YA2:03 - The Price For Tenderness

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Farewell & Goodnight by the Smashing Pumpkins

Author�s Notes: Starting to head into serious issue territory. Any thoughts on how I handled the gay-bashing scenario, good, bad or ugly, feel free to drop me a line. Season 2, episode 3. Revised version 2004. Read the commentary for changes to episodes 201-203 here.

Part One

Teaser

*THC's 'Dip' plays*

From inside the diner, Will Krudski gazed at the large windowpanes and saw himself reflected in them, offset against a backdrop of dark night. Looking past his own image, he watched Bella Banks put the finishing touches on a car that she was fixing in her family's garage. His gaze lost its convergence for just a second, swinging his own reflection sharply back into focus. For a minute he stared at himself, the blue Friendly�s polo shirt, the boyish face, the confused look in his eyes. Then his focus wavered again, and Bella swerved back into his line of vision.

You, you're attached by
A hot wire through my eye
You, you're attached by
A quiet wire in my ear
You, you're attached by
Those sweet pictures you've dug in my brain

Scout Calhoun, who also worked in Friendly's but not that particular night, sat alone and obscured in the corner booth. He too stared at Bella across the street, not aware that Will was doing the same thing only a few feet away. Most of his face was hidden in shadow, though the angled light picked up glints of gold from his brown hair, outlining his defined profile. His eyes glittered as he looked at her through the window, beyond his own reflection. She was dressed casually for a cool fall evening, in a simple sweater and jeans, her hands covered by grubby rubber gloves that came up to her elbows. She leaned under the open hood of the car, her blonde hair falling forward like a cascade of moonlight.

Dip a finger in me
And paste my word on your machine
Let me be distraction, let me be dream
Let me be your future, let me be all
Dip a finger in me
And draw my words on your machine

Sean McGrail sat in his father�s pick-up truck with the window rolled down, not noticing that the whispering night wind was chilling him to the bone. He faced away from Friendly's, so he did not see Will and Scout inside the diner. Instead, he too was looking at Bella, with the truck hidden in the darkness where the light of the street lamps did not reach. His reflection shone back at him from the car's side view mirror, a blond boy, cute in a wholesome way, whose brown eyes crinkled kindly when he smiled, which, incidentally, was not now.

In my dream I can touch you
In a dream
I can feel you twist I can feel you writhe
Because you are with me

*Will's voiceover starts*

'Love. Joy. Tenderness. We all want it. We all crave it as if it is a drug and every single one of us in this world are hooked onto it. Except this time, you can't exchange it for hard cash, no matter how much of it you have, or how much prestige you have, or how much power. It's the old story, money can't buy you love. Sometimes in this mad hunt for love we are forced to reach into the deepest parts of our souls, look upon our own reflections, and find there things that we don't ever want to find. We grope blindly in the dark as we try desperately to impress, to capture, to move the ones we love, to try to make them love us back.'

Bella looked up suddenly. The back of her neck was prickling, sending unpleasant cold shivers down her spine. She glanced around, but did not see anything unusual. "Come off it," she whispered to herself as she closed the hood softly. Walking toward the door of the gas station, she took her gloves off and tossed them into a bucket nearby.

At the door she paused again, thrown by the persistent feeling that she was being watched. She glanced towards Friendly's once more and saw Will wiping the counter, his head down. She shrugged, turned and went inside.

Will peeked up from his show of vigorous scrubbing and stared as Bella let herself into the house. So did Scout in his booth. So did Sean, outside in the truck.

Through a paper wall I see you
Dancing in another's dream
Can't help but be my distraction
You're all I dream

*Will's voiceover continues*

'So we ask out loud, as we hopelessly lose and entangle ourselves in the pain, the exhilaration and the suffering: what exactly is the price for tenderness?'

Will gazed at the door Bella disappeared into, and with a jolt realised that he had been staring all this while. He blinked and grimaced, lowering his eyes with an effort. Almost immediately his gaze flickered upwards again, as though with a will of its own.

Pinpricked wall's light falls over me
Warm until searing, good until bleeding
Throw something out at me
Remind me how to breathe

Part Two

*theme song and opening credits*

Jake and Hamilton�s room

Morning sunlight filtered through the windows, indicating the beginning of another clear autumn day. Hamilton Fleming lay in bed on his side, propping himself up with an elbow and looking over to the other bed in the dorm room, where his roommate and girlfriend slept.

A smile playing about the corner of his lips, his eyes travelled over her dark hair fanning haphazardly over the pillow. Jake Pratt. Jacqueline Pratt. Whatever the name was, she was the one person that he loved most of all in this whole world, and that was all he needed to know.

He didn't know how long he stayed there, just watching her, before she stirred and opened her eyes. Smiling sleepily, she glanced over at him. "Morning."

He threw his covers aside and slid off the bed. "Morning," he replied as he sat down beside her. She was about to speak when he whispered 'shh' leaned forward, giving her a long kiss.

It was tender and devoted, lips upon lips in a timeless moment, simultaneously loving and being loved. As he pulled back, she opened her eyes slowly, a contented smile decorating her expression. "What was that for?" she asked softly.

He smiled. "I don�t know. I just really needed to do that."

She grinned and pulled herself up into a sitting position. "How long have you been awake?"

"A while," he replied with a lazy shrug.

She smiled at him, noticing how the sun lit up his eyes, making them cornflower blue. Reaching forward, she wound her arms around his neck. "Come here," she whispered, pulling him into another kiss. The sunlight felt gentle and luxurious on her face, warming the fingertips that ware entwined around his neck, tinting the blissful moment with soft gold.

And Jake broke away suddenly as her thoughts finally registered. "Oh my god," she exclaimed. "What time is it?"

"I dunno," he furrowed his brows as they glanced at the wall clock and leapt up simultaneously.

"Quarter past nine!" shrieked Jake. "Oh god, Finn�s class is gonna be half over by the time we get there!" Scrambling to her closet, she tried to brush her hair, fit on her binder and zip up a pair of jeans at the same time.

Hamilton fared no better, except that he had no binder to worry about. Pausing as he pulled a sweater over his head, he looked over. "Maybe we should just cut class."

"Are you kidding?" she stared at him mid-zip. "Both of us missing at the same time? How many guesses do you need to figure out what the guys would think we're doing?"

"It�s not a bad idea," he grinned and ducked as she threw the hairbrush at him. "Seriously, they�re gonna think the same thing whether we show up or not."

"Ever heard of damage control?" she rummaged through her bag, frantically pulling out her English books.

"Not in a case like this," he grumbled, but she was already out the door. He signed in resignation and followed.

***
Finn�s classroom

Finn paced the room, looking at his students. This was the only co-ed class in Rawley Academy, and he was proud to say that it was he who had pushed the issue through with the Dean. Sure, the students did tend to get distracted a little more than if they were in a single-sex class, he mused, but seeing that he specialised in creative writing and literature discussions, he could feel that the class as a whole was presenting a wider scope of opinions and creativity, probably due to the fundamentally different natures of the sexes.

And he loved that. He loved heated discussions, he loved moments of contemplative silence, he loved teaching. He loved most of all the way young people thought and acted and observed the world. But now was not the time for such observations, for he had administration tasks to... well, administer.

"As you know," he began, surveying the class, "the annual new entrant bonding camp will be taking place in a few days. Every year the sophomore class is taken to a suitable camping spot not far from New Rawley, to participate in a few activities, go on a hike, and stay overnight. It�s good fun, and it is mandatory. We will be leaving the day after tomorrow, and if you look in your common room, you can pick up a list detailing the clothes and equipment that you need to bring. Any questions?"

Quite a few hands shot up.

"No, the camp will not be co-ed,?he said with a smile. �The girls will be going to a different camping site."

Almost all the hands went down at once, many faces looked crestfallen. There was a smattering of giggles from the group of girls in the corner. Finn chuckled along and pointed to the last hand that was still lazily waving in the air. "Mr Forrest?"

"Do I have to go?" asked Ryder Forrest, eyeing the teacher with disinterest.

"Seeing that you are repeating 10th grade," Finn said. "And you�ve already gone on the camp before, I think the choice is up to you. If you decide not to go, I�m sure we can arrange for you to do some work here."

�I don�t think...� Ryder smirked and began, an insolent expression on his face. But before he could finish the sentence, Hamilton and Jake burst into the room, out of breath.

"Sorry we�re late," Hamilton panted, quickly sliding into a seat by the door. Jake sat down next to him, looking sheepish.

The other students glanced discreetly at each other, and a few sniggered, Ryder among them. Watching Jake�s ears glow beet-red under the scrutiny, his smile deepened, a glint of mischief playing in his eyes.

"All right guys," Finn said, rolling his eyes skyward. "Settle down. So, Ryder, are you staying or going?"

"Coming to think of it," Ryder drawled, still looking at Jake. "I�ll go after all."

***

As the bell rang, signalling the end of class, a torrent of students flooded out of Finn�s classroom, Will and Scout letting themselves be carried along among them.

"God, Finn�s just going all out on these essay questions, isn�t he?" Scout moaned as he looked at his notes. "How are we supposed to finish this in two days?"

"Would help if you listen now and again," Will teased.

Scout grinned sheepishly, shrugging. They walked on for a moment in silence before he spoke. "So, uh, how�s Bella?"

Will glanced at him sharply. "How should I know?"

"I thought you were hanging out with her a lot lately, that�s all," said Scout. "God knows I haven�t."

"Don�t you know she�s mad at me?" asked Will.

"Really?" Scout asked. "Actually, I didn�t know. Why?"

"She found out that I was helping you and Sean at the same time," Will managed a wry smile. "You know, to try to win her over."

"Oh, that�s gotta set her on edge," Scout groaned. "Sorry about that, man."

"It�s okay," Will shrugged as they walked into the dorms. "But I haven�t spoken to her lately either."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better," Scout said. "I�m really, really trying to back off now. I wonder if it�s working."

*David Gray's 'My Oh My' plays*

Their footsteps echoed down the hallway, "So you�re finally honouring her decision?" Will asked quietly.

"Yeah," Scout said. They walked on in silence until they reached their dorm room. "I know I haven�t been acting it lately," he said, "but... it�s kinda like, I finally figured out that if I want to have a chance with her, I really do need to give her some space, you know? What she wants comes first. And I guess I�ll just have to put my faith in the fact that she will choose me in the end."

Will put down his book bag slowly. "So... Bella before anything else."

"Will, you know me," Scout glanced at him. "You know how I feel about her..."

"No, I don�t, not nowadays," Will interrupted, feeling his stomach clench painfully as he struggled to face his hidden fears. "She was your sister, and now she�s not, fine. You want her, fine. But... have you ever considered the possibility that you might just want her because, I don�t know, because this was something that you've wanted for so long?" Scout opened his mouth with a defiant look on his face, but Will pressed on, "There's a distinction between fantasy and reality, Scout," he said quickly. "How do you really feel about her? Not how you felt about her, but how you feel, now. Things change, you know."

Things change. Those words held some special irony for himself. When did Bella change from childhood friend to secret love? He was concentrating so hard on not making a move, not upsetting the delicate balance of friendship and trust and everything that was between him and her and Scout and Sean, but the truth was that he couldn�t handle it much longer.

What on earth is going on in my heart
Cos my oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough

So he was scrambling to find a way out. Deliberately asking Scout this question to which he already knew the answer, inflicting upon himself pain and suffering, things that Scout must never see with his lovesick eyes. Or maybe, just maybe, he was hoping that Scout might reach inside himself and suddenly realise that yes, Will was right, he didn't really love the real Bella any more, but rather the Bella of months ago, the perfect memory, the fragment of summer, before the world went on and left him standing alone.

Even Will himself didn't think this likely. But what else could he do, nowadays?

Scout just looked at him. Will stared back, fighting the urge to turn away from the other boy�s clear blue gaze.

"I love her."

I love her.

For a moment Will was thrown. Did he say those words? Or was it Scout? The thought was in his head just then, shimmering like some distant half-remembered dream. Really, it was just what he wanted to say out loud to the world. To hell with Scout and Sean, he loved Bella, to hell with them both. A second passed, then another, and he was frozen to the ground as his brain desperately reeled, trying to figure out if he had spoken out loud. It was Scout who said it, wasn�t it? When he stood silent and his mind spun out of control? It was as if they were the same person trapped in two different bodies, speaking the same words, thinking the same thoughts. He grappled with this sudden dizziness and strange incoherence that refused to leave him alone. The sunlight that poured in from the windows seemed to glare brighter, bleaching the colours around him, leaving him weak and powerless, drawing the world away from him until he could reach nothing beyond his own anguish, this prison of his own conscience.

"Will?" Scout asked, and when the other boy didn�t respond, waved his hand. "Earth to Will."

Will closed his eyes and opened them again, trying to make the room stay in focus while at the same time looking as though he wasn�t having some sort of breakdown. "Yeah," he smiled weakly. "I'm still here."

"Hey, don't space out on me, man," Scout laughed. "I'm, like, declaring my love to the world and you just stand there. Give me some credit, you know?"

Will could only chuckle feebly. "So," he said.

"I love her," Scout repeated, serious again. "Really, I do. I've asked myself the same question before, you know, if I was just stuck in the past and if I was just clinging to what happened back in Summer Session..." He shook his head thoughtfully, "But no, it�s not like that at all. I look at her now and I see her as she is now, and she�s everything I could ever want, Will. She�s The One."

Will had to turn away then, biting down on his lower lip to stop it from trembling. It was what he wanted to hear, right? It was the result he wanted: to sever himself from his untimely emotions with all-consuming guilt. It certainly seemed to be working, because it seemed to be more than what he could bear.

I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love is
I look around these days and I'm not so sure
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again

***
The diner

"Sarah Michelle Gellar or Jennifer Love Hewitt?" asked Scout in another round of their usual game. It was nearly time to close up shop, and he and Will were wiping down the counters with an extra burst of speed, eager to get back to school and into bed, since they were required to get up early for camp the next day.

"Um," Will said contemplatively, "I gotta go with Sarah, man. I'm sort of a closet Buffy fan."

"I'm shocked!" Scout pretended to fall over. "Don�t tell me you�re one of those guys who actually watch the soppy WB teen dramas."

"Hey, Buffy�s good," Will laughed. "Don�t knock it until you�ve tried it."

"Yeah, man, whatever," Scout chuckled. "I won�t tell anyone."

"Won't tell anyone what?" Bella's voice rang out from behind them.

"Bella!" Scout exclaimed, a smile breaking over his face as he turned around, hastily wiping his hands on his apron. "How have you been?"

"Not bad," she said. Motioning for Will to follow her, she smiled apologetically at Scout, "Sorry, I just kinda have to talk to Will for a minute."

Scout's face fell. Will cast a confused look over his shoulder as he followed Bella to the corner booth. "What�s up?" he asked.

She didn't respond until they sat down. Scout continued to clean up with a dejected look on his face, peeking over now and again curiously, though he was well out of earshot.

"Um," Bella began, toying with her hair, which was plaited into two braids this evening. "Will..."

"I'm sorry," he interrupted. "Bella, I don't know how to make this up to you, I know I was way out of line and I shouldn't have meddled, I'm so sorry..."

"Will," she smiled, placing a hand on his arm, "stop, please."

He jumped as though stung, jerking his arm away from her reach. �What?" she asked, taken aback.

"Um," he avoided her eyes. "Nothing. Static shock."

"I didn�t feel anything," she said, confused.

"Um, yeah," he muttered, still not meeting her gaze. "It happens sometimes."

"Okay," she said dubiously. "Well, anyway, what I wanted to say was I didn't come here to hear you apologise."

"Oh," he said, quickly glancing up at her before he looked away again. "Um... so..."

"I was mad at you for doing what you did," she began. "And when you wouldn't tell me why, it kinda made it worse. But," she shrugged. "I know you. And I know that you must have a good reason if you're not telling me, so..."

"Um," he said again. "Yeah. Something like that, I guess."

"I know you�ve sort of been avoiding me lately," she said. "And I don�t want that, you know? I don�t want this weird thing between me and Scout and Sean to affect our friendship."

Somehow that brought a wry smile to his lips. "Yeah," he said, his tone slightly amused. "Yeah, we really don�t want that."

"I guess I�m just saying I trust you," she continued. "You're my oldest friend, whatever you do, I'll trust that you have a good reason for it."

He smiled gratefully, looking up again. "Thanks, Bella. I appreciate it."

She grinned, brushing a loose strand of hair off her face, tilting her head so that her lashes cast feathery shadows over her cheek. He didn�t mean to stare, but for a moment she looked so beautiful the sight seemed to strike him dumb, and all he could do was sit there, his gaze locking with hers.

She looked back at him, still smiling, but then something changed subtly, as though there were some sort of chemical reaction taking place in the air between them, effervescent, fleeting, catching them in a void. Time faded away and so did the booth they were sitting in, the diner, the town. He looked at her and she looked back, and they could see the confusion in each other�s eyes, but also something deeper. Something that couldn�t be described as easily.

Bella blinked suddenly, snapping out of the brief lapse. A second later, startled, Will did the same.

"Well, um," she muttered, standing up, a small blush creeping up her cheek. "I guess I'll, you know, um, see you later?"

"Uh, yeah..." he stuttered, watching her walk quickly out the door. "Yeah. See ya."

Part Three

Rawley Boys' Academy

Out on the quad, a bunch of sophomores yawned as they drowsily dragged their luggage onto the waiting bus, shivering against the morning cold. As she settled into her bus seat, Jake leaned her head on Hamilton's shoulder and tried to go back to sleep.

"Aww, look at the pansies," Ryder cooed as he knelt on his seat and peered over the back of it. "What a sweet picture you two make."

Jake smirked at him and rolled her eyes, but knew better than to speak back and get into some pointless verbal sparring. Hamilton smiled down at her through half-closed lids, obviously thinking along the same lines and ignoring Ryder altogether.

"Just leave them alone," Scout growled from the seat across the aisle, where he was sitting with Will.

"These taunts are getting so old," Will added, "Everyone knows they're out already, so give it a rest."

"Whatever," Ryder smiled unpleasantly and sat back in his seat, closing his eyes with a haughty grin still hanging on his lips.

"Everyone on board?" Finn asked, walking to the head of the bus and looking down the aisle at the boys, who looked back at him with bleary eyes. "I know overnight isn't long," he said, "but this trip has traditionally brought a lot of our new entrants together, made friendships that would last a lifetime. You know, from all my years of teaching here, and judging from the number of old students still keeping in touch with us, it seems to me that, if you've been a Rawley guy for a day, you're a Rawley guy for life." He looked pointedly at Will, who smiled.

"Anyway," Finn continued, "I know a lot of you already know each other from Summer Session, but there are quite a few new students who have just enrolled, and I suggest you make an effort to get to know them on this trip." Looking around the sleepy faces, he smiled encouragingly. "You come to Rawley to learn, but more importantly, to grow. Growing is as difficult as you make it out to be, and you will hopefully find, on this trip, some people who will share this experience with you."

Ryder stifled a snigger at the teacher�s motivating speech, opening his eyes a crack and glancing around at the faces around him. Some of the kids, Will and Scout included, were listening with avid interest, looking as though they were taking every word to heart. Shaking his head with no small amount of amusement, he closed his eyes again, ruefully fingering the packet of cigarettes in his coat pocket.

***
Edmund High

Bella tapped her pencil on her desk and tried to catch Sean's eye across the room, but he was carefully not looking at her. She frowned, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. They had sat together and have been lab partners in chemistry since the start of term, but these few days he kept coming into class late and selecting elsewhere to sit. She didn�t think there was any explanation other than the obvious: he was trying to avoid her.

"Okay, that's all the instructions you need for today's experiment," the chemistry teacher said without enthusiasm. "Find a lab partner and start when you're ready. Finish the lab reports for homework tonight."

Bella got up and began to walk across to Sean, clearly seeing him glance in her direction and grab Katrina Wells, a classmate, the two of them going off to a lab bench before Bella had even made it across the room.

"Fine," Bella muttered, stopping in her tracks and scanning the room for another lab partner. Out of her peripheral vision she saw him peek at her quickly, ducking his head and whispering something to Katrina before they both burst out laughing. She thought that he laughed extra loudly. With a small roll of the eyes, she sighed and turned away.

After class she caught up with him as everyone flooded out of the classroom. "Sean!" she called, running after him.

He turned with a scowl. "What?"

She shrank back at the impatient look on his face. "Um... is anything wrong? I mean... you've always been my lab partner..."

"So what?" he retorted. "I can't even work with other people for a change now?"

"No, that�s not what I�m saying," she muttered. "I just wondered..."

"You know, I'm kinda in a hurry," he said abruptly, stepping away from her. "I'll catch you later."

"Sean..." she sighed in exasperation, reaching out, but he was already swallowed up in the crowd.

***
Campsite

"Well, that was bracing," Hamilton looked around the small clearing in the woods. The bus had dumped its load of boys and promptly disappeared, leaving the class and Finn alone in a secluded patch of forest about two hours' drive from Rawley, busy setting up their campsite.

Jake nodded with a slight smile, stretching with a groan of relief. Sitting in a cramped bus with a bunch of unwashed boys for two whole hours wasn�t exactly the best way to greet the day. She shook out the tent that they were going to share for the night, "Do you know what we're supposed to be doing after this?"

"The five-hour hike, from the horror stories of previous sophomores," he groaned as he drove in some tent pins. "Finn said that it's going to be 'short'. Don't believe him."

"Great," she sighed. "Perfect."

"Well," he ducked inside the tent, "At least we get first class accommodation in the middle of nowhere."

She grinned and unzipped her bag. "Come on, we've got to change into proper walking shoes. These ones," she held up a foot clad in hiking boots, "are brand new, and I really don't want blisters in the middle of a five-hour hike through the hills."

"I'll carry you," he offered with a smile.

"That�s pretty appealing," she grinned back, taking her old sneakers out and tossing him his own bag. "I�m gonna hold you to it. You know, as my contingency plan."

"Good idea," he chuckled, catching the bag. "God," he muttered as he unzipped the backpack, "can I just say how much I�m not looking forward to..."

She looked up as he trailed off. "What?" she asked, and saw that he was staring at something inside his bag. "What is it?" she asked again, walking closer. Together they stared down into the bag.

It was a note. A plain sheet torn out of a school notebook, serrated edges, white with blue lines.

We don't want homos here. Get lost if you know what's good for you.

***
Edmund High

The bell sounded, signalling the end of the school day, and students began to flood out of the worn brick building. Bella waved goodbye to her friends as she headed out the gate, and when she looked up, she saw Sean right in front of her, walking away quickly. "Sean!" she called, yet he kept on walking, pretending not to hear. She set her jaw and ran after him.

"What is your problem?" she demanded as planted herself in front of him, forcing him to stop.

"Hey Bella," he said, folding his arms across his chest when it was clear that he couldn�t get away. "What are you talkin' about?"

"You've been avoiding me all day," she said matter-of-factly. "In our classes together, at lunch, and now you�re leaving school without me. What's going on?"

"I�m not avoiding you," he muttered, looking away. "I'm just busy today."

"Sean," she sighed impatiently. "This is not the time to do the 'I don't know what you're on about' routine."

He walked around her, beginning to stride toward the centre of town, and she quickened her steps to match his. "Bella," he said, "nothing's going on. What do you want me to tell you?"

"For a start you can tell me why you were flirting with Katrina Wells in chemistry today," she said. "What were you trying to do, make me jealous?"

"God, Bella, just get over yourself!" he suddenly whirled upon her, his eyes blazing. "You don�t rule my life, you have no right to tell me who to hang out with, and the universe doesn't revolve around you! Why would I be trying to make you jealous?"

She recoiled, stung. "Sean, I didn�t mean... I mean I just wanted to know..."

"Know what?" he demanded. "If I'm still after you, doing the competing thing with Scout? You were the one who told us to back off, so that's what I'm doing, okay?" He caught the expression on her face and groaned. "God, don't try to pull the guilt thing on me. Look, you get to take your time to think, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Just sit there until you come to a decision?"

Bella pressed a hand to her lips, trying to hold in the tears that prickled behind her eyes. Sean had never been this harsh to her before, and it scared her as much as anything else. "I don�t... I don�t know," she choked out, turning away from him.

The look in his eyes softened, just a little. "Bella, I'm sorry," he said awkwardly, patting her on the shoulder. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I had a lot to deal with too, you know... I..." He turned away, frustrated. "I'm still here if you do make a decision, it's just... you shouldn't expect me to put my life on hold until then, right? Look, um... we'll talk later, okay?" He shrugged, backing away. "I just... I think we both need to cool off, you know..."

"Yeah," she whispered, gulping back a sob, "yeah, sure..."

"Um, yeah," he said uneasily as he walked away, "anyway, we�ll talk later..."

She stood on the street, watching him leave, finally losing the battle to hold back her tears. Despair twisted up in her stomach, mingled with embarrassment and anger and hurt until everything consumed her in one indistinguishable wave. Was it so wrong, not being able to choose between two great guys?

***
Campsite

"I can't believe this," Finn fumed, looking at the note in his hand. "I can't believe anyone from Rawley would write such a thing. This is a disgrace to the school."

Hamilton looked at Jake. She was silent, staring down at her feet, her hands stuck deep into her pockets.

"Don't worry, this is probably an empty threat," Finn consoled them. "You know these guys, they�re all talk. I�m not trying to trivialise this - it�s just I don�t want you two to feel more threatened than you already do. I�m going to inform the Dean and we will investigate this fully when we get back." He paused, and looked over at the other boys thoughtfully. "However, even though I don�t think they�re going to follow up on the threat, I do think it's best to be on your guard. I suggest that you two keep close to me on the hike, be careful not to stray away."

Hamilton and Jake both nodded mutely. Finn gave them a sympathetic look and patted Jake on the shoulder. "I�ll speak to the others when we get back," he said, heading toward the main group of boys. "Come on."

"You all right, baby?" Hamilton asked Jake softly. "I'm sure if we asked, he'll let us stay here."

"No," she shook her head. �I'll feel safer with people around. With Finn around. Let's just go and not attract more attention."

"Okay," he agreed readily. They glanced at the fifty or so guys chattering around them, ready to set out on the hike, and Jake felt a stab of cold fear. It could have been anyone in this crowd who planted that note in Hamilton's bag, someone who hated the look of them, who hated what they represented enough to resort to threats of violence. Was this the real Rawley? The anger and bigotry simmering under a thin veneer of well-mannered prosperity? Suddenly, she found herself questioning why she ever came back.

Hamilton squeezed her hand tightly. "It's gonna be all right," he whispered.

"Yeah," she agreed, not believing her own words at all. "It will."

Part Four

The sun beat down on the trees, scattering patches of light on the boys who trekked through the remote hills, panting and clambering to keep up with Finn, who was leading the group and barely breaking a sweat.

"This... is torture..." Scout heaved as he focused on the task of placing one foot before the other. "I think I'm about to... die..." he gasped, taking a big drink from his water bottle.

Will wiped the sweat off his face. "We've been going... for hours," he panted. "We should... be back soon."

"Ow!" yelled Scout as he stumbled over something and fell face-first onto the dusty track.

Will bent down next to him, struggling to catch his breath. "You all right, man?"

"Yeah," answered Scout, twisting himself into a sitting position, "It�s my shoelace. Hold on..."

"Hurry man," Will said, looking at the guys walking ahead. "We�re pulling up the rear as it is."

Scout fumbled over the shoelace, "My hands are all sweaty," he complained.

Will rolled his eyes and reached over, only to discover that his slippery fingers were not fit for the job, either. The two pairs of hands took a while to co-operate and another while to tie up Scout�s shoelaces. "Come on," Scout groaned, tugging impatiently. With a crisp snapping sound, the lace came apart in his hands.

"Well done, Einstein," Will said sarcastically. "That solves the problem."

"Shut up," said Scout wearily, trying to tie the broken bit of shoelace back on.

"Everyone�s gone ahead," said Will, shielding his eyes as he looked ahead at the track. "Come on, we�ve gotta catch up."

"Just give me a second, okay?" Scout said crossly. "I�ve nearly got it."

***

"Thank god, I can see�the tents..." gasped Hamilton as he stumbled behind Finn, casting an exhausted glance over his shoulder.

Jake smiled feebly in return. She had long since given up trying to talk. A few moments later, they staggered out of the trees and into the campsite, promptly falling onto the soft grass. Finn looked at them in amusement, pushing his sweat-drenched hair out of his eyes. Pretty soon the other guys lurched from the track as well, all falling in a heap as soon as they got to the campground. For a solid half-hour no one uttered a single word, and the entire clearing was quiet, trying to return their breathing pattern to normal.

Behind the leafy cover of a cluster of trees, Ryder sat back against a particularly large pine, which concealed him from view. He smirked, taking a deep drag on his cigarette, peeking over his shoulder at his peers. He had the good sense to conceal himself in the forest straight after they started the hike, and judging from the states of the guys, he was glad that he did.

Jake was lying flat on the ground, looking up at the sky and the glaring sun. "Hamilton?" she said softly.

He turned toward her. "Yeah?"

"I'm scared," she whispered. "I'm scared that something's gonna happen. To you. To us."

"It won't," he said forcefully. "Finn's gonna keep a really close eye on us, remember? And as soon as we get back, you can be sure that my dad's going to call an all-out search for the guy who wrote the note. He's not gonna tolerate this. We're going to find the guy, handwriting comparison, whatever."

She still didn't look convinced. "Trust me," he whispered, reaching for her hand.

"Okay, all of us should be back," Finn said loudly to the group. �Yell out when I call your name. Abbott?"

"Yeah," a guy in the back called.

"Atkinson?"

"Here."

"Bryant?" There was no response. Finn tried again. "Kevin Bryant?"

"He's here, I think he's just gone to sleep," someone announced, causing a round of chuckles.

Finn grinned, "All right. Calhoun?"

Silence. Finn furrowed his brows. "Scout Calhoun?"

Everyone looked around, trying to find Scout's sleeping figure, but he was nowhere to be found. "Uh," Ryan Parker, one of the kids from Finn�s English lit class, spoke up hesitantly. "I think he had some trouble with his shoes a while back..."

"Did anyone wait for him?" Finn asked.

"I think Krudski did," someone else piped up.

"Will?" Finn called into the crowd, and again there was no response.

***

"Uh," Scout said hesitantly as he and Will stumbled down their path of choice. "What time is it?"

Will glanced at his wristwatch. "Five o'clock, and I know what you're thinking, and I totally agree."

"We're lost," sighed Scout. "So why are we still moving? Shouldn't we just stay put until they send someone?"

"I don't want to play on those chances," Will replied. "It can get pretty chilly out here at night, I was hoping that we could find a place to stay."

"Okay, reality check," Scout chuckled. "The deserted cabin in the woods thing doesn't happen that often. And you know what they say about lightning not striking the same place twice. Given what happened to us at the end of Summer Session..."

Will laughed. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Let's just stop."

They sat down, leaning against a tree, their shoulders touching. "So," Scout began, "we're lost in the middle of nowhere, we don't know how to get back to civilisation, and it's getting late."

"It's kinda strange, when you think about it," Will shrugged. "What are the chances of this happening to us twice in, like, two months?"

"Yeah, major d�j� vu," Scout grinned. "Remember last time? The first thing I saw when we found you guys was Jake in a dress. God, it scared the hell out of me."

Will had to laugh at the memory. "Yeah, I first saw her in her girl clothes when she was sitting in Bella's truck. I was just like: and I thought I had some serious issues."

Scout chuckled. "You wonder how we could have missed it, though. God, were we blind, or what?"

"Yeah," Will agreed. "It's kinda amazing that no one else had picked up on it."

"Bella did," Scout said slowly. "Straight away, apparently."

"Maybe it's a girl thing," Will replied.

Scout shook his head with a smile. "Remember Lena? She was pretty keen on Jake."

Will laughed. "I forgot about that."

"Bella's just special," Scout said, his voice taking on a dreamy undertone. "That girl... there�s definitely something amazing going on with her."

Will swallowed, looking away into the distance. "Yeah..."

***
Rawley Boys' Academy, dorms

Bella ran down the halls of the dorms, too agitated and upset to wonder why she encountered no one at all on her way in. She dashed straight to the room that Will and Scout shared, knocking urgently on the door. Without waiting for an answer she pushed it open, "Will?"

There was no one inside. Sighing, Bella slumped down on the bed closest to the door. Sean�s words earlier in the afternoon had really taken their toll on her, and instead of sitting glumly at home she thought she�d come and find some sort of consolation in Will, who was so good at this kind of thing.

But he was not here. Looking around, she grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from one of the desks.

Will, she wrote, I need to talk to you. Drop by the garage sometime, okay? Love, Bella.

Surveying the room, she decided to tape the note onto the mirror on the dresser. "Will, where are you?" she groaned, looking down to see a computer printout on the dresser titled Camp Gear List.

"Camp?" she wondered aloud, before it suddenly dawned on her why the halls where so quiet for once. Pretty much everyone in the sophomore class was gone. "Great," she sighed again. "This is just... great."

Turning to go, her elbow clipped a thick hardcover book on the dresser, sending it flying. She picked it up, smiling as she saw the title: The Sonnets of William Shakespeare.

"Light reading?" she said teasingly, before giving herself an embarrassed grin in the mirror: it certainly did not bode well for her sanity that she was having an imaginary conversation with Will. Leafing through the book, she felt a smile creep up as she saw the pages of notes crowding the margins, in Will�s tidy, slanted scrawl. Somehow that seemed such a him thing to do.

A photograph was marking a page, and as she turned to it, she realised it was the same one that she gave him a few weeks back, the one taken before he went to Rawley for the summer. She chuckled at the picture, her eyes travelling from their beaming faces to the poem it marked.

Her smile gradually disappeared as she scanned over the lines.

... Suffering my friend for my sake to approve her / If I lose thee, my loss is my love's gain / And losing her, my friend hath found that loss / Both find each other, and I lose both twain / And both for my sake lay on me this cross.

The last two lines read,

But here's the joy; my friend and I are one / Sweet flattery! Then she loves but me alone.

They were crossed out with heavy lines. Then the neat, slanted handwriting again, only two words.

If only.

***
Campsite

Finn tugged on his backpack and looked at the boys crowded around him. "I'm sorry to be doing this," he said gravely. "But this is truly the best option under the circumstances. We can't contact the ranger until tomorrow, but I don't want to leave Will and Scout in the hills overnight. Hopefully I can find them and bring them back before sunset. But if I don�t find them tonight, I may be gone until tomorrow morning, so I need to place my trust in you guys, that you'd be able to look after yourselves."

A round of muttered 'yeah's rang out, and he looked a little less anxious. "All right, take care," he said, walking a few steps and turning back again, his expression very serious. "I don't want any trouble when I'm gone, all right guys?"

The boys regarded him solemnly and he sighed. "All right. I'll come back as soon as I can."

The entire 10th grade population of Rawley Boys' Academy was silent as Finn set off on the track. For several minutes nothing could be heard save for the teacher�s rustling footsteps as he travelled into the dense forest, and the sound grew fainter and fainter until it disappeared altogether.

"Party!" someone yelled, and everyone sprung up, hardly able to believe their luck. Only one supervisor on this camping trip, and even he was gone. This was too good to be true.

In under half an hour the impromptu party was in full swing. A roaring fire was built in the centre of the site, and like on all camping trips, enough guys had sneaked in enough alcohol to share around so that everyone had enough to get tipsy. Responsible they were not, but hey, they were fifteen year old boys, what did Finn really expect of them? All that was lacking, of course, were girls. Rawley girls, who unfortunately were miles away having their own camping adventure in some other forested hills.

In usual times Jake would have found this situation amusing, a party out in the open with fifty guys and herself. She and Hamilton tried to push the note to the backs of their minds and to enjoy the party, but they gave up soon after. The mood was just not there. "I think I might just go to bed," Jake said after a while, looking around at the guys who were getting increasingly rowdy.

"Sounds like a good idea," Hamilton agreed. "I'll be right behind you."

She smiled at him and strayed away from the crowd, crawling into their tent and changing into her pyjamas, leaving her binder on underneath. She didn�t exactly trust the privacy of camping out in the open.

Hamilton headed into the trees, looking around before unzipping his fly. The problem with camping in the wilderness, he mused, was that there was no technology at all. The lack of heating and properly cooked food was one thing, but the lack of toilets was another matter. It was fine for the rest of the guys, but when it came to Jake?well, let�s just say he had to play lookout quite a few times on the hike.

He was heading back into the clearing, zipping himself up, when someone suddenly grabbed him from behind, clamping one hand over his mouth and the other pinning his arms behind his back. "I thought I made it clear," an unfamiliar voice growled in his ear, "that I don't want to see your queer little ass wandering around here any more."

Hamilton's eyes flew wide open, glittering with fear and anger. He could tell that the person behind him was at least half a foot taller than he was, and about twice as broad.

"I guess you'll be needing a lesson to drive the message home," the voice continued, before throwing him head-on into a nearby tree. Hamilton's nose hit the trunk forcefully and he groaned, feeling a warm gush of blood run down his lips. Before he could recover, the guy rammed a foot into his back. He cried out in pain, and tried to dodge the next blow. The guy's fist came at him, and he managed to tilt his head just enough so that half his face did not get flattened. In a feeble attempt to retaliate he swung in the general direction of the voice, which missed completely.

"God, I get to Rawley, and the first thing I hear, the Dean's son is a fucking faggot," the guy snarled. "It makes me sick, you fucking homos!" With that, he swung again, this time catching Hamilton squarely on the cheekbone. Through the gold and black stars bursting in front of his eyes Hamilton tried to see the other guy�s face, but the sun had completely set, and the fire out in the clearing was lending nothing to him but flickering shadows.

Not far away, on the edge of the clearing, Ryder chugged on a bottle of vodka and smirked at the party going on by the bonfire. He joined in the festivities when he wanted to, but today he was feeling strangely isolated, preferring to keep his own company rather than bond with these losers. Jake and Hamilton were nowhere in sight, and the rest of the class was really nowhere near interesting enough to bother with.

He sat up a little straighter when he heard muffled sounds coming from the woods near him. Stealthily creeping closer to the sound, he disappeared into the woods, keeping himself well-concealed.

Two figures were illuminated against the night. From the groans of pain he recognised the victim as Hamilton. The other guy remained a mystery. Tilting his head, trying to make out the features of the attacker in the dark, he was at a complete loss.

Taking another swig, he idly watched the scene and rolled his eyes when he heard Hamilton moan pitifully again. He wasn�t exactly prone to being a good Samaritan, but god knew what state the Dean�s son might end up in if he�d let this go on. Clearing his throat loudly, he leaned back against the trunk of a particularly large tree, hearing the sounds of struggling immediately cease. Peering around the tree, he could just see the shape of the intruder quickly stepping away from Hamilton, lost into the darkness beyond. A moment later, Hamilton staggered out into the campsite, one hand over his bleeding nose and the other clutching his side. A commotion erupted out in the clearing at the sight of him.

A few moments later, Ryder saw a shadow wander out of the trees, melting quickly into the crowd.

"Ah, our mystery homophobe," he chuckled, taking another swig from the bottle in hand. "Very interesting. Very interesting indeed..."

Part Five

The dark had settled over the trees in a startlingly quick way, and the temperature had dropped significantly. Will and Scout had put on all the pieces of clothing they could find in their backpacks, which was not a lot, and sat with their backs against a tree, shivering. "I think we'll have to huddle together to keep warm," suggested Will, not looking too pleased with the idea.

Scout looked at him and sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right. Dude," he chuckled. "What I wouldn�t give for you to be Bella right now."

Will smiled weakly, and Scout crawled closer, reaching out for an awkward huddle. "This feels really weird," he muttered.

"Tell me about it," Will replied dryly as he tried to settle into a more comfortable position, nudging Scout�s legs out of the way. There was a moment of silence as they jostled against each other for space.

"I need a distraction," Scout stated flatly. "This isn�t exactly a memory I want burned into my mind." His arms were wound around Will's neck and their legs have gotten tangled up, and what pissed him off most of all was that he had to put his head on Will's chest, because his neck couldn't be angled any other way. He felt humiliatingly like a girl. "So... uh... how's Caroline?"

"I didn't tell you?" Will sounded surprised. "We broke up."

"Since when?" Scout demanded, startled.

"As soon as we got back from summer vacation," Will sounded amazed. "God, I really forgot to tell you?"

"Yeah, I thought you guys are still going strong," Scout said. "Sorry, man."

"Nah, don't be," Will shrugged. "I didn't care that much by the end. It's strange," his voice was pensive. "I was so desperate to date her in the summer, but when I came back, it was just like... where did all the feelings go? It was like I just deflated."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Will echoed. "I think... I think she just came along at a time when I kinda needed to be in love, you know?"

"I get that," Scout was silent for a while. Then he smiled, "So... is there, like, a new chick in the picture?"

Will tensed. "No," he replied quickly, an image of blonde hair and a radiant grin flickering behind his eyes.

"Ha! I know you're lying," grinned Scout. "You went rigid all of a sudden, I felt it." He made a face as he looked down at their tangled bodies, "Oh god, now I have to think about what we're doing again. Anyway, who's the girl?"

"I told you, no one," Will said, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Dude," Scout wheedled, "I tell you everything about what's happening with me and Bella, don't you think you should keep me up to date with what�s going on with you?"

Will was silent. "It�s... complicated," he finally said.

"So what else is new?"

"I can't... I can't tell you," Will said, and quickly added, wanting to kick himself. "I mean, tell anyone."

"Why?" Scout's interest was piqued. "What's going on, Will?"

"Nothing. I've said too much already," Will sighed and closed his eyes. "I'm going to go to sleep."

"No, no, you're not," Scout demanded. "You were going to tell me something. Just spit it out, man! Who is it?"

Scout couldn't see, Will suddenly realised with a pang. Even though it should have been obvious that Will would only be wary of speaking one name, Scout still would not realise it, even if it was the most logical name of them all. To him, Will and Bella were parallel lines, running smoothly alongside each other but never meeting, never crossing. Little did he know that emotions could twist around the geometrical logistics of what once was; that boundaries were changing and shifting, perhaps beyond recognition.

Will clenched his jaw, swallowing a wave of bitterness that surged in his throat. It was eating him up from the inside, this conflict, this hidden black love. And with a wave of horror he realised that he was slipping. He wanted to yell it out to all the world, and the half of him that had told him to conceal it, to hold it back, was losing.

"Scout, I've got to tell you something," he blurted out before he could help himself. A cold sweat broke over him, as the logical part of him struggled to keep his mouth shut and found that it could not. The words were trembling on his tongue and he could do nothing to hold them back. Despite everything he could feel a part of him that was relieved at this, and it was what kept him talking.

"I know I�d wear you down," Scout grinned. "What is it?"

Will didn�t answer, trying futilely to suppress a violent tremble.

"Will?" Scout sat up straighter as he felt the other boy shaking. "What�s going on?"

Will squeezed his eyes shut, not daring to look at the other boy as he said it.

"Scout, I'm in love with..."

"There you are!" A voice rang out at the same time as a bright beam of torch light shone in their faces. Bella�s name choked somewhere in the region of Will�s throat, and he fell back against the tree, exhausted as though he�d just run a marathon.

Scout, on the other hand, leaned forward and squinted into the light. "Finn?" he called uncertainly. "Is that you?"

The beam of light lowered as Finn parted the trees and rushed towards them. "Are you two all right?"

***
Campsite

Jake peeked out of her tent as a wild commotion broke out in the clearing. "What�s going on?" she yelled to a guy running past.

"Someone got beaten up," came the reply as the guy ran toward the group of boys huddled near the edge of the clearing.

Jake's eyes widened, and she dragged herself out of the tent, dashing toward the group. As she got closer she could hear people shouting, "We need ice! Who's got the cooler box?"

And then, to her horror, she heard a familiar voice mumble, "Look, it's no big deal, don't make too much of a fuss, all right?"

"Hamilton?" she demanded, pushing through to the centre of the circle, fighting back a gasp when he came into her field of vision. "Oh my god..."

He was holding a dishtowel over his nose, which was bleeding profusely; on top of that he had a massive black eye and a cut lip that had swollen to alarming proportions. When he saw her aghast expression he tried to smile, an effort that was hindered by his injuries. "It's not as bad as it looks..."

"Oh my god," she muttered again, looking wildly around at the boys crowding around them. She turned back. "Do you want to go back to our tent?"

"Yeah. I'm starting to feel like goldfish in a glass bowl," he said thickly, beginning to stagger across the clearing.

Jake caught an ice pack that someone tossed over. "Thanks, I'll clean him up."

"I think I know where Finn's first-aid kit is," Ryan offered. "Do you want me to get it?"

"Yeah," Jake took another look at Hamilton, who was wearily climbing inside the tent. "Thanks, Ryan."

"No problem," he said, running toward Finn's tent. Jake set off after Hamilton, leaving behind her a riot of angry, speculating voices. Crawling into the tent, she fought another grimace at the sight of her battered boyfriend. "Oh my god, what happened?" she asked as she handed him the ice pack.

He took it and pressed the bag to his eye. "Someone tried to beat me up," he said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, and it looks like they've done a decent job!" she exclaimed. "Who was it?"

"I dunno," he mumbled, "It was too dark. I couldn't see anything." He paused, and peered at her with his good eye. The sight was pathetic. "He was the guy who wrote the note," he confessed quietly.

"I knew it!" she jumped up, hitting her head on the top of the tent. "Oh god, what are we gonna do?"

"I don't know," he said heavily, bowing his head.

"Hey guys," Ryan called from outside the tent. "I've got the first-aid kit and some water."

Jake poked her head out. "Thanks, man," she said gratefully, grabbing the box that he was holding and a jug of water.

"If you need help," Ryan smiled sympathetically, "just call out, all right?"

Jake nodded and went back inside the tent. Her jaw was set as she rinsed some cloth in the cool water and used it to wipe the blood off Hamilton's face. He shrank back a little when she touched his cut lip. "It stings."

She put down the cloth with a sigh. "I can't do it any more, Hamilton."

"Okay, I'll do it myself." He picked up the piece of cloth, touching his lip gingerly.

"No, I don't mean that. I mean... all of this," she gestured at herself. "I'm coming clean."

He was so startled he dropped his ice pack. "What?"

She looked at his black eye, her bottom lip quivering. "I can't put you in danger like this."

"But..." he stuttered, lost for words.

"It was okay before," she muttered, looking down at her hands. "I could deal with the jokes and stuff, but it's getting violent, and I can't handle that. I can't handle it if something goes wrong again. It's a black eye this time, but what about next time?"

"It won't happen again!" he exclaimed, grimacing as he stretched his cut lip. "We're gonna find out who it is, and he's gonna get expelled..."

"It's not just this one guy," she replied softly. "There are so many guys like him around campus, you'll never be able to get them all." She reached out to touch his cheek, gingerly avoiding a bruise that was showing up an angry purple on his cheekbone. "I'm worried about you."

"Maybe you're right," he admitted. "I'm worried about you too. God, I'm just glad that it was me who was..." he swallowed, blinking, "If you were attacked, I'd never forgive myself."

She lowered her head, sniffling quietly.

"Come here, baby," he sighed, holding out his arms. She crawled into them, curling up in his embrace.

"I... I'll tell Finn as soon as he comes back," she choked out, trying to hold back her sobs.

He held her wordlessly, not quite believing that everything that they had tried so hard to conceal for the past months would be gone in just a moment.

"It's not safe anymore," she whispered. "We don't know what might happen..."

"God," he moaned, clutching her to him. "I can't bear to think that I might put you in danger, but I can't give this up. I want you here, Jake, with me."

"I'll go to Rawley Girls'," she said quietly, still sniffling. "If they'll take me."

*Tara Morice's 'Time after Time' plays*

"What if they don't let you?" he asked, "I know my dad. He�s not the type to forgive and forget a thing like this. If you can�t get into Rawley, what's gonna happen then? God," he sighed. "I feel so selfish. Rawley's not safe for you and all I can think about is how I can't let you go."

"I don't want to leave you," she whispered. "I don't want to leave Rawley. It's been the closest thing to home for me in ten years, and I don't want to go. I'm even willing to take a chance on what might happen to me, but I'm scared of what's going to happen to you if I don't leave..."

"I never meant for this to happen when I suggested we 'come out', Jake," he said, stroking her hair, swallowing the lump in his throat. "If I had known..."

"Coming out was good," she said quietly. "I don't regret it."

"But this is it? You'll be leaving?" he asked, turning away so that she would not see him cry.

She nodded slowly, face buried in his chest, and he could feel where her tears had soaked through his shirt.

Sometimes you'll picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear what you say
And you say, go slow, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

***

If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time

Bella stared at her reflection and her reflection stared back.

She was still sitting in Will's room. It was late, and she knew should be getting home, but she remained sitting there, watching the light outside slowly fade.

The photograph was still sitting on the dresser, together with the open book of sonnets.

If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time

***
Woods

Will awoke with a start, shielding his eyes against the morning sunlight. For a moment he could not remember where he was, then he saw Scout sleeping peacefully next to him on the leaf-strewn ground, and images from the previous day came rushing back to meet him. It was too late when Finn had found them, so they stayed put for the night. Luckily, Finn had brought along a lot of extra clothing, so that he and Scout weren't subjected to more manly cuddling through the night.

He chuckled wryly to himself and stood up, stretching out his stiff muscles. Seeing Finn sitting on a fallen tree trunk not far away, he wandered over, "Morning."

Finn turned and offered him a plastic mug filled with coffee, "I brought a thermos of this stuff in my pack," he said with a smile. "It's still warm."

Will took the cup gratefully. Finn smiled at him. "Did you sleep well?"

"As well as possible under the circumstances," Will grinned, indicating the hard forest ground.

Finn nodded. "Takes a while to get used to."

"Well, hopefully I don�t need to get used to it," Will replied, smiling. "One night is enough for me, I�ll take beds over this any day."

"Fair enough," Finn chuckled, and for a few moments they sipped their coffee in silence.

"Who's Bella?" Finn suddenly asked.

Will dropped his mug, splashing coffee over their shoes. "Oh, sorry!" He exclaimed, scrambling to his feet.

"It's okay." Finn shrugged. "Do you want some more?" he held up the thermos.

Will shook his head, sitting back down. "How..." he cast a quick glance over his shoulder at the still sleeping Scout. "How did you know about Bella?"

"Both of you were talking in your sleep," Finn put the thermos back in his pack. "And both of you were muttering about a girl named Bella. A man�s got to wonder."

Will checked on Scout again before he turned back to the teacher, lowering his voice. "Finn, please don't bring this up in front of Scout. He can�t know."

"All right," Finn nodded, looking only mildly curious. "Can I ask why?"

Will hesitated. "Can you keep a secret?"

Finn just looked at him.

"Yeah, of course," Will smiled, a little embarrassed. "You're Finn."

Finn grinned, "It's good to know you think so highly of me, Mr. Krudski."

"I just need to tell someone so badly," Will said, his voice trailing to a whisper. "It's killing me."

Finn nodded, not saying anything.

"Bella Banks," Will began hesitantly, "is my oldest friend. She once thought that she was Scout's sister, and was - maybe still is - my other best friend's girlfriend."

Part Six

Campsite

The low rumble of a motor startled the sophomore boys awake. The party the night before had lasted well into the early hours of the morning, and most of them were pretty groggy as they lifted their heads, looking around in disorientation. The majority of the tents were left unused as almost everyone decided to fall asleep by the campfire, which had burned itself down to a few embers.

"Hey! The bus is here!" someone called out.

"Hey! Finn�s back!" someone else shouted as they spotted three haggard figures trekking through the dense foliage and into the clearing.

"Hey guys," exclaimed Scout and Will, smiling from ear to ear and evidently very glad to be back among people.

"Oh my God! Hamilton?" Finn yelled, dropping his backpack as he sprinted across the clearing, reaching a battered Hamilton and glum-looking Jake in record time.

"Ohh, hangover..." someone else muttered, and was immediately shushed by Ryan, who was dashing around with a plastic bag picking up empty beer cans, trying to escape Finn�s notice.

Not that Finn would have noticed much else at that moment, as he checked Hamilton over and pulled him to one side, bombarding him with questions. His face was drawn and furious, as though he was about to throttle someone. It looked like it was taking a lot of effort for him to keep his voice down.

"It was the guy who wrote the note," Hamilton said quietly, beckoning Jake over and feeling as though he was being torn to shreds from the inside. Glancing at her, he tried to discern some sort of emotion in her eyes, some sort of anguish; but all he could see was an unearthly calm, as though she had too much to bear that she simply blanked it out.

"I can�t believe it!" Finn fumed. "Hamilton, I�m so sorry, I really shouldn�t have left you two here. As soon as we get back you can be sure that a proper investigation will be carried out." He looked at them carefully, "Is there anything else you�d like to tell me? Don�t be too embarrassed to conceal anything. We have to make sure this person gets the punishment he deserves."

Jake glanced at Hamilton and licked her dry lips. "Finn, can I talk to you?" she said in a half-whisper. "Like, now? I want to get this over and done with before we get back."

"Jake," he turned to her, scanning her face anxiously. "You weren�t hurt, were you?"

"I�m all right," she murmured, taking a deep breath. "Um, it�s just..."

Hamilton stared at her, biting down painfully on his lip. Their future seemed so bleak at that moment, so uncertain, so devoid of hope. Where was she to go? What was to become of them?

Jake could feel her heart pounding violently against her ribs, her hands slick with cold sweat. She stared at Finn, her lower lip trembling.

"Finn, I am..."

Hamilton took her hand. Warm fingertips touched her cold ones, interlocking, giving strength. His eyes were fastened on hers. She could see so much pain in them, and she could almost feel every fibre in his being resisting what was to come. But he was silent and he waited for her to speak, clamping his jaw shut, determined not to interfere with her decision, with her choice to go. Even though his gaze betrayed the fact that he was really burning up inside, even though he looked as if he was slowly being suffocated, he was silent, offering only his hand, and his love.

She had never loved him as much as she did then.

"... so scared," she finished her sentence, then repeated it. "I�m so scared, Finn."

Hamilton just looked at her, stunned into submission.

"I�m so sorry to have put you two through this ordeal," Finn nodded gravely. "Come on, let�s get on the bus and we�ll have a long talk with the Dean when we get back."

Jake looked at Hamilton and gave him a tiny little smile. It was worried and it was wistful and it had tinges of doubt and it was not without regret, but it was a smile, all the same.

***
Rawley Boys' Academy

Ryder hopped off the bus, toting his overnight bag on his shoulder. Smiling crookedly, he followed everyone else into the dorms. The chattering crowd dispersed into their various rooms, and he was careful to keep following the figure that he had kept an eye on, until they came to a stop at the threshold of one of the dorm rooms, alone at last.

"Kevin Bryant," he announced, leaning casually on the doorframe. "Well, well."

Kevin, a thickset boy with a permanent scowl, dropped his bags on his bed and frowned at him. "What do you want?"

Ryder stepped into the room, closing the door behind him with a click. "That depends," he drawled. "How much are your parents willing to pay for you not to be kicked out from Rawley?"

Kevin�s eyes darted quickly to the door. "What are you talking about?" he demanded nervously.

"Oh, I think you know very well what I�m talking about, m�boy," Ryder chuckled, pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket and sticking it in his mouth.

"What do you know?" Kevin asked, narrowing his eyes.

Ryder didn�t respond. Instead he took his time patting the outsides of his trousers pockets, looking up with a hopeful smirk, "Got a light?"

"Don�t screw with me, Forrest," Kevin strode over and grabbed him by the shirt collar, "What do you know?"

"Watch your manners," Ryder said, pulling a matchbook from his shirt and lighting his cigarette with studied nonchalance. He took a deep pull and blew the smoke in Kevin�s face. "I�m talking about you, our dear boy Hamilton, and the little display of violence that I saw in the woods last night."

Kevin turned his face away as the smoke stung his eyes into watering. "What did you see?" he spat out, but his words had lost their steeliness, the voice lacking the necessary texture of control.

Ryder smiled and looked down at Kevin�s hands, which were balled up into fists, clasping the expensive material of his shirt. Kevin looked down also, and immediately let go. He stepped back and said, his voice calmer, "You can�t prove anything."

"I beg to differ," Ryder said, inhaling another lungful of smoke before stubbing the remains of his cigarette out on Kevin�s desk. "All we need is for someone to whisper a little something in Finn�s ear... and the rest should take care of itself."

Kevin smiled, looking obviously relieved. "Come off it. You don�t have any real proof. Finn won�t listen to you."

"Oh, please," Ryder arched an eyebrow. "You beat up the Dean�s son. Even the smallest lead is going to be followed. I know you hate to admit it, but you�re screwed."

Kevin licked his dry lips, and a muscle in his jaw twitched as he stared at Ryder, fear flickering in his eyes like shadows passing in water.

"Expulsion from the prestigious Rawley Academy," Ryder said slowly, letting the syllables roll off his tongue. "How would your parents like that, Kev?"

Kevin looked up, hands in tight fists and eyes hard like glass. "You want money? I can give you money."

Ryder straightened his collar and took no hurry to answer. When he finally did, his voice was smooth as silk.

"Money is good, but that�s just the beginning."

***
The Gas Station

It was a cloudy day, the sun barely peeking out through the layers of light clouds that obscured the sky. Bella worked listlessly on her truck. It was pretty mangled when they towed it back from where she crashed it in the summer, but a few weeks of solid revamping, a new paint job and fender, plus touch-ups in a lot of places, meant that it was starting to look presentable again.

"Bella!"

She turned to see Will walking down the street toward her, looking anxious. "I saw your note," he said as he came closer. "You wanted to talk to me?"

For a moment she stared at him, wondering why she never noticed before that his eyes were the exact shade of the dawn sky. "Uh," she stammered. "Yeah... yeah, I wanted to talk to you..."

"Well, what�s up?" he asked, concerned, as he sat down next to the gas pumps.

She realised that she was still staring at him and wrenched her gaze away, a blush crawling up her neck. "Um..."

She could see, out of the corner of her eye, Sean appearing from around the street bend. He was talking to Katrina, his lab partner from the day before. With a brief glance in the direction of the gas station, he turned back to Katrina and they walked into Friendly�s, animatedly chatting.

Will had his back to them and did not see, but Bella did. That was what she wanted to talk to Will about, wasn�t it? How Sean was blowing her off, how he was giving her the cold shoulder. But she couldn�t get the words out. Not to Will, not any more.

Not after last night.

"Um, no," she shook her head slowly. "I�m fine now. It�s sorted. Thanks for dropping by though."

He looked at her, bemused. "Are you sure?" he asked. "You know you can tell me anything."

She stole another glance at him. "No, I�m fine. Really."

The air was still but electric, and an uncomfortable silence followed. She lifted her lashes for just a fraction of a second, and in that moment heir eyes met, were held, calculating, analysing. Then she broke that gaze and looked down again, feeling something unfamiliar winding inside of her.

"All right," he finally said, standing up to go. "Bella..." he began hesitantly, turning around to look at her once more.

"Yeah?" she looked up, and felt her heart give an arrhythmic skip as their eyes met again. There was something strange in his gaze, pensive, almost bordering on painful. But when she looked again, it was gone, replaced by the blank tide of blue she had seen so often recently. There was an acidic taste in the back of her throat when she suddenly wondered why his eyes were so blank, these days. As though they were blinds or shutters, as though he was trying to hide something behind them...

*The Smashing Pumpkins' �Farewell and Goodnight' plays*

"If you change your mind," he gave her a tiny smile. "You know where to find me."

She nodded, a note of disappointment creeping into her voice. "Okay."

He nodded, and walked away. She remained leaning on the truck, and watched him go.

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself

*Will�s voiceover starts*

�We can�t change the way we love, and sometimes we don�t get a say in who we decide to fall in love with. It just happens. Sometimes falling in love calls for a price, a price that we can�t afford to pay.'

Sean looked out from the window of Friendly�s, absently talking to Katrina. From his reflection in the glass, it was obvious that he was seeking out Bella, and his expression was wistful. Scout, who was working, also looked thoughtfully out the window, his reflection pale and muted in the clear glass.

Not sensing either of the two gazes, Bella sighed and stood up, walking into the shop and closing the door.

Heart strung, is your heart frayed and empty
Cos it's hard luck, when no one understands your love
It's unsung, and I say
Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
Goodnight, always, to all that's pure in your heart

***
Jake and Hamilton�s room

Hamilton sat on his bed, and Jake curled up beside him, laying her head in his lap. His fingers were entangled in her hair, and they stared into space with similar hints of melancholy in their eyes.

"Why didn�t you tell him?" he whispered.

She took a while in answering. When she did, her tone was timid.

"It�s not just about us anymore, Hamilton."

He looked down at her, a slight frown playing about his swollen lip.

"It�s about everyone who�s ever had to hide from a fear that they don�t deserve," she continued. "It�s happening here to us, and it could happen to anyone. Some stupid jerks are screwing the world up for the rest of us, and I�m not just going to walk away from it." She closed her eyes briefly then opened them again, her expression resolved. "I�m an unusual case, I can walk away from this, but I choose not to. Because there�re going to be people who�d just have to live with being different, and I�m not going to walk out on them." She paused, staring up at him, "or walk out on you."

He nodded, tenderly tracing a finger over her delicate profile.

"Everything�s going to get better," she said quietly. "Because we�ll make it better."

He smiled gently. "We will."

***
Will and Scout�s room

Will walked into his room and, closing the door, he leaned back on it, wearily placing both hands over his face.

*Will�s voiceover continues*

�It�s not easy, loving a person. It puts a burden on us, a burden sometimes too heavy and too painful to bear. Every so often we realise too much is asked of us, that our love is demanding too much from us. Like I said, money can�t buy love, but this newfound tenderness does have a price. And sometimes, it costs us more than we can ever hope to pay.'

He walked to his dresser, picking up his book of sonnets. He leafed through it, looking for the familiar photograph, but it was nowhere in sight.

He looked up into the mirror, and his reflection looked back at him, confused and thoughtful.

The sun shines but I don't
A silver rain will wash away
The sun shines but I don�t
A silver rain will wash away
And you can tell, it's just as well
And you can tell, it�s just as well

***
Bella and Grace�s room

Bella looked at the photo that she held in her hands. For some reason, she had taken it from Will�s book of sonnets that night, and as she stared down at his smiling face, the carefree laugh, the guileless eyes, it occurred to her that she was just beginning to figure out why.

Her finger traced over Will�s face in the picture, and he grinned out at her.

Outside, a soft rain had begun to fall.

Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
Goodnight, always, to all that's pure that's in your heart

The End

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