AUTHOR: Nicky Chevalier
FEEDBACK: [email protected]
CATEGORY: PWP, Chellenge
PAIRING: Jack/Sam
SPOILERS: Very minor references to Prodigy and Divide & Conquer
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season four.
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: None that I can think of... does swearing in another language count?
SUMMARY: The SGC is hosting a xmas party for the Tokra... response to the Tigermoth Cartouche's xmas fanfic challenge.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Sam/Jack, Heliopolis, anywhere else just let me know.
DISCLAIMERS: Is there anyone out there who thinks these characters are mine?... Great, I can skip this part then, right? Okay, okay, they belong to MGM, Gekko, & Double Secret Productions. I don't have permission to write this, I'm just doing it anyway. Sue me if you like, the most you'll get is the $7.50 in my bank account. Oh and the calculations concerning Santa Claus aren't mine either, I stole them from: About.com : http://www-server.bcc.ac.uk/~zcapl61/santa.html
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The challenge was to write a shippy fanfic containing a blue ballpoint pen lodged in an unusual crevice; glitter; lipstick- the colour of which is 'blow-job red'; an exclamation in a language of your choice- preferably from Daniel; a warm fuzzy feeling; a debate about the existence of Santa Claus; and 'there is no spoon'. I threw in mistletoe, because you can't have a christmas fic without mistletoe, and an unconcious Anise, just because I hate her. };) Don't be expecting any plot here guys, this is my first challenge attempt and it was hard enough without having to worry about little things like plot and continuity. ;) Oh, and this goes out to Nicole of the Tigermoth Cartouche, for her encouragement, and because her site rocks!
***
Six bikini-clad girls in santa hats danced merrily across the screen to the tune of 'Jingle Bells', oblivious to the growing frustration of Colonel O'Neill as he muttered menacingly under his breath.
Daniel Jackson stood in the doorway to his friend's office, his brow furrowing as he took in first the typically cheesy screensaver, and then the sight of the Colonel hunched over his computer, trying irritatedly to yank something out of the floppy disk drive.
He cleared his throat. "Er... Jack? What are you doing?"
Jack gave a resigned sigh and sat down, revealing the cause of his annoyance to be a blue ballpoint pen. "I'm *trying* to get my pen back, what does it look like I'm doing?" He threw the offending object a resentful glare.
"If you don't mind my asking, how exactly did your pen come to be lodged in your floppy drive?" asked Daniel as he moved to help.
Jack shrugged. "I was using it to try and reach my key," he answered as if this were the most normal thing in the world.
Daniel stopped twisting the pen and peered into the drive. Sure enough, the copper key to Jack's desk drawer lay just out of reach. He threw a questioning look over his shoulder and tugged at the pen again, putting his weight into it. "And how did your key manage to end up-- Ow!" He was cut short as the pen suddenly came loose and he went flying over backwards, his head connecting with the filing cabinet on the way down. "Khueplet!" He swore in Russian, and Jack decided not to ask.
"Are you alright?" Jack helped the man off the floor. Daniel shook his head in an attempt to clear the double vision, handing over the pen as speakers all over the base crackled to life, warning of 'Incoming Travellers'.
"That'll be the Tokra," stated Daniel, gingerly rubbing the bruise on his head.
Jack groaned. "Who invited them anyway?"
"Jack, this party is *for* them." Daniel rolled his eyes in wry amusement.
"Oh. I didn't think the Tokra even celebrated Christmas." He followed Daniel out his office and they headed for the newly decorated gateroom.
"They don't. Apparently it's a study of Earth culture."
Jack's reply was cut short at the appearance of Teal'c, who was so covered in glitter that he looked rather like an oddly shaped christmas tree.
"Teal'c?!" Jack exclaimed in surprise. "What happened, Buddy? You look like you lost a fight with the Tooth Fairy."
Deciding not to ask for an explanation of the term 'Tooth Fairy', Teal'c motioned to an enormous glittering tree standing in the corner of the gateroom.
"I was helping to decorate the christmas tree." He said by way of explanation.
Jack and Daniel just nodded mutely, words escaping them as the large sparkling man turned away from them.
***
Sam and Janet stood off to the side of the room, surreptitiously shooting daggers at Anise as she draped herself first over Jack, then over Daniel.
A couple of drinks had made her seem even more annoying to Sam, and Janet was contemplating the use of a zat gun when the slightly intoxicated Tokra dipped her head again and became Freya. Turning back to Jack, she slipped an arm around his waist, oblivious to the uncomfortable 'help me' looks he was shooting Daniel.
Sam narrowed her eyes, her usual cool facade failing her after her third glass of champagne. Her father was off somewhere talking to Hammond, leaving her to revile his colleague in peace. "She could have at least worn some clothes." She spoke through clenched teeth.
Janet nodded, glad to join in the bitching. "And what is that shade of lipstick anyway, 'I'm-a-Skank scarlet', or 'Blow-job red'?
The Tokra, meanwhile, was oblivious to her adversaries as she accepted another glass of red wine. The cool liquid flowed down her throat as she thought again how to best corner Jack under the mistletoe. She didn't notice him making desperate motions for Sam to come over and join them.
"So Colonel O'Neill," she thought it best to keep him talking, lest he get away before she had a chance to get him alone. "Who is this Santa Claus? He is a significant part of your culture, is he not?"
Jack nodded politely, relieved to see Sam making her way towards them. Her red satin dress hugged her figure and accentuated her curves, the split in the skirt revealing a hint of long, shapely legs that--
"Colonel O'Neill?"
He realised he had yet to answer her question, and he reluctantly shook himself out of his reverie and turned again to face Freya.
"Well, Santa is sort of the symbol of Christmas," he explained. "He visits people all over the world--"
"Oh, then is he here?" she looked around, searching for Santa Claus, and Jack was relieved when Sam finally reached them.
"Actually, Santa is just a myth," Sam slid easily into the conversation, throwing Jack a 'you owe me' look. But Jack couldn't resist the chance to get into a debate with her, and he raised his eyebrows as if surprised that she would say such a thing.
"Well, he *could* be real..."
Sam turned to face him, giving him her classic 'you're nuts' look. He shrugged nonchalantly.
"I'm just sayin'..."
"Sir, I hate to be the one to break it to you," Sam laughed, "but there is definitely no Santa Claus."
"Prove it," he challenged.
"Well, for a start, Reindeer don't fly."
Jack looked indignant. "How do you know there isn't a whole species of flying reindeer out there that hasn't been discovered yet? Not so long ago you thought there was no such thing as an energy-based life form."
Sam hid her surprise and continued with her argument. "There are two billion children in the world--"
"But not *all* of them are visited by Santa," Jack broke in. "When you cut out Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Bhuddists, and all the kids that haven't been good this year..." His look dared her to argue with him further.
"Fine, but that's still a lot of homes to visit in one night," she retorted, ignoring Anise's attempts to get back into the conversation.
"Well, he has longer than that when you consider different time zones."
Sam smiled, the calculations in her head falling into place like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. He'd put forward a good case, but she was about to win the argument.
"Factoring in time zones, and the rotation of the Earth, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. That's still 822.6 visits per second. So for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, get out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting any stops, and in 31 hours it is reasonable to assume that some stops would be necessary. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. The fastest man-made vehicle on earth moves at 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour, so--"
She broke off as she glanced at Freya, who she now noticed was swaying unsteadily on her feet. "Are you okay?"
Jack, who was still blinking in confusion at Sam's tirade, broke out of his dumbfounded state and reached out to steady her.
Warmth spread through her body and the room spun wildly as she tried to articulate what she was feeling. "I feel... fuzzy, and..." that was as far as she got, with a last look at the Colonel, she promptly passed out on the floor.
***
The infirmary was quickly filled to capacity with Tokra personnel waiting to make sure their colleague was alright.
Janet checked her patient's vitals and took a blood test, knowing that the results would only confirm her suspicion that alcohol simply didn't agree with the Tokra's symbiote.
Sam and Jack stood in the doorway, feeling somewhat responsible for not noticing her unstable condition earlier. Janet nodded at the pair to let them know that Anise would be alright, and they released sighs of relief.
It was then that Sam noticed the Colonel's reassuring arm around her, and she instinctively sent him a questioning look. He quickly pulled away, and she cursed herself for making him uncomfortable. Instantly missing his warmth, she had to resist the urge to pull his arm back around her.
They stood in an uncomfortable silence for a moment, both relieved to see Daniel making his way toward them.
"Hey, look where you guys are." The archaeologist greeted them.
Jack looked confused, wondering if the man had had a bit too much christmas cheer himself. "In the doorway of the infirmary?" He intoned.
Daniel shook his head, pointing up at the doorframe above them. Sam felt her heart jump into her throat as she looked up to see the mistletoe hanging unmistakably over their heads.
Daniel suppressed a laugh at the expressions on their faces, giving them a look that plainly said 'well, I'm waiting...'
Sam and Jack looked at each other for a moment, and it was Sam who leaned in first. She hesitated, feeling his breath hot on her face, and then captured his bottom lip with hers.
The kiss was chaste, their lips barely grazing each other before they pulled away. But as their eyes locked and held, something ignited and his mouth was back on hers in less than a second. She responded willingly, opening her mouth to his exploration, and neither noticed their friend's delighted chuckle as Daniel left them.
When finally the kiss ended, Jack looked around the infirmary to find that amazingly, no one was paying them any attention. He had half expected the entire room to be staring at them in shock. Could it be that nobody was surprised? He looked around, spying a supply closet not far from them and, grabbing Sam's hand, they slipped inside unnoticed.
His mouth back on hers, Jack's hands slid teasingly over the satin of her dress, over her shoulders and down her arms to entwine his fingers with hers. She breathed her encouragement as his lips left hers to trail hot kisses over her jawline and down her neck. Her hands slipped under his shirt to trace the muscles of his chest, and he let go of one of her hands to cup the back of her neck gently, drawing her lips back to his.
"You were right," she breathed against him, half surprised that she could still form a coherent sentence with what he was doing to her.
"About what?" He asked, his lips grazing hers lightly as he spoke.
"I got my christmas wish, so there must be a Santa Claus."
He laughed, his hands going around her waist to draw her to him, lifting her a few centimetres off the ground as he kissed her deeply.
Light flooded into the tiny room and they jumped apart as the door was flung open. Janet entered, looking extremely amused at the scene before her as they searched blindly for an excuse as to why they were in a storage cupboard together.
"We were just... er... looking for a..." Sam looked flustered.
"...spoon." Jack finished lamely, and Janet raised her eyebrows at the Colonel. "Can't go eating that christmas cake with our fingers..." he shrugged.
"Right," the doctor played along, "well, since this is the *medical* supply cupboard, there is no spoon in here, but you might try down the hall..." She pointed them innocently in the direction of the corridor.
"Right. Thanks. We'll just..." Sam pointed to the door and they ran, escaping quickly out of the infirmary.
"A spoon?!" Sam exclaimed as soon as they were out of earshot.
He shrugged. "It was the first thing that came to mind."
She laughed, and Jack watched her with a smile on his face. "You know," he drawled, "I'm pretty sure I have a spoon in my office."
She gave him what was supposed to be a reprimanding look, but she couldn't pull it off and ended up sending him an inviting smile instead.
"My quarters are closer."
******** End. You're turn! Feedback, pleeeeeaaaaaaase????