Acknowledgements: To Chris, who gave me wonderful ideas for one of the major plotlines of this season, Sally Ann Farm Girl (who also told me to showcase New Zealand music in this episode), Victoria and Catherine for their numerous contributions to the philosophical side of things. And last but not least Leah, for her philosophy and all the crazy plot ideas that she had offered (It was she who brought you George).
Author's Note: Hamilton's unnamed lyrics come from Massive Attack's 'Teardrop'.
Part 1
Teaser
The afternoon sun lazily cast its light on Rawley Academy, throwing the buildings� shadows across the lawn. Despite the sun�s feeble attempt to warm the winter day, a chill still prevailed, the air crisp and sparkling around the grey stone of the dormitories.
Finn's classroom
It was Friday afternoon, last period, and everyone was growing restless. Finn glanced at the clock and sighed: he usually loved teaching, but sophomore English in this time slot was simply ridiculous, and he was sure that no sane teacher could ever hope to get anything done with a timetable like this.
He briefly wondered about Spring Break, and resisted a groan when he realised that it was a long way away. The semester had only started a few weeks ago, and it had been dragging on forever. Life was unusually uneventful at Rawley, and in a way, he was almost wishing that something interesting would happen.
He sighed again, willing the hands on the clock to go faster. But they kept up their steady tick-tock, as usual, and he knew that he couldn�t just spend the whole period staring at the clock, wishing that the weekend would come already. Granted, that was what most of his students were doing at this time, but as the teacher, maybe he should make a bit more of an effort.
Still, the school day was nearly over, only a few more minutes to go, just enough time for him to introduce to them their new reading topic.
� �The Handmaid�s Tale�, by Margaret Atwood.� He announced, passing a stack of books around the desks, handing each student a copy. � Classified by most as sci-fi, it is set in the Republic of Gilead, a Totalitarian society set in the imminent future. The narrator, Offred, belongs to a group of women who are kept for reproductive purposes and reproductive purposes only. The narrative leaps between the present, the past - as a part of her recollections of her former life, and the future - at the end of the book.� He paused for second, looking around, � It might pay to remind you that the �Historical Notes� at the end is actually what can be considered another chapter, so don�t skip over it. Over the weekend I want you to read parts one and two, that�s a total of six chapters�� A huge collective groan rose from the class and he shook his head, amused, � They are not long, and you should be able to finish them quickly. Be prepared to come into class on Monday, ready to talk about your initial impressions of the book.�
The bell rang, punctuating the end of his sentence. � Have a good weekend, guys.� He said, walking back to his desk and gathering up his papers.
Amidst mutterings of �you too, Finn�s and �See ya later�s, the students gushed out into the hallway, eager for the weekend to begin.
Will Krudski shoved his books into his bag, standing up at the same time as Scout Calhoun, who sat next to him. They glanced at each other, and Scout was quick to break the brief gaze by turning away and walking out of the room with the rest of the class.
Jake Pratt paused by Will�s desk, � Do you even talk to each other these days?� She wondered, catching sight of Scout�s exit.
Will smiled wryly, � Not if he can help it.�
She nodded sympathetically and they walked out of the classroom together, raising their voices a little so that they could hear each other over the din in the hallway. � So what are your plans for the weekend?� Jake asked.
Will shrugged, � I�m not sure. I don�t have anything concrete on, if that�s what you mean� oh, except for tonight. Bella and I are going out. What about you?�
She shrugged, glancing at the copy of �The Handmaid�s Tale� in her hand, � I dunno. Staying home, read my book.�
Will nodded slowly, looking at her out of the corner of his eye, but he did not say anything as they walked towards the dorm rooms.
*Will�s voiceover begins*
�It�s ironic that Finn chose a book with such suppressive settings in relation to now. I wonder if it was intentional. True, what is happening in my life and what I see happening all around me is not confined to the political or the religious, the fundamentals of the settings in �The Handmaid�s Tale�, but I can�t help noticing that this book is first and foremost about people bound to places where none of them wanted to be in but evidently could not escape, save for flights of delusional fantasy, I guess. Unfortunately this strikes a lot closer to home than I would prefer.
I know comparing our own lives to �The Handmaid�s Tale� is pretty abstract, but it is apparent that we too are somehow stuck where we are, like the characters. It�s an emotional stalemate, how we can�t let our pasts fade and won�t let our futures begin.�
* * *
Finn walked out of the classroom after Jake and Will, carrying his teaching notes. Starting towards his office, he mentally scanned his workload for the next couple of days: with no essays or assignments to mark, it looked set to be one of his more relaxing weekends, and for that he was glad.
He opened the door to his office and was startled to see an agitated Kate Fleming pacing around the room. She looked up with a surprised gasp as she heard the door open, and he walked into the room, darting a quick look out into the hallway before closing the door behind him.
� Hello.� He said a trifle awkwardly, setting his papers down, � Haven�t seen you��
� Since the semester started, I know.� She finished for him, � I�ve been avoiding you.�
� Oh.� He answered, turning to look at her. She had let her hair grow a little longer in the past few months and today she used a couple of hair clips to pull the blonde curls off her face, a new look that didn�t seem to suit her bubbly personality all that well.
� So.� She began, taking a few steps back so that the majority of the office space was between the two of them, � How are you?�
He shook his head, � Kate, I�m not really in the mood for pleasantries.�
� Okay.� She paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. � I came in here today to tell you that it�s over.�
He watched her impassively, leaning back against his desk.
� I know, I know.� She waved a hand in the air distractedly, � I always say that. But this time it�s really over, I mean it. Once and for all. Enough�s enough, Finn, I can�t do it anymore.� She lifted her head and bit her lip when she saw that he was still looking at her expressionlessly. � I�ve thought it over for the past couple of months, you know, ever since Hamilton�� She stopped, sighing as she recalled the day when her son found out about their affair.
� You know you�ve always been the one to call the shots in our relationship, Kate. If you want to end it, there�s nothing I could do.� He told her carefully, trying not to let the resentment show in his voice.
� I know.� She whispered. After a pause, she added, � I�m sorry for that too.�
� Don�t be sorry.� He told her tiredly, � That�s just how it is.�
She nodded, watching him. � So� this is it.�
He didn�t answer, looking down at his feet.
After a beat, she turned away and strode briskly out in the hall, not seeing the injured expression that he wore when he looked up, the door closing softly behind her.
Part 2 - Opening credits and theme song
Jake and Hamilton�s room
Hamilton was sitting on the ground, connecting his guitar to a small practice amp that sat next to his desk. He looked up as Jake walked into the room, exchanging goodbyes with Will, who continued on to his own room. A flicker of a shadow flitted across his face, which deepened to a frown when Jake closed the door behind her and tossed her bag on the bed, avoiding his eyes.
� Hey.� He said to her, and she glanced up briefly, returning with a dull �hi� before turning her back to him, clearly not intending to start a conversation.
He busied himself tuning for a couple of minutes before speaking, � You�re spending a lot of time with Will lately.�
She was silent, sitting down at the edge of her bed and picking up her book, but he wasn�t deterred, � Jake, look at me. We�ve been like this for weeks, and I�m not going to take it anymore.�
She sighed, setting her book down once again, � Like what?�
� Don�t do this again, Jake!� He was growing exasperated, � You know exactly what I mean! Ever since school started we�ve been like virtual strangers living under the same roof! Why are you doing this to me?�
� I�ve got�� She ran a hand through her dark hair, � I�ve got a lot of things to�� She shrugged, lost for words, � � to handle lately.�
� Things that you can talk about with Will but not with me?� He demanded, setting the guitar down.
She shrugged again and started to say something, but he cut her off angrily, � Dammit, Jake, why does everything have to be so weird with you these days? I know something must�ve happened for you to be acting this way, but shouldn�t I be the one who you talk to, not Will, not anyone else? Why are you avoiding me like crazy?�
� It�s not about you, Hamilton.� She told him, her voice raising a little.
� I didn�t say it was!� He exclaimed, � It�s about YOU! And you�re my best friend! Shouldn�t I get to hear what�s been bothering you for all this time? Why am I the one who gets left out in the cold, shut off completely from you? Jake, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?�
She watched him for a moment, her jaw clenched. � It�s not your right to know.� She told him with quiet determination.
He hit the wall with his fist in frustration. � Fine.� He spat out, walking out angrily of the room. Letting the door slam with force behind him, he didn�t notice Ryder Forrest leaning casually against the wall until the British boy spoke with amusement, � Lovers� tiff, Hammy?�
Hamilton looked up in shock, " Ryder!"
Ryder sneered at him, " Need someone to smooth things over between you? Breaks my heart to see you two kids mad at each other."
" Shut up." Hamilton told him, trying to walk away. Ryder blocked his path, " Really, Ham, you ought to lower your voice a little when you're in there. I could hear every word." He grinned, " A little jealous of Krudski there, are we? My god, this is getting more interesting by the second."
Hamilton whirled on him angrily, " Ryder, I'm warning you�"
" Funny," Ryder mused, smirking, " I've always thought that Krudski was more Finn's cup of tea, but you know, who are we to stand between him and Jake if they�"
" You know what?" Hamilton interrupted him through gritted teeth, " I don't need this. I don't need all this crap I'm going through right now and I certainly don't need jerks like you making fun of everything that's going wrong!" He pushed past Ryder, muttering to himself, " I've had enough of this place. I'm moving out."
Ryder shrugged, walking off in the direction of the dining hall with a satisfied smirk.
Hamilton wrestled his room's door open, " Jake, I've had it�"
He trailed off as Jake looked up from her bed, hastily wiping tearstains away from her cheek.
* * *
Will and Scout�s room
Scout paced the room, holding his cell phone to his ear, � Where are you?� He asked, � Why weren�t you at school today?�
Faye Archer�s voice crackled out of the phone, � I�m in Boston.�
� Boston?� Scout asked, surprised, � What are you doing there?�
� Visiting a friend of mine.� She told him, � We haven�t seen each other in ages and I didn�t have any important classes today, so I cut school to drive over.�
" So you're deserting me for the weekend?" He asked, sighing.
She laughed, " No, I�m coming back tonight. We'll go do something tomorrow, okay?"
He nodded, " All right. Well, have fun while you�re there.�
� I will.� She told him, " Come find me tomorrow, all right? Say, eleven in the morning?"
" All right." He answered, � See you then.�
* * *
Bella's Gas Station
The doorbell rang downstairs and Bella called from her room, " Dad, can you get the door? Is it Will? I'll be down in a sec." Slipping into a pair of heels, she glanced at Grace Banks, who was leaning in close to the mirror and applying lipstick. " Where are you going?"
Grace blotted her lips with a piece of tissue, which she let flutter carelessly down to the floor. Sighing, Bella picked it up and threw it in the rubbish bin. Her sister watched out of the corner of her eye before replying, " There's a party at Joe's house."
" Again?" Bella asked, " Who's going to be there?"
" Just a few people." Grace answered, a little smug, " It's an elite gathering."
Bella tried to conceal an amused smile, " Is that right?"
" Uh huh." Grace sprayed perfume liberally about her, " Most of them are Rawley guys."
" Oh, speaking of Rawley guys." Bella checked her watch, choking slightly on the overpowering fumes of Charlie Red, " Mine's waiting downstairs."
" Standard dinner-and-a-movie?" Grace asked disinterestedly, arranging her top so that her cleavage was in best view.
" Yup." Bella answered cheerfully, throwing a smile over her shoulder as she walked out of the room, " Don't get home too late, okay?"
Grace rolled her eyes, " All right, mother."
Will was talking to Charlie when Bella came down the stairs. " Hey," He greeted her, " You look nice tonight."
" Thanks." She smiled at him, smoothing down her hair, " Shall we go?"
He took her hand, " Later, Charlie."
" Have fun, kids." Charlie waved them out. Hearing Bella's truck roar to life outside, he settled down in front of the TV with a bowl full of microwave popcorn. A moment later, an abrupt blast from a car horn outside made him jump. Hearing Grace swear loudly upstairs, he raised his voice warningly, " Grace!"
" Sorry, dad." Grace hopped down the stairs, wrestling with one of her shoes, " That's my ride. I'm going to Joe's, okay?"
" You know how I feel about that Peterson boy, Grace," Charlie sounded worried, " I don't think�"
" Yeah, okay, bye." Grace sailed out of the door before he had a chance to finish his sentence. Charlie sighed as he heard a car door slam. The engine revved and he grimaced when it zoomed away, tires squealing.
* * *
New Rawley, Joe's house
Grace perched herself on one of the couches and looked around, sighing with contentment. This was where she wanted to be, where she could wind down after the long, trying, boring week, and really let her real self, whoever that was, shine through.
" Well, well, if it isn't Gracie Banks." Joe Peterson touched her on the shoulder, " How's it going?"
" Decent." She told him, taking the can of beer that he offered, " Thanks. So," She gestured around them, " Pretty cruisy gathering tonight."
He nodded, " Yeah. I don't think any of us are up to much partying. Not after last night." He raised an eyebrow meaningfully.
She sighed, " You mean the party at Simon's house? I couldn't go because my dad's really strict lately and I didn't get a chance to sneak out. How was it?"
" Wild. Too bad you couldn't go." He sympathised, " Anyway, everyone's partied out. Um�" He nodded in the general direction of the corner of the room, where people were starting to gather around a fold-out table., " Ryder's trying to get some people to play poker over there. You want in?"
" With that bastard?" She laughed, " You might as well just give him the money."
Joe had to agree, " The guy's like a damn god when he's out at that table. I'd love to know what his secret is."
" You know he doesn't play fair." Grace mused as she looked over. Ryder had taken centre stage, as usual, and he was telling everyone to sit down, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
Joe shrugged, " Hey, no one can ever prove that he cheats, guy's too damn fast with his hands. Come on, let's just go watch."
The two of them had just stood up when the doorbell sounded. Grace wrinkled her brows as Joe went to answer it: No one ever rang the doorbell on the nights that Joe had his gatherings, everyone knew everyone else well enough to just let themselves in.
It was Sean McGrail at the door. Grace was startled: she knew that Sean was friends with Joe a long time ago, but since then their interests have diverged.
" Sean! Good to see you, man!" Joe clamped a hand down on the blond boy's shoulder, despite his obvious surprise at seeing him here, " What can I do for ya?"
Sean handed him a folder, " Just notes and stuff you asked me for in class today, I said I'd drop over tonight, remember?"
" Oh, that's right. " Joe remembered, taking the folder, " Thanks, dude. Hey, wanna come in?"
Sean paused for a second, peering at the people inside the house before shaking his head, " Nah, it's cool man, I've got some stuff to do. I'll see you later, all right?" Joe didn't protest.
" Hey, Sean!" Ryder called from his table, having just spotted the townie at the door, " You're not leaving, are you?"
Sean looked over, " Hey, Ryder, how's it going?"
Ryder waved him over, " Come on, we're just getting started."
Joe looked from Ryder to Sean, " You guys know each other?"
Sean decided to come in after all, nodding his acknowledgement at Grace as he spoke to Joe, " We hung out for a while at Jim Houston's party last year." Joe nodded and they walked towards the card table, where Ryder pulled an extra chair up beside him, " You in for a hand, Sean?"
Sean looked around, sitting down and shrugging, " Yeah, why not?"
* * *
Will and Scout's room
The early morning sunrays slowly trickled through the curtains, outlining the still forms of Scout and Will as they lay sleeping. The ambience was tranquil, devoid of the tension that was usually present when both guys were in the room at the same time. The thought may have brought a tinge of melancholy to their minds, had they been awake and realised that the only time when they could be at peace with each other was when they were unconscious.
Sleep cured everything momentarily.
Frantic knocking on the door shattered the gentle silence, and they woke with muffled groans. Will, being closer to the door, fell out of bed and scrambled to open it. " Hold on, I'm coming." He called in a voice thick with sleep.
Scout hauled his upper body out of the rumpled sheets and glanced at the clock, falling back onto his pillow with a groan when he saw what the time was - way too early to be awake on a Saturday morning.
Will grappled with the doorknob and peered out into the semi-darkness in the hall. Jake stood there in her hooded Rawley sweater, looking agitated, " Hey."
" Jake!" Will exclaimed, rubbing his eyes, " What's going on?"
Jake ran both hands through her hair tersely, " I've got to talk to you. I spent the entire night awake, Will, I really need someone to listen to me. Like, right now."
Will was startled into wide-awake-ness by her tense look, and he nodded, " Yeah, sure, you wanna go outside?"
Jake nodded nervously, " Yeah, outside is good."
" Just give me a couple of minutes to get dressed." Will told her, turning back into the room. Catching sight of the time, he frowned, " Jake, I'm supposed to meet Bella in a half hour, we had plans�"
" Will," She interrupted, closing her eyes and breathing out slowly, " You know when you said that you'll be a friend when I need you to? Well, that time's pretty much now."
He paused for a moment, darting a tentative look her way before sighing, " Sure, I'll ring Bella and take a raincheck."
" Thanks, man." Her voice was strained, " I'll go wait for you in the common room."
He nodded and started closing the door, " I'll see you in a couple of minutes, okay?"
" Sure, sure." Jake replied uneasily and walked down the hall with huge strides. Will closed the door to his room and quickly rummaged through his closet, pulling a sweater over his head.
Scout watched silently from his bed, his expression troubled.
* * *
Rawley Boys' Academy, Common Room
Will put the phone's receiver to his ear and threw a glance over his shoulder at Jake, who was perched on the edge of the couch, nervously drumming her fingers on the coffee table and staring vacantly out the window.
Turning back to the phone, he bit his lip when Bella answered. " Hey." He said softly.
Jake looked toward Will and tugged on her hair, feeling too distraught to stay still. The sleepless night, so full of toss and turns, had taken its toll on her, and she looked withdrawn and tired. She resisted the urge to bite her nails.
"� Sorry, something's come up, I'm really sorry� Yeah, it�s pretty serious� I'll make it up to you, I promise� Okay, yeah, thanks. What?� There was a long pause and Jake looked up, seeing Will run his hand through his ruffled hair, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
� I can�t really talk about it,� He lowered his voice a little, � I know that sounds really bad, Bella, but I seriously can�t. It�s� well, actually I have no idea what it is either�� He paused again, frustrated, � Look, I know that didn�t really make sense but I really can�t go into details, okay? I�m really, really sorry� I'll see you later, okay? I love you� bye." He set the receiver down, turning to her, " Jake?"
" Yeah?" She jumped up.
He studied her with unease, " Let's go take a walk and�"
" Talk." She finished for him, " Good."
Part 3
Faye's room
The room was a complete mess, as usual, only more so, since glass jars full of water were everywhere. Faye had lined a few up on her dresser, a couple more were standing amidst the clutter on her desk, there was even one jar that was balanced precariously on her blue blow-up armchair. The jars were wrapped in various materials, from cloth to leather to foil.
Stellar*'s 'Every Girl' was blasting out of Faye's stereo and textbooks littered the ground as she dashed around, holding a stopwatch in one hand, pulling thermometers out of jars and recording their temperatures, scribbling the figures down on random pieces of paper that happened to float around.
--'Make mine over ice / Gin, lime over ice / You can buy my time for a little while / One to relax, I won't argue with that / Sensitise my blood sugar�'
Her hair was gathered up in a messy ponytail, a look that wasn't donned by her very often. Instead of her trademark violet contact lenses, she had on a pair of glasses with black wire rims, and the soft violet sweater that Scout gave her. Singing along to the chorus of the song, she took a thermometer out of one jar, shook it vigorously, then stuck it in another one.
--'I�m not looking for a new religion / I can get it on the television / Need to find a way in this lonely world / That�s the side effect for every girl�'
A knock sounded on the door and she called, " Come in!", nearly tripping over the mound of clothing by her bed as she took another reading from a jar wrapped in tissue paper.
Scout walked into the room, his eyes widening as he took in the sight of the room� and Faye. " What are you doing?"
" A project for physics, make yourself at home, I'll be done soon." She told him, whisking away the jar that was on the armchair so that he could sit down.
--'Tell me everything / Show me everything / You don�t even know me or anything / But you can relax / Take some comfort in that / I wont kiss and tell honey�'
" New look?" He commented, unable to take his eyes off her. She looked so different with glasses. Or maybe it was the fact that she wasn�t wearing all black for once? " It looks really good on you." He grinned when he saw that she was wearing the sweater that he gave her.
She glanced at him, smiling, " Thanks. It fits really well, doesn't it?" Touching the edge of her glasses self-consciously, she told him, " My supply of contacts ran out, so I have to wear these over the weekend. I know, I look really strange, I don't like it either."
" No," He told her, " You look good. Different, but good."
She was genuinely surprised, " Thanks."
--'I�m not looking for a new religion / I can get it on the television / I don�t need a man to complicate me / I just want someone who stimulates me / Need to find a way in this lonely world / That�s the side effect for every girl�'
He smiled at her, � How was your trip?�
� Great.� She told him, reaching across him to grab another jar. Taking it to her desk, she stuck another thermometer in it, � I meant to go over to see Josh during Christmas Break, but Ryder has this� um, thing against him, and I couldn�t desert Ryder in New York, so I went yesterday instead.�
Scout looked up, � Josh? That was your friend?�
� Mmm hmm.� She nodded, � We grew up together in England, and his family sent him away at about the same time my mother and I did. They stuck him in some boarding school near Boston� Andover, I think. God, it was so good seeing him again.� She turned to him, � he's in a band called Amnesia. Ever heard of them?�
� Amnesia?� Scout was surprised, � I have, actually. I heard that the school booked them to play at the Halloween Ball but the deal fell through or something. I overheard some girls moaning about it. They must be pretty good.�
She shrugged, � I wouldn�t know. I haven�t heard them play.� She smiled, a little nostalgia in her eyes, � I can't imagine the Josh I know in a band. Then again, he had changed over these few years. Ever since�" She paused, shaking her head slightly, but never continuing her sentence.
--'I�m letting moonlight / Have wicked way tonight / Educate me, compensate me / For living life amongst the shadows�'
Scout�s eyes were thoughtful as he watched her scurry around for a while, leaning back on the armchair. Finally he had to ask, " What kind of experiment are you doing, exactly?"
" Insulation, water temperature, blah blah blah." She waved her hand around in the air flippantly.
He choked back a laugh as he looked at the jars spread out everywhere, " Hardly a scientific investigation, Faye. Ever heard of controls?"
" Not in this lifetime." She told him cheerfully, gathering up her papers, " All right, I'm just about done. Where do you want to go today?"
He contemplated her with a smile, " I was thinking we could go to that skating rink in Carson."
" Ice skating?" She whirled around, " I can't."
" What do you mean you can't?" He asked, furrowing his brows.
" I mean, I've never tried." She told him, grinning.
He cocked an eyebrow, " You're kidding. You've never skated before?"
She shook her head, " Nope."
" Well," He stood up, grinning, " I guess I'll just have to teach you."
She shrugged, " I don't know� I'm afraid of falling."
He was undaunted, " I'll be there to catch you."
There was a temporary lull in the instrumentals as she raised an eyebrow. The vocalist's voice rang in the air.
--'I�m not looking for a new religion / I can get it on the television / I don�t need a man to complicate me / I just want someone who stimulates me�'
She grinned tentatively, " That was an extremely cheesy line, but okay."
He laughed, " I'm high on the cheese." Straying off topic, he suddenly commented, peering at her, " Your eyes. I've never seen their real colour before."
She smiled a little, looking at him, " Well, this is it. Hazel, green, brown, whatever you want to call it." She turned away from his gaze and grabbed her coat, " Come on, let's go. I've got to fill up the gas tank before we hit the road."
--'Need to find a way in this lonely world / That�s the side effect for every girl / The side effect for every girl / Every girl, yeah / Every girl�'
* * *
Rawley Academy
Kate walked along the lake�s shore, letting the wind ruffle her hair a little.
Life seemed so dreary. Purposeless. Strangely not belonging to her.
It was a wonder that her husband had not picked up something was wrong. Hamilton had refused point-blank to go to Boston with the family during Christmas break, even though Jake had left for England and there wasn�t much left for him at Rawley. On top of that he avoided speaking to his mother at every possible chance, barely remaining civil to her in front of the Dean. His grades were slipping and Steven Fleming had reprimanded him for it to no avail. He didn�t know that it was all her fault.
She was so sorry, so guilty, so�
What�s the point of going into this now? What was done was done and what was seen was already seen. All that she could do now was not to think about it and just walk through life with misplaced vacancy on in her eyes, day after day after day.
She knew that was a warped mentality, but what could she do about it? It didn�t seem as though her life was hers anymore, but rather it was split between the three men in her life: her husband, her son, and Finn. Their actions made - and continued to make - her who she was and she felt like she was fading. No more Kate Fleming, just� the woman, a woman, any woman, wife, mother, lover.
She was so sick of it. So. Sick. Of. It.
That was why she had to break free. By severing the ties that bound her to the one person with whom she could momentarily escape this life. That certainly sounded contradictory out loud. Who knows, maybe it was. She broke away from this tangled life by cutting off her only exit from it. No more adrenaline-filled stolen moments nor hastily exchanged looks when they passed in the hallway. What was, was no more. No more lying, no more cheating, no more - it hurt to think about it - Finn.
She walked up to the huge tree next to the lake and leaned against it, feeling its reassuring steadiness against her back. Like leaning into her lover�s embrace, shelter from her aimless life.
She reproached herself for that thought. There were to be no more embraces. From now on she was going to be The Dutiful Wife, and nothing besides.
If only Hamilton could forgive her, she might be able to fool herself into a false sense of the perfect family yet again, God must know that it was all she ever wanted.
But as it stood, it wasn�t even remotely possible, and she was forced to look at the aftermath of her adultery every single day. It was there in her son�s eyes, burning with such anguish that she had taken to avoiding him lately, just to get away from those accusing blue depths.
� Hey.� A voice startled her out of her reverie and she turned to see Finn walking up to her, stopping well outside of intimacy-range. This strange displacement unsettled her, and she realised with a jolt that it was going to be how it always will be, from now on.
� Good morning, Finn.� She replied with a cordial smile, nice but not too nice, welcoming but not inviting. Polished, professional, pointedly complacent.
� I�m thinking of resigning.� He told her without ceremony.
She drew a sharp intake of breath, � Why? You love it here.�
He tried to smile, � But by the same token, I believe that nothing is left for me here.�
She stared at him silently and he looked away, glancing at the lake, whose waters were rippling under the cool sun.
Unbeknownst to them, Hamilton sat against the other side of the tree, shielded by the thick trunk, 'The Handmaid's Tale' open on his knees. Keeping his breathing light and shallow, he listened, his dark lashes fluttering as he contemplated whether to get up, make his presence known, and go before he heard anything that he did not need to hear.
� Don�t do this.� Kate told Finn after a few long moments of silence, � Please don�t throw your life away.�
� I�m not so much throwing it away than making a new beginning.� He said, turning back to look at her.
She shook her head, � Finn, just stop it. You know as well as I do that you�re only doing this to escape.�
� I am escaping.� He told her, � I�m not denying that fact. But you have to realise that I�m going because I have nothing else to stay for.�
� Nothing, except yourself.� She said slowly, watching him, � And your life. Remember what it was like before me, before any of this happened.�
� But it has happened, and there�s no going back.� He sighed.
� No?� She challenged him, but didn�t wait for an answer before she walked away, feeling her emotions well up, knowing that she must go before they spilled over into something more tangible than simply feelings.
Finn watched her disappear from sight, rubbing his hand tiredly over his chin.
� You should go.� A voice suddenly said in his ear, and he jumped in surprise, � Hamilton?�
The dark-haired boy emerged from behind the tree, looking straight at him with undisguised contempt, � That�s the best idea you�ve had for a long time, Finn.� He told him softly.
� You think so.� Finn replied dully.
� I do.� Hamilton�s voice was steely. � Don�t you think you�ve ruined enough lives already? Maybe it�s time to move on.�
� You want me away from Rawley, I know�� Finn started, but Hamilton cut him off, � Not only from Rawley, Finn.�
Finn watched him, opening his mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it.
� I want you away from my mom, away from Jake, away from my dad�� Hamilton glared at him, � In short, away from everyone that I love. I don�t want to see you hurting any of them, and you will.�
� That�s very harsh, Hamilton.� The older man told him, setting his jaw.
� Yeah?� The boy replied, undaunted, possibly even happy that he had gotten through Finn�s calm exterior, lifting something within, � You know it�s true. You�re bringing everyone nothing but suffering.�
� It is not true.� Finn told him, his eyes blazing, � I won�t deny that I have done some things that maybe I shouldn�t have done and I have caused a lot of grief to the people whom we both love�� Hamilton blanched at that, but Finn continued, � But it doesn�t give you the right to say anything along those lines. I�m a human being, Hamilton, I love, I hate, I try to do the right thing and sometimes I fail. I don�t deliberately make people suffer, and you should know that!�
� GOD!� Hamilton exploded, � Listen to yourself! How can you just stand here and talk about all this deep meaningful philosophical humanised understand-thyself�� He took a hasty breath and carried on, � �CRAP? You are the one sleeping with my mother! You are the one who�s tearing my family to shreds! Don�t you understand it, Finn? You don�t have the right to talk like this any more! You of all people don�t deserve to talk about all this from an objective, contemplative angle! You�re not the guy I once thought you were, and you never will be again, so don�t� don�t do this. Don�t. Go. Leave Rawley, make a new life somewhere else and let us get on with ours.�
There was a moment of stunned silence when he stopped to catch his breath.
� Are you finished, Mr Fleming?� Finn asked quietly.
Hamilton blinked, furrowing his brows.
� Are you?� Finn pressed.
He bit his lip, � Yeah.�
� Then let me tell you something. Let me tell you a lot of things.� Finn told him, his voice tense and dark with constrained emotion, � Let me tell you that virtue is not sacred to the virtuous; that love can still be love outside of the bounds of moral; that pain is felt by everyone and you�re not the only one who�s suffering.�
The boy stared at him, and Finn held that gaze, a man who stood righteous in spite of his sins.
� Look past yourself for once,� Finn said slowly, � Maybe you�ll find something else there.�
* * *
Bella�s Gas Station
Faye pulled up into the gas station and Scout shrank lower in the seat, seeing Bella sitting inside the house, a book in her lap. Faye glanced at him quizzically, filling the tank up. � Come on.� She said, once she replaced the pump nozzle and pulled out her wallet, � Let�s go in and say hi to Bella.�
� You go.� He told her, � I�m just gonna sit here, okay?�
She shook her head, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, � Scout, you can�t just keep running away from her all the time. I know you�re trying to avoid her as much as possible, but I don�t think it�s a good idea. You�re not being logical about this.�
He sighed, � I know. It�s just� well,� He looked up, smiling self-consciously, � I� uh, haven�t actually gotten around to meeting her yet.�
� What do you mean?� She asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
He shrugged, � Well, I didn�t actually� she hasn�t� we haven�t met up face-to-face yet. I mean, since the semester started.�
� Scout.� Faye�s expression was halfway between incredulous and exasperated, � It�s nearly a month into the semester, and you hadn�t even bothered coming here and telling her that you�re back at Rawley?�
� What�s the point?� He asked, � Will would�ve told her, she knows I�m here, we don�t want anything to do with each other, everything is fine as far as I�m concerned.�
� You are so delusional.� Faye sighed as she wrenched the car door open and dragged him out, � Come on, might as well get it over with.�
� Don�t whine.� She hit him on the arm, � I hate whiny people. Especially whiny guys.�
He grinned, � Sorry. But��
She pushed opened the door and grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside, � No.�
� Why do I let you lead me around like this?� He wondered, sighing resignedly and following.
� Because I do what�s good for you and you know it, Gay Boy.� She told him as they strode up to the front desk. Bella looked up from her book and her smile froze at the sight of Scout. � Hi.� She said apprehensively.
Faye was amused to see that Scout was so uncomfortable with being in front of Bella that he didn�t even object to her calling him �Gay Boy�, a constant source of annoyance for him. � Hey!" She said cheerfully, giving him a little kick on the heel. He jumped, glancing at her in alarm. She rolled her eyes and he finally caught on, � Hi.� As an afterthought he added, � Bella.�
Faye stifled a laugh and tried to look nonchalant as she handed a couple of bills over the counter. Bella took it and nodded at Scout, � Hey.�
There was a moment�s silence as she rang up the cash register and Scout shuffled uncomfortably, his eyes darting all over the room and trying too look at everything but the girl behind the counter. Faye watched him with a small smile.
� Thanks.� Bella handed the change back to Faye, � Nice sweater.� She commented, � I don�t think I�ve ever seen you wear glasses.� She cocked her head, � Or wear your hair up, for that matter.�
Faye shrugged, � A change is good sometimes, don�t you think?�
� Mmm hmm.� Bella agreed, � You look great.�
� Thanks.� Faye didn�t believe her, but smiled anyway, � Okay, we better go. See ya later.�
� Yeah, see you.� Scout echoed, following Faye out of the shop.
� Bye.� Bella waved as she watched the two jump into the car. As the black convertible began to move, the sun�s glare was caught in its side mirror for a fleeting moment, flaring into a bright glimmer in her eyes.
* * *
Rawley Academy
Will glanced at Jake as they walked toward the lake, stopping by the boat shed. She was shivering slightly, wrapping her arms around her waist. With concern he realized that she had lost quite a bit of weight from her already slender frame, and instead of lean and athletic like usual, she looked as though she was wasting away. He berated himself for not noticing it earlier.
� Have you read that book for English yet?� She suddenly asked him, leaning back against the rickety walls of the shed.
He blinked, not sure about where this conversation was going, � 'The Handmaid's Tale'? Um, I�ve read it before, ages ago. But I started rereading it last night.�
� What did you think of it?� She asked, sliding down against the wall so that she sat on the ground, her knees drawn up to her chest.
He followed suit, chewing on his lip thoughtfully, � It�s a good book. I mean, I tend to think that the plot�� He shrugged, � Frankly it scares me. There�s more fear in that book than any horror novel, because it�s so prophetic. And I always love the way that Atwood uses words so that you can almost feel their intensity radiating off the page. She talks about philosophy and thoughts in this subdued, poetic voice� it�s almost lyrical, don�t you think?�
She nodded, casting her eyes downward.
He gazed at her, and when it became apparent that she wasn�t going to speak, he decided to take the direct approach - Will Krudski style. It was just as well that he had reread the start of the book last night and found one line particularly haunting.
� �Like other things now, thought must be rationed.�� He quoted, studying the flicker of surprise and understanding that registered in her eyes.
� �There�s a lot that doesn�t bear thinking about.�� She finished for him, blinking a couple of times, her lashes shifting, concealing and revealing again those sad hazel eyes.
� So you remember it too.� He smiled a little, � It was probably my favourite quote in the whole book. I just thought��
� That it�d have some effect on me?� She asked softly, � It did. I remember it, and I recognise it. That�s what frightens me, the way I seem to relate.�
� You don�t want to think?� He asked quietly, feeling as though he was teetering on the edge of a breakthrough.
� No, thinking doesn�t help.� She replied, resting her chin on her knees and staring out to the lake, which was shimmering in the sunshine.
� Then what does?� He asked, � What�ll help you?�
She blinked again, looking away. � I broke down yesterday.� She said, seemingly off topic, � Hamilton stormed out of the room and for some reason he came back again, and I was just sitting there, crying. He tried to talk to me� he tried to comfort me, but he didn�t, and I wish that he did��
� What do you mean?� Will asked, � What do you mean he didn�t?�
She shook her head, � I wouldn�t let him. Couldn�t.� She corrected herself, � I remember in the book Offred was talking about wanting to knead the bread dough, because it would�ve felt like flesh. Do you remember it?�
Will was getting more and more confused by her fragmented directions of conversation, � Um� I think so. I read that part yesterday.�
� �I hunger to commit the act of touch.�� Jake whispered, � That was what she said. But she couldn�t touch anything that she wasn�t supposed to touch, because they wouldn�t let her. People were out of bounds for her, and if she tried to reach out�� She looked up at him, " There's going to be consequences, you know."
A light was beginning to dawn on Will, � Everything has consequences, Jake. What are you afraid of?�
She looked down at her hands, chewing on her lower lip, " Hamilton."
He gazed at her with surprise. She kept her head down.
� Why?� He pressed.
She glanced up at him, " Because he's all I have."
Part 4
Skating rink, Carson
Faye inched along the ice, an expression of utmost concentration evident on her face. She gripped the walls that surrounded the edge of the rink, the bottom half of which was steady, solid - well, wall - and the top half clear plastic board, which enabled the skaters to look through and see the outside of the rink, where various coffee shops and non-skaters were; and also allowed said non-skaters to sit with a steaming cappuccino in hand and laugh at the skaters making fools of themselves upon the ice.
Fools, like herself, she mused, as she placed her attention to the task at hand� that is, placing one foot in front of the other. Scout, who was skating smoothly beside her and obviously feeling good about the fact that he could at least do one thing better than her, cheerfully reminded, � Faye, don�t try to walk on the ice. Slide.�
Coloured lights showered upon them at irregular intervals, while music poured out of loudspeakers in the arena. Faye had to yell to be heard over the din. � Yeah, you said about a couple dozen times.� Pushing a few strands of hair away from her face, she continued, � And I keep saying, I don�t like sliding. Sliding means there�s a lack of control. A lack of control equals bad in my book.�
He tilted his head as he pondered that fact, gliding alongside her, � I thought you said you've never heard of controls in this lifetime?�
� I exercise the control, not anyone or anything else,� She rephrased, her gloved fingers squeaking against the plastic as she shuffled forward, " And certainly not a big chunk of ice."
He had to laugh at her effort, holding out a hand, � Come on, take my hand, you have to get away from that wall if you want to learn.�
She glanced dubiously at him, � I don�t like the sound of this.� Leaning gingerly against the wall, she smiled, � I like walls.�
He grinned and took her hand, � Come on. It�s time to practise what you have always been preaching me about.�
� And what�s that?� She raised an eyebrow.
� To face up to whatever you�re afraid of and get over it.� He told her, pulling on her hand gently so that she slid forward and was forced to leave the safe vicinity of the wall.
She pouted as she steadied herself, grasping his hand firmly and holding out her other arm, hoping to gain extra balance. � I don�t remember ever saying that.�
He took an experimental stride forward and pulled her towards the centre of the rink, � Look, just hold onto my hand, okay? You�ll be fine. Watch me and just try to follow what I do.� He tried to demonstrate and she obliged, the two of them moving in sporadic sync and sometimes even managing to take a few strides harmoniously.
Scout had to admit, Faye was an extremely efficient learner. Despite all her misgivings she had picked up on the main points of ice-skating almost straight away, and he was sure it was only her own doubts that prohibited her progress. Her hand latched onto his own, he noted the tentative grace with which she moved.
They skated around the rink for a while, gradually gathering speed as Faye gained enough confidence to move faster than a snail� even a snail on ice. � See, this isn�t so bad, is it?� He asked, grinning.
She grinned back, not taking her eyes off the path in front of her, � I guess it could suck a lot more than this.�
� Do you want to take a break?� He asked, eyeing his watch.
� Sure.� She nodded, and they skated towards one of the many entrances that opened around the rink. As they neared it, she spoke up, � Uh, Scout.�
� Yeah?� He glanced at her, slowing down as they went.
� How do I stop?�
He barely had time to register before took an instinctive half turn and his skates ground on the ice, bringing him to a stop right at the entrance. Faye went flying past him and straight into the wall, shrieking as she hit it with a dull thud. Scout couldn�t help laughing as he saw a little old lady on the other side of the clear plastic wall gave a horrified gasp as Faye seemingly charged straight toward her, get abruptly halted on the way, then slide out of sight as her skates gave way. He was still laughing as she took his hand and tried to haul herself up, � Great going, Archer.�
� Shut up and help me get out of here.� She grinned, rubbing the top of her forehead, which� sorta took the impact. She blinked a couple of times and grimaced as the stars dancing in front of her eyes finally seemed to cease, � Well, that was bracing.�
� You okay?� He asked, concerned.
� No worse off than before.� She told him, staggering as she stood up.
They were making their way out of the rink when tinkling opening instrumentals of Zed�s �Renegade Fighter� filled the air. Faye turned, her eyes lighting up, shushing Scout when he was about to say something.
Over the sound system, a guitar riff broke the soft establishing chimes and Faye grinned, � I love this song! Let�s go back in!� Grabbing Scout�s arm, she dragged him back towards the rink. He followed, smiling.
--�Can I walk here beside you, can I speak your name / Can I just be here / Can I speak in anger, can I speak in shame / Can I just be here��
� Who�s this song by?� He shouted over the music as they glided back out onto the ice.
� Zed!� She yelled back, � I can�t believe they�re playing the song here! They were such an obscure band when I last heard of them, but I absolutely adore their music!� The loud chorus drowned out what she said next, so he just smiled and took her hand.
--�I'm a lover, I'm a winner, I'm a fighter / Gonna set your soul on fire / I'm a lover, I'm a Renegade Fighter / Gonna set your soul on fire / I'm a lover, I'm a sinner, I'm a fighter / Gonna set your soul on fire�'
Faye clutched Scout's hand tightly as they took off, growing more confident with every stride. She managed to half-turn her head to smile at him, and he smiled back. For a moment as they glided, the lights that fell upon them shone a bright shimmering blue.
He could believe that, for an instant there, those dancing lights in her eyes seemed to have struck some unseen, hidden chord. Suddenly very aware of the tingle of the cold air on his face and the steadiness with which she was holding onto his hand, he failed to notice that they had left their original path and were, in fact, heading straight toward another wall.
--'Can I sit in silence, can I speak your name / Can I just be here / Can you find the pieces that I can rearrange / Can I just be here�'
Faye held the smile on her lips as she looked down to mark her progress with the skates. Scout, having lost eye contact, turned his head just in time to see plastic walls loom up to greet them. Uttering a short exclamation of surprise, he swerved sharply to the right� straight into Faye's path. She was still looking down and her forehead hit his shoulder with surprising force, knocking him sideways. She swore loudly and he staggered, tripping over his own skates. She had no other way to stop, and he looked up to see her lunge toward him, half-gasping and half-laughing. His arms shot out to steady her, but she was grabbing at him wildly and both their frantic gestures were somehow lost in a few moments of disordered grappling, both of them managing to stay upright for the time being� if it weren't for their laughter.
--'Now that its clear you don't have to worry at all / Now that its clear you can do what you like / And now that its clear you don't have to worry at all / Now that its clear you can do what you like�'
Despite their combined efforts at keeping the other standing, they still ended up on the floor, cold and wet from the ice and their continuous efforts to get themselves up only to fall back down again, breathless with giggles.
--'And I'm a lover, I'm a sinner, I'm a fighter / Gonna set your soul on fire / I'm a lover, I'm a Renegade Fighter / Gonna set your soul on fire�'
* * *
Rawley Boys' Academy, Common Room
Ryder looked up to see Hamilton trudge dispiritedly into the room, sinking into the couch and flicking the television on without even a glance elsewhere.
He looked forlorn and lost and confused, and Ryder loved it.
" Oi, Hammy." He called from his vantage point, the armchair by the bookshelf, where he could take in the whole of the room - read: make fun of the whole of the room - without any effort on his neck whatsoever. " Where's your better half?"
" Why do you care?" Hamilton replied with barely a glance in his direction, and the lack of attention annoyed Ryder.
" Of course I care," He replied, " Someone's got to keep an eye on our resident poofs, keeping them from mischief an' everything." Hamilton rolled his eyes and didn't reply, so Ryder hastened to add, " I'm only asking for your own good, Ham. I mean, if I were you�" He didn't forget to remark, " And I'm glad as hell I'm not - but if I were, I'd be pretty damn pissed right now, y'know, the thing with Jake and Will and everything."
" There's nothing going on between Will and Jake." Hamilton glared at him vehemently.
" You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Ryder smirked.
Hamilton rolled his eyes again and turned away, not bothering to reply. Ryder watched him and grinned slowly, " You're so blind, Ham."
Hamilton didn't bother turning back around, but facing away from Ryder, his expression betrayed more than a hint of unquiet.
* * *
Rawley Lake
Will touched Jake on the shoulder and she flinched, but did not turn away.
� Why are you doing this?� He asked, softly, softly, because she looked so weary.
She shook her head, � I ask myself that question every single day. What I�m feeling�� She paused, taking a breath, � What I�m doing. It�s so contradictory, and even though I'm the one person who's right in the middle of it, it still seems so purposeless to me." She shrugged her shoulders with fatigue, " And if I think that, I can't even imagine what other people must see when they look at me."
He watched her and wondered if he should say something, but she continued, " And it�s not right to anyone, not to Hamilton, not to myself either, and I know that. But it�s harder than it sounds to just get over it. You know, the stupid breakdowns and the stupid decisions and the stupid fears��
" You can't tell yourself what to feel." He told her quietly, " So don't call what you feel 'stupid'. Whatever it is that you're berating yourself over, it has to be more than just 'stupid'. It means something to you."
" I don't even know what anything means to me anymore." She whispered, " I� I'm so scared of it all. Of change, or of not changing; of telling, or not telling anybody�" She turned away, swallowing with difficulty.
� You know how we were talking about suppression in �The Handmaid�s Tale�?� He asked, furrowing his brows, � And how it pins you down, choking all the individuality and sense of purpose� generally sucks the life out of you?�
She nodded, eyes trained on the lake in the distance.
� That�s what I feel now, every time I look at you.� He told her, � And I hate it. I hate to see my friends like this. This secret� whatever it is, it�s killing you.�
She bit the inside of her lip, remaining silent.
� And you won't know this, but I was really torn over what to say to you and what to do.� He continued, �You seemed so desolate that I was scared you might to something to hurt yourself, and even though I was worried, I was scared that I�d put ideas in your head if I had tried to force some sort of truth out of you.�
� �It�s those other escapes��� She murmured softly, turning.
He contemplated her wistful eyes before nodding and finishing the quote from the book, � �� the ones you can open in yourself, given a cutting edge.��
She stared at him, � How do you do it?�
� Do what?� He asked, running a hand through his hair.
� Just remember� all those quotes from absolutely everywhere.� She told him, turning to face the lake again, � You relate everything to literature.�
� You�re doing it too.� He smiled gently.
� I like this book.� Was all she said.
His eyes followed her gaze, and they watched the sun throw its golden rays upon the cool waters, reflection creating double the light that there was.
Jake closed her eyes and inhaled, bringing her hand to her forehead and massaging the bridge of her nose wearily. Opening her eyes and breathing out, she took her hand away from her face and Will could see her fingers nervously strumming the air as she tried to put something into words.
� What do you know about Rohypnol?� She asked him finally, looking down.
He was quiet for a moment before realisation sank in. Turning ever so slowly, he faced her, eyes widening in disbelief, � The date rape drug?�
� Yeah.� She answered curtly.
� God, Jake, what are you saying?� He panicked, � Did you� I mean, London� oh, god. You didn�t get� get�?�
She glanced at him, her tone distant, � Raped?�
He drew a shaky breath, � Did you?�
� What would you do if I said yes?� She asked him, shivering a little in the cold.
� My god.� He whispered, the shock taking coherence out of him, � I don�t know� god, Jake, I don�t know.�
She shrugged, one of those ill-fitting gestures, considering the time and situation.
� Relax, Will. I didn�t.�
He blinked, � Then�?�
� Nearly, though.� Biting her lip, she looked out to the lake again, � He� um, slipped a couple of tablets into my drink, and I would�ve been�� She shrugged again, leaving the word unsaid, � But� it was lucky that my mom walked in on him just in time to stop him from�� She stopped again, a slight blush crawling up her cheek, be it anger or embarrassment.
Will let out a breath that he didn�t realise he was holding, � Jake��
� No, don�t say anything.� She told him, � No one else knows this around here, Will, not even Hamilton. You�re the first person who I�ve told it to, and actually� actually telling somebody about it�� She buried her face in her hands, her voice muffled, � Just sit here with me, all right? Let�s not talk just yet. I don�t think I can.�
He nodded, numb with shock. Stealing a peek at her, he saw that she had rested her elbows on her knees, her cold hands covering her pale features.
* * *
Bella�s Gas Station
Bella tapped her fingers on the counter, glancing at the clock with boredom. The afternoon sun shone through the windows with a dim orange-yellow glow, and she heaved a long sigh when she realised that she had spent almost the entire day sitting around, serving the few customers that were driving through, and generally not accomplishing much at all.
He life seemed to be on a standstill.
Will had cancelled their plans to spend the day together at the last minute, and he had sounded very secretive on the phone. She didn�t know what it was, but she didn�t like it, and the day started - for her - on a down note.
Then Scout came along.
She didn�t realise that seeing him again would�ve had such a large impact on her. Sure, she had often thought about the fact that he didn�t once come to see her since the semester started, but figured that he needed time to deal. Seeing him again� how long had it been? A month or so? It was strange. His hair was shorter, his demeanour quieter. And there was something in his eyes when he looked at her that made her uncomfortable, exposed even. It was the fire they used to have, converted to anguish, and she suddenly realised she wasn�t ready to deal with that, either.
So, whilst she worried about Will and his whereabouts, she was also very aware of the melancholy that Scout seemed to bring with him, all guilt and conscience and trying to subtly steer him away from the dreams that they had once shared� lived.
She was just turning those thoughts over in her head, trying to make some solution out of the problems that seemed to have presented themselves, when Faye's car pulled up next to the gas station again. Scout and Faye emerged from it, laughing hysterically.
She furrowed her brows: then again, maybe she was reading too much into everything. He certainly didn't seem to be caught up in the throes of depression as she had imagined him to be.
They pushed the door open, still laughing over whatever it was that they were talking about. " Hey, Bella!" Faye called, " Had a good day?"
No, Bella thought but her voice seemed to stray, " Yeah, fine."
Scout hung back a little, still smiling, but obviously ill at ease in Bella's presence. Faye strode forward and explained, " We were just on our way back, and I suddenly remembered you wanted to borrow that CD of mine?" She slid a CD case over the counter, " It was in my car so I'm dropping it off before we get back to Rawley."
" Thanks." Bella told her, picking it up, " Um� so, did you guys have a good time?"
Faye turned and glanced at Scout, the two of them bursting out laughing again as soon as their eyes met, " Yeah� yeah, we had 'fun'." She grinned, making quotation marks with her fingers, " If you think banging into walls repeatedly is a fun thing to do."
" Hey," Scout told her, " The first time was my fault, but afterwards�"
" I told you, I can't see properly with these glasses!" Faye interrupted, laughing, " It's not my fault that I can't see anything!"
" Yeah, right." He rolled his eyes with good humour, " And the fact that you made me crash into the same wall every time you did was just a coincidence, was it?"
" Yup." She replied cheerfully, " Sure was."
Bella watched their light-hearted exchange with an intense feeling of detachment. " Um� that's great, guys." She told them, nodding and smiling.
Faye turned back to her, " Hey, where's Will?" She asked, looking around. Bella couldn't help but notice that Scout's smile faded a little when she said that, and he threw a couple of quick glances around the room, as though Will was going to jump out from behind the curtains at anytime. She shrugged, " I don't know. He was doing something in the morning and I haven't heard from him since then."
" Jake wanted to talk to him this morning." Scout suddenly piped up, looking straight at her for the first time since� well, nearly forever. She swivelled her head towards him in surprise and he shrugged, surprised at his input, and turned his gaze away again.
" Jake." Bella repeated, frowning, " Okay."
Faye's curious eyes observed the brief exchange, and grinning a little, she walked towards the door again, " Well, see ya later, Bella."
" Yeah, see ya." Bella called. After a moment's pause she added, " You too, Scout."
He stopped in the doorway and half-turned, contemplated, then raised a tentative hand to wave goodbye. Turning back to Faye, he followed her out to the car. As they jumped into it, Will came to a stop with his bike in front of the station. He and Scout studied each other coolly, then each turned away. The convertible slid out of the station and Will walked into the shop, but could not help looking over his shoulder as Scout and Faye disappeared from sight.
" Hey." Bella acknowledged him, standing up.
" Hey." He replied, turning back to her, " Look, Bella, I'm really sorry about this morning, okay? I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise."
" Don�t worry about it." She told him, trying hard to make her voice light, " So� what was the big emergency?"
He paused, " Um� a friend had a few problems that we had to talk out."
" Are they serious?" She asked, flopping down on the couch. He followed suit, and took his time answering, " Uh, yeah."
" Who was it?" She knew that her voice was sharper than it should've been, and she tried to sound less accusatory, " Anyone I know?"
A vision of Jake flashed before Will's eyes, all urgency and pleas, " Don't say anything, please�"
Please�
It was for the best, he decided, if Jake didn't want him to say anything, it wouldn't be fair to give anything- anything at all- away.
" No." He told Bella, " It was just a friend from school."
Bella fought the urge to bite her lip, thinking about what Scout had just said. But she only nodded, " Oh, okay."
* * *
Rawley Boys' Academy, dorms
*Zed's 'Come On Down' plays in the background*
--'He's your focus, when the light's not green / You come and go so soon / You pass him off now, as another friend / But nothing special�'
Faye stopped with Scout on the stone steps, the two of them watching the darkening sky. She sighed when she saw the now-familiar glaze settle once more into his eyes, " Don't do this to yourself."
" I can't help it." He told her, " She� she just does that to me."
She didn't speak for a long time, and when she did, he had to strain to hear her. " You might think it's impossible now, but you will get over her. I know you can, and you will."
--'Since I've seen what you're gonna be / I couldn't leave that loaded gun in your hand / Said no, no, no� / Said no, no and I wish - that you would come on down / And get involved / And I wish - that you would stick around / Just come on down�'
He sighed, " When?"
She contemplated him evenly, " I think you're already doing it. Getting over all this, leaving it behind."
He looked up, " I am?"
She nodded, " When the pain you feel turns into nostalgia, you know you've done it. Nostalgia is different from pain, Scout. It might leave this perpetual hollow ache in your chest, but it's different from what eats you up inside."
--'Face the wall now, seems you've messed up again / How did you know so soon? / Don't pass it up now, the colours change through the day / They're looking different already�'
He looked at her, watching the night wind lift her hair gently about her shoulders, then settle back down again, like feathered moonlight.
" Tell me you feel it." She whispered, " How the love you have for her is slowly becoming something else, something that might hurt a little bit less."
He nodded, feeling that it was strangely inadequate to speak.
--'Since I've seen what you're gonna be / I couldn't leave that loaded gun in your hand / Said no, no, no� / Said no, no and I wish - that you would come on down / And get involved / And I wish - that you would stick around / Just come on down�'
She smiled a little, " Believe me."
" I do." He told her, smiling back, " More than anything. Thank you." Holding out his arms, he hugged her, and murmured again, " Thank you."
She sighed softly against his shoulder, closing her eyes for a brief moment.
--'No, don't you tell me / What's on your mind / Cos if I hesitate and run or leave that loaded gun in your hand / Well I wish, I wish, I wish�'
He held her, thinking, feeling, and admitted to himself that she was right: nostalgia was becoming more prominent every day; and the pain� the pain was easing. It really was.
It didn't occur to them that they were hugging each other for far too long, but when Scout shifted, turning to look at her, Faye pulled away suddenly. Punching him on the shoulder, she backed down the stairs, " I'll see ya later." She grinned.
Scout blinked, " See ya." He replied, still standing on the top of the steps, watching thoughtfully as she ambled into the darkness.
--'And I wish - that you would come on down / And get involved / And I wish - that you would stick around / Just come on down, yeah come on down / And I wish, since I've seen what you're gonna be/ That you would come on down, and get involved / And I wish, since I've seen what you're gonna be/ That you would stick around, and I wish, I wish, I wish�'
Part 5
Rawley Academy
Will couldn�t help his teeth clattering as he walked briskly to the school's gates. The day was extremely cold, but bright and clear. In the distance he saw the lake glimmer, and couldn't help but stop for a while, admiring its beauty in the peace of Sunday morning. It wasn't exactly early, but most of the Academy was taking the opportunity to sleep in, and very few people were around.
Bella was strangely quiet last night, and he couldn't remember the last time he had felt so uncomfortable in her presence. It was as though she was mad at him for something, and he didn't know what it was or how to fix it. The only possible reason he could come up was that she was mad he deserted her for the day, but surely she had more sense than that, right?
He had left pretty early last night, promising to do something fun today, just the two of them, hoping to make it up for whatever it was that he did or did not do yesterday.
He was momentarily distracted by a shadow that seemed to extend itself out of the big tree by the lake. Curious, he walked closer. " Hello?" He called.
The shadow jumped, and Jake's face peeked out from behind the tree, " Oh, it's you."
" Hey." He acknowledged her, " How are you doing?"
She shrugged, " Been better."
" I can believe that." He shuffled uncomfortably on the spot.
She started to speak, then faltered. He caught the look, and asked, " What is it, Jake?"
" You didn't� you didn't say anything to Bella, did you?" She asked timidly.
" Of course not." He told her, " I wouldn't do that to you. Look, this is your privacy and your issue, and although I'll always be there to help you through it, I won't tell anyone if you didn't want me to. You've got to believe me."
She nodded, " I do. I mean, I know you're not that kind of person, Will, I'm just worried� you and Bella are so close, it's hard to imagine�"
He cut her off, " Jake, you know me."
She nodded again, chewing on her lower lip, " Thanks."
" You okay?" He asked, feeling more than a little uneasy.
She glanced up at him, " What do you want me to say to that?"
He smiled with embarrassment, " I don't know, actually. This whole thing had taken me by surprise. It's, um, still very�" He paused and tried again, " Tell you the truth I'm still recovering from the shock. I can't even begin to imagine what it would've been for you."
She looked at him with something like gratitude in her eyes, " You don't think I'm overreacting?"
He widened his eyes, " Of course not!"
She bit her lip, " You know, not many people think like that."
" What do you mean?" He asked, " I thought you didn't tell anyone else."
She shook her head, " There were the people back in London. The police, the psychiatrist my mom made me go see, people like that."
" Oh." He nodded, a moment later he asked, " What do you mean they don't think like that?"
" It was just�" She shrugged again, " Never mind."
" Please don't close up again, Jake." He told her, " Whatever you need to say, I'll listen to." To make his point, he sat down on the ground, leaning against the tree and looking at her expectantly.
She smiled a little and sat down next to him. " Thanks."
" What are friends for?" He grinned, " So, what did you want to say?"
She looked out to the lake, tranquil in the morning sun.
Will could sense something like anger behind her quiet words, " You know, they say they understand, but they don't. None of them really get it."
" What do you mean?" He asked.
" They assume that since nothing technically happened, that everything was just� fine." She told him, shaking her head, her voice fading to a mere whisper, " None of them understand that it's not what happened that was important, but how it made� made me feel."
He glanced at her, " You're not lingering on the physical here?"
" I� I don�t know how to make you see this picture." She sighed, then tried again, " I was just� just sitting in the police station, being�interrogated. And you could see it on their faces, that all this meant�" She swallowed, blinking, " � It meant nothing to any of them. They take one look at me and think, 'oh, isn't it lucky that she wasn't raped', and leave it there. God, the officer who was interviewing me, she� she kept telling me that everything was fine, since Grant didn't 'get' me, and in her mind, that was enough, they don't care that I was�" She tugged fiercely on her hair, " � drugged and manhandled and groped and scared to death, all they cared about was that I wasn't raped. And since I wasn't, everything was� Everything was just, bloody, fine, when it wasn't, it wasn't�" She turned her face to the sky, closing her eyes for a moment.
Will reached out, laying a hand gently on her shoulder. " Grant? Was that�?"
" Yeah," She nodded, opening her eyes and observing the blue skies overhead, " That was the guy. He was my mom's boyfriend."
He couldn't help an expression of disgust, " My god."
" Yeah, my reaction exactly." She laughed bitterly, but did not offer any further elaboration.
" So�" He started again, not sure where to go with the conversation.
She buried her face in her hands, " Have you ever had one of those dreams where it feels like your legs are filled with lead, and you know you've got to get up and run but you just can't, no matter how hard you try?"
He nodded silently.
" Well, that was me." She told him, her voice breaking, " That was me just trying to find an ounce of control in my own body; and that was me trying to keep myself awake even though that drug was just forcing me to pass out; that was me trying to move away from him, get off that goddamn bed in his goddamn hotel room, even jump out of a window if I had the chance�"
Will swallowed, struck by the desperation in her words.
Her lower lip trembling, Jake continued, " But I couldn't, I couldn't do any of those things... I was just lying there on his bed, and it felt like a part of me was separated from that whole thing, and just standing there and watching myself, lying there�" She shook her head, forcing the words out, though her throat felt as though it was closing up. " You don't know how much I wanted to die just then, because at least that would mean I still had some control over my life, over myself�" She choked back a dry sob, " But I didn't. I wasn't the master of me at all, he was. And that�" She shook her head again, " That was truly the dirtiest feeling in the world."
Will placed a hand gingerly, consolingly, on her shoulder. " Jake, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that."
She swallowed, taking a shuddering breath, " So I guess you can understand why I had to break up with Hamilton when I came back." She whispered, determined not to cry, because she had cried too much already. The tears were there but she won't let them flow. " I couldn't stand being touched, especially being touched by someone I love."
He nodded, " I think I do, yeah."
" And I couldn't deal with everything, I couldn't even think about what happened, much less talk to someone about it." She looked down, twisting her hands in her lap, " I felt like I was going insane, and all those pent-up feelings from inside of me were just all going to explode one day and leave me this blubbering, senseless idiot�" She looked up again suddenly, glancing at him, hoping to see compassion and understanding. To her relief, she did see it, so she continued, " That's why I had to break up with him, his love was just another feeling that I had to escape, to stop me from snapping� I couldn't tell him, so I had to get away from him."
Will nodded, knowing that it was more his time to listen than to speak.
" But now, I've spent a month walking around, just waiting for a time where I'm not overloaded any more, and I can think about what happened� And you know, finally, I find that I can." She allowed a small, rueful smile, " I can think about the name 'Grant' and not break down; I can look at a glass of cherry coke without shuddering; I can listen to someone mention 'London' without flinching; and I can even talk to Hamilton once in a while�"
" But that's good, isn't it?" Will asked, " It means you're healing."
She shook her head, " No, it's not good that I'm healing."
He looked at her quizzically, and she tapped her fingers on her knees absently, trying to verbalise her newfound fears, " It's not good, because it means that I have to face the consequences."
" What do you mean?" He asked, running a hand through his hair.
She took a while answering. " When I broke up with him, I had this huge fear of breaking down, so at least that part was okay for me, because� technically, I couldn't think about it. It was beyond me to understand what I've done to him - and to me - by breaking up with him, just like that." She sighed, " now I don't have that excuse anymore. I need to talk to him, to tell him the truth behind all of this. But�" She heaved a trembling sigh, " God, I am so scared."
" He won't judge you on something that wasn't your fault." Will told her, his eyes boring into hers
" But he can make decisions on what I did to him." She replied, feeling the tears well up again. With impatience she willed them away, almost angry with herself and her ability to be weak. " I just came back and told him it's over, and up until now, I haven't given him a single explanation why."
Will was silent. It had been a month since all of this started, and for every day of that month, he had seen Hamilton wandering aimlessly around the halls, on the docks, around the lake, looking lost and disoriented and confused and in desperate need of sleep and food.
But most of all, her looked hurt. So much so, in fact, that he seemed perpetually dazed. Shell-shock for the heart, perhaps.
Jake understood his silence, and nodded quietly, " I know Hamilton, and I can see how much I've hurt him in this past month, just by being here." She gestured toward herself, at her pale, gaunt face and shivering body, " You think this secret is killing me? Have you even seen what I'm doing to him? He never understood because I never gave him a reason, and he hates that, he hates it�" She trailed off, trying to get rid of the lump that had risen in her throat.
" But you have reasons, and if you just explained�" Will tried to rationalise, " He might be a little pissed off at the start, but he will come around eventually."
" You don't understand." She told him vehemently, " I can't handle consequences right now, and I sure as hell can't handle rejection , especially from him."
He furrowed his brows, " But�"
" Look at me, Will." She interrupted, and he obliged. Carefully observing her, he could hardly believe this was the same Jake that he had come to know in the past months. No longer was she lithe and deer-like and full of life, but pale and - he hated to use that word, but for lack of a better one - eerie. Still beautiful, no doubt, the dark rings around her eyes only serving to emphasise their ethereal melancholy, but� so different, so - god, he never thought it'd be a word that he'd associate with Jake Pratt, but - weak.
She watched him and wondered if he could understand why she was telling him to look at her.
He must be able to see that all her vulnerability is uncovered, all of her wounds exposed to the world.
But she had to say it out loud.
" If I get up from here and go tell him this entire story right now, his first reaction would be to turn away to absorb the shock. He's someone who needs time to think everything over, I know." She whispered, thinking back to the night of the Cotillion, when he stumbled away from her in astonishment and confusion, backing out of the bathroom stall, a mixture of horror and disgust written on his face.
She shook her head, " But I don't have the capacity to wait anymore, if he turns away from me, I might just curl up and die on the spot." She shook her head again, a mask of depression settling over her features, " I'm not the person I used to be, Will, and this is Hamilton I'm talking about here." She drew a deep breath and repeated softly, "� Hamilton."
It was he who mattered, in the end.
" If he goes away after hearing everything that I have to say and all the apologies that I have to make, I'll be left with nothing." She whispered, the tears finally spilling over, " I will be nothing."
She could tell herself not to cry when she was lying in that dark hotel room in London, Grant fumbling with the zipper on her dress.
She could tell herself not to cry when she was sitting under those fluorescent lights in the police station, giving a verbal recount of the night for the third time.
She could tell herself not to cry when she was sitting down on the psychiatrist's chair, holding the hysteria in.
But she'd be made out of stone if she wasn't going to cry over the fact that, the love of her life would turn his back on her before he would ever turn back to her, the two of them happy again.
" I can't take that chance right now," She choked out, " I can't hold myself together enough to take his shock and his anger, which is bound to come before forgiveness."
" But he will forgive and forget." Will emphasised.
She shook her head, " And by then it'll be too late."
Because she'd be broken.
She was only strong until permitted.
* * *
Faye's room
A series of frantic knocks startled Faye and Leah awake. Glancing sleepily at each other, they groaned out loud. " Who is it?" Faye called, rubbing her eyes.
" Me!" Scout's muffled voice called from outside the door, " Faye, I need to talk to you."
" Scout?" She dragged herself out of the bed, glancing at Leah, " You decent?"
Leah burrowed back into her bed, mumbling, " Whatever, take it outside if you're going to have a talk marathon."
" Will do." Faye yawned as she opened the door. Scout slipped through, looking over his shoulder to see if any teachers had spotted him. Closing the door behind him he asked, " Did I wake you up?"
Faye squinted at the clock, " I could've sworn I told you never to wake me up before noon on Sundays. Anyway, I'm awake now, what's up?"
" I need to talk to you." He said urgently, dragging her away from Leah's bed.
" We've established that." She yawned again, " What about?"
" God, even your pyjamas are black?" He sidetracked for a moment, looking at her black satin pyjama bottoms and matching tank top.
" Off topic, Scout." She rubbed her eyes.
He took a deep breath, " Okay. I was up all last night just thinking about what you said, you know, getting over this, getting over Bella." He told her, starting to pace frantically around the room. She caught up with him and forced him to sit down on the blow-up armchair, " Scout, watching you is making me dizzy. Sit still."
" I can't." He said, jumping up again, " this is important."
She pushed him back down, " Sit." She commanded, perching on the edge of her bed, " Now, what is this about?"
" I'm over her." He told her, almost desperately, " I'm over it, over this whole thing, over the Bella and Will crap, totally over it. I want to start again, I want to live my life again. I want to�"
" We get the picture." Leah muttered from the other bed. Faye choked back a laugh, " Sorry." She apologised.
" I am." He told her, " You know the thing you said about nostalgia? It's just that, nothing more. I was searching and searching last night and all I could find was this sadness that seems to rule my life, but there was no more pain. I'm over it."
" No, you're not." She told him.
" Yes, I am." He replied, looking straight at her.
She rolled her eyes, " You don�t get over something just because you tell yourself to, Scout, you need time."
" But I am over it, I know I am." he cried frantically, " Screw the Bella and Will thing, I don�t care anymore, it's time to move on."
" See," She sighed in exasperation, " You don't get it. You actually get over whatever it is that you're getting over first, then you tell yourself that you're over it; not the other way around."
" Give me the benefit of the doubt." He told her, " How do you know I'm not okay with it?"
Faye scrutinised him evenly and walked toward him, bending down so that her eyes were level with his. He looked back, a little guarded, since a mischievous smile was playing about her lips.
They stared into each other's eyes, his apprehensive, hers calculating.
" Hamilton." She whispered suddenly, and he raised an eyebrow, " What?"
" Wait, wait." She told him, and went back to staring at him. He shook his head, " What the hell are you doing, Faye?"
" That's what I'd like to know." Leah commented from her bed, watching the two of them with interest. Faye waved a hand at her, " Go back to sleep." Turning back to Scout, she whispered abruptly, "Bella."
He flinched, and she grinned, straightening up, " Here we go. What more proof do you need?"
" What?" He demanded, " What? I don't get it."
" God, you jump when she says that girl's name, and you think you're over her?" Leah commented, rolling her eyes.
" But she just surprised me!" He protested, standing up.
" Ever heard of controls?" Faye turned his words back on him, smiling, " That's why I said Hamilton first."
Scout opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Faye pushed him toward the door, " Go back to bed, Scout, you probably need some sleep."
" But�" He started to say, and she lifted a finger to his lips, " You'll be ready when you're ready, don't try to make the pain go away."
He paused at the door, looking at her. She looked back, yawning again.
He smiled suddenly, " You know what? You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
" No harm done." She told him, " Now let me get some sleep."
" But I'll get over this one day. Like, soon." He promised her.
" Good, good." She pushed him out of the door, " See ya later."
" Hang out this afternoon?" He asked.
" I can't." She told him regretfully, " I'm going out with Ryder."
He shrugged, " Some other time."
' Love to." She told him, smiling. He waved and disappeared down the hall, and she closed the door, leaning back against it. Letting out a long sigh, she massaged her temples, biting down hard on her lower lip.
Leah watched her, and her eyes narrowed thoughtfully with the scrutiny.
* * *
Bella's Gas Station
Bella checked her watch again, getting more pissed off by the minute. Will said that he'd turn up by ten, it was noon and there was no sign of him anywhere. Looking across the road to the diner, she spotted Sean lounging around in one of the booths. She waved at him, but he didn't see her.
She was just about to go across the road to say hi to him when a shiny red Corvette pulled up. She knew the car well - she had stolen it once, after all - and also knew that its owner wasn't one with whom pleasantries were to be exchanged.
Strangely enough, Sean seemed to have fallen on the good side of Ryder Forrest's graces, so she just watched in confused worry as Ryder walked into the shop and sat down in Sean's booth, and Sean looked up, smiling.
* * *
Jake and Hamilton's room
Hamilton looked up from his copy of 'The Handmaid's Tale' when someone knocked on the door. " Come in." He called, but scowled when it opened and Kate Fleming emerged on the other side.
" Hello." She said, closing the door softly, " How are you?"
" Fine." He replied tersely, turning back to the book.
" What are you reading?" She asked softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
" Book for school." He told her in a monotone.
" Oh, what is it?" She asked, as though she couldn't believe that he was talking to her and wanted to confirm this fact, over and over again.
He sighed, " 'The Handmaid's Tale'."
" Is it good?" She continued, tapping her fingers a little nervously on the bed.
He peered at her over the edge of the book, " Did you have a point in coming here or was it just to engage in mindless small talk?"
She looked down, shrugging, " I� I don't know."
" Whatever." He told her, fixing his eyes on the words on the page, but couldn't bring himself to actually take them in.
She bit her lip as she looked up again, " Can you put the book down for a minute, Hamilton? I need to talk to you."
" You are talking to me." He told her, staring at the pages.
" Please, munchie, just humour me." She pleaded softly.
" Why should I?" He retorted.
She sighed, " Because I'm your mother�"
He rolled his eyes, but she pretended not to notice, "� and I think that it's time for us to start talking about some of the stuff that has happened in the past couple of months."
" No thanks." He told her, " I'd rather not."
" But we need to." She answered, toying with his bedspread, " You know we do."
" You need to." He corrected her, " I don't. So stop trying to force your problems on me. I saw it, I know what's going on, I'm trying to forget it, let's leave it at that."
" But�" She tried to start, but he interrupted her, " Don't, I don't want to know."
She talked over him, " I ended it. With Finn. The thing with him, it's over."
After a beat he replied, " � Okay."
" So�" She prompted, looking at him hopefully.
" So� what?" He asked, his blue eyes flickering upwards to scan her face for a brief second, before casting them down again.
" I was hoping to get a slightly better reaction than this." She sighed.
" Well, what did you expect?" He asked, " That everything will just be magically compensated for when you tell me that it's over?"
The look on Kate's face suggested that it was indeed what she thought.
Hamilton shook his head, " God, mom, don't you get it at all? It's not about what you did, it never was about that!"
Kate looked lost. " What?" She asked in a small voice.
Her son looked at her with something close to pity in his eyes, " It's about how you've failed."
She blinked, not comprehending.
" You don't deserve to be my mother." He told her quietly. " You've proven that the day I saw you with him, and nothing is going to make up for that."
* * *
Bella's Gas Station
Will looked sheepish as he walked into the gas station, with good reason, one might add. The clock read 3:30, and Bella had long since given up waiting for him. With barely a glance in his direction, she went back to working on her truck.
He smiled apologetically as he came closer, trying to gauge her reaction, " Um� sorry?"
She didn't answer, wiping down the bonnet vigorously with a chamois.
" Look, Bella, I'm really, really, really sorry." He began, shuffling uncomfortably on the spot, " I know it's no excuse, but my friend was having a rough time again, and I really had to�"
" Save it, Will." She told him, tucking her hair behind her ears and walking around to the other side of the truck.
He followed her, the sheepish expression now so evident, it was hard to watch him, " I can't tell you how sorry I am� I just kinda� well, we just sort of talked and lost track of time."
" For five hours?" She whirled on him, eyes blazing, " God, Will, if you're gonna lie, at least make it believable!"
He jumped back, startled, " We� we did lose track of time�"
" Why?" She demanded, " What discussion was so important that you don't realise five hours had slipped by? Five hours your girlfriend had spent waiting like an idiot for you?"
" Bella, I realise that," He tried to explain, " And I am so sorry, but you have to believe me that I didn't do it on purpose�Anyway, you could've rung me."
" I DID!" She yelled at him, " You weren't in the dorms!"
" Oh, that's right." He murmured, fast moving past the indignant phase and back into sheepish again, " Sorry."
" Is that all you can say?" She asked, tossing the chamois into a bucket nearby and stalking off into the shop. He followed, " Bella�"
She sat down heavily on the couch, " Look, I'm too sick and tired of pretending not to know where you were or who you were with, so I'm just gonna tell you, I know that you were with Jake, I know you've spent the entire weekend with her, I know that you guys are like, Really Good Friends right now, and it's driving me insane!"
" Bella�" He ventured forth and sat down timidly, " Are you jealous?"
" No!" She exclaimed vehemently, and after a moment's pause, sighed, " Yes."
" But Jake and I, we weren't�" He began, then stopped, " What did you think we were doing, exactly?
She shrugged, " I don't know. I don't care. But I don't like it."
" She's going through a really rough time right now, Bella." He told her gently, " I need to be there for her."
" Why you?" She asked, " Why not Hamilton? Or me? No offence, but both of us are� were closer to her than you! I don't get it, Will, I really don't."
" I� I can't tell you." He stammered.
She couldn't help but utter a short laugh, " No, you never could, can you?"
" What is that supposed to mean?" He asked.
She shrugged, jumping up again, " Excuse me, but I'm just going to go upstairs, okay? Right now I can't be bothered talking or listening or sympathising or� any of it, all right? I'll see you later."
" Bella!" He called in exasperation, standing up, " We weren't doing anything, you know we weren't!"
She stopped halfway up the stairs and turned around to face him, " Of course I know that!" She yelled, " Who do you take me for?"
" Then what is the problem?" He shouted back, sticking his hands in his pockets.
She stared at him, " The problem is� us, Will, it's us."
" What?" He demanded, " What do you mean?"
She sighed, " Back when we were just friends, I wasn't one of your priorities, and I could deal with that; but now we are�" She stopped, sighing, " We're� not just friends anymore, and you're still constantly putting everything else before me, and I can't deal with that, I can't."
He gazed at her, wanting to say something but entirely unsure as to what to say.
She sighed again, shaking her head, " We'll talk later, okay? I just can't be bothered right now."
He watched as she disappeared around the bend on the stairs, and a moment later, heard her door close with force.
Shaking his head, Will made his way outside. His bad mood only worsened when he saw that a few feet away, Sean was getting into Ryder's car. " Sean! What are you doing?" He demanded, walking forward.
" Here to dispense one of your many pearls of toy boy angst disguised as wisdom, Krudski?" Ryder quipped, flicking his cigarette carelessly, and Will had to dodge the flying bits of ash. He ignored the annoying British guy sitting in the driver's seat, and narrowed his eyes at Sean, " Where are you going?"
" We're grabbing something to eat, then we're going clubbing." Faye answered from beside Ryder, adjusting the rearview mirror so that she could see what was going on behind her, " Hey, Will."
" Hi." Will gave a her a brief smile, turning back to Sean, " How long are you gonna be gone for?"
Sean shrugged, " I dunno. I'll come back whenever."
" But where are you going?" Will asked, eyeing Ryder with suspicion. Ryder rolled his eyes and readjusted the rearview mirror, wrenching it out of Faye's grasp.
Sean shrugged again, " Don't know."
" You don't know where you're going?" Will repeated.
Faye grinned, " This tiny place just north of Carson, it's a real find. Ryder and I always go there, we're just taking Sean along for the ride."
" I don't know, Sean�" Will started dubiously, " If you're going to do anything in Carson, and take the trip back and forth, it's gonna take a while. It's a school night."
Ryder snorted, " Do we look like the kind of people who care, William?"
" I don't think you should go, Sean." Will ignored him again.
Sean chuckled with embarrassment, glancing at Ryder, who was tapping his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. " Will, you're not my mother, I don't need your permission to go places."
Will sighed, " All I'm saying is that this isn't a good idea�"
Sean shrugged again, " Chill, I'll be back." Ryder turned on the ignition, and Will stepped back from the car, " Well, if you're sure�"
" Yeah, see ya later." Sean told him, before Ryder stepped on the accelerator and the car shot forward, Faye waving a hand halfheartedly in acknowledgement.
Will watched the car disappear down the street, furrowing his brows.
Part 6
Jake and Hamilton's room
Hamilton sat on his bed, the morning sun illuminating the pages of his book. Glancing over at Jake's bed, he contemplated her sleeping features.
He was so sick of it all.
Seeing her open up to Will more and more these days, seeing her turn to Will before she cast even a glance his way, was hurting more than he cared to admit.
No, of course he didn�t think something - well, in the sense that Ryder was perpetually implying - was going on between them. He knew Will and Jake too well. He was a friend, and she loved him - �him� being Hamilton himself, of course.
Then again.
The Will / Bella / Scout incident was still fresh in his memory. Will and Scout were friends too, he mused. And what about Sean? Will had, technically, betrayed not one but two of his best friends.
And he was no longer sure what Jake thought, felt, knew, anymore. Did she love him? Does she?
He didn�t want to think about that.
It wasn�t even about the fact that she broke up with him anymore. He knew she must�ve had reasons, and he respected that, but why� why Will and not him?
He had thought, at the start, that she was going to tell him the reasons sooner or later. Tell him why she severed herself from his grasp, tell him why she did what she did.
But it didn�t look as though she was ever going to do it. Their lives were diverging, and though they still went to the same school and shared mostly the same classes, god, even lived in the same dorm room, they were still drifting apart. How could they not be? They barely speak to each other nowadays.
It was strange how quickly - and how unnaturally - their love had been extinguished. Okay, �extinguished� was the wrong word. It hadn�t been, it was still there, the trust and the passion and the fire and the tenderness. He could sense all these emotions simmering away under the surface, all of it suppressed and forced away from the outside. Suppressed, because what else could you do instead, when faced with all her apathy?
And he was just becoming so disheartened by all of this.
� Love, love is a verb.� He quoted quietly to himself some lyrics that popped into his head, smiling with a little irony, � Love is a doing word.�
And when nothing was being done - nothing at all - then maybe, just maybe, there�d be nothing left.
He was both amazed at and disgusted by his own thoughts.
Shaking his head slightly, he turned back to 'The Handmaid's Tale'. Spending a few minutes on finishing the last part of the section that Finn wanted them to read, he was startled when a strangled gasp came from the direction of the other bed. Looking over at Jake quickly, he caught the sight of her eyes flying open, wide with fear.
" What's wrong, Jake?" He demanded, jumping out of bed and hurrying to her side.
She stared at him for a second or two, the horrified look in her eyes not subsiding.
Hamilton could feel himself being shaken from the core, she looked so much like roadkill. This wasn't the Jake that he knew who looked out from those eyes, this person, whoever she was, was too broken, too worn. Where was the fire in the girl he loved? Where had she gone?
Then, as fast as the look settled in, she snapped out of it. Blinking a couple of times, she shook her head, " Nothing."
" Jake." He whispered, " That wasn't 'nothing', and we both know it."
She looked straight at him for once, the expression in her eyes both revealing and uncertain. He gazed back, his forehead lined with worry.
She wrenched her gaze away angrily when she registered what she was doing. Slipping out of bed, she mumbled as she picked up a couple of textbooks to toss into her bag, " I've got to get ready for class."
He watched her thoughtfully as she busied herself with preparing for school, avoiding his eyes.
He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly, willing himself to stay calm at all this: at her reluctance to tell him anything; at their relationship that had diminished down to nothing.
He set his book down carefully, biting his lower lip.
Maybe what they had was really and truly�
He glanced up again, something resembling defeat in his blue eyes.
Over.
* * *
Edmund High
Bella touched the shoulder of the guy sitting in front of her, " Hey, do you know where Sean is?"
He turned around, shrugging, " Dunno. But we've got that huge history paper to hand in fifth period, and if he misses the deadline, his GPA's going to be screwed."
" I know." She told him, " That's why I'm worried." Glancing at the empty seat where Sean usually occupied, she tapped her pencil on the desk nervously.
* * *
Rawley Academy, Finn's classroom
" Ryder's not here, what a surprise." Finn commented, looking up from the roll. The students laughed and he walked around the desk, perching on its edge, " We'll just have to start without him, I'm afraid. All right," He glanced around the class, " Who's actually read the section of the book that I told them to read?"
A surprising number of hands went up, and Finn grinned with satisfaction, " That's what I like to see. Okay, thoughts, impressions, philosophies? Discussion's open."
" It's hollow." Ryan commented from the back, " Like, Offred, she's hollow."
" Hollow." Finn noted, " How?"
Ryan shrugged, " It's like� she's dead, you know? Not physically, of course, but she is just making notes of everything around her in this� really flat sort of voice�"
" Monotone." Lena supplied from beside him, and Ryan nodded, " Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like she has nothing to live for. She's totally dead inside."
" She's not dead, she's just trapped." Jake spoke up suddenly, tapping her fingers on the desk. Everyone looked toward her in surprise, since she hadn't raised her voice in class since the semester started. She noticed the scrutiny, and adjusted the rim of her navy blue cap self-consciously.
" Care to elaborate, Mr Pratt?" Finn prompted.
She chewed on her lower lip, looking down, " I'm just saying, it's not like she doesn't have feelings. She just won't let them surface. Occasionally she'll slip and she'll say something that doesn't fit into this really placid front that she puts up. "
Hamilton glanced at her, then looked away.
" She's obsessed with mirrors," Scout noted, " Did anyone else catch that? She always talks about them."
" Very good." Finn nodded at him, " Can you name some examples?"
Scout flicked through the book, " Look, in the first paragraph she's talking about a mirrorball."
" Do us the honour of reading it aloud, Mr Calhoun." Finn told him, running his fingers along the text. Scout obliged, " '� a revolving ball of mirrors, powdering the dancers with a snow of light.'"
Finn looked up, " That was a description of the gym, before the wars and the establishment of Gilead."
" It was our world, right?" Will asked, " The mirrorball was a symbol of our life as it is now, and in Offred's time - the future - it almost becomes obsolescent."
Finn nodded slowly, " Yes, mirrors are often used in this book as a reference to the past and what had been left behind, but its function is also more than that. Can you think of any other ways mirrors are used in this text?"
" Well�" Will frowned, " I don't know how much relevance this has got to the book, but I remember a poem that was also written by Atwood, and it talked about mirrors."
Finn nodded for him to go on.
" It was called 'Marrying the Hangman'." Will said, remembering, " And she was talking about how mirrors define who you are, or something."
Finn smiled, " I quote from that poem, ' To live in prison is to live without mirrors. To live without mirrors is to live without the self.' What does that symbolise to any one of you?"
" It's like saying, if you live in a world without mirrors," Ryan interpreted, " You can't ever see yourself. In a way, you almost lose your own identity."
" I think it's more to do with being unable to look into yourself." Jake offered, " You don't really want to know what you're like inside, so you go and live without mirrors to avoid seeing what you're trying to hide away."
" Like the dark side in all of us?" Finn asked, " That's an interesting angle."
" It's living without pretence for once." Scout piped up, " You're stripping away your vanity and throwing away your mirrors, letting the real you come through. Also, I think living without mirrors is about losing yourself, throwing your own problems aside, and seeing other things in this world."
" So a life without mirrors is a life that's not revolving around you?" Finn clarified.
" Exactly." Scout nodded, " It's finally seeing someone else�" He stumbled over his words, " I mean, something else in a new light. You're forgetting your problems for once."
" What about the fact that mirrors are supposed to be escapes of some sort?" Caroline asked, " In fantasy books, mirrors are always portals to some other world. If you take them away, what are you left with?"
" You're trapped." Hamilton answered, " You throw away your mirrors to fix yourself in this world, but all that you're doing is trapping yourself in this one place where you might not want to be."
" So you're saying that, without the mirrors, we lose not only ourselves, but our ability to leave this world?" Finn asked.
" Metaphorically." Jake answered, " Without the mirrors, you're stuck where you are. You live a life without mirrors because you don't want to see yourself�"
" Yet all you're doing is unwittingly making sure that you can't move away from the one thing that you don't want to see." Will continued, exchanging a look with Jake, " You're forced to stay with yourself without seeing what you're really like." He frowned, " Does that even make sense?"
" I think so." Scout answered, " But you're forgetting that you can see yourself in other people. The other people in this world become your mirrors."
*The Feeler's 'Float' plays in the background*
" How does that work?" Finn asked, smiling.
Scout shrugged, " Instead of looking into a mirror and seeing yourself from your own eyes, you see yourself reflected in someone else's eyes. Sometimes the two images are very different."
" Always." Finn agreed, " So what are we learning from all this? What exactly is a life without mirrors?"
" That sometimes you have to move away from your own life and stop focusing on yourself to truly find yourself." Scout answered, " And more importantly, a new life."
--'And I'm high all the time / I wonder why every time / when there's no faces and no more / black and velvet crush�'
" And that sometimes you trap yourself in a place where you lose your own identity." Lena added.
--'And there's no more / there's no more circles and no more strain / Cos I am floating / I'm floating�'
" Or that you're desperately trying to avoid looking at your own image, physically or otherwise." Jake supplied.
--'Yeah I am floating / I'm floating�'
" You're losing your vanity." Caroline suggested, " You're letting people see the real you, without the additives and the pretences."
--'You see a little girl in a yellow dress / she's playing�'
" You start caring about other things, other people, understanding their life." Hamilton said softly, meeting Finn's eyes for a brief second before looking away.
--'You see a little boy in yellow shorts / he's running circles round you / Shadows in the sand he says�'
Will looked around him, the eager, thoughtful faces of all his classmates, his friends. He noticed the fleeting look between Hamilton and Finn; he noticed that Jake's cap was beginning to sit askew, no longer obscuring her face; he noticed that Scout was smiling.
--'And I'm high all the time / I wonder why every time / when there's no faces and no more / black and velvet crush�'
*Will's voiceover starts*
' A life without mirrors equates to a life without the self. But what does that mean? The absence of self, at first glance, seem to be overwhelmingly negative. What is life without an identity of your own? Would we be perpetually forced to live in shadow, relying on others to give some indication of what we may become? What if, one day in your endless journey to find yourself, you suddenly realise that there is no such 'self' to be found?
Then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe for once we'd be able to see past the melodramas of our own lives and see someone else as who they truly are, and learn a thing or two in their presence. The absence of self may confuse us, but it also lends us compassion, opening our eyes to what lies beyond.
I was right in saying that life can be held in stalemate sometimes, and I guess it is only when one of the players learn to forget themselves, concede defeat in this turn, and in doing so, much in the fashion of a phoenix borne from ashes, allow us room to begin anew.'
*Voiceover ends*
" We lose all conception of ourselves, but we learn so much more about the world." Will concluded, smiling.
--'And there's no more / there's no more circles and no more strain / Cos I am floating / I'm floating / Yeah I am floating / I'm floating away�'
Sunlight was streaming through the windows, and outside the lake lapped against shore.
