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| NICHOLAS THOMSON'S | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| HOME | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NIGHT | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| OF | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| THE | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| LIVING | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| GERIATRICS | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (SEPTEMBER 2000) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It was a dark, stormy night, the wind blew violently, and so did the Captain's bowels. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| After about an hour, Incapable staggered out of the bathroom and stumbled over to the sofa where he collapsed in a farted out heap. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Whatever you do Earwax Boy, do NOT, go in there!" wheezed the Captain. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Slowly, Earwax slid over to the other side of the sofa as the residual stench of the Captain's blasted ass filtered over to his nose. The Captain noticed his sidekick's disrespect and let out a small comfort fart to relieve the immense pressure, which was still punching a hole in his gut. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Ahhhh, that's better!" said the Captain with relief. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Then, as the additional fart sifted its way through the room, Earwax quickly grabbed the remote and stuck on the telly. Tonight it was going to be a treat, the late night horror slot where the most terrifying things imaginable were shown. The screen flickered on revealing a glowing picture, which illuminated the dingy room. 'Tonight's feature is: The Sorority School House Slumber Party Halloween Massacre: Part Eight: He's back, again.' | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Now that's what I call entertainment, better that that Trauma crap!" said the Captain as he whisked a half eaten box of popcorn up off the floor, nestling it comfortably between his legs as he let out another fart. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Soon the film started. It opened on one of those American School House things in University, and the typical dark, shady man with a mask on was stalking the very well endowed girls inside the building. Then, the usual slaughter and self aware genre crap started and soon, the film began to loose its already dreadful plot. Then, for the sake of humanity, but to the annoyance of our two heroes, the film cut out, and all they were left with was a blank screen flickering in the dark. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A message then came up on the screen, 'We apologise for the interruption, but somebody heaved on the controls, don't expect anything to happen, we're well pissed up and are too drunk to continue existing, so bugger off!' | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Our two intrepid heroes, now without a purpose in life sat in a darkened room in front of a blank screen, munching on old popcorn. Then, a big spark blasted through the socket behind the television and, for some reason, which isn't scientifically possible, a hologramatic image turned up on their coffee table. What stood in front of them was a small, crappy image of a weird looking guy, dressed in a cape and wearing a beaver on his head, which rummaged around on top of his balding head. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "If you want the entire town to be massacred by a hoard of dead geriatrics then sit on your arse, but if you're stupid enough to, which you are, then come to the graveyard now!" and with that, the flickering hologram image flickered off and away. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh god, do you know what this means Captain?" said Earwax. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah, those god damned hologram things are crap and don't work unless they're in Star Wars!" replied our super-dim superhero. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Just get in the car Captain," said the wondrous boy of earwax. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Our two heroes then stood valiantly, or at least just stood and proceeded over to the front door, but before they reached it, there was an almighty crash and the door caved in on them. Then, as the dust settled, they were confronted with a terrible, unearthly site. What they saw was the most horrifically disfigured, gorified, splattered chocolate biscuit they had ever seen. Oh yeah, and next to it stood a stumbling geriatric zombie. Our two heroes just stood there as they began to shiver with fright as the biscuit just lay there in its own chocolate puddle, oh, and the zombie began to advance on them, but quickly they noticed that it was coming into the room. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oy! I just had that carpet cleaned you oozing bugger!" said Incapable. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And with that the zombie just stood there and groaned and moaned as green gunk and crap and stuff began to drip out of his many wrinkles of old skin. And as the Captain continued to insist the geriatric get off his carpet, the zombie advanced on him, placing its wrinkled, rotted rooker around the Captain's neck, throwing his to the floor as it did so. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Captain crashed to the floor as the flesh eaten geriatric shuffled closer to our fallen hero. And then, when the old codger finally reached the Captain it lifted its walking cane high above its knee and then just as it was about to attempt to tap Incapable to death, our Incapable hero leapt up and pulled out his big gun, aiming it at the slouched zombie. Printed on the side was a small name, this amazing piece of armageddon bringing equipment was infact from Taiwan, but that doesn't really matter now does it? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Captain set it to 'worm special' and pulled on the trigger. A stream of flesh eating worms from Arkansas spewed out of the gun, landing on the zombie in the process. Then, the flesh feast began and in a gore filled moment, which would be too extreme for Britain, the worms devoured the geriatric leaving a pile of bones, a bus pass and a wooden cane and a pair of slippers. And as our two heroes set out to get over to the graveyard, they left the pile of worms to pick at their teeth and fart in glee. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But, too their horror, as they stepped out of the door, some git had nicked the biscuit which lay on the doorstep, but that was irrelevant compared to the actual horror of the mass of shambling duffers who stumbled around the town, in and out of chess shops and slipper emporiums and in and out of coffee mornings at the local codger house up the street. They all staggered and moaned and wondered into the toilets and out again, only to return a minute later due to the problem of the lack of bladders and such. Windows were smashed, people hung over lampposts, lying motionless, but that was normal for this town. But then, the clock tower began to chime and like all of a sudden, the mass of 120-year odds began to shamble their way towards the graveyard as if summoned by their pensions or the post office. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Quick, let's follow them!" said the Captain, and so they did, all the way to graveyard where they saw a right sight and a half. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| On top of a big statue thing, which stood high in the middle of the cemetery, there he was, their commander, The Evil Doctor Venus and he stood high up in the air, his cape waving about in the wind. It was a sight to behold, I suppose and so, our heroes came in for a closer look. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It seemed that the doctor was holding some great big meeting, a bit like bingo so it seemed, but it soon turned out to be a plan to munch on the local townsfolk, which isn't so fun. Then, the doctor reached down into a big bag which he had slung over his shoulder and he fumbled about inside as his cape continually kept flying up into his face. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh for god's sake!" he moaned and then he ripped it off revealing his 'Take That 4 Ever!' T-shirt. Finally, he pulled something out, it was, it was, a magic pickle! And this pickle was enormously green and pungent and it stunk right bad so it did, like a beaver's shorts after a night on the tiles. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The doctor now looked at his army of killer geriatrics and waved the pickle about a bit, but they ignored him. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh just kill 'em all!" he shouted frustratedly. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But as they began to stagger back out into the town, the power of the pickle finally reached them, slightly rejuvenating them with the power of smelly veggies. The old foosters breathed this in right good and they began to get a little stronger, going from the strength of a 127 year-old, to that of a 127 year-old! The immense thought of this is overpowering I know, but bear with it. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Anyway, they gradually found their way back into the town and began to wreak geriatric havoc, claiming they paid their t.v. license last month, and that taxes are too high, and that young folk don't pay attention and bouts of, 'in my day.' And, as the horror unfolded, the Captain finally got a bright idea, but it was just the lamp coming on in the night. Then, our two heroes stood, revealing themselves to the doctor of course, so they had to deal with him. BISH! BASH! SLAP! FLAP! CRAP! FART! The doctor was now dead, or at least guffed out from the giant fart which Incapable let rip. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Now all our two incompetent heroes had to deal with was those pesky codgers. Then, as they reached the centre of town, they saw the most blood covered sight they had ever seen. Blood was splattered everywhere, oh the horror, the humanity and so forth, but soon Earwax realised that the geriatrics had just turned over the tomato sauce factory opposite them. But, it still wasn't over, at least for this installment. The Captain and Earwax Boy ran into the middle of town and stood there without a clue in the world what to do. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Well. What the hell are we going to do now?!" shouted Earwax Boy. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Now, I thought you had a plan, I'm the sort to live in the now myself," said Incapable. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Well this is now! So think of a plan." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So they did, and as they thought their brains to death the hoard of geriatric zombies advanced on them, groaning and moaning and whining about the price of beans today. But then it struck him; a picture of Joan Collins smacked Incapable right in the kisser and landed in his hand. He glanced at it and then threw it into the middle of the road. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Then, with a bout of stuff, the crowd all pounced on the picture, fighting and brawling and clawing over it, attempting to catch a glimpse of the living dead for themselves. Then, with all the intelligence and originality of a house plant, the Captain pulled out his gun and set it back to worm special, but now, it was ultra worm special. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And, just like at the big bang, everybody stood well back, and the Captain let 'em have it. A flood of worms gushed out of the gun, covering the crowd of zombies with the little flesh-eating buggers. And as our heroes stepped back further, the worms did their biz and munched away at the old codgers. Bus passes and canes went flying while glasses and false teeth followed, and then, and only then did the onslaught stop to the relief of the BBFC and again, all that was left was a pile of bones and a load of farting worms. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "And so ends another chapter in the exciting life of me," said the Captain. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "What are you talking about? Our lives aren't exciting, we sit around all day and play guess that fart," said Earwax. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And as this part of the big story ends, our two intrepid heroes walked off into the sunset, and burnt their butts in the process. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| {THIS WAS THE FIRST OF THE SERIES, AND WILL BE FOLLOWED BY THE REMAKE, NIGHT OF THE LIVING GERIATRICS 2, SO STAND BY FOR THAT.} | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IF YOU WANT TO COMMENT ON THIS OR ANY STORIES, SEND ME AN E-MAIL (ADRESS ON FRONT PAGE) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||