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| CAPTAIN INCAPABLE IN | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| HOME | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| DAWN | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| OF THE | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| GERIATRICS | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A SPOOF | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| BY NICK THOMSON | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| (AUGUST 2000) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It was now Christmas and Captain Incapable and Earwax Boy were taking a well-earned break after defeating an army of old timers. They were visiting Pitsburger, a fair distance from their home in the outskirts of New Fart City. As they entered the town, they didn't notice the rotting zombie hanging off the hair of the bearded badger sitting beside the entrance of the town as they roared through in a cloud of something. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Captain had just got his brand new supercar, a series 9000 Skoda. They were bombing along the road at 35mph when they passed a knackered out housing project. The building was surrounded by SWAT teams from across the country. Incapable slammed on the brakes and stepped out of the skip with wheels and walked over to the man in charge. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "What's going on?" he asked. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "They're refusing to give up their out of date magazines. It's a mad house in there," replied the officer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Is that why it says Pitsburger State Institution on that sign over there?" said Earwax Boy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "That could be part of the reason," replied the officer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Incapable ran into the building unaware of what was about to happen. Several men wearing gas masks hurried down the corridor. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Is there gas on the loose?" asked Incapable. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah, Jones farted in that room and we're all evacuating," replied one man. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Incapable proceeded further into the dark building. He heard something, it was annoying, crap and boring, he got closer to a room at the end of the hall. He kicked open the door, old copies of Hello, Gardener's Weekly and Golf Now lay strewn across the floor, while a small radio pumped out ATB 9pm. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh god! The humanity!" shouted the Captain. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He grabbed a handy sledgehammer and smashed the radio into pieces and turned to the mass of magazines. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "It's alright now, you're all going to a better place now, you will be shipped out to dental surgeries across the globe to be placed in waiting rooms as small children scream and fart." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Captain walked out of the room to experience the sight of a paper mache zombie standing across the way from him. Then a screwed up face screamed and a fat guy farted. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Hmm, strange," said the Captain. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Then bam! A door flew open and a crowd of grey haired cardiganned codgers staggered out of the boarded up room. As they tapped their canes with all the might of a clubber after a heavy night's session on the dancefloor they mumbled away their war tales. The Captain screamed as he saw these aging zombies flip-flopping their way towards their relaxi-chairs to sit down to another episode of Matlock. Incapable could barely bring himself ot un-holster his big gun, oo er missus! Shut the hell up! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He ripped it out of the holster and quickly removed his pants from the sight. He gripped the trigger tightly and carefully pointed his gun at the zombies and set it to worm feedin' time. He pulled the trigger and let the worms fly. They sunk their teeth into the grey flesh of the old timers. Oh the humanity! As echoes of "In my day" circled around the decrepit room, the codgers slowly disintegrated into dust and walking sticks as the remnants of pathetic wheezing whining was drowned out by the sound of music, er...I mean gun fire. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It was now getting dark and the Skoda was going at full pace. They noticed a helicopter, a couple of people were getting into it, they jumped out of their skip and rushed over. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Hey, where are you going?" asked Earwax. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "God all mighty! What the hell's wrong with your ears?" asked one man with a pair of shades covering his face. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh, that's my earwax, I'm Earwax Boy, world's greatest sidekick ever!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Never heard of you!" said the geezer with shades. "Look, we've got to run, get outta here, the geriatrics are taking over, old fogey homes are splitting at the seams with the dead codgers, it's mayhem, you better come with us." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And so they did. They flew off in the chopper. The next morning they were running out of fuel. They spotted a mall and decided to land. Slowly the chopper landed on the roof of the mall. The geezer with shades jumped out and saw two SWAT team members lying knackered on the roof surface. The bloke with shades, whom we will now refer to a s Flyboy ran over to the two exhausted men. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Where the hell were you! We were waiting at the pick up point but you were bot there!" shouted that tall one. He was at least 7ft tall. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Then the small one spoke. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah, we had to run all the way, but got knackered and spotted this mall and decided to climb up here and have a kip on the roof." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Flyboy apologised and grabbed Flygirl (his girlfriend) out of the chopper. The six of them staggered over to the skylight windows and peered in. Shuffling geriatrics, farting and moaning there was around the two floors of fun. There was a whole army of them outside aswell in the car park. A queue of them waited at the bus stop with their free bus passes crumpled up in their grey hands. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Incapable then looked through a dirty window and saw food. He smacked his lips and smashed the window and dived in. The other five followed. For the next couple of hours they sat about munching at the food surrounding them, then Earwax let one rip and the room was guffed out. All six of them were struggling for breath until Flygirl had the bright idea of opening a window. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You know, there's a lot of stuff down there we could use," said the 7ft tall bloke. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah, lets get some stuff!" shouted the small one, whose name was Roger. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The two crazy SWAT members rushed off down the stairs leaving Incapable and Earwax playing travel scrabble with the fly persons. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The two mad SWAT men rushed down the stairs and out into the mall. They dashed over to the nearest department store and rushed in. Luckily for them, their ignorance was saved by the fact some dozy tosser had left the keys in the door. Slamming the glass door after them they began their trip into shopping heaven. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "O.K. Lets only get what we need," said 7ft. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah. You get the T.V. and I'll get a foam finger!" replied the short one. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| After returning, the two SWAT men decided that they should all stay until they were all dead or some vigilante scum comes along and ruins their paradise. Incapable and Earwax said they had to clear the mall of geriatrics and block the doors with trucks along with flyboy. The small SWAT geezer said; | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "No way, this is your story adapting ours, you do it, besides, I would get my leg bitten and eventually turn into a zombie, and I ain't having that!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| While Incapable and Earwax were hunting the geriatrics, Earwax discover the meaning of life, but it was actually some lint in his belly button. Our two intrepid losers adventured into the department store, but they were attacked by a veteran geriatric, the worst kind ever. It burst out and began telling the story of how he single handedly won all the wars and elections in the past 100 years. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Stop talking crap!" shouted Incapable and then he blasted the geriatric with a light sabre he picked up for $9.95 in Toys aren't Us next door. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Use the force!" he said as the pensioner hit the floor. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "God that's cheesy!" said Earwax as he proceeded to the toy section. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| After two whole days of blasting and blocking, out two heroes came back knackered out of their brains. They sat down and farted two days worth of campfire beans they had been feeding on over the last two days. Meanwhile, the short SWAT guy had become a codger, yes, Roger had become a codger! And had been been shot by the tall guy. Flygirl had suddenly claimed she had a bun in the oven for four months, and not a pillow. She then proceeded to act out the 70's stereotype of womanhood in a game of "Ohh, Why The Hell Are We Playing This Crap?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The next day Earwax, Flyboy and girl learnt how to fly the chopper while Incapable and Peter (7ft) played tennis against the side of the building. They soon got bored of that, so they went and played golf, using geriatric heads as the balls and something else as the tees. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two months had now passed and the pillow under Flygirl's shirt had gotten bigger. They were all wearing fur coats and looked like total losers, but then as soon as some vigilante scum bursted through the front doors of the mall, letting in all the geriatrics, the fur was discarded and replaced with a my arse-nal of weapons that Arnie himself could not match. Hippy men and women flocked into the mall, nicking nickers and T.V.'s, which were useless as all stations were off the air. The poncho wearing f-ing swearing, pit stinking plebs rushed around like headless chickens, stealing everything. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Get stuff fer everybody, not just yerselves!" shouted one guy in a sidecar, who soon became a geriatric. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yeah right, I'm looking out fer me!" shouted the one sensible geezer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Meanwhile Peter was crawling around the air vents trying to locate Flyboy who was aiming at the thugs behind a bench. Then George A. Romero appeared at the side of the screen. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Whoops!" he shouted as he ran off the shot holding his yo-yo. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Flyboy was trapped in an elevator with nowhere to go when the doors burst open. Suddenly he was not only shot but he was being bitten all over by a load of geriatrics, which he soon dispatched of. So there he was, sitting in an elevator, bleeding all over the place as groovy elevator muzak played about him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Flippin' heck, in a bit of a tangle here aren't I. Hey, where did this bullet wound come from. Oh, I guess the writer forgot to mention the class special effect scene, oh well, you missed out!" he said. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Soon, there were as many fatalities as there are while watching another sodding Ibiza Album advert. Flyboy was a geriatric and had led the hoard of coughing moaners up the stairs. Somehow a 7ft tall geezer had climbed up a small ladder, he could have jumped that, and a woman with a bun on the bake managed to climb it, must be a pillow. And, our two famously useless heroes were cowering in the chopper, waiting to be flown out of there. Flygirl piloted the chopper and the three men sat in the back smoking cigars, playing cards and being masculine. As they flew off into the dawn, the geriatrics staggered around the mall as some dodgy muzak played in the background as shots of the mall were flashed up on screens all over the place. The hoard of guffing geriatrics stumbled their way up stairs and across floors. Doesn't sound that hard, of course, when you've got no muscles to speak of and you're too busy re-accounting pointless shopping trips from last century, it's rather hard. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And now, the alternate ending: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Flyboy was now dead. The leather jacket wearing, beard stroking, cigar smokin' vigilante scum ran amuck around the mall as several of their kind fell victim to the farting duffers as the remaining mall people escaped into their little home, and had miraculously changed into their original clothes. Why they weren't taking and of the goods, I don't know. Anyway, Incapable and Earwax were cowering in the chopper as Peter claimed he didn't want to go. So, Flygirl stayed shocked for a second then zipped up the ladder and left Peter to shoot Flyboy and hide in a cupboard. Then, a geriatric attacked him, a tumble ensued and then, to defend himself he guffed out the room and ran off, but soon fell victim to his own guff. And then there were three. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Meanwhile, Flygirl was pondering her sucky life and decided to leap into the rotor blades, thus decapitating her causing blood to gush like nobody's business and a lifeless, headless corpse to flop on to the floor. Or in Japan, a freeze-frame of her beginning to leap into the air. The Captain and Earwax looked confused and sat to watch the chopper run out of oomph. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So there they were, stuck in a dead chopper, surrounded by the living dead geriatrics. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Well, I guess we're screwed now huh!" shouted the Captain. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Well I'm buggered if I'm going to sit around here waiting to be talked to death, I'm outta here mate!" replied Earwax. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So they did, and they survived to tell another story. That's if anyone can be bothered to listen. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| {If you liked this, there are more to come. Please note that this is supposed to be a story to be read in one sitting, that's why it's this length, and if it went any further would probably bore you and become mindless crap. Actually that's pretty much the point, to just be mindless pap.} | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This story of mindless drivel was brought to you by me! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||