, he grinned and added, �But what if you worked for me?�
�For you?� Scout repeated, blinking.
�Yeah,� John nodded vigorously, �my office is looking for a summer intern. A three-month stint being the office boy, running errands, pouring coffee, things like that. You can take on the job in summer vacation and I�ll pay you with the car. Does that seem like a fair deal?�
�Dad,� Scout said slowly, �thanks. I really mean it. But I still can�t. It feels like cheating when I go work for my own father.�
�Not if you have to apply like everybody else,� John said with a glint in his eye. �Send in your resum� and we�ll talk.�
Scout�s eyes brightened. �That might work,� he said happily. �Yeah, thanks.�
�Don�t thank me too fast,� John laughed. �Remember, you�ll have some stiff competition for the job.�
�I can do it,� Scout said confidently, looking at the key in his hand, �I know I can.�
***
The Gas Station
�So,� Bella said as she returned from the kitchen with two mugs of steaming coffee, �you were talking about how you and mom met up again.�
�Thanks,� Dwight took a mug from her hands and took a sip. �Mmm,� he grinned, �this is some good coffee.�
�It�s just instant,� she smiled, a little embarrassed.
�Well, it�s good anyway.� He put the mug down and grinned. �Anyway, your mom and me� you know the history. But you know she set up a flower shop in Carson, right?�
Bella nodded.
�I ran into her a couple of years ago.� he said, �Total accident. But to cut a long story short, we were keen to get a relationship going again, get some of that old flame rekindled, you know?�
She smiled, a little uncomfortable. Despite not being brought up by either parent, there was still some instinctive ickiness about parents �rekindling flames� of any sort.
�Yeah, well, anyway,� he withdrew a packet of cigarettes from his top pocket. �You don�t mind, do you?�
�Um.� No one else smoked in her family. Not, to her knowledge, even Grace. �I guess not.�
�Cool.� He lit up and took a drag before speaking, �We tried to get it workin� again. And that was when I heard stuff about you. Apparently you went to Carson to see your mom one day in the summer��
�Yeah,� she said, turning away from the smoke he was exhaling. �I had to see her about, uh, gas station stuff.�
�Well,� he mused, �I saw you that day, you know that? Just for a minute though. Your mom talked about you afterward. I finally knew where you lived and all that shit� �scuse me,� he grinned, revealing a row of uneven teeth, �all that stuff. Anyway, your mom and me had a fight not long after that and I split. I hear she�s got a new boyfriend now.�
�Yeah,� Bella fought the urge to cough when he exhaled another lungful of smoke. �Bob. I lived with them for a while this summer. He�s a nice guy.�
�I bet he is,� Dwight said offhandedly. He took a swig of coffee. �So, tell me more about yourself, sweetheart.�
***
Upstairs, Sean was pacing up and down the floor of Bella�s bedroom, checking his watch for the umpteenth time. �It�s been forever,� he said, �let�s sneak around and see what�s happening.�
David considered, and finally sighed. �All right. But just a peek.�
They opened the door cautiously, careful not to make any sound. Sean tiptoed toward the stairwell, but before he�d quite gotten there, Charlie�s door opened again. �What are you doing?� the older man demanded quietly as he poked his head out, frowning at Sean, �let her have some space, all right?�
Sean flushed. �Sorry, Charlie,� he said meekly, returning to Bella�s room. Charlie nodded and retreated back into his room. But before he closed the door, David suddenly stepped forward. �Mr Banks,� he said, keeping his voice low so as not to disturb those downstairs, �could I speak to you for a moment?�
Charlie regarded him with an air of deep suspicion. �All right.�
David adjusted his glasses. �I just�� he cleared his throat, �I just want to say that you don�t have to worry.�
Charlie looked at him, the expression in his dark eyes unfathomable.
�What I mean is,� David said earnestly, �you know you�re always going to be her father, right? No matter what happens down there. You brought her up. Nothing can take that away. You know it, and she knows it. Heck,� he smiled a little, �even I know it, and I�ve only met you a couple of times.�
Charlie�s expression didn�t change, though a light behind his eyes shifted, like the sun passing through a patch of cloud. �You sure about that, kid?� he asked gruffly.
David looked back evenly. �Beyond doubt,� he said, �trust me, Mr. Banks. She won�t forget her roots. Her real roots. Bella�s not like that.�
Charlie stared at him for a moment longer, before his face softened, forming a ghost of a smile. �Yeah,� he said, �I wasn�t worried. I know my girl.� A pause, and he reached out to pat David rather heavily on the shoulder. �Thanks for the talk though, son.�
�Any time, Mr Banks,� David grinned, turning away.
�Call me Charlie,� the other man said, smiling.
�All right,� David laughed softly, �Charlie.�
�I�ll see you around,� Charlie nodded before he went back into his room, closing the door once more.
***
New York City
It looked like quite a nice apartment building, from the outside. A set of glass doors at the front, flanked by a uniformed doorman. Jake stood on the sidewalk, half-concealed behind a hot dog vendor, and looked on wistfully.
It was silly, really, to think that she could waltz straight in. Didn�t her own apartment have doormen as well? Did she just expect to turn up and magically run into her father, yet without him seeing her and asking a million questions that she wasn�t prepared to answer? She tugged on her hair and looked down, distracted, at her outfit. She had opted for girl wear, mostly because she had always been Jacqueline in New York and it would be disastrous if anyone she knew from the city would see her in her full boy getup. She was wearing a red bell-sleeved blouse she�d quickly pulled out of her closet, dark denim jeans, and a thick black coat. For the sake of seeing Simon � even if it was just seeing and not the reciprocated kind, either � she had even bothered to put on a little makeup.
But there was the doorman.
And he was certainly not going to let some strange girl in, not even if she could pass as a twin for Pagan Leigh, whom they surely recognised. She sighed; why couldn�t she have just stayed in boy gear? At least then she would have had a chance to walk up and try to pass off herself as her half-brother. It would have probably worked, too. But it was too late now� unless she changed back into boy gear in some public restroom and then come back� But what then? Go up to the apartment that the Leighs inhabited, and then what? Lurk around the hallway until Simon either came in or went out? She shivered a little and stuck her hands in her pockets: it was colder than she had anticipated, and although her coat warded off the freezing wind, goosebumps were rising all along her exposed neck. This was a stupid idea. Fine, maybe Hamilton and Bella were both right. It was a dumb move, coming here. What did she hope to achieve, anyway? What did she think would happen even if she did manage to see him? What if he saw her in return? It would be better for everyone if she just turned around now and went to get her bike and�
�Pagan?� A woman�s surprised voice suddenly spoke up behind her. �Darling?�
Jake froze.
�What are you doing?� The woman said, her voice soft and musical. �We weren�t expecting you back until later this afternoon� Pagan?�
Very, very slowly, Jake turned around.
Standing in front of her was an attractive woman in her late thirties. Even in this cold weather, she was only wearing layers upon layers of chiffon skirts and scarves, and her long black hair streamed down her back in loose waves. She had exotic, gypsy-like dark eyes, and her lips were adorned with a confused smile. �Pagan�� she said again, but as she looked at Jake the smile froze on her face, and she took a step backward, as though she couldn�t quite believe what she was seeing.
Jake stared at her, speechless.
�Who the hell are you?� the woman whispered.
Part Six
Rawley Academy
Scout leaned back against his car and exhaled softly as he surveyed the school standing before him. It was all imposing grey stone and lush greenery, and it brought a deep sense of appreciation, which surged through him, carrying with it the understanding that although he was born into this world, he nevertheless had to fight for his rightful place in it. To be worthy of it, and to know he was worthy of it. Nobody belongs anywhere, he once said to Will; and now he knew it wasn�t entirely true � people did belong to places, although they were certainly not confined to them. What mattered was knowing that you could always change your situation, if you tried hard enough.
�Beautiful, isn�t it?� John came to stand beside him, his voice quietly reverent. �Hasn�t changed a bit since I went here.�
�Dad,� Scout�s voice was hesitant, �I want to ask you something. And I don�t want you to be offended.�
John glanced at him. �Shoot.�
�Did you�� Scout paused, �did you buy me the car because you felt guilty? About the divorce, I mean.�
The look in John�s eyes was contemplative, a little veiled. �Honestly?� he said slowly, �I don�t even know anymore.�
Scout was silent.
�Let me put it this way,� John said, with difficulty. �I�m sorry for putting you through this whole divorce process. And I�m sorry we didn�t let you know sooner, though I have to say the option came as quite a shock for your mom and me, at any rate. But at the same time, I�m not sorry because for the first time in years, I feel happy. I�m not sorry about the divorce because it was right for me and,� his eyes clouded over, �I think, for your mom too, even though she might not see it right now. So,� he shook his head, �I don�t know what this car is meant to stand for. It seems like both an apology and a celebration, and that�s the best answer I could come up with.�
Scout nodded, his blue eyes pensive. �I understand.�
They stood for a moment in silence, leaning against the shining silver car, contemplating the imposing building before them, the ice-blue winter sky strewn with clouds like ripped lace.
�Dad?� Scout said quietly.
�Yeah.�
�I�m glad I came to Rawley.�
John smiled. �Me too, son.�
***
New York, the Leighs� apartment
�Come in,� the woman said to Jake as she opened the door to the apartment. �Have a seat.�
Still too numb to fully appreciate what she was doing, Jake obliged. She felt like she was walking among a haze of swirling colours and shapes, and utterly failed to notice what the apartment looked like. When she recalled this day, much later, all that she could remember was that the polished wooden floor had been so smooth that she nearly slipped on it, and that the couch she gingerly sat on was draped over by a very pretty embroidered rug. That was all. She couldn�t, for the life of her, remember the layout of the lounge, the artwork on the walls, the colour of the walls themselves� anything at all. Her heart was beating like a tribal drum gone wild.
The woman sat down opposite Jake and stared at her, her face very white. �I�m Crystal Leigh,� she said finally, her voice crackling with restrained emotion, �Simon�s wife.�
�I�� Jake cleared her throat, looking down, �I figured.�
�He�� Crystal said, twisting her hands together, �he never told me��
�He doesn�t know,� Jake said quickly, her eyes meeting the other woman�s for a second before they both looked away again.
Crystal didn�t seem comforted by that remark. She sat shock-still, her spine very straight, her dark eyes huge and uncomprehending in the pale winter sunshine that filtered through the crystals dangling in front of the windows, casting small rainbow glimmers on the floor. �I�� she began, her lower lip trembling, and she pressed a hand to her temple, unable to go on.
�Honey?� A male voice issued from within the apartment, �are you home?�
Jake fought back a gasp as a man walked into the room, carrying himself with strong, graceful strides that seemed oddly familiar. He was tall and broad-shouldered, with closely-cropped brown hair and a grave, dark gaze. �Honey?� he asked again, before he locked eyes with Jake and stopped dead in his tracks.
For a moment no one spoke, and the silence pressed down on them as though it were a leaden weight. Jake stared at the man, unable to tear away her gaze. So this was what he looked like; she had wondered for so long. He looked a little severer than she�d imagined, but the basic details were the same. She could now see where she had gotten her straight nose from, the pensive arch of the brow, the dark-haired handsomeness. She could see traces of both herself and Pagan shot through this man�s features, and involuntarily she shivered with the familiarity of it all.
�What�s going on?� the man demanded after a pregnant pause, �Who on earth are you?�
�Why don�t you tell me?� Crystal turned to him, her eyes shimmering with tears. �Simon, what have you done?�
�What?� Simon Leigh looked at his wife, flustered, and looked back at Jake, �what do you mean? I don�t understand.�
�She says she�s your daughter, for fuck�s sake!� Crystal exclaimed, jumping to her feet, hysterical tears beginning to spill onto her cheeks. �How do you explain that, Simon? And don�t you dare deny it! She looks exactly like our fucking son! What have you DONE?�
�I�� he took a step backwards, still staring dazedly at Jake, �I�ve never seen her before in my life. Crystal, you�ve got to believe me, I have no idea who this girl��
�My mom�s Monica Pratt,� interrupted Jake, softly, watching the scene unfold in front of her as though in a dream. She looked up into Simon�s astonished eyes and repeated, �I�m Monica Pratt�s daughter.�
Simon stopped mid-sentence, all the blood draining from his face. �Monica?� he whispered, �but she never told me��
�She didn�t tell me about you, either,� Jake said quietly.
�I�� he murmured, stepping toward her, one hand outstretched, �it was only that one time��
�Oh my god,� Crystal pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, as though she were going to be sick. �Simon, you really� it�s true?�
He whirled around, his eyes wide, �Crystal, I��
�How old are you?� Crystal turned to Jake, her dark eyes wild and horrified. �How old are you? �
�Seventeen,� Jake said dully.
There was a moment of tense, tearful silence as both Simon and Jake watched Crystal do a rapid calculation in her head. And they both watched, too, as her face crumpled when she realised what this meant. �You hid this from me?� she cried, backing away from her husband, �you never said� how many other women do you have? What else aren�t you telling me?�
�Honey, I swear, it was just the one time�� Simon pleaded, walking toward his wife, but she backed away from him. �Don�t touch me,� she whispered hoarsely, tears still streaming down her face, �don�t touch me.�
�Crystal, I can explain,� his voice was feeble.
With a muffled cry she turned and fled from the room, and a moment later a door slammed, sending a shudder through the entire apartment.
Simon made no move to go after his wife. Instead, he stood in the centre of the lounge, his tall figure very rigid. Jake watched him, still feeling strangely removed from all that had happened, everything blowing up in too short a time for her to digest. He suddenly turned his gaze back upon her and she cowered back, at the same time hating herself for showing this sign of weakness.
�What is your name?� he asked softly.
Her lower lip trembled. �Jacqueline.�
He nodded. �How did you know about me?�
She lowered her head. �Your son just started at my school. I saw him and��
�Pagan,� he said vacantly. Then, something behind his eyes seemed to take shape, like light condensing into something more solid. �Pagan,� he repeated, and a note of panic crept into his voice. �He knows about you? About� this?�
She nodded slowly. �He doesn�t� doesn�t believe it�s true. Doesn�t want to, anyway.�
He nodded again, mutely.
�I didn�t mean�� her breath hitched in her throat as she fought back a sob, �I didn�t mean for her to see me, honest. I didn�t mean for us to meet like this� I didn�t mean for us to meet at all. I just wanted to see you� I�ve never had a dad�� As she spoke she could feel an acidic burning behind her eyes, hot liquid pressing against her eyelids. �I didn�t mean for this to happen,� she choked out, �please believe me.�
He took a step forward, as though he wanted to touch her. She tensed, not knowing whether to feel joy or fear at the prospect.
But he didn�t, in the end. Sticking his hands in his pockets, he sighed heavily. �It�s not your fault,� he said, �it�s mine. Mine and your mother�s. It has nothing to do with you, or Pagan, or Crystal� god, I�ve screwed up, haven�t I?�
Jake didn�t know if he wanted her to reply. Dragging the back of her hand across her eyes, she looked up at him, a blurry shape made hazy through her tears.
For a long time, neither person spoke. The silence was broken only erratically by Jake�s sniffling, trying to hold back further tears. Silently, Simon offered her a Kleenex. She took it. Their fingers did not touch.
�Well,� he finally said, rubbing a hand over his brows, �I don�t� I mean, I can�t�� he stopped, and sighed, �I�ve got to talk to my wife. You�ll excuse me, Jacqueline.�
Without waiting for her reply he strode away, leaving her alone in the unfamiliar room.
She blew her nose. Timidly, she looked around. And out of the blue the utter ludicrousness of what she was doing hit her with full force, like the shock of sudden immersion in freezing water. What on earth had she done? Broken up a happy family? Strode in and laid bare the truth that would tear open people�s lives? She inhaled frantically yet it seemed as though she couldn�t get any air to her lungs, the weight of the situation finally catching up with her like a dark shadow descending. She stood up, stumbled to the door and then through it, leaving it wide open behind her, like a gaping mouth set perpetually in a sneer, ridiculing her rash decisions and the trail of destruction in her wake.
***
Boston, The Four Seasons
�How is your schoolwork coming along?� Edward Forrest fixed his steely grey gaze upon Ryder, setting down his fork to take a sip of wine.
Ryder shrugged, �Fine, I guess.�
�Fine, you guess?� Edward�s voice was laden with scorn. �That is no way to treat academics, boy. I hear you are taking first-year English for the third year in a row. What are you, an imbecile?�
�No.� Ryder looked down at his plate, his voice low.
�So how do you explain this horrid English class debacle?� Edward set down his wineglass heavily, furrowing his brows at his son, the lines around his thin mouth seeming more pronounced than ever.
�I don�t know, father,� Ryder said, still looking at his plate, �I guess I don�t try hard enough.�
�Father,� Faye spoke up, her violet eyes narrowed, �I think��
�No one asked your opinion,� Edward snapped. �Did your mother neglect your manners, young lady? Do not speak out of turn at my table.�
Two bright spots of colour flared up on Faye�s cheeks, and she looked as though she was about to argue, but Josh laid a hand on her wrist, shaking his head. �It�s not worth it,� he mouthed, and she sighed, inaudibly. But at least she fell silent.
Without quite realising it, Josh sneaked another peek at his siblings. Alyssa was picking at her salad with a frown about her lips, paying absolutely no notice to Edward chiding Ryder merely feet away; Brent, on the other hand, looked distinctly uncomfortable as he kept glancing up as though he wanted to interrupt, but he never got around to actually speaking, especially not after Edward�s reproach directed at Faye. He caught Josh�s gaze once, and actually held it, his eyes pensive, which panicked Josh so much he immediately broke the eye contact.
�And I�ll have you know that plain laziness is not tolerable,� Edward said sharply. �Gregory, do you realise that you will be graduating at the end of this school year?�
�Of course I do,� Ryder said, his gaze snapping up for a moment, angrily. But even then, he did not meet Edward�s eyes.
�I do not appreciate that tone of voice, boy,� Edward replied, his tone icy. �Moreover, you are bound to start work in my company in August. Is this all I can expect from you? Sloppy work, insolence, plain laziness?�
�I am not insolent, father,� Ryder said quietly, through gritted teeth. �I try to please you.�
�Well, you bloody well better try harder,� Edward said flatly, draining his glass of wine. �Because you sure as hell aren�t impressing me now. And another thing,� he looked at his son again, furrowing his lined forehead. �What on earth happened to your hair? You look like you haven�t seen the inside of a barber�s shop since you came to this despicable country.�
�I�ll get it cut soon,� Ryder said, staring fixedly down at his plate, tightening his grip on his knife and fork.
�Good,� Edward turned back to his meal. �I don�t think I could tolerate a scruffy ruffian in my office. You look like a bloody beggar in the street. I say, Gregory, if I did not offer you a job in the company, I really don�t know where you could possibly go. You have no marketable skills, no sense of obedience and responsibility��
Faye threw her napkin on the table in disgust. �That�s it,� she began to say, but Ryder beat her to it. With a sharp clatter he tossed down his cutlery, and stood up so fast that he topped the chair he was sitting on. �That�s enough,� he announced, his grey eyes flashing. �Father, you will not speak to me this way.�
For a moment, blood drained from Edward Forrest�s face. Then, an ominous shadow swept across his expression, and he looked up at Ryder. His eyes were dark, like the world gone black just before the lashings of a furious storm. His voice was very quiet.
�What did you say to me, Gregory?�
�My name,� Ryder said, his breaths coming fast and shallow, �is Ryder. I�ve had it. You are never satisfied with me and you know, I just realised I�ll never change that opinion. I tried for years but I�m sick of it. I give it up. I don�t care about your stupid company. I�ve never cared, so don�t you hold it over my head like it�s the only place that�ll ever have me. I have more important things to think about than a plaque above some office with my name on it. And if that means I have to starve or beg, so be it.�
�You will do no such thing!� Edward roared, slamming his fist down on the table, causing everyone to jump back in surprise. �Are you honestly telling me that you will sever yourself from the family business? Do you have any idea what that means?�
�Mr Forrest,� Josh interrupted softly, �please, calm down. I�m sure we can sort this out��
�You stay out of it,� Edward swung his icy venomous gaze toward Josh, �you sick, weak pansy! It probably all started with you that he became that way! What happened to my children? You poisoned their minds, you made them insolent and defective. Now, I tried to be hospitable to you, I even let you onto my table, and this is what I get? A mutiny among my own ranks?�
Josh shrank back, his eyes wide with fear and shock. �I�� he murmured, the words catching in his throat.
�You leave Josh out of this!� Ryder exclaimed, leaning forward as though he wanted to grab his father by the collar. �This is not his fault, you hear me? None of this is his fault! I�m the one speaking, for the first time in my life, against you. You can�t grind me down year after year without expecting repercussions!�
�I was trying to make a man out of you!� Edward shouted, �You lazy, disrespectful, good for nothing twit!�
�No, you weren�t,� Ryder said darkly. �You didn�t want a son. You wanted a slave, someone who�ll do your bidding with no questions. You never cared about us, you never made an effort when you sent us to America and left us to rot here. And now you�re angry because we didn�t turn out the way you wanted us to be? It�s your fault, not ours!�
�Firstly,� Faye said sharply when her brother paused for breath, �we are not defective. We live here, we have our friends, and we�re happy. So don�t you dare come into our world and say it�s not good enough. And secondly, I�ve not been your daughter for a long time! I gave you up the same day I gave up your name, four years ago, or do you not remember that? Do you ever think about the fact that your twelve-year-old daughter would change her name just because she hated the thought of being associated with you? Do you?�
�Oh dear,� Alyssa said quietly, her eyes darting to and fro across the table, a hint of amusement in her voice. �What a dreadful scene.�
�Shut up, you weird little bitch!� Faye yelled, swirling around. �What are you? Like, fifty? A little early for the society wife act, don�t you think? You know what? I look at you and shudder when I think that�s how Josh might have turned out if he�d stayed with his family. You�re fake, you are stupid, and for all your airs and pretences you�re still a fourteen-year-old girl pretending to be the Queen of England! I�m glad you don�t want Josh as your brother, for god knows I don�t want him to have a sister like you!�
Alyssa�s jaw dropped. But before she could recover, Faye pulled Josh from his seat. �Let�s go,� she said, her eyes blazing, �let�s just go. I can�t bear any of this crap.�
He didn�t protest, following her to the door, pausing for just a fraction of a second to look back upon his siblings before she stormed out, pulling him with her. Ryder, too, shot a bleak look at his father and followed.
But before he had quite reached the door, Edward spoke behind him, his voice mutinously soft.
�You know what it means for you, Gregory, if you walk through that door?�
Ryder paused, not looking at his father. �I told you,� he said, �I don�t want anything to do with the company. I�ll make my own way in the world.�
�Sod the company,� Edward�s voice was cold and smooth, like the skin of a serpent. �We do not accept traitors. I wouldn�t have you back on a silver platter.�
Ryder nodded. �Then we�re clear.�
�Not quite,� Edward said, a disdainful sneer about his lips. �You really want to make your own way in the world? Be my guest. But don�t expect me to catch you when you fall.�
�I wouldn�t dream of it,� Ryder said, coolly.
�Then I take it as understood,� Edward said slowly, �that you will not be expecting any further funds forwarded to your bank account for your upkeep. Furthermore, upon arrival back in England I will immediately terminate your trust fund.�
Ryder was silent.
�Surely,� there was a frosty smile playing about Edward�s lips. �You did not think there wouldn�t be repercussions after such a blatant display of childishness? After you have defied me so publicly? I think I have made myself understood.� A pause, and he added, �You may rejoin me at my table, if you wish, still, to hold on to your material comforts.�
Ryder didn�t move, his gaze trained firmly on the ground, his hands clenching at his sides.
�If you leave,� Edward continued, �I will sever you. For good.�
For another moment Ryder seemed to consider. His messy blond hair fell around his face, framed his set jaw, the thoughtful curve of his mouth. Then he turned toward Edward.
He was smirking.
�Goodbye, father,� he said, his eyes a sudden, startling blue. Then he walked through the door.
***
The Gas Station
�My little girl,� Dwight said, his voice slightly husky as he looked at Bella.
She smiled back, and for a moment allowed herself to wonder whether the huskiness in his voice came from emotion or from the four cigarettes he had chain-smoked over the past half hour. But that moment passed and she shook her head slightly, disgusted with herself that she could think of such a thing.
�What�s wrong?� he asked, his drowsy eyes suddenly alert.
�Nothing,� she grinned, �I guess it�s all too much. Meeting you, talking to you. It feels so unreal.�
�Yeah,� he snubbed out the cigarette in his coffee mug, and she was incredibly glad when she saw that he made no move to light up another one. �It�s great, talkin� to you too. Hearing about your life. Bella��
�Yeah?� she looked up at him, and a smile slowly crept across her face. Despite the smoking and the occasional rude language, he was a really decent guy. He seemed a bit like Charlie, really. A little more talkative, but that was hardly saying much. Two-year-olds talked more than Charlie. No, despite the small annoying habits, he was her father, he came to see her, he was finally displaying an interest in her life, and that all counted for something. A lot of things.
�Tell me about your friends,� he said gently.
�Okay,� she looked down at her hands and smiled. �Well, I already told you about Sean. He goes to Edmund High, like me. And my friend David goes to college in New York, but he�s here right now��
�Yeah,� he looked at her quickly, and she thought she caught a rapacious glint in his eyes. �What about your other friends, eh?�
�My other friends?� she repeated. �Well, there�s Will��
�That�s the one with the scholarship, right?� he tapped his chin. �Good for him. Who else?�
�Um,� she stumbled over her words, thrown by his inquiry. �There�s um, Scout. And uh, Jake and Hamilton. Faye and Josh� they all go to Rawley, so I don�t see them much during school time��
�Yeah, yeah,� he was nodding quickly now. �Yeah, you know, I heard somethin� from your mom about this Scout kid.�
She frowned. �What do you mean?�
�Well,� he suddenly grinned, �you know, that you two had a thing.�
�Oh,� she said, blushing, �yeah. That was a long time ago, though.�
Dwight�s gaze seemed to be probing her thoughts. �He must have liked you.�
�He did,� she said softly, �and I liked him. That was more than a year ago, though. And things have changed��
�Does he have a girlfriend?� he asked abruptly, but seeing her strange look, grinned and shrugged, �I�m just sayin�, I don�t think any guy would give up my beautiful daughter, right? Why don�t you two get back together?�
�It�s complicated,� she said slowly, growing more and more confused by where this conversation was heading, �I�m not sure if the feelings are there anymore� dad, why are you asking me this?�
For a moment he looked at her, his eyes scanning over her face, and she suddenly felt the urge to shiver. Was it normal, for a father to be looking at his daughter so briskly, so analytically, even if he hadn�t really been part of her life? Then he lowered his head and the feeling passed, and she wondered if everything had been her imagination.
�All right, Bella,� he said, �you got me.�
She frowned. �What do you mean?�
�See,� he still wasn�t looking at her. �The thing is, I�m on my way to Florida, right? I�ve got a construction job lined up and it looks good. I�m just passin� through New Rawley.�
�Right,� she said slowly, furrowing her brows.
�But the thing is,� he continued, examining his hands as though they were the most intriguing things he�d seen in his entire life. �The job doesn�t start until the end of spring.�
She shook her head in bewilderment. �So��
�So,� he glanced at her quickly, �I kinda need some cash to tide me over.�
She just stared at him.
�I�m not talkin� about you givin� it to me or anythin�,� he said quickly, �I�ll to pay it back. But I just� I sorta need a loan. Maybe about five thou, somethin� like that? You think you can help me out, sweetheart? Maybe that friend of yours, Scout, he could come up with the money? He�s a Rawley kid, I know he�s got enough to spare. Or any of your other friends, what about that Jake or Hamlin dude��
�Hamilton,� she corrected automatically, still staring. �His name is Hamilton.�
�Hamilton, whatever,� he waved his hand impatiently. �The thing is, I will pay you back. It�s kinda hard for a guy like me, travellin� all over the country on these odd jobs, to save up any money and I�m just comin� up a little short. I�ve just got to wait the spring out, you know what I�m sayin�?�
�So this is why you called me up,� she said slowly, her voice hollow.
�Well,� he glanced sideways, a little shiftily. �You know I wanted to see you, Bella, my beautiful little girl��
�Stop,� she interrupted, her expression one of disgust, �just stop it. You didn�t come because you wanted to see me at all. You just wanted to see if I could hook you up with my Rawley friends.�
�Bella, sweetheart��
�Don�t call me that!� she exploded, jumping up from the couch and pressing a shaking hand to her forehead, unable to look at him. �You don�t even know me! Where were you when I was born, huh? Where were you when Charlie brought me up? Where were you when mom left? God, I don�t even get a birthday card for seventeen years and suddenly you turn up and want money from me?�
�It�s not like that,� he said, his gaze sliding to one side, then another, then up at her again.
�It�s exactly like that!� she cried. �I can�t believe you! I can�t believe my actual dad would do this to me! God, get out of my house. Get out of Charlie�s house!�
�Bella�� he made no move to get up, �look, it�s not that big a deal, just five thousand��
�Get out!� she shouted at him, pointing at the door, �just get out! I don�t want to hear it! You�re not my dad, you have never been my dad and I can�t believe I was stupid enough to think you came to catch up! I can�t believe I let you sit here and talk to me for hours!�
�All right, keep your panties on,� Dwight grumbled as he stood up, shooting a dark glance in her direction. He walked to the door and stopped, turning back to her, his lips set in a sneer. �You�re exactly like Donna, you know, you ungrateful little bitch.�
�GET OUT!� she yelled, striding across the room to slam the door behind him. But beyond the glass she could see him standing out in the gas station, making a rude gesture before he strode across the road and disappeared into his car. She stood at the door, white-faced, gasping from the constriction in her chest, the sudden and overwhelming urge to smash something.
�Bella?� a tentative voice asked from behind her. She swirled around to see Sean and David at the bottom of the stairs, staring at her in mute astonishment. A little further up the stairs stood Charlie, his face as stoic as ever, his dark eyes shining with worry.
�Bella,� David said again, softly, �are you okay?�
�No,� she shook her head, feeling the anger drain out of her and her legs almost give way. �David, Sean, do you guys mind? I need to� I need��
�We�ll go,� David said immediately, catching the tears brimming in her eyes, �Sean?�
�Wait, why�� Sean looked confused, but David grabbed him by the arm. �Just come with me,� the taller boy hissed, tugging Sean along and out of the shop. �See you later,� he called, exchanging a brief glance with Charlie as he closed the door behind them.
Bella turned to Charlie, her eyes bright behind a teary sheen. �Dad,� she said, �I��
�You don�t have to say anything,� Charlie said slowly, holding out his arms. �Come here.�
Gratefully, Bella ran forward and almost fell into his embrace, letting the tears flow, along with great big choked sobs. �I really thought�� she hiccupped against his shoulder, �I thought he wanted to see me��
�I know, baby,� Charlie whispered against her hair, gently stroking her back. �I know.�
***
Rawley Academy
�Hamilton, Hamilton!� Steven Fleming called as he trotted down the hallway, trying to catch up with his son, who, having seen him turn the corner, started walking away as quickly as possible. �Wait!�
�What?� Hamilton demanded irritably as he came to a sudden stop, turning around. �Are you going to physically bind and gag me and put me on a plane to California? Because other than that, I really don�t see how��
He trailed off. Steven wasn�t looking adamant, as he did earlier; or even authoritative. If anything, he looked utterly drained, his face sallow and lined under the yellow light of the hallway. �What�s going on?� Hamilton asked.
Steven looked at him. �I didn�t get it.�
�You didn�t get�� Hamilton repeated blankly, before understanding suddenly came over him and he narrowed his eyes. �You didn�t get the job at Berkeley?�
Steven shook his head.
�Do you mean,� Hamilton said slowly, �that you turned it down? Or did they choose someone else over you?�
Steven swallowed and glanced down, just for a moment. �They didn�t want me,� he said quietly. �But at least that�s what you wanted, right? You don�t have to leave after all.�
Hamilton looked at him evenly. �Dad,� he said, �I just want to ask you one thing. Would you have made me move if you did get the job?�
�Of course I would have,� Steven said, his voice glum. �Haven�t you been listening to anything I�ve been saying? But that doesn�t matter now, does it? You got what you wanted.�
�You just don�t understand, dad,� Hamilton set his jaw and shook his head, �you never do. It�s not about what happens in the end�� he paused, and thought a little more carefully. �Well, it is about what happens in the end. But it�s also about you, and the way you treat me and mom like we don�t matter. If you ended up getting the job, maybe you would have bound and gagged me and put me on that plane, and you wouldn�t have cared��
�I do care!� Steven exclaimed, �That�s exactly why��
�You mean you care about yourself,� Hamilton said coldly. �You care about what happens to your family. Your wife. Your job. That�s not caring about me and mom, but you can never see that, can you? You act as though you always do what�s best for our entire family, you hide behind that for all your decisions, when the truth is you never really cared about what we thought or what we wanted.�
Steven opened his mouth to protest, but Hamilton shook his head. �Look, dad,� he said quietly, �I�m not really interested in what you have to say right now. Now that I know I�m not going, I�ve got to go tell Jake. I�ve been hiding this whole California thing from him, I didn�t want to tell him before it was settled either way, because I didn�t want him to worry about something that he had no control over. He has a lot on his plate and I hated to think that I could make him worry and be miserable and not be able to do anything about it. But you wouldn�t understand. I don�t think you�ll ever understand what it�s like to hold off doing something because it would hurt the people you love.�
He turned away, leaving his father standing silent and still, and walked on.
***
Boston, The Four Seasons
Josh, Faye and Ryder had just come into the underground parking lot when they heard footsteps pounding behind them, as though someone had run up in a great hurry. A moment later, Brent Sutherland burst out of the door, his face red with exertion. �Josh�� he panted, �could I talk to you� for a minute?�
Josh glanced at Ryder, then at Faye. �I guess,� he said uncertainly.
�Are you sure?� Faye asked, casting a suspicious glance at Brent, who was still breathing heavily, bent forward with his hands resting on his knees.
�Go on,� Josh urged softly, �I�ll catch you up later.�
Both the Forrest siblings looked at him, then at Brent, and back at Josh again, the look in their eyes so similar that it would have seemed comic, had their obvious distrust of the younger Sutherland not been written plainly on their faces. Josh saw that, of course, and he smiled thinly.
�I�ll be all right,� Josh said, waving them on. He watched Ryder and Faye give Brent one last measured look, each, before they turned and walked toward Ryder�s Porsche, parked out of hearing range. Faye gave another look over her shoulder.
When he was sure they could no longer hear him, Josh took a deep breath and turned to his brother, steeling himself against any possible insult. �Brent?� he asked softly, looking blankly at a spot just above the other boy�s left shoulder.
�I just want to say,� Brent mumbled, still a little out of breath from the running. �I�m sorry about Alyssa. We weren�t expecting you� she was young� she was too young when you left. Mum and dad have brainwashed her. She doesn�t understand.�
Josh swallowed, with difficulty, and he nodded.
�But,� Brent continued, glancing at Josh, his blue-green eyes earnest. �It�s good to see you again. For me, I mean. It�s good to know you�re doing okay.�
Josh bit down on his lip, hard. �Really?� he whispered, �Even after��
�I never approved of what mum and dad did,� Brent said rapidly. �If it were up to me, I�d have you back in a second. Hell,� he checked his watch, sighing in frustration, �I better get back. Alyssa will be throwing a temper tantrum by now. I��
His gaze travelled over Josh, intently, as though he was trying to make out all the changes that happened to his brother, all the changes that they weren�t able to witness over these six long years. �I�� he murmured, �I missed you.�
Josh drew in a sharp breath. But before he could say anything, Brent leaned forward suddenly and without warning, pulling him into a tight hug. �You�ll always be my brother,� he said quickly into Josh�s ear, his voice beginning to choke up. �I hope you know that.�
*Tom McRae�s �You Only Disappear� plays*
Josh could feel something warm and wet trailing down his cheeks. It was a strange feeling, for he did not think that he was crying; but he was crying nonetheless, soundlessly and without movement. Over time, he had trained himself to curb his desire for those things that he thought he could never have again, love of a family, love of a brother. Yet, here he was, embraced by this boy whom he both knew so well and did not know at all, tears silently running down his face, and he made no move to wipe them away.
He remained standing there, long after Brent had let go of him, long after the hotel doors had closed behind his brother�s retreating figure.
Close my eyes, I'm moving still
Magazines and dollar bills
And you wake up to a fall of snow
Your telephone, your radio
Leaning against the Porsche, Faye and Ryder watched the scene unfolding, Josh facing away from them, his chin lifted, his frail shoulders shaking slightly, staring at the space his brother had occupied.
�I�ll move back into the dorms,� Ryder suddenly said, and he glanced at Faye, his eyes a pale blue, like the sky outside.
She didn�t answer. Instead, she merely inched closer, and rested her head on his shoulder.
***
The winter sun slid effortlessly through the afternoon, touching everything with faded gold. Will stood by the window, and he, too, seemed gilded, the light playing over his hair. Arlene�s house was warm and homely, perhaps more homely than his own home ever had been. Maria, on the other side of the living room, was buttering half an M&M muffin, grinning as she watched Susan biting into the other half. The light caught Maria�s black hair, making the strands glow copper. Beside her, his mother took another bite of the muffin, smiling, and her bruises seemed a little faded than they were yesterday.
Will turned back toward the window. Beyond the pale gauze curtains, he could still see the faint outline of Brian Krudski sitting on the porch swing, immobile, like a statue carved from stone. His head was bowed, his hands clasped tightly in his lap, as though praying.
Baby I'll call up a storm
Keep you safe from harm
But you only, you only disappear
You only, you only disappear
The look in Will�s eyes was a mixture of sadness and pity. He did not doubt that Brian was sorry for what he had done, or what he had driven his wife to do; but he should have known that things could never return to how they were. Some wounds could not be closed, and some habits could not be changed, despite promises and forgiveness and so much more. The road to hell was, after all, paved with good intentions.
So he simply stood there, again glancing over his shoulder. Maria looked up at that moment, giving him a small smile. He smiled back, noticing how the light caught her eyes, making them rich mocha brown. He was suddenly and indubitably happy.
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�As you grow up you quickly realise that our fathers, like everyone else, have their failings and doubts. They make mistakes, like the rest of us, and like us they try to move on and make the best of things. You start to see that what they think is best for you is probably not what you want for yourself, and that realisation marks the end of an era. The last of our innocence, the final stopgap between us and the real world.�
***
I can live with my regrets
Still raise a smile, still raise my head
And a stranger god can be so cruel
And a holy fool is still a fool
Hamilton knocked on Jake�s door and pushed it open without waiting for an answer. �Jake,� he began, but stopped in his tracks when he realised that the room was empty.
He remained in the doorway, and as he looked around the room, an expression of realisation came over his eyes, like a tide crashing down.
***
The motorcycle sped along the highway, and sitting astride it was Jake, hunched over the handlebars. The stinging wind whipped across her face, rapidly drying the tear tracks on her cheeks.
Behind her, the skyline of New York slowly fell away.
***
�D�you think she�s okay?� asked Sean, anxiously peering out of the window of the diner, trying to see into Bella�s house.
�I think she will be,� David said quietly, his hazel eyes thoughtful. �After all, she�ll always have Charlie.�
***
But this is all I can say
I have lost my way
But you only, you only disappear
You only, you only disappear
Pagan Leigh got off the elevator at the seventh floor and traipsed down the familiar hallway, heading toward the apartment he had called home for the past fifteen years. He hoisted his backpack over his shoulder and smiled to himself, thinking about the way his mother would fuss over him when he got home and the way his father would make small talk, a little gruffly, as though that could disguise his deep affection for his only son. He hastened his pace.
But before he had even reached the door to the apartment, he could hear shouting coming from within. A moment of abrupt silence, before something smashed into the wall and shattered, the sound almost like a gunshot. Pagan sprang back in alarm.
Sure, his parents fought occasionally, like any other couple; but he had never heard this kind of noise, this kind of fight. He stepped closer and quietly tried the door. It was unlocked. He opened it a crack, and peered inside.
�Please, Crystal,� his father was standing in one corner of the living room, reaching out to his mother, �just listen to me��
�Don�t you touch me!� sobbed his mother, in the very opposite corner of the room, her trembling hands pressed to her face. �You fucking bastard! I don�t want to hear anything you�ve got to say! It�s all lies��
�What�s going on?� Pagan demanded, pushing the door wide open, looking around the apartment in shock. A coffee table had been toppled, and he could see the remains of his mother�s prized crystal sculpture on the floor beside the door, shattered into a thousand sparkling fragments. It was his father�s gift to her for their ten-year wedding anniversary.
With a word, with a line
With a smile that says goodbye
Pagan stared at the shards of crystal, noticing, even now, how the sunlight glanced off it in all directions, a desolate, glittering heap. �What happened?� he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper as he raised his eyes to his mother, a plaintive question in his gaze.
She merely turned away. �Ask your father,� she said, striding quickly from the room.
�Dad?� Pagan�s voice wavered as he swivelled toward Simon, his lower lip trembling. �What�s going on?�
He had never seen them fight like this. Lots of kids at school talked easily about family rifts, about divorce, about parents who hated each other, but not him. He never understood any of it, growing up in this apartment all his life, surrounded by his parents� love, not only of him but also of each other, and this love sheltered him like a cocoon from the outside world. Now, for the first time, he saw how things could have turned out otherwise; could still turn otherwise. And it terrified him.
Baby says goodbye
Baby says goodbye�
Simon Leigh turned his head, slowly, until their eyes met. His eyes were dull as ashes.
�Pagan,� he said, taking a deep, shuddering breath. �There�s something you have to know.�
�What is it?� demanded Pagan, walking into the apartment and closing the door behind him, all the while not taking his eyes off his father�s face.
Simon looked away. �That girl in your school, the one who looks like you��
�What?� Pagan looked shocked, �dad��
�Let me finish,� Simon said brusquely, �please, just let me��
�But dad,� Pagan exclaimed, �there�s no��
�Jacqueline,� Simon continued, as though he didn�t hear his son�s words. �She�s my daughter� your half-sister.�
Pagan felt as though his legs were suddenly made of water, and he leaned back against the door, bracing himself against it. �My� sister?� he whispered, his mind reeling.
�Jacqueline Pratt�� Simon murmured, more to himself than to his son, �Monica�s daughter��
Pagan�s head jerked up, but he did not look at his father. Instead, he stared out of the window and straight into the sun, the watery silver orb suspended in the pale winter sky. There was a rapidly gathering light behind his eyes as the final pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
�Jacqueline,� he whispered, a tide of dark fury washing over his face. �Jake��
It's raining now
On Royal Street
And I'd walk to you
If I could trust my feet�
