Author’s Notes: Nicky's YA Episodes, season 2, episode 7. Revised version 2005.
You can find the commentary for changes to episodes 207-208 here.
Part One
Teaser
The season was teetering on the boundary of fall and winter, wavering between cool breezes and an occasional biting chill. The sky was overcast, thick grey clouds pressing down on normally cheerful small town of New Rawley. On the edge of the town, the grey stone buildings of the two Rawley Academies seemed to blend with the dense clouds that concealed the sky, casting long forbidding shadows across the grounds.
Inside Finn’s office, the English teacher gave the wife of the Dean, Kate Fleming, one last kiss. “Do you have to go?” he asked, brushing her blonde curls out of her face.
She looked back at him, her youthful face full of worry. “I’ve spent too much time here already. People will get suspicious.”
“Let them,” he said, knowing that he was only speaking out of habit. Poetic dramatics rubbed off on English teachers. Lately, he had often felt as if he were living inside a never-ending play, aimlessly scurrying around the stage, looking for some pattern in his desultory wanderings and finding none to be had.
She shook her head gently, easing herself out of his grasp. As she walked toward the door she tucked in her shirt. “I guess…” she said, not looking at him. “I’ll see you later.”
He nodded, watching as she paused in the doorway. “Finn,” she began tentatively, one hand on the handle, not turning around.
“Yes?” he asked, taking a step towards her.
“We have to stop this,” she said, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “We have to stop it.”
He sighed. “It's not like we haven't tried, Kate. And…"
“We have to try harder,” she interrupted, the sound of her voice resolute yet her eyes seemed lost, like a little girl. “I can’t live with myself if we carry on doing this.”
He looked at her impassively and sat down on the edge of his desk. “You know I only want what is good for you, Kate.”
“This isn’t good for me, Finn,” she whispered, finally meeting his eyes. “It’s going to tear my family apart.”
He felt his heart give a painful twist when he thought of her family, her husband who was constantly under the stress of running two large-scale prep schools that he could no longer afford to give his wife the affection that she needed, and the teenage son who was growing more and more distant every day. It was because of this that she turned to him at the start of this affair, which had thrived despite many on again, off again phases, despite their collective guilt and conscience.
“Do what you want to do,” he said, turning away. Every time she left him like this, he always wondered if it was going to be the last. Lately, though, it had almost become habit. She was forever waiting in the shadows, pulling away and returning like a wraith in the mist. For him, his life had ceased to move forward a long time ago, caught in this grey state of nothingness, neither here nor there. He no longer knew what he wanted.
In truth, he may have wanted nothing more than her. If she could just sever herself from her family, they could take off and leave this place for somewhere better, a life more worth living…
But those dreams of perfect romances were reserved for his young and bright-eyed students, he reminded himself with a touch of bitterness. They were not for a man like him, and certainly not for a woman like her. They should be old enough to know better.
“I’ll see you around, then,” she said simply, walking out the door with an aloof smile, as though all that had happened in there was a run-of-the-mill staff conference.
Finn remained still for a moment before he got up to close the door. When he reached it, however, he saw Will Krudski sauntering up the deserted corridor, looking suspiciously at Kate as she turned the corner. His frown deepened when he saw Finn pause in the office doorway.
“Will,” Finn began, feeling bone-weary all of a sudden. Will didn’t know that the affair had been continuing beyond the summer.
But Will merely shook his head and glanced down, looking ill at ease. “Finn, it’s not any of my business. You don’t need to explain. I didn’t see anything, as usual.”
There was a moment of silence. And then Finn emitted a long sigh. “I’m so sorry to put you in this position.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Will said after a pause. “Like I said, I didn’t see anything. I dunno what you’re talking about.”
“Thank you,” Finn said with emphasis, patting the boy’s shoulder. A wave of shame rushed up in his chest, a surge of bitterness that he swallowed with difficulty. Will nodded at him and Finn walked back into his office, closing the door behind him.
Will continued slowly down the hall, sticking his hands in his pockets.
*Will’s voiceover begins*
‘Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as wrong love. Who are we to judge anyone’s relationship when we don’t know what exactly is running through their heads and what is in their hearts? Could we stand up and point fingers, playing God, when we ourselves are caught up in the throes of our own emotions? I know the world is full of rules and some of them condemn the loves that may be wrong in the eyes of morality, of friendship, of trust, because it causes others and perhaps even the lovers themselves pain and suffering. However, some may argue that it’s not possible for a love that is true to be also wrong, because it is through no fault of our own that we love.’
His train of thought was interrupted by Hamilton Fleming, who poked his head out of the common room doorway. “Hey Will,” he said. “Have you seen my mom?”
Will looked up, startled. “Uh, no,” he lied, thinking about the woman who had dashed out of Finn’s office only minutes ago, looking distinctly ruffled. “Why?”
“I wanted to talk to her about Christmas break,” Hamilton answered, coming out of the common room.
“Oh, yeah. So what are your plans?”
The other boy shrugged. “My parents want to drag me off to Boston to visit my grandma for a couple of weeks. I’m trying to convince them to let me stay here.” He smiled mischievously, his blue eyes lighting up. “I’ve got a bunch of great plans for me and Jake. No school, no work… we’re gonna own the place when the parentals are gone. What about you? Going anywhere?”
“Nah,” Will shook his head. “As far as I can tell, no one’s going anywhere. Scout’s just gonna go home for a few days and then he’s coming straight back here. Said he didn’t want to miss the wild dorm parties the seniors throw with half the teachers gone.”
“They’re something all right, I’ve heard the stories,” said Hamilton, cocking an eyebrow as they exchanged a high-five at the prospect. “I’ll see you later.”
Watching Hamilton walk back into the common room, Will turned, still smiling, and went on his way.
Part Two
*Theme song and opening credits*
Rawley Academy, the Dean’s house
“No, I’ve said it enough times.”
Kate stood at the kitchen sink with a dishtowel in one hand. She had her back turned on the dishes, however; instead she was glaring resolutely at Hamilton. “The whole family is visiting your grandmother this winter and nothing is going to change my mind.”
“But mom,” he whined, “I wanna stay here. I don’t have anything to do at grandma’s house…”
“I haven’t seen her for months. Christmas is about family, munchie, and…”
“Mom!” he exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “Drop the munchie already! Jesus Christ, I’m not five anymore.”
“I’ll never do it again if you agree to come with your dad and me,” she suggested with a small grin, turning back to the dishes.
“But I wanna stay here with Jake,” he wheedled. “Please? We won’t do anything crazy, I just don’t wanna go to Boston for two weeks.” Brightening, he added, “How about I make my own way there for Christmas, then come straight back on Boxing Day? You can stay as long as you want.”
“Enough,” she said firmly. “You’re coming with us. We can’t have our family arriving in pieces.”
***
The gas station
Bella Banks and Jake Pratt sat beside the window in the room Bella shared with her sister Grace, painting their nails as they reclined in the pale late-autumn sunlight. “Barely Pink,” Jake sighed happily as she examined the sheer cream-coloured lacquer on her nails. “God, I love this. It’s been so long since I wore nail polish.”
Bella glanced at her sympathetically, blowing on her nails. “It must be hard, not being able to do all the girl stuff you’re used to.”
Jake nodded as she began applying another coat of varnish. “Wouldn’t mind wearing some makeup once in a while." Looking up with a chuckle, she added, "Or show any visible emotion, coming to think of it. Being a guy is boring like you wouldn’t believe. Everything’s all ‘hey man’ and ‘dude’ and high-fives and slouching."
Bella grinned, dipping her nails into a bowl of cold water. After a pause she asked, “So what are you doing for Christmas break?”
“Going to London to visit my mom. She’s doing a couple of plays there. I’m leaving as soon as school finishes.”
"How long are you planning to stay?"
"Probably the whole three weeks," Jake replied. "We might actually get to spend some time together if I stay there long enough.”
“How’s Hamilton taking the news?”
“I… uh,” Jake looked suddenly sheepish, “haven’t gotten around to telling him yet.”
“What? Why not?”
“Cos I know it’s not gonna go down well,” Jake sighed. “He’s gonna complain non-stop for the rest of the semester.”
“Well, I think you’d better tell him soon,” Bella advised with a frown. “Don’t leave it till the end cos he’s just gonna get more pissed off when you do tell him, you know?”
“I know. I’ll bring it up soon. But don’t say anything to him now, okay? Not that I don’t trust you, but… I’d hate for him to find out from someone else.”
“No problem,” Bella said, drying her hands on a towel and slathering on hand lotion.
Jake did the same and asked as she rubbed lotion into her cuticles, “So what about you? Staying here for Christmas?”
“Like I could go anywhere else,” Bella laughed with a little roll of the eyes. After a pause she added, a little bashfully. “It’s okay, Will’s staying here too.”
Jake grinned. “How’s it going with you two, anyway?”
“Great,” Bella answered happily. “I mean, really great. He’s amazing. Everything’s been amazing. It’s like a whole new world. I can’t believe I took so long to figure out that we were…”
“In love?” supplied Jake, smiling at the sight of a blush creeping up the other girl’s cheeks.
Bella nodded, looking as though she was holding back a grin. “Yeah.”
There was a moment of silence as Jake looked up, chewing on her lower lip. “When are you gonna let Scout and Sean know?” she finally asked, furrowing her brows.
Bella’s smile faded. “I dunno,” she said glumly. “We keep trying to put it off. I mean, it’s not exactly something to look forward to.”
“Well, that’s the understatement of the year,” Jake said dryly. Seeing Bella’s worried expression, she hastened to add, “I’m sorry, it’s just… it might be better if you get it over and done with, you know?”
“I know,” Bella sighed. “But it’s like planning your own execution.”
Jake gave the other girl a sympathetic one-armed hug. “Hang in there.”
“Thanks. I really need to talk to Will,” Bella sighed again.
Jake pulled back from the hug and saw a familiar figure through the window, ambling down the street below. “Speak of the devil,” she laughed. “That’s my cue to go.”
“Wait, you don’t have to…” Bella began, leaning over to look out the window. Will spotted her and waved, grinning. She waved back.
Jake laughed as she peered over Bella’s shoulder. “Nah, it’s cool, I better go talk to Hamilton anyway. See ya later.”
“Bye,” replied Bella, and as Jake walked out of her room she could hear an exchange of greetings on the stairwell. A moment later the door opened again, revealing Will out in the hallway. “Hey,” he said, striding forward with a smile.
“Hey yourself,” she grinned, getting up to kiss him quickly. He held on, however, and pulled her closer, bringing her into a deeper kiss. She could feel herself smiling against his lips.
As he pulled back, he swept a strand of hair out of her eyes. “How are you?” he asked, gazing at her intently.
“I’m okay,” she said, chuckling. “Why so serious?”
He was silent for moment before answering. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
“Really?” she teased lightly. “I never would have guessed that for Willie Krudski.”
He smiled, but the pensive furrow in his brow remained. “What is it, Will?” she asked, frowning.
Again, he took his time answering. “I think…” he said slowly, “I think… we should tell Scout and Sean about us. I mean, soon.”
“I know,” she sighed. “We’ve got to tell them sooner or later. I just wish that it was later. But…”
“Putting this off isn’t gonna make it go away,” he finished for her. “We've been together for a few weeks now. If we don’t tell them soon, they’re just gonna get angrier at us keeping it a secret for so long.”
She looked at him, feeling her happiness dwindling to a mere flicker. “Do you think it’s even possible,” she said glumly, “for them to be angrier when they find out? Cos I’m looking at this situation, and I can’t think of any way it could get any worse.”
“Seriously?” he managed a weak smile. “I won’t be surprised if they never spoke to me again.”
“Or me,” she added gloomily.
“And I can count on the fact that Sean will punch my lights out,” he shrugged, resigned to his fate. “But you know, I get the feeling that he'll get over this eventually. It's Scout who I’m worried about.”
“I know what you mean,” she agreed, looking away. “You know what to expect from Sean. But Scout…”
He kissed her cheek gently. “Don’t think about it, Bella, we’ll just have to take it as it comes.”
She swallowed, closing her eyes as he pressed his lips to her forehead, both of them sighing once more.
***
Rawley Boys’ Academy, common room
“Come on,” Hamilton said from his seat on the couch. “You two’ve been hanging out all the time. You can’t seriously be telling me that there’s nothing going on.”
Hamilton raised an eyebrow. “So why do you spend half your free time over at Rawley Girls’?”
“Cos she’s fun to hang out with!” Scout exclaimed, amused. “Look, I’m not interested in her in that sort of way, okay? She’s just a friend. Anyway, she's a year older than me.”
“She’s hot though,” Hamilton said flatly. “I dunno why you’re not interested in her in 'that sort of way'.”
“Who’s hot?” Jake asked, entering the common room. She tossed each of them a can of soda and opened hers noisily.
Hamilton caught his can, looking up with a guilty expression. “Uh, no one,” he replied, grinning disarmingly.
“Nice try,” she rolled her eyes as she flopped down next to him. “Who’s hot?” she asked again, looking at Scout.
“Ham’s been trying to convince me that I have a secret crush on Faye,” Scout laughed. “ I do not.”
“Oh, her,” Jake said, leaning back on the couch with a lopsided smile. “She is hot.”
“I wish you’d stop doing that,” Hamilton grumbled, taking a sip from his can.
“Doing what?” she laughed, playing dumb.
“Stop…” Hamilton glanced around surreptitiously before lowering his voice, “stop talking like a guy! It’s really disturbing.”
“I know,” she grinned. “That’s why I keep doing it.”
“God, you sound so much like Faye when you say that,” Scout commented.
Hamilton smirked. “Dude, you can’t even speak three sentences without bringing her up.”
Scout blushed, more out of Hamilton’s incessant teasing than the teasing itself. “Whatever, man,” he said. “You know it’s not true. You know I only have feelings for…”
“Bella,” Jake finished for him, darting a nervous look at Hamilton. “Uh, Scout… you know, I think Faye’d be terrific for you. You should think about it.”
“Not you too,” Scout groaned good-naturedly as he stood up. “If you two like Faye so much, maybe you should date her.”
“It was just a suggestion.” Hamilton called after Scout as the other boy rolled his eyes with a laugh and strolled out of the common room.
“What are we gonna do?” demanded Jake when Scout moved out of earshot. “He’s still in love with Bella. He's gonna be crushed when he finds out about her and Will.”
“We,” he said quizzically, “aren’t gonna do anything. It’s not exactly up to us to tell Scout that he has to stop being in love with Bella cos she’s in love with Will.”
“Shh,” she shushed him, looking around furtively. “Could you be any louder? It’s still a secret, you know.”
He shrank back in mock horror. “Jake, there’s no one else here.”
“Someone could’ve overheard,” she said darkly, her voice dropping to a whisper. “And I sure as hell don’t wanna be the person who let the whole Bella and Will thing out before they told Scout and Sean.”
“You know, I was trying to keep Scout’s mind off Bella,” he said meditatively. “With all the talk about Faye. But it’s like he’s got blinders on; nothing matters except Bella. The couple months ‘cooling off’ time doesn’t seem to have worked for anyone.”
“Yeah,” Jake said, but her tone made it clear that her mind was no longer on the subject at hand. “Anyway,” she said abruptly, “uh, Hamilton, about Christmas break…”
“Yeah!” he brightened visibly. “I wanted to talk to you about it, too. I’ve got so many plans for us. I just have to work on my mom a little more, but I think by the end of this week she would have backed down and she’ll let me stay here for Christmas…”
Jake, wide-eyed, tried to interrupt, but Hamilton talked right over her in his excitement, not realising that her expression was clouding over. “We’ve gotta do so many things,” he exclaimed happily. “I got so bored over the summer when you were in New York, thank god you’re staying here this time, otherwise I don’t know what I would’ve done for three weeks…”
“Uh,” she said, still trying to get a word in.
“We’d have the whole school to ourselves, and the seniors are already planning some amazing parties when the parentals are gone, Three whole weeks, Jake! Bella’s invited the whole gang over to her house for Christmas dinner, I mean, everyone who isn’t going away, of course, which means Scout wouldn’t be there, but it’s gonna be fun, anyway. Also, there’s this gorgeous place by the lake that I haven’t shown you yet, you really have to go there when it’s snowing, everything looks so tranquil and wherever you turn, you can only see all this pure white…”
“Hamilton…” she muttered, “I…”
“It’s just beautiful, Jake, you have to see it,” he finally paused, a little short of breath. “I wanna take pictures of you there. I’ve been planning this forever. I’ve picked out all these awesome spots and as soon as it snows I’ll take you there. I can’t wait for you to see it. It’s absolutely beautiful, Jake. I’ve saved a few rolls of black and white. I know the photos will turn out amazing. Winter vacation’s gonna be the best time ever.”
She merely stared at him, opening her mouth and closing it again.
“What do you think?” he finally turned to her, beaming.
“That sounds…” she said, managing a feeble smile, “great, Hamilton. It sounds great.”
***
Scout paused on the steps of the boys’ dormitories, looking up at the overcast sky. All his classes were over for the day, and he had a free afternoon on his hands. His first instinct was to go hang out at Friendly’s and see what Bella was up to, but quickly decided against the idea. The scholarship exams were coming up and she’d need every spare minute to study.
He still had no idea why she would even want to get a scholarship to Rawley in the first place. She was indispensable at the gas station and, unlike Will, had always seemed happy where she was. Although with the amount of tutoring that Will was giving her lately, anyone would think that she was dying to get out.
Shaking his head with a shrug, he started to head over to the girls’ dormitories, but turned when he heard someone call his name. “Scout!” Will called again, hurrying over from the direction of the quad, his cheeks ruddy with cold. “Glad I caught you.”
“Hey,” Scout grinned. “What’s up?”
Will fell into step with him. “Where are you going?”
Scout shrugged, “Just gonna see if Faye’s doing anything.”
Will gave him a funny look. “You’re hanging out with her a lot lately.”
“Would everyone give me a break already?” Scout exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “We’re just friends.”
“Whoa, dude,” Will gave him an even funnier look. “I didn’t say you weren’t.”
Scout shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry. Jake and Ham have been on my case. I think they’re trying to set me and Faye up.”
“That doesn’t seem like a bad idea,” said Will, after a pause.
“What is with you guys lately?” Scout groaned. “Collective amnesia? I’m in love with Bella; I have no freaking desire to be set up with some random girl.”
Will was silent as they continued walking toward the girls’ dorms. Scout looked askance at him. “Are you all right, man?”
“Huh? Um, oh, yeah…” Will bit his lower lip and stopped. “Actually, Scout…”
“Yeah?”
“When's your last class tomorrow afternoon?”
Scout looked at the uncommonly grave expression on Will’s face and furrowed his brows. “I finish at two on Thursday,” he said suspiciously. “Why?”
“Can you, uh,” Will looked away as he spoke, “meet me and, uh, Bella at the diner at four? Um, Sean’s coming too.”
“Okay…” Scout said slowly. As the idea blinked on like a light inside his brain he grabbed Will’s arm. “Is this what I think it is?”
For a moment Will looked vaguely panicky. “What?” he asked, and Scout thought he could hear a slight tremor in the other boy’s voice, though he had no idea why.
***
Edmund High
“That you’ve finally made a decision,” Sean replied, smiling.
Bella stared. “Made a decision?”
“Between me and Scout,” he explained impatiently. “Right?”
She swallowed, turning away from his inquisitive gaze. She had plucked up the courage to ask him to meet at the diner at 4 o’clock tomorrow, like she and Will had planned; but they hadn’t counted the fact that of course both Sean and Scout would assume this meant she had finally reached a decision on the stasis between them, the slow-burning stand-off since the start of the semester, and its eventual conclusion. Well, she thought desperately, they were getting a conclusion of sorts, at least. “Just… just turn up,” she said hurriedly. “You’ll see.”
He looked back at her with a knowing smile. “All right. Tomorrow at four. I’ll be there.”
Part Three
The diner
Bella stirred her milkshake absently and looked out the window. Storm clouds were gathering overhead, inky shadows pressing down on the town, making the night seem much darker than usual. The air outside had been stifling for the entire day, positively sweltering despite it being nearly winter, and she was grateful for Friendly’s air conditioning. All the weather forecasts had said to expect a downpour tomorrow. Well, how dramatically appropriate, she thought to herself and smiled, not without a vague hint of hysteria.
She looked at her watch. 7:30pm, less than 21 hours to go. Her fingers have already gone clammy in anticipation, and she hated to think what sort of nervous wreck she would be straight before the meeting.
“Hey Bella!”
She looked up to see Hamilton coming in the door. “Hi,” she replied, plastering a smile over her face. “What’s up?”
“I’m picking up some food for me and Jake, we’re getting sick of dining hall food.” He picked up a takeaway menu and scanned the contents. “ I’ll have a double serving of the cheeseburger special,” he said to the waiter. “Thanks… to go.”
“Where’s Jake?” asked Bella after he’d paid and sat down at the window booth to wait.
“She’s staying at the school,” he frowned. “Been really quiet all afternoon, I don’t think she’s feeling too well.”
“That’s no good,” she replied inattentively, her mind on her own impending dilemma.
“Yeah… I hope she’s not coming down with anything. It might cut into my Christmas break plans.”
“Christmas Break?” she echoed absently.
“Yeah. My mom’s set on making me go to grandma’s, though. It’s so annoying. I hope she gives in soon, I don’t want all my Christmas plans ruined.”
“Ruined?” Bella repeated, thinking about how Scout might take the news. Would he punch Will, like Sean was sure to do? Would he never speak to them ever again? Would he burst into tears? Unlikely, but anything’s possible, she supposed. Or would he…
“Ruined?” she said again, looking up at Hamilton’s glum face. “Your Christmas plans will be ruined?”
“She’s just not changing her mind,” he frowned again, looking frustrated. “I planned this for so long, I was gonna show Jake around all the beautiful spots around the lake, but at the way this is going, none of this is going to happen.”
She shook her head gently and laid a consoling hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Hamilton. It’s just… you can’t expect her to change her mind about something like this.”
“But I just don’t understand it!” he groaned, burying his head in his arms. “I mean, it’s her mother, it’s not fair that it should affect me. It’s not like she doesn’t see enough of her already, why should I…”
“I can’t believe you just said that,” she exclaimed. “She doesn’t see her enough, that’s the point! She finally gets a chance to get together with her mom and if all you can think of is how much you’re going to suffer for it, that’s really…”
She paused, momentarily lost for words. She didn’t notice that he was staring at her, an expression of utter bemusement on his face. “You’re acting like a jerk,” she rephrased, indignant. “I think you should be happy that her mom finally made some time for her. I know it means that you won’t get to spend Christmas break together and maybe it does ruin your plans, but…”
“Who the hell are you talking about?” he demanded.
She stopped. And stared. “Who are you talking about?”
“You were talking about Jake!” he exclaimed. “Do you know something I don’t? Is she leaving for winter break? Where’s she going? Is she gonna spend Christmas with her mom? How come she didn’t tell me?”
“Oh god,” she muttered, covering her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I thought she must have told you and that was why you were so upset…”
“I was talking about my mom!” he leapt to his feet. “Are you saying Jake won't even be here for Christmas? I can’t believe she didn’t tell me! All this time, she just let me ramble on about my plans without telling me that she isn’t even gonna be here…”
“Your order’s ready,” the guy at the counter called, holding out a paper bag. Hamilton grabbed it, still fuming. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said to Bella, hurrying out of the door.
Behind him, she groaned and banged her forehead against the table.
***
Rawley Boys’ Academy, dining hall
“Just a simple answer, is it the thing about me and Sean?” Scout asked for what seemed to be the tenth time.
Will, who was feeling sick to his stomach, prodded at his food. “Scout, I haven’t answered you for the past three hours and I’m not going to start now.”
“Look, all I wanna know is whether this meeting has anything to do with Bella choosing. Why can’t you answer that? It’s not like some state secret.” Scout’s eyes narrowed as he leaned forward, “But I bet you know, right? She would’ve told you. You probably helped her choose.”
“Scout!” Will exclaimed, setting his fork down with a clatter. “You’ll know when you get there!”
“You’re so touchy today, man,” Scout grumbled as he took a bite of spaghetti. “ All right, I won’t ask you what it’s about. Just tell me, am I gonna like what I hear? It might not even be anything about me and Bella and Sean, that's fine; but is it good news or bad news? Can you at least tell me that?”
Will shoved his plate away. A surge of nausea washed over him as he looked at the wall clock, which read 8pm. In twenty hours, everything would be revealed. The love and the betrayal and the fact that he may never be able to look his friends in the eye again.
He wondered, like he had done so often lately, if love could ever be wrong. Something that was capable of creating this much pain and confusion surely couldn’t fall into the realm of a good thing, right?
But that seemed wrong, too.
“Dude, are you even listening to me?” Scout demanded, leaning forward.
“I’ve gotta go,” Will mumbled, jumping to his feet. “I’ll see you back in the dorms in a while.”
Scout watched, looking completely baffled, as the other boy strode quickly out of the dining hall.
***
Jake and Hamilton's room
Jake sat on her bed and gazed out the window. The night sky was devoid of stars or moon, and her mood felt just as dark as she psyched herself up, preparing to dash Hamilton's plans as gently as possible. “Hamilton,” she practiced, muttering to herself and glancing into the mirror across the room, “we have to talk…”
She needn't have bothered, because the moment the door flew open and he barged in, it became apparent that he must have found out. His eyes were blazing with fury. "When were you planning on telling me?" he yelled.
She bit her lower lip, "I guess… you found out."
"I can't believe this!" he dropped the take-out bag carelessly on the desk, glaring. "You're going for the entire three weeks? Bella told me you're gonna visit your mom, where are you even going? London?"
She nodded silently.
"So… what? Were you just gonna wait until the last day of semester and then go 'surprise, I'm leaving for London tomorrow!'?"
"I tried to tell you," she got to her feet. "But you were so excited, and I didn't want to upset you…"
"You’re doing a pretty decent job of upsetting me right now!" he exclaimed. "I can't believe you could sit there, listening to me go on and on about my plans, and never say anything about the fact that you'd be in London the whole time!"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" she raised her voice. "I was just trying to find a better time to tell you!"
"Then don't you think that it would be a good idea to tell me before I heard it from someone else?" he yelled. "That was a pretty rude shock!"
"Bella wasn't supposed to tell you!" she exclaimed angrily. "She said she'd keep quiet about it! God, wait until I get my hands on her…"
"Don't blame her!" he shouted, clenching his fists. "It's your own fault for not telling me sooner!"
"I was just trying to spare your feelings!" she yelled. "Can't you see that I was waiting for a good time to tell you?"
"When is that, Jake?" he demanded. "When you're sitting in the airport and you decide to send me an email saying 'I'll be gone for three weeks, I'll see you when I get back'?"
"That's not fair, Hamilton!" she cried. "I was gonna tell you tonight!"
"Well, no thanks," he replied coldly. "I've already found out on my own. And I don't have to worry about my mom anymore, it won't make any difference if I spend my Christmas break in Boston, since you're gonna be on a completely different continent."
"Well, what did you expect me to do?" she retorted angrily. "Your mom's here all the time! The total amount of time that I’ve seen my mother for the past five years doesn't even add up to three weeks! What, was I going to say to her, 'Gee mom, spending time with you sounds nice but I really can't, I have to stay in Rawley so I can watch my boyfriend take pictures of a lake with snow on it!'?"
"It was more than the lake," he said through gritted teeth. "Is that all you thought it was? That I was keeping you here just to take stupid pictures by the lake? I was hoping that we'd get some time together…"
"We've been doing that for the whole semester!" she yelled. "What about me and my mom, huh? We never see each other any more! I can't believe you're so…"
"What, you thought that I'd be selfish enough to try to convince you not to go?" he glared at her, an expression of abject hurt crossing his face. "I never said that. And I can’t believe you’d even think that. You know how much I want you to be happy with your mom!"
"Well, you certainly don't sound like you mean it," she muttered, storming out of the room. The door slammed behind her with a loud bang.
***
Will and Scout's room
The room was dark; it was early in the morning, and what weak sunlight that managed to shine through the portentous cover of clouds was filtered by the drawn curtains. In the bed beside the window, Will lay on his back, staring at the clock on his bedside table.
It read 7:43am. Eight hours and seventeen minutes to go.
He had been staring at it ever since a fuzzy nightmare jolted him awake at 4:38am. He counted the minutes and mutely watched the glowing green numbers flip over one at a time, knowing there was no way of him going back to sleep.
He couldn't remember the details of the nightmare. He only recalled panic: the way it filled every inch of him and made him quiver with sudden chill. He would entangle himself further in the sheets, trying to find some hidden warmth that he knew wasn’t there; yet as soon as feeling came back to his shivering limbs, the thought of finally confronting Scout and Sean would bound into his head, bringing with it a rush of adrenaline and hot blood, making his heart race and slicking his forehead with perspiration.
After a while he stopped caring about his fluctuating temperature and making himself comfortable, because he realised that it simply wasn't going to happen. Instead he resorted to mutely watching the clock, as time crept closer to 4pm one second at a time.
***
Jake and Hamilton's room
Hamilton took a coat off the hanger in the closet. It was the usual morning rush to get ready for class, but neither he nor Jake was talking, and the silence hung in the air, agitated and conspicuous, a constant reminder of their argument the night before.
She had come back late last night and went to bed without a word, and he, still fuming, did the same. It was the beginning of a mutual silent treatment, by the looks of things, but he was already having second thoughts. Once the anger had worn off, he was fully aware that it wasn't her fault that she had to go to London, and he didn't want their last week together to be like this.
However, just as he opened his mouth to apologise, a knock sounded on the door. Jake, who had just grabbed her books and was about to head out, threw a perplexed glance over her shoulder. Hamilton shrugged.
It was Finn at the door. "Hi Jake, hi Hamilton," he said, looking rather grave. "Uh… Jake, can I talk to you?"
"Um…" Jake paused, looking at her watch. "Actually, I'm running late, Finn," she said apologetically. "I've got chem first period, and you know what Mr. Benson is like…"
Finn looked like he was about to say something, but for a moment his eyes flickered over Hamilton’s face and something in his expression seemed to shift. "Okay," he said, turning back to Jake. "But we need to have a talk… urgently. Listen, why don't you come to my office tonight?"
She nodded, somewhat apprehensively. "Sure thing. Sorry, but I've really got to go…"
Finn waved her on and she took off, sprinting down the halls. Finn followed her with his gaze as she disappeared out of sight, his eyes narrowing.
"What's this about, Finn?" Hamilton asked uneasily.
"You should know that it's not your place to ask, Hamilton," Finn chided gently, turning to him. "And it's not my place to say anything about one student to another."
The uneasy feeling grew stronger as Hamilton stared into the older man's eyes, which seemed to betray nothing, yet at the same time filled with sobering knowledge. "I know," he said quietly. "But… is it, like, serious?"
Finn was silent for a moment. "Like I said, Hamilton, it's not your place to ask."
The feeling now wedged itself into Hamilton's mind like a stone, weighing down all his thought processes. He had caught a strain of something odd in Finn's tone of voice, and he didn't like it. "You know," he said carefully. "Whatever you know about Jake, I probably do too."
"I don't doubt it, Mr. Fleming," Finn said quietly, and their gazes met.
*The Feelers' 'Venus' plays*
Hamilton had been privy to an odd, unsettled mood ever since Kevin Bryant left school. True, the whole gang had participated in staging a peculiar play, which ended in Kevin's immediate expulsion, but he was by no means the only one left wondering if they'd done enough. No measures were taken to ensure that Kevin stayed quiet about what he had found out in his last days at Rawley, and it was likely that he would've pulled out all the stops in a vain attempt to bring Jake and Hamilton down with him.
Come my little Venus
Can’t you feel it’s in all of us
Like the light, we see you soon give up yourself
And dive into the moon
And I don’t mind being with you, knowing I’m by myself
There’s a river in all of us that’s dry
"Kevin Bryant," Hamilton said suddenly, and noted, with grim satisfaction, that recognition seemed to register in Finn's eyes. "He… said something, didn't he?"
Finn took a long time to respond. "Hamilton," he merely said, pausing again. There was no denial.
Hamilton closed his eyes briefly, feeling as though his throat was suddenly made of sandpaper. "You know, don't you?"
Cos you are in me
There's a river in all of us
That's dry
Finn swallowed, then he nodded. The movement was so small it was nearly imperceptible. "He told me," he admitted. "Right before he left."
Despite everything Hamilton could not give up the one hope, the last hope, that perhaps somehow he and Finn have gotten their wires crossed. "That…?" he said, dragging the word out, looking at the teacher expectantly.
"Jake," Finn gazed at Hamilton, obviously scrutinising his reaction. "Jake is…"
Mutely Hamilton watched Finn's lips form themselves into the words that he dreaded, dashing away all faith in a small miracle.
"A girl."
It felt as though the words fell like sledgehammers to his head.
Come my little Venus
Wrapped in shadows, yeah you’re one of us
I hear the footsteps inside your head
Walking, trying to find yourself
I found myself in you
Let me in, let me breathe
Yeah I found myself in you
"So…" Hamilton whispered, his throat dry as bone. He couldn’t go on, nor could he bring himself to meet the teacher’s eyes.
"I don't know, Hamilton," Finn shook his head tiredly. "I don't know anything right now. I’ll have a long talk with… with her." He sighed, and glanced at the boy. "You do know that we have to speak to your father sooner or later. There's just no way she could stay here."
"She could if you don't say anything."
"You know I can't do that."
"Please, Finn," Hamilton's voice was quiet, but as he turned to look at Finn there was an intense light behind his eyes, frantic and desperate. "Please. I'm begging you, don't kick her out. Don't."
You scream in silence but I can hear you
You scream in silence but I can hear you
"I'm sorry," Finn said, avoiding his eyes. "You know that’s impossible. If she stays any longer… if… when the others find out, the media… Rawley’s reputation can’t take something like this. We’ll be laughingstocks. Think of your father, Hamilton."
"I don’t care," Hamilton said, his voice low. "I don’t care. Just please don’t make her leave."
"I’m sorry," Finn said softly, averting his gaze. "I… I just… can't."
Hamilton watched, mutely, as Finn turned and walked away.
Come my little Venus can't you feel, can't you feel
Oh now you're one of us
Like a light we'll see you soon give up yourself
Dive into the moon
I don't mind, I don't mind
A sudden streak of lightning illuminated the dark skies outside, bringing with it the sound of distant thunder. Rain started to fall, first in slow and infrequent droplets, then faster and faster, until the windows were smeared with clouds of steam and condensation, and New Rawley was no longer. It seemed like a wholly different world; a world of mist and fog, of uncertainties, illusions, and portent.
Part Four
The gas station
"Jake!' Bella exclaimed from her seat in front of the television, which was tuned to some children's animated series that she was absently watching. After coming home from school she had immediately plonked herself down on the couch, not intending to move until the time came for the fateful meeting, which was looming - she glanced at her watch - in exactly 39 minutes. She felt that if she had moved or thought independently, she might throw up, or freak out, or not go through with it… so many things could go wrong if she had let herself think. Thus, brain-dead TV watching. The rain outside was pouring down in sheets, showing no sign of ceasing since it started in the early morning.
The brunette let herself in, dripping water all over the welcome mat just inside the door. Paying no attention to her physical state, she strode over just as Bella got to her feet. "I can't believe you told him!" she exclaimed. "I told you to keep quiet, Bella!"
"I'm so, so sorry, I truly am," Bella apologised quickly. "I… I guess I wasn't thinking, and the way he was talking, it was like he knew, so it just sorta slipped out when I was defending you…"
"Defending me?" Jake repeated incredulously. "Are you saying you were trying to help me? Cos you sure as hell didn't! Hamilton's not even speaking to me!"
"I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jake," Bella bit her lower lip. "I'll do anything to make it up to you…"
"He's really upset," Jake continued, looking away. "And he couldn't believe that he had to find out from you."
"Look, I'm really sorry, okay?" Bella said, her voice rising without her quite realising it. "I must've misheard something and I thought he was complaining about you going away, I didn't realise he didn't know!"
"God, Bella! I ask you to do one thing for me, just one thing…"
"Jake, you're not the only one with problems!" Bella protested, sensing all her pent-up nervousness simmering dangerously close to the surface. "I'm sorry, what more do you want me to say? I've got things to deal with myself, you know!"
Jake glared at her. "I only asked you to not tell him, and you couldn't even keep your mouth shut!"
"Jake!" Bella shouted, losing her composure. "It's not the end of the world! It was an accident; I had a lot of things to think about, okay? And they are a lot more serious than some little fight between you and Hamilton!"
There was a moment of silence. Bella blanched and looked as though she were about to speak again, but Jake beat her to it. "I can't believe you!" the brunette exclaimed angrily, turning on her heels and walking out the door without another word. She nearly crashed into Will, who was on his way in. Jake didn't bother acknowledging him, instead pushing straight past and striding into the rain.
Will raised an eyebrow at Bella as he set his sopping umbrella down. "What was that about?"
She sighed. "She can be so self-involved sometimes."
"What happened?" he settled himself down on the couch and looked at the clock. 3:24pm, 36 minutes to go.
"I said something that I wasn't supposed to say to Hamilton," she chewed on her lower lip. "They had a fight, and now she's saying it's all my fault. I mean, okay, so I was responsible, but she was the one who didn’t tell him in the first place. I…" she sighed when she caught the apprehensive, gloomy look on his face. "I know, I know. We have much bigger things to worry about." Wrapping her arms around herself as though cold, she sat down beside him. "We wait?" she asked, following his gaze to the wall clock.
He nodded, swallowing. "We wait."
***
Jake and Hamilton's room
"You can't wait anymore," Hamilton muttered to himself as he paced frantically around the room. "You've got to do something now."
But what can you do? A little voice in his head asked. Surely all was lost. Jake would be booted out of Rawley; the chance of her enrolling in the Girls' Academy would be non-existent, she had played the system for so long, the Board would never let her back in. Then what? He didn't want her to go. Wait, rephrase, he couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving. It couldn’t happen. It, will, not, happen.
Setting his jaw, he charged out of the room and down the hall, his footsteps echoing resolutely as he thundered down the stairs and toward Finn’s office. He didn’t know what he would do once he got there, but he knew it would be everything that he had to. He wasn’t going to let Jake go that easily.
He paused at Finn’s door, closing his eyes briefly. The enormity of the situation pressed down on him, with a fresh weight that he had not allowed himself to feel until now. There was an air of desolation that underpinned the entirety of his actions, and he silently acknowledged that perhaps, in the end, all that he could do would still not be enough.
He didn’t dwell on that, however. He merely gritted his teeth, didn’t bother to knock, and walked into Finn’s office.
Finn was kissing his mother.
For a moment Hamilton was sure he was hallucinating. But as he watched in wide-eyed terror, he saw Finn and his mother turn as though in slow motion. His heart, seemingly having stopped for one split second, now started again, thudding jerkily against his ribcage, the sound of it so loud in his ears that he wasn’t even sure he could hear himself think.
We can't have our family arriving in pieces, she had said earlier, resolutely, wringing a dishtowel between her hands. He suddenly saw that image as though it were burned onto the back of his eyes, drenched in the silver-gold sunlight of that early morning.
Kate paled and let out a strangled cry when she saw her son in the doorway.
"My god," Hamilton finally managed to whisper, even now unable to process the vision of Finn and his mother entangled in each other’s arms. The thought was there, but it didn’t seem to bear processing. It was as though his heart had been run through with anaesthetic: he couldn’t feel a thing.
"Oh god, Hamilton," Kate whispered hoarsely, jerking herself loose from Finn’s grasp as she took a few quick steps toward her son. She stretched out a hand, as if she wanted to touch him, to see if he was really there or just an apparition, perhaps a projection of her own conscience. As he watched mutely, her wedding band caught the light overhead, and it shone brightly as day, though the day itself was dreary, and outside the rain kept pouring down.
Seeing all this: the lights, the ring, the look on her face; it finally brought his wandering, overloaded senses back into his body. It was as though a wave had welled in front of him, building up and up until it finally broke over his head, rendering him helpless with its crushing force. He turned and ran, grabbing blindly at the walls as he stumbled down the hall, trying to steady his footfalls, trying to balance the upside-down kilter of his world.
***
Main Street
Jake hadn't taken her bike to Bella's station, so she was doggedly walking back to the school, trying not to care that the rain was soaking her right through. The heavy downpour limited her vision to a sector of about a foot long and wide, anything beyond that was a watery grey blur, and she could see no sign of human activity out on the streets.
The rain cooled her head and, despite her anger, she was starting to feel the beginning twinges of regret. She shouldn't have spoken so harshly to Bella, nor should she have been so quick to become angry at Hamilton. It was true; a lot of this had been her own fault. Silently, she resolved that she was going to smooth things over with him as soon as she got back to Rawley.
With this thought in mind, she felt slightly cheered, even though the rain was plastering her hair to her head and her drenched binder was becoming a most uncomfortable, not to mention cold, addition to her waterlogged clothes.
She didn't see Scout until they were almost on top of each other, both of them exclaiming in surprise as they collided. Jake brushed her wet hair away from her eyes and Scout peered from underneath the heavy hood of his raincoat. "It's you!" they exclaimed in unison. "What are you doing here?" he added.
"Just at Bella's," she said loudly over the sound of rain, skipping the part about the fight. "What about you?"
"I gotta meet her, Sean and Will in a quarter of an hour. I’m kinda early – I think."
"You, Sean, Bella and Will?" she repeated, her eyes widening.
"Yeah," he said, and even in the pouring rain she could see the apprehensive look on his face. "Will told me Bella has something to tell us. It’s about time she chose between Sean and me."
"Choosing?" she murmured, realising with sudden comprehension why Bella was so jumpy earlier. She swallowed nervously and looked away from his guileless eyes.
"Wish me luck, all right?" he patted her on the arm and started toward town again. She may have been silent, but it was hard to tell because the deafening sound of falling water was drowning out all others. She may have murmured ‘don't do anything stupid’, but that he promptly forgot because he’d obviously heard wrong. They nodded at each other and went their separate ways, forcing their own paths through the pouring rain.
***
The gas station
The clock now read 3:50 and both Will and Bella seemed entranced, staring at the second hand making its slow, persistent way around the clock face. Once, twice, three times.
"Will," she whispered, her hand grasping his. "I'm so scared."
"I know," he said, swallowing. "But it's gonna be all right, I swear."
She looked at him with huge, frightened eyes. "How can it be, Will? I feel like I can't breathe."
"It'll all be over soon, Bella," he whispered, hugging her quickly. "Just repeat to yourself, it'll all be over soon."
"I love you," she whispered into his shoulder. "I know this is a really bad time, to…" she sighed. "But I do."
"I love you too," he murmured, burying his face in her hair. "No matter what happens with them, we're gonna come through in the end, and we're gonna be left standing, okay? We've got to be strong for ourselves."
***
Out on the street, Scout peeked through the windows of the diner. He saw no one in there, save for the guy at the counter; which he thought was fair since he did arrive ten minutes early. Raising his head and gazing at the rain still coming down hard and fast, he turned and walked toward the gas station.
As he made his way across the road, he could make out the vague forms of Will and Bella through the fogged-up glass door. They were sitting on the couch, and he had gathered her into a tight embrace. Scout smiled to himself: one could always count on Will to be there when one needed a shoulder to lean on. He reached for the door handle.
Inside, Bella pulled away from Will. "Okay," she said, offering a wobbly smile. "Let's go."
"One last thing," his smile was equally wobbly as he smoothed a strand of hair away from her face.
She let her eyes fall closed as he leaned forward and kissed her softly. Choosing to forget their sorry predicament and what was to come, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, knowing that this gentle intimacy may be their only comfort in the hours to follow.
*Portishead's 'Roads' plays*
Scout watched through the glass door. He saw the hazy figures in the house part then meld into one, lips pressed together, arms wound against each other, yet for a moment or two he could not fathom what it meant. All he knew was that Will and Bella were kissing, but he couldn't understand what that was or even what it implicated. His entire mind had gone dead.
His own warm breath made a misty circle on the glass, enveloping the embracing figures on the couch, making them into a dreamlike picture. Condensed water drops ran down the glass and carved a path through the fog, bringing fragments of the picture into focus, perhaps clearer than he could bear.
It was another few seconds before the pain sank into him, cold and bright like a shard of ice.
Oh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight, never find our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel this wrong
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong?
Will and Bella finally parted, with identical apprehensive smiles. "I love you," she said again, touching his cheek, the words escaping on a sigh. "Let’s do this."
On the other side of the door, Scout read her lips as if she were standing before him. I love you, she had said, but not to him.
She said it to Will.
Stone in the morning light, I feel no more
Can I say, from self to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
Surely that ain't right
Scout didn’t realise that he had reached up and pressed a hand to his mouth. His lips felt strangely cold against his palm, like he was broken up into pieces that did not recognise each other as part of the same body. His gaze was still fastened on the interior of the house, unable to be torn away, though he knew that he had seen more than enough of what he needed to see. Not even his mind could delude him beyond this point in time. A loud ringing had replaced the sound of the rain in his ears, and it kept on going and going and going and dimly, he registered that insanity must feel something like this.
"Let's go." Will said gently, pulling Bella up from her seat. They turned to the door, and the smile faded from their faces at the same time as they saw Scout standing out there, indistinct, surrounded by water and mist, his outline blurred by the foggy glass like an amalgamation of terrifying dreams.
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong?
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong?
Once upon a time Scout didn’t think it possible that pain could be so acute when it wasn’t caused by something physical; he didn’t understand that so much agony could come from the inside, without the aid of blades or poison or open flame. He knew now that it could be otherwise.
His hand was still pressed to his mouth, because his stomach was twisting itself into a million knots and he tasted bile bubbling up in his throat. With a stifled gasp he lurched away from the door.
Behind him, Bella and Will dashed out of the gas station and into the pouring rain. "Scout!" Bella yelled desperately. "SCOUT!"
He did not turn around. In another moment he was gone, swallowed up by the grey water and the sea of mist, and it was as though he had never been there at all.
The rain washed over Bella and Will as they stood there, she clinging to him with all her strength, his hand clenched around her trembling shoulder. "Oh god," she choked out, looking up at him. "Will, what have we done?"
Oh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight, never find our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel this wrong?
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong?
***
Sean walked down the street, trying futilely to see through the rain and get his bearings. He peered around him, peeking out from underneath the hood of his raincoat. Cascading water stretched out on Main Street like liquid curtains, separating him from everything and everything from him.
He glanced at his watch and groaned: it was already five past four. Sighing loudly, he trudged on, heading toward the diner.
Suddenly, a familiar figure broke through the enshrouding rain, stumbling past him with pounding footsteps, bringing up splashes of water in its haste. Sweeping his wet hair away from his forehead, Sean furrowed his brows. "Scout?" he called uncertainly.
The figure half-turned, and Sean could see that it was indeed Scout, the hood of his jacket thrown back, his drenched hair looking almost black in the grey light, rivulets of rain running freely down his face, which was drained of all colour. "What's wrong, man?" Sean demanded, alarmed.
Scout did not answer. He stared at Sean but it seemed as though he saw straight through the other boy, the glazed blue of his eyes piercing even in the darkness, a searing line of sight that burned whatever it touched. His face, never one to conceal emotions with ease, was anguished; it was as though even making a sound was too much task. As Sean stared at him he turned away.
"Wait! Scout!" Sean called, but the other boy had already disappeared into the folds of rain, into the cold grey yonder, somewhere that he could no longer see.
***
Bella and Will stood on the street, staring numbly at the direction in which Scout had run away. Bella buried her face in Will's shoulder, beginning to sob out loud, great gasping tremors that came from within, trying to release the dull ache that had lodged itself in her chest. Nothing could save her from the impurity that she felt welling up from the inside, not even Will, though he was the only solidity that she could cling to.
But he was as cold as she was. He had raised his face to the sky, as though he wished for some sort of cleansing, some sort of indication that they had perhaps done the right thing. But the sky did not answer, and all they could see was rain, falling towards the earth in cold glassy droplets, one by one by one.
"Will! Bella!" Sean called, hurrying up to them, parting the watery veil and emerging as if he were a mirage. He took in the looks on their faces, their utter stupefaction and, not hearing an answer, yelled in frustration. "Would someone mind telling me what the hell is going on?"
Slowly, they turned to look at him. The look in their eyes was eerily similar: a removed kind of sorrow, guilt intermingled with silent resolve. As he stared at them something seemed to click in the back of his mind, but he remained there, looking at them mutely, waiting for them to speak. Overhead, the rain showed no sign of ceasing.
Part Five
"What?" Sean murmured. Will and Bella could not hear him because the sound of the wind and the rain drowned out all else, but they knew what he had said. The look on his face was enough.
Will felt empty inside, like all of him was extracted from this shell and discarded in some forgotten corner. The point of this whole meeting was suddenly lost on him and he wondered why they ever thought telling Scout and Sean would be a good idea. He could still recall Scout's pale face through the glass door, his features twisted with pain and disbelief. And now he watched Sean as though he were removed from his own body; he could feel himself calmly staring at the lips half-parted in incredulity, the flicker of dying hope in the other boy’s eyes.
"I'm in love with Bella," he repeated what he said only moments ago. He had to shout them in the face of the howling wind, so that there could be no mistake, so that they could gain their coveted freedom at last. He didn’t think about how much that freedom was worth; that didn’t bear thinking about.
Sean merely gaped. Bella, biting her lower lip, grasped Will's hand. "I'm sorry, Sean," she whispered. "But we fell in love."
It was another few moments before Sean reacted. Will, standing there, watched in still remove as the other boy stirred, a visionless fury beginning to boil behind his blank expression.
"Come on, then," Will said, quietly, not removing his eyes from Sean’s face.
Sean punched him, his fist catching Will squarely in the jaw. Will tumbled to the ground, his limbs striking the slick asphalt with surprising force. A pained gasp forced its way from him, and as he struggled to his knees he could hear Sean say above him, "You were my best friend."
"Will!" Bella cried, dropping down beside him. "Are you all right?"
Will looked up from where he fell, wiping a spot of blood from his broken upper lip. "I’m sorry, man," he whispered as Bella helped him to his feet. "I know… I know I can’t…"
"Save it, Krudski," Sean said vehemently, cutting off the rest of Will’s words. "Just save it."
Turning to Bella, he merely looked at her, not saying a word. That was enough to make fresh tears spring to her eyes. "Sean," she whispered, dropping her gaze and looking as though she wanted to disappear altogether from this world. "I…"
"You too, Bella," he said, with an edge of finality to his voice as he turned and walked away, his fists balling at his sides.
Behind him, Will gathered Bella into his arms, trying to grasp from their collective drenched chills any small comfort that they might yet offer to each other. She buried her face in his chest, her strangled sobs mingling with the sound of wind and rain until there was no distinction between them, or anything else.
***
Finn's office
Finn gazed out of the window, trying to distract himself by watching rivulets of rain run down the glass panes, one after the other in an unceasing, aimless chase.
Almost an hour had passed since Hamilton had walked in on his reconciliation with Kate, and he was still too scared to venture outside of his office. Who might have said that the artistically minded literature teacher had no fear? He couldn’t even bring himself to walk out of that door, though he knew that he should. He should try to find Kate, who had rushed out after her son; or to find Hamilton and try to explain, though he didn’t know what explanation he could possibly give that could make the situation any easier to bear. Or maybe he should just pack his bags and leave a note of resignation on the desk, disappear before any of this had time to really sink in.
Even now, deep down he knew the last option was not possible. He didn’t deny that he was a coward when it came to it, but he could not leave Kate here alone, to try and deal with the consequences on her own.
He sighed and rifled through his desk to find a packet of cigarettes that he had just confiscated off Ryder Forrest this morning. He had not smoked in many years, but now seemed an appropriate time to break the habit. At the thought of what Ryder would say if he saw Finn smoking one of his cigarettes, he managed a wry smile.
Before he could light up, however, a series of urgent knocks sounded on his door. Quickly stuffing the cigarettes back into a drawer, Finn raised his voice. "Come in."
The door opened slowly, and Finn's eyes widened as he saw Hamilton silhouetted against the light from the hallway. The boy’s face was expressionless, his eyes cast into shadow like dark pools.
"Hamilton," Finn exclaimed, getting to his feet. "I…"
"I don't want to talk about it," Hamilton interrupted him brusquely, closing the door behind him.
"But…"
"Especially with you."
"But don' t you think…" Finn said, imploringly.
"Just shut up."
Finn recoiled. "I was just trying to…"
"I don't want to hear it," Hamilton said through gritted teeth, his voice low and restrained. "I’m not here to discuss what I saw, Finn; I'm here for something else."
Finn eased himself slowly back into his chair, swallowing. "Have a seat."
Hamilton shook his head, leaning back against the door instead. For a few moments neither spoke, each carefully avoiding the other’s eyes.
"Jake," Hamilton finally said, taking a deep breath. "What are your plans for her?"
"I have a meeting with her tonight," Finn said quietly. "And then I guess I'll have to report this to the Dean, and he'll take it from there."
He could see Hamilton blanching a little at the mention of his father, and hastily looked away, swallowing the sudden wave of guilt that rose up in his stomach.
"So this is what you're gonna do? Just tell my dad and this whole thing will be over?"
"Hamilton," Finn said uncomfortably. "You know if I could help, I would. But the rules…"
"Damn the rules," Hamilton exclaimed, lifting his head angrily. His gaze burned into Finn’s, all of a sudden devoid of all uncertainty. "You're just gonna throw her out like this?"
"We can't let her stay here," Finn said softly. "I'm sorry, but you know she can't."
Hamilton did not speak as he lowered his eyes once more, leaving a prominent, eerie silence in the air, broken only by the rustlings of the rain outside. Finn clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to speak again. He didn’t know what would come out if he did.
When Hamilton finally spoke, his voice carried only a weary finality. "Yes, she can," he said, looking straight at Finn. "She can, and she will."
Finn glanced up sharply. "What?"
The corners or Hamilton's mouth twisted up, just a little. It was impossible to tell whether it was a grimace or some semblance of a smile. "She will stay here," he said quietly. "You will see to it."
"Hamilton," Finn stared at the boy. "What are you saying?"
"That you’ll keep this knowledge to ourselves and ourselves only," Hamilton said, his gaze very steady. "No one will know, not even Jake. She's gonna come in here tonight and you won’t tell her that you know she's a girl." A pause, and he glanced away for a moment before he continued. "You won’t go to my father, and you won’t tell anyone else about this. No one at all."
"And if I don't?" Finn asked faintly.
Hamilton shut his eyes, then. Finn could see his fingers slipping over the door behind him as though he was trying to find something to hold on to. "I’ll go to my father," he whispered. "And I’ll tell him everything I saw in here today."
Finn stared at him. "Are you blackmailing me?"
Hamilton opened his eyes again. They seemed almost black in the dim light, apprehensive and, at the same time, possessed with a strange certainty.
"I can't believe you're doing this, Hamilton," Finn sighed, suddenly feeling old to his bones.
"Believe me," Hamilton replied, his voice breaking. "I’m not enjoying it."
"You don't have to do this," Finn whispered, his hand tightening around the armrest of his chair. In the brief moment that it took him to get the words out, he thought of the Dean, of Jake, and above all Kate, fragile and confounded, waiting for her happy home to crumble around her like a house of cards. He closed his eyes and turned away.
Hamilton remained looking back at him, however. His eyes were desolate, lips pressed into a thin, grim line.
"If you truly understand what love is," he said softly. "Then you’ll know I have to do this. There is no other way."
***
Jake and Hamilton's room
Jake opened her door wearily when frantic knocks sounded outside, and much to her surprise, it was Scout who stumbled into the room. He slammed the door shut behind him, leaning back on it, blinking rapidly. His breath was coming in gasps, and he averted his face, looking simultaneously embarrassed at his state and too far gone to care.
"Scout, what's wrong?" Jake demanded, noticing that he was still wearing his drenched raincoat, dripping water all over the floor.
"I'm sorry," he choked out, "I just… I just have to…" His breath caught and he covered his face with trembling hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeated, gasping for air. "I just… I…"
"Just tell me what's wrong, Scout," she reached toward him. "Don’t scare me like this."
He shook his head, face still buried in his hands. "I need…need to talk to someone," he whispered. "And there was no one else, I…"
"Come here," she said softly, guiding him away from the door. She sat him down on Hamilton’s bed and took him by the shoulders. "Take it easy, man."
"Bella…" he finally choked out. "And Will…"
Jake's heart sank. "Bella and Will?" she repeated softly.
"They… they were…" he faltered, pressing a shaking hand over his mouth. "They’re… together. I saw them…"
"You saw them? Together?" she repeated, a surge of sympathy washing over her. "Oh, Scout, I'm so sorry."
"Will," his face crumpled as he uttered the name. "God, he was my best friend…"
"He is your friend," she said forcefully. "So is Bella. They weren't trying to hurt you, you’ve got to believe that."
"I just… I just can't believe they could do this," he murmured, digging his knuckles into his eyes and turning away from her. "Were they ever gonna tell me? Or was she just gonna leave me and Sean waiting like idiots all this time…"
"You know that's not fair," she said consolingly. "They were gonna tell you today, weren’t they? That was the whole reason why they wanted to meet."
"Today…" he murmured, another pained grimace crossing his bitter expression. "It all makes sense, doesn't it? He was gonna tell us that he, of all people, stole the girl we've both waited for…"
"He didn’t steal her," she said softly. "I’m sorry it had to come out this way, Scout, but I guess now you finally know…"
"How did you?" he suddenly exclaimed, drawing back.
"What?"
"You said they were gonna tell me today, how the hell did you know?" he exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "You knew, didn't you? You knew, and that was why you said 'don't do anything stupid' when I was going over there! Oh my god, I can't believe this!"
" Scout…" she began, looking caught.
"How could you?" he shouted, cutting her off. "How could you just stand there and watch me make a fool of myself when you knew all along she was in love with him?"
"Wait," she exclaimed, "don't blame me! I didn't wanna be a part of this!"
"All this time you knew, and you said nothing?" he yelled, lurching toward the door as though he were going to be sick. Before he could reach it, however, the door opened, revealing Hamilton standing out in the hallway, looking drained and unfocused. "You knew too, didn't you?" Scout shouted hysterically as he shoved the other boy aside. "Did everyone know except me? God, I hate you! I hate all of you!"
With that, he fled down the hall. They could hear the sound of his stumbling footsteps fading away.
Hamilton turned to Jake, aghast. "What happened?"
She sighed. "He found out about Bella and Will."
He nodded, looking disinterested once more. Without another glance in her direction he headed toward his bed.
"Hamilton," she began hesitantly, looking contrite. "I…"
"Look, Jake," he said wearily. "I'm just not in a mood to talk right now. It can wait until tomorrow, okay?"
She cast a dejected look over him. He did not see it, instead flopping down onto his bed, forlornly running both hands through his hair. And then he turned away from her and closed his eyes.
She took one last glance at him and stood up, slipping softly out the door, biting her lower lip as she went.
Part Six
The gas station
Will sat on the couch, grimacing as Bella gently dabbed at his cut lip. "It's stopped bleeding," she told him, her words escaping on a soft sigh.
"Thanks," he said quietly, offering a small, miserable smile.
"This is what we wanted, right?" she whispered after a moment. "Everything. We knew this was gonna happen."
He nodded silently, his eyes not leaving hers.
"Damn it," she looked away, blinking. "Then why does it feel so wrong?"
"We’re not bad people, Bella," he murmured. "You have to believe me."
"How can you say that when you saw what we put them through?" she asked, her voice weak and forlorn. "We’re responsible for this, Will, whether you like it or not…"
"Bella," he demanded, taking both her hands in his grasp. "Don't do this to yourself. It’s not your fault, and it wasn’t wrong for us to fall in love…"
"I wish I could believe that," she whispered, burying her face in his shoulder, trying to hold back the tears.
***
Finn's office
Finn watched the sky get darker and darker, inhaling deeply on his third cigarette. It was strange how, he mused, even with the enshrouding rain, one could still see day recede and night approach, because night was darker still. The sun, though unseen, still managed to shed a fraction of its feeble light through the dense cover of clouds.
He watched the smoke from the cigarette curl upon itself, trailing upward from the glowing red tip. Staring at it, transfixed, he thought it brought a certain degree of comfort. Especially now, when he was left in this room, with the fresh smell of rain wafting through the window that stood ajar, alone with his thoughts. He tapped the cigarette on the rim of his coffee cup, gazing transfixed as the glow suddenly grew brighter, a tiny red-orange beacon that was his only company.
There was a hesitant knock on the door, and he hastened to put the cigarette out, switching on his desk lamp. "Come in."
Jake entered, pausing as she adjusted from the bright lights out in the hall. "Hi Finn," she said. "Is this a good time?"
He managed a half-smile. "As a good a time as any."
She came forward, the light throwing the contours of her face into distorted shadow. "You wanted to talk to me?"
"Have a seat," he said with a small nod.
She obliged, looking at him expectantly. He stared back at her, from those apprehensive eyes to her pale, delicate features, from the layers of clothing to the long tapered fingers placed on her lap, tips gently touching. With surprise he noted a coat of cream-coloured varnish decorating the nail of the little finger on her left hand. For a brief moment it finally became apparent to him, in some ways, of what she must have had to give up to stay at Rawley.
"Uh, Finn?" she asked, her voice confused and tentative.
He blinked, clearing his throat. "Um, Jake, I needed to talk to you about… your essay on Hamlet."
She raised an eyebrow. "My essay?"
He nodded. "It was an excellent piece of work."
"And…?" she said slowly, looking confused.
"That's it," he shrugged. "It was a great essay. I'll be expecting you to keep that standard up."
"You said that you needed to talk to me urgently," she said, looking a little suspicious.
"I was pretty excited about the essay," he said after a pause, attempting a smile. "It really was superb."
A small grin broke over her face. "Better than Will's?" she asked hopefully.
He couldn't help a smile at that. "You’ll get the paper back tomorrow," he said, getting to his feet. "Thank you for coming to see me, Jake."
She also stood up, looking relieved. "I thought you were gonna give me bad news. You looked so serious this morning."
"It's just about the essay, Jake," he said gently, averting his eyes. "I'm sorry if I scared you. Good night."
"See you tomorrow," she nodded, sauntering away from the desk. A moment later, the door closed softly behind her.
He sat back down and fumbled around for a match. He found one, struck it, and lit another cigarette from the small flickering flame that burst out, bright and incandescent like a better life that was just a little too far for him to reach on his own.
***
Jake and Hamilton's room
Hamilton sat on his bed, staring into space. He had not bothered to turn the lights on, and the night enveloped him like a cool dark embrace. Outside, the sound of splattering rain could still be heard, though it had eased markedly. But the skies have already faded to black; a day had passed without sun at all.
His head jerked up, as though on reflex, when the door opened without a knock. But as his mother walked in, he looked down again immediately, not bothering to acknowledge her presence.
Kate paused for a moment in the doorway, looking petrified. With a shaking hand she reached up for the wall switch, and bright light flooded the room. Hamilton flinched visibly, but he kept his eyes down.
She seated herself gingerly at the foot of his bed, toying with her fingers. Neither of them spoke; the silence that filled the room was not unsettling nor nervous, but strangely conclusive, and that perhaps was the most frightening aspect of it. It seemed to lament the loss of certain things that could not be gathered back.
"I'm… I'm so sorry," she said.
He did not answer, turning instead to gaze at the night outside.
"Don't do this to me, Hamilton," she pleaded quietly. "Say something, please."
He was silent as he watched the rain run down the windows, their transparency offset by the darkness and their own reflections.
"You can yell at me if you want," she said, blinking rapidly. "Anything… please. Just don't ignore me. I can’t handle that."
He stirred, but did not turn around.
"Munchie." she said, her voice breaking.
There was no response.
"Stop it!" she cried, reaching out and grabbing him by the shoulders, tears spilling out over her cheeks. "Just stop it, Hamilton! Please stop it…"
He turned, then, very slowly and deliberately. His eyes, when he trained them on her, were disinterested and blank beyond any recognition, like blue glass.
"Go away," he whispered.
*Dido's 'Honestly OK' plays*
She stared at him, biting down on her trembling lower lip as her hands slipped from their grasp.
"Just… go away," he murmured, his voice fatigued.
"Hamilton," she whispered, reaching out as though she wanted to touch his cheek. But her hand lingered in midair, suspended, uncertain, and she looked toward him as though in a silent plea.
His eyes travelled over her extended arm like it wasn't there, and he looked out the window once more.
She waited. When he did nothing else, she closed her eyes, her face crumpling. But she remained mute as she stood up and made her way to the door. Turning with one hand on the handle, she looked at him imploringly, as though she expected one last gesture to hold her back; but none came.
"I’m sorry," she said softly before she turned and walked out, the door shutting behind her with a dull thud.
He kept his gaze on the window. Even though his expression remained impassive, a lone tear slowly trailed down his cheek. He didn’t bother wiping it away.
I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin
I just want to be
Happy again
Sean sat in the bleachers at the ball park, lifting his face to feel the cool water drops on his skin. Jamming his hands in his pockets, he stood up, and began the long walk home.
I just want to feel
Deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself
Anymore
A boxing match was on, and the common room was crammed full of raucous boys. Unnoticed by all, Jake sat quietly in an armchair in the far corner, hugging herself as though cold. Her gaze was trained on the window, and from the dark glass her reflection stared back.
On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel
Lost and so frightened
Finn stared, entranced, at the glowing red tip of his cigarette. Reaching out, he turned off the desk lamp, plunging the room back into darkness, where only this faint luminescence remained.
But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself
Anymore
Kate opened the door to her house, a haggard figure framed by the night outside. Walking into the darkened, empty kitchen, she found only a note held to the refrigerator door by a heart-shaped magnet. Emergency Board Meeting, it read in her husband's neat cursive. Have dinner without me, and don't wait up. It's going to be another late night.
Closing her eyes, Kate leaned back against the fridge and slumped to the floor, burying her face in her hands.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself
Anymore
Scout leaned both hands on the dresser and looked into the mirror. His expression was tired, vacant, full of nothingness. It was as though the person staring back were a total stranger.
*Will's voiceover starts*
'Love is a force, sometimes beautiful, sometimes painful, and it could bring our worlds down around us if we’re not careful. Love walks hand in hand with pain and guilt, and though it may feel wrong, we must believe that there is innocence in love. There’s nothing wrong in truly loving a person, nothing shameful about it, nothing immoral. There might be no way of escaping the guilt, but know this, and believe in it: though we may be sinners, and though we may be guilty, there's always going to be a place deep in our hearts where pure love resides, a place where we are all forever innocent.'
Inside Bella's house, she leaned her head on Will's shoulder, and together, they watched the rain outside slowly cease.
I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin
I just want to be
Happy again
