Additional disclaimer: Guest star Dexter courtesy of Estee and Harmony at Junior Year.
Author's note: If I had my way, David would be played by David Monahan (Tobey, Jack�s boyfriend of a while) from Dawson�s Creek. Sorry about the Avril Lavigne rant, I know it�s not that relevant. Feel free to argue with me via email on this point, but only if you have sufficient arguments to counter my given reasons.
Part 1
Teaser- music starts with the opening fade-in
Goodbye, the future's sold out
There's no use screaming
Who thought we'd ever get this far�
Bella Banks squinted as she walked into the living room, catching rays of the brilliant summer sunlight in her eyes. A momentary disorientation followed, and she looked around to remind herself where she was.
The living room wasn�t yet a familiar sight. It was a lot more spacious than the one at home, back in the gas station at Rawley. Everything � the furniture, the appliances, even the pictures on the walls � held a different air to what she was accustomed to. Then again, she hadn�t grown up in this place, maybe once when she got used to it, she�d realise it really wasn�t all that much different to home.
The television had been left on, standing in a corner of the living room and tuned to some music video channel that was blasting out one of Bella�s favourite songs, �Is Anybody Home?� by Our Lady Peace. She moved closer to the screen, trying to dodge the pervading sunlight and musing to herself that the girl in the video seemed oddly familiar. Floating dust motes in the air, caught in the shafts of light, were iridescent like particles of crystal.
She shrugged, and straightened up to look out the window. The house was situated on a small hill, and she could see the large New England town of Carson stretched out before her. It was a sight she wasn�t yet accustomed to, and every time she looked, she still had to go through the process of being just a little shocked at not seeing the Main Street of New Rawley, and all the familiar faces.
Tonight, your faith has come down
To money and a TV
Psychics who've never been to Mars
And Nazis breast feeding
I know you must be upset
I can't find meaning
I'm sorry, we're sorry
We're all scared, all scared�
Will Krudski opened his eyes, spending only one second of the blissful period between sleeping and waking before he sat up straight, demanding, �What the hell do you think you�re doing?�
�Well, one has to wonder what intrigues you so much night after night,� replied his roommate, who was lounging on the windowsill calmly smoking a cigarette, and offhandedly reading Will�s journal.
Will leapt out of bed and snatched the black leather-bound book from the blond boy�s hands, �Give me that! I can�t believe you took it.�
Ryder Forrest blinked at him, rather innocently, �but it was just lying there.�
�Like that makes any difference,� Will exclaimed, stuffing the journal back into his bedside drawer. He glowered. �I can�t believe you have the� the audacity to invade my privacy like this!�
�7:30 in the morning and poor old William has already got that stick shoved firmly up his arse,� Ryder observed dryly. �For your information, there wasn�t a scrap of information in the entire thing I found even remotely intriguing.� Smirking, he added, �I mean, I never expected WB Boy to pull a Patrick Bateman, but give me something to work with here.�
Will glared at him. �It�s my� private� journal,� he said through gritted teeth. Ryder merely shrugged, unconcerned.
After a moment Will, being the inquisitor that he was, couldn�t refrain from asking, �What do you mean by �WB Boy�?�
Ryder blew smoke out the open window, leisurely tapping the cigarette against the sill before answering, �White bread, William. Did you expect anything else? Are you capable of being anything else?�
Will glared, again. After a few weeks of sharing a room with Ryder, he had glared so much that his eyeballs were starting to feel like they might pop out of their sockets at any moment. He opened his mouth, waited for a good comeback to spring onto his tongue, but got nothing.
Ryder did not watch him, but a sneer was playing about his lips. Will snapped his jaw shut, narrowed his eyes, and stomped toward the door, cursing under his breath.
Hey, is anybody home?
Has anybody wasted tears on the loneliness that everyone�
On the way to the dormitory bathroom he passed Jake Pratt, whose dark wet hair was sticking up all over her head courtesy of an early morning shower. She greeted him cheerfully, to which he could only manage a half-hearted reply.
*Will�s voiceover begins*
�Sometimes I wish I was in a different world. A place where I�m not me so much as� just someone different, I guess. Or maybe I just want a change of scenery. Whatever it is, I want it. An alternative world, something different to what I have right now. It gets tedious living here all the time, and I know I can�t be the only one feeling it. There�s something in the air that seems to tell most of us it�s time for a change, and although we effect these changes clumsily, we are nevertheless those who are going through the motions of creating something different. Are things going to turn out the way we want them to? I doubt it. I just hope whatever these changes are, we can be strong enough to deal with them.�
Jake raised her eyebrows as Will passed her with barely a cursory nod, the scowl on his face about a mile long. She wondered if she had done something wrong but quickly figured that it was probably just the simple trauma of living with Ryder Forrest. Smoothing her hair down, she stopped at the end of the corridor and knocked on the dorm door beside her own.
A moment later it opened to reveal Hamilton Fleming stifling a yawn, eyes heavy-lidded with sleep. However, he was already dressed, and he smiled as he saw Jake at the door.
� Morning,� she grinned at him, quickly kissing him on the cheek.
He kissed her back, on the lips. � Good morning to you too.�
�Ready to go to breakfast?� She asked.
�Yeah, let�s go.� He agreed, �I�m starving.� Checking his watch, he added, �I�ve got to show this new kid around. He just arrived yesterday and I�m supposed to take him to classes and stuff.�
�Is he staying?� She asked. Summer Session usually saw many kids coming to Rawley to experience the school for a few days before making up their mind whether to enrol for fall semester.
He shrugged, �Dunno. I think he�s just here for a few days. Do you want to tag along? I don�t think he�ll mind.�
�Sure,� she smiled at her boyfriend. Linking hands, they shared a smile and headed down the corridor. The door lay opened behind them, revealing two unmade beds and a messy dorm room as befit two teenage boys.
Goodnight, the truth has come out
That everyone's needy
White teeth, a ticket to meet God and
Be all that you envy
The shotgun under your bed has started breathing
You shot it, you shot it
I'm bare, I'm bare�
Scout Calhoun stood at the foot of one of the beds, looking down at the tangle of sheets. He reached over with the aim of making up the bed, but he had barely begun the task when he dropped the sheets from his hands and sank down on the bed, trailing a hand aimlessly over the headboard.
He sighed softly. And then, as though amazed by the sound, sighed again. Running a hand through his hair, he noticed that it was getting long. Not that it really mattered. Nothing really mattered these days, feeling as though he lived inside a bubble.
Hey, is anybody home?
Has anybody wasted tears on the loneliness that everyone becomes?
Is anybody alone?
Has anybody painted fear on the bedroom walls that save us from�
And hey, is anybody home?
Has anybody wasted tears on the loneliness that everyone becomes
When they�re not all right?
Faye Archer was running late, and in the process of stuffing half a bagel in her mouth as she ran to the door. No time for breakfast, as it would seem. Considering that Summer Session was supposed to be fun learning, these early starts sure made it a lot harder to think in that frame of mind. Her roommate had already left for class, and Faye cursed out loud when she accidentally dropped the bagel. Looks like there will be no breakfast this morning then. She picked it up, tossed it on the dresser, swore again, ran out the door, and ran straight into Josh Sutherland.
�What the� what are you doing here?� she demanded, surprised.
He wouldn�t look at her, and placed a hand on her shoulder, sending her firmly backwards and into the room again. �Is your roommate in?� he demanded, his voice quavering.
�No, she�s gone to class,� she replied, alarmed, �What�s going on?�
He stumbled into the room after her, and leaned back on the door, slamming it shut. She took the few seconds to look him over, and to her concern saw that he was dishevelled and pale as a ghost. Clad all in black, a thin wool sweater clung to his frail frame, emphasizing the vague outline of his ribs.
She stepped toward him and raised a hand to touch his shoulder, which was trembling slightly. �God, what happened?�
For the first time he looked straight at her, the dark hollows circling his eyes making the aquamarine depths seem more waiflike than ever. And as Faye watched, he burst into tears.
Hey, is anybody home?
Has anybody wasted tears on the loneliness that everyone becomes?
Is anybody alone?
Has anybody painted fear on the bedroom walls that everyone becomes�
Becomes�
Becomes�
The loneliness that everyone becomes�
Part 2
*Opening credits and theme song*
Faye and Paige�s room
�Josh, what the hell is going on?� Faye demanded, panicking. He merely shook his head and continued sobbing, rubbing his eyes fiercely in a mixture of anguish and embarrassment. She offered him a box of Kleenex that she kept by the dresser, and he took it without a word. Glancing at her through a haze of tears, he dabbed at his eyes furiously. �Everything�� he started to choke out, �everything is� falling apart��
�What do you mean, everything?� She asked, leading him gently to sit down on her blow-up armchair, �What�s going on? Don�t scare me like this.�
He merely shook his head, took in another shuddering gulp of air, and continued to cry.
She looked at him, her expression a mixture of worry and powerlessness. Without a word she leaned over and pulled him into her arms, hoping to convey some sort of comfort. He sank into the embrace, his slight frame racking with sobs.
***
Boys� Common Room
The blond boy sitting on the couch looked up expectantly as Jake and Hamilton entered. �Dexter, my man,� Hamilton called cheerfully, �time to go to class.�
The boy fumbled with the book bag down by his feet, �Uh, hi Hamilton,� he said, standing up quickly. Jake raised her eyebrows. It has been a while since she saw anybody in one of those sweater-vest things.
Looking ill at ease, the boy pushed his horn-rimmed glasses up his nose. �This is Jake,� Hamilton introduced them, �Jake, this is Dexter Darcy.�
Jake shot a quick but incredulous look in Hamilton�s direction first. Dexter Darcy? Sounds like something straight out of a Jane Austen novel. Quickly recovering herself, she grinned at the other boy, �Hey, checking out the school?�
�Yeah, I�m just here for a couple of days.� Dexter said shyly, �You can call me Dex.�
�All right, Dex. Let�s see what you have first period.� Hamilton leaned over to take a look at the timetable Dexter held in his hands. �Computer studies with Peterson. That�s right down the hall.� He headed toward the door, beckoning for the others to follow.
�You into computers?� Jake asked Dex as they walked down the hall.
�Yeah,� he said enthusiastically. �My parents aren�t around much so I spend most of my time fooling around with programs and stuff.�
�Well, I hate to tell you,� Jake smiled, �But Peterson�s class is going to be a huge waste of time. He teaches as though it�s the first time anyone�s heard of DOS. If you�re looking for pointers, that class isn�t the place to go.�
Dexter looked disappointed, �Oh.� Sneaking a look at Jake, he said, �I just thought��
�Rawley would have some decent computer science teachers?� Jake laughed, �Believe me, I know what you mean. When I first got here I was just like �does anyone else even know what an operating system is?��
�Well, maybe we can hang out sometime,� Dexter suggested hopefully.
Hamilton glanced at Jake with a vaguely jealous expression. She noticed that, and grinned at him with a little roll of the eyes. Boyfriends. �Yeah, maybe later,� she said to Dexter.
***
Carson
Donna Banks ran a small but successful florist�s shop in downtown Carson. Bella � having invited herself to her mother�s place � felt more or less obliged to help out wherever she could, which was why she was often found in the shop these days. She was a fast learner and, given that she had been dealing with customers all her life at the gas station, Donna often left her in charge of the shop while she took a few hours� break.
Bella didn�t mind. It was a great change of scenery, and working amongst flowers was, unsurprisingly, a lot more pleasant than being immersed in the smell of petrol every day.
She had just finished watering some of the potted ferns when she noticed a tall boy standing awkwardly in the doorway. She had seen him in the shop earlier, and as before, he was wearing an entirely baffled expression. Walking toward him, she smiled, �Can I help you?�
He glanced at her, startled, �Uh, um� Sorry, what?�
�Sorry,� she grinned, noticing that he had the same short, sandy-coloured hair that Sean had, but he looked slightly older, as well as having a taller and slimmer build. A pair of wire-rim glasses gave him a sweet, bookish aura. �Can I help you with anything?�
He looked disconcerted for a moment, and then smiled, �I�m looking for some flowers to give to a girl.�
�What sort of flowers are you thinking of getting?� Bella asked, �Is this for a girlfriend?�
He smiled again, the sunlight catching the lens of his glasses and casting his hazel eyes with flecks of gold. �Presently she�s not my girlfriend.�
She laughed, �I take it that the flowers are a way to change her mind?�
He grinned, �You could say that.�
�Well, do you have any idea what she might like?� Bella asked, scrutinizing the array of fresh blossoms which lined the walls, �As you can see, we have a lot of choice here. Does she seem like an old-fashioned kind of girl? I�m going to go with a traditionally boring suggestion and say roses.�
He grinned and scratched his head, �I think roses might be pushing my luck. I don�t know her that well.�
She laughed, �I getcha. So�� she peered around the shop, �Something more of a friendly gesture?� She pointed to a bunch of daisies adorning a vase by the door, �These are nice.�
He walked over and peered at the delicate blossoms, �They look nice.�
�Daisies are my favourite at this time of year,� she told him cheerfully, � they are plain and simple� but so full of life and beauty.�
He turned and smiled, �That sounds lovely. I�ll take these.�
�Great,� she grinned, noticing how childlike his grin was, �I�ll wrap them up for you.�
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, computer suite
�Class Couple?� Will asked incredulously, �Who wants to see that in the summer book?�
�I would,� Anita Simons said defensively, �and I�m sure lots of people would think it�s fun.�
�No offence, Anita, but don�t you think it�s a bit�� said Will, glancing around at the Summer Book staff. Yet another staff meeting for the Summer Book, which at the moment could either turn out to be quite a satisfactory keepsake for all at Summer Session, or � more likely � a complete disaster.
�A bit what?� She scowled at him. �Heaps of yearbooks do it, so why can�t we?�
�Don�t you think it�s so� I don�t know�� he shrugged, �tabloid-y?�
�What�s the big deal?� Chris Hanson asked, �This is just supposed to be fun.�
Will glanced back, surprised, �You guys like the idea?�
�Yeah, why not,� another guy shrugged, �I think everyone would like it if they could vote and have a say on something.�
Will still didn�t look convinced. �Well�� he said reluctantly, �if Anita organises everything, I guess there�s no reason why we can�t do it.�
***
Rawley Boys� Academy, common room
�I don�t understand why you have to make me watch this!� Hamilton whined, �I�m not stopping you from watching it but why do I have to watch this soppy crap?�
�Because it�s a good film,� Jake said matter-of-factly, holding up the DVD case of Life As A House. �And after this we�re going to watch The Shipping News. I�ve seen lots of reviews about both and I haven�t seen either.�
�That doesn�t answer my question,� he complained again as she pressed �play� on the remote control. �This is boring, coming of age stuff. You know I hate those kind of movies.�
�Tough,� she said, settling into the couch with a smirk, �you said I could pick out the movies we watch today.�
�Well, next time I get to choose.� He grumbled.
�Of course,� she grinned at him, linking her fingers through his, �next time.�
They were perhaps quarter of an hour into the film when Ryder poked his head into the Common Room. �What�s this?� he smirked, �don�t tell me you boys are actually watching this stupid American tripe.�
�No one asked for your opinion, Ryder.� Jake said wearily.
Hamilton had his arm around her shoulders and she was leaning comfortably against him. Ryder narrowed his eyes at them, �Do you mind? What are we, auditioning now for the American version of Queer As Folk?�
Jake chuckled, �It�s a pretty lame insult even coming from you, Ryder.�
Ryder glared at her. Hamilton grinned, �Speaking of Queer As Folk, you know Ryder, I heard the British version are running auditions for the sequel.�
The blond Briton raised an eyebrow, �So?�
Hamilton shrugged innocently, �I was just thinking.� Turning to Jake with a devious grin, he kept his eyes on Ryder, �You know, I think you�ll be perfect as one of the leads � the young, blond bastard.�
Jake burst out laughing. Ryder glared at them both, but before he could say anything, Hamilton jumped in, �Come on, Ryder, you know that part�s made for you.�
�Just a suggestion, Ryder.� Hamilton said airily, turning back to the television screen and giving Jake a sideways smile.
Part 3
Carson
Bella had hardly opened the shop when the tall guy who�d bought daisies yesterday came striding in, a backpack slung over one shoulder. Stopping at the counter, he smiled and nodded by way of a greeting, but seemed ill at ease as though he didn�t know what to do with his six-foot frame in the tiny shop.
�Hey, good to see you again,� Bella grinned, �How did the flowers go yesterday?�
�Uh�� to her amusement he flushed crimson, �I sort of� uh, chickened out.�
�Chickened out?� She looked up at him, �How?�
He shuffled from one foot to another, self-consciously readjusting his glasses, �Let�s just say I didn�t actually get around to giving her the flowers.�
�Oh, that�s too bad,� she was taken aback, �So��
�So��he cleared his throat, �I think I want to try again today.� As an afterthought he added, �Uh, with more flowers.�
�Good for you,� she grinned, �you feel up to it today?�
He took a deep breath, �I sure hope so.�
She nodded encouragingly, �I�m sure you can do it. It�s a lovely thing to do, by the way. Any girl should be flattered.�
�Yeah?� He smiled, �That�s nice of you to say. I don�t really know much about girls. I mean, uh,� he flushed again, �I don�t� um.�
She chuckled at his embarrassment, �I don�t think any guy really has any clue about how girls function. You�re just smart enough to realise and brave enough to admit it.�
He grinned bashfully, �Thanks� I think.�
�That was supposed to be a compliment.� She grinned.
�Right,� he nodded, looking adorably unsure of himself. �Right,� he repeated, taking out his wallet, �I�ll just� uh, pay for the flowers.�
�Of course,� she smiled warmly, �I�ll get them for you. Daisies again?�
He nodded, waiting patiently while she wrapped another bunch of daisies up in brightly-coloured tissue paper. �Here you go,� she handed him the bouquet, taking the money that he slid over the counter. �See you, and good luck,� she told him with a bright smile.
As he had given her the exact change, Bella expected the boy to leave the shop, which she thought he did until she finished putting the money away in the register and double-checked the receipt. Turning, she gave a startled yelp when she saw that he was still standing there, still looking awkward with the daisies in his arms. �Argh!� She exclaimed, �What are you still doing here? I mean�� she tried again, realising how abrupt she sounded, �I thought you�d left.�
He smiled, using one hand to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Shaking his head slightly, he silently handed the bunch of daisies back to her. �These are for you,� he said, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks.
***
Faye and Paige�s room
�Hey, you�ll never guess what Mrs Taylor said in class today�� Paige Bennett let herself into the room, letting her armful of books spill onto her bed, �she actually walked up to Caroline and��
�Shh!� Faye shushed her from her seat on the blow-up armchair. Paige stopped in mid-sentence, and it was only then that she saw Josh�s sleeping form on her roommate�s bed. �Oh, sorry,� she whispered, �I didn�t realise someone else was in here.�
Josh stirred slightly, strands of dark hair falling across his pale, withdrawn face. Long eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones, he seemed troubled even in the ether, where sleep ought to cure everything for a little while.
�He just came back from Boston,� Faye explained in a soft voice, �He�s had a hard time there and he�s exhausted. I�m just letting him rest for a while.�
�I won�t disturb you,� Paige whispered, quickly gathering some texts from her bookshelf, �I need to get to my next class anyway.�
�See you,� Faye said absently as the other girl let herself out. Turning back to Josh, she sighed as he stirred again, emitting a small sound not unlike a whimper, and fell silent again. Tearstains were still evident in the corners of his red, slightly swollen eyes. He looked like he hadn�t slept properly in weeks.
A series of loud knocks resounded on the door and Josh started, flinging a hand across his forehead with a pitiful groan. Irritated, Faye stood up and strode to the door, opening it angrily. �What?� She demanded.
Scout stood in the doorway, and recoiled at her livid tone. �Wanna go to lunch?� he asked, �I�ve got a free period.�
�Shh,� Faye pushed him out into the hallway, �Be quiet. Josh is here.�
�Josh is here?� He repeated, not sounding altogether pleased. �Why?�
�He�s� run into some� difficulties in Boston.� Faye explained carefully. �He�s sleeping, and really needs some looking after right now. I can�t come out.�
�It�s just an hour or so, Faye,� he said, �I haven�t seen you for ages. Can�t we just grab something from the cafeteria�?�
�Faye?� Josh�s sleepy voice emitted from behind the half-closed door, �Where are you?�
�I�m sorry Scout,� she said hurriedly, throwing a glance back at her closed door, �I�ve got to��
�But�� he grabbed hold of her hand, �Faye, you said he�s sleeping. Can�t you spare any time for me? What�s going on here?�
�What is this, CSI?� She demanded crossly, �You can see I can�t leave him, Scout! I�m sorry we can�t do lunch but I�ll see you later! He really needs me now.�
He glared at her, �Sorting out your priorities?�
�That�s not it!� She sighed in exasperation, �He needs me!� From inside the room the intro of a song could be heard, Josh had evidently gotten up and put a CD into the stereo. It was Placebo�s �Pure Morning�.
Faye glared, �Now look what you�ve done, you woke him up!�
�Well, I�m so sorry for upsetting dear little Joshie�s beauty sleep,� he retorted with heavy sarcasm, �why don�t you just say it, Faye? He�s so much more important that me and he always will be. No matter how you manage to put it, it�s always the same, every time.�
She glowered, �if you insist on thinking in this way, I don�t know what I can do to change your mind. You know what? At the moment he is more important than you, because he needs me and I really can�t be bothered dealing with you now. I�ll see you later, Scout.�
Swirling and striding back into her room, she slammed the door in his face.
A friend in need�s a friend indeed
A friend with weed is better
A friend with breasts and all the rest
A friend dressed in leather�
For a moment he stood in front of the closed door, stunned into motionlessness.
***
Faye leaned back against the door, closing her eyes and heaving a huge sigh of annoyance.
Josh looked up from his sitting position on the bed, halfway through a cigarette. �Was that Scout?� he asked, politely but distantly.
She eyed the cigarette with distaste, but decided against her usual tactic of grab-and-throw-out-the-window. He looked as though he could really use something to calm his nerves. �Yeah,� she replied curtly, walking back toward the bed and sitting down on its edge. �You feeling better?�
He managed a small smile. �Not really.�
A friend in need is a friend indeed
A friend who�ll tease is better
Our thoughts compressed which makes us blessed
And makes for stormy weather�
She watched him carefully. He turned away and got up, pretending to interest himself by looking around the room. �Who�s your roommate?� he asked.
�This girl called Paige,� she answered, �she came here last summer, and dated Scout of all people, would you believe.�
He smiled faintly, looking at Paige�s neat side of the room. His gaze travelled over the powder-blue bedspread and settled on the stereo system. He wrinkled his nose as he recognised the album sitting atop the speakers. �Avril Lavigne?�
�Tell me about it,� she rolled her eyes, �I made her promise never to play that CD when I�m in the room.�
�Thank god for that,� he chuckled softly, inhaling deeply on the cigarette. �I can�t think of anyone in recent pop history who I�ve hated more.�
A friend in need�s a friend indeed
My Japanese is better
And when she's pressed she will undress
And then she's boxing clever�
�I so know what you mean,� Faye sighed, �it�s just the pretence that gets me, you know? Trying to pass herself off as �punk rock�. It�s just like, hello? If she is a rock chick, I�d sure as hell like to know what Kittie are labeled. She�s a sorry excuse for teeny-boppers who want to think themselves as �hard� but are really too far sunk in bubblegum pop to appreciate anything resembling real rock.�
He cracked a smile, �Exactly. They try to make her over in the media as though dressing her up in wallet chains, spiked cuffs, and shoving a guitar in her hand is going to just magically transform her from pop princess to Riot Grrl.� He exhaled, watching smoke fog up the air in front of his face. Catching Faye�s look of distaste, he walked over to the window and opened it, letting a breath of fresh air through.
�Did you ever see that video for her debut single? She plays like one chord, then smashes the gorgeous guitar to pieces. I nearly cried.� He shook his head in disgusted disbelief, leaning his elbows on the windowsill. �I mean, god. A shiny new black Gibson-fucking-Les Paul which she completely destroys just so she could look like a rock chick.� Turning around, he frowned at the petite singer who graced the album cover, �I�d pay good money to see a real rock chick� Courtney Love, maybe� beat the hell out of her.�
�She can probably play all of three chords and they call her a �musician�,� she laughed, �I had a look at the liner notes � did you know all the songs are apparently co-written by her?�
�Uh,� he rolled his eyes, �not exactly hard work here. She doesn�t have to write any of the music, so all she has to do is vomit up garbage like �they had a problem with his baggy clothes� and they can legally call her a co-writer. I mean, how the hell do you even call that lyrics? Or, the infamous �he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious�? Well, she obviously can�t make it any less juvenile, could she? There�s a reason why pop stars don�t write their own lyrics. It�s such a bunch of crap,� his expression darkened, �just like the rest of the music industry.�
Faye looked at him, startled, �how so?�
He merely shrugged, walking back to her bed and sitting down again.
A friend in need�s a friend indeed
A friend who bleeds is better
My friend confessed she passed the test
And we will never sever�
�Are things with the band�� she struggled for the best way to say things tactfully, �� not going well?�
�It�s going well enough.� he uttered a short, bitter laugh, toying with the bedspread. �I heard a quote just the other day, which pretty much sums up what I�ve found out this summer.�
�What is it?� She asked.
He took another drag so as he spoke the smoke fogged up her vision of him, white and indistinct, almost ghostlike. ��The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs���
She whistled through her teeth, �Cynical.�
�Wait, I�m not finished,� he looked at her with a small, sardonic smile. ���There�s also a negative side.��
Day's dawning, skin�s crawling
Day's dawning, skin�s crawling�
Pure morning, pure morning�
Pure morning, pure morning�
She looked at him, concerned. �Josh� what are things like in Boston? Wanna tell me what�s going on?�
He looked down, dark eyelashes fluttering against the porcelain-white of his skin. �Not really,� he said again, chewing on his lower lip.
She didn�t press the subject. �Well, you want something to eat then?�
He didn�t look up, shaking his head. �No, thank you.�
Her eyes narrowed as she stared at him, �You know, you�re looking pretty skinny. Haven�t you been eating properly?�
�I have,� he said defensively. �I don�t understand why everyone keeps saying that. I haven�t been getting thin at all, it�s such a pain that everyone keeps saying it.�
�I was just commenting,� she replied, startled by his sharp response.
Day's dawning, skin�s crawling
Day's dawning, skin�s crawling�
Pure morning, pure morning�
Pure morning, pure morning�
***
Classroom
�Bret Easton Ellis,� said Finn, slapping copies of The Informers down on his students� desks. �As those who have read him would testify, not exactly tea-time reading. But he does provide a lot of interesting insight into contemporary American society, so we�ll be having a special study on this author. Apart from The Informers, which is mandatory, you each must read two more of his novels, which you yourselves can pick; there are enough copies in the school library so long as you sign up on the lists provided. We�ll also be seeing a film that was adapted from one of his novels.�
�Is it going to be American Psycho?� Hamilton asked hopefully.
Finn laughed, �Nice try, Mr Fleming. As your English teacher I�m not exactly welcoming the thought of showing Mr Ellis� most graphic work to a high school class full of kids under the restricted age. No, we�ll be seeing Rules of Attraction in Carson in about a week�s time. It would be interesting if some of you choose to read this novel for your project.� He winked, �I think you�ll find I give generous grades for well-written essays on book to film adaptation.�
***
Rawley Boys� Academy
�I still don�t think it�s a good idea,� Will complained as he walked down the hall with Scout. �Anita just keeps coming up with these inane things to stuff up the Summer Book. It�s going to turn into, like, Cosmo Girl by the time it gets to the printers.�
It was clear that Scout was only half listening, if that. �Huh,� he said absently.
�Well,� Will turned to him, �if you can�t beat �em� you think Faye might be interested in something like this? Class Couple�� he mused, �girls are into that sort of stuff.�
�At the rate things are going,� Scout said sombrely, �we won�t even be a couple by the time the book comes out.�
�Huh?� Will stared at him in surprise, �What�s up? You guys had a fight or something?�
Scout didn�t answer. After a few moments spent walking in silence, he said sullenly, �Josh is here.�
�Oh,� Will said, and then, �God, not this again, Scout.�
�What do you mean, not this again?� Scout was defensive. �I�m jealous, I admit it. But this has been going for so long that, if I really had nothing to worry about, I wouldn�t worry about it.�
�Really?� Will glanced at him, �cos it looks to me like she�s been reassuring you since day one there�s nothing between them, but you�re never satisfied with this answer.�
Scout sighed, not responding to Will�s observation. �And he screwed up again, evidently. God, sometimes I really wish� I really wish he�s normal, you know?�
Will looked as though he wanted to say something, but thought the better of it. Scout didn�t notice. A minute later, having had some sort of inner debate on whether to pursue this issue any further, Will said carefully, �You never seem to be happy when Josh is around.�
�That�s cos Faye�s never around when he is.� The other boy replied with a slight downturn of his lips. �And I�ve tried to break them apart enough times to realise it can�t be done.�
�Does that bother you?� Will asked. When Scout threw him an incredulous look he rephrased, �I mean, like a lot.�
�Yeah,� Scout said without thinking about it, then again, slower, �Yeah�� Shadows flitted across his clear blue eyes.
Part 4
Will and Ryder�s room
�Come in,� Will said to Scout, standing outside his dorm room, �I�ll show you some of the pages we�ve done for the Summer Book.� It�ll take your mind off Faye, he added silently, but didn�t dare say it out loud. He was just about to open the door when he stopped short. �You�ve got to be kidding,� he said quietly, narrowing his eyes, �it�s three o�clock in the afternoon!�
�What�s going on?� Scout edged up past him and eyed the navy blue article wrapped around the door handle. �What�s that?�
�A scrunchie,� Will said, crossing his arms over his chest. �It�s Ryder�s �code�. It means he�s having sex.�
Scout raised an eyebrow. Will sighed, exasperated with his roommate. �You know what? I don�t care if he�s having sex in there or not. I�ve had a hard day and I just want to go and relax in my own room, is that a crime?� He pounded on the door. �Ryder!� He yelled, �open up, Ryder!�
A series of muffled sounds followed, including the sound of a girl�s surprised yelp. Then Ryder�s unmistakable Cockney could be heard, tinged with more than just a little bit of annoyance, �I�m in here with a lady, William.�
�You know what? I don�t really care.� Will yelled at the door, �So just get dressed, get the hell out and go somewhere else to do it, this is my room too!�
�Bugger off, Krudski.� Was the only reply. And no matter how hard Will banged on the door afterwards, he was only met with silence and the occasional giggle. He slumped against the door, defeated.
�Why don�t you just open it and kick them out?� Suggested Scout.
Will looked at him, disgusted. �And risk seeing Ryder in his full and sordid debauchery? No thanks, I think I have a higher chance of death in that encounter than a support character in an episode of The X-Files.�
***
Faye and Paige�s room
The silence in the room pressed down heavily, leading to a feeling in Faye�s chest not unlike suffocation. She kept glancing back at Josh, who sat on the bed, motionless. His jet-black hair fell like silky blinds around his face, obscuring his features so that only the curve of his jawline could be seen. The light of the setting sun from outside painted him with deep, burnished gold, and he was silent.
She sighed. �I hate this.�
He looked up at her for a moment before looking down again, twisting his hands in his lap. His voice trembled, �I�m sorry.�
�Why can�t you tell me what�s wrong?� She demanded, �I can�t� I don�t know how to talk to you if you shut me out.�
He looked up again, his eyes filling up with tears.
�Hell, Josh.� She couldn�t help looking away herself, sniffling. �What�s going on? Just tell me.�
�I can�t.� He said, pitifully.
�Fine, you know what?� She stood up abruptly, sticking her hands in her pockets, �then I�ll find you someone who you could talk to.� She began striding purposefully toward the door.
�Wait�� he called after her, his eyes growing wide, �where are you going?�
�I�m getting Ryder,� she replied matter-of-factly, �Maybe he�d get you to open up better than I can.�
He turned white, �No� please� Faye��
She whirled around, her hair stirring and settling about her shoulders like a sudden flare of sunlight. �Then tell me what�s happening!�
He looked at her, his blue-green eyes seemingly translucent with a shimmering coating of unshed tears. Without another word he got off the bed and walked to the window, his bare feet making no sound on the plush carpet.
She leaned back against the door, crossing her arms over her chest. A moment later she changed her mind, and walked over to join him at the window. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she sighed, and stayed silent.
He was looking at the figure of a couple sitting in the quad. It was Jake and Hamilton. He was lying face-up across one of the benches, head comfortably resting in her lap; She sat watching the passers-by, one hand carelessly entangling itself in his dark hair.
�Those two are so happy that it�s disgusting.� Josh remarked, the tone of his voice anything but disgusted. He watched Jake and Hamilton, his eyes strangely bright, �To have someone like that� somebody who fits you so perfectly you can�t even begin to imagine what life would be without them��
The setting sun was shining so brightly that Faye could not bear to look out the window. She turned her head, and scrutinised him instead.
He was pale. Granted, he had always been pale, and extraordinarily proud of the fact; but this was different. He was so white that he looked fevered, sickly� haunted.
Haunted. But by what she did not know, and felt powerless in trying to find out.
He did not return her gaze, preferring instead to stare straight into the sun. His voice, when he finally spoke, seemed to come from a place deeply buried within himself, a place so dark and distant that even she could not reach.
�Malcolm told me he loves me.�
*Coldplay�s �In My Place� begins to play*
Her first instinct was to smile. She had taken a liking to Josh�s softly-spoken boyfriend of a few months, encouraging the relationship in any way that she could. But another look at him, and she faltered. He had closed his eyes to the glare of the evening sun, a small tear glimmering in the corner of his eye.
�What did you say back to him?� She asked quietly.
He uttered a short laugh, the sound could almost be counted as �embarrassed� if he had cared any more. But his voice lacked any real warmth so the laugh, in the end, only emitted melancholy and little else. Perhaps a trace of scorn, the brunt of which was directed firmly at himself.
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah�
I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah�
�Let me try to remember my exact words,� he said, staring into the sun again. His irises were crystalline aquamarine tinged with gold, and his pupils shrank to the size of pinpoints, yet he continued to look, unflinching. �I said, �Erm� thanks� I mean, okay��� He trailed off.
She sighed again, loudly this time. �Oh, Josh,� was all that she could muster.
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Oh, for him�
�And then I just turned around and left.� He continued, �I couldn�t bear to stay and cope with that look on his face. I can�t�� A tear rolled down his cheek and he hastily wiped it away with his shirtsleeve, shivering a little although he was showered in the golden sun. �I just jumped in my car, screw all my plans, and came all the way back. I don�t think anyone in Boston knows where I am, I didn�t call, I didn�t tell them, I just� left.�
He fell silent, but after a moment repeated, �I came back.�
I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under-prepared
But I wait for it�
If you go, if you go
You leave me down here on my own
Well I wait for you, yeah�
She swallowed, trying to get rid of the rising lump in her throat. �Why did you come back, Josh?�
He turned to look at her. His eyes, unaccustomed to the change in brightness, seemed almost opaque. He couldn�t see her behind the red and gold afterimages dancing in front of him, a brief reminder of the sun.
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Oh, for him, yeah�
�The moment he told me,� his voice was scarcely more than a whisper, �I realised something. I guess in some part of me I had always known it, but I didn�t� didn�t realise��
She didn�t speak, waiting for him to go on. He was framed by a halo of golden light behind him, so lovely that she could hardly bear to look at him. He shone with desolation, made more poignant because she was sure she knew what he was about to say. After this many years and countless entanglements, they were about to return to the beginning. All that remained were the words yet unsaid.
He closed his eyes and swallowed, emotion descending over his fine features like a veil woven from anguish and despair. �I thought I could� after all these years� so many people I�ve been with� maybe I could��
Tears were falling freely now, streaming out from behind his lowered eyelids and carving their shining paths over his cheekbones. He took no notice of them. �I can�t love him,� he choked out, �I can�t love any of them. I tried and I tried and I thought maybe this time I could really love somebody who loves me, but��
Please, please, please
Come on and sing to me
To me, me�
Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it�
�I have nothing else to give.� His eyes fluttered open, �in this lifetime I�ve only ever fallen in love with one person, and I�ve never�� he turned away from her as he raised his trembling hands to his face.
With surprise she realised that she too, had started to cry. �Oh, Josh�� she whispered, reaching out to cradle his trembling form in her arms. What was she crying for? What was he crying for? That he�d finally come to this realisation after five long years of separation and denial? Or that it seemed hopeless even as he said those words, they both knew in their hearts that his love was doomed right from the outset, because�
He sank into her embrace, sobbing out loud. �I�ve never stopped� I never stopped loving him, Faye, I never stopped��
And as she hugged him she realised that was all she could do, this respite from the harsh truth that could not bear being concealed. He loved Ryder. Ryder.
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah�
***
Carson movie theatre
The billboard above the old-fashioned theatre announced that the movie shown was a newly-released summer hit named Blue Crush. As it was Saturday night, the theatre was crowded as people surged out of the doors after a screening.
Bella and the tall guy let themselves be carried along the torrent of people, and it wasn�t until they were a fair way away from the cinema doors and walking down the sidewalks of Main Street, before they could hear each other talk.
�So�� the guy said slowly, �I�ve so far found out your name is Bella, you don�t live in Carson normally, you don�t usually go out on dates with strangers, and you are passionate about��he grinned, �fixing cars.�
�What?� Bella smiled, �It�s my kind of work. I think it�s very lucky I could make money doing something I enjoy.�
�That�s true,� he agreed, sticking his hands in his pockets, �And as for the dates with strangers part�� he glanced at her, �What made you decide to give me the time of day?�
�Well, you provided healthy revenue for our shop two days in a row,� she replied with a straight face, �I feel like I should repay you somehow.�
He laughed, �Truly what every guy wants to hear.�
The two of them headed down the street, not going anywhere in particular and enjoying the warm, breezy night air. �As for what I know about you,� Bella said, �Your name is David, you are a second-year film major in NYU, and you�re staying here at your friend�s place over summer.� She glanced at him, �That�s��
He shrugged and smiled, �That�s pretty generic where self-descriptions are concerned, I know. All through the movie I�ve been trying to think up little interesting things to tell you about myself, but�� he shrugged again, ducking his head and smiling, �What can I say? I couldn�t come up with anything.�
�Yeah, right,� she giggled, �Weren�t you paying attention to the movie at all?�
He laughed, watching his feet, �What can I say? It�s good to get down with a fun, mindless, plotless summer thing now and again, but face it, it isn�t going to do particularly well at Cannes.�
She smiled, �Spoken like a true film student. In your spare time you�ll be watching films I�d never have heard in a million years. Probably with a director whose name no one can pronounce and meanings that fly over everyone�s heads.�
He laughed, �God, it sounds so pretentious when you put it like that. Which it is, I suppose.�
�But doesn�t it get tiring once in a while?� She asked him, �Don�t you get the urge just to drop all the heavy stuff and go see nothing but� I don�t know, Disney for a whole month?�
He looked thoughtful, �I don�t know, it�s been so long since I sat down to watch a kids� movie.�
�We�ll have to have a vid fest sometime,� she said cheerfully, �There�s really nothing better than Disney animation to bring all these childhood memories back.�
He grinned, �I take that I haven�t made that bad an impression if you�re inviting me to do something later.�
She tugged on her hair with a smile, �Well, you obviously need to be re-educated on the ways of Disney. It�s a big deficiency.�
�Of course,� he chuckled out loud, �Bella?�
She glanced at him, catching his eye as he gazed down at her. Although she wasn�t short, he towered over her by at least half a head. He smiled as he caught her eye, and she looked away quickly, blushing. �Yeah?�
�Why did you decide to accept the invitation of a stranger?� He asked.
She shrugged, �I dunno. I guess the old me wouldn�t have done it, which is exactly why I�m doing it now.�
�The old you?� He repeated, �I sense a story here.�
She smiled and shrugged, �Well, there is; and there isn�t. I don�t think I should bore you with the details.�
He nodded. She expected him to push the issue further, and was pleasantly surprised when he stayed quiet and walked beside her, looking up at the night sky. Having left the centre of town, they were now sauntering along a wide footpath in one of the neighbouring suburbs.
She glanced up, �What are you staring at?�
�The sky,� he said quite simply, not removing his eyes from the clear, starry night above their heads. Not many trees obscured the view, and he smiled as his gaze slowly travelled across their field of vision, �Isn�t it beautiful?�
She watched him, �You really enjoy the little things, don�t you.� She did not bother to phrase this sentence into a question, the answer seemed evident enough.
He removed his gaze from the sky and instead trained them on her, his eyes a dark green in the light. �Please don�t say that,� he said seriously, �it makes me sound so pretentious and I don�t ever want that.�
�Pretentiousness?� She asked, �or just giving off the impression of being?�
�Both,� he laughed, �I hate looking like a wanker and I hate being one. Unfortunately, both seem to hold true in my case.�
She was quiet for a moment, �There�s a very fine line between integrity and pretentiousness. You wouldn�t think so, but there is.�
He looked back at her, surprised, �Can you say anything more on that? I�m not sure I understand.�
She shrugged, �Let�s put it this way: I have a friend who is� probably one of the most true-to-himself people that I know. But at the same time, being true to himself requires that he sometimes think and do things that other people might not even dream of doing.� She stuck her hands in her pockets as she kept walking, �Let�s just say� he�s an analyst by nature. He tries very hard to categorize and find meaning in the things that happen to us, even when there might not be anything ultimately. That�s just how he is, he has to look for meaning regardless of whether there is any. And that makes him quite pretentious in many senses, but it�s in his own nature, at the same time.�
David was quiet for a while, looking down at his feet. �Do you agree with what he does? How you have to make things have meaning?�
�I don�t know,� absently she chewed on a strand of hair, �I want to. But there�s a difference between Will and me � he has to make everything fit. To have every event that happens fit nicely into a, I don�t know, some clear-cut Moral-of-the-Story. With him it�s easy to imagine we�re in a TV show or something, you know? With Will�s voiceover telling us the thematic significance in every episode.� She chuckled, �I�m suddenly struck by the validity of what I just said. What if we are in a teen show and we are the only ones who don�t know the truth? Like in Sophie�s World or The Truman Show. Tune in every week to see the amazing adventures of Bella Banks and her rich friends from Rawley!�
He smiled, �Why do I get the impression that you�re��
�Well, if there was a show of our lives, it�s so pointless it probably would never have made it past the first season,� she mumbled to herself, lost in thought. Turning back to him, she blinked, �What? Sorry, I�m what?�
He scrutinised her carefully, �Don�t be annoyed at me for saying this, but� you seem� bitter. Rawley�s where you�re from, right? I�ve heard of it but I�ve never been there.�
�Correction,� she said, �I�m not from Rawley, the school; I�m from New Rawley, the town that came with the school. More to the point, the town that services the school.�
�Ah,� he said, readjusting his glasses, �Evidently a touchy spot.�
�You can say that,� she answered. �I�m sorry, David, I know I�m boring you with all this stuff. I just needed to rant to somebody, I guess.�
�Rants are good. Therapeutic.� He glanced at her, �Can I wager a guess? Is that the reason why you�re here in Carson?�
She sighed, �Well, part of it, I guess. I dunno.�
He was silent for a moment, �� tired of seeing all the same faces, tired of being overlooked and sick of feeling like you�re running in circles.� He looked back at her, and the expression on her face made him laugh, �Hey, I grew up in a small town too, you know.�
She grinned, suddenly self-conscious.
***
Guest students� room
�Oh, my god.� Said Jake, staring google-eyed at the contraptions laid out all over the floor. �These are like, the coolest things I�ve seen, ever.�
�I can�t believe your dad is a spy,� Hamilton said in awe, picking things up at random, scrutinising them and putting them down again. �Hey� is it okay if we talk about him being a spy? Or is it like� secret agent stuff that we�re not supposed to know about? What does this do?� He looked quizzically at the small gadget he held in his hand.
�It�s okay,� smiled Dexter. �He�s not so much a spy than someone who, um, does paperwork for the CIA. Let me have a look�� he took the thing from Hamilton�s hand, �Oh, that�s a GPS-1 personal logger� you can put it in someone�s bag, download the information to a laptop or PC and it maps out where the person is and stuff.�
�That is, so, cool�� Hamilton murmured. �What, your dad just gives you this stuff to play with? Wicked.�
�Well, not exactly,� Dexter looked nervous, �It�s more of a loan type thing��
�Have you ever used them?� Hamilton asked, �like on real people?�
�Not really,� Dexter grinned with embarrassment. �Oh, except this one time when this guy I knew dragged me along to spy on his ex-girlfriend��
�People actually do that?� Jake raised her eyebrows. �What sort of sick person was he?� She shuddered, �It�s so voyeuristic.�
�I dunno,� Hamilton commented mildly, �A lot of people we know seem the type. Scout, for example. He�s the quintessential jealous boyfriend as far as I can see.�
�You think?� She wondered out loud.
�Absolutely.� He seemed sure of himself. �If Faye broke up with him today, you can be sure he�ll be stalking in the shadows on her first date with someone else.�
***
The diner
�I will not.� Scout said indignantly, much to Will�s amusement. �What sort of person do you think I am?�
�Funny, I always thought you were exactly the jealous boyfriend type,� commented Sean McGrail, who was sitting with them, �remind me again� who was it that didn�t speak to Will and Bella for like, half a year when they got together?�
�That�s ancient history, plus,� Scout replied tersely, sneaking a look at Will, �let�s not go there, okay? I�m not exactly in a mood to relieve my past romantic screw-ups.�
�Sorry,� Sean sipped his coke, �I just thought, since none of us are dating her � or even got a crush � anymore, it�s probably okay to talk about Bella again. I for one would like to know when she�s coming back, and why the hell she left in the first place.�
�I just can�t believe she took off without telling anybody,� Scout mused.
�When did she leave?� Sean asked.
�Right after the Regatta, apparently.� said Scout, �I didn�t even know until a couple days later, after Jake found out. She didn�t even tell Charlie anything, except she�s going to stay at her mom�s for some time.�
�But why did she go?� Sean persisted. �It isn�t like her to just leave the garage and take off.�
�Maybe because she�s getting sick of this place,� Will said quietly, breaking his prolonged silence. He pushed his milkshake away and stared blankly out the window. �I know I would be if I were stuck here all the time. Especially after��
He left the sentence unsaid, but the guys knew what he meant. For the past year Bella had danced between the three of them like a beautiful shadow that entangled around everyone�s hearts, but could never be touched. Will was the one who held onto her the longest, the �boyfriend� proper; but even he could not, in the end, manage to retain this glittering dream.
�Maybe she just needed some time by herself, some alternate way of living.� concluded Will, running a hand through his thick strawberry blond hair, �I wouldn�t mind some of that either, if I had the chance.�
�Some advice that Scout should really be listening to,� Sean piped up with a grin.
Scout scowled at him, �It�s different. Faye doesn�t need time by herself, she needs time with someone else.�
�But it�s Josh,� Will interjected.
�Everyone�s saying that like it�s an excuse!� Scout burst out, �WHY is Josh different from everyone else? If it�s any other guy no one will think it�s all right, but somehow he�s excused from the bunch? He�s taking up her time in the same way anyone else does! I�� he shook his head and banged his fist on the Formica tabletop, �I can�t stand it. It�s either him or me, I can�t do it otherwise.�
�Whoa, slow down man,� Sean looked at him with alarm, �don�t tell me you�re gonna make her choose.�
�Huh?� Scout looked up, a strange light glinting in his eyes, �do you think it might work?�
�God, no.� Will said emphatically, �Do NOT do that to Faye. I�m telling you, man, you�re gonna regret it if you do. She�s not a girl who�ll let you pressure her like this.�
Not looking convinced, Scout crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back on his seat, contemplative.
Part 5
Faye and Paige�s room
Neither Josh or Faye had bothered to put the lights on. The interior of the room was only illuminated by faint starlight. It was a surprisingly chilly night, and Josh sat huddled and shivering on the bed, despite having one of Faye�s long black coats wrapped firmly around him. He was smoking another cigarette. She lay back in her blow-up armchair, and made no attempt to stop him. Hell, given all the emotional intensity earlier, she could do with one herself.
He coughed, and snubbed the cigarette out. His voice was husky in the dark, �Things are going so much out of control and I have no idea how to stop it.�
�Yeah,� she sighed, �I know what you mean. It�s not just this either, is it? It�s everything. It�s� life.�
He glanced at her, �When did we� when did things get like this?�
�I don�t know,� she shrugged lightly, �this summer, I guess.� She laughed a little, self-mockingly. �Summer was never a good season for us.�
�No, it never was.� Cocking his head, he studied her carefully, �What about you? Control issues back in Rawley as well?�
She sighed but did not care to elaborate, �Yeah.�
�Scout, huh.� He didn�t bother phrasing that into a question. She didn�t bother to answer. They understood each other much better than to need words like these.
She could feel him scrutinising her in the dark, and after a few moments grew uncomfortable with the inspection. She stirred in her seat, �What are you thinking?�
He shifted uneasily, contemplating whether or not to say what was on his mind. His concern for his friend won over the potential tactlessness of the statement, and he said in a small voice, �You seem� miserable.�
She gave a start and looked toward him, surprised that he was being so upfront. �I�� she began to say, then lapsed into silence.
He looked away. In the dark his voice held a slight tremor. �I hate this,� he whispered, �what�s happening to us? It�s like our souls are being sucked up by this place and the people in it��
�That�s not true,� she protested even as her mind furiously processed this fact that he started to point out, �It�s not them��
He sighed, �Maybe not, but it doesn�t change anything. It�s like we don�t belong here at all, like we�re something foreign forced into an already established world.�
Knocking on the door shattered the silence that fell between them, and Ryder�s voice could be heard demanding through the wood panelling, �Faye, are you in there? Let me in.�
Josh gave a start on the bed, his eyes huge and luminous in the dark. �Please,� he pleaded as she got up and turned on the light, �don�t say anything to him��
She looked back at him, such a small and tired form there on the bed. He deserved somebody to take care of him, he deserved to go to sleep in somebody�s arms, safe and secure. Instead he was here, loving someone who could never do the same. The thought tore her up into pieces, and she hardly dared to think what it must be like for him.
�I won�t,� she said, and opened the door.
Ryder stood in the doorway, looking agitated, �I ran into your roommate, she said Josh�s back and�� Catching sight of the dark-haired boy behind her, he halted.
Josh smiled a small, rueful smile, �Hi Ryder,� he said meekly.
The blond boy strode into the room, keeping his gaze on Josh. �You�re back,� he said, the casual comment made somehow intense and intimate by the way he intoned it, his eyes betraying more than what he could say in words.
�I�m back,� Josh repeated. He held Ryder�s gaze for nothing more than a few seconds before he lowered his eyes, his fingers clutching absently around Faye�s coat. Ryder took a seat on the inflatable chair and looked strangely at his reaction.
Faye, sensing the tension, flopped down on her bed, �we were just talking about wanting to escape Rawley,� she said cheerfully.
�Don�t we all,� Ryder snorted. �It�s the people here, they really are intolerable.�
Josh uttered a small laugh and turned to Faye, �What did I tell you?�
�It�s not the people here, okay?� She protested, �there�s nothing wrong with Rawley or any of it�� she trailed off, a dreamy smile appearing on her face, �Although I do miss travelling��
Ryder smiled, and before he could say anything Josh said quietly, �Remember that summer��
��in Paris,� Ryder finished for him, �I was just about to say that.�
She grinned, looking back at Josh, then at her brother, �How old were we? Ten?�
The two shrugged. �Something like that,� Josh affirmed.
They fell silent, each savouring the memories that came with the sultry summer spent in France. �How about that weekend trip to Bordeaux,� Josh said dreamily, �the vineyards��
�Yeah,� Ryder laughed out loud, remembering, �you know what I remember the most? Our parents leaving us in the hotel while they went out partying��
�And we found that precious bottle of Ch�teau Le Pin they bought at the auction, and drank it all between the three of us,� Faye laughed, �I remember they were so mad our father threatened to give us all a whipping.�
The other two laughed. �Those were the days,� Josh said dreamily.
�Yeah,� Ryder sighed, �what I wouldn�t give to�� He stopped abruptly, glancing at Josh and quickly lowering his gaze.
The other boy pretended not to notice. �I wonder what Paris looks like now, in autumn,� he wondered, �It�s been years since I�ve been back there. I miss those days.�
�I just want to escape,� Faye said suddenly, looking away, �I�m growing tired of being here.�
***
Carson
�I�d like to escape, I really would,� Bella sighed, sticking her hands in her pockets. �There� it feels like there�s nothing left in that town for me, you know?�
�I get that,� David answered, walking beside her, �but you�ve also got to realise that everything eventually reach their own equilibrium and things do work out eventually.�
�You think?� She asked, �You�re optimistic.�
�Oh, not at all,� he laughed, �But I do believe that the key to life lies in balance. Time and time again I�ve found that things go bad when you try to manipulate them; but if you just step back and let it happen, most things just� fall into place.� He looked thoughtful, �It�s like that Bj�rk song, what is it called? �It�s Not Up to You�.�
Bella stared at him, �That sounds nice, not having to worry.�
�Not having to take your destiny into your own hands,� he said with a little laugh, �many people think of it as the most cowardly thing you could do. Nowadays it�s all about taking control of your own life and self-empowerment and all that��
�Yeah,� she answered faintly, thinking of herself.
He stopped walking and turned toward her, �Most screw-ups happen when you try too hard. I�m not saying I�m a nihilist or anything remotely like that, it�s just� everything has a flow to it. We don�t have to win all the time.�
�So you�re saying I don�t have to find a purpose to my life?� She asked.
�God, no, that�s not what I meant,� he exclaimed, �the opposite. There�s a difference between existing in harmony with the world and fighting the world. I�m just saying, if leaving for Carson makes you happier than you were in New Rawley, then do that and find your own balance in your own time. It has nothing to do with purpose. We all need purpose in life, we all need something to make it worth living.�
�What�s your purpose then?� She asked, scanning her mind for something that she could consider her �purpose in life�. Fixing cars? God help her.
�Absorbing and creating art,� he said promptly, �cinema and music. It�s both my life and my reason to live.�
�I didn�t know you were interested in music as well,� she remarked.
�Schopenhauer said it was the highest form of art, and our only relief from a cold, pointless world.� He answered, and glanced down the street, �we�re at my stop.�
She blinked. �What?�
�It�s my friend�s house right here,� he pointed a couple houses away, �Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee? I could play you some songs I wrote.�
She hesitated. �I� better not.�
He grinned at her, �Please don�t think I�ve got an ulterior motive. It�s just coffee and music, seriously.�
She blushed, �Um��
�I�d bring my guitar outside and sit around on the pavement,� he smiled, �but the neighbours will probably complain.�
�I�ll just come in and hear a couple,� she decided, �but it�s getting late so I�ll have to leave soon.�
�No problem,� he nodded as he opened the gate to let her through, �I can borrow my friend�s car to drop you home.�
***
Ryder and Will�s room
�Thanks for letting me crash here,� Josh said, sitting cross-legged on a futon that was spread out between Ryder and Will�s beds. Will was sitting at his desk writing something, his lamp the only source of light in the darkened room.
�No problem,� Will started to reply. But Ryder beat him to it, giving Josh a quick look, �Don�t be daft. You think I�d let you sleep on the common room couch?�
Josh managed a small smile, slipping into the sleeping bag on the futon. He had borrowed a T-shirt and pyjama bottoms from Ryder, both of which hung too loosely on his frail frame. �Well, good night,� he said.
�Night,� Ryder replied, settling back amongst his covers. He had barely closed his eyes before he opened them again. �Krudski,� he said curtly, �Do you mind? I can�t get to sleep with that damned pencil of yours scratching away.�
Will stopped writing to give him a dirty look, �you never miss a single opportunity to make my life miserable, do you?�
�I do not,� Ryder retorted, �you�re just too annoying.�
Will glared at him, �Look who�s talking. At least I try to make it work, rooming with you. You never even acknowledge it.�
Ryder raised himself up on his elbows and looked directly at the other boy, �I�d like to know what exactly you do to make this unfortunate situation any easier, William.�
�For one,� Will slammed his pencil down on the table, �I�d never even think to snoop through your things. Don�t think I�m going to let what happened this morning slide.�
�You�re just making a huge deal out of nothing,� Ryder replied, �You always do that. It�s like you never have enough excitement in your life you have to just overreact in every way you can in order to make this a more meaningful existence for you, isn�t that right?�
Josh hugged his knees to his chest, curled up in the foetal position, and tried to block out the insults flying back and forth over his head. Yet he found strange comfort in Ryder�s voice, furious as it was. He came all the way back to hear that voice and it seemed to, even at its angriest and most derisive, calm a part of him that sorely needed the care.
�You know what,� Will stood up, face red with agitation, �I�m not having this argument with you, Ryder.�
�Why,� the blond boy taunted, �afraid of what I might reveal?�
�No,� Will replied quietly, �because I don�t want Josh caught up in our argument. I�m going to crash in Scout�s room.�
�Wait, Will,� Josh quickly exclaimed, �you don�t have to�� But the other boy had already walked out with books under his arm, closing the door as he went.
�Let him go where he wants,� Ryder said, still fuming. Turning back to Josh, he sighed, �Look, I�m� I�m sorry for doing that in front of you, okay? He was just pissing me off.�
Josh nodded, casting his gaze down. �Do you mind turning that lamp off?� he said in a quiet voice, �It�s been a long day.�
Ryder glanced at him, concerned. �Sure,� he said quietly, getting up to switch the light off. The room was suddenly pitched into darkness, and he made his careful way back to his own bed. �Good night,� he said.
�Good night, Ryder.� Came the faint reply.
*The Smashing Pumpkins� �Eye� starts to play*
Ryder lay flat on his back, with his hands clasped behind his neck. Staring up to the ceiling, his eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light. Turning sideways, he scanned Josh�s delicate profile. Josh�s eyes were also open, and in the darkness Ryder could nevertheless make out the faint fluttering of his eyelashes as he blinked every once in a while. Aside from that, the only small motion to disturb his stillness was the slight rise and fall of his chest as he inhaled and exhaled, his breaths light and shallow.
I lie, I wait
I stop, I hesitate
I am, I breathe
I meant, I think of me
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace� through you?
Josh could feel Ryder�s eyes on him. Without turning he asked, quietly, �What are you thinking?�
Ryder blinked, turning his head so that he stared at the ceiling once more, �Why did you come back?�
Josh was silent.
�Did�� Ryder glanced at him again. �How�s the band? How is� uh, Malcolm?�
Josh shook his head slightly, black hair splaying out in all directions on the pillow. �I don�t� it�s� it�s complicated.�
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough�
After a pause Ryder asked, �Do you want to talk about it?�
�Not really,� he was so quiet his voice was almost inaudible.
Ryder sighed, �All right.�
I taste, I love
I come, I bleed enough
I hate, I'm not
I was, I want too much
The air in the room was warm, melding with the night to form a blanket of sultry darkness. Josh raised a hand to his throat, and felt the quickened pulse underneath the paper-thin skin.
He marvelled at the proximity of the truth. Nothing now stood between them and he could, if he wanted enough, tell Ryder everything. The reasons why he came back, the utter loneliness that he was accustomed to, everything that was going wrong in his life, and the one revelation that he�d rather not have had.
It was the absolute hopelessness of the situation that really got to him. The fact that, if he got up this instant, leaned over Ryder�s bed and kissed him because he needed to, so badly� the other boy would most likely throw him out of this room and never, ever speak to him again. It had already happened once, so many years ago, and he didn�t see why now could be any different.
Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
He exhaled. The desire was burning in his stomach, in his throat, in every part of him. Why did Ryder have to be so nice to him and only him? Every time he gazed into those grey-blue eyes he felt like his soul was stripped bare. He shivered from the desire, and felt like weeping at the fact that he could never get what he wanted� what he needed.
Why Ryder, of all people? Malcolm was probably waiting back for him in Boston, upset and anxious, but he could not think about Malcolm. He couldn�t think of anything except what was here and now. How close Ryder was, how much he wanted for something to happen between them, and just as acutely he felt the impossibility of it all. It killed him inside.
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
The hollow pain in his solar plexus became too hard to bear. He hated it� this life. This unrequited love that would never be anything else. As a tear rolled down his cheek he was dimly aware of it trailing a warm path down his skin until finally it reached the dry cotton of his pillow, and was absorbed. Another tear followed, then another.
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch�
In the darkness of a little dorm room in Rawley Academy, mere feet away from the boy that he loved and could never have, silently Josh Sutherland cried himself to sleep.
***
Carson
�Okay,� David looked up after clipping a capo onto an acoustic guitar, �this is a song I wrote a while back. It�s called �Symposium�.�
Bella nursed a cup of white coffee in her hands and smiled encouragingly. He smiled back, looking self-conscious, and began to strum to a waltz beat. It was a simple enough minor chord progression, with a pretty and melancholic sound. Slightly hunched over the guitar and a few sandy-coloured locks of hair falling into his eyes, he began to sing.
His voice, although not extraordinary like that of Josh and other more professional musicians, was nevertheless deep and melodic. The first few lines he sang with uncertainty, but soon he gathered his confidence and his voice rose, letting a new richness come through, bringing out the soul within the words.
We ran in circles
Around pallid icons
Caught the sky fading
Those stars that we found
Your smile was hiding
What is to come
The thoughts that do not bear
Any thinking about
The chords changed and he tilted his head slightly, his eyes focusing absently on the wall behind Bella. His voice was clear and unfaltering, tinged with some hidden emotion that Bella couldn�t quite figure out.
Oh darling watch the sun
We will one day touch the sun
It's the end of things that I have known
We're holding on, holding on
The seasons led us here
To start the countdown
This sweet symposium
A cold charmless town
Time bleeds away
Hope against hope
Until I crumble
Until it all fades out
Oh darling watch the sun
We will one day touch the sun
It's the end of things that I have known
We're holding on, holding on
He fell into silence, looking intently at his fretting hand. The strummed interlude followed the melody of the intro, but was subtly different and much more intense. After sixteen bars or so he began to sing again, repeating the chorus and extending into a coda.
Oh darling watch the sun
We will one day touch the sun
It�s something to keep when you are gone
For me to keep when you're gone
Oh darling watch the sun
We will one day hold the sun
The last two bars grew slower and faded away into silence. Bella sat clutching her coffee cup, gazing at him as he raised his head. �That was great,� she said earnestly, �so pretty.�
�Thanks,� he brushed stray strands of hair off his forehead and gave her a bashful smile, �I�m glad you liked it.�
�When did you write it?� She wanted to know, �I don�t mean to intrude or anything but it sounded like a tough time.�
�Well,� he shrugged, putting the guitar down, �It was, and it wasn�t. Pretty complicated life stuff� or pretty mundane, depending on how you look at it.�
She smiled, deciding that she too, like him earlier, would not push the subject until the other was ready to talk. Instead she leaned over and ran her fingers over the smooth wooden body of the guitar, �How long have you been playing?�
�A few years,� he answered, picking up his own lukewarm mug of coffee, �but I didn�t start writing my own songs until about a year ago. It�s a form of release.� He took a small sip and nestled the mug in his hands, glancing up at her, �Sometimes I feel like if I can�t create representations of what�s inside of me, I�m not doing anything useful; so I always have this need to portray things from what I can find inside me, in some form of art, one way or another. It doesn�t always come out right, but at least I keep on doing it, and it makes me happy.�
�Is that why you�re studying film?� She asked, �to create things� create art?�
He nodded, �Pretty much. All I�m trying to do is take this world in, process it in myself, and produce my own representation of it. I personally think that�s where all the meaning lies.�
She was silent for a long time, staring down at her coffee cup. He trained his eyes on her, looking curious but patient.
�That�s very insightful,� she finally said.
�Insightful?� He shrugged it off, �I dunno, it�s just what I try to live my life by, give it a little more definition. Every other person will have their own idea and I�m not knocking that.�
�No,� she said slowly, �the creativity thing, I really do get it. I wish I had an outlet like yours, maybe that would help.� She looked down at her hands with a small chuckle, �but what could I do? I mean, I�m the local Service Station Pump Girl, that�s all I�ve ever been. All this creativity, these arts� they are so far away from me. I never had any dancing or art or music lessons when I was a kid, or anything like that.�
�Rubbish,� he said, �you could do anything you set your mind to. You say you can�t do anything creative so why don�t you pick it up already? I could teach you guitar.�
She looked doubtful, �I dunno� it looks pretty hard.�
He laughed, �Come on, it�s not hard at all. You�re smart, I bet you�ll pick it up straight away. I�m here for a few more weeks so I can get you started, and there are heaps of self-help books around.�
�I do have a couple of friends back in Rawley who could help me out,� she mused, eyeing the guitar leaning against the couch and thinking of Josh and Hamilton. �I don�t know� maybe it�d be fun.�
�Sure it is,� he said happily, �Let me teach you, it�ll be a blast.�
She grinned, charmed by his enthusiasm.
***
Faye and Paige�s room
�You shut the door in his face?� Paige demanded, aghast. �What did he do afterwards?�
�Left, presumably.� Faye answered, slipping on a black tank top over her faded jeans. �I didn�t bother to check.�
�I can�t believe you did that.� Paige sighed, tossing a couple of books into her bag, �to Scout, of all people.�
Faye ran a brush through her hair, somewhat vehemently. �I don�t care. He knows I need to be there for Josh, who � I might add � was majorly fucked up last night, and if he can�t deal with the fact that I need to be there for my best friend, he could fuck off for all I care.�
�I don�t know,� Paige said tentatively, �aren�t you� uh� don�t you think you�re overreacting a tiny bit?�
�You don�t understand,� Faye watched the other girl in the mirror, �I can�t even remember how many times he�s done this. He�s so�� she searched for the right word, �so� untrusting. Wait, that�s not what I meant,� she sighed in exasperation. �I don�t know what he is! It�s just, I wish he�d get over this me and Josh thing already! Nothing has ever come up between the two of us and nothing ever will, but Scout just can�t seem to accept that.�
�Well, maybe he�s not worried about Josh taking up your romantic interests,� Paige pointed out sensibly, �maybe he just doesn�t like that you don�t have time for him when you hang out with him.�
�Well, that�s not really an excuse, is it?� Faye turned to face her roommate. �I mean, if I wanted to hang out with some of my girlfriends and Scout said I can�t, I have to spend time with him instead, I�d tell him to stop acting so immature. I don�t see why it�s any different.�
Paige slung her bag over her shoulder and opened the door, startling a surprised Scout who stood on the threshold, halfway through the motion of knocking. �Excellent timing,� she said lightly, �I�ve got to get to class. See you guys later.�
Scout took no notice of her as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. �We need to talk,� he said to Faye.
�That we do,� she agreed, �have a seat.�
He shook his head, leaning back on the door instead. �Where�s Josh?� he asked warily.
�He slept in Ryder�s room,� she answered, �I was going to see him after I got dressed.�
�Oh,� he said dully, staring down at the carpet. �When�s he going back to Boston?�
�I don�t know,� she replied, taking a step toward him, �Scout��
�You don�t know how long he�s going to be here?� he asked, �does that mean I�ll have to hold off seeing you indefinitely, too?�
�Of course not,� she replied with a frown. �Even if he stays here I�m not going to��
�Shut the door in my face?� he asked bitterly, �No, I guess not. You�ve done that already.�
�Look, I may have been a bit hasty in doing what I did last night,� she said, her voice raising, �but you know what? I�m not sorry for it. It was what I needed to do, and at the time I just couldn�t deal with you, okay? Now I thought you came here to talk, not to make accusations.�
�I�m not!� he said loudly, �I�m just� hurt.�
�But you don�t understand,� she tugged on her hair, exasperated, �you don�t need to be hurt! What is out of the ordinary when I�m trying to help a friend of mine overcome a hard time?�
�You know the answer,� he said stonily, staring at her.
She bit her lower lip, meeting his gaze.
�Because it�s Josh,� he said finally. �It�s always because of Josh. He�s always here with his problems and his fragility and his screwed up life and frankly, I�m sick of it. Everybody�s got problems, Faye, everybody needs other people to stay with them and tell them things are okay! I can�t win here, I can never win where he�s concerned and I don�t understand why. Don�t you understand I need to be with you just as much as he does? That I need you as much as he needs you?�
�No, you don�t understand.� She looked at him long and hard before answering. �What you say is true and I�m not denying that I�m spending less time with you lately than you�d like � than I�d like, too � but it doesn�t change anything. Do you know why you can�t win when both you and Josh come to me with problems? Because his problems are bigger than yours. I know that�s not what you want to hear and I know that�s not sensitive or objective, but the truth of the matter is� we�re losing him, Scout. He�s barely hanging on to the mess that he made of things and he doesn�t even understand how he came to be in this position, much less how to get out of it.�
�And you know what the most frustrating thing is? I can�t help him any where near that I�d like to help him. I�m one of the only people in the world who can maybe help him out of this mess and even as I sit there with him beside me, I can feel him slipping away. He�s been torn up into shreds, with problems he can�t even face. I know you know his life story but do you ever realise that we can�t even conceive of what it�s been for him? Being kicked out of home when he was twelve and spending the past few years doing things I can�t imagine doing � he still can�t talk about some of it now. You have no idea where the scar on his right leg came from, or what the tattoo on his shoulderblade stands for, or what some people did to him when he was younger�� she looked away, blinking. �Now you tell me your life is fucked up to that point. You tell me you need me more than he does. He�s falling off the edge of the world, and there�s nobody to save him� except me. And I can�t do nearly enough.�
Scout stared at her, speechless. After many moments filled with leaden silence, he finally murmured, �What about Ryder��
�Ryder,� she laughed bitterly. �Bring on the irony. Just trust me on this one, Josh isn�t going to be able to spill his guts to Ryder, no matter how much he wants to.�
Scout looked away. Faye sighed again and walked over to him, letting a hand come to rest on his arm. �I�m sorry I hurt you, baby,� she said softly, �but I can�t not look after Josh when he�s like this��
�I guess I know that,� he said slowly, looking at the hand on his arm as though he had never seen it before. �And I guess I know Josh needs as much attention as you can give him��
A small smile surfaced on her lips. But before she could say anything, he carried on, not looking at her. �And I also know I can�t deal with this. It doesn�t matter if it�s not logical or rational, Faye, I just can�t deal with it. I�m sorry but I just need you all to myself, I can�t bear sharing you with him as well� I�m never going to get a complete you� some part of you is always going to stay with him and I know I should be alright with that, but I�m not.�
�What do you expect me to do, Scout?� She looked back at him, �You know I can�t choose between the two of you, so please don�t make me do it��
�I think you have to,� the expression on his face remained impassive. �It�s either Josh or me.�
She stared at him, wide-eyed. It took a long time before she realised that he was completely serious. �This isn�t fair.� She said, her voice shaking, �You can�t make me do this.�
He clenched his fists tightly, as though that would somehow divert the hollow pain in his chest. He looked at her and thought he could see her surrounded by Josh, enveloped by him, taken by him� the only way out, it appeared to him, was to cut her off completely. He�d had enough, she had to choose and that was final.
�Please,� she tried hard not to let tears well up in her eyes, �I love you, please don�t do this to me��
�But I am.� He said, steeling himself to ignore her pleas.
*REM�s �I�ll Take the Rain� plays*
The rain came down, the rain came down
The rain came down on me
The wind blew strong, the summer song
Fades to memory
I knew you when I loved you then
The summer's young and helpless
You laid me bare, you marked me there
The promises we made�
She gazed at him for so long that it was making him uncomfortable to look back. But he was determined that she didn�t get the upper hand this time, that he retained some sense of control, and so he stared back resolutely, unwavering.
�Okay,� she said finally, her voice quietening down to a whisper.
He didn�t reply, gazing at her intently.
�And I choose Josh.� She said slowly, �I choose Josh over you.�
I used to think as birds take wing
They sing through life so why can't we?
You cling to this, you claim the best
If this is what you're offering
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain�
A sudden memory flared in his mind. Some past television show where the contestants had to demonstrate their disregard for personal fear before they could claim the final prize. One guy had to dive under the surface of a frozen lake through a hole punched through the ice, and swim until he reached another opening some distance away. He remembered watching it and wondering the panic that guy must have felt, the desperate need for air without a surface to break out to, the sharp pain of freezing water against his skin, and the only, blind goal of making it out alive.
That was what he felt. He thought he was ready to take that risk of her choosing Josh over him, that he was indeed sent to breaking point where he could say he would rather not have anything at all than to share her with Josh� but it felt as though all the air was being sucked out of his lungs at the prospect of not having her anymore� and he realised he was wrong.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
The night-time creases, summer schemes
And stretches out to stay
The sun shines down, you came around
You love easy days
But now the sun, the winter's come
I wanted just to say that if I hold, I'd hope you'd fold
Open up inside, inside of me�
Her eyes were brimming with tears but she seemed adamant not to let them fall. �I never thought you�d do something like this,� she whispered, her voice soft as feathers but cold as ice. �I never thought you�d disregard my feelings so completely as to make me choose. So here is my choice, Scout. I choose him over you. I hope you�re satisfied with the outcome.� Without another word she pushed past him and wrenched the door open, running out into the hallway.
�Wait�� he choked on the words, chasing out after her. �Faye�I��
He was sure this was exactly what the guy must have felt. His entire body felt numb and yet he couldn�t care any less, all he wanted was to be able to breathe, to find some sweet respite that could let him get air back into these overwrought lungs. He was sure he could never breathe again until she was back in his arms, until he made sure that she wouldn�t leave, until he�d apologised a thousand times. He didn�t remember a single moment in his entire life when he felt more sorry than now. Every fibre of his being screamed with remorse, at the abject stupidity that he acted on in making her choose.
I used to think as birds take wing
They sing through life so why can't we?
You cling to this, you claim the best
If this is what you're offering
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain�
She stopped but did not turn around.
�I never thought we�d break up just like this,� she said. �I never thought you�d do something so awful that I could manage to break up with you on the spot. But you know what? You did it. You should have known that by making me choose, you�d always lose out. Even if I had chosen you, I would have been so unhappy� unhappy enough to leave you anyway.�
This winter song I'll sing along
I've searched its still refrain
I'll walk alone
I've given this, take wing
Celebrate the rain�
He swallowed, hard. He was only half here; it felt like the other half of him was still floundering madly in that frozen lake, trapped underwater, trying to find an opening overhead that simply was not there. There was a small niggling thought that he tried to bury, because he couldn�t bear thinking about it now. But it resurfaced to the centre of his consciousness like a needle made red-hot by the immediacy of the situation � perhaps there was no opening overhead. Perhaps he was doomed to be forever trapped under the water, under the ice, madly grappling for the air that he so desperately needed, and would never have again. If in some alternate universe he could have had the chance to revoke that demand, he would have done it a thousand times already.
But this was not some alternate dimension, the only world he could point to, the only actual universe, was this one. The only Faye that he knew and loved, was the one who stood with her back to him, the one who wasn�t going to turn back around.
�You lost me from the very moment you made me choose.� She said before finally walking away, leaving the words hanging in the air behind her.
He watched as she walked further and further away from him, her head held high.
I used to think as birds take wing
They sing through life so why can't we?
You cling to this, you claim the best
If this is what you're offering
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain
I'll take the rain�
Part 6
Rawley Girls� Academy
�Anyway, thanks for a fun couple of days,� said Dexter, walking across campus with Jake and Hamilton. They had followed the path around the lake and were now sauntering across the lawns outside the girls� dormitories. Dexter looked slightly ill at ease, looking around at the dozen or so girls lounging outside in bathing suits.
�It was nothing,� said Hamilton with a grin. �So� you think you�ll be coming back here in the fall?�
�I dunno�� Dexter began to say, but was interrupted as Lena Fletcher scurried past and cheerfully called out a greeting to Jake and Hamilton. �Hey,� the couple said in unison, greeting the redhead. �I thought you weren�t here for the summer,� Hamilton said.
�Oh, I�m not,� she replied, flicking flame-red tresses over her left shoulder, �I�m just here to change some of my classes next semester because apparently there was a mistake that you couldn�t sort out over the phone,� she rolled her eyes, �or something.� She caught sight of Dexter and gave a cursory nod to the stranger, �Hey.�
�Uh�� a deep red blush crawled up Dexter�s neck and progressed steadily up his cheeks, �um� hello.�
Lena couldn�t help a strange look at his flustered state. Hamilton quickly came to the other boy�s rescue. �Lena, this is Dex. We�ve been showing him around.�
�Oh, the famous Munchie Tour of Rawley, you�re in luck.� Lena teased, �Well, have fun.�
�Um� yeah, thanks. I mean, I will�� Dex trailed off, looking down at his shoes with obvious unease.
�Just don�t let them take you to a drive-in movie,� Lena advised. Jake and Hamilton couldn�t help a smile at the expense of Dex�s confusion. �Anyway, I�ve got to go.� she grinned, �Great to see you guys again.�
�See you later,� called Jake as Lena hurried off in the direction of the admin building. Turning back to Dex, she asked with a knowing smile, �Don�t talk to girls much?�
�Pretty obvious, huh.� Dexter looked embarrassed. �I don�t get how you guys can just� talk to her.
She�s so pretty.�
�Lena? Yeah, she is hot,� Hamilton smirked at Jake. She elbowed him in the ribs before turning back to Dexter with a devious grin. �You know, you�ll get the chance to talk to a lot of girls if you come to Rawley.�
�I�ve noticed,� Dexter blushed, looking around. Spotting a girl with long dark hair crossing the lawns, he sighed wistfully. �But it doesn�t matter where I go, I�ll never be able to talk to a girl like her.�
�Who?� Hamilton asked. Dexter nodded his head in the girl�s direction, �that type of girl don�t ever know I exist, let alone talk to me.�
�Oh, that�s just Paige,� Jake said casually, and much to Dexter�s horror, waved and called, �Hey, Paige! Over here!�
The brunette spotted them and walked over with a smile. They didn�t really mix in the same circles, but they took co-ed English together, plus they�d hung out when she was going out with Scout. �What�s up, guys?�
�Oh, we�re just showng Dexter around,� Jake said breezily, �he�s thinking of coming to Rawley in the fall.�
Paige turned to the blond boy, who by now had turned a most interesting shade of maroon. �Hello Dexter, what an interesting name.� She smiled good-naturedly, �How are you liking Rawley?�
�Um�� he gulped, �it�s� really� good��
�So you�re coming back, huh?� She asked.
�I don�t know�� he was flabbergasted. �uh, I think so� maybe��
�Well, I hope you have a good time here,� Paige grinned before turning back to Jake and Hamilton, �are you guys here to see Josh Sutherland?�
Hamilton was surprised. �What?�
�At the girls� dorms,� Paige answered.
�Why would we be at the girls� dorms to see Josh?� Jake asked, furrowing her brows. �And how do you know him?�
�Oh, you don�t know?� Paige asked, surprised. �He came back yesterday. Faye wouldn�t let me in our room all day cos he was there. Faye told me about REACH � so I just figured you guys want to see him. He�s not in our room anymore, I think he went to stay the night at Ryder�s.�
Jake and Hamilton glanced at each other. �Did he say why he�s here?� Hamilton asked.
Paige shrugged, �I have no idea. Except�� she frowned, �I think he was pretty upset over something. Faye was trying to comfort him all day yesterday,� she lowered her voice confidentially, glancing from Hamilton to Jake then back again. �She even got in a fight with Scout over it. Anyway,� she checked her watch, �I�ve got to get to class. See you guys later, all right? Have fun, Dexter.�
�See ya,� Jake and Hamilton replied absently. As Paige walked away Hamilton turned to Jake and said in a low voice, �You think we should go say hi?�
She shook her head slowly, �I don�t think he came back for a social call. It�s probably better if we don�t act too nosy.�
�Okay,� he readily agreed. �Let�s go, Dex.�
They glanced at Dexter, who was still staring after Paige with a wide, dreamy grin on his face. �She remembered my name,� he murmured proudly, �and I talked to her and everything.�
Hamilton laughed, patting the blond boy on the shoulder, �Come on.�
***
Will and Ryder�s room
�When are you heading back?� Ryder asked, leaning against his headboard. The futon had been rolled away, and Josh was sitting on Will�s bed, nervously nibbling on his nails.
�I don�t know,� Josh replied, glancing up. �I should really�� he trailed off, sighing. He had checked his voicemail this morning and Malcolm had left no less than nine messages on his cell phone, worried to death and sounding like he was in sore need of comforting. Something that, Josh was sure, he could never give to the other boy again.
Ryder looked at him. �Believe me, you�re the only person I�d ever do this to; but if you want to tell me anything�� he rolled his eyes upwards, as though he didn�t believe he was saying this, �� I can listen.�
Josh smiled ruefully, �Thanks, I�ll keep that in mind.�
Ryder narrowed his eyes at him. Then with characteristic impatience, growled, �For god�s sake, just say something, will you? I hate doing this patient listener thing. You know it�s everything I�m not.�
Despite everything Josh couldn�t help but laugh. �Yeah, I know.�
�So what�s going on?� Ryder prompted. �Are you having trouble with the band? Did you have a fight with Malcolm? I�m not like Faye, okay? I can�t just sit here and wait until you finally decide to say something, I can�t stand it.�
�It�s the band, it�s Malcolm,� Josh sighed, �it�s everything.� Sneaking a look at Ryder, he added silently, it�s you, most of all.
Ryder pulled a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and lit up, �what�s going on with the band?�
Josh sighed again, massaging his temples. �I don�t know, it�s hard to say��
�You seemed unhappy the last time you came back,� Ryder looked at him, his eyes clear and calculating. �I seemed to be the only one who caught it. What�s going on with your band? I thought everything was going great.�
�It�s never been great,� Josh admitted. �Don�t get me wrong, we�ve been getting gigs and everything is fun� but�� he sighed in frustration, �damn it. I can�t put this into words.�
�Try.� Ryder watched him through a haze of cigarette smoke.
Josh sat up straighter. �It�s like I�m losing control,� he said carefully, �When we were just jamming in Ben�s garage we had a system going, and although we didn�t play that much publicly and didn�t do this whole promotion thing, we were a band. Now�� he ran a hand through his hair and tugged on the ends, �we�re running around recording our EP, trying to get our demo on radio playlists, sucking up to all the venue owners trying to score gigs� it�s so draining, it�s not about the music anymore and it�s just all so commercial, and it sucks beyond all belief.�
�Isn�t your manager supposed to be doing all this stuff?� Ryder asked.
�That�s another thing.� Josh said unhappily. �he�s supposed to be managing us, right? But he�s taking over the band. He�s there at rehearsals, he�s coming up with song ideas, he�s shooting down some of our favourite songs because they aren�t �catchy� enough� the control isn�t even in the band anymore, he owns it. On top of that, Ben is getting really lazy. He�s out drinking most nights and doesn�t bother to show up to rehearsals any more. He�s missed a few gigs in a row. When we tracked him down he actually had the guts to tell us that he forgot, and he didn�t even seem sorry about it��
�So sack him,� Ryder suggested with his usual sensitivity, �how hard is it to get another back-up guitarist?�
�Yeah, but we�ve been playing together for years.� Josh sighed. �On top of that, Alex is becoming sort of a problem too� I�m starting to think more and more he doesn�t really understand our music. He�s sitting behind the kit bashing out this hard-out rhythm no matter what we might be playing, and I�m starting to think he�ll be more of an asset to a death-metal band than us�� He sighed again, and lifted his eyes to Ryder�s, �Sorry for ranting, I just needed to talk to someone.�
�It�s alright,� Ryder said lightly. �And what�s going on with�� he paused, averting his eyes, �� Malcolm?�
Josh shivered despite the warmth of the sunlight pouring into the room. �Malcolm�� he repeated absently, looking down at his hands. He kept chewing on his nails and hadn�t reapplied his nail polish in about a week, making his hands look messy and unkempt. It wasn�t exactly high on his list of priorities right now.
He didn�t realise how long he had fallen silent until Ryder cleared his throat. �Josh?� he asked tentatively.
A little colour came back into Josh�s pallid cheeks. �Please� please don�t ask me about him,� he said, weakly.
Ryder stared at him. �Why not?� he demanded after a moment.
Josh glanced up to meet the other boy�s gaze, startled. Ryder�s eyes had darkened into stormy grey, the look in them indistinguishable as to whether it was anger or suffering.
�Why not, Josh?� He asked again, his voice crackling with barely-concealed restraint. �Just� just look at yourself! What�s happened to you? You�re skin and bones��
�I�m not,� Josh interrupted, trying to sound indignant, �Why does everyone keep saying that? I��
Ryder paid him no heed. Rising from his seat, he crossed his arms over his chest. �You come back looking like this and expect me to be okay with it?� He demanded, �You expect me to be like everybody else and try to give you space and sidestep around your fucked-up life?�
�I�� Josh began to say, only to be interrupted by Ryder, �I�m not going to do that, ever. No matter how much you screwed up, you can always sort it out only if you didn�t keep it all bottled up! What good is that going to do? God, have you even eaten in the last two days?�
�I�m not having this conversation, Ryder.� Josh said coldly, his mind reeling.
�You bloody well are!� Ryder yelled, crossing over to Will�s bed in a few strides, looming over the other boy. �Don�t you understand I can�t let you keep doing this to yourself? Believe it or not I know what it�s like to have your life ripped up to shreds! I can�t just stand here and watch you slip over the edge and not do anything about it! This band thing is messy but I know you can deal with it, there�s something much bigger that you�re not saying and it�s eating you up from the inside! I don�t know what it is but I can tell it�s too big for you to deal with, Faye can�t either. And I�m not going to give up until I know what it is, so just get it over with and tell me what THE HELL is going on with you!�
�You know what?� Josh cried, his eyes growing bright with tears, �Fine. You really want to know what�s going on with me? Why I�m acting like this? Why I�m fucked up and lonely and way out of my depth? Why I came back here when I have the opportunity to have a great relationship with Malcolm back in Boston? Is that what you want to know? He said he loved me and I fucking ran away; he said he loved me and I can�t even deal with that, because I�m in love with��
*Placebo�s �Sleeping with Ghosts� begins to play*
He came to an abrupt stop, the blood draining from his face. A tear rolled down his cheek and he made no move to wipe it away. His eyes were wide as he stared at Ryder, the look in them half imploring, half regretful. Were those words intentional? Was it just a mere slip of the tongue or something deeper inside him that wanted out, no matter what the cost?
Anyway, what was done has been done. The meaning of his words, although unfinished, was clear. At any rate it was clearer than anything that had ever been vocalised between the two of them, and the implications were terrifying.
Ryder�s breaths came fast and ragged as he gazed back into those eyes, inadvertently tightening the muscles in his jaw. He could feel a cold sweat break over him, and his fists, balled up in his pockets, felt freezing and clammy. He fought the urge to shiver uncontrollably.
The seas are evaporating
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we�re seeing
They�re explosions in the sky
It�s seems it�s written
But we can�t read between the lines
Hush, it�s okay, dry your eyes�
Dry your eyes�
Silence.
In a single moment it was as though everything around them crystallized, was made sharp and cold with startling clarity. But they couldn�t feel themselves in it. The world had never felt this real or this bright, but they were so removed from it that nothing really made sense in this hyper-reality. It was just them, and the words left unspoken, hanging in the air between them like some invisible jewel that neither of them dared touch, for fear of what might happen. The world was breaking apart with this confrontation and neither of them had, up until now, given any thought as to what to do; as a result they were left under-prepared and reeling from the sudden impact.
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Soulmates never die�
It was Josh who broke the eye contact first, turning away from Ryder and his stunned gaze. Quickly he dried his eyes with his shirtsleeve. �I�ve� I�ve got to go,� he said, his voice breaking. �I need to get back to Boston. I need to� sort things out. Tell Faye� tell her I�m sorry I didn�t wait around��
Ryder didn�t answer. He wasn�t sure what he might do if he so much as said a word, so he remained silent and still. He swallowed in order to soothe the parched feeling that had risen in his throat, but it brought no relief. It was as though a heavy weight was pressing down on his chest, like there wasn�t enough oxygen in the room for him to breathe. He watched as Josh turned away and opened the door.
�Wait,� Ryder whispered.
This one world vision
Turns us into compromise
What good�s religion
When it�s each other we despise?
Damn the government, damn their killing, damn their lies
Hush, it�s okay, dry your eyes�
Dry your eyes�
Josh�s hand slipped on the door handle. He turned around and looked at Ryder, heart beating wildly in his chest.
Ryder took one tentative step toward him, and stopped.
Half the expanse of the room lay between them, marking the borderline of something old and nostalgic, and something much, much more overwhelming. Ryder�s breaths were coming in shallow gasps, and the floor felt unsteady beneath his feet. It was as though nothing substantial remained in this world� this life.
He was aware just as much as Josh that, if he crossed the floor, the distance between them, then this world would be thrown out of control. This old way of living, this painful existence� it would be taken over by something else, something much bigger, something that was wild and agonizing and exhilarating and they didn�t know how it would ever end, or if it ever had to. Only a few steps and they could turn their whole universe upside down.
Soulmate dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes, soulmates never die
Soulmates never die� never die
Soulmates never die
Never die�
Josh stared at Ryder. The other boy�s face was deathly white, his eyes a startling bright blue. The look in those eyes made him tremble from head to toe. And if that look continued much longer he thought he just might collapse from the sheer intensity of it, he couldn�t take it much longer, this waiting� this love.
It felt as though he had waited his entire life for this� and the moment had finally come. But the outcome did not rest on him. It never did.
Ryder�s fists were clenched so hard that his fingernails bit painfully into his palm. He stared at Josh as though he could drink the other boy in, make himself drown in those blue-green eyes. The passing time gushed and flowed around them like a tide, warm like blood.
At last Ryder looked away. �Goodbye,� he whispered.
Josh could feel something break inside of him. The expectant fire in his eyes flickered, then died. All of a sudden he was so tired � tired enough to want to collapse in some dark, forgotten corner of the world and never, ever get up again.
�Goodbye.� He replied, and walked out, closing the door behind him.
As the heavy mahogany door clicked shut, Ryder felt his knees buckle. Almost without realising it, he slumped to the floor, kneeling, as though praying to a god whom he had forsaken long ago.
Soulmates never die�
Soulmates never die�
***
Carson, Donna Banks� house
Bella sat on the porch steps, letting the warm summer breeze ruffle her hair. Hugging her knees, she closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of flowers and freshly-mown grass, letting a smile of pure contentment spread across her features.
She felt somebody sat down next to her. Opening her eyes, she turned and saw David smiling, a guitar in one hand. �Ready for your first lesson?� He asked, his hazel eyes dancing.
***
Jake�s room
�Well, Dex�s gone,� Hamilton announced, letting himself into the room. �Evidently still giddy over Paige remembering his name.�
Jake looked up from her laptop with a grin. �It takes so little to make some people happy.�
�Mmm-hmm,� he agreed, bending down to kiss her softly. When they parted he murmured in her ear, �I know it takes very little to make me happy.�
*Aimee Mann�s �Save me� begins to play*
She smiled. But before she could say anything else, there came a knock on the door. �It�s Will,� called the voice from the hallway.
�Come in,� said Hamilton, wrapping his arms around Jake�s shoulders and planting another kiss on the top of her head.
Will opened the door just enough to poke his head through, �Just thought to let you guys know,� he said with a small twinkle in his eye, �you�ve been nominated for the Summer Book�s Class Couple.�
***
Ryder and Will�s room
You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet
But can you save me?
Come on and save me
If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone�
Ryder stood at the window and looked out, his hands clasped behind his back. Upon closer inspection one could perhaps see that the skin on his palm was broken and bleeding, just a little. The wounds were in the shape of fingernail marks.
The window overlooked the student parking lot. He watched a small, black-clad figure as it strode quickly towards a beat-up looking mini parked at the edge of the grounds. He kept watching, expression completely impassive, as Josh got into the car and started pulling out of the parking lot.
Cos I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell of the hunger strike�
Behind him, the door opened. His sister walked in, her face tired and withdrawn. Seeing only Ryder, she wearily leaned against the wall, letting it support most of her weight, as though she could not do it herself any longer. �Where�s Josh?� She asked.
He didn�t answer, turning back to the window. She joined him in time to see Josh drive out of the academy�s gates.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me
If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone�
�Why didn�t he wait?� She murmured. �I didn�t even get to say goodbye.�
�He had to leave,� he said, expressionless.
�But why�� she started to ask, then stopped as she turned slowly toward him, violet eyes scanning uneasily over his face.
You struck me down like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman
You will come to save me, c'mon and save me
If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone�
She watched him apprehensively. The look on his face gave nothing away: It was closed, blank, as though he had buried his emotions in an impregnable tomb of marble and steel.
She fought the urge to sigh, and turned back to the window. Together they watched Josh�s car head down the Main Street of New Rawley, and gradually disappear from view.
*Will�s voiceover begins*
�Who could understand this? The blinding need to be somebody else, to be inside someone else�s skin for only a little while. Is it any wonder that we get sick of being inside these same bodies, these same minds, all of the time? When things look bleak, when we are lost, it�s only natural to want to remove ourselves from the equation and look at it all from the outside. But it can�t be done, there are no alternate worlds to escape to, no parallel path, no tangent universe. So I guess it�s what we do now that matters, the choice to go on when we realise there�s no other way. Maybe David is right, maybe given enough time, we will reach an equilibrium again, a new balance. I hope so.�
C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who suspect
They could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone�
