Acknowledgements: All my thanks go to Cassandra Claire, whose Draco series have again proved to be quite the inspiration when I took to writing this episode.
Additional disclaimer: One line taken directly from Margaret Atwood�s Good Bones. �No Surface All Feeling� is a song by the Manic Street Preachers.
Part 1
Teaser
Morning, again morning.
The sun had just risen above the horizon, that illusory line where the rippling lake met the sky. Clouds, in sheets of dense white-grey veined with slate, were imperfectly reflected in the water. They gathered and filtered the sunlight so that only meagre rays shone through, weakly; under the portentous cover the lake seemed ill at rest.
*Sarah McLachlan�s �Fear� begins to play*
A dorm room. A bed. A tattoo on a shoulder blade, an inky black scrawl in the shape of an �h� over creamy white skin.
It was the symbol of Saturn. God of boundaries and limitations, presiding over the need to build structure and safety, and the preservation of the basic laws of life.
And hence not much use in the aftermath. Not much use at the end of the world.
Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent, unknowing
Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
Ryder Forrest opened his eyes, and for a moment his head was entirely awash with the white-hot heat of pain. A wave of nausea rolled over him as he was none too delicately reminded of his drinking binge the night before. As the initial shock inside his skull subsided into a dull ache, he finally took in his surroundings, his vision blurred as though he was seeing everything through a thin layer of smoke.
His dorm room, the feeble rays of light trickling in through the windows, the frail form in his bed.
And everything came flooding back.
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better
than to fall
Josh Sutherland lay prone, black hair spread haphazardly over the pillow, a small smile adorning the corner of his lips as he slept. Ryder stared at him, stared at the skin he caressed drunkenly through the long night, the tattoo he�d traced with the tip of a finger, over and over again. He swallowed with difficulty, unable to tear his gaze from that smile. It seemed the smile of an angel, one that could only be worn by somebody who either did not understand the sorrows of this world, or was removed from it, inside the cocoons of sleep or death.
Forcing his sluggish limbs to operate, he disengaged himself from the tangled mess of bedsheets and placed his feet on the ground. The floorboards sent a surprising cold shock to his skin, coursing � as it seemed � straight through his bloodstream, turning everything it touched to ice. He swore under his breath, feeling his parched lips crack painfully under the exertion.
But I fear
I have nothing to give�
Moving as quickly as his throbbing head could allow, he gathered articles of clothing from those scattered on the floor, carelessly tossed aside last night amidst their dazed and frantic grapple. Boxers. Dress pants. Shirt. Suit Jacket. Anything to ward off the cold, anything to cover his nakedness. He fumbled with his shoes, his fingers scrabbling over the laces as though in undoing the knots, he could undo his memories as well.
Wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
they say temptation will destroy our love
The neverending hunger
He stood up when he had dressed himself, and involuntarily, was again drawn to Josh�s sleeping face. Even then he recalled that Josh didn�t smile much, not in his waking hours, not when they were together, and it made a part of him tremble as he gazed at that smile. It was delicate, innocent, free from grief.
Josh was extraordinarily pale in the morning light, like an ice sculpture that was given breath and had come to life. Ryder was struck suddenly and forcefully by an urge to reach out and touch his skin, or to brush away that strand of dark hair fallen across his face; but he stuck his hands in his pockets. Firmly. He didn�t trust himself otherwise.
Forget. Forget everything that had happened. Forget his small, warm hands and burning skin. Forget the look in his eyes as he moved over you in this very bed. Forget how he sobbed into your shoulder as the two of you made love right here.
No more! No more thoughts and memories and flashbacks. Ryder turned on his heels abruptly and walked out, closing the door behind him with a soft click. His feet carried him down the hall, faster and faster, until at the bottom of the stairs he broke into a run, footsteps thudding heavily on the polished wooden floor. He burst out into the thin morning air, letting it hit him like a bucket of ice water thrown over the head.
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
Back in the dorm room, Josh awoke. Silence greeted him, blended through the cold air of dawn, the pale watery sunlight.
He sat up on the bed. He looked around. He was alone.
He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them, not so much for heat or protection but under the need to make some sort of contact, even if it were only to himself, with himself.
It was the first day of November. The morning was pallid and devoid of warmth. He was alone.
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose�
Part Two
*Opening credits and theme song*
Scout and Hamilton�s room
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�People focus all the time on events or their consequences. Yet no one really tells you about the empty space between the two, after the event has happened, the pause before the consequence sets in. In many ways, I think that�s the worst place to be in, the space that fear occupies, waiting with your heart in your throat. I also think it�s where you learn the most, about yourself and about everyone else.�
Scout Calhoun was woken by the ringing of his cellphone. Still half asleep, he reached for the nightstand. Through his bleary vision he noted that his roommate�s bed was empty � guess he slept over at his girlfriend�s dorm room as usual.
It wasn�t until he muttered a hoarse �hello� into the receiver before he remembered, with a jolt, the small silvery voice from the night before, the person on the other end of the line, fading away � minute by minute as it seemed � from the realm of the living.
For a moment he thought with relief that it was a dream, just a dream, one that he could wake from and shake off; but then he heard Claire, the Kidline co-ordinator, her voice travelling over the line, heavy with worry and sympathy. �How are you?� she asked.
He closed his eyes wearily and fell back against the pillow. �It�s all real, isn�t it?�
�I�m afraid so,� she sounded subdued. �I�m so sorry you had to take a call like that.�
�Did you find out anything?� he asked, marvelling at the fact that despite the turmoil inside him, twisting his stomach into knots, his voice still sounded normal to his ears, as though he was discussing nothing more important than the weather.
�Calls to Kidsline are untraceable,� she repeated what was told to him during training. �I mean, we can�t rule out the possibility that it was just a very twisted joke, but��
�It didn�t sound like it, did it?� he said softly.
There was a moment of silence on her end before she sighed. �I�m afraid not.�
�God,� he murmured, feeling a persistent cold shiver run up and down his limbs, �oh, God��
�We would like you to attend a few sessions with our grief counsellor,� she said, �and� I�ll understand if you don�t want to take part in Kidsline any longer��
�Um, yeah. I mean, no,� he said randomly, uttering any response in the sequence that his brain churned them out. �I mean, I really don�t know right now.�
�I understand,� she said gently. �Take as long as you want to think it over, Scout. But we�re serious about getting you to come in and talk to our counsellor for a while. I think� I�m sure something like this would have been very traumatic for you and we�d like to get you some help��
�What about her?� he whispered, �Can we do anything about her? Can we find out what happened? Can we know if�� he trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.
She didn�t say anything. Holding onto the phone, it was a sudden and powerful reminder of the call last night, that ephemeral voice sounding as though it belonged to a half-transparent being, the prolonged silences. He wanted to know so much. Was the girl dead? Was she found on time and rescued? Was she floating in the ether, neither here nor there? Was she happy or sad, wherever she had ended up? What drove her to do it in the first place, before calling some anonymous helpline so she could spend her last waking moments, her last breaths in this world, talking to someone� anyone at all?
He wanted to know her name.
�I�m sorry, Scout,� Claire murmured. �We just� we just can�t know these things. We have no way of tracking her down and no way of even deducing which town she came from� she could have been calling from as far as Boston, or even New York.�
�I understand,� he said woodenly, opening his eyes again and staring up at the ceiling. It was a clear, pristine white, white as angels in the snow, white as hospital wards. White like death, the purity of nothingness.
***
Jake�s room
�Mom,� Jake Pratt said into her cellphone, pacing around the room in agitation, �hey. Did I wake you up?�
�Jacqueline?� Monica Pratt�s sleepy voice came over the line, �Is anything the matter?�
�I just� um,� Jake faltered, glancing at Hamilton Fleming, who was sitting on the bed and watching her intently. �I wanted�� she continued, �there�s a class project. We�ve got to, um, draw up a family tree��
�Jacqueline,� Monica said again, yawning, �surely this could�ve waited until morning?�
Jake swallowed, nervously drumming her fingers in the air as she tried to come up with some sort of plausible response. �I kinda left it to the last minute, mom,� she said weakly.
�Okay,� Monica�s tone was caught halfway between vexation and amusement, �what did you want to find out?�
�Well,� Jake said slowly, wondering how she could broach the subject without coming off sounding suspicious. She couldn�t, evidently. �I was wondering about my, um, dad.�
There was a pause at the other end. �Jacqueline,� her mother said slowly, �I told you before. I didn�t know your dad. We just met each other at a party, and��
�You know what, mom?� Jake interrupted with another glance in Hamilton�s direction. He nodded encouragingly and she gave him a small, frightened smile before turning back to the phone, �Mom, I don�t know if I believe that. I mean, I don�t believe that you didn�t know him.�
Monica was silent for a moment. �Did�� she finally said, sounding anxious, �did someone say something to you?�
�No!� Jake exclaimed quickly, then again, �No. I just thought it didn�t make sense. Mom, you don�t keep a baby from some one night stand with a guy whose name you barely knew. You just� you just don�t do that. I�m old enough to figure that out and I think I�m old enough to handle you telling me what actually happened.�
�Okay�� Monica murmured, clearly taken aback. �I just didn�t think it was something you needed to worry about, right now.�
�Mom,� Jake said softly, the pretence of the school project forgotten, �just tell me the truth, please? I need to know. I have a right to know.�
�Well�� Monica sighed, a drawn-out sound echoing over the line, �fine. I guess I owe you that much. Your father and I knew each other. We were friends. We were friends for a long time.�
Jake pressed a hand to her neck, as though she could stop her pulse from accelerating. �Why didn�t you ever talk about him?�
�Because we couldn�t be together,� Monica said simply.
�Why?� Jake pressed.
�Because,� her mother�s voice suddenly sounded tired again, �after all those years of our friendship being platonic, the one time we actually ended up together was the night before his wedding. To somebody else.�
�Oh.� Jake felt like she was participating in another of her mother�s numerous script preparations which, on the rare occasions when they spent a few days together in one place, they often passed the time practicing. She had liked those readings, it made her feel more like a part of her mother�s life. It felt the same, now, to listen to this story and be expected to respond at suitable intervals, understanding Monica more and more as they went along. But this time there was no script in her hands, and she did not know what to say.
�Yeah,� Monica chuckled dryly, �well. It was his last night of freedom, so to speak. He got drunk; I got drunk. One thing led to another and�� Another small laugh, �I mean, what could we have done? It was the night before his wedding, for god�s sake. It wasn�t as though I was the love of his life who he�d call off the wedding for.�
�Were you�� Jake wasn�t aware that her voice had dropped to a whisper, �were you in love with him?�
�I was,� Monica�s voice had taken on a faraway, dreamy tone. �Once upon a time��
�And I guess you didn�t know you were pregnant until after the wedding,� Jake speculated.
�Of course.� Monica sounded sleepy again.
�So what made you decide to keep me, mom?� Jake asked softly.
�Oh, Jacqueline,� Monica sighed, �how do I reply to something like that? It�s not just a question that could be answered like that, honey� it�s so complicated. I kept you because I was lonely, I wanted someone important in my life, I wanted a child.�
Jake nodded slightly. �Was it anything to do with who my dad was?�
�Of course it had something to do with Simon,� Monica said, �like you said, I probably wouldn�t have kept a baby from some random one night stand. But you�ve got to understand I didn�t keep you because I wanted a souvenir of that night or anything like that. The timing was just� right.�
�I get it,� Jake said, smiling a little for the benefit of her mother, hoping that Monica could perceive, on the other side of the ocean that divided them, that she really did understand. A pause, and she asked tentatively, �His name is Simon?�
�Yes,� Monica said, �Simon Leigh.�
***
Josh and Ryder�s room
�Heya!� Faye Archer cheerfully announced her presence by poking her head in the door, not bothering to knock, as usual. �How�s the hangover?�
Josh, dressed in black and sitting on the bed, looked up blankly.
�Hey,� she quickly realised that her brother was nowhere to be found and walked in, plopping down at the foot of Josh�s bed, �where�s Ryder? I wanted to check on him after that passing-out thing he did last night.�
He didn�t look at her. �He�s not here.�
�Where did he go?� she asked, leaning on her elbow, �Must�ve been a pretty big thing to drive him out of bed at ten o�clock on a Sunday morning. Especially seeing the state he was in last night��
�Yeah,� he said curtly, still avoiding her eyes. Instead, he looked at his hands, which were folded neatly in his lap, the faint blue of his veins showing through the translucent white skin. Gingerly, he touched the tip of one finger to the tip of the other.
Faye studied him. �What�s going on?�
He didn�t answer.
�I hate to say it,� she said with a bemused little chuckle, �but you�re kinda scaring me. You didn�t, like, kill him, cut him up into little pieces and stash him all over the school, perchance?�
He studied his hands avidly, his expression entirely unchanged.
�Okay�� she said slowly. �Now I�m freaked. God, you didn�t try to kiss him again or something rash like that, did you?�
That remark, somehow, brought a smile to his lips. A bitter one, but a smile nevertheless. He looked up at her, his eyes a startling, piercing green.
�I�m afraid it�s gone somewhat past one kiss.�
***
Jake�s room
�It�s crazy,� breathed Hamilton, sleepy blue eyes open wide. �You�ve got a brother.�
�Half-brother,� Jake corrected him from her seat on the bed, hugging her knees.
�Whatever,� he shrugged. �I�m just saying, this is huge. What are you gonna tell your mom? What are you going to say to� your brother, the next time you see him?�
�I don�t know,� she buried her face in her hands, �I just don�t know anything. I mean, judging by his expression when he saw me last night, I don�t think he had any idea either. I don�t even know his name.�
�Wow,� he shook his head in wonder, �this is� this is unbelievable. What are you gonna do next? Are you going to� I dunno, find your dad? Talk to him?�
�Look, I just don�t know anything right now,� she said wearily, massaging her temples, �give me some time to think about it, all right?�
The look in his eyes softened as he wrapped an arm around her. �Of course,� he said simply, �Jake, whatever you decide to do, I�ll be right behind you.�
�Thanks,� she said gratefully, leaning her head on his shoulder.
***
Rawley Girls� Academy
Will Krudski strode through the girls� dorms, self-conscious despite the fact that the hall was entirely empty. It simply felt weird, being the only guy in this all-female zone. He briefly wondered how Jake, in her unique position, was able not to go insane after spending a whole year at the Boys� Academy.
He paused at the threshold of the common room. Maria Ishizuka was already there, sitting on one of the couches and leaning over the coffee table; Anita Simons, her English tutor, was gathering up a pile of texts.
�Hey,� Will said with a smile, leaning against the doorframe and trying to look casual, �ready for your philosophy lesson?�
He spoke to Maria, but his gaze inadvertently travelled over Anita�s face.
�Hey!� Maria replied cheerfully, �How are you?�
�Fine,� he replied as he walked into the spacious lounge, �you guys nearly done?�
�Yes,� Anita said curtly, darting a glance in his direction. She piled the books into her backpack and nodded at Maria, �We�ll go over the Fourth Act next week, okay?�
�Thanks,� Maria said, handing her a couple of bills.
Anita took the money, her cheeks reddening slightly. She quickly tucked the notes in her back pocket and walked to the door, avoiding Will�s eyes. �See ya.�
�Anita�� he said as she passed, reaching out as though he wanted to grab her hand.
�What?� she demanded irritably, drawing away from him.
He looked into her eyes, and she looked back, her expression full of impatience. She seemed a different person from last night, altogether separate from the girl he�d talked to on the docks, the one who gave him a brief but powerful kiss before she faded into the shadows�
�What?� she demanded again, folding her arms across her chest.
�Nothing�� he said hesitantly, taken aback.
�Good,� she said, walking away from him without a second glance, �I�m off.�
�Will,� Maria said, and tried again when he didn�t answer. �Will!�
He turned back to her, his gaze still following Anita down the hall. �Hmm?�
�Is anything the matter?� she asked.
He snapped his attention back to her. �What? No, of course not. Come on,� he smiled, �let�s get back to Descartes.�
***
The Gas Station
The day had brightened as it approached noon, but the sky was still overcast, layers of pale cottony clouds shielding the sun from direct view. It seemed like the first day in ages where the weather authoritatively denoted that summer was truly over, and it was a somewhat depressing thought.
Sean McGrail, however, appreciated the onset of the fall than perhaps anybody else in New Rawley. His ban on school sports was finally lifted, and he had just made the soccer team. Jovially, he bounded up to the gas station and poked his head in the door, �Hey!�
Bella Banks, who was manning the counter and looking rather bored, glanced over with a smile, �Hey.�
�How was the dance?� he asked, sauntering into the shop.
�It was�� she tapped her chin lightly, searching for a word, �� interesting.�
�Oh yeah?� he flopped onto the couch, �Interesting how?�
�Interesting in the way that I got to play onstage with Amnesia,� she said with a small, cheeky grin, waiting for his reaction.
His jaw fell open, �You played onstage?�
�And Josh asked me to join the band,� she said, trying to keep the smugness in her voice to a minimum.
�That�s awesome, Bella,� he broke into a wide grin, �we should celebrate.�
�Yeah?� she chuckled, touched by his enthusiasm.
�Of course!� he jumped up, �Come on, chocolate cake from the diner. On me.�
�I just might take you up on that,� she laughed as he started to head out. �Can you bring it over? I�m still on my shift. Thanks, Sean.�
�Any time�� he began to say, before he opened the door and collided with a customer. �Sorry, man,� he reached for the doorframe to steady himself, looking anxiously at the tall blond boy who�d just come in, �you okay?�
The other boy smiled, pushing wire-rim glasses up his nose, �I�m fine. Excuse me.�
�All right,� Sean cast a glance over his shoulder, �Bella, I�ll be back in a sec��
But she was no longer listening to him. She had stood up, her gaze fixed on the other guy. The expression on her face was half delighted surprise and half bashful coyness. A brief thought crossed Sean�s mind that he hadn�t seen the same look on her face since the early days of her relationship with Will.
The tall guy stood in the doorway, smiling a little and sticking his hands in his jeans pockets. �Bella,� he said.
�David,� she murmured, a smile lighting up her face, �Hey.�
Sean looked from David to Bella, then back to David again. A small frown creased his forehead, completely unnoticed by the others.
Part Three
The Gas Station
�What are you doing here?� Bella asked, still a little shocked, striding out from behind the counter to give David Stephenson a giant bear hug.
�It�s a class project,� he explained as he kissed her on the cheek, �sort of like a field trip. A bunch of us are assigned to shooting a short film out of town.�
�And you picked New Rawley?� she chuckled incredulously.
�Well,� he grinned, �uh, one of the girls� sister goes to school here; and I remembered you lived here, so�� he shrugged, �it was a no-brainer.�
He hadn�t changed much from when she last saw him, a few months ago in Carson. Same shortish sandy hair, same quiet, bookish demeanour with an underlying aura of intelligence. She thought she�d never see him again after the summer, somehow making this second encounter additionally meaningful. �How did you manage to find me?� she asked, unable to stop smiling.
�Are you kidding?� he grinned again, �the very first person I asked heard the phrase �Banks family� and pointed me straight into the gas station.�
�I guess being the only family in town who can fix engines has its perks,� she laughed. �So how long are you staying for?� Before he could answer she caught sight of Sean, still in the doorway, looking just a tad uncomfortable. �Oh, sorry� David, this is my friend Sean; Sean, this is David. I met him while I was in Carson.�
�Hey,� Sean nodded at the other guy, forcing a grin.
�Hi,� David smiled at Sean before turning back to Bella, �the project deadline is in four weeks, and that�s about how long we�re staying.�
�Sounds great.� She wondered quickly if it was too forward to place a hand on his arm and decided that, given their brief but affectionate contact back in Carson, it would be okay. She gently touched his sleeve, �God, I can�t tell you how happy I am to see you again!�
�Likewise,� he chuckled. �Hey� if you�re not busy, wanna come meet the rest of the team?�
�Sure,� she said quickly, �that sounds fun.�
�Hey�� Sean spoke up hesitantly, �don�t you need to look after the gas station?�
�It�s okay,� she waved her hand flippantly, �Grace can cover me. Hey�� she raised her eyebrows at him inquisitively, �you don�t mind if I take a raincheck on that cake?�
�Sure,� he said with a shrug, his face a passive mask behind which his disappointment resided, �some other time.�
�Thanks, Sean.� She grinned, �You�re the greatest.�
�No prob,� he said, sticking his hands in his pockets, watching her turn back to David with a bright grin.
***
Josh and Ryder�s room
�Of course I haven�t forgotten our meeting,� said Josh wearily into his cell phone, �I�m just running late.�
He paused for a moment, listening to the other person. �Yes,� he sighed, �the contracts are all ready, I�ve arranged for a lawyer to be there. He�ll bring the rest of the paperwork, and I�ll be there as soon as I can, I promise.�
Faye was sitting at the desk, sorting a pile of papers into a large brown envelope. �Have you got everything?� Josh asked as he got off the phone.
�Should do,� she replied, sealing the envelope and handing it to him. �You sure you don�t want me to come along to Boston?� she asked hesitantly, �I� I don�t feel comfortable leaving you alone at a time like this.�
�We�ve all got to pay our dues,� he said cryptically, offering her a tight smile.
�Where on earth is Ryder anyway?� she asked, a flash of intense righteousness darting through her violet eyes. �God, wait until I get my hands on him��
�And what are you going to do?� he asked quietly.
For the first time since she could remember, she could not make out any discernable emotion in his voice, and that scared her more than whatever he said or did not say. Ryder was supposed to be the one who veiled his feelings so completely they could not be reached, not Josh. Josh was delicate and fragile and easily ruined and therefore easy to understand. She was suddenly hit with the fleeting but overwhelming feeling that she was in out of her depth on this issue; as though the pain and suffering, on both his side and Ryder�s, was a mark scorched deeper than she could reach. �But�� she stuttered, �he can�t just take off like this! It�s� it�s��
�Exactly what he�d do,� he finished for her, his voice eerily serene. �And we all know it.�
She looked at him, biting her lower lip.
He avoided her gaze, turning away. �He�ll be found when he wants to be found.�
�Well, what are you going to do?� she demanded, �He can�t� we can�t��
His brief gaze in her direction was fiercely green and hard as diamonds. She�d seen that look on his face before, when she first caught up with him after all those years in exile, severed from his family and everybody he cared about. There was that look again, all surface no feeling. He didn�t want to listen to whatever she had to say. With a start she suddenly realised that perhaps, even if she said everything that she could say, he still would not have learned anything that he did not know before. Wearily rubbing her temples, she sighed. �What do you need me to do?�
He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, just for a moment before he averted his eyes. �Nothing,� he whispered, �nothing��
She stared at him and, in one of the very rare occasions in her life, was speechless.
�Remember Lisa?� he asked suddenly.
She frowned and shook her head, mystified.
�Lisa Walker,� he reminded her gently, �back in England� his first girlfriend.�
�Oh my god,� she murmured, �yeah. Jesus, how long has it been? We were eleven years old, weren�t we? Ryder must�ve been twelve. Lisa, yeah, I remember. She had the longest hair I�ve ever seen.�
He nodded, tugging at a stray thread on his shirtsleeve.
�I remember him inviting her over one day,� she murmured, lost in thought, �and us spying on them when they were out in the back garden, on the swing set.� A pause, and she fixed her eyes on him, �When you saw him kiss her, you ran home and locked yourself in your room. You didn�t come out for an entire day.�
�Lisa,� he murmured, �I�ve never forgotten.�
�Did you hate her?� she asked hesitantly.
He shook his head, looking down at his hands again.
�Well,� she bit her lower lip, �did you hate the girls who came afterward? All those girls� everywhere he went, there were always dozens, just lining up for him, waiting for him.� Shaking her head, she chuckled mordantly, �I could never bear bringing that up with you. I guess it doesn�t make much difference now.�
�No, it doesn�t,� he agreed, and his usual half-smile returned, albeit a painful one, shaded with nostalgia and longing. �I didn�t care about them,� he said quietly, �all those girls� I didn�t care at all because I knew Ryder didn�t care about them either. But Lisa��
�Lisa was a different story,� she finished for him, nodding slightly.
He cast a quick glance in her direction, his turquoise eyes somehow reminding her of the ocean � an endless expanse with a strong undertow. �I just wanted to be her,� he said, looking away again, �I�ve never wanted anything that desperately in my life.�
�Why,� she asked, �because she was the first?�
�Don�t you get it?� Mindlessly, he traced the patterns on the bedspread. �Lisa wasn�t just the first, she was the only. He had the biggest crush on her and do you remember how happy he was when she finally agreed to go out with him? She was the only person he�d ever really cared about, in that way. After Lisa, he would� we would never be that innocent again��
She exhaled slowly, running a hand through her hair as she digested the fact.
�Even now,� his voice sounded faint and distant, like an echo, �I wish I were her. I don�t want this long, complicated history and these� encounters we keep screwing up; I just�� he closed his eyes wearily, his voice a mere whisper, as though he could not bear saying the words out loud. �I just� I just want to be Lisa. God knows that�s all I�ve ever wanted.�
*Placebo�s version of �Running up that Hill� plays*
�Go ahead and cry if you want to,� she said softly, �I don�t blame you.�
He managed a wistful smile and opened his eyes again. �I�m okay,� he said, casting a brief glance over the envelope in his hand, �I�ve got to go.�
�You sure you can handle things on your own?� she asked.
�Yeah,� he said, heading toward the door, �we�ve just got to sign a few contracts. The concert is in a few days and they can�t wait� the group�s managerial staff are coming in a few hours. I�ve got to deliver these papers on time.�
�Okay�� she said hesitantly, �call me if��
�Any problems, blah blah,� he said with another forced smile, �I got it. See ya.�
�See you,� she echoed as he headed into the hall. The door closed behind him and her gaze came to rest on the desk, where the breakfast that she�d gotten for him � a cup of coffee and a croissant from downstairs � remained untouched.
It doesn't hurt me
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know, no that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You� you and me
***
As Hamilton turned the corner in the hall, he saw Michael Tan and Pagan Leigh coming toward him. His footsteps slowed, but did not falter.
Pagan cast a quick, nervous glance in his direction, and Hamilton was again struck by how closely the boy resembled Jake, both in appearance and demeanour. Jake herself had glanced at him the same way countless times: chin tucked, a slight tilt of the head, and a fleeting look. Everything was so familiar, yet at the same time strange beyond reckoning.
�Hey,� Michael said as they passed. Hamilton could only manage a weak smile as Pagan brushed by, his lips set in a thin line, the look in his eyes a contradicting mixture of unrestrained curiosity and outright refusal to understand anything that he did not want to understand.
If I only could
make a deal with God
Get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
If I only could, I would�
***
Back in her room, Jake�s fingers flew over the computer keyboard. The Rawley logo flashed onscreen: she�d hacked into the student database. She took a deep breath, focusing on the task at hand. Had Hamilton been there, he would surely have remarked upon the similarity between the intense look in Pagan�s eyes, and the one in hers.
She scrolled down the list of new entrants until she got to �Leigh, Pagan�. She stared at the name for a moment, trying to appreciate the enormity of it all. Her brother. Such a new word to get used to. Did she want to get used to it? Did he? Her fingers trembled a little as she tapped the �enter� key. A new browser window emerged, bringing with it a smiling photograph of Pagan.
She noticed that his eyes were, unlike hers, a clear blue, and one of the first tangible distinctions between them. His jaw was a little more pronounced than hers, his brows less arched. But all that was not really relevant. There was no mistaking that they shared the same genes, the same blood� the same father.
You don't want to hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder
There is thunder in our hearts, baby
Her gaze came to rest on the section of the profile marked �Parental details and contacts�. Father Simon Andrew Leigh. Mother Crystal Leigh. An address in New York City. For a crazy moment she wanted to squeeze her eyes shut and force herself away from this address, away from the acquiring of knowledge. Would there be really any good to come with knowing? It was such a terrible thing sometimes.
But her eyes remained open, and alert, and she looked, and looked, and looked.
Simon Andrew Leigh.
Father.
***
So much hate for the ones we love
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You� you and me
You and me won't be unhappy
The grey afternoon had finally faded into drizzle. Will and Maria, safely contained within Friendly�s, joked with each other behind the counter. Since most customers evidently didn�t feel like going out for diner food in this weather, the restaurant remained refreshingly empty. It was a welcome break from their usual duties.
But Will�s mind always seemed to be elsewhere. Sometimes Maria had to ask him a question two or three times before he could hear, and even then his replies were short and irrelevant. Deep in his own thoughts, he failed to notice her thoughtful gaze, and the slight stoop of her shoulders as she tried again, unsuccessfully, to engage him in conversation.
However, his attention was drawn when a movement outside caught his eye. Two people quickly walked past the diner, not once glancing inside. They were both girls: one of them he didn�t recognise, but the other was unmistakably Anita. Without really noticing his own actions, he followed her path with his gaze until the girls disappeared out of sight.
Unbeknownst to him, Maria also watched, but her eyes were firmly trained on him. Her expression was dull, as though a light inside has gone out. She sighed � a barely audible sound, one that he did not hear at all.
***
If I only could
make a deal with God
Get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
If I only could �
Josh sat at a table with a balding man in a business suit, each signing a copy of a contract. Behind him stood a few people his own age � the other organisers of the gay and lesbian fundraising concert.
Josh shook hands with the man as they stood up, a thin smile floating to his lips.
�Thank you,� the man said in a thick European accent, �we�ll be seeing you on the night. I wish you all the success with your event.�
�Thank you,� Josh replied, walking the man to the door. The man shook his hand again and walked out.
Josh closed the door and looked back over his shoulder. The others whooped, bursting into a flurry of laughter and high-fives.
C'mon, baby, c'mon, c�mon darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience
Josh, leaning back against the door, managed a weary smile. He exhaled, raising his eyes to the ceiling, carefully not thinking at all. He wouldn�t be able to stand here otherwise, to be in the same room as these people, talking, laughing, celebrating the fact that they�d finally contracted a famous pop duo for the headliners. Their excited voices echoed around him, enveloping him, deafening him, and it was all he could do to stand there, leaning on the door, his cold fingers gripping the smooth wood, smiling, looking as though he cared. Looking as though he wasn�t an empty shell of himself, as though this charade of a life was really a life, as though the world as he knew it did not end last night, as though�
As though he didn�t wake up alone.
***
If I only could
Make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems
Scout walked quickly across the Rawley grounds, having just exited the library with an armload of books. He strode purposefully toward the boys� dorms but, in turning a corner, promptly collided with someone and spilt his books all over the lawn. �I�m sorry�� he began to say, before he realised who he�d bumped into. A pair of bright violet eyes stared back at him, and there was a brief, awkward lull.
�No, I�m sorry,� Faye said politely, as though they were mere classmates, if even that. �I wasn�t looking.�
He bit his lower lip as she bent down to help him. �How are you?� he finally decided to ask, knowing that she would consider the question instead of tossing out an automatic answer, and that was the easiest way of finding out if she was all right, these days.
She pondered the question. �I�m fine,� she said finally, �for the most part. All the problems I deal with seem to come from people around me, so I�m��
Her sentence, however, trailed off as she picked up the last book on the ground. Dealing with Suicide. She glanced up at him, her eyes wide.
�Um,� he reddened, grabbing the book from her hands and taking off in the direction of the dorms, �it�s for a project� I gotta go.�
Long after he�d departed, she remained in the same spot, pensively watching his retreating back.
If I only could
Make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill�
***
New Rawley
�So,� Bella asked David as they strode quickly down Main Street, ducking their heads against the misty rain, �this is a project for your college course.�
�Yeah,� he glanced at her as he spoke, his glasses flecked with raindrops, �we�ve been given four weeks to do it. One of the criteria is that it can�t be shot within New York. Something different to preoccupy ourselves with, I guess.�
�What do you have to make?� she asked, �A short film?�
�Well,� he turned a corner and led the way to a ramshackle house, �we are allowed to make anything under ten minutes, but we talked about it and decided we didn�t want to make another short film.� He rolled his eyes with a slight smile, �After three years at film school you tend to, uh, get sick of artsy, abstract ten-minute stuff.�
�I can imagine,� she chuckled, following him in the door. The interior of the house was dank and in bad repair, and she looked around, �This is where you guys are staying?�
�We managed to rent from a local guy,� he explained as they navigated their way through the hall lined with strips of peeling wallpaper. �He was the only person who�d let us rent for only four weeks. Plus,� he chuckled as they walked into the run-down looking lounge, where a couple of guys were sprawled on the floor, assembling camera equipment, �it seemed to be the only place that we destitute Fine Arts students can afford.�
�Hear hear,� said one of the guys on the floor, who was polishing a camera lens, removing his attention from it just long enough to flash Bella a quick smile.
�Bella, meet Paul and James,� David did a quick round of introductions. �Where are the girls?�
�Lydia just retrieved her kid sister from the boarding school,� Paul said offhandedly, �they�re in the kitchen.�
�Not anymore,� a female voice answered, and a brunette emerged in the doorway, armed with a steaming coffee pot. �Who wants coffee?�
Behind her trailed two other girls, one was sandy-haired and armed with a jar of sugar and a milk carton; the other carried a bunch of mugs, and happened to be Anita Simons from Rawley Girls� Academy.
�Lyddie, you are a lifesaver,� James mock-sighed, jumping up and taking the pot from the girl�s hands.
�Bella,� David grinned as he reached for a mug, �the one with the coffee is Lydia. The one with the sugar is Ellie. And,� he smiled at Anita, �you must be Lyddie�s sister.�
�So,� Anita scrutinised him coolly, setting down the mugs, �the infamous David.�
�Don�t trust anything your sister says about me,� David laughed lightly, his gaze straying to Lydia.
The other girl elegantly arched an eyebrow before turning to Bella with a vague smile, �Hey.�
�Hi,� Bella said tentatively. Lydia was strikingly beautiful, with dark, doelike eyes and an air of sultry grace about her. Nevertheless something about the girl made her uneasy � Lydia was scrutinising her, and not discreetly either, her gaze cool and slightly aloof.
David stepped smoothly between the girls. �Here,� he pushed a mug into Bella�s hands, �have some coffee.�
�Thanks,� she said uncertainly, sneaking another peek at Lydia. The other girl had averted her gaze and now looked chic and demure, perching herself on the edge of a windowsill. Bella blinked: perhaps the trace of animosity had only been her imagination�
�Bad news,� Ellie announced to the room at large, �I called the department and they said we won�t be able to use the song.�
The crew groaned collectively. �I can�t believe it,� David sighed, �we�re back to square one.�
�So� what now?� asked James, �We can always try to hunt down some other song that isn�t copyrighted.�
�It�s the new millennium,� Lydia drawled, �Everything�s copyrighted these days. I say we just forget about this whole idea.�
�Come on,� said David, not looking at her, �let�s just give this a fair go.�
�Well, like you said,� she examined her manicured nails, �we�re at square one, and I don�t see you coming up with any good ideas to get us out of there.�
�What�s going on?� Bella whispered to David.
He took off his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose, �Sorry. You know how I said we didn�t want to make another short film? Well, we thought it�d be pretty cool to shoot a clip for a song��
�You mean, a music video?� she clarified.
He smiled, �Yeah.�
�Cool,� she smiled back.
�Yeah, well,� Lydia�s voice was sulky, �it doesn�t look like it�s gonna happen.�
�Basically,� Ellie explained for the benefit of Bella and Anita, �it boils down to the fact that we can�t use any song that has a copyright on it, unless we get direct permission from the owner. And that pretty much amounts to any song we can lay our hands on.�
�David,� Bella said, �you write songs � why don�t you just use one of yours?�
He grinned, slightly embarrassed, �Don�t push me into the inferno, Bella. They�re nowhere near the quality we need. We wanted something professional, plus� we need something studio-recorded and mixed and it�s too late, even if I�m willing, to do the recording.� He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, �I guess Lyddie�s right. Let�s just shoot a short film like everyone else.�
�Wait,� Bella interjected. All gazes in the room swerved in her direction and she blushed, glancing at David, �I might be able to help with that. I have a friend� he�s in a band� it�s sort of a long story but I�m kinda in the band, too��
�Kind of in a band?� Lydia repeated, her look of equivocal contempt not lost on the others.
David chose to ignore it. �And you guys have something already recorded?�
�Yeah,� Bella nodded, �they went away this summer to record an EP. I have a copy lying around home. I just figured, if you guys are set on doing this music clip thing, any song�s better than no song, right?�
�Not necessarily,� said Lydia, sourly.
�Shut up, Lyddie,� Ellie said good-naturedly, �let�s just hear this out. I�m interested even if you aren�t. So,� she asked Bella, �will your friend let us use his songs?�
�He was talking about putting together a media package just the other day.� Bella said, growing excited, �I think this could really work out for the both sides. You guys get the song� and will the band be able to use the video in return? For promotion?�
David glanced at the others. With the exception of Lydia, everyone seemed genuinely attracted to the prospect. �Of course,� he smiled warmly at Bella, �this sounds good, Bella. We�ve got to hear the songs first, of course, but I�m sure we can work something out.�
�Great,� grinned Bella. However, she couldn�t help but catch a glimpse of Lydia�s sullen expression, and a hint of resentment in the other girl�s eyes.
Part Four
Jake�s room
�So,� Hamilton said, sprawled on Jake�s bed. The pale light of the setting sun outside cast a gilded sheen over him, catching random highlights in his hair and making his eyes look almost golden. �What are you gonna do?�
Jake sat in her desk chair, absently chewing on her nails. �I don�t know,� she finally said.
He didn�t answer, his gaze travelling over her features with a tinge of concern.
�I mean,� she said after a pause, �what�s the point? Pagan� did you see his face at the Ball last night? He was completely freaking. He didn�t want to stop and talk and get to know me, he just wants me to disappear.�
�I don�t know about that�� he said quietly, but she shot him an incredulous look and he sighed, shrugging. �Yeah, I guess you�re right. He did look pretty freaked.�
�It�s just,� she tugged on her hair in agitation, �what am I trying to do here? Does he even want a sister from nowhere?�
�More importantly,� he pointed out, eyeing her outfit, �are you going to tell him you�re his sister, or his brother?�
She looked down at her long-sleeved shirt and cargo pants, and could not help a sardonic smile. �There�s that, too.�
He watched her disconsolate expression and sighed, holding out his arms, �Come here.�
She walked over and gladly succumbed to the embrace. Sighing into his shoulder, she said softly, �You know, if we could get over all this awkward stuff� if I could just tell him, and he could just accept it, then it would be so cool� I�ve always wanted a sister or a brother.�
�Yeah,� he nodded and hugged her tighter. �It�ll be okay, Jake.�
�I hope you�re right,� she murmured, closing her eyes, thankful that he was there to support her, whatever her next move might be.
***
Rawley Academy
*Manic Street Preachers� �Born a Girl� plays*
The night had fallen when Josh finally arrived back at Rawley. Pulling in at his usual parking spot, he cut the engine, feeling the car shudder to a stop beneath him. Slowly, he unbuckled his seat belt, but could not bring himself to open the door.
It wasn�t so much that he didn�t want to move than he could not move, his limbs seemingly removed from his motor functioning system altogether. He was tired to the bone.
Do I look good for you tonight?
Will you accuse me as I hide?
Behind these layers of disguise
And the mirrors of my own happiness
So he simply sat there and stared, blankly, at the night outside. A substantial layer of clouds obscured any vision of overhead stars, and the night was black ink. The trees around the parking lot rustled as the wind crept through them, casting down showers of dead leaves.
He sat there, not moving, not thinking.
***
Carson
I�ve loved the freedom of being inside
I need a new start and a different time
Something grows in the space between me
And it�s twisting and changing this fragile body
In a house situated somewhere in the town of Carson, inside a dark little room, Ryder disengaged himself from the arms of a sleeping girl in the bed. He looked at her as he zipped up his trousers, his indifferent gaze searching over her face.
He couldn�t remember her name. Or maybe he�d never gotten around to asking for it, when they met earlier in the bar. It wasn�t necessary to know.
By the faint light of the moon outside he could see her features, smoothed by the mask of sleep. She looked pretty, and innocent, and all the things that could be said for most people who lay sleeping, but that was all. With a small pang a smile resurfaced in his mind�s eye, a smile he�d seen on a pale face not so long ago; but no sooner had that thought slipped past his defences than it was pushed away.
He walked toward the window, and pressed his forehead against the cool glass. Exhaling, he watched his breath condense into a white mist on the windowpane. Mindlessly, he reached up with one finger, drawing in the patch of condensation.
Later, when he snapped back to attention and took a look at what he�d scribbled, he staggered back, his breath catching in his throat.
Somehow, without meaning to, without even thinking about what he was doing, his scrawl was in the shape of an �h�, the symbol of Saturn.
***
Josh and Ryder�s room
And I wish I had been born a girl
Instead of what I am
Yes I wish I had been born a girl
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
The door swung inward silently. Light from the hallway spilled into the dark room, falling into a bright oblong shape on the floor. Josh�s insubstantial figure stood in the doorway.
The rush of hot blood in his chest dissipated as fast as it had come. For one crazy second he�d actually thought that maybe, just maybe, Ryder would have been there, that he would have come back. Now that he stood here, alone, he shook his head at his own idiocy and this silly romantic notion that things would actually be easy, from now on. Nothing was ever easy. Not with him, and not with Ryder. Theirs was a path strewn with thorns and broken glass; he should have known that by now.
With difficulty he walked forward and closed the door behind him. The light receded and darkness took back absolute control, wrapping itself around him like a cloak of raven down. He started toward the centre of the room, but his footsteps faltered as he caught sight of Ryder�s bed. The moonlight washed, misty silver, over the jumbled sheets, the rumpled pillows, and all the lingering memories of what took place there the night before�
The censorship of my skin
Is screaming inside and from within
There�s no room in this world for a girl like me
No place around there where I fit in
He walked backward. One step, two steps, three, until his spine came into contact with the reassuring resistance of the wall. He slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, resting his forehead in the crook of his elbow, making himself as small as he could possibly get.
Then, and only then, did the tears begin to fall.
And I wish I had been born a girl
Instead of what I am
Yes I wish I had been born a girl
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man�
***
Rawley Boys� Academy
The day dawned an uncertain dove grey, as though it didn�t know whether it wanted to release a light splatter of rain or clear up into sunshine and blue skies. Under such a hesitant canopy, students� moods were equally directionless, their attention spans somewhat transient as they sat through their morning classes.
�The Hours by Michael Cunningham,� announced Finn, walking around his students� desks and setting a copy of the novel down on each, �won the Pulitzer prize for fiction in 1999, as well as the Pen/Faulkner Award of the same year. The narrative takes place over the course of a single day, and darts between the lives of three women: Virginia Woolf in England in the 1920s, a Californian housewife in the 50s, and a modern day New Yorker. The novel talks � albeit sometimes obscurely � about a lot of things. Love. Art. Pretence. Insanity. Homosexuality. The final solution of suicide.�
Scout snapped to attention at those last words. He turned the book over, scanning the blurb before flipping it open, skimming through the opening paragraphs.
�How you choose to interpret a lot of it is up to you,� Finn continued, making his way back to the blackboard, �I will be assigning an essay on this novel, and there will be a question on it in the midterm exam. The novel itself is obviously required reading. I strongly recommend seeing the film adaptation, and possibly reading Virginia Woolf�s Mrs. Dalloway to get a deeper understanding of the workings of this book, but those are not necessary and therefore, I suspect, I�m just wasting my breath here.�
The class laughed. �Yet you always try,� teased Will good-naturedly.
�What can I say?� Finn chuckled, �I�m an idealist at heart.�
Scout, however, has stopped listening. He stared down at the page he had flipped to, the words that jumped out at him.
�She thinks of Leonard. She thinks of his hands and his face, the deep lines around his mouth. She thinks of Vanessa, of the children, of Vita and Ethel: So many. They have all failed, haven�t they? She is suddenly, immensely sorry for them. She imagines turning around, taking the stone out of her pocket, going back to the house. She could probably return in time to destroy the notes. She could live on; she could perform that final kindness.�
What was it that she�d said? That thin silver voice over the phone, so close to the seduction of death?
�I wish I could tell them how sorry I am, all of them� all the people who love me. They all tried so hard, but they�ve all failed, haven�t they?�
He was vaguely aware that he was trembling. The room swam in front of his eyes and he tried desperately to shut out the memory, to close his mind to remembering what had happened, because remembering meant� it meant understanding that somebody had tried to take her own life, in all its dark, despondent detail. It meant understanding that he could do nothing but yell down the phoneline, a series of desperate hellos with no answer. And that � the futile acts, the utter hopelessness � it was something he did not want to understand in its entirety.
They�ve all failed, haven�t they?
Biting down on his lower lip, he swallowed a wave of nausea. Just when he was seriously contemplating standing up and lurching out of the room, the bell rang. �That�s all, everyone,� Finn said amidst the noise of students packing up, hauling on their bags and scraping their chairs, �please read up to page 48 for preliminary discussions tomorrow.�
Scout inhaled deeply, then exhaled. He forced himself not to think but the black emptiness in the pit of his stomach remained, making him feel as though he was only half awake, and very, very distant from everybody else. With difficulty he registered that Will was talking to him. �You all right, man?� asked his best friend, glancing at him curiously as they walked out of class.
�Yeah,� Scout could do nothing but shrug. It didn�t feel right to share the experience, not yet, not when he hasn�t figured it out himself. He took a peek at Will and felt peculiar coldness seep through him, a feeling akin to be being immersed in an icy river. Perhaps all the most important things in this life had to be endured alone.
Worry was evident in Will�s eyes. �You sure about that? You look kinda pale.�
�Yeah,� Scout said again, slightly inclining his head as though that would make his pretence more believable.
�Well,� Will said, still looking dubious, �wanna go to lunch?�
�I�m not hungry,� Scout said truthfully. �I might, uh, go back to my room and start on the book.�
�Okay.� Will nodded. �Take care, man,� he added, still looking unsure.
Scout smiled weakly and watched his friend head down toward the doors. He tucked his hands in his pockets and went the other way, avoiding the herds of students trooping toward the dining hall.
The thought of returning his room and starting on The Hours made him feel sick. The thought of going to lunch made him feel sick. The mere thought of interacting with people while he felt like this� well, that made him feel sick, too. So he merely wandered around the halls, listening to the hollow sounds his shoes made on the wooden floor.
A poster caught his eye as he walked by the noticeboard in the Main Hall. A fundraising concert at Boston, sponsored by REACH and some other clubs and societies that all seemed to have �Q� somewhere in their names. Three guesses as to what they were for. He smiled wryly to himself and read on.
Special headliners: t.A.T.u. Despite his preoccupation, he raised his eyebrows and felt more than a little impressed: Josh and his cronies were certainly going for the high-flyers here.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, common room
�We should go,� Michael said decisively, reading the REACH poster.
�Let me guess,� Pagan smiled knowingly, �could this decision have anything to do with dancing, singing Russian lesbians?�
�You read me like a book,� said Michael, dryly, as they headed toward the dining hall. �Come on, it should be fun.�
Pagan shrugged, �I�m up for it�� His sentence trailed off as he looked up and saw Jake, Hamilton and Josh turn the corner. �What happened to Josh the music snob?� Jake was asking with a chuckle, �what happened to all the tirades about selling out?�
�They say they�re lesbians,� Josh tried to explain with a small grin, �and that was a good enough cause for us.�
�The lesbian thing is all for publicity,� Hamilton chimed in, �it�s totally a scam.�
Jake looked at him out of the corner of her eye, �And have you ever complained?�
He laughed. �I take what I get, publicity stunt or not. Hot lesbians are hot lesbians.�
�And suddenly you sound very, very straight when you say that,� teased Josh. Jake and Hamilton couldn�t help sharing an amused look over his head.
Josh, in the meantime, had spotted Pagan and Michael coming toward them and his jaw dropped, turning his neck to watch Jake�s half-brother brush past them briskly, not bothering to acknowledge Jake though their eyes met, briefly. Her gaze was tentative; his was hard and suspicious.
When the two moved out of sight, Josh finally spoke. �Uh�� he said, his voice surprised into a monotone, �Jake, you do know you have a twin, right?�
�Long story,� Jake sighed, �believe me.�
***
The Gas Station
�Don�t worry about Lydia,� David consoled Bella as they sat around the front counter, sipping hot chocolate, �she can be a bitch sometimes and I�m afraid yesterday was one of her bad days. But she�s really nice and funny if you get to know her��
�Yeah,� said Bella, somewhat dubiously. The phone rang and she grabbed it, excusing herself to David.
�Bella,� the voice on the other end belonged to Josh, �you called?�
�Yeah,� she replied, �did you get my message, about the people who want to make a music video for a song on the demo?�
�Yes,� he said, �it sounds great. They can use whatever song they want, I�m sure the others won�t mind.�
�So� what�s up?� she asked tentatively. Somehow she�d expected him to be a little more eager about this. A few weeks ago he was talking non-stop about the plans they�d have to put into place for the band, including making a music clip, of all things. Now this opportunity had fallen into his lap and it seemed as though he wasn�t even aware of its potential, which was a very un-Joshlike thing to do, when matters concerning the band arose.
�Thursday night is that fundraising concert in Boston I�ve been talking about,� he said, �we managed to get t.A.T.u. to headline��
�Really?� she exclaimed, �That�s so cool!�
�Yeah.� Again, his voice betrayed no sign of either joy or anxiety. �You wanna come? We could talk with the band then, too, about you joining.�
�Sounds good.� She glanced at David and asked Josh, �Can I bring a friend?�
�Sure,� he said quietly. �I�ve got to go, okay? I�ll come over tomorrow to give you directions.�
�Okay�� she said slowly, and added, �Josh? Take care of yourself.�
�I will,� he said before hanging up. She held onto the receiver for a moment longer, listening to the empty silence after the click on the other end. Somehow she didn�t think he was going to heed her advice.
David glanced at her thoughtfully but didn�t say anything, stirring the remainder of his drink.
�That was my friend from the band,� she explained, finally setting the phone down. �He said go ahead and use the songs.�
He broke into a bright smile, �That�s awesome.�
�Yeah,� she grinned back at him, feeling his enthusiasm catch on, �He also invited me to this concert on Thursday night, it�s a fundraising thing. Um�� she glanced down at her hands, blushing a little, �you want to go?�
Before David could answer, Sean knocked on the door and let himself in. �Hey!� he said brightly, �you wanna hang out, Bella?� Darting a quick glance at David, he threw an amicable, albeit a little strained, smile in the other boy�s direction. �Hey man.�
�Hey,� David answered, glancing at Bella, �Sounds good. I�d love to go.�
�Go to what?� asked Sean curiously.
�Um,� Bella tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, �Josh and some other people organised this concert thing in Boston on Thursday.� A pause, and she added, �You can come too, if you want.�
�I think I will,� Sean answered cheerfully, as though he didn�t hear the slight hesitation in Bella�s voice when she extended the invitation.
David merely smiled and drank some more hot chocolate.
Part Five
Boston, concert hall
It was late afternoon, only a few hours before the concert was due to start, and last-minute preparations meant a whole slew of people were running around the concert hall, a great majority of them not exactly knowing what they were supposed to be doing. Faye, Hamilton and Jake were puzzling over the lighting rig. A couple of technicians were setting up the sound system and Josh was looking over their progress, running back and forth between the stage and the centre of the hall in order to check the acoustics.
He had been rushed off his feet for the past couple of days, and despite being exhausted to nearly the point of collapse, he was secretly glad of the events at hand to keep his mind off other matters.
The hardest times were at night, when he had no school to attend or concert to organise, when it was just him, the moonlight filtering through the curtains, and the cold, empty room that he occupied.
It has been five days, and Ryder had not come back.
As he stood in the middle of the hall, listening to the sound quality of the bass drum, feeling the deep resonance shuddering beneath his feet, he caught his reflection in one of the far windows that lined the walls. It was a distorted image, his face and body broken into grotesque fragments. The bass drum sounded again, and he closed his eyes, just for a second, letting the low frequency rumble through him like distant thunder.
He would have liked to stay within that moment forever, make himself disappear, vaporising into the thin air, splitting into ten thousand particles that could never be gathered back in the same formation ever again. It seemed possible. He felt light and quick and insubstantial. He felt, in that split second, as though he had somehow resumed control over the life which has run away from him
The next thing he knew, he was swaying unsteadily on the spot, staring blankly into Faye�s worried face. �You all right?� she asked, �you look like you�re about to faint.�
He blinked a few times, feeling as though his head was stuffed with damp cotton wool. �I�m fine,� he managed to reply.
�I haven�t seen you eat anything today,� she said matter-of-factly, holding out a muffin that nestled in a napkin, �so I got this for you.�
�Thanks,� he shook his head, �but I�m not hungry.�
�You�ve got to eat something,� she insisted, her eyes meeting his with a hard resolution he knew well. He sighed with resignation and took the muffin from her hand.
�And now we�re going to find us a couple of seats,� she continued, taking him by the arm and leading him toward the bar area, �and I�m going to watch you eat this. To be honest I haven�t seen you eat anything at all since Ryder left��
�Do we have to talk about that?� he asked wearily as they sat down on a couple of bar stools.
�I guess not,� she said reluctantly, watching him begin to shred the muffin into tiny chunks, spilling crumbs over the counter. �But eat,� she said adamantly, �don�t just play with your food.�
�Yes, mother,� he sighed, placing a tiny bit of muffin in his mouth. It felt unnatural. It felt like he was tainting himself, spoiling the beautiful lightness and emptiness. He chewed slowly, methodically, trying not to think about sugar and fat clogging up his insides. But her violet eyes were watching him keenly, and he finally felt compelled to swallow. When he did that, he no longer felt as though he could simply dissipate and course through the air. It was a dirty feeling.
�Good,� she said, a hint of relief in her voice as she watched him put a second piece of muffin in his mouth.
He tried to smile but found that he simply couldn�t. It was with considerable relief that he heard Hamilton shout, �Faye, could you come here please?�
Faye sighed, glancing over at the other boy. Hamilton was standing by a set of switches, looking perplexed. �Stay here,� she stood up and commanded, �and eat the rest.�
He nodded and watched her head in Hamilton�s direction. Fluidly, he broke off half the muffin and tossed it in the bin behind the bar, all the time not taking his eyes off her retreating back. He began to crumble up the rest of the muffin and, watching Faye intently while she conversed with Hamilton, tossed it away piece by piece in the brief lulls where she wasn�t glancing at him, worriedly, out of the corner of her eye.
A small smile surfaced to the corner of his lips: this was good. It was a victory, of sorts.
***
Rawley Academy
The overcast sky made it hard to make out exactly what time in the evening it was, or whether the sun had already set. A grey shadow had progressively crept up, saturating everything in sight with the look and feel of dusk. A lot of Rawley kids had gone to Boston to see the fundraising concert, leaving the dorms more or less deserted.
Will, having neither the interest nor the resources to go to a concert in Boston � even a relatively cheap one, considering the talents on show � had opted to stay back, and when darkness began to fall he found himself walking outside, his feet seemingly knowing exactly where to carry him.
Although he opted for not actually thinking about where he was going, he couldn�t honestly say he was surprised when he found himself outside the boathouse, peeking into the dark interior and asking, his voice tentative, �Hello?�
No reply came. When his eyes adjusted to the dimness inside, he could see that, indeed, no one was there. Not knowing whether to feel disappointed or slightly embarrassed about this little foray, he stepped out of the boathouse and smiled sheepishly to himself.
�Like I said before,� a voice suddenly spoke up behind him, briskly, �don�t walk around grinning to yourself. You look quite deficient when you do that.�
�Anita,� he said softly, not wanting to turn around and face her. He knew exactly what look would be on her face � an expression that was half knowing, half mocking. It was the �knowing� part that made the �mocking� part harder to bear.
�Were you looking for me?� she asked, and he could hear the smirk in her voice.
He bit his lip and turned around, feeling a hot blush crawl up his neck as their eyes met. �No.�
The corner of her lip curled up. �Liar.�
�How can you be so sure of yourself, Anita?� he replied, wishing that the way he spoke could be as confident as the words he uttered.
�Because I know you, Will,� she said, stepping forward so that she was standing merely inches from him, so close that he thought he could feel the faint heat emanating from her body. �I know you well enough to know you�ve been fretting ever since that night I kissed you. And that you liked it.�
�I��
He never got to finish his sentence because suddenly her lips were upon his, again. It was not entirely unexpected, but his heat skipped a beat anyway, and he felt his ears grow hot as her arms snaked around his waist, pressing up against him, her body soft and pliant. It only took a split second before he made the decision to kiss her back, gathering her into a close embrace.
She was right. He liked it.
***
Boston, concert hall
It was getting late and most of the bands at the concert have finished playing. The large crowd had grown impatient and halfway through the last band�s set, began to chant �t.A.T.u.! t.A.T.u.!� right through to the end of the performance. Josh shared a rueful smile with the other members of Amnesia � it turned out to be a pretty good idea that they didn�t perform tonight.
By the �members of Amnesia�, he meant Emily, Alex, and Bella Banks. Their defunct guitarist Ben was found two days ago, passed out on a random acquaintance�s couch after a rather heady drink and drug binge. Since it wasn�t the first time he�d done something like this despite upcoming rehearsals or performances, and it was pretty obvious that it wasn�t going to be the last time either, it didn�t take much convincing for the other members of the band to boot Ben out and welcome Bella with open arms.
Bella had arrived earlier, and to the others� amusement, seemed to be in the difficult position of having a guy hanging off each arm. The taller, more bookish one was a stranger to most, and she�d introduced him as David, a friend she�d met in Carson. The boy on the other arm was, obviously, Sean; and as the night wore on it became more and more apparent that he didn�t exactly appreciate having to share Bella with somebody else.
�Um�� the MC, one of the other organisers of the concert, walked up amidst frenzied calls for the headlining act. �Guys, thanks for waiting, even though I wouldn�t exactly call that �waiting patiently�. Anyway, I�m sure you all know what�s coming next��
A roar went up at those words, and he grinned, �so without further ado, I present� t.A.T.u.!�
Amidst deafening cheers and whistles, the Russian pop duo emerged, flame-haired Lena Katina and pixie-like Julia Volkova dressed in schoolgirl uniforms and holding each other�s hand. They promptly launched into breakout single �All the Things She Said�, and even Josh couldn�t help a smile as the crowd promptly went crazy. It looked like the evening was going to be quite a success.
***
�Hey,� Michael shouted at Pagan over the din, �I see Faye over there.�
�Who?� Pagan shouted back, riveted by the performance.
�That girl I danced with at the Ball,� Michael explained, yelling in Pagan�s ear. �She�s pretty witty, and smart, and funny��
�WHAT?� Pagan shouted, �Michael, I can�t hear anything you�re saying!�
�Never mind,� Michael said, and motioned that he was going to get something to drink. Pagan nodded and turned back to the concert. Michael, on the other hand, struggled through the crowd, his small frame getting lost amongst the people until, suddenly, he emerged in front of Faye, smiling triumphantly.
�Hey!� she looked surprised to see him, �Where did you come from?�
�How should I answer that?� he pretended to ponder the question before tossing it aside and saying brightly, �Nice to see you here, too.�
�Enjoying the show?� she asked him loudly, leaning in closer so that he could hear.
�I am now,� he said with a big grin.
***
Meanwhile, Pagan�s attention was distracted when he saw a couple kissing near the bar. Not just any couple, either � his doppelganger and his boyfriend. He tried not to look at them at first, but soon enough he found himself unable to look away from Jake, who � to all intents and purposes � looked exactly like himself and it was therefore very disconcerting, standing there and watching himself making out with another guy. Plus, there was also that unsavoury memory of Halloween night when Hamilton had mistaken him for Jake and attempted to kiss him�
He stared at the couple, coldly, until they felt his presence and broke apart. Jake turned her head, looking for the source of unease that had settled over her, and she caught sight of Pagan. Her half-brother gazed at her, his lips set in a thin line. She darted a glance at Hamilton and sighed.
Pagan walked toward them, gliding fluidly through the throngs of people as though he wasn�t quite made of flesh and bone. Indeed, with his green velour shirt and slim brown corduroys, he did seem like an entity misplaced in time or space. The outfit would have looked a tad ludicrous on somebody else, but the way he moved, coupled with the grave expression on his face, more than eradicated the effect.
Jake watched him silently as he approached. She didn�t realise she was chewing on the inside of her cheek � a nervous habit of hers � until she saw that Pagan, too, was doing the same. She gave a small start at the familiarity. Hamilton�s grip on her hand tightened comfortingly.
�So,� Pagan began, his blue eyes boring intently into hers, �um� we didn�t exactly get to talk that night.�
�No,� she answered, wishing that she had a glass of water on hand. Her throat felt like sandpaper.
He looked like he wanted to say something, then thought the better of it. Biting his lower lip, he tried again, �Who are you?�
Jake stared at him. She didn�t know how to answer.
�I mean,� he said, �I�ve been thinking about this and it just� it just doesn�t make sense. You�re a Junior, right? You�re older than me. But why did mom and dad not keep you? Why� why would they give you away and never tell me about it?�
�Whoa,� she interrupted, her eyes wide, �Whoa. Hold on. Who said anything about your mom and dad giving me away?�
He frowned, knitting his dark brows together, �I don�t understand. We look� the same. We have to be related. Both my parents are only children, so I don�t have any cousins and I assumed��
�That you�re my brother?� she interrupted again.
�I�� he looked at her, the hardness in his eyes giving way to childlike confusion, �I guess��
She swallowed with difficulty. Hamilton gave her hand a squeeze and she glanced up at him, gratefully. He nodded gently, urging her on.
She turned back to Pagan. �You are my brother.�
�Then�� he looked no less confused, �then why did��
�My mom is not your mom,� she hurried to explain, �don�t you get it? We have the same dad. I asked my mom and she told me, Simon Leigh��
�No!� he exclaimed abruptly, �That can�t be right! My dad� he�d never do something like that! You can�t be� you can�t��
�But,� she said, thrown by his response, �it�s true��
�It�s not true!� He raised his voice, his eyes wide with disbelief, �Don�t tell me this� this crap about my own father! He would never do something like that, he�s been married to my mom for eighteen years and you� you can�t have a different mom! Or you�re not his son!�
�I�m sorry!� She exclaimed, �But that�s the truth! My mom wouldn�t lie to me, she told me this and it all fits! She and your dad got together the night before his wedding��
�Shut up!� yelled Pagan, staggering away from her, �It�s not true! You�re a liar! You�re lying!�
�I�m NOT!� Jake shouted, causing a few stares to swerve in her direction, �You�ve got to believe me, it�s the truth��
�Just listen!� Hamilton had to intervene, �Jake�s telling the truth, just� don�t freak out on us!�
�I don�t have to listen to anything from you two,� Pagan cried, �you�re liars and that�s everything I need to know! Just� shut up! Shut up!�
Jake and Hamilton could only watch in shocked silence as Pagan turned and fled, quickly losing himself amongst the crowd.
***
�Hallo Boston,� Lena Katina said in the lull between songs, �we are t.A.T.u.� Julia Volkova just sauntered around the stage and looked vaguely bored. Not that it made much of a difference to the audience, who were cheering so loudly that the girls� voices could hardly be heard, anyway. They launched into another song.
�So,� Michael shouted in Faye�s ear, �why did the little girl fall off the swing?�
She looked at him as if he were crazy. �What?�
�It�s a joke,� he explained loudly.
�Oh.� She shrugged, �I don�t know. Why?�
�Because she hasn�t got any arms,� he deadpanned.
It took a moment for the image to sink in before she burst into hysterics. �That�s terrible!�
�I know,� he grinned, �but everyone always laughs, anyway.�
She giggled, �You really are very strange, Michael Tan.�
�But in a good way, obviously,� he smiled back, hanging on her every word. She looked good tonight, in a simple black spaghetti-strap dress, her short platinum-coloured hair stylishly messy.
Faye shifted a little under his scrutiny, self-conscious. It was flattering that this kid was lavishing his attentions on her, but at the same time� well, it was a little weird. It was with some relief that she saw Scout, of all people, leaning by the bar and downing a glass of lemonade, looking miserable. �Excuse me,� she said to Michael, smiling apologetically, �my friend over there looks like he needs a little cheering up.�
�Sure,� Michael said, watching as she slipped through the crowd to where Scout stood.
�Hey,� she said softly as she approached. He glanced up at her, his eyes bloodshot, but before he could say anything the song finished and the crowd burst into applause, drowning out the possibility of conversation.
She looked at him inquisitively and tilted her head in the direction of the back door. He nodded, leaving his half-empty glass on the counter and following her outside.
It had been drizzling for the better part of the day. Shielded from the rain by the overhanging roof, Faye breathed in the fresh scent of wet earth and rubbed her hands briskly up and down her arms. Without a word Scout took off his jacket and gave it to her.
�Thanks,� she said, slipping the jacket over her shoulders. It smelled faintly of soap and the Calvin Klein aftershave he liked to use. For a moment she was struck by nostalgia, the memories of what once had been between them. She pushed the thoughts out of her mind.
He nodded but did not speak, leaning back against the wall. She did the same, and after a moment asked, tentatively, �What�s going on?�
He knew better than to deceive her as to what was eating away at him. And somehow, it felt like she was the only person he could tell without the possibility of breaking down. Over the last couple of days he�d gone to see the Kidsline grief counsellor � whether that did any good to him remained to be seen. He�s been walking through the days, an automaton, talking and laughing, but some part of him had been removed from all those actions, always alone and wondering. Where is she? How is she? Who is she? He wished he knew the answers.
�I�� he began, looking down at his shoes. �Halloween night. I was working at Kidsline when this� girl called.�
She nodded slightly, her gaze travelling over his withdrawn features, eyes amethyst in the diffuse light.
***
Rawley Academy
It had been a while since he kissed anyone � or was kissed � this thoroughly. Will rather enjoyed the experience. Despite the falling darkness, and the chill that was beginning to descend upon the air, Anita was warm and demanding and her fingers dug lightly into his back, the pressure of her body growing more urgent. He kissed her again, and fought back a smile when she nibbled on his lower lip. �Anita�� he murmured.
�Don�t talk,� she whispered against his mouth.
�It�s just�� he said in between kisses, �I�m confused��
�Don�t talk,� she said again, impatiently, before her lips closed over his again.
***
Boston, concert hall
The performance inside the hall seemed very far away, the sounds muted and muffled through the walls. Scout shivered slightly. The rain had not ceased at all through his narrative, and he was starting to feel the pervading damp chill.
Faye was silent for a very long time after he�d finished recounting that terrible night. She stared at the rain, droplets dangling from the edge of the roof like strings of pearls.
�I�m sorry,� she finally said, hugging his jacket more closely to her body. �I know it doesn�t help, but I�m sorry you had to go through that.�
�No,� he said quietly, �it helps.�
�Can you find out what happened to her?� she asked, �Who she is?�
He merely shook his head. She fell silent.
�Somehow�� he murmured, �somehow it wouldn�t be so bad, if I could know more. If I could know whether she�� he closed his eyes and shook his head again, �you know.�
�Yeah,� she nodded, glancing in his direction. His blue eyes was a deep sapphire colour from where she stood, and she didn�t know if it was because of the lack of light, or because the dark hollow in his heart had made it so.
�The worst part was knowing there was nothing I could do,� he looked up, his gaze aimed blankly at the distance, passing through the curtain of rain, unseeing. �Right now I don�t even know what to feel. It�s not as though I tried to stop her from doing it and failed� she called me after she took those pills. Right from the start there was nothing I could do � and somehow that makes it��
�Worse?� she supplied.
He shook his head. �Not worse. I guess that�s a relief. I wasn�t responsible for what she�d done. But it doesn�t make this any easier.�
�I don�t believe anything ever does,� she said softly, and their eyes met. He managed a small smile and she sighed, holding out her arms, �Come here.�
He looked slightly apprehensive, but relief washed over his features as she hugged him and he sank into the embrace, inhaling her familiar scent that reminded him of blackcurrants and snowy days. He knew it was a hug and not intended to be more, but he didn�t care at this point. He just needed someone to lean on. And inside her arms he felt as though, for the first time since that fateful night, things were starting to slip back into place.
***
�Thank you,� said Lena Katina curtly, after they�d finished another song and the crowd roared their approval. �The next song is �Stars�.�
She waited a moment before she began to sing, accompanied only by a gentle swell of keyboard synth.
How did we ever go this far?
You touched my hand and start the car
And for the first time in my life, I�m crying
Are we in space? Do we belong
some place where no one calls it wrong
And like the stars we burn away
the miles
The crowd fell quiet, mesmerized by the simple melody. Josh, at the side of the stage and leaning against the security railing, cast his eyes downward. The gently alternating stage lights illuminated his profile, playing over his dark lashes.
The rhythm section kicked in before Julia Volkova started to rap in Russian, and he stirred slightly at the unfamiliar string of sounds. Somehow it made the evening seem even more unreal � it made the entire past few days seem unreal. Perhaps it had been a dream, all of it, a delusion filled with ecstasy and pain alike. That delirious night, the molten core of desire, the raw fulfilment of finally being with Ryder � in all senses possible of the word � only to wake up knowing it had all dissipated, dashed away by the cold autumn wind.
If he could go back in time, if he could see into the future, would he still choose this path?
He closed his eyes, stood very still and tried to listen to his own breathing, trying to convince himself that this was still a life, the only life he had, not a mirage, not a reverie or nightmare. Faintly, he could feel the beating of his heart echoing from within, his body an empty chamber. The warm air that surrounded him felt fluid and resistant, like water.
Then, a familiar certainly settled over him, the feeling of being watched and knowing exactly who it was that watched him. It was by no means the first time that this had happened, though he was always at a loss when he tried to explain it. He opened his eyes.
How did we ever get this far?
It shouldn't have to be this hard
Now for the first time in my life, I�m flying
Ryder stood near one of the doors, his hands in his pockets. His chin was shadowed with stubble, and in the faint light, the sleepless imprints under his eyes looked bruise-blue.
He�d been watching Josh for a while now, half concealed by the shifting throngs of people between them; but suddenly Josh had looked up and caught him by surprise. The moment their eyes met, Ryder felt as though a small capsule of acid had burst in the pit of his stomach.
He watched, his mind blank, his body frozen, as Josh began to walk toward him, slipping through the crowds like an entity made of equal parts water and air.
Are we in love? Do we deserve
to bear the shame of this whole world?
And like the night we camouflage denial
They never broke their eye contact during the whole time, trying to read each other�s expressions and finding nothing there that could be easily discerned. Every emotion was entrenched and intertwined and could not be extracted as single entities � like Ryder said, not so very long ago, there was no word for the bonds that ran between them, the word that would take the meanings of �love� and �hate�, break them apart, and meld them back together in an altogether different configuration.
Josh came to a stop in front of Ryder, and they were silent.
After an eternity, where the music behind them flowed on, where foreign words filled the space between them like smoke, where they remained still and quiet, it was Ryder who looked away first.
�I was drunk,� he said, his voice low and strained.
Josh�s jaw clenched involuntarily. It felt as though in saying those words � or in choosing not to say anything else � Ryder had reached out and punctured a hole in his chest, wrapped his fingers around his still-beating heart, and squeezed.
So this was how it was going to be.
To be truthful he�d never expected anything better, but somewhere deep within him there was always a small hope, a flame not extinguished, a childish idea that someday, they could still reach perfection together. As he inhaled and exhaled he could feel that single hope, the last hope, disintegrating inside him like a castle built from ashes. His heart was dry ice.
�You know what your problem is?� he asked softly.
Ryder looked back at him. The expression in his eyes was tired and lifeless, a tide of blank grey.
�It�s not about being gay.� It took every ounce of control in Josh�s body to keep his voice from trembling, �I think you try to convince yourself and everyone else it�s about that, but it�s not. It�s about you. It�s always been about you, being too scared to even admit there could be something out there� something that could be worth all this.�
Ryder looked down, unable to meet the other boy�s gaze. �I�� he said, his throat dry, �I can�t.�
Josh�s eyes grew bright with tears. �No,� he whispered, �you won�t.�
How did we ever go this far?
You touched my hand and start the car
And for the first time in my life, I�m crying
Are we in love? Do we deserve
to bear the shame of this whole world
And like the night we camouflage denial
Without another word Ryder turned from him, pushing past the people at the door and striding out into the night, quickly disappearing into the misty shroud of swirling rain.
Behind him, Josh stood very still. The coloured stage lights played over his hair, for a moment dousing him in painful indigo. He bit down on his lower lip, so hard that he could almost taste the coppery tang of blood. The music played on.
No, he won�t let the sobs escape. Not here, not now. But try as he might he couldn�t stop the single tear that fell, shining, crystalline, carving a lonesome path against his pale cheek.
Part Six
The Gas Station
The new day was dismal, to say the least. The sky, though, wasn�t dark in the way that people had come to associate with rainy weather; instead it was a lank wash of extraordinarily pale grey, which � almost but not quite � hurt the eyes to look at. Fine rain had been falling steadily since morning.
Once again Will traipsed the corridors of the girls� dorms, a small bounce in his step. Upon reaching the common room, he paused for a moment outside the door, concealing himself from view. He could hear voices within: the girls were just wrapping up their English lesson.
�If Claudius didn�t kill his father,� he heard Maria say, �if all those terrible things didn�t happen� maybe they would have been happy together.�
There was a pause. �I don�t think so,� Anita finally answered, �I doubt Hamlet ever really loved Ophelia. He may have liked her, and he definitely used her; but I don�t think it was ever going to be a successful, happy marriage. All the men in her life, Laertes, Polonius, Hamlet� they�ve all got strong personalities. She had always been caught between these three men who�ve got their own agendas to work through. She was just dragged along for the ride.�
�I guess,� said Maria, sounding a little unsure.
Will stepped into the doorway at that moment. �Nice dissertation, Anita,� he grinned.
�I thought it was,� Anita answered lightly, standing up and pocketing the cash that Maria handed her. �I�ve gotta go. See you guys later.�
�Wait,� he said, tossing a small apologetic smile in Maria�s direction, �we just have to talk for a sec. About tutoring.�
�Sure,� Maria said, putting away her English texts and taking out her philosophy ones. She gave a slight roll of the eyes at the last part of Will�s excuse, but he didn�t notice. He motioned for Anita to follow him out into the hall and she obliged, looking impatient.
�Well,� he said once they were out of common room earshot, smiling fondly at her, �you wanna, um, go out later?�
�What are you talking about,� she muttered, stuffing her books into her backpack, not bothering to make the phrase into a question.
He blinked. �Anita, I thought after last night��
�Look,� she interrupted, irritated, �just because we kissed doesn�t mean we have to date.�
�But,� he was taken aback, �I want to. I mean, I want to get to know you better.�
�Yeah, well,� she shrugged, casting a cursory glance over his wide and uncomprehending eyes, �I�m not really into that right now. We had fun last night, right? That�s cool. Maybe we can do it some other time. I�ve gotta run, see you.�
�Anita�� he barely had time to say her name before she brushed past him, striding purposively down the hall.
***
Rawley Academy
�Thanks for volunteering to drop me off,� Scout said to Faye as they headed toward the parking lot, �you didn�t have to.�
�Meh,� she shrugged as they walked up to her car, �I was going clothes shopping anyway. Why bus to Carson when I can drive both of us? How is the grief counselling going, anyway?�
�It�s good to talk to someone about it,� he acknowledged, waiting for her to unlock the door before he slid in. �It helps.�
�So the counsellor becomes the counsellee, eh?� she cast a sideways glance at him as she started the engine.
He chuckled softly. �Something like that.�
She was quiet for a while as they pulled out of the parking lot, heading toward the school gates. �When do you go back to Kidsline?�
�I haven�t decided if I want to go back, yet,� he answered quietly.
She nodded. After a moment spent staring intently at the slick road, she murmured, �You�re a good person, Scout. I hope you know that.�
He smiled but remained silent, turning his head to look out the window, the scenery rushing past in a haze of light rain.
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, common room
Tired of pondering over her current predicament, Jake took up Hamilton�s offer of a video game tournament. As they entered the common room, they could see that it was crowded with boys having nothing to do, trapped inside by the dreary weather. The video game corner, in particular, was packed with guys queuing up for a turn at the controllers, and they shook their heads at each other.
Before they could turn and go back into the hallway, however, Michael accosted them. �Hey,� he said, �can I talk to you guys for a second?�
�Sure,� said Hamilton. Jake glanced at him wearily before asking, �Is this� about Pagan?�
Michael nodded as they walked out into the hall. �Yeah,� he said, �I just thought� you guys might want to ease off. He�s sorta freaking out.�
�We�re not pushing him,� Jake said heatedly, �he was the one who asked us all those questions last night, and he was the one who went postal on us.�
�Yeah�� Michael said, �about that. Look, I don�t want to get into the middle of this, because it�s none of my business; but you guys are screwing with his head.�
�We�re screwing with his head?� Jake laughed incredulously. �Listen to me. We are trying to explain to him what�s going on��
�I can see that,� he interrupted, �but do you actually understand what you�re saying to him?�
Hamilton furrowed his brows, �What did he say to you, Michael?�
�That you,� Michael looked at Jake pointedly, �alleged that you two have the same dad.�
�We do have the same dad!� Jake cried, �Look, can you tell him I�m not trying to steal his dad, or whatever it is that he�s freaking over? I just want him to know the truth� he asked for the truth.�
�He�s not afraid you�re gonna steal his dad,� Michael shook his head with a vague look of exasperation, �don�t you understand?�
�Yeah,� Jake sighed, �he doesn�t want me in his life, I get it.�
�No,� he said in a low voice, �you obviously don�t.�
Jake looked stung. Hamilton, however, exhaled heavily and said, �I think I do.�
She glanced at him, surprise written all over her face. He caught her gaze, and tried to smile at her consolingly before he continued, �Jake, you didn�t grow up in an ordinary family. You don�t know what it�s like to� to find out a parent�s been unfaithful, after all these years.�
It seemed as though a light had suddenly been flicked on behind Jake�s eyes, and she bit her lip as she gazed inquisitively at Hamilton. He nodded and sighed, �So you see what this is doing to him? You�re telling him his dad cheated on his mom� that he had a kid, seventeen years ago, without his family knowing anything about it.�
�I don�t think his dad knows about me, either,� she replied softly.
�It makes no difference,� Michael answered grimly. �What matters is who you are, and that�s enough.�
Jake fell silent, looking from one boy to the other, then back again. �So,� she said in a small, quavering voice, �what do I do?�
Hamilton, sensing the quiet desperation in her voice, took her hand that hung cold and damp at her side.
�If you care about him at all,� said Michael before he shrugged and looked down at his feet, �I mean, I don�t know if you do, since you�re strangers��
�He�s my brother,� Jake corrected, staring blankly at the wall behind him.
�He�s a brother who�s a stranger,� he continued without missing a beat. �And you have no obligation to keep him happy. I�m just saying, if you care about him, then you won�t try to press this further. That�s all I can think of.�
�But�� she blinked, �I�ll never know him.�
�That�s not up to you.� Michael shook his head, gravely, something like pity deep within his eyes.
*Will�s voiceover starts*
�I said that fear occupies the space between an event and its consequence, and I believe it to be true. It wouldn�t be so bad after the consequences have set in, because at least you know what�s coming and what you can do to deal with it; but when you�re caught in the aftermath, not sure where to turn and what can still happen � that�s the worst place of all. That�s when you search for all the possible outcomes and yet are never sure of what you�ll get; it�s the place where you�re still allowed to hope for the best, but more often than not, it is at the cost of your own bitter disappointment.�
***
The Gas Station
David pressed the stop button on the CD player and grinned at Josh, �I think this song is it.�
Josh smiled back, but his eyes were vacant. �I�m glad you chose that one,� he said simply.
�The music video will be beautiful,� Bella said enthusiastically. �So when do you start shooting, David?�
�I�ll get together later with the others to talk ideas,� he answered, �and hopefully we can get something started early next week.�
�Can I watch?� she asked, �Can Josh watch?�
�Maybe you guys could even be in it,� David suggested, �the band. Just a few shots here and there. I mean, if you guys want to use this clip for a media package, maybe it�ll be good to get your faces in there.�
�Really?� Bella squealed, �That�s awesome! I can�t wait!�
�That does sound really good, David. It�ll be great.� Josh smiled again and fleetingly, even looked grateful. But the moment passed and his eyes went opaque again, as though his soul had withdrawn into itself, leaving behind only an automated skin. �Anyway,� he said, not bothering to glance at the weather outside, �I should go.�
�You sure?� Bella asked doubtfully, �You�re welcome to stay. Wait out the rain. Or at least borrow an umbrella or something.�
He shook his head. �It�s okay. I like to stay out in the rain once in a while.�
�Okay�� she said slowly as she walked him to the door. �Josh?�
�Yeah,� he answered, sounding not at all interested in what she was going to say, as though it wasn�t he who was being addressed but somebody else altogether. Somebody who still belonged in this life of boarding schools and small towns, music videos and media packages.
�Are you okay?� she asked, touching his forearm gently. Even through his shirtsleeve she felt forlorn coldness rising from him, as though his skin was made from ice.
*Red Hot Chili Peppers� �Don�t Forget Me� plays*
He raised his blank eyes to hers, and did not answer in any way that she could recognise. But, much later, when she looked upon this day in hindsight, perhaps his lack of an answer was answer enough.
�Bye,� he merely murmured, striding out of the gas station and into the rain.
***
Rawley Academy, docks
I'm an ocean, in your bedroom
Make you feel warm, make you wanna reassume
Now we know it all for sure
I'm a dance hall, dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
Ryder stood at the edge of the docks, looking out over the water. The rain kept falling, individual drops hitting the surface of the lake and sending out discrete swells, which were perfectly circular until they expanded into other equally flawless ripples, drawing lines of interference through the murky water.
He fingered a smooth pebble in his pocket, one that he�d picked up earlier. It was round, flat, perfect for skipping. It was a pastime he had long since abandoned, and one that he thought about reverting back to. There was something soothing about hurling something hard and foreign onto a compliant surface, trying to see how long you could keep it afloat. He thought it a good analogy to life and, in thinking that, the concept possibly said more about him than it in fact did about life.
He ran the tip of his finger over the stone, relishing its almost velveteen feel, before he took a step back and flung it over the water. The pebble skipped, once, twice, thrice into the distance. It was still skipping when it faded out of sight, consumed by the grey mist of rain that surrounded him. A freezing wind swirled around him and he shivered, suddenly aware of how very drenched he had become.
But he remained where he was, his hand in his pockets, staring into the unseen distance.
I'm a meth lab, first rehab
Take it all off and step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way
I'm the rainbow, in your jail cell
All the memories of everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
Josh paused on the sidewalk and, without really thinking about it, strode to the centre of Main Street, raising his face to the sky. The rain was growing heavier now, and in a matter of moments icy liquid was streaming down his face. Somehow, it felt fitting. It felt symbolic, that tears would descend from heaven and not from within. He doubted he had any tears in him, not anymore. There was a time and a place for weeping, and if you had somehow missed that window, by force of will or by some other circumstance, the tears would dry up and there would be no more to be shed. It was the arid kind of desolation that was hardest to bear.
The rain pelted down. The world was incessantly monochrome. There was no traffic, no trace of human activity. He felt like the only person alive in this ghost of a town.
So, don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again, get me excited
***
You know what your problem is? It�s not about being gay. I think you try to convince yourself and everyone else it�s about that, but it�s not. It�s about you. It�s always been about you, being too scared to even admit there could be something out there� something that could be worth all this.
The words ran through Ryder�s mind, over and over and over like a tape loop, until it was all he could do not to cry out and cover his ears. Even then, the words kept coming, as though they�ve been stencilled into his brain with acid, as though they�ve been carved into his bones. He clutched his head in hopes that, if he squeezed just hard enough, there will be no room left for thoughts at all.
Yet the voice remained, singular, persistent, pushing through his consciousness until he was sure he would go mad.
I'm an inbred, and a pothead
Two legs that you spread inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure
I could show you to the free field
Overcome and more will always be revealed
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
Josh looked up and saw the gates of the school looming before him. The buildings were transformed by the rain, enshrouded, mysterious, like some dark castle in which gothic tales were spun.
He was again struck by the sense of weightlessness, of being lost outside of space-time. It seemed possible, then, to disappear into the mist, to simply break apart into a million raindrops and be consumed by the earth. He even waited, for a moment or two, standing in front of those wrought-iron gates and trying to communicate to the powers above that he was ready to be taken, ready to be shattered into oblivion. In many ways, it must have been a better course than to keep going on. It had to be.
But he remained, whole, human, imperfect and alone. Slowly, he curled his left hand into a fist. His fingers were numb from the cold and he couldn�t feel them. It didn�t seem to matter. He walked on.
Falling
Don't forget me, I can't hide it
Come again get me excited
Oh
Don't forget me I can't hide it
There's a match now let me light it
The words were still there, as though Josh was standing right in front of him, his aquamarine eyes brilliant with anguished fury. There was no erasing that voice imprinted on his mind, no way of making it go away. Ryder closed his eyes and lifted up his head, feeling the rain come down.
It washed over his face, and he wondered if it could wash away the pain that was seeping through him, like slow-acting poison. Poison that the past few days have brought to the surface, the self-doubt and the tenderness, the memory of Josh�s smile as he lay sleeping. He just wanted to go back to how it was. To be blank and unforgiving and cleansed of this new vulnerability. Water kept running down his face but he stopped himself from thinking about it, stopped thinking that maybe it wasn�t solely the rain anymore, because the liquid felt strangely warm as it dashed past his cheeks and the traces on his lips tasted of salt�
I'm the bloodstain on your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all
For sure
A familiar sensation ran through Ryder, like lightning in his bloodstream. It had happened enough times before for him to know exactly what it was. He half-turned, looking toward the shore.
Josh stood at the edge of the lake, where the bank met the wooden planks of the docks, and he looked back.
Make the hair stand up on your arm
Teach you how to dance inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you wanna go
As they stood there, staring into each other�s eyes, the rain ceased to matter. The world would have ceased to matter, if it really came to that, because this connection � this thing they were locked into, this bond they had always been unable to snap completely � it wasn�t a physical one. It never was. As they looked across the distance between them, past each other�s rain-soaked forms and slick, pale faces, they felt between them the entire range of connotations that word could have brought, the word that Ryder had tried to vocalise once upon a time. Love hate betrayal, ecstasy agony denial, they embodied all and none of those things to each other, and that would be the case always. The unspeakable word, the word passed over in silence, was as true to them now as it was five years ago; it would be true in the days and months and years to come. Raindrops hung between them like lengths of silver wire, and beneath their feet the lake swelled impatiently, a sombre grey-green, like the shade that may have resulted if one took the colours of both their eyes and melded them together.
It may have been a happy ending, of a sort, if they could have stayed like that forever, as though trapped in ice or amber, caught in the other�s gaze, distanced but never too far apart.
But time did not stop. No catastrophe rose to claim them, nothing that would inexplicably throw them together and keep them that way. They remained there, a frozen distance between them, and to cross it would have been like crossing an ocean.
I'll be there and tell me when you wanna go
Come on then and tell me when you wanna go
More will be revealed my friend�
Finally, Josh lowered his eyes and turned away, beginning to walk toward the dormitory. Ryder stared after him, watching the other boy�s fragile form fading into the rain.
