Author's note: I understand Scout�s storyline could be disturbing to some people, and for that I apologise. It is based on a true story that happened to one of my colleagues a few years back.
Part 1
Teaser
The days were getting shorter. The deciduous trees in the town of New Rawley burst forth with blazing arrays of colour: red, gold, amber; vivid contrasts to the sky overhead, which looked as clear and soft as cerulean gauze.
Bella Banks and Sean McGrail sat in their favourite booth at the diner � the one in the corner by the plate glass windows � enjoying the quiet small-town afternoon. School was out, their moods were light� it was definitely a good time for ice cream sundaes.
�Have you had any funny calls yet?� Sean asked as he licked his spoon.
Bella stirred her ice cream, trying to crush it into the texture she liked � soft and semi-slushy. �What do you mean, funny calls?�
He shrugged, �You know, like prank calls or really screwed-up kids. For Kidsline,� he added as an afterthought.
�Yeah, I kinda got that part,� she laughed. They both worked as part-time volunteers for a phone counselling service in Carson, which involved taking calls from troubled children and adolescents a few hours each week. �I had a few prank calls,� she said, �like our trainer warned us. This kid rang up and said, of all things, �I got raped by my uncle�. And just as I started to panic, she burst into giggles and hung up.�
�Kids.� He shook his head incredulously, �It always amazes me how cold-blooded they can be.�
�That one aside,� she took a bite of ice cream, �Most of my real calls were about bullies at school, things like that.�
�That�s about right,� he agreed, shaking his head. �Adults think kids are so cute and wonderful, but honestly, after one shift at Kidsline� you realise they�ve all got black holes where their hearts should be.�
�Maybe you don�t actually grow a heart until you hit puberty,� she giggled.
�Who are you talking about?� asked Scout Calhoun, who had just slipped in the door. He plonked himself down beside Bella, stretching his legs out under the Formica table.
�Some of the Kidsline calls we�ve been getting,� Sean told him.
�Hey,� Scout looked a little apprehensive, �you guys know we�re not supposed to be talking about our calls outside of the job. It�s all supposed to be confidential, remember?�
�Chill out, man,� Sean grinned, �no one�s listening.�
�Yeah, well�� Scout didn�t look convinced, �I still don�t think you should do it.�
�Seriously,� Sean smirked, �just chill. It�s not like we�re passing out federal secrets.�
Scout shrugged, �It just doesn�t feel right to talk about what these kids are saying to you in private, that�s all.�
Sean looked like he was about to reply, but Bella changed the subject. �What are you up to?� she asked Scout brightly, preferring not to get into the middle of a petty argument.
�You know Rawley�s Halloween Masquerade Ball is coming up,� he grinned, �do you wanna go?�
�You mean, as your date?� Sean asked suspiciously.
Scout held up his hands, �A strictly friends thing, I promise. I just thought you might�ve wanted to go, and I know Will�s taking Maria, so��
�Will�s taking Maria?� Bella asked, a little thrown, �Are they� together now?�
Scout shrugged, �Not as far as I can tell. Not yet, anyway. So, wanna go?�
�Food, dancing, a fancy dress�� she grinned, �why should I turn it down?�
�Great!� he beamed and jumped up, �Gotta run. I�ve got a shift at the salon.�
�How�s life as a cleaning boy?� she asked mischievously.
�Not bad,� he laughed as he strode out of the diner, �not bad at all.�
She giggled, turning back to Sean. But the look on his face stopped her short, �What�s wrong?�
�Bella�� he said hesitantly, �what does it mean, exactly, that you�re going with Scout?�
�You heard him,� she replied, �we�re just going as friends.�
�Yeah�� he said slowly, �but what about us?�
She furrowed her brows, �What about us?�
he reminded her, �We� held hands.�
She looked at him, a small frown creasing her forehead. �Sean,� she said, biting her lip, �I didn�t think it meant��
�What, you just hold any random guy�s hand as you go off to sleep?� he leaned back and folded his arms.
�Of course not,� she said, �I just meant � I didn�t think it was a big deal.�
�Fine,� he said gruffly, �I understand what you�re trying to say.�
�No,� she looked pained, �don�t do this. I wasn�t brushing you off. We�re pals.�
�Yeah, whatever,� he said, �but I don�t see you agreeing to go to a dance with me.�
�That�s because you haven�t asked!� she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. �Believe me, if I agreed to going to a dance with Scout, I wouldn�t refuse to go to one with you.�
�In that case,� he said, brightening, �Joe�s annual winter party is coming up in a few weeks, you wanna be my date for that?�
�Sure,� she said cheerfully. �See, I wasn�t favouring anyone. We�re all friends, Sean. Don�t think I�m leaving you out of things.�
He sighed under his breath, sneaking a peek at her carefree face. Weren�t girls supposed to be sensitive about things like this? Then again, Bella always was a special case.
Part Two
*Theme song and opening credits*
Rawley Academy
It was Ball season again, as could be seen by the numerous banners strung across the buildings, flapping slightly in the breeze. In a riot of orange and black the banners announced that the annual Halloween Masquerade Ball was to be held in the usual venue, the Rawley Main Hall, and that high school band Amnesia have been invited to play.
*Jake�s voiceover begins*
�I�m going to tell you a story about the end of the world. The end of many worlds, actually. Maybe you�ll think I�m being melodramatic, and that�s okay � you�re not me and I guess everyone has to judge when their own little apocalypse comes, whether you find it gripping you as you wake up gasping in the night, or some other way. The possibilities of how it could happen are too many to count, but I�m going to try and recount some of them here, anyway. Please bear with me.�
�Maria, hey, Maria!� called Will Krudski, breaking into a jog after the pretty Japanese girl who�d just walked out of class.
Maria Ishizuka turned around, breaking into a smile as she caught sight of him, �Is chasing girls your exercise of choice?�
"Of course,� he grinned, falling into step beside her. �I just wanted to check with you about the Ball. What colour corsage do you want?�
�I�m wearing orange with blue accessories,� she said cheerfully, �so unless you could find an orange or a bright blue flower, I say don�t bother with a corsage.�
He blinked. �Orange?�
�A short orange satin dress, to be exact,� she winked. �What? You expected any less from me just because I�m not multi-pierced girl anymore? I�m disappointed in you, Will.�
�Okay, okay,� he laughed, holding up his hands, �my bad. So what time should I pick you up?�
�Eight thirty?� she suggested, �Should give us a fashionably late entrance without actually missing out on any fun.�
�Sounds good to me.� He smiled at her, �I�m looking forward to this, Maria.�
�Me too,� she grinned at him, the barest hint of a blush colouring her cheeks, �me too.�
�Well,� he said, suddenly a little self-conscious, �I�ll see ya.�
�Bye,� she said just as awkwardly, and they split in different directions. Though, Will couldn�t help glancing back, smiling to himself in the bemused way that he�d come to be familiar with lately.
�Don�t walk around grinning to yourself, you idiot,� a crisp female voice rang out beside him, laced with a hint of amusement, �people will think you�re on something.�
�Anita,� he mock-sighed, turning to face she who sneaked upon him unawares, �my regular breath of fresh air.�
�You know it,� Anita Simons smiled briskly, giving him a quick once-over. �Going to the Ball with our student, I see.�
They were both tutors for Maria, who wanted extra help in English and Philosophy. Will smirked, �And what about you? I suppose you�ve got your chunk of meat all lined up for the slaughterhouse.�
�Ooh,� she pretended to gasp in surprise, �Willie Krudski gets cheeky. Whatever shall I do?�
He grinned, beginning to walk toward the dining hall. She matched his footsteps, and after a moment�s silence said, �I�m not going.�
He glanced at her, surprised. �Why not?�
�How quickly they forget,� she rolled her eyes. �Honestly, Will. Remember our little talk last time? Remember what I said about�� she glanced around surreptitiously before continuing, �my dad�s company?�
�News flash, Anita,� he replied, �the Ball is free. You don�t need to buy a ticket, you just turn up.�
�Poor deluded males,� she shook her head. �I know the Ball is free, I�ve been going to this school longer than you have. But you just need to wash, shave and throw on your dad�s old suit. Girls, on the other hand, need their hair done, their make-up done, they need facials, manicures, pedicures� and more importantly, a gown and jewellery to match.�
�You�re telling me you don�t have a dress,� he stared at her incredulously. �Come on, Anita, how many Balls have you gone to in this lifetime now? Surely you can recycle one of them for this occasion.�
�Who do I look like, Marge Simpson?� she snorted. �You can�t just recycle ball gowns at Rawley. The girls will tear you to pieces. Ditto with jewellery. You just don�t understand.�
He shook his head, �You�re right, I don�t. It sounds crazy to me.�
�Welcome to my world.� She sighed, the barbed humour slipping from her voice, leaving only weariness in its place.
�Hey,� he said conspiratorially, trying to cheer her up, �you wanna know a secret? My dad doesn�t even own an old suit I can throw on. I have to borrow Finn�s whenever one of these dances come up.�
�Really?� she looked up with a smirk.
�I won�t tell if you won�t,� he winked. There was a sudden constriction in his chest as she grinned in response, the corners of her dark eyes crinkling, and he hastily glanced away, feeling his cheeks grow warm.
***
Rawley Academy, library
�Okay,� Michael Tan leaned over the table and said in a stage whisper, �we�ve got a problem.�
It took Pagan Leigh a few moments to disengage himself from the Terry Pratchett book in his lap. �Huh? Were you saying something?�
�Earth to tie-dye boy,� Michael sighed, eyeing the shirt that Pagan was wearing. �Do you have to wear that? I know your mom�s a hippy or something, but we�ve got to get you some decent clothes. I feel like gauging my eyes out every time I see it.�
�I know,� Pagan smiled serenely, �that�s why I keep wearing it. Now what�s the problem?�
�Right.� Leaning in even closer, Michael whispered, �A dance�s coming up.�
Pagan blinked. �So?�
�So, we�ve got to get dates!� Michael replied, looking panicked, �Jokes aside, Pagan, do you actually know any girls at this school? Cos I sure as hell don�t.�
�I was home schooled, remember?� the corner of Pagan�s mouth twitched in amusement, �I know maybe one girl on the entire face of the earth. But I don�t get why you�re so worried. Just go by yourself.�
�Easy for you to say,� Michael hissed, �you�re what? Five feet nine? If you got rid of your hippy clothes and got your nose out of that book long enough to ask someone, I�m thinkin� she�ll say yes. What about me? No girl in her right mind would go with some short Chinese geek with glasses.�
�Don�t be too hard on yourself,� Pagan murmured, glancing longingly at his book.
�Focus, Pagan,� Michael snapped his fingers in the other boy�s face, �we�ve got a real dilemma here.�
�Well, I�m not going, so the dilemma�s all yours,� shrugged Pagan, running his finger down the page to where he left off.
�You can�t do that!� Michael exclaimed, horrified. A few students nearby gave him reproachful looks and he lowered his voice, whispering urgently, �You can�t desert me! Why aren�t you going?�
Pagan shrugged again, �Not interested.�
Michael took a deep breath. �Pagan, listen to me. If you want to live as a recluse, then why the hell did you come to boarding school in the first place? This is the chance for you to get out and meet some people! Your book can wait,� he slapped his hand over the page, �I think it�s time to acquire some social skills, buddy.�
Pagan pushed the other boy�s hand away and shut the book with a resigned sigh. �All right, all right,� he said, �I know I�m not going to hear the end of this until I agree, so I�m just going to spare myself the trouble. I�ll go.�
�A wise decision.� Michael sat back, a triumphant gleam in his eyes. �Now, about girls��
�Is it two o�clock already?� Pagan exclaimed as he caught sight of the clock. �I�m going to be late to English. Talk to you later,� he said hurriedly as he jumped up and strode hurriedly out of the library.
Michael sighed and turned back to his AP maths homework. A moment later, he felt someone lay a hand on his shoulder. �Did you forget something?� he asked as he looked up.
�No,� Hamilton Fleming said with a frown, �should I have?�
�Sorry,� Michael smiled, �I thought you were someone else.�
�Oh.� Hamilton sat down, dumping an encyclopaedia on the table. �I have to do some research for science,� he made a face, �and saw you sitting here. Thought I�d say hi. How�ve you been?�
�Decent,� Michael answered, �you?�
Hamilton shrugged, �Okay.�
�Hey�� Michael hesitated, �you know last time, when we were talking and that guy came around the corner��
�That�s Jake,� Hamilton said, and after a pause added, �� my boyfriend. What about him?�
�You�re�� Michael looked taken aback, �I mean, you guys��
Hamilton spread his hands with a small grin. �Yup,� he said, with the slightest trace of irony in his voice, �out of the closet.�
�Okay�� Michael said slowly, trying to get his head around the fact. Suddenly someone jostled him from behind, and he rocked forward on his chair. �Whoa!�
�Get out of my way,� Ryder Forrest said unceremoniously, pushing past Michael�s chair and a couple of other students, evidently not caring who he elbowed on the way. He paused at the borrowing desk to check out a book before leaving, lighting up a cigarette as he walked out of the doors.
�Jerk-off,� muttered Hamilton, turning back to his books.
�Is that Ryder Forrest?� Michael asked, wide-eyed, �I�ve heard horror stories about him. Does he really string kids along until they cry in public?�
�That, and worse,� Hamilton said darkly. �He�s the nastiest person I know. I can�t understand how anyone can actually like him.�
***
Edmund High
�Oh, my god!� squealed a girl as she met up with her friends in the cafeteria, �That hot blond English guy from Rawley asked me to the Halloween Ball!�
A slew of excited shrieks ensued as the girl�s friends flocked around and begged for details. Bella and Sean, overhearing, could not help rolling their eyes. Although the name �Ryder Forrest� equalled bad news in this town, there always existed a large band of girls drawn to his bad boy reputation, not to mention his English accent, shiny black Porsche and ruffled good looks.
�I wonder if she knows once she goes out with him, she�s past her use-by date,� Sean whispered to Bella.
She shrugged, swallowing a bite of sandwich before answering, �Not our problem if stupid girls want to go out with him.�
�How�s Grace?� he asked, before he flushed crimson and added, �I didn�t mean� you know� I just wanted to know how she�s doing since she went out with Ryder��
�Relax,� she laughed. �Although I love her, I�ll be the first to admit Grace isn�t the brightest kid in the world. She�s all right. Definitely sworn off Ryder after that prom fiasco last year.�
A tiny muscle in Sean�s jaw jumped at the mention of the Rawley prom. Shaking his head slightly as though to get rid of some unwelcome thought, he said, �Speaking of, you excited about the dance?�
�I have to talk to Jake first,� she took another bite, �and I guess I�ll go to the costume shop in Carson again to hire a dress. I�m a little nervous about the date, though.�
�I thought it was a friends thing,� he commented, sneaking a peek at her.
�It is, it is.� She hurried to clarify the relationship between her and Scout, �but I was just wondering if it�ll be weird, with Faye there and everything.�
***
Faye and Paige�s room
�Why should I care?� Faye Archer said blithely, emerging from behind the closet to reveal her outfit for the Ball, a simple black silk shift reminiscent of Breakfast at Tiffany�s Hepburn.
�Diamond bracelet,� Josh Sutherland said immediately, scrutinising the outfit, �and the teardrop earrings. But leave out the necklace � it�ll clutter up the outfit.� He leaned back on her blow-up armchair and hugged his knees to his chest. �Come on, Faye, we both know you�re not over him.�
�It�s not my concern who he takes or does not take,� she insisted, trying on her bracelet obediently. �We�re not together anymore. And frankly, with the way he�d been acting during the summer, I�m glad of it too.�
�My guess is that he�ll try and win you back,� he predicted with a smile.
�So, what�s going on with your life?� she fished around her jewellery box for the recommended diamond earrings and changed the topic, not bothering to be discreet about it.
He smiled knowingly but did not push the subject. �Actually, here�s an interesting development: we sacked our band manager.�
�The guy who was trying to control everybody?� she asked, holding the earrings up to her face and evaluating the effect in the mirror. �Good riddance.�
�Yeah, well�� he shrugged, �now we�re left without a manager. And we�re at a stage where we�re starting to need representation.�
�I could do it,� she glanced at his reflection.
He eyed her dubiously. �I thought about you, actually.�
�But�� she continued, raising an eyebrow.
He grinned. �But the music scene � I mean behind the scenes � I don�t think it�s right for you. It�s too fake and too commercial, you�ll just get frustrated and bite some client�s head off when we least need it.�
�Thanks for having so much confidence in me,� she teased, not too offended. �But I guess it�s a fair call. Hey,� her eyes lit up, �why don�t you ask Ryder to do it? He�d be perfect.�
He looked pained, �I thought of that too. But given present circumstances�� his cellphone rang, and he fished it out of his pocket as he spoke, �it�ll be a little awkward if we have to spend so much time together. Hello?� he said into the receiver.
She nodded sympathetically and turned back to the mirror.
�What do you mean, you can�t find him?� Josh demanded into the phone, sitting up straight, �where did you last see him?�
The person on the other side said something, and he heaved a huge sigh, standing up and beginning to pace around the room. �Three days ago? Was he drunk? Was he high? God, I�m going to kill him!�
The other person answered, and he swore under his breath. �Well� keep trying to get hold of him. We still have two days. And if you don�t find him�� he shook his head, �I don�t know. I really don�t know. Let�s work that out when it comes to that. Okay, bye.� He clicked the phone shut.
�What�s that about?� Faye asked, watching him in the mirror, her expression tinged with concern.
He banged his head against the wall, �They lost Ben.�
�Lost him?� she repeated. Ben was the rhythm guitarist for Amnesia, Josh�s band. They�ve been having problems with him for a while, pulling disappearing tricks on his bandmates and failing to turn up for rehearsals.
�The Ball is two days away,� Josh said wearily, �and he could be dead in a gutter for all we know. God, he�s so irresponsible!�
�Calm down,� she laid a hand on his arm, �He�ll show up on time.�
�He�d better,� he muttered darkly.
***
The Gas Station
Bella looked up from her work with a smile when she heard the distinct rumble of Jake Pratt�s motorcycle gliding into the garage. Setting down her tools, she walked toward her friend, �Hey!�
�Hey yourself,� Jake replied, taking off her helmet. �You wanted to talk to me?�
�Yeah,� Bella sat down beside the gas pumps, �what are you doing for the Halloween Ball?� She glanced around and lowered her voice, �Are you going as a girl again?�
Jake shook her head with a regretful smile, �We thought about it, but no. It�s too risky with all the guys from REACH there. Plus, people might get suspicious if I get �sick� for the Halloween Ball two years in a row.�
�That�s a shame,� Bella sympathised. �But you�re still going, right?�
�Yup,� Jake said cheerfully, leaning on the bike�s handlebars, �doing my part for gay pride at major Rawley events.�
�Good to know,� Bella laughed. �But hey, you wanna come to the costume shop with me anyway? I need to pick up a dress and I want your valued opinion.�
�Why, Miss Bella,� Jake pretended to rise up gallantly, �I�m flattered. Wanna go now?�
Bella shrugged, �Why not?�
Grinning, Jake tossed her the extra helmet. Bella clambered onto the back of the bike, grabbing her friend by the waist. The engine roared to life and they sailed out of the gas station, leaving a trail of laughter behind them.
Part Three
Rawley Academy
Hamilton was just heading toward Jake�s room when he saw her walking up ahead. He furrowed his brows: didn�t she say she was going to visit Bella? And what was she doing wearing that weird fringed shirt? �Jake,� he called, but she acted as though she didn�t hear him.
�Jake!� he called again, louder this time. She didn�t heed his voice, striding quickly ahead and turning the corner into the main hall. He followed her, mystified.
He reached the foyer just in time to see her walk out of the building, heading toward the parking lot. �Jake!� he yelled, causing a few passer-bys to glance curiously in his direction. Yet, she kept walking, her pace brisk and unfaltering.
***
Scout and Hamilton�s room
�You asked Bella?� Will frowned as he leaned back in his desk chair, �What�s Faye gonna think?�
�We�re just going as friends,� Scout stressed, holding up two shirts in front of the mirror and trying to decide which one looked better for the Ball. �Why can�t anyone understand that?�
�It�s not that we don�t believe you,� Will folded his arms, �but you�ve got to admit, it doesn�t look all that platonic from the surface. If Faye sees you and Bella at the dance, what�s she gonna think? Didn�t you say you were going to prove yourself through your actions to win her back?� He shrugged, �I�m just saying, your actions are sending out some pretty mixed signals.�
Scout rubbed a hand over his chin thoughtfully. �You know, you�re right,� he said, hanging the shirts up. �I don�t know what I was thinking. God, I�m so brain dead these days.�
�How are things with your parents?� Will asked sympathetically.
�They�re all right,� Scout replied. �I�m all right, too. I won�t lie, it�s hard, but I�m coping and they�re coping, and that�s the main thing.� He paused, and added, �Even I can see they won�t be happy if they stay together. And I�m not selfish enough to demand that they stay together for my sake, or something like that. A divorce is probably the best thing for everybody at this point.�
Will watched him thoughtfully. �You�ve changed, Scout.�
Scout shrugged, �Maybe I am growing up. Man, now that you point the situation out, it�s so blindingly obvious. I just thought about who I could take and decided that Bella would�ve been a better choice than Paige. I knew Bella wanted to go anyway. What do I do now?�
�I don�t think there�s anything you could do,� Will said sensibly. �It�d be pretty nasty if you back out of it now.�
�I know, I know,� Scout said distractedly, �and I won�t. I won�t leave her hanging like that. She�s probably already got her dress and everything.� His cellphone rang and he answered it, �Hello?�
***
Jake�s room
�Hey boy,� Jake said happily as she walked into her room and found Hamilton lounging on the bed, reading. �I managed to find masks for both of us, and we picked out this really nice dress for Bella. Not bad for a day�s work.�
�Why did you ignore me?� he asked sullenly.
She furrowed her brows, �When?�
�Earlier,� he sat up straighter, �about four in the afternoon. You were walking in front of me and I called you like five times, but you didn�t answer at all.�
�Four o�clock?� she frowned, �I left for Bella�s as soon as school was out. I wasn�t anywhere near here at four.�
�I saw you!� he insisted.
�It can�t have been me,� she shook her head, �you must�ve been mistaken.�
�What,� he asked crossly, �you�re saying I can�t recognise my own girlfriend?�
�Maybe,� she said with a little smile. It was meant to be a good-natured tease but he scowled at her. She couldn�t help turning away with a little roll of the eyes. �Fine,� she said, turning on her desktop, �don�t believe me.�
�Fine,� he replied, turning back to his book.
***
The Gas Station
Bella and Josh were jamming again, something of a regular occurrence these days. She�d picked up a lot of guitar pointers from him, and he remarked that she was making really good progress, despite only beginning to learn a few months ago.
Today, though, their dynamics felt different � slightly off. Bella couldn�t quite put her finger on it, but Josh had a vaguely panicked look in his eye, as though something loomed over his shoulder which he was powerless to control. He�d been pushing at her to run through the Amnesia songs he�d taught her in the past weeks, his voice clipped and his demeanour serious. �Come on,� he urged, �let�s just go through Honey God one more time.�
�Josh,� she asked, �is anything the matter? You look� kinda freaked.�
He bit his lip, looking down at his guitar. �I�ve been stressed lately,� he admitted, �REACH and a few other gay and lesbian societies from Boston are arranging this concert, and it�s coming up really soon. I�ve had to do most of the planning and we�re getting a celebrity group to headline so there�s all these complications with the contract, and it�s just stressing me out.�
�Oh, you should have told me,� she said. �We didn�t have to practice today.�
�Well, that�s the other thing �� he trailed off, absently strumming a couple of chords, �you see, Amnesia�s having some problems��
He was interrupted by Scout, who burst in the door. �Bella,� he panted, looking as though he ran all the way to town, �I�ve got to talk to you.�
�What�s up?� Bella gestured at the couch, �Have a seat.�
�Claire�� he tried to catch his breath, �� just rang. You know, Kidsline Claire� the guy rostered for Friday night had to� cancel� and she wanted me to do it.�
�Friday night?� she repeated, �But Scout, that�s��
�Halloween Ball,� he nodded, �I know. That�s why I came to talk to you first. I didn�t think it�d be good to do this over the phone.�
�Can�t Claire find someone else?� she demanded, �What about Sean?�
�Apparently everyone�s busy,� Scout replied, �Face it, an evening alone with phone counselling isn�t exactly the most fun way to spend your Friday night.�
�Well, are you going to take the job?� she asked.
He shrugged, �I don�t know. Claire sounded pretty desperate � she has a family thing she needs to go to. I don�t care if I go to the Ball or not,� he watched her keenly, �but it�s not going to be fair to you so I wanted to talk to you and work something out.�
�You know, Scout,� Josh spoke up, �if you can�t take Bella, I�ll be happy to.�
�I thought you�re going with Faye,� she turned to him with a frown.
He shrugged, �It�ll be okay with her. She doesn�t mind going stag.�
"You sure?� the other two asked in unison.
Josh smiled, �Absolutely.� He extended a hand toward Bella, comically raising an eyebrow, �Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the annual Rawley Halloween Ball, Miss Banks?�
�You sure about this?� Bella asked again.
�It�ll be fine.� Josh assured her.
�Thanks, man.� Scout sounded relieved, �I owe you one.�
***
The Diner
�Damn it,� Faye said irritably, �did I mention that a genius plan wouldn�t be so great if you don�t stick to it? Didn�t I tell you to take the whole thing slowly and platonically?�
�I know, I know,� Sean muttered, �it was just a spur of the moment thing, okay? I just reached out and� her hand was there. Plus, she didn�t pull away.�
�Yes,� she focused her unnerving violet gaze on him, �but it didn�t exactly do you a world of good, did it? We�re dealing with the bottom line here: you took it too fast.�
�Please, at the rate I was going,� he grumbled, �I�ll be dead before I score a date with her.�
�You�re so negative about this,� she glared at him reproachfully. �Didn�t I tell you that you�ve got to become really good friends before you could do anything else? If you come on like you want something romantic right now, she�s just going to move away from you. Why did you bring it up with her, anyway? You really should�ve stayed quiet about it, even if you thought it meant something.�
�Yeah, well,� he grew red, �I wouldn�t have said anything if Scout didn�t come in and ask her to the Halloween Ball!�
She blinked. �Scout�s taking Bella to the Halloween Ball?�
�Look, I�m sorry.� his expression softened, �I didn�t mean to tell you like this��
�What are you talking about?� she shrugged, �If he wants to go with Bella, it�s his choice. What do I have to do with it?�
�But you guys�� he said hesitantly, �it must be weird��
�Unlike everyone thinks,� she said coldly, �I�m not that interested in Scout�s personal life at the present moment. Everyone�s tiptoeing around me as though saying his name is going to make me implode. I don�t care what he�s doing, or who he�s taking to the Ball, or any of it.�
Josh walked through the doors just as Faye ended her spiel. The effect of the speech, however, was somewhat diminished as he bounded up with a grin. �Good news,� he said, �Scout�s not taking Bella to the Ball anymore. Something came up.�
Sean hid a smile. Faye glared at Josh, �Why would I care either way?�
�Because now I�m taking her,� he answered blithely, slipping into the booth. �You don�t mind, do you?�
She shrugged, �It�s fine.�
�Cool,� he kissed her on the cheek, �you�re the best.�
�And don�t you forget it,� she elbowed him playfully.
�Orders, anyone?� Will asked, approaching them from behind and pulling a pen from his apron pocket.
�The cheeseburger special,� Faye said immediately, and Sean nodded, �Same for me, thanks.�
Will jotted the orders down and glanced at the other boy expectantly. �Josh?�
Josh shook his head with a smile, �Nothing for me, thank you.�
�Okay,� Will capped his pen and headed back to the counter. Faye, on the other hand, could not resist sneaking a peek in Josh�s direction, her gaze travelling worriedly over his increasingly gaunt features.
Part Four
Kidsline Office, Carson
�Scout Calhoun reporting for duty,� Scout saluted cheerfully as he arrived at the front desk, �should I just head on through?�
�You must be Mark�s stand-in.� The receptionist smiled at him, �Thanks for coming under such short notice. Why don�t you get set up in the office and I�ll get Claire to brief you?�
He nodded and made his way through the cramped quarters, heading for the side office. As he set his bag down, Claire, the Kidsline coordinator, walked in behind him. �Thanks so much, Scout,� she patted him on the shoulder, �I know you must�ve given up some fun Friday night activity to do this. Now, since we�ve already had you in for a spot of late training as well as two supervised sessions, do you feel up to tackling this solo tonight?�
�Sure,� he smiled, �bring it on.�
�Now, I�m sorry I can�t be here,� she explained, �I�ve got a family emergency back home, so I�m afraid I have to fly. But you know the drill: take brief notes on all calls, listen if they want to rant, talk if they want to talk� remember to use your made-up �phone buddy� name to protect yourself from possible recognition. What�s yours, by the way?� she asked, scrutinising the list pinned on the wall, �we must�ve forgotten to add you in.�
�John,� he said with a small smile, �John will do.�
�Okay, John.� She wrote up his name, �Nina out in reception will be there if you need anything.�
�No problem.� He nodded, taking out his English homework to ponder over in the meantime, �I�ve got the bases covered.�
***
Rawley Academy
The setting sun hovered near the horizon, taking on the hue of a blood orange and tinting the surrounding clouds with varying shades of burning copper. Josh stood nervously at the edge of the parking lot, decked out in his usual formal garb � a black silk shirt and dress pants � and craning his neck to see into the distance. He had long given up fighting the urge to bite his nails.
The whole scenario reminded him of a few months ago, when he stood here just like this, waiting for the same people to show up for the prom. But events have altered in the period between � lives and loves, friendships solidified or broken apart, spring turning into autumn. Leaves, once verdant and tender, now swirled around him in a shower the colours of fire, dancing on the wind, one last extravagant display of livelihood before they were to plummet to the ground and, eventually, be trampled underfoot.
A rattling white van pulled into the parking lot, and he visibly tensed, running forward to greet it. His expectant face fell when he saw the expressions of his bandmates inside the van. Or, to be more specific, the faces of Emily, the bassist; and Alex, the drummer. Ben was nowhere in sight.
�We looked and looked,� Emily babbled as she jumped out of the van, �but we couldn�t find him. No one knew where he was. Josh, what are we going to do?�
�We left about a hundred messages on his voice mail,� Alex said, �so there�s still hope he�ll turn up. But�� he trailed off, meeting Josh�s eyes briefly before averting his gaze.
Josh swallowed, shivering a little in the evening chill. �It�s gonna be all right, guys,� he said, forcing his voice to be steady and calming. �If the worst comes to the worst, we pull a three-piece show.�
�You know we need rhythm guitars,� Emily wailed, �everything�s going to sound crap if it�s just the three of us!�
Josh set his jaw. �There are still a few hours to go. No use panicking just yet, okay? Everything will be fine, trust me. You guys go set up, my stuff�s already on the stage. I�ve got to go pick up my date.�
�We�re going to be booed off the stage,� Alex predicted gloomily, ducking into the van to unload the drum kit.
***
Rawley Girls� Academy
�Wow, you look�� Will stared at Maria, searching for the right word, �� daring.�
�That�s the best you could come up with, English major?� she teased lightly, doing a little half-turn so her short orange skirt flared around her thighs in a perfect circle.
He grinned, �Come on, you know you look terrific. And look,� he held up an orange hibiscus flower triumphantly, �never let it be said that Will Krudski does not present his lady of the evening with a corsage.�
�I�m impressed,� she laughed as she slipped the flower onto her wrist.
He offered her his arm, �Shall we?�
�We shall,� she answered with a smile, and they set off downstairs. Around them, the halls were abuzz with activity � guys left and right picking up their dates for the evening, girls running to the bathroom for last-minute make-up checks�
The racket simply made the tranquillity of the common room more striking as they passed it. Will could see the lone figure of Anita curled up on the sofa before the television, clad in a tank top and pyjama bottoms. She caught his eye and smiled pensively, raising her hand in a small wave.
***
The Gas Station
�My lady,� Josh tipped an imaginary hat when Bella answered the door, �your chariot awaits.�
�Thank you,� she said in a fake haughty accent before dissolving into a smile.
�I borrowed Faye�s car,� he explained as he helped her with her coat, �so I didn�t have to resort to picking you up in my rust bucket which, I must say, would be grossly inappropriate seeing how lovely you are tonight.�
�A few more compliments like that,� she warned, chuckling, �and you�ll find another unwelcome admirer at your feet � among your many conquests, no doubt.�
He laughed, but underneath the cheerful sound she thought she could hear a sort of hollowness, like a dark cave in which he�d hidden all his sorrows so that none could escape to the surface. She smoothed down her buttercup-yellow chiffon gown and fought the urge to bite her lip; the teasing remark had inadvertently, but obviously, hit a nerve.
However, he seemed to shrug off the momentary melancholy as he smiled and escorted her to the black convertible, making sure she was comfortably settled before he slipped into the driver�s seat. He buckled himself in, and was just about to say something when a black Porsche roared out one of the back streets, inside it Ryder and his date of the evening.
As the car darted past, for a split second Josh�s eyes met Ryder�s. The looks inside their gazes were startlingly similar, a dissatisfaction, of sorts, with what they had � the lives they were leading and the choices they were making. The corner of Josh�s lips curved up in a wistful half-smile, an expression that did not go unnoticed by Ryder as he rushed past.
The smile burned into his mind. Ryder exhaled, feeling the wind in his face, speeding toward the glittering lights of Rawley Academy, an evening with someone he neither liked very much nor cared for. But what could he do about that? What could they do otherwise?
Nothing� nothing.
***
Jake�s room
�You know,� Jake sighed as she slipped her black half-face mask on, �I know we�ve had little fights before, but this is really dumb. Either I didn�t hear you or you mistook someone else for me, it doesn�t really matter. Can we just get over it?�
�Okay,� Hamilton agreed readily, fitting on his own mask and turning to offer her a small smile. �Friends again?� he asked.
�Friends.� She took his hands and kissed him softly.
He straightened the lapel of her suit as she pulled back, �Come on, let�s go to the Ball.�
By the time they arrived, there were already a fair amount of people in the hall. The Halloween Masquerade Ball was always something of a strange affair, with masked students milling left and right, making one never quite sure of where their friends were or who they �recognised�. The overhead sound system was playing the latest hits, and a few people had moved onto the dance floor.
Faye was already there, nursing a glass of punch. When she caught sight of Jake and Hamilton she made a beeline for them, grinning. �You guys look like two peas in a pod,� she teased, referring to their identical suits. �You know what your outfits remind me of? O-Ren Ishii�s Crazy 88 bodyguards in Kill Bill.�
The couple laughed. �That�s not really a compliment� but we�ll take it,� Jake said. �You look nice.�
Faye, ever the show pony, had opted for a sparkly cat�s-eye mask decorated with rhinestones. She touched the edge of her mask, pleased, �I picked this up in a yard sale ages ago. Didn�t think I was ever going to need it, but I was proved wrong��
�Faye, excuse me,� an unfamiliar voice interrupted, and the three of them turned to see Emily and Alex, Josh�s bandmates. �Do you know where Josh is?� Emily asked, looking distinctly flustered.
�Sorry,� Faye smiled apologetically, �I�m not actually his date tonight. He had to go into town to pick her up so it might be a while. Is anything wrong?�
Emily uttered a short laugh devoid of all humour. �Where to begin?� she said hysterically, �First Ben disappears on us, then Josh. We�re supposed to go onstage in an hour and we�re missing half the band members. What�s Alex and me supposed to do? Play some chill-out bass�n�drums? We�re gonna ruin our professional reputation tonight.�
�Hey,� Faye said soothingly, �it�s gonna be all right. Josh will be here any minute.�
�Yeah, well,� Emily ran a hand through her hair, �even he can�t make a guitarist materialise out of thin air now, can he?�
�He�s here,� Alex said suddenly, touching Emily on the arm. Sure enough, Josh and Bella had just walked through the French doors. Without another word the band members dashed over, their expressions grave.
***
Pagan patted his standard black mask self-consciously. �This feels kinda weird,� he said to Michael as they loitered by one of the refreshment tables, checking out the crowd. He had exchanged his usual bohemian getup for a suit, which felt a little too constrictive to be comfortable, and he couldn�t help fidgeting.
Michael, on the other hand, was too busy checking out the local talent to pay much attention. �Uh huh,� he said distractedly. �You know what? We should dance.�
Pagan leaned slightly away from him, �You and me?�
�No, you dumbass,� Michael pretended to whack him on the head, �I see some girls came by themselves tonight. We should ask them to dance.�
�Oh yeah?� Pagan poured himself a glass of punch, �Where?�
�Well,� Michael tried to point without being too obvious, �See that blonde over there? The one with the yellow dress and standing next to that skinny guy who looks like a girl?�
�I think that skinny guy is her date.� Pagan said mildly.
�I know,� Michael said, �but he doesn�t seem to be paying her much attention, does he?�
Sure enough, the remaining members of Amnesia had tugged Josh aside to make emergency plans. �I�m so sorry,� Josh managed to say to Bella before Emily and Alex accosted him. Bella smiled good-naturedly, and tried to look at ease among all the people she didn�t know. She glanced around, but the hall was beginning to be filled, and she couldn�t spot any of her friends through the thick crowd.
�You should ask her to dance,� Michael said.
�Why me?� Pagan widened his eyes.
�Face it,� Michael said matter-of-factly, �you�ve got a much better chance than me at getting someone you don�t know to dance.�
�I don�t know about that,� Pagan said slowly. �Plus, I don�t even want to dance. I only came because you dragged me here.�
�Come on!� Michael gave him a little shove, �Don�t you want to meet some new people? Suss out that girl, and if she seems nice, I�ll try to score a dance with her later.�
�Why do I feel like I�m on the frontline?� grumbled Pagan as Michael gave him another push and he stumbled off in Bella�s direction. He glanced back over his shoulder, dubiously, and Michael gave him the thumbs-up sign. He sighed with resignation and walked forward, feeling his hands grow clammy � forwardness wasn�t exactly one of his strong traits.
�Um�� he meekly tapped Bella on the shoulder, �do you wanna��
What surprised him was the way her eyes lit up when she saw him. �Hey!� she said happily, �how are you?�
�I�m� good�� he stuttered, taken aback.
�I�ve been getting so bored standing here,� she chuckled, �you wanna dance or something?�
He blinked. �Um, okay��
�I�ll just have to let Josh know,� she said, �stay here, okay?�
�All right�� Pagan felt like he�d just stumbled into a play that he wasn�t supposed to be in. He glanced furtively in Michael�s direction. Michael had spread his hands, gesturing �what�s going on?�, and he could only shrug back.
Meanwhile, Bella checked with Josh, �Hey, I�m just gonna dance with Jake for a while, okay?�
�Sure.� He said apologetically, �I�m so sorry to leave you on your own.�
�Don�t worry about it,� she assured him before she headed back to �Jake�, �I�m having a good time.�
�Good to know,� he said, giving �Jake� a little wave. �Jake� just looked back at him blankly, but Josh didn�t notice. He turned back to his bandmates and took a deep breath, �Okay, there is one last option��
�Really?� Emily demanded, �What?�
�I really didn�t want to bring it up,� Josh sighed, �because� well, it could potentially be a disaster.�
�Look around,� Alex said, tapping his foot impatiently, �it already is a disaster. At this point anything�s worth a shot.�
�Okay,� Josh sighed again. �Well, Bella�s been jamming with me for a month or two now, and I�ve taught her most of the songs from our set list��
�What?� Emily and Alex demanded in unison. �That�s great! What are we waiting for?� Emily added, �She�ll be perfect.�
�Well, the thing is,� Josh winced, �she�s only been playing guitar for a couple of months. And she�s never done it with a band before, let alone onstage.�
�Having a crap rhythm guitarist is better than having none,� Alex said, and Emily nodded enthusiastically to back him up.
�Okay,� Josh said, still a little apprehensive. �I�ll ask her.�
In the meantime, Pagan couldn�t believe his luck when Bella returned to him, all smiles, and led him onto the dance floor. She easily slipped into his embrace, dancing with him as though she�d already known him for a great long while. �You�ve filled out,� she said with an element of surprise, running her hand over his bicep, �have you been doing weights or something?�
�Not really�� he was growing more and more confused by the minute. The girl seemed to know him � and surely he couldn�t have forgotten meeting someone as lovely as this. But this whole sequence of events has just been one big confusing dream-come-true, and he wasn�t going to spoil it by asking her �who are you?� and risk her getting insulted at the fact that he�d obviously forgotten something.
�You seem different,� Bella said, �are you feeling okay?�
He swallowed, �Um� I�m fine��
�Good,� she looked around, �Where�s Hamilton?�
He was just about to ask who Hamilton was when her date, the skinny girly guy, cut in on them. �Excuse me,� Josh said, smiling at Pagan, �may I have my partner back?�
�Sure�� Pagan said, stepping backwards. Josh grinned at him again before whisking Bella away.
Pagan found his way slowly back to Michael. �What happened? What happened?� his friend demanded, tugging on his shirtsleeve.
�You know,� Pagan gulped down the rest of his punch, �I�m really not sure��
Part Five
�No.� Bella said emphatically, �No, no, no. I can�t do it, you know I can�t.�
�You can,� Josh wheedled, �Puh-leese? We�ve got no one else to cover us.�
�Get Hamilton,� she suggested, �he plays a lot better than me.�
�But he doesn�t know our songs,� he pointed out.
�I don�t have a guitar with me,� she scrabbled for an excuse.
�I�ve got a whole set of equipment downstairs that you can use,� Josh wasn�t deterred. �Look, if you�re not comfortable playing an electric guitar, we�ll just hook an acoustic one up for you, it�s not that big a deal. And we�ll turn your amp down so if you make a mistake, it won�t sound so bad��
�Oh,� she said semi-hysterically, �great to know I won�t sound so bad in front of five hundred people!�
�It�s three hundred, tops. So does that mean you�ll do it?� he asked hopefully, choosing to ignore the sarcasm in her voice.
�No!� she exclaimed, �There�s no way you can get me up there, okay? I�m not ready. I haven�t ever played to anyone else in my life and suddenly you expect me to go up there and play for a paying crowd? With a band?�
�But we�re desperate�� he said sadly, lowering his head.
�Oh, Josh,� she sighed, wringing her hands, �I�m so sorry, okay? But I can�t. I just can�t.�
***
�How on earth did I let you rope me into this?� Bella wondered aloud ten minutes later, as she went with Amnesia down to the music rooms to find an extra set of equipment.
Emily glanced at her with a big grin, �He does that to you.�
�Yeah, I�ll say,� Bella muttered as she watched Josh and Alex lift the amp in the corner. �He should consider a career in car sales or brokering or something.�
Without warning, Emily gave her a big hug. �Thank you, thank you, thank you,� she cried, �honestly, I can�t thank you enough for doing this.�
�Don�t you think you should wait until after the show to say this?� Bella laughed nervously, �I wish I could be so confident about going onstage with you guys. I�m going to screw up so bad, I know it.�
�It�s going to be fine,� Josh panted, struggling under the weight of the amp. �Bella, choose any guitar of mine you want; Emily, grab some leads and the extra pedal.�
�Pedal?� Bella exclaimed, �As in �effects pedal�? I�ve never used one before!�
�You kick it, your sound goes fuzzy,� Emily waved her hand flippantly, �kick it again and you�re back to normal. Nothing to it.�
�Easy for you to say,� grumbled Bella, grabbing a shiny blue electric guitar from the corner. She fought the urge to wipe her sweaty hands on her rented gown � guess it was really time to sink or swim.
***
�You wanna take a break?� Will asked Maria in between songs. They�d been dancing for a while and he was getting uncomfortably hot out amongst so many people.
She smiled at him gratefully, �That�ll be nice.�
He escorted her to a less crowded area of the hall, where chairs were laid out against the wall. �Wait here,� he said, �I�ll go get us something to drink.�
�Thanks,� she smiled again, taking off her bright orange mask and fanning herself with it. He grinned and set off toward the refreshment table.
He was just pouring a glass of punch when he noticed a movement on the lawn, out in the darkness. He lifted his head and squinted, making out a forlorn figure standing near the veranda, looking in at the crowds of Ball-goers.
Mesmerized, he abandoned the refreshment table and walked out of the French doors, only half aware of where his legs were carrying him. The figure in the dark gave a start, before it crossed its arms and said, coolly, �What are you doing here?�
�I could be asking you the same question, Anita,� he said, sticking his hands in his pockets to ward off the cold breeze outside.
�I wanted to come see what�s going on,� she said, �so sue me.�
He watched her for a moment before speaking. �So how are you doing?�
�You know, you�re the only person who asks me that,� she said lightly, beginning to walk away from the bright hall, and all the people inside it.
He followed her without thinking. �I�m just worried about how you�re coping.�
�I know what you�re thinking of,� she said with a small sigh. �I remember it too, that kid Ryan back in summer session, the one who had to pull out of Rawley because his family went bankrupt or something.�
�You think it would come to that?� he asked hesitantly, �For you, I mean?�
She glanced at him, her dark eyes deep and unfathomable in the night. �We can never know these things, can we?�
He chewed on his lower lip, and was silent.
***
�I know you guys have been waiting patiently for this,� the MC said through the microphone onstage. �So without further ado, I present� Amnesia!�
�Just breathe,� Bella whispered to herself as the stage lights snapped on, nearly blinding her with its brilliant white glare. She was to the left of the stage, which suddenly looked a long way away from the others. She gripped the neck of the guitar tightly and wished that she could hide behind Josh, Emily� anyone. But they had taken their posts at the centre and right-hand stage respectively, and Josh had started saying something to the audience. Her frantic heartbeat drummed in her ears, drowning his words out. She looked down at the set list at her feet and swallowed, trying to moisten her throat which had gone as parched as the Sahara. First song: Astronaut. �You know how to play that,� she told herself silently, �you know how it goes.� Her hands were trembling so badly that she wasn�t sure whether she could hold on to her guitar pick� but then she heard Alex click his drumsticks behind her, one, two, three, four, and her left hand instinctively contorted itself into the first chord shape, pressing on the cool steel strings, and she was suddenly part of the band, creating the music that flowed out of the amplifiers, flooding the hall with sound.
�Oh my god,� Jake yelled at Hamilton, straining to be heard over the music, �Bella�s up there!�
�And she�s good,� he replied, staring google-eyed at the blonde, who looked tense but alert, backing the lead guitar. She slipped up here and there, but the song was so uniform that her small mistakes were swept over by the charged sounds of the other instruments, concealed by Josh�s voice as he began to sing.
I feel it closing out
The tunnel's getting smaller and I'm blacking out
I'm spinning in a capsule world high out in space
I can see you down there
You're as small as hell if it exists
But I don't care
I'm just floating out here
�Look, your girl�s in the band,� Michael said to Pagan, clearly impressed.
�She�s not my girl,� Pagan said, but could not help a small smirk. He�d danced with a band chick. Surely that raised his coolness factor somehow.
Yeah, I�ve been
Coming in, burning up
I'm feeling fine, I can't get enough
I'm flaking out, I'm never giving in
My head is spinning, my head is spinning
Ryder was sprawled in one of the chairs near the back of the hall. His date tugged on his sleeve, wanting to dance, but he shook his head, keeping his gaze on Josh. She pouted, stood up and flounced away, but he remained where he was, watching his childhood friend up there, performing, looking as though he�d been transformed by the lights and the music.
Sammy's coming down
He's filling himself in again
He's getting high out in space, he thinks he's free again
I've been waiting such a long time for this
Where are we, and what is this place?
Cos I�ve been
Coming in, burning up
I'm feeling fine, I can't get enough
I'm flaking out, I'm never giving in
My head is spinning, my head is spinning
Josh. So many images came to mind when Ryder looked at him � Josh as he knew him back in England, Josh as he is now; Josh the frail, Josh the lonely one, Josh the wretched� Ryder quickly glanced around and, satisfied that no chaperones were in sight, pulled a hip flask from inside his jacket and took a quick swig from it. Fiery liquid dashed through his throat, making his eyes water. For a moment his gaze wavered and he no longer knew where he was, the crowd disappeared, the only things that remained was the music reverberating in the air that surrounded him, the alcohol churning through his veins, and� Josh. Up ahead, always ahead of him, a flash of black hair and turquoise eyes, shining, dreamlike� beautiful.
He shook his head to clear his vision, and took another swig from the flask. Then another. He had a few more bottles up in his dorm room, and at the rate things were going, he looked likely to make a large dent in the supply before the night was out.
I'm coming in, I'm burning up
I'm feeling fine, I can't get enough
I'm flaking out and all is spinning around me again
For a moment it was as though Josh looked straight at Ryder, over the heads of all the people in the crowd, his gaze cutting through the semi-darkness as though he could see a better place just out of reach, a better life, for all of them, beyond what could be touched and tasted.
Roses fall so I can't catch the dust
I�ll squeeze the sand through your hands to match my cuts
I�m faking breathing easy, lure me in
Man I got to get out, I got to get out
I can't take this scene,
Anymore
Josh walked backwards while he strummed, glancing nervously at Bella as the musical interlude stopped and started in bursts. He was afraid that she�d get the timing wrong but she handled it like a pro, nodding her head to the beat and looking lost in the music. He smiled and walked forward again, leaning into the microphone, imagining that he could see Ryder somewhere out there. The song was written for him, after all.
He would never tell Ryder that, of course.
I'm alone out here
I�m alone out here
You�re spinning me over and over again
I'm alone out here
I�m alone out here
I�m spinning over and over again
***
I�m coming in, I�m burning up
Yeah I�m feeling fine
Over and over again
I'm alone out here
I�m alone out here
I�m spinning over and over again�
�The fact that she didn�t shoot you down gives me hope that there is a god,� Michael said to Pagan. �You know what? I�m going to try my luck.�
�In case you haven�t noticed,� Pagan answered with a smile, �she�s onstage right now. What are you going to do? Go up there and lick her guitar?�
�Gross,� Michael shot him a strange look. �Seriously, you seem all hippylike and innocent and then out of the blue you�d come up with some truly disgusting images. What�s that about?�
�An eclectic upbringing?� Pagan suggested, raising an eyebrow.
�I�ll say,� Michael muttered. �No, I was thinking of asking that one to dance.� He nodded toward the other side of the hall, where a girl with short blonde hair was standing. �I�ve been watching her,� Michael explained, �and I�m pretty sure she doesn�t have a date.�
�Good luck,� Pagan patted him on the shoulder, �I think you might need it.�
�You gotta have faith,� Michael said in a singsong voice before he adjusted his lapels and strode purposefully up to the girl. �Hey there,� he said, trying to sound suave, �you wanna dance?�
Faye looked at the tiny Asian kid who planted himself in front of her. She fought back a smile, �Do I know you?�
�I�m Michael,� he said matter-of-factly, �and you are?�
�Faye Archer,� she grinned at him, more amused than anything else. �How old are you?�
�Does it matter?� he cocked his head and peered at her through his mask.
�Yeah,� she laughed, �I don�t dance with guys shorter than me.�
�So brutally honest!� He pretended to clutch at his heart.
�And surprisingly shallow, yes?� she winked.
�I wouldn�t say that,� he grinned. �It�s important to live your life to a set of standards, regardless of how misguided or flawed they are. And I might just add here that yours are definitely flawed.�
She scrutinised him with a smile. �You�re funny. I like you, kid.�
�Again with the brutality!� he chuckled, �Can we skip over all words that allude to my size? It�s not like I haven�t been teased to death already by the kids in school.�
�Fine, Michael,� she grinned at him, �you know what? I do believe it�s time to rethink my standards. I will dance with you.�
A big grin spread across his face. �I�m flattered,� he said as they made their way out onto the dance floor. �So what are you, a Junior?�
�Senior,� she corrected him.
�Well,� he shrugged nonchalantly, �I guess it�s also time to rethink some of my standards. I�ll cross �no old women� off my list.�
�More sweet talk like that,� she laughed, �and you�ll be in a heap on the ground.�
�You know what?� he chuckled, �I really believe you.�
***
�How are you going?� Josh asked Bella in a break between songs, pushing strands of sweat-drenched hair off his forehead. �Not as bad as you thought it�d be, right?�
�It gets easier,� she had relaxed sufficiently to give him a genuine smile.
�I knew you could do it,� he grinned at her before returning to the microphone. �Okay guys,� he called out to the crowd, �this song is one you know. It�s called Arm.�
Bella smiled to herself as they launched into the familiar song. It had always been her favourite Amnesia piece, and it felt surreal to her as she leaned back slightly and strummed, knowing that she wasn�t down there listening but was in fact up here and playing. An hour ago, she would have laughed in disbelief if someone told her playing with the band wouldn�t feel all that frightening or impossible. But that was the truth. She simply followed the others� lead, finding more fun than she�d ever imagined in being part of a larger whole, one that was responsible for creating the music that pulsated through the air, that got people getting up and dancing. When she had a spare moment she even turned her amp volume up � just a notch.
***
Carson, Kidsline Office
It had been a quiet night so far. Scout had worked through his English homework, interrupted with only a few calls here and there. He started on his science lab report, the only sounds in the room the quiet scratching of his pencil and the steady ticking of the clock overhead.
The phone rang, its shrill sound piercing through the quiet. Scout reached for it absently. �Hello, Kidsline,� he said, still pondering over the difference between iron II and iron III ions.
There was silence on the other end.
�Hello?� he said again. During training he was told that silences occurred often in counselling calls, and the phone buddy should just be patient, and wait until the caller decided to speak.
A female voice, sounding young and timid, spoke faintly, �Hi.�
�Hi,� he replied, putting his pencil down and pushing the lab report to one side.
A pause, and she asked, �Who am I speaking to?�
He was about to tell her when he remembered that he was supposed to use his �buddy name�. �Um,� he stumbled a little over the words, �this is John.�
�Hi John.� The girl spoke so softly that he had to strain to hear her. She said something else, but the words faded into the quiet around him, leaving only fuzzy imprints of syllables on his mind. He covered his other ear with his hand, �Hey, could you speak up just a little? I can�t really hear you.�
Again, silence. He waited, and finally she said, a little louder, �I�m sorry.�
"Oh, no,� he said quickly, �you don�t have to be sorry for that. I understand that it�s hard to just pick up the phone and call some stranger��
�No, you don�t understand,� she said, and a sigh travelled over the lines, soft and tremulous like a butterfly fluttering its wings. �I�m sorry,� she repeated, and to him her voice seemed so tired and strained, a silk string fresh unwound from a cocoon, something that would snap under just a little more force.
�I�m sorry,� she said for a third time, her voice wavering.
�What are you sorry for?� he asked gently.
�I wish I could tell them how sorry I am,� she continued, �all of them� all the people who love me.�
He breathed in, reminding himself that taking calls wasn�t about him trying to find out what was going on, but letting the caller talk. �Why do you think you need to apologise to them?�
�They all tried so hard,� she answered, her voice growing softer again, �but they�ve all failed, haven�t they? I�ve written letters for them to find but they won�t understand how much I love them� how much I hate for them to feel like they�ve done something wrong.�
�What do you mean, you�ve written letters for them to find?� he asked, alarmed, �Look, are you planning to leave home without telling anyone? Have you��
�No,� she chuckled quietly. Wearily, as though laughing had become a task, a chore almost too heavy to bear. �No,� she said again, �I�m not going anywhere.�
He nodded, settling back into his chair.
Part Six
�Bella, you were a lifesaver up there,� Emily gushed as the band finished loading their equipment back into the van. They�d finished their set with no major disasters, and the crowd seemed satisfied enough � they�d chanted for an encore as Amnesia came offstage. Regretfully, the band had to decline since Bella had known barely enough songs to cover the set list, let alone an encore. Still, it had been a good night, all things considered.
Bella smiled shyly, �You think so?�
�You were great,� Alex chimed in with a smile, �thanks for saving our asses.�
�No problem,� Bella grinned, �I really enjoyed it. I wouldn�t mind you guys calling on me again the next time you hit a rough patch.�
�Yeah, well,� Josh rolled his eyes skyward, �given Ben�s track record, I wouldn�t be surprised.� He turned to Alex, �Check your phone and see if he�s called.�
Alex obliged. �Nope,� he announced a moment later, �nada.�
�He�s so irresponsible,� Emily said to Josh, darkly. �That�s pretty much the last straw for me.�
�We�ll talk about it later. Have a safe trip home,� he said to the band members, patting them on their shoulders, �and I�ll call you tomorrow.�
�Bye,� chorused Emily and Alex. Before Emily ducked into the van, she gave Bella a quick hug. Josh and Bella waved as the van pulled out of the parking lot, honking twice before driving out of the main gates.
�That went down well,� commented Josh as they headed back to the Ball.
�It did,� she agreed.
�Look,� he said slowly as they made their way onto the veranda, pausing at the door. �I honestly don�t think this thing with Ben is going to work out. He seems to have lost interest in the band and we just can�t count on him to do anything anymore. I mean, I�ve got to chase him up and also check with the others but�� he looked at her hopefully, �if everything pans out, do you want to join the band as his replacement?�
�You�re asking me to join Amnesia?� she squeaked.
�Bella,� he chuckled, �you know you can do it, we�ve all seen you tonight. And you know, I really like some of your songs we�ve been working on. Maybe later, we can get you to perform some of your songs in our regular set list, just to spice things up a little. I�ve got to warn you though, there�s a lot of travelling involved with rehearsals and performances, and the pay isn�t the greatest��
�I�ll do it,� she said hurriedly. �God, I wouldn�t pass this up in a million years!�
�Great!� he beamed, �Great. I�ll check with the others and get back to you.�
�Awesome,� she said happily. Catching sight of Maria wandering out of the French doors, looking lost, she waved and called, �Hey, is everything all right?�
�Have you seen Will?� the other girl asked, walking toward them, �He went off to get some punch and just� disappeared. I�ve been looking for him everywhere.�
�I�ll help you look,� offered Bella. She turned to Josh, �You don�t mind, do you?�
�No no, go ahead,� he said distractedly. He�d just seen a silhouette disengage itself from the shadows, the smouldering tip of a lighted cigarette at its side. It was Ryder, strangely dishevelled and with a glazed look in his eyes. �I�ll talk to you guys later,� Josh said quickly, striding towards the taller boy. Bella nodded, took Maria by the arm, and guided her inside.
�You look drunk,� Josh said smoothly as he approached, taking in the other boy�s bloodshot eyes and rumpled outfit.
�I�m more than drunk, mate,� Ryder chuckled, his voice slurred. �I haven�t been this knackered since the day I got you kicked out of your home. What was that? Five, six years ago? Strange it all comes back to this.�
�What have you been drinking?� Josh asked, choosing to ignore the other comments.
�Vodka, cranberry�� Ryder chuckled, swaying unsteadily on the spot, �Our drink of choice, if I remember correctly. Were we drinking that the day you kissed me? Up in the treehouse, away from my screwed-up life and your screwed-up life��
�Ryder,� Josh sighed, �don�t talk about this. You�re the one who�s going to regret it later.�
�Yeah, well, I�m already regretting it now.� Ryder said, leaning against the wall, taking a deep drag on his cigarette before tossing it onto the damp lawn. He watched as the cinders glowed red for a moment before they faded away. �What were we listening to? Queer by Garbage. I remember thinking, God, how ironically appropriate, How�� he hiccupped, �stupid of us to think we could change the way we were. I hated everything back then� I hate everything now. I hate this life.�
�Do you hate me?� Despite his better judgement, Josh felt compelled to ask. He felt a painful tug in his chest as he edged closer, �Did you hate me? For making you regret the things you�ve done?�
�Hate is too strong a word,� Ryder leaned his head back and closed his eyes. �Just like love is too strong a word. I want� I want a word that mixes the two meanings together. I want a word to mean what all of us went through. But�� he shook his head and glanced at Josh, his lips curving up in a lazy smile, �there�s no such word, Joshua. Not in any language that can be spoken.�
Josh stared at him.
Ryder stared back, for once unflinching. His eyes were a pale, clear blue under the light that seeped from the hall, and the smile remained on his face, at once a challenge and an invitation.
Quickly, almost angrily, Josh wrenched his gaze away. �You don�t know what you�re doing, Ryder,� he said in a low voice, �you don�t know what you�re saying. Go home. Get some sleep.�
Ryder smiled again. Languidly, as though moving in water, he placed a hand on Josh�s shoulder. �You�re right,� he leaned in close, bringing his eyes level with Josh�s so the other boy had no choice but to look at him. �I don�t know what I�m doing. And I�m damn glad of it because otherwise I think I wouldn�t be here at all��
�Yes, but you don�t know what you�re doing to me!� Josh exclaimed, shoving Ryder aside. �Just don�t. Don�t do this. I can�t handle it. � He bit down on his lower lip, hard, and turned his back on the other boy.
His hands were clenched into fists, and he squeezed them tightly as he spoke. �I can�t handle you when you�re like this. None of it�s real� you won�t remember anything in the morning.� He looked up at the sky, blinking rapidly, �Just� don�t, okay? Leave me some dignity while I still can afford such luxuries.�
Behind him, he heard a soft thump. He whirled around and didn�t know whether to laugh or cry when the sight met his eyes: Ryder had passed out against the stone wall, slumping sluggishly to the ground.
***
Anita was walking up and down the docks. Will, feeling strangely light-headed, followed her every step, drawn to the sound of her voice.
�It�s funny,� she mused, �you grow up in places like this. Places like cocoons of money and power. You know how to act, how to dress� all these things that don�t really matter to anyone except others exactly like you.� She took a quick look at him before continuing. �But it�s such a fragile world. You never know when you�ll be thrown out of it, you never know when everything will come crashing down and you�ll be forced to start all over again, somewhere outside of what you�re used to.�
�Welcome to how the other half lives,� he said with a small, knowing smile.
�Exactly,� she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. �I don�t know if I�m ready to find out.�
�You know,� he confessed, �I have the same fear. I know it�s weird since I didn�t grow up in this world like you did; but I feel the same way� and sometimes I think I get more scared than you ever could.�
�Oh yeah?� she glanced at him, �and why�s that?�
�Because I�ve seen how the other half lives,� he said quietly, �I was one of them. I spent my entire life dragging myself out of the hopeless, aimless existence I was born into, and I can�t afford to go back.�
She nodded quietly.
�And I suppose that�s why a lot of the time we didn�t get along,� he smiled. �I was always doing things, always running around, driven by this mad need to make myself useful. I have to keep myself afloat somehow.�
She nodded again, darting a quick look at his face, his profile standing out in sharp relief against the starry sky.
�Crap!� He suddenly exclaimed, checking his watch, �how long have I been out here? I�ve got to get back to the Ball! Good talking to you, bye��
Before he could sprint off in the direction of the hall, she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him toward her. His eyes flew open wide in surprise as she reached up and pressed her lips to his, just for a moment, before she let him go. �Um�� he spluttered, his heart hammering in his chest, �Anita��
�See you later, Will,� she said softly, walking away.
�Wait�� he began to say, only to hear his name being called from another direction, �Will! Wait up!�
He turned to see Maria and Bella running toward him, the latter holding up her hem as she ran so it wouldn�t be dragged through the damp grass. �Hey,� he stammered awkwardly, �I�m sorry, I had to get some fresh air��
�Let�s just get back before the last dance,� Maria smiled and took his hand. He looked at her apprehensively, but she didn�t seem like she needed to ask any questions of his whereabouts, and for that small grace he was glad.
Bella, on the other hand, looked suspiciously in the direction in which Anita had disappeared, before she caught up with Maria and Will. As she walked she looked at him, scrutinising with her cool gaze his flushed cheeks, and the slightly guilty expression she�d come to know so well over the years. She sneaked a glance at Maria, wondering what thoughts were running through the girl�s head, despite her calm, smiling exterior.
As they headed into the hall Bella broke away from the couple. �I�ll see you guys later,� she waved cheerfully, leaving them alone as she walked toward the refreshment table. Once there, she scanned the crowd: Josh was nowhere in sight.
�Great performance up there,� Faye said, sneaking up. She grinned at Bella�s gasp of surprise. �Where�s your date?�
�Gone AWOL,� Bella chuckled and shrugged, �apparently.�
�The last I saw him, he was lugging an unconscious Ryder up the stairs.� Faye laughed, �Experience tells me that might take a while. I can drop you home, if you want.�
�Thanks,� Bella nodded, �that�d be nice.�
�But in the meantime,� Faye said mischievously, �the night is young, and I have chips and dip stashed in my room. You wanna go up and have a girly night in?�
�Sounds good,� Bella laughed as she linked arms with the other girl, �sounds very good indeed.�
***
Carson, Kidsline Office
�I�m not going anywhere,� the caller breathed, her voice scarcely higher than a whisper. �John� I�m sorry for doing this to you.�
�Sorry for what?� Scout recalled his training and kept his voice soft, trying to mirror her tone and make her feel unthreatened. �I�m here to listen. Whatever problems you may have, you can tell me.�
�I had to talk to someone,� she continued as though she didn�t hear him, �I wanted to talk to someone who�d understand. I wanted to tell someone it�s not their fault at all, it�s no one�s fault� it�s not your fault either, it�s too late for that��
Scout could feel his heart beginning to pick up pace. �What do you mean, it�s too late?� he demanded, forgetting to lower his voice, �Is anything wrong? What�s happening?�
�It�s not up to them to save me,� the voice continued, growing slower and fainter by the second, �in the end, everything is left up to you because you�re stuck in a swamp, you�re in quicksand, you�re sinking slowly and no one could come in to save you� You�re out of their reach forever. They�ve failed� I wanted so much and I�ve failed� it�s the best ending I could cope for��
�Listen,� he said tersely, �I need to know, are you injured? Are you sick?�
�The ceiling is caving in,� she said, her voice a mere whisper, melodic and drawn-out, �I can see the sun� it chases away the darkness and the stars� it�s so beautiful� I�m floating, floating��
He looked outside. The night enveloped the town so completely that he could only see his reflection in the window, grim and white-faced. �It�s� nighttime,� he said hesitantly. �Listen, have you� um, are you taking any drugs?�
She didn�t answer.
�Hello?� he wished he could whisper and shout at the same time, �Hello?�
�I�m so sorry, John,� she finally said, �I didn�t want to do this to you. But I�m so lonely� I�m so alone��
�What�s going on?� he demanded, �Please, just talk to me. Tell me what�s happening.�
�There�s no more time for talking,� she whispered, �I think I�m falling asleep� the pills are starting to work��
�What pills?� he could feel his throat clench involuntarily, �what pills?�
�I just� wanted to hear somebody�s voice� please, stay on the line, talk to me��
�I want to help you,� he said desperately, �tell me what�s wrong!�
�Could anything happen another way?� her voice echoed. It sounded vacant, as though she was falling away, to someplace further than he � or anybody else � could ever reach. �It�s the best for everybody,� she said, weakly, calling out from the place that he could neither imagine or understand. �It�s the best thing for me� they�ll cry and get mad at me for being so selfish, but I don�t care� I can�t care anymore. No one understands what it�s like� to be in my head, to be alone with the voices� and the darkness�� her voice trailed off.
�No, please don�t stop talking,� he rose to his feet, demanding hysterically, �don�t fall asleep! Are you hurting yourself? Have you taken pills? Are you�� he swallowed, gripping the edge of the desk so his hands wouldn�t tremble so much, �are you going to try and kill yourself?�
�Don�t you understand?� her voice was faint and lovely, like silver bells ringing in the distance. �I�ve already killed myself� all that�s left is the waiting.�
�Is this some kind of sick joke?� he cried, �hello? Hello?�
She didn�t answer.
�Please,� he shouted into the receiver, �please, say something!�
Only silence answered him, cold and impersonal. He pressed the receiver to his ear and listened intently, there was no sound at all. �Hello?� he shouted again, �Please talk to me!�
�What�s going on?� a voice exclaimed behind him. It was Claire. �What is happening?� She demanded, crossing the room in a few strides, �Scout?�
�I think she�s�� he fought to get some air into his lungs, �I think she�s committed suicide. I think��
Without a word Claire grabbed the phone from his hands. �Hello?� she said into the phone, �Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me? Hello?�
He collapsed into the chair, gasping for breath, Claire�s frantic voice ringing in his ears but she sounded so distant, all of a sudden� the lights overhead were so bright and artificial that it was hard to keep his eyes focused. His vision was hazing over, wait, moisture was spilling onto his cheeks� what was that feeling in his chest? What was this stinging, horrible emptiness?
***
Josh and Ryder�s room
�Jesus, how many drinks did you have?� Josh muttered as he staggered into the dorm room, Ryder�s leaden weight slumped over his shoulders. He half-dragged, half-carried the taller boy across the floor, dumping him unceremoniously on his bed. Ryder made a small, unintelligible noise and shifted slightly, his head lolling to the side, limbs stretched out in whichever way they happened to fall.
Josh paused, flicking on the lamp and catching his breath. The trip carrying Ryder upstairs had drained him of energy, and wearily he slumped against the bed. One of Ryder�s arms were hanging limply off the side, almost touching the floor. Josh gently placed it upon Ryder�s chest. Ryder didn�t stir.
It was a picture that would be imprinted Josh�s mind for a long time. The way that Ryder�s closed eyes fluttered slightly, his dark lashes wavering against the top of his cheekbones. The way his forehead smoothed out without a trace of the contempt he wore so often in his waking hours. Sleeping equalled innocence, Josh knew it was a clich�, but it was also true. Ryder looked innocent and childlike and at peace; a hand pressed over his heart, his hair in complete disarray.
*Coldplay�s �Spies� plays*
Josh sighed as he reached out and traced the shape of Ryder�s jaw with his forefinger. He had been so scared, earlier, when Ryder was still conscious enough to talk� not because Ryder was finally speaking about all the things that really mattered, but because he knew whatever they said tonight would cease to matter to Ryder tomorrow, when he wakes up with a killer hangover and no memory of this to speak of. And then where would that leave Josh himself? Why must he be the one to carry the burden? He was so tired of burdens.
I awake to find no peace of mind
I said, how do you live as a fugitive?
Down here, where I cannot see so clear
I said, what do I know?
Show me the right way to go
He sighed softly, brushing Ryder�s hair away from his face. As he did this he felt the love inside him expand like a bubble, tinted with shifting, evanescent colours, but always ready to burst at a moment�s notice. His eyes travelled over Ryder�s features, slowly, lovingly, as though he was trying to caress every inch of the other boy�s skin with his gaze alone. The even curve of his forehead, the straight rise of his nose, and his mouth�
Without thinking Josh leaned closer, strands of his dark hair falling across Ryder�s sleeping face. He closed his eyes for a moment � just a moment, suspended in motion, wanting to breathe in the silence, breathe in this constructed intimacy.
And the spies came out of the water
But you're feeling so bad cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them, no
Cos they're all spies
It wasn�t until his lips touched Ryder�s when he realised the gravity of what he was doing.
They're all spies�
But it was too late to pull away. Not after this long� not after all those countless days, wanting for something like this to happen, waiting for a chip in Ryder�s armour that he knew would never come. What was the harm, anyway? Ryder would never know. He would wake up tomorrow and never remember all the things he said this night, nothing of the way he looked at Josh, full of longing and regret. Nothing of� this.
I awake to see that no one is free
We're all fugitives, look at the way we live.
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear, no
I said, which way do I turn?
I forget everything I learn
Josh let his eyes fall closed as he leaned into the warmth of Ryder�s lips, the soft yielding touch. An acidic aching spread from inside him; he didn�t know from where it sprung, because all of a sudden all of him was hurting, his body hummed with what seemed like electricity running across the surface of his skin, and the hollow inside his chest shifted, as though it could be filled somehow. As though it was a wound that had been closed and opened at the same time.
Gently, he let his lips brush over Ryder�s, his tongue tracing a tentative outline. Ryder tasted of smoke and salt and � what else? � vodka and cranberry. Just like six years ago, when Josh kissed him for the first time. The memories washed over Josh like tide, ebbing and flowing with a rhythm that matched the beating of his heart. Or perhaps it was Ryder�s heart � he couldn�t tell the difference. He leaned in closer, pressing his lips upon Ryder�s, a little harder now, drinking in the moment, this one-sided release.
Then, just for a fraction of a second, he felt Ryder�s lips shift slightly beneath his own, and Ryder was kissing him back, and life became complete.
And the spies came out of the water
And you're feeling so bad cos you know
That the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them, no
Cos they're all spies
Ryder opened his eyes as Josh pulled back. He didn�t look quite focused, as though he lacked comprehension of what was going on. But it was just a front � like the many other fronts that he chose to put up. Despite the fog of alcohol in his mind, the knowledge cut through him like a dagger carved from ice. The knowledge of what had just transpired, their fortunes hung on a delicate balance, crossroads caught within the dense, warm atmosphere.
He blinked, once, twice, and Josh�s eyes came into focus. They were huge and uncertain in the dim light. Ryder stared up at those eyes, feeling his whole body grow colder and warmer at the same time. What was the message in them? Glazed and feverish, they seemed like bottomless green pools, ones he could plunge into without knowing what dangers they held beneath the surface. He thought he saw there all the things that Josh wanted, the things that he wanted, the miracles that would never manifest� could they? His mind was a mess of thoughts and he found that there was no time to sort though them, because suddenly Josh�s lips were upon his, once more�
They're all spies�
Ryder would have liked to think that he was shocked into submission; that he was too stunned to move. But he knew the truth as he lay immobile, feeling as though his entire soul was flowing out through him and into Josh. It was a time that transcended thought, there was just the feeling of Josh�s trembling lips, pressed against his own, and something deep within him clicked into place.
And so, when Josh started pulling away he reached out without thinking, clasping the back of the other boy�s neck, entangling his fingers in the silky strands of dark hair, and he arched up to find those lips again. His mind was enveloped in fog; there was a painful hole where his heart should be, and when their lips met for the third time, brilliant white light burst like an exploded star behind his closed eyelids, and he no longer knew the difference between what has happened and what was to come�
And if we don't hide here
They're going to find us
If we don't hide now
They're going to catch us where we sleep
And if we don't hide here
They're going to find us�
He saw the treehouse they played in, still children, back in England. The soft summer rain splattered them as they ran barefeet around the houses they grew up in, houses of sorrow and dark memories best forgotten. He saw himself, grasping onto a shard of glass as though it was the last thing he owned on earth, the light cruelly glinting off its uneven edge. He saw Josh, pale and gaunt as a ghost, leaning into a microphone and clasping it with both hands, singing out with his eyes closed, his face slick with tears. He saw himself, his body racking with soundless sobs, on the floor of a dorm room � this dorm room? � but contained, safe, within Josh�s embrace. He saw the tree by the lake, the two of them, dressed in black suits, their faces pensive as they stared out over the water. He saw a million things as the light pulsed and faded from his mind, flashes of images, some of them he recognised and some of them he didn�t � but they were forgotten as soon as they had emerged, because Josh was kissing him and he was kissing Josh back, their frantic breaths scorching against each other�s skin.
***
Hamilton stood by the refreshment table, gulping down a glass of punch. Jake had gone to the bathroom, and he was hoping that she�d come out in time for the last dance. He peered through the crowd and could just make out a slim figure wandering away. �Jake!� he called, �I�m over here.�
The crowd drowned out his words and he set his glass down, striding quickly through the throngs of people, keeping his eyes on her. She moved quickly � within seconds she had turned into a secluded hallway. �Jake,� he called again, breaking into a trot.
As he reached her he grabbed her shoulder, and she turned around. Even with the black mask covering half her face, he could see that she looked surprised and a little confused. He grinned and pulled her in for a quick kiss.
As soon as their lips touched, Hamilton could feel something dawn in him, brief but incorrigible, like a streak of lightning illuminating a concealed, mysterious landscape.
This isn�t Jake.
�What the fuck do you think you�re doing?� Jake � or whoever this person is � yelled, jumping away from him. He whipped off his mask, and Hamilton�s eyes went wide with shock � the boy looked so much like Jake, yet it wasn�t Jake at all�
�What the hell is going on?� Jake demanded at the entrance of the hall.
She had emerged from the bathroom to see Hamilton walk away hurriedly, and she had followed him. The sight that met her eyes was nothing short of surreal � it felt like astral projection; it felt like she was watching her own life play out before her. She stared, gape-mouthed, at the boy across the hallway. For a moment her mind reeled, trying to discern whether there was a mirror there; whether she�d stumbled through a looking glass of sorts. Her hands flew to her face. His remained still. She took a step back and her fingers slipped on her mask, lifting it away from her face, revealing her pale features and incredulous eyes.
*Jake�s voiceover starts*
�I think, for some of us, the world ended that night. It didn�t matter, really, what happened to us then or what would happen afterward. The point was that things around us were suddenly thrown out of kilter, turned upside-down. The world that we understood, the world whose rules we know, would never come back to us again.�
It was Pagan�s time to gape. �Who�� he managed to force himself to whisper, �who are you?�
�That�s what I�d like to know,� Hamilton said quietly, his voice tinged with an air of awe as he looked from Pagan to Jake, then to Pagan again.
Jake and Pagan stood there as though frozen. They looked at each other, eye to identical eye, as shock and vague recognition coursed through their bodies, and their worlds collided head-on.
The spies came out of the water
And you're feeling so good cos you know
Though spies hide out in every corner
They can't touch you, no
Cos they're just spies�
***
Ryder and Josh�s room
I�m too tired to think anymore.
That was Ryder�s only thought before he succumbed to the darkness, the breath of cold air as he reached up and ripped open Josh�s shirt, his sweaty fingers fumbling around the buttons. Josh�s skin was like pale silk, gleaming a little under the lamplight. Josh�s deft hands had worked Ryder�s shirt off one shoulder, and Ryder closed his eyes, arching back slightly, biting his lower lip as Josh pressed his mouth to the hollow of his collarbone, fighting back a moan as Josh sank his teeth into his shoulder, ferociously, as though he was finally paying back the years of pain between them, as though he was trying to make it into a physical, tangible shape. Ryder was beyond thought. He ran his hands over the smooth skin of Josh�s back, tugging impatiently at any hindrance, until Josh�s shirt fell away altogether. He slid his hands down and around until his fingertips found the smooth leather of Josh�s belt, the cold metal of the buckle.
Josh gasped softly, against Ryder�s neck, as he felt his belt coming undone under Ryder�s scrabbling fingers. But he too, had moved beyond thinking. There was only a great grey blank outside of this moment, outside of this frantic passion that had been bottled up too long. He could feel Ryder�s hot skin shifting against his own, the intoxicating taste of Ryder�s mouth, his roving hands tracing lines of fire and ice. Once more he lowered his lips to Ryder�s, and this time Ryder kissed him back hungrily, as though he too, had finally given up the fight. Given up on everything that had, up to this point, systemised the chaos of their lives.
They�re just spies
They�re just spies�
And so the darkness fell around them, not gently but forcefully, in the heat of the masked night, and they took no notice. No one now had the power to stop what would inevitably happen, after the barriers have fallen� after they have been torn down.
*Jake�s voiceover continues*
�So as we stand there, among the rubble of what has been, we have to ask ourselves � what do we do? Here, now, at the end of the world?�
